Full House (1987–1995): Season 1, Episode 12 - Our Very First Promo - full transcript
The Tanner family is thrilled when they are chosen to appear in a local promo at Danny's TV station.
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
♪ WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO PREDICTABILITY ♪
♪ THE MILKMAN, THE
PAPER BOY, EVENING TV ♪
♪ HOW DID I GET DELIVERED HERE ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME, PLEASE ♪
♪ THIS OLD WORLD'S
CONFUSING ME ♪
♪ CLOUDS AS MEAN
AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN ♪
♪ THERE AIN'T A BIRD
WHO KNOWS YOUR TUNE ♪
♪ THEN A LITTLE VOICE
INSIDE YOU WHISPERS ♪
♪ KID, DON'T SELL YOUR
DREAMS SO SOON ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, ♪
EVERYWHERE YOU ARE ♪
♪ THERE'S A HEART,
THERE'S A HEART ♪
♪ A HAND TO HOLD ON TO ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ THERE'S A FACE ♪
♪ OF SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS YOU ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LOST OUT THERE ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE ♪
♪ A LIGHT IS WAITING
TO CARRY YOU HOME ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ DOOBIE DOO RAH DAH BAH ♪
SO, KIMMY, YOU WANT
TO STAY FOR DINNER?
MAYBE. WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?
JOEY'S COOKING, SO
I'M NOT REALLY SURE.
IT'S SOMETHING IN AN EARTH TONE.
PASS. BUT IF MY DOG
SINBAD IS HUNGRY,
I'LL SEND HIM OVER.
DON'T DO THAT. I LOVE SINBAD.
STEPHANIE, WHY ARE
YOU FOLLOWING US?
BECAUSE YOU KEEP LEAVING ME.
STEPH, I KNOW YOU'RE ONLY 5
AND YOU HAVE NO
LIFE OF YOUR OWN,
BUT KIMMY AND I ARE
TALKING WOMAN-TO-WOMAN.
I'M A WOMAN.
I'M A LITTLE WOMAN,
BUT I'M A WOMAN.
STEPH, WHEN KIMMY LEAVES,
YOU AND I CAN HAVE A
NICE SISTER-TO-SISTER TALK.
UNLESS I GET A PHONE CALL.
YOU'RE SO GOOD TO ME.
[SQUEALING]
DID YOU GUYS HEAR THAT NOISE?
IT SOUNDED LIKE A MONSTER.
STEPH, YOU'RE ALWAYS
MAKING UP MONSTER NOISES.
THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
ALTHOUGH, YOU LOOK LIKE
THAT KID IN POLTERGEIST
WHO GOT SUCKED UP IN THE TV
AND SAID, "THEY'RE BA-A-CK."
REAL FUNNY.
[IMITATING JAPANESE COOK]
[JAPANESE ACCENT] OOH, YOU
GONNA LOVE THIS, MICHELLE.
[MAKING KARATE SOUNDS]
HI.
HAI!
HAI! HAI!
HOW YOU DOING?
HOW YOU DOING?
GRRR! GRRR!
HEY, MICHELLE.
HEY, JESSE, SOME WOMAN
NAMED BRIANNA CALLED.
SHE SAID SHE'LL
MEET YOU AT 8:00.
WHO'S BRIANNA?
WELL, I TERMINATED
HER TERMITES, AND, UH,
SHE WANTED TO THANK ME,
SO WE CAME UP WITH A
FEW IDEAS, IF YOU WILL.
YOU WENT OUT WEARING A
COCKROACH ON YOUR BACK
AND YOU CAME BACK WITH A DATE?
LOOK, JOEY, DON'T
BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.
IF YOU WANT TO BORROW
MY JUMPSUIT, JUST SAY SO.
UNCLE JESSE,
SOMETHING HORRIBLE
IS IN THE HOUSE.
YOU'RE TELLING ME.
HEY, JESS, GRAB MICHELLE,
HELP ME SET THE TABLE, WILL YOU?
OK. COME ON, MICHELLE.
BRRRLLLRRR!
GREAT NEWS. I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS.
THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HOME!
I MISSED YOU, TOO, HONEY.
DID YOU MISS ALL OF
ME OR JUST MY LEG?
STEPHANIE THINKS SHE HEARD
A MONSTER IN THE GARAGE.
BUT IF YOU ASK ME, IT'S JUST A
DESPERATE PLEA FOR ATTENTION.
D.J., STOP WATCHING OPRAH AND
START DOING YOUR HOMEWORK.
SO, NOW YOU'RE HEARING
A GARAGE MONSTER
INSTEAD OF JUST
THAT CLOSET MONSTER,
WHICH BY THE WAY, HONEY,
WE NEVER REALLY FOUND.
MAYBE BECAUSE...
THE CLOSET MONSTER
MOVED INTO THE GARAGE.
UH, JUST TO CATCH EVERYBODY UP,
I WALKED IN HERE
SAYING, "HEY, GREAT
NEWS, GREAT NEWS."
OH, I GOT GREAT NEWS.
I MET A GIRL TODAY.
THAT'S NOT NEWS, THAT'S SPORTS.
LET'S GIVE DAD A BREAK.
SO WHAT'S YOUR "GREAT
NEWS, GREAT NEWS"?
OK. THANK YOU.
AS YOU ALL KNOW, THE
TV STATIONS IN THIS CITY
ARE FIGHTING EACH
OTHER TOOTH AND NAIL
FOR BETTER RATINGS.
CONGRATULATIONS, DADDY.
STEPH, HONEY, THAT'S
NOT THE GREAT NEWS.
ANYWAY, MY STATION IS PUTTING
TOGETHER A SPECIAL PROMO,
KIND OF LIKE A
LITTLE COMMERCIAL.
ABOUT EACH OF ITS NEWSCASTERS.
NOW HERE COMES THE
GREAT NEWS, STEPH.
THEY'VE PICKED YOUR
FATHER TO BE FIRST.
OH, GREAT. YEAH.
GOOD. ALL RIGHT.
I FEEL THE ENERGY.
OH, BY THE WAY,
YOU'RE ALL GOING
TO BE ON TV WITH ME.
YEAH! GREAT!
OH, I KNEW YOU'D
BE HAPPY FOR ME.
SO THEY'RE COMING TO
THE HOUSE TOMORROW
TO FILM OUR WHOLE FAMILY.
ALL RIGHT. I LIKE THAT.
YEAH!
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY CHOW DOWN.
SHOULD WE SEND OUT
FOR PIZZA OR CHINESE?
All: PIZZA.
IT IS PIZZA.
[SQUEALING]
THEY'RE BA-A-CK.
STEPH, DID YOU MAKE THAT NOISE?
WHY WOULD I MAKE A NOISE
THAT'S SCARING ME TO DEATH?
CAN I SLEEP WITH
YOU IN YOUR BED?
ALL RIGHT. COME ON OVER.
DOES THIS MEAN YOU BELIEVE
ME ABOUT THE MONSTER?
I'M NOT SAYING YES
AND I'M NOT SAYING NO.
