Fucking Adelaide (2017): Season 1, Episode 1 - Eli Loves Real Life - full transcript
♪♪ I can do you
♪♪ Better than you
♪♪ Can do you
♪♪ And if you don't want it bad
♪♪ You can return it
MAN: After the shit
I've had to deal with...
♪♪ And if you don't want a book
♪♪ Then you can burn it
♪♪ You couldn't lose... ♪♪
Just fucking stop talking, then!
♪♪ You couldn't lose if you tried... ♪♪
Stop just standing there!
(SMASH!)
WOMAN: So you're gonna drown it out
with smashes...
Keep singing, Eli. Keep singing.
I'm here sticking my neck out
every day...
♪♪ You're so pathetic... ♪♪
(SMASH!)
Fuck! Look what you made me do.
♪♪ I'll try to follow it up... ♪♪
I come home
and you're a silent judge...
♪♪ I'll never get it... ♪♪
..make me look like
the fucking bad guy.
How can you encourage him?
♪♪ And I won't be a winner... ♪♪
He can't even hold a tune!
Please, please, please
just calm down.
One day, you'll get out of here
and when you do,
you'll be such a massive star.
I know it.
(PLAYS PIANO GENTLY)
(PLAYS STRONGLY)
(SYNTHESISED VOICE)
♪♪ And I won't be a winner
♪♪ And you won't be a winner
(DISTORTED VOICE)
♪♪ And you can just tell
♪♪ You can just tell
♪♪ You can just tell
that I'll never make it
(VOICE DISTORTS FURTHER)
♪♪ You can just tell
♪♪ You can just tell
that I'll never make... ♪♪
(STOPS PLAYING)
(PHONE RINGS)
Hi, Mum.
I've bought you a ticket home!
Why? Did somebody die?
No! Why do you always ask that?
Yeah, well, look, I'm kind of busy.
I've got gigs and a life
and a boyfriend and...
I can't just come to Adelaide
on a whim, Mum.
I've got a very good reason for you
to come back, mon petit enfant -
because I want you to.
I've lived in this house
for some 30-odd years
and for some reason it is full
to the brim with my children's shit.
You... you've got to come back here
and help me go through it
otherwise I'll just get rid of
all your stuff.
Yeah, well, look, unless you can
magic an auto-tuner out of it,
I don't really care.
So, you know... nice try, Maman.
I love you so much but
I will see you at Christmas. Bye.
Bye, Mum.
(AUTO-TUNER ECHOES)
♪♪ Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum. ♪♪
I used to know a guy from Adelaide.
A Joey something.
You know a Joey?
Yeah, show's over.
Nath?
Nathan, you've got to
put me on at night.
There's nobody here. Huh?
You think I'd let you do that
at night?
(SCOFFS)
You know, you're supposed to be
pouring drinks for other people.
That's what I actually pay for.
Speaking of which...
(SNAPS FINGERS) Hey?
Oh, your boyfriend's got it.
You gave it to Peter?
Yeah, well, since when
was that a problem?
Um...
Hey, just as a general rule, can you
stop giving my wages to other people?
Are you gonna pay for that?
You're not even going to give me
a rider? You are such a fuck.
Well, who are you -
Rufus Wainwright?
Hey, don't be a fuck!
You're the fuck.
Come on. Give me it.
Hey! Give me that back.
Let it go! Stop it.
Stop it!
You're a fucking fuckface.
(COUGHS)
♪♪ Five, six, seven...
Yeah, the ticket's in my name.
How can I not get a refund?
Because you didn't buy it, sir.
Oh, shit. Um... Pete!
But surely it's mine
to do with as I please.
Well, I could change the flight
times for you but I can't refund it.
Pete, I think you've
latched the door, honey.
You haven't paid rent.
Yeah. You just took that from Nathan!
(LAUGHS) That doesn't cover
three months!
Oh, well, sorry, but just... let me
in and we'll talk about it, OK?
Sir, I can't hang up.
Only you can hang up.
You can come back tomorrow and I'll
leave all your stuff out there.
What, you're breaking up with me?
Um, we did that a long time ago,
Eli.
