Friends with Better Lives (2014): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Bicycle Thieves - full transcript
Lowell joins Bobby and Will for a boys' night of debauchery, and Kate insists that Jules gets special treatment because she's hot. Meanwhile, Andi becomes insecure when she discovers that Bobby has Playboy models as patients.
That was astounding.
You ate your sandwich,
My sandwich,
and bobby's sandwich.
Hey, I'm eating for two.
...Hundred people.
Lowell:
The waiters and I have
a bet going to see how much
You can put away.
See, a few of the guys
Thought you'd quit
after the yam fries.
But I know you better than that.
Attagirl.
And it's great to see you
feeding that baby
Growing inside you.
Yeah, great for you. We're
the ones that have to stop
At burger barn on the
way home for round two.
Classic bob. Always
quick with a quip.
I'm looking forward to more of
that fun banter tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night?
Tomorrow night's guy's night,
did you invite him?
Andi:
I did.
Wha... Why?
Every Friday night,
The girls and I do our thing
And you guys do your thing and
I feel like lowell's left out.
It'd be nice to include him.
What's the big deal?
The big deal is that
guy's night is for dudes.
Yeah.
Yeah, and lowell's
not really a dude.
He's got a penis;
how is he not a dude?
Yogurt panna cotta
with stewed rhubarb
Showered with pansies.
Boy, sometimes
you ask a question
And the universe
gives you an answer.
For the last time:
You have 13 items.
I have nine items.
Coffee, wine, pickles, bacon,
tampons, chocolate, onions,
Condoms and frosting.
You have five onions.
And I don't even want to count
how many condoms you have.
Yeah? Well,
I'm safe and popular,
So scan me through.
Hi... Arthur.
Hi.
Wha... You're
scanning her through?
What happened to
12 items or less?
It's like she's shopping
for a hurricane.
Oh, my god. Is this
an express lane?
I had no idea,
I am so sorry.
It's okay,
honest mistake.
Oh, I get it.
It's happening again.
What's happening again?
You're getting special
treatment 'cause you're hot.
(scoffs) excuse me?
You're hot. You're very hot,
you know you're hot.
That leads people
to give you things,
Because gorgeous people get
things that other people don't.
Okay, I am a little
hurt by that.
Oh, my god, do you need me
to call a manager?
Manager on register two,
manager on register two.
It's okay,
arthur, thank you.
Thank you,
I got this.
People are nice to me
Because I'm nice to them.
It's true, she's enchanting.
I hope you get demoted
to the regular lane.
(gasps) I cannot believe
you went there.
Hi, wanda.
Andi,
Look at you, you're glowing.
Oh, it's sweat.
I ate three burritos.
I got the meat sweats.
I'm disgusting. (chuckles)
No, you pregnant.
Hm.
Anyway, I'm surprising bobby
with lunch.
Will: All right,
Mrs. Gilbert needs
to come back in six
months. And tell her
I know those things aren't
getting up there by accident.
Hi, will.
Hey, andi.
(whispering): Who's that?
Oh, that's raquel.
She's gorgeous.
She's the playmate
of the year.
Oh, my god, you have
a playmate patient?
She's not my patient,
she's bobby's.
Oh, my god, for how long?
Couple years.
Oh, my god, what is she in for?
Just the standard vagina stuff.
Andi, what
a great surprise.
Raquel, I'm ready
for you.
You can go on inside and get
undressed, I'll be right in.
Thank you.
Whoa.
Somebody smells
like burritos.
I'll meet you
in the office after?
What are you doing?
Oh, just warming up my hands.
Like I said, when you're nice to
people, they're nice in return.
Try it and you'll see.
Fine,
I will be incredibly pleasant,
and because I'm not
All of that, it will not make
a bit of difference.
Hi, arthur.
Don't know if you remember me.
Oh, the tampon-onion-condom
lady.
Look, I-I think we got off
on the wrong foot yesterday,
And I want to apologize.
All right, I am listening.
I didn't mean to devalue you
or the rules of the supermarket.
And I like your vest.
The blue really
matches your eyes.
(chuckles) they're actually
green, but compliment taken.
Would you like
a mylar balloon
That we normally
only give to toddlers?
Oh, no, that's o...
Okay, thank you.
Well, a smile is the raincoat
you wear in the sunshine.
Wow, what a thing to say.
Would you care to donate
to children in need?
I would love to.
Great, just
enter the amount
You would care to
give on the keypad.
Okay.
Shoot, uh, I-I meant to press
five, but I punched in 50.
All right, $50 it is.
No-no-no.
No, I meant to press five,
So you just need
to give me back $45.
You want to take $45 away
from the children?
No, I'm not
taking anything away,
I never meant to give that much.
Have you
Seen these children?
Do you know what
they've been through?
They don't have a balloon.
They can have my balloon.
And I'll take my $45,
So just open the drawer
and give me the money.
Is this a robbery?
Yes, it's a robbery, you are
stealing my money...
Okay, we're leaving.
We're leaving.
I don't get it,
what did I do wrong?
You should have told me
you had a playmate patient.