I'M JUST SAYING GET OVER HERE!
WHAT IF HE'S UNDER THE BED
WAITING TO EAT MY FEET?
REEL ME IN, D.J.
FASTER!
FASTER!
FASTER!
BLESS YOU.
YOU FORGOT TO
TURN OUT THE LIGHT.
[SQUEALING]
FORGET THE LIGHT.
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
MONSTER! HELP!
HELP! MONSTER!
MON... STER.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WE GOT THE MONSTER
TRAPPED IN OUR ROOM.
GO GET IT, UNCLE JESSE.
YOU'RE A CREEPY-CRAWLY KILLER.
I'M A PEST CONTROL
SPECIALIST, THANK YOU.
PARDON ME.
GO KILL IT!
JESSE, HUMOR THEM...
UNLESS THERE IS SOMETHING
CREEPY AND CRAWLY IN THERE,
IN WHICH CASE, GO KILL IT.
YOU KNOW, IN EVERY MOVIE,
THE HERO IS ALWAYS A SOLDIER
OR A COP, A PRIVATE EYE.
NEVER ONCE,
NEVER ONCE HAVE
THEY MADE A MOVIE
ABOUT THE REAL AMERICAN HERO...
THE EXTERMINATOR.
All: PEST-CONTROL SPECIALIST.
COMING SOON TO A
THEATER NEAR YOU.
DADDY, CAN I SLEEP WITH YOU
IN YOUR BED TONIGHT?
OH, HONEY, YOU DON'T WANT
TO SLEEP I MY BED, DO YOU?
I GUESS NOT.
YOUR UNCLE JESSE SAYS
YOUR ROOM IS MONSTER-FREE,
SO I'M ONLY STAYING HERE
UNTIL YOU TWO FALL ASLEEP.
OK, DAD.
ALL RIGHT, DADDY.
AND YOU TWO REALLY
NEED YOUR SLEEP
BECAUSE TOMORROW A
NICE LADY IS COMING HERE
AND SHE'S GONNA MAKE A
LITTLE MOVIE ABOUT OUR FAMILY.
AND, GIRLS, THERE ARE NO
SUCH THINGS AS MONSTERS.
THE CLOSEST THING IN REAL LIFE
ARE LINEBACKERS.
BUT THEY'RE MUCH
BIGGER THAN MONSTERS,
AND THEY MAKE A LOT MORE MONEY.
GET IT, GIRLS? MORE MONEY?
GIRLS?
GOOD NIGHT.
OK.
OH... THE JOYS OF FATHERHOOD.
COME ON.
OK, MICHELLE, THIS
IS YOUR BIG TV DEBUT.
LET'S GIVE HER THAT
MARILYN MONROE LOOK...
KIND OF... THE BANGS
SWEEPING TO THE LEFT,
THE CURLS FRAMING THE FACE, HUH?
SHE'S GOT THE
LOOK TO PULL IT OFF,
BUT I THINK IT'D BE A CRIME
TO COVER THAT
PRETTY LITTLE FACE.
SEE, I SAY, LIKE, PULL IT BACK,
GIVE HER A MORE
SOPHISTICATED KIND OF LOOK.
MORE THE MADONNA-
BRIGITTE NIELSON KIND OF THING.
LIKE THIS, SEE? LOOK.
THAT'S JACK NICHOLSON.
WHY DON'T WE GIVE
HER KIND OF A, UH...
PEBBLES FLINTSTONE
KIND OF A, UH, A FUN DO?
THAT'S DON KING.
MAYBE JUST A BOW.
BOW. GOOD IDEA.
SIMPLE, YET IT SCREAMS STYLE.
I'LL HOLD IT UP LIKE THIS.
OK.
FINGER.
OK, TIE IT FIRST.
THERE WE GO.
ALL RIGHT, GOOD.
THERE YOU GO. FINGER.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, SHOULD
WE GET HER REEBOKS
OR HER LITTLE GLENS? WHICH ONE?
AH, ONE OF EACH.
OK.
GOT THAT.
YOU DIDN'T JUST...
YEAH, I THINK I DID.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
BABY YO-YO!
ALL RIGHT. TAKE IT OFF.
[SQUEALING]
HEAR THAT NOISE?
THE GIRLS WERE
RIGHT. IT'S THE MONSTER.
SHH. IT'S NOT A MONSTER.
NOW, I HAVE TO HEAR
WHERE IT'S COMING
FROM. BE QUIET.
[SQUEALING]
AHA!
NORTH AMERICAN
SILVER-FOOTED FERRET.
ADULT MALE, 2 1/2 POUNDS.
I'D SAY FROM THE ECHO,
HE'S HEADING TOWARDS THE GARAGE.
HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THIS?
IT'S A GIFT.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON OUT, PAL.
THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING.
GET OUT NOW OR BE ANOTHER
NOTCH ON MY SPRAY GUN.
HA HA HA HA HA!
MICHELLE, I'M SORRY
YOU HAD TO SEE THAT.
BUT THIS HAIR-DO, NOW
THIS, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT IS YOU.
LOOKIT, HUH?
IS THAT, OH, JUST
LOVELY. LOOK AT THAT.
YES.
OK, NOW, THAT'LL BE $84.
ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT
JUST A KISS? COME ON.
AWW. HA HA.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
UNCLE JESSE, THAT
COULD BE THE TV LADY.
DO WE LOOK OK?
YOU GUYS LOOK BEAUTIFUL. I'M
NOT ON THE TRAIL OF YOUR MONSTER.
NAIL HIM, UNCLE JESSE!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
HI. ARE YOU THE LADY
WHO'S PUTTING US ON TV?
YES, I AM BECAUSE
YOU ARE SO ADORABLE.
LET ME SEE YOU SMILE.
WONDERFUL!
LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN
FIND A PLACE FOR MY COAT.
ADORABLE! AND YOU
TAKE DIRECTION, TOO.
MY NAME'S RONNIE.
THAT'S SHORT FOR VERONICA.
I'M D.J... SHORT FOR DONNA JO.
I'M STEPHANIE.
I'M JUST SHORT.
GIRLS... DO YOU KNOW
WHERE YOUR DADDY IS?
DADDY HAS BEEN
DELAYED IN EDITING
BECAUSE THE SATELLITE
DOWNLINK MALFUNCTIONED
DUE TO FREAKISH
BAROMETRIC CONDITIONS.
RONNIE FEELS LIKE
SUCH A DODO-HEAD.
SO, THIS IS YOUR HOME.
THE COLORS ARE
WORKABLE. NICE ANGLES.
YES, I'M SEEING SOME SHOTS.
WHAT ARE WE DOING?
WE THOUGHT YOU KNEW.
ALL RIGHT, PAL. COME ON OUT.
IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.
MAN VERSUS FERRET.
COME ON.
WHO ARE YOU TRYING
TO CATCH, PHIL NIEKRO?
JOSEPH, I HAVE TO IMPROVISE.
I LEFT MY TOOLS IN THE CAR.
LISTEN, IN ORDER
TO CATCH A FERRET,
YOU MUST... BECOME
ONE WITH THE FERRET.