Uh, anything else
I can help you with, sir?
I just lost my job.
Which is fine.
My God, just go!
Where am I going to sleep?
Find another couch.
Um... I could change your flight
to later this afternoon?
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(SQUEALS) Eli, I'm so excited!
I fucking love you.
Tell me
you brought a change of clothes.
(WAKE UP IN A WHIRR
BY CAITLIN PARK PLAYS ON RADIO)
♪♪ I can show you cities
of worship... ♪♪
I think the whole world could end
and this city would somehow
go on unchanged.
(PHONE BUZZES)
Adelaide actually has
a lot to offer now.
Have you been to Peel Street?
It's, like, just like Melbourne.
There's, like, heaps to do.
There's like these
amazing underground bars
and these, like,
incredible restaurants.
Yeah, you know, I just kind of want
to go home to my old bed and sleep
and not have a billion questions
from you and Mum.
♪♪ For the day won't dawn
♪♪ And the sky... ♪♪
What are these clothes?
♪♪ Without it... ♪♪
We really love you, OK?
Mm.
We're just excited
that our glamorous Eli is home.
Yeah, I'm just back for a bit.
Can you just like
pretend to be excited?
♪♪ For what it's worth... ♪♪
Just, like, a bit?
♪♪ For what it's worth
♪♪ It wasn't
what you might think... ♪♪
(TURNS OFF CAR AND RADIO)
What am I wearing?
Are these my old clothes?
Whoooo!
Whoo! Whoo!
I cannot tell you how fabulous it is
to have all of you together.
All of us?
'Cause we've got a very important
thing we need to discuss.
What are you wearing?
Huh?
Kitty!
Don't be mad!
What is your brother wearing?
Discuss what?
(PHONE BUZZES)
For fuck's sake!
Open the door, honey. It's OK.
What happened?
Is it locked?
She's barricaded it with something.
KITTY: I'm sorry!
You're back early this year.
Oh, hello to you too.
You didn't just come back
from Thailand
to sort through a shed, did you?
Yeah, well,
I wouldn't trust any of you
to save my childhood
from Mum's spring clean.
Kitty, please. No-one is mad.
Ugh, I'm going to bed.
Just let me in.
I just... I just want to talk.
Can you remove your child
from my room so I may sleep?
Oh, do we have to have this argument
every time?
That bedroom was mine
well before it was yours
and my whole family is here.
Can I just have it for one night?
Come on.
What are you wearing?
Kitty, just... I just want to
talk to you.
Why does everyone keep asking
what I'm wearing?
It's normal. It's norm...
normal... normcore, alright?
They are...
..his clothes.
Somehow, Kitty has found
some of his old clothes and...
..you are wearing them.
♪♪ Kitty! Kitty! Kitty! Kitty! Kitty!
Kitty!
BOTH: Kitty!
Toby, break down the door!
Oh, are you sure?
Yes, we are sure.
KITTY: No, no, no, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm really sorry, OK?
It's just, they were the only
male clothes that I had and...
Kitty! What the fuck?
Kitty.
And he said that he needed some,
so I just thought that, you know...
I...
Where did you get that?
You held onto this?
It wasn't me.
♪♪ Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty... ♪♪
Look, I didn't know that it would...
I mean, it's just I...
♪♪ Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty... ♪♪
I mean, I hardly even knew him.
Kitty, you don't need to know
anything about that man
except that he was a fucking deadbeat
and we are a million times
better off without him.
You need to burn that box.
Just forget it. End of story, OK?
(SIGHS)
Oh, leave me alone.
I just want to go to fucking bed.
You can't take Mum's room.
It's OK, Emma.
(PHONE BUZZES)
When you're ready, the sofa is
all made up for you, as usual.
Why do I have to
sleep on the couch every time?
Can't I stay in here with you?
(PHONE BUZZES)
Is that your phone?
Mm.
In Sydney, I'm a 7 out of 10,
at best.
In Adelaide, I'm a fucking 10,
apparently.
It's OK, honey.
Adelaide just knows you better.
(PHONE BUZZES)
Can we maybe turn off the phone?
It's in the pants in the hall.