OH, SURE. LIKE THIS?
JOEY, WHEN YOU WERE A KID,
DID YOU FALL OUT
OF A TREE HOUSE?
YEAH.
THERE HE IS. THERE HE IS.
LOOK OUT! I GOT HIM!
I GOT HIM. ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO TO HIM?
THINK OF IT THIS WAY.
I'M MOVING SEÑOR
FERRET ONE STEP UP
INTO HIS SPIRITUAL
ENLIGHTENMENT.
WHAT'S THE NEXT
STEP UP FOR A FERRET?
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN
RAT AND LAWYER.
GIVE ME THE NET.
WELL, IF YOU WERE
GOING AFTER A LAWYER,
I'D BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU,
BUT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
ONE OF GOD'S INNOCENT
LITTLE CREATURES.
GO, RUN, FERRET!
GO, RUN! GO, GO, GO!
♪ BORN FREE ♪
♪ AS FREE AS THE WIND... ♪
THERE HE GOES. I
GOT HIM. I GOT HIM.
OH...
RAN THROUGH THE CRACK,
UP AROUND THE WALL,
RIGHT INTO THE CRAWLSPACE.
SLICK. SLICK MOVE, SEÑOR FERRET.
VERY GOOD.
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME
SINCE I'VE BEEN CHALLENGED.
COME OUT WITH YOUR PAWS UP.
OK, ZIG TO THE RIGHT,
ZAG TO THE LEFT.
GO, FERRET, GO! GO, FERRET, GO!
Jesse: GONE, FERRET, GONE.
DAMN, HE LIVES.
[HUMMING VICTORY SONG]
JOEY, GIVE ME THE LADDER.
I'M NOT PUTTING THE LADDER
BACK UNTIL WE HAVE A TALK.
TALK.
YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME
THAT IF YOU CAPTURE THE FERRET
THAT YOU'LL LET HIM GO IN A
SAFE AND PLEASANT ENVIRONMENT.
OK, FINE. I'LL CAPTURE HIM,
I'LL BUY HIM A LITTLE
FERRET CONDO,
FIX HIM UP WITH
A HOT LITTLE MINK,
AND SEND HIM TO CLUB
MED FOR THE WINTER.
OK. NOW LET'S TALK
ABOUT MAJOR MEDICAL.
HELP ME DOWN HERE.
I GOT YOU.
Jesse: GOOD.
HELLO. HELLO.
THEY HELP TAKE CARE OF US.
THIS IS DANNY TANNER'S FAMILY?
I'M JESSE.
I'M JOEY.
I'M IN TROUBLE.
PEOPLE, PEOPLE,
WE'RE ALMOST READY.
HI. I'M DANNY TANNER.
YOU MUST BE RONNIE GARDNER.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD...
GREAT, YOU'RE HERE. LET'S GO.
TO MEETING YOU.
THAT'S THE LAST OF IT.
JOEY, WHERE ARE YOU
GOING WITH JUPITER?
RONNIE SUGGESTED
THAT I MOVE OUT.
WHY WOULD RONNIE SUGGEST THAT?
NO, NO, DANNY, IT'S
OK. IT'S NO PROBLEM.
A SUCCESSFUL
COMEDIAN LIKE MYSELF
DOESN'T NEED EXPOSURE ON TV.
WORKING IN PARKS
AND TRAIN STATIONS
IS MY ROCKET TO STARDOM.
RONNIE, DON'T YOU
THINK JOEY'S IMPORTANT?
IMPORTANT? WHY, HE'S ESSENTIAL.
HE IS GOING TO BE
HOLDING THE CUE CARDS.
THANK YOU, JOEY.
OH, NO, THANK YOU, RONNIE.
YOU'VE GIVEN MY
LIFE NEW MEANING.
YOU KNOW, DANNY, SO
MANY SPORTSCASTERS
ARE YOUR TYPICAL MACHO,
TWO-FISTED, IRON-PUMPING EX-JOCKS.
YEAH, THAT'S ME IN A NUTSHELL.
WELL, DANNY TANNER,
I AM GONNA SET YOU
APART FROM THE CROWD.
I'M GONNA SELL YOUR FAMILY
WITH CLASS, STYLE,
SOPHISTICATION.
THAT'S ME, TOO.
THERE ARE SO MANY MES.
WE'RE JUST GONNA DO
THIS ONE REHEARSAL.
IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS...
WELL, YOU WON'T.
OUTSIDE. DON'T COME
BACK IN UNTIL I SAY ACTION.
OK, EVERYBODY OVER
HERE. COME ON, LET'S GO.
COME ON. ALL RIGHT,
READY? YOU BACK HERE. AND...
ACTION!
CIAO, FAMILY.
CIAO, FAMILY?
SI, SI. CONTINUE.
OK. THIS IS THE ITALIAN ME.
CIAO, FAMIGLIA.
TO THE SOFA! EVERYBODY AROUND.
GOOD. HERE WE GO. UH-HUH. SIT.
CUE DA VINCI.
DA VINCI?
WHY IS THERE A 4-LEGGED
MARSHMALLOW ON MY LAP?
DANNY, THIS IS NO
FROU-FROU POODLE.
THIS IS A MAN'S POODLE.
THIS IS A POODLE ON STEROIDS.
CUE THE GIRLS.
GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS.
DA VINCI'S A WRAP.
[BARKING]
UM, GOOD DAY, DONNA JO.
AND GOOD DAY TO YOU,
TOO, LITTLE STEPHANIE.
OH, FATHER, HOW
EXCELLENT TO SEE YOU.
WE MISSED YOU, PAPA.
I'M CONFUSED. ARE
WE FRENCH OR ITALIAN?
OR ROQUEFORT?
GIRLS, SIT. CUE HOUSEKEEPER.
HEIGH-HO. TEATIME
AT THE TANNERS'.
NOW WE'RE ENGLISH?
NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU SILLY BLOKE.
I'M THE ENGLISH ONE, YOU TWIT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, MR. FRENCH.
YOU'RE WELCOME, UNCLE BILL.
EXCUSE ME.
BUFFY, JODY.
NOW YOU KNOW WHY I
DIDN'T FIGHT TOO HARD
TO STAY IN THIS THING?
WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS
HAVE TO DO WITH OUR FAMILY?
PEOPLE, PEOPLE, FOCUS, FOCUS.
CREW, OVER BY THE
DOOR. COME ON, LET'S GO.
AND YOU, RIGHT HERE. GOOD.
AND CUE THE BABY MICHELLE.
OH, BABY MICHELLE.
COME TO DADDY, HONEY.
HI, DADDY.
HI, HONEY.
OH, SHE'S SO CUTE.
SHE'S SO ADORABLE.
WHO IS SHE?
SHE'S YOUR ADOPTED DAUGHTER.
WE THOUGHT IT'D BE
GREAT FOR YOUR IMAGE.
HONEY, IS YOUR MOMMY
OR DADDY NEARBY?
IN THE KITCHEN.
THE KITCHEN.
YOU GO IN AND SEE THEM.
AW, SHE'S SO CUTE.
ALMOST AS CUTE
AS MY LITTLE BABY.
WHERE IS MY BABY?
I WANTED TO GO FOR
THE ADOPTED DAUGHTER.
ACTUALLY, MICHELLE JUST
WASN'T QUITE RIGHT FOR THE PART.
YOU'RE SAYING MY
DAUGHTER WASN'T RIGHT
FOR THE PART OF MY DAUGHTER?
I AUDITIONED FOR THE PART
AND I CAME THAT CLOSE.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
HOW COULD YOU GUYS LET
YOURSELVES GET TALKED INTO THIS?
WELL, WE KNEW HOW
IMPORTANT IT WAS TO YOU, AND...
WELL, WE PLAYED ALONG,
JUT IN CASE YOU ACTUALLY
WENT FOR THIS CRAZY CARTOON.
I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.
TELEVISION NEWS IS A
VERY COMPETITIVE MARKET.
YOU'VE GOT TO DO
SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE A NOISE.
YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE A SPLASH.
I THINK YOU SPLASHED
DOWN FROM ANOTHER PLANET.
WAIT.
I'M GETTING A VISION.
I'M SEEING A LOVING FAMILY.
I'M SEEING...
FRIENDS WHO WILL DO
ANYTHING TO HELP EACH OTHER.
KNOW WHAT I'M SEEING?
I'M SEEING MY CHILDREN
PLAYING THE PART OF MY CHILDREN.
NICE. SWEET.
NOT INSANE.
IT'S BEEN DONE.
YEAH, BUT NOT BY US.
HEY, I'M PROUD OF WHO WE ARE,
AND UNLESS YOU
WANT TO SHOW PEOPLE
THE REAL TANNER FAMILY,
I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO
DIRECT THIS THING MYSELF.
IF YOU'RE GONNA DIRECT,
THEN WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
OH, IT'S QUITE SIMPLE, RONNIE.
YOU WILL HOLD THE CUE CARDS.
ALL RIGHT, QUIET,
EVERYBODY. IT'S ON, IT'S ON.
ALL RIGHT, WATCH THIS.
HELLO. I'M DANNY TANNER.
I DO THE SPORTS FOR
CHANNEL 8 NEWSBEAT.
EVERY DAY AT
4:00, 6:00, AND 10:00,
YOU'RE KIND ENOUGH TO
INVITE ME INTO YOUR HOME
AND MAKE ME A
PART OF YOUR FAMILY.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO
INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FAMILY.
FOLLOW ME. LIKE
YOU HAVE A CHOICE.
COME ON. DON'T BE AFRAID.
MEET MY STAIRS,
MY LOAFERS, MY SOCKS, MY SLACKS.
RIGHT THIS WAY.
OH, THERE YOU ARE. GOLLY.
HI, GIRLS. DADDY'S HOME.
HI, DAD! HI, DAD!
MMM! THIS HAPPENS
EVERY NIGHT. I SWEAR.
THIS IS MY DAUGHTER D.J.,
AND THIS IS STEPHANIE.
LOOK, GIRLS, DAD BROUGHT
HOME A CAMERA CREW.
WE KNOW, DAD.
YEAH, DAD. YOU CAME UP HERE
5 MINUTES AGO AND TOLD US.
HONESTY. I TEACH
MY GIRLS HONESTY.
WATCH MY DAD DO THE SPORTS
WEEKNIGHTS ON CHANNEL 8.
AT 4:00, 6:00, AND 10:00.
Stephanie and D.J.:
DON'T MISS HIM.
MARKETING. I ALSO
TEACH THEM MARKETING.
THIS WAY, THIS WAY.
BOY, YOU MOVE FAST.
THIS IS MY OTHER
LITTLE GIRL MICHELLE.
NOT THIS ONE, THIS ONE.
IS SHE READY?
IS SHE READY? ARE
YOU READY, MICHELLE?
YOU READY? HUH?
LET'S DO A LA BAMBA
THING, ALL RIGHT?
READY?
WAH WAH WAH.
♪ LA BAMBA ♪
THESE GUYS ARE ALSO
PART OF MY FAMILY.
YOU SEE, I'M A SINGLE PARENT,
AND THEY HELP ME
TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS.
THIS IS MY BROTHER-IN-LAW JESSE.
HE HAS A ROCK BAND CALLED
JESSE COCHRAN AND THE RIPPERS.
HI, MOM.
AND THIS IS MY GOOD
FRIEND JOEY GLADSTONE.
JOEY'S A STAND-UP COMIC.
AND, OF COURSE, I'M MUCH
FUNNIER THAN I AM RIGHT NOW.
[MICHELLE TALKING]
YES, MICHELLE, SAY,
"HI, SAN FRANCISCO."
[BABY VOICE] HI, SAN FRANCISCO.
PLEASE WATCH MY DADDY.
HE NEEDS THE WORK.
I OUTGROW MY CLOTHES
EVERY 4 MONTHS.
HONESTY, MARKETING,
AND BEGGING FOR RATINGS.
WELCOME TO MY WORLD.
THIS IS...
All: DANNY TANNER,
CHANNEL 8 ACTION SPORTS.
DAD, CAN I HAVE A
RAISE IN ALLOWANCE?
YOU'D LIKE TO SEE THAT,
WOULDN'T YOU, FOLKS?
KIDS. GOD LOVE 'EM.
WRITE LETTERS!
ALL RIGHT!
TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST,
IT NEEDED A POODLE.
YOU GUYS WERE GREAT.
DOES THAT MEAN I GET
THE RAISE IN ALLOWANCE?
LET'S WAIT AND SEE HOW
MANY LETTERS WE GET.
I BET YOU WE GET 18 TOMORROW.
STEPHANIE!
OOPS.
OK, EVERYBODY WHO
WANTS A SUGAR RUSH,
INTO THE KITCHEN FOR
ICE CREAM SUNDAES.
[CHEERING]
MAKE A NICE BANANA SPLIT.
YEAH, YOU BETCHA.
[SQUEALING]
AHA! SEÑOR FERRET RETURNS.
HE'S MAKING YOU LOOK REAL BAD.
THIS TIME HE IS MINE.
COME HERE, BUDDY. COME HERE.
HEY, REMEMBER OUR DEAL.
A CONDO, A MINK, AND CLUB MED.
AH, GOT HIM!
[SQUEALING]
JUST AS I SUSPECTED.
A NORTH AMERICAN
SILVER-FOOTED FERRET,
2 1/2 POUNDS, ADULT MALE.
JOEY, HE'S A PEST
AND HE'S A VARMINT.
AND THE ONLY WAY TO
DISPOSE OF THIS MENACE IS...
I'M GONNA TAKE HIM TO BIG SUR
AND LET HIM GO FREE.
AH, YOU BIG LUG,
YOUR HEART'S AS
BIG AS YOUR HAIR.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE
HIM IN THE KITCHEN,
SHOW THE GIRLS THERE'S
NO MONSTERS, ALL RIGHT?