I'm not touching those clothes.
Kitty, go get your brother's phone.
Yeah, tongs are in the kitchen.
I think that I can probably
pick it up with my hands.
(PHONE BUZZES)
Mum?
Mmm?
Can you buy me a new phone?
No, honey.
Eli, your profile picture
is from, like, six Christmases ago.
(LAUGHS) Thank you, Kitty.
Adelaide's always been
a lovely place to sleep.
Mmm.
How did you know
I needed to come home?
Have you got some... secret
mamma Juju powers or something?
I'm selling the house.
What?
For how much?
You're not selling the house, Mum.
Yes, I am.
But where are we gonna live?
You could get a good price
on this house, Maman.
But you're selling our home?
Could you at least include me
in on the conversation?
Include you? You left this shit-hole
18 years ago!
Hey!
Well, it's still my shit-hole!
Stop calling it a shit-hole!
♪♪ Shit-hole... ♪♪
(DOOR SLAMS)
Can I remind you that this shit-hole
is where Kitty and I live.
Now go and apologise to your sister.
Half-sister.
Go!
OK.
Kitty?
Kitty... I'm sorry for calling
Adelaide a shit-hole.
♪♪ Shit-hole... ♪♪
"Now push your golden plate a little
nearer so that we may eat together.
"And so she did."
♪♪ Mm-mm
♪♪ Mm-mm
♪♪ Shit-hole... ♪♪
(PHONE BUZZES)
(PHONE BUZZES)
♪♪ Shit-hole... ♪♪
♪♪ Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty
♪♪ Kitty, Kitty, Kitty,
Kitty, Kitty, Kitty... ♪♪
(HUMS)
(CAR APPROACHES)
So, your name is...?
No names.
No fucking names.
Seriously?
Yes.
♪♪ I won't be a winner
♪♪ Yeah!
♪♪ And you won't be a winner
♪♪ You can just tell
♪♪ You can just tell
♪♪ You can just tell that
♪♪ I'll never make it
♪♪ Yeah!
♪♪ You can just tell
♪♪ You can just tell that
♪♪ I'll never make it
♪♪ Ooh! ♪♪
♪♪ Better than you
♪♪ Can do you
♪♪ And if you don't want it bad
♪♪ You can return it
MAN: After the shit
I've had to deal with...
♪♪ And if you don't want a book
♪♪ Then you can burn it
♪♪ You couldn't lose... ♪♪
Just fucking stop talking, then!
♪♪ You couldn't lose if you tried... ♪♪
Stop just standing there!
(SMASH!)
WOMAN: So you're gonna drown it out
with smashes...
Keep singing, Eli. Keep singing.
I'm here sticking my neck out
every day...
♪♪ You're so pathetic... ♪♪
(SMASH!)
Fuck! Look what you made me do.
♪♪ I'll try to follow it up... ♪♪
I come home
and you're a silent judge...
♪♪ I'll never get it... ♪♪
..make me look like
the fucking bad guy.
How can you encourage him?
♪♪ And I won't be a winner... ♪♪
He can't even hold a tune!
Please, please, please
just calm down.
One day, you'll get out of here
and when you do,
you'll be such a massive star.
I know it.
(PLAYS PIANO GENTLY)
(PLAYS STRONGLY)
(SYNTHESISED VOICE)
♪♪ And I won't be a winner
♪♪ And you won't be a winner
(DISTORTED VOICE)
♪♪ And you can just tell
♪♪ You can just tell
♪♪ You can just tell
that I'll never make it
(VOICE DISTORTS FURTHER)
♪♪ You can just tell
♪♪ You can just tell
that I'll never make... ♪♪
(STOPS PLAYING)
(PHONE RINGS)
Hi, Mum.
I've bought you a ticket home!
Why? Did somebody die?
No! Why do you always ask that?
Yeah, well, look, I'm kind of busy.
I've got gigs and a life
and a boyfriend and...
I can't just come to Adelaide
on a whim, Mum.
I've got a very good reason for you
to come back, mon petit enfant -
because I want you to.
I've lived in this house
for some 30-odd years
and for some reason it is full
to the brim with my children's shit.