♪ BORN FREE ♪
♪ AS FREE AS THE WIND BLOWS... ♪
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
♪ WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO PREDICTABILITY ♪
♪ THE MILKMAN, THE
PAPER BOY, EVENING TV ♪
♪ HOW DID I GET DELIVERED HERE ♪
♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME, PLEASE ♪
♪ THIS OLD WORLD'S
CONFUSING ME ♪
♪ CLOUDS AS MEAN
AS YOU'VE EVER SEEN ♪
♪ THERE AIN'T A BIRD
WHO KNOWS YOUR TUNE ♪
♪ THEN A LITTLE VOICE
INSIDE YOU WHISPERS ♪
♪ KID, DON'T SELL YOUR
DREAMS SO SOON ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, ♪
EVERYWHERE YOU ARE ♪
♪ THERE'S A HEART,
THERE'S A HEART ♪
♪ A HAND TO HOLD ON TO ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ THERE'S A FACE ♪
♪ OF SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS YOU ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LOST OUT THERE ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE ♪
♪ A LIGHT IS WAITING
TO CARRY YOU HOME ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK ♪
♪ DOOBIE DOO RAH DAH BAH ♪
SO, KIMMY, YOU WANT
TO STAY FOR DINNER?
MAYBE. WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?
JOEY'S COOKING, SO
I'M NOT REALLY SURE.
IT'S SOMETHING IN AN EARTH TONE.
PASS. BUT IF MY DOG
SINBAD IS HUNGRY,
I'LL SEND HIM OVER.
DON'T DO THAT. I LOVE SINBAD.
STEPHANIE, WHY ARE
YOU FOLLOWING US?
BECAUSE YOU KEEP LEAVING ME.
STEPH, I KNOW YOU'RE ONLY 5
AND YOU HAVE NO
LIFE OF YOUR OWN,
BUT KIMMY AND I ARE
TALKING WOMAN-TO-WOMAN.
I'M A WOMAN.
I'M A LITTLE WOMAN,
BUT I'M A WOMAN.
STEPH, WHEN KIMMY LEAVES,
YOU AND I CAN HAVE A
NICE SISTER-TO-SISTER TALK.
UNLESS I GET A PHONE CALL.
YOU'RE SO GOOD TO ME.
[SQUEALING]
DID YOU GUYS HEAR THAT NOISE?
IT SOUNDED LIKE A MONSTER.
STEPH, YOU'RE ALWAYS
MAKING UP MONSTER NOISES.
THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
ALTHOUGH, YOU LOOK LIKE
THAT KID IN POLTERGEIST
WHO GOT SUCKED UP IN THE TV
AND SAID, "THEY'RE BA-A-CK."
REAL FUNNY.
[IMITATING JAPANESE COOK]
[JAPANESE ACCENT] OOH, YOU
GONNA LOVE THIS, MICHELLE.
[MAKING KARATE SOUNDS]
HI.
HAI!
HAI! HAI!
HOW YOU DOING?
HOW YOU DOING?
GRRR! GRRR!
HEY, MICHELLE.
HEY, JESSE, SOME WOMAN
NAMED BRIANNA CALLED.
SHE SAID SHE'LL
MEET YOU AT 8:00.
WHO'S BRIANNA?
WELL, I TERMINATED
HER TERMITES, AND, UH,
SHE WANTED TO THANK ME,
SO WE CAME UP WITH A
FEW IDEAS, IF YOU WILL.
YOU WENT OUT WEARING A
COCKROACH ON YOUR BACK
AND YOU CAME BACK WITH A DATE?
LOOK, JOEY, DON'T
BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.
IF YOU WANT TO BORROW
MY JUMPSUIT, JUST SAY SO.
UNCLE JESSE,
SOMETHING HORRIBLE
IS IN THE HOUSE.
YOU'RE TELLING ME.
HEY, JESS, GRAB MICHELLE,
HELP ME SET THE TABLE, WILL YOU?
OK. COME ON, MICHELLE.
BRRRLLLRRR!
GREAT NEWS. I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS.
THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HOME!
I MISSED YOU, TOO, HONEY.
DID YOU MISS ALL OF
ME OR JUST MY LEG?
STEPHANIE THINKS SHE HEARD
A MONSTER IN THE GARAGE.
BUT IF YOU ASK ME, IT'S JUST A
DESPERATE PLEA FOR ATTENTION.
D.J., STOP WATCHING OPRAH AND
START DOING YOUR HOMEWORK.
SO, NOW YOU'RE HEARING
A GARAGE MONSTER
INSTEAD OF JUST
THAT CLOSET MONSTER,
WHICH BY THE WAY, HONEY,
WE NEVER REALLY FOUND.
MAYBE BECAUSE...
THE CLOSET MONSTER
MOVED INTO THE GARAGE.
UH, JUST TO CATCH EVERYBODY UP,
I WALKED IN HERE
SAYING, "HEY, GREAT
NEWS, GREAT NEWS."
OH, I GOT GREAT NEWS.
I MET A GIRL TODAY.
THAT'S NOT NEWS, THAT'S SPORTS.
LET'S GIVE DAD A BREAK.
SO WHAT'S YOUR "GREAT
NEWS, GREAT NEWS"?
OK. THANK YOU.
AS YOU ALL KNOW, THE
TV STATIONS IN THIS CITY
ARE FIGHTING EACH
OTHER TOOTH AND NAIL
FOR BETTER RATINGS.
CONGRATULATIONS, DADDY.
STEPH, HONEY, THAT'S
NOT THE GREAT NEWS.
ANYWAY, MY STATION IS PUTTING
TOGETHER A SPECIAL PROMO,
KIND OF LIKE A
LITTLE COMMERCIAL.
ABOUT EACH OF ITS NEWSCASTERS.
NOW HERE COMES THE
GREAT NEWS, STEPH.
THEY'VE PICKED YOUR
FATHER TO BE FIRST.
OH, GREAT. YEAH.
GOOD. ALL RIGHT.
I FEEL THE ENERGY.
OH, BY THE WAY,
YOU'RE ALL GOING
TO BE ON TV WITH ME.
YEAH! GREAT!
OH, I KNEW YOU'D
BE HAPPY FOR ME.
SO THEY'RE COMING TO
THE HOUSE TOMORROW
TO FILM OUR WHOLE FAMILY.
ALL RIGHT. I LIKE THAT.
YEAH!
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY CHOW DOWN.
SHOULD WE SEND OUT
FOR PIZZA OR CHINESE?
All: PIZZA.
IT IS PIZZA.
[SQUEALING]
THEY'RE BA-A-CK.
STEPH, DID YOU MAKE THAT NOISE?
WHY WOULD I MAKE A NOISE
THAT'S SCARING ME TO DEATH?
CAN I SLEEP WITH
YOU IN YOUR BED?
ALL RIGHT. COME ON OVER.
DOES THIS MEAN YOU BELIEVE
ME ABOUT THE MONSTER?
I'M NOT SAYING YES
AND I'M NOT SAYING NO.
I'M JUST SAYING GET OVER HERE!
WHAT IF HE'S UNDER THE BED
WAITING TO EAT MY FEET?
REEL ME IN, D.J.
FASTER!
FASTER!
FASTER!
BLESS YOU.
YOU FORGOT TO
TURN OUT THE LIGHT.
[SQUEALING]
FORGET THE LIGHT.
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
MONSTER! HELP!
HELP! MONSTER!
MON... STER.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WE GOT THE MONSTER
TRAPPED IN OUR ROOM.
GO GET IT, UNCLE JESSE.
YOU'RE A CREEPY-CRAWLY KILLER.
I'M A PEST CONTROL
SPECIALIST, THANK YOU.
PARDON ME.
GO KILL IT!
JESSE, HUMOR THEM...
UNLESS THERE IS SOMETHING
CREEPY AND CRAWLY IN THERE,
IN WHICH CASE, GO KILL IT.
YOU KNOW, IN EVERY MOVIE,
THE HERO IS ALWAYS A SOLDIER
OR A COP, A PRIVATE EYE.
NEVER ONCE,
NEVER ONCE HAVE
THEY MADE A MOVIE
ABOUT THE REAL AMERICAN HERO...
THE EXTERMINATOR.
All: PEST-CONTROL SPECIALIST.
COMING SOON TO A
THEATER NEAR YOU.
DADDY, CAN I SLEEP WITH YOU
IN YOUR BED TONIGHT?
OH, HONEY, YOU DON'T WANT
TO SLEEP I MY BED, DO YOU?
I GUESS NOT.
YOUR UNCLE JESSE SAYS
YOUR ROOM IS MONSTER-FREE,
SO I'M ONLY STAYING HERE
UNTIL YOU TWO FALL ASLEEP.
OK, DAD.
ALL RIGHT, DADDY.
AND YOU TWO REALLY
NEED YOUR SLEEP
BECAUSE TOMORROW A
NICE LADY IS COMING HERE
AND SHE'S GONNA MAKE A
LITTLE MOVIE ABOUT OUR FAMILY.
AND, GIRLS, THERE ARE NO
SUCH THINGS AS MONSTERS.
THE CLOSEST THING IN REAL LIFE
ARE LINEBACKERS.
BUT THEY'RE MUCH
BIGGER THAN MONSTERS,
AND THEY MAKE A LOT MORE MONEY.
GET IT, GIRLS? MORE MONEY?
GIRLS?
GOOD NIGHT.
OK.
OH... THE JOYS OF FATHERHOOD.
COME ON.
OK, MICHELLE, THIS
IS YOUR BIG TV DEBUT.
LET'S GIVE HER THAT
MARILYN MONROE LOOK...
KIND OF... THE BANGS
SWEEPING TO THE LEFT,
THE CURLS FRAMING THE FACE, HUH?
SHE'S GOT THE
LOOK TO PULL IT OFF,
BUT I THINK IT'D BE A CRIME
TO COVER THAT
PRETTY LITTLE FACE.
SEE, I SAY, LIKE, PULL IT BACK,
GIVE HER A MORE
SOPHISTICATED KIND OF LOOK.
MORE THE MADONNA-
BRIGITTE NIELSON KIND OF THING.
LIKE THIS, SEE? LOOK.
THAT'S JACK NICHOLSON.
WHY DON'T WE GIVE
HER KIND OF A, UH...
PEBBLES FLINTSTONE
KIND OF A, UH, A FUN DO?
THAT'S DON KING.
MAYBE JUST A BOW.
BOW. GOOD IDEA.
SIMPLE, YET IT SCREAMS STYLE.
I'LL HOLD IT UP LIKE THIS.
OK.
FINGER.
OK, TIE IT FIRST.
THERE WE GO.
ALL RIGHT, GOOD.
THERE YOU GO. FINGER.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, SHOULD
WE GET HER REEBOKS
OR HER LITTLE GLENS? WHICH ONE?
AH, ONE OF EACH.
OK.
GOT THAT.
YOU DIDN'T JUST...
YEAH, I THINK I DID.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
BABY YO-YO!
ALL RIGHT. TAKE IT OFF.
[SQUEALING]
HEAR THAT NOISE?
THE GIRLS WERE
RIGHT. IT'S THE MONSTER.
SHH. IT'S NOT A MONSTER.
NOW, I HAVE TO HEAR
WHERE IT'S COMING
FROM. BE QUIET.
[SQUEALING]
AHA!
NORTH AMERICAN
SILVER-FOOTED FERRET.
ADULT MALE, 2 1/2 POUNDS.
I'D SAY FROM THE ECHO,
HE'S HEADING TOWARDS THE GARAGE.
HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THIS?
IT'S A GIFT.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON OUT, PAL.
THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING.
GET OUT NOW OR BE ANOTHER
NOTCH ON MY SPRAY GUN.
HA HA HA HA HA!
MICHELLE, I'M SORRY
YOU HAD TO SEE THAT.
BUT THIS HAIR-DO, NOW
THIS, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT IS YOU.
LOOKIT, HUH?
IS THAT, OH, JUST
LOVELY. LOOK AT THAT.
YES.
OK, NOW, THAT'LL BE $84.
ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT
JUST A KISS? COME ON.
AWW. HA HA.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
UNCLE JESSE, THAT
COULD BE THE TV LADY.
DO WE LOOK OK?
YOU GUYS LOOK BEAUTIFUL. I'M
NOT ON THE TRAIL OF YOUR MONSTER.
NAIL HIM, UNCLE JESSE!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
HI. ARE YOU THE LADY
WHO'S PUTTING US ON TV?
YES, I AM BECAUSE
YOU ARE SO ADORABLE.
LET ME SEE YOU SMILE.
WONDERFUL!
LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN
FIND A PLACE FOR MY COAT.
ADORABLE! AND YOU
TAKE DIRECTION, TOO.
MY NAME'S RONNIE.
THAT'S SHORT FOR VERONICA.
I'M D.J... SHORT FOR DONNA JO.
I'M STEPHANIE.
I'M JUST SHORT.
GIRLS... DO YOU KNOW
WHERE YOUR DADDY IS?
DADDY HAS BEEN
DELAYED IN EDITING
BECAUSE THE SATELLITE
DOWNLINK MALFUNCTIONED
DUE TO FREAKISH
BAROMETRIC CONDITIONS.
RONNIE FEELS LIKE
SUCH A DODO-HEAD.
SO, THIS IS YOUR HOME.
THE COLORS ARE
WORKABLE. NICE ANGLES.
YES, I'M SEEING SOME SHOTS.
WHAT ARE WE DOING?
WE THOUGHT YOU KNEW.
ALL RIGHT, PAL. COME ON OUT.
IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.
MAN VERSUS FERRET.
COME ON.
WHO ARE YOU TRYING
TO CATCH, PHIL NIEKRO?
JOSEPH, I HAVE TO IMPROVISE.
I LEFT MY TOOLS IN THE CAR.
LISTEN, IN ORDER
TO CATCH A FERRET,
YOU MUST... BECOME
ONE WITH THE FERRET.
OH, SURE. LIKE THIS?