You... you've got to come back here
and help me go through it
otherwise I'll just get rid of
all your stuff.
Yeah, well, look, unless you can
magic an auto-tuner out of it,
I don't really care.
So, you know... nice try, Maman.
I love you so much but
I will see you at Christmas. Bye.
Bye, Mum.
(AUTO-TUNER ECHOES)
♪♪ Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum. ♪♪
I used to know a guy from Adelaide.
A Joey something.
You know a Joey?
Yeah, show's over.
Nath?
Nathan, you've got to
put me on at night.
There's nobody here. Huh?
You think I'd let you do that
at night?
(SCOFFS)
You know, you're supposed to be
pouring drinks for other people.
That's what I actually pay for.
Speaking of which...
(SNAPS FINGERS) Hey?
Oh, your boyfriend's got it.
You gave it to Peter?
Yeah, well, since when
was that a problem?
Um...
Hey, just as a general rule, can you
stop giving my wages to other people?
Are you gonna pay for that?
You're not even going to give me
a rider? You are such a fuck.
Well, who are you -
Rufus Wainwright?
Hey, don't be a fuck!
You're the fuck.
Come on. Give me it.
Hey! Give me that back.
Let it go! Stop it.
Stop it!
You're a fucking fuckface.
(COUGHS)
♪♪ Five, six, seven...
Yeah, the ticket's in my name.
How can I not get a refund?
Because you didn't buy it, sir.
Oh, shit. Um... Pete!
But surely it's mine
to do with as I please.
Well, I could change the flight
times for you but I can't refund it.
Pete, I think you've
latched the door, honey.
You haven't paid rent.
Yeah. You just took that from Nathan!
(LAUGHS) That doesn't cover
three months!
Oh, well, sorry, but just... let me
in and we'll talk about it, OK?
Sir, I can't hang up.
Only you can hang up.
You can come back tomorrow and I'll
leave all your stuff out there.
What, you're breaking up with me?
Um, we did that a long time ago,
Eli.
Uh, anything else
I can help you with, sir?
I just lost my job.
Which is fine.
My God, just go!
Where am I going to sleep?
Find another couch.
Um... I could change your flight
to later this afternoon?
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(SQUEALS) Eli, I'm so excited!
I fucking love you.
Tell me
you brought a change of clothes.
(WAKE UP IN A WHIRR
BY CAITLIN PARK PLAYS ON RADIO)
♪♪ I can show you cities
of worship... ♪♪
I think the whole world could end
and this city would somehow
go on unchanged.
(PHONE BUZZES)
Adelaide actually has
a lot to offer now.
Have you been to Peel Street?
It's, like, just like Melbourne.
There's, like, heaps to do.
There's like these
amazing underground bars
and these, like,
incredible restaurants.
Yeah, you know, I just kind of want
to go home to my old bed and sleep
and not have a billion questions
from you and Mum.
♪♪ For the day won't dawn
♪♪ And the sky... ♪♪
What are these clothes?
♪♪ Without it... ♪♪
We really love you, OK?
Mm.
We're just excited
that our glamorous Eli is home.
Yeah, I'm just back for a bit.
Can you just like
pretend to be excited?
♪♪ For what it's worth... ♪♪
Just, like, a bit?
♪♪ For what it's worth
♪♪ It wasn't
what you might think... ♪♪
(TURNS OFF CAR AND RADIO)
What am I wearing?
Are these my old clothes?
Whoooo!
Whoo! Whoo!
I cannot tell you how fabulous it is
to have all of you together.
All of us?
'Cause we've got a very important
thing we need to discuss.
What are you wearing?
Huh?
Kitty!
Don't be mad!
What is your brother wearing?
Discuss what?
(PHONE BUZZES)
For fuck's sake!
Open the door, honey. It's OK.
What happened?
Is it locked?
She's barricaded it with something.
KITTY: I'm sorry!
You're back early this year.
Oh, hello to you too.
You didn't just come back
from Thailand
to sort through a shed, did you?
Yeah, well,
I wouldn't trust any of you
to save my childhood
from Mum's spring clean.
Kitty, please. No-one is mad.