JOEY, WHEN YOU WERE A KID,
DID YOU FALL OUT
OF A TREE HOUSE?
YEAH.
THERE HE IS. THERE HE IS.
LOOK OUT! I GOT HIM!
I GOT HIM. ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO TO HIM?
THINK OF IT THIS WAY.
I'M MOVING SEÑOR
FERRET ONE STEP UP
INTO HIS SPIRITUAL
ENLIGHTENMENT.
WHAT'S THE NEXT
STEP UP FOR A FERRET?
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN
RAT AND LAWYER.
GIVE ME THE NET.
WELL, IF YOU WERE
GOING AFTER A LAWYER,
I'D BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU,
BUT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
ONE OF GOD'S INNOCENT
LITTLE CREATURES.
GO, RUN, FERRET!
GO, RUN! GO, GO, GO!
♪ BORN FREE ♪
♪ AS FREE AS THE WIND... ♪
THERE HE GOES. I
GOT HIM. I GOT HIM.
OH...
RAN THROUGH THE CRACK,
UP AROUND THE WALL,
RIGHT INTO THE CRAWLSPACE.
SLICK. SLICK MOVE, SEÑOR FERRET.
VERY GOOD.
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME
SINCE I'VE BEEN CHALLENGED.
COME OUT WITH YOUR PAWS UP.
OK, ZIG TO THE RIGHT,
ZAG TO THE LEFT.
GO, FERRET, GO! GO, FERRET, GO!
Jesse: GONE, FERRET, GONE.
DAMN, HE LIVES.
[HUMMING VICTORY SONG]
JOEY, GIVE ME THE LADDER.
I'M NOT PUTTING THE LADDER
BACK UNTIL WE HAVE A TALK.
TALK.
YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME
THAT IF YOU CAPTURE THE FERRET
THAT YOU'LL LET HIM GO IN A
SAFE AND PLEASANT ENVIRONMENT.
OK, FINE. I'LL CAPTURE HIM,
I'LL BUY HIM A LITTLE
FERRET CONDO,
FIX HIM UP WITH
A HOT LITTLE MINK,
AND SEND HIM TO CLUB
MED FOR THE WINTER.
OK. NOW LET'S TALK
ABOUT MAJOR MEDICAL.
HELP ME DOWN HERE.
I GOT YOU.
Jesse: GOOD.
HELLO. HELLO.
THEY HELP TAKE CARE OF US.
THIS IS DANNY TANNER'S FAMILY?
I'M JESSE.
I'M JOEY.
I'M IN TROUBLE.
PEOPLE, PEOPLE,
WE'RE ALMOST READY.
HI. I'M DANNY TANNER.
YOU MUST BE RONNIE GARDNER.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD...
GREAT, YOU'RE HERE. LET'S GO.
TO MEETING YOU.
THAT'S THE LAST OF IT.
JOEY, WHERE ARE YOU
GOING WITH JUPITER?
RONNIE SUGGESTED
THAT I MOVE OUT.
WHY WOULD RONNIE SUGGEST THAT?
NO, NO, DANNY, IT'S
OK. IT'S NO PROBLEM.
A SUCCESSFUL
COMEDIAN LIKE MYSELF
DOESN'T NEED EXPOSURE ON TV.
WORKING IN PARKS
AND TRAIN STATIONS
IS MY ROCKET TO STARDOM.
RONNIE, DON'T YOU
THINK JOEY'S IMPORTANT?
IMPORTANT? WHY, HE'S ESSENTIAL.
HE IS GOING TO BE
HOLDING THE CUE CARDS.
THANK YOU, JOEY.
OH, NO, THANK YOU, RONNIE.
YOU'VE GIVEN MY
LIFE NEW MEANING.
YOU KNOW, DANNY, SO
MANY SPORTSCASTERS
ARE YOUR TYPICAL MACHO,
TWO-FISTED, IRON-PUMPING EX-JOCKS.
YEAH, THAT'S ME IN A NUTSHELL.
WELL, DANNY TANNER,
I AM GONNA SET YOU
APART FROM THE CROWD.
I'M GONNA SELL YOUR FAMILY
WITH CLASS, STYLE,
SOPHISTICATION.
THAT'S ME, TOO.
THERE ARE SO MANY MES.
WE'RE JUST GONNA DO
THIS ONE REHEARSAL.
IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS...
WELL, YOU WON'T.
OUTSIDE. DON'T COME
BACK IN UNTIL I SAY ACTION.
OK, EVERYBODY OVER
HERE. COME ON, LET'S GO.
COME ON. ALL RIGHT,
READY? YOU BACK HERE. AND...
ACTION!
CIAO, FAMILY.
CIAO, FAMILY?
SI, SI. CONTINUE.
OK. THIS IS THE ITALIAN ME.
CIAO, FAMIGLIA.
TO THE SOFA! EVERYBODY AROUND.
GOOD. HERE WE GO. UH-HUH. SIT.
CUE DA VINCI.
DA VINCI?
WHY IS THERE A 4-LEGGED
MARSHMALLOW ON MY LAP?
DANNY, THIS IS NO
FROU-FROU POODLE.
THIS IS A MAN'S POODLE.
THIS IS A POODLE ON STEROIDS.
CUE THE GIRLS.
GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS.
DA VINCI'S A WRAP.
[BARKING]
UM, GOOD DAY, DONNA JO.
AND GOOD DAY TO YOU,
TOO, LITTLE STEPHANIE.
OH, FATHER, HOW
EXCELLENT TO SEE YOU.
WE MISSED YOU, PAPA.
I'M CONFUSED. ARE
WE FRENCH OR ITALIAN?
OR ROQUEFORT?
GIRLS, SIT. CUE HOUSEKEEPER.
HEIGH-HO. TEATIME
AT THE TANNERS'.
NOW WE'RE ENGLISH?
NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU SILLY BLOKE.
I'M THE ENGLISH ONE, YOU TWIT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, MR. FRENCH.
YOU'RE WELCOME, UNCLE BILL.
EXCUSE ME.
BUFFY, JODY.
NOW YOU KNOW WHY I
DIDN'T FIGHT TOO HARD
TO STAY IN THIS THING?
WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS
HAVE TO DO WITH OUR FAMILY?
PEOPLE, PEOPLE, FOCUS, FOCUS.
CREW, OVER BY THE
DOOR. COME ON, LET'S GO.
AND YOU, RIGHT HERE. GOOD.
AND CUE THE BABY MICHELLE.
OH, BABY MICHELLE.
COME TO DADDY, HONEY.
HI, DADDY.
HI, HONEY.
OH, SHE'S SO CUTE.
SHE'S SO ADORABLE.
WHO IS SHE?
SHE'S YOUR ADOPTED DAUGHTER.
WE THOUGHT IT'D BE
GREAT FOR YOUR IMAGE.
HONEY, IS YOUR MOMMY
OR DADDY NEARBY?
IN THE KITCHEN.
THE KITCHEN.
YOU GO IN AND SEE THEM.
AW, SHE'S SO CUTE.
ALMOST AS CUTE
AS MY LITTLE BABY.
WHERE IS MY BABY?
I WANTED TO GO FOR
THE ADOPTED DAUGHTER.
ACTUALLY, MICHELLE JUST
WASN'T QUITE RIGHT FOR THE PART.
YOU'RE SAYING MY
DAUGHTER WASN'T RIGHT
FOR THE PART OF MY DAUGHTER?
I AUDITIONED FOR THE PART
AND I CAME THAT CLOSE.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
HOW COULD YOU GUYS LET
YOURSELVES GET TALKED INTO THIS?
WELL, WE KNEW HOW
IMPORTANT IT WAS TO YOU, AND...
WELL, WE PLAYED ALONG,
JUT IN CASE YOU ACTUALLY
WENT FOR THIS CRAZY CARTOON.
I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.
TELEVISION NEWS IS A
VERY COMPETITIVE MARKET.
YOU'VE GOT TO DO
SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE A NOISE.
YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE A SPLASH.
I THINK YOU SPLASHED
DOWN FROM ANOTHER PLANET.
WAIT.
I'M GETTING A VISION.
I'M SEEING A LOVING FAMILY.
I'M SEEING...
FRIENDS WHO WILL DO
ANYTHING TO HELP EACH OTHER.
KNOW WHAT I'M SEEING?
I'M SEEING MY CHILDREN
PLAYING THE PART OF MY CHILDREN.
NICE. SWEET.
NOT INSANE.
IT'S BEEN DONE.
YEAH, BUT NOT BY US.
HEY, I'M PROUD OF WHO WE ARE,
AND UNLESS YOU
WANT TO SHOW PEOPLE
THE REAL TANNER FAMILY,
I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO
DIRECT THIS THING MYSELF.
IF YOU'RE GONNA DIRECT,
THEN WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
OH, IT'S QUITE SIMPLE, RONNIE.
YOU WILL HOLD THE CUE CARDS.
ALL RIGHT, QUIET,
EVERYBODY. IT'S ON, IT'S ON.
ALL RIGHT, WATCH THIS.
HELLO. I'M DANNY TANNER.
I DO THE SPORTS FOR
CHANNEL 8 NEWSBEAT.
EVERY DAY AT
4:00, 6:00, AND 10:00,
YOU'RE KIND ENOUGH TO
INVITE ME INTO YOUR HOME
AND MAKE ME A
PART OF YOUR FAMILY.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO
INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FAMILY.
FOLLOW ME. LIKE
YOU HAVE A CHOICE.
COME ON. DON'T BE AFRAID.
MEET MY STAIRS,
MY LOAFERS, MY SOCKS, MY SLACKS.
RIGHT THIS WAY.
OH, THERE YOU ARE. GOLLY.
HI, GIRLS. DADDY'S HOME.
HI, DAD! HI, DAD!
MMM! THIS HAPPENS
EVERY NIGHT. I SWEAR.
THIS IS MY DAUGHTER D.J.,
AND THIS IS STEPHANIE.
LOOK, GIRLS, DAD BROUGHT
HOME A CAMERA CREW.
WE KNOW, DAD.
YEAH, DAD. YOU CAME UP HERE
5 MINUTES AGO AND TOLD US.
HONESTY. I TEACH
MY GIRLS HONESTY.
WATCH MY DAD DO THE SPORTS
WEEKNIGHTS ON CHANNEL 8.
AT 4:00, 6:00, AND 10:00.
Stephanie and D.J.:
DON'T MISS HIM.
MARKETING. I ALSO
TEACH THEM MARKETING.
THIS WAY, THIS WAY.
BOY, YOU MOVE FAST.
THIS IS MY OTHER
LITTLE GIRL MICHELLE.
NOT THIS ONE, THIS ONE.
IS SHE READY?
IS SHE READY? ARE
YOU READY, MICHELLE?
YOU READY? HUH?
LET'S DO A LA BAMBA
THING, ALL RIGHT?
READY?
WAH WAH WAH.
♪ LA BAMBA ♪
THESE GUYS ARE ALSO
PART OF MY FAMILY.
YOU SEE, I'M A SINGLE PARENT,
AND THEY HELP ME
TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS.
THIS IS MY BROTHER-IN-LAW JESSE.
HE HAS A ROCK BAND CALLED
JESSE COCHRAN AND THE RIPPERS.
HI, MOM.
AND THIS IS MY GOOD
FRIEND JOEY GLADSTONE.
JOEY'S A STAND-UP COMIC.
AND, OF COURSE, I'M MUCH
FUNNIER THAN I AM RIGHT NOW.
[MICHELLE TALKING]
YES, MICHELLE, SAY,
"HI, SAN FRANCISCO."
[BABY VOICE] HI, SAN FRANCISCO.
PLEASE WATCH MY DADDY.
HE NEEDS THE WORK.
I OUTGROW MY CLOTHES
EVERY 4 MONTHS.
HONESTY, MARKETING,
AND BEGGING FOR RATINGS.
WELCOME TO MY WORLD.
THIS IS...
All: DANNY TANNER,
CHANNEL 8 ACTION SPORTS.
DAD, CAN I HAVE A
RAISE IN ALLOWANCE?
YOU'D LIKE TO SEE THAT,
WOULDN'T YOU, FOLKS?
KIDS. GOD LOVE 'EM.
WRITE LETTERS!
ALL RIGHT!
TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST,
IT NEEDED A POODLE.
YOU GUYS WERE GREAT.
DOES THAT MEAN I GET
THE RAISE IN ALLOWANCE?
LET'S WAIT AND SEE HOW
MANY LETTERS WE GET.
I BET YOU WE GET 18 TOMORROW.
STEPHANIE!
OOPS.
OK, EVERYBODY WHO
WANTS A SUGAR RUSH,
INTO THE KITCHEN FOR
ICE CREAM SUNDAES.
[CHEERING]
MAKE A NICE BANANA SPLIT.
YEAH, YOU BETCHA.
[SQUEALING]
AHA! SEÑOR FERRET RETURNS.
HE'S MAKING YOU LOOK REAL BAD.
THIS TIME HE IS MINE.
COME HERE, BUDDY. COME HERE.
HEY, REMEMBER OUR DEAL.
A CONDO, A MINK, AND CLUB MED.
AH, GOT HIM!
[SQUEALING]
JUST AS I SUSPECTED.
A NORTH AMERICAN
SILVER-FOOTED FERRET,
2 1/2 POUNDS, ADULT MALE.
JOEY, HE'S A PEST
AND HE'S A VARMINT.
AND THE ONLY WAY TO
DISPOSE OF THIS MENACE IS...
I'M GONNA TAKE HIM TO BIG SUR
AND LET HIM GO FREE.
AH, YOU BIG LUG,
YOUR HEART'S AS
BIG AS YOUR HAIR.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE
HIM IN THE KITCHEN,
SHOW THE GIRLS THERE'S
NO MONSTERS, ALL RIGHT?
♪ BORN FREE ♪
♪ AS FREE AS THE WIND BLOWS... ♪
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.