Ugh, I'm going to bed.
Just let me in.
I just... I just want to talk.
Can you remove your child
from my room so I may sleep?
Oh, do we have to have this argument
every time?
That bedroom was mine
well before it was yours
and my whole family is here.
Can I just have it for one night?
Come on.
What are you wearing?
Kitty, just... I just want to
talk to you.
Why does everyone keep asking
what I'm wearing?
It's normal. It's norm...
normal... normcore, alright?
They are...
..his clothes.
Somehow, Kitty has found
some of his old clothes and...
..you are wearing them.
♪♪ Kitty! Kitty! Kitty! Kitty! Kitty!
Kitty!
BOTH: Kitty!
Toby, break down the door!
Oh, are you sure?
Yes, we are sure.
KITTY: No, no, no, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm really sorry, OK?
It's just, they were the only
male clothes that I had and...
Kitty! What the fuck?
Kitty.
And he said that he needed some,
so I just thought that, you know...
I...
Where did you get that?
You held onto this?
It wasn't me.
♪♪ Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty... ♪♪
Look, I didn't know that it would...
I mean, it's just I...
♪♪ Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty... ♪♪
I mean, I hardly even knew him.
Kitty, you don't need to know
anything about that man
except that he was a fucking deadbeat
and we are a million times
better off without him.
You need to burn that box.
Just forget it. End of story, OK?
(SIGHS)
Oh, leave me alone.
I just want to go to fucking bed.
You can't take Mum's room.
It's OK, Emma.
(PHONE BUZZES)
When you're ready, the sofa is
all made up for you, as usual.
Why do I have to
sleep on the couch every time?
Can't I stay in here with you?
(PHONE BUZZES)
Is that your phone?
Mm.
In Sydney, I'm a 7 out of 10,
at best.
In Adelaide, I'm a fucking 10,
apparently.
It's OK, honey.
Adelaide just knows you better.
(PHONE BUZZES)
Can we maybe turn off the phone?
It's in the pants in the hall.
I'm not touching those clothes.
Kitty, go get your brother's phone.
Yeah, tongs are in the kitchen.
I think that I can probably
pick it up with my hands.
(PHONE BUZZES)
Mum?
Mmm?
Can you buy me a new phone?
No, honey.
Eli, your profile picture
is from, like, six Christmases ago.
(LAUGHS) Thank you, Kitty.
Adelaide's always been
a lovely place to sleep.
Mmm.
How did you know
I needed to come home?
Have you got some... secret
mamma Juju powers or something?
I'm selling the house.
What?
For how much?
You're not selling the house, Mum.
Yes, I am.
But where are we gonna live?
You could get a good price
on this house, Maman.
But you're selling our home?
Could you at least include me
in on the conversation?
Include you? You left this shit-hole
18 years ago!
Hey!
Well, it's still my shit-hole!
Stop calling it a shit-hole!
♪♪ Shit-hole... ♪♪
(DOOR SLAMS)
Can I remind you that this shit-hole
is where Kitty and I live.
Now go and apologise to your sister.
Half-sister.
Go!
OK.
Kitty?
Kitty... I'm sorry for calling
Adelaide a shit-hole.
♪♪ Shit-hole... ♪♪
"Now push your golden plate a little
nearer so that we may eat together.
"And so she did."
♪♪ Mm-mm
♪♪ Mm-mm
♪♪ Shit-hole... ♪♪
(PHONE BUZZES)
(PHONE BUZZES)
♪♪ Shit-hole... ♪♪
♪♪ Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty
♪♪ Kitty, Kitty, Kitty,
Kitty, Kitty, Kitty... ♪♪
(HUMS)
(CAR APPROACHES)
So, your name is...?
No names.
No fucking names.
Seriously?
Yes.
♪♪ I won't be a winner
♪♪ Yeah!
♪♪ And you won't be a winner
♪♪ You can just tell
♪♪ You can just tell
♪♪ You can just tell that
♪♪ I'll never make it
♪♪ Yeah!
♪♪ You can just tell
♪♪ You can just tell that
♪♪ I'll never make it
♪♪ Ooh! ♪♪