I never discuss my patients.
Plus, I don't think
of her as a playmate.
I'm a gynecologist.
A vagina is a vagina
is a vagina.
Okay, but you look
at the magazine.
Well, yeah, that's
just me being a guy.
Okay, so which part of you is
the "gy," and which part
of you is the "necologist?"
Andi, this is crazy.
I'm a doctor.
What, are you gonna
have a problem
With every playmate
patient I have?
There are others?
Yeah, well, you get February,
February tells November,
November's like, "hey, October."
So how many are there?
I don't know... Six.
Six.
...Teen, 16.
16? There's only
12 months in the year.
Yeah, well,
sometimes it's twins.
So lowell is joining us
for guy's night.
Yeah, well,
You know, I thought about it,
and andi had a good point
About him being left out.
And she saw raquel.
Just trying to make
my life easier.
So, what's on tap
for tonight?
Oh, just a little
Something called
red velvet cupcakes!
Ah...
Cupcake, I cannot wait
to put you inside me.
Too far?
Oh, it's getting
ready to start.
Here we go.
All right.
G'day, lads!
Hey!
Hey!
Here we go.
Oh, I thought the girls
were out tonight.
They are.
Then what's with
the wine and the cupcakes?
And what are you
watching?
The good wife.
It's a good show.
What kind
of dude's night is this?
What are you gonna do later,
braid each other's hair
And cut pictures of boys
out of magazines?
First of all...
(chuckles)
This is a red
velvet cupcake
With buttercream
frosting.
And it pairs beautifully
with this pinot grigio.
What?
No, boys, come on.
I thought we'd
start drinking here,
Then we'd go
to a bar
And we'd drink
some more,
And then we'd come back here
And keep bloody drinking.
Duh.
I mean...
Of course.
You misunderstood us.
We-we like to start
with the cupcakes
To line our stomachs
for the bourbon
And-and
the whiskey.
Right.
Bourbon is whiskey, bob.
Obviously.
We're testing you.
Give me that.
There it is.
Oh...
Burns.
Burns...
Just admit I'm right
and you're wrong.
I was nice and he still
didn't ring me up.
Okay, you weren't nice.
You tried to steal money
from starving children.
I went through
this with arthur,
I went through this
with store security,
I'm not gonna go
through it with you.
You are never
gonna believe
Who bobby's
patient is.
Raquel pomplun,
playmate of the year.
No!
Really?
Yes. And not just her,
there are other playmates
And actresses
and, like, five supermodels.
(gasps)
Bobby's had his hands
on supervag?
I know.
This whole time I thought
that he was examining
Ordinary, run-of-the-mill
women all day.
I thought I was his supervag.
First of all,
bobby worships you.
Second of all,
a pretty face
Does not necessarily
mean a pretty vag.
It's true.
For all we know, this
one's is a horror show.
Okay, mine...
Is very pretty.
And nice.
But it's true.
Gorgeous women
can have gross ones,
And gross women
can have gorgeous ones.
Remember
suzette diprima?
Yes.
Stunning face.
They called her
flapjacks.
You know, because there
was sort of a...
Yes, we got it.
Thank you.
Maybe I'm just
getting in my head.
I'm sure mine is just as great
As bobby's gorgeous patients.
Well...
Eh...
What?
We've seen you
in the sauna.
And?
Let's just say
The garden's
gotten a little...
Overgrown.
Yeah.
When was the last time
you got a wax?
I don't know.
Who keeps track of these things?
Most women.
Forgive me if,
in my current state,
I don't want to get naked
in front of some stranger.
You don't have
to go to a stranger.
There are at-home
waxing kits.
Yeah.
I'll buy one
for you,
And you can hack
through it
In the privacy of
your own home.
I mean, really?
Do you want your baby
to enter the world
Through
that haystack?
(will groans)
I feel horrible.
(exhales)
Why is it so dark?
'cause your hand
is covering your face.
Rise and shine, boys.
Lowell, are you not hungover?
Oh, yeah, I've never been
in more pain in my life.
Pancakes?
Why are my underwear
in my pocket?
That's my underwear.
How do you reckon
we got back here?
'cause I don't remember anything
after bobby threw up
And we got kicked out
of that taxi.
I remember break-dancing
in the mall for money.
I remember bikes.
I remember bikes.
Did we buy bikes?
Did we steal bikes?
Not just any bikes.
Police bikes!
We stole police bikes!
From the police.
Oh, my god!
Shh!
(quietly):
Andi and charlie
are still sleeping.
And panicking
doesn't help anyone.
Who's panicking?
This is bloody awesome!
Nothing like a prank
to bring the boys together, eh?
It's not a prank.
It's a crime.
We stole police bikes.
From the police.
Okay, I'm sure
if we just take them back
And explain to the police,
they'll understand.
Oh, yeah, sure.
'cause if there's one thing
The lapd is famous for,
it's their understanding.
We could go to jail.
Cupcakes and the good wife
just weren't enough for you.
Don't put this on me.
You guys said you go drinking
all the time.
Clearly we were lying!
All right, all right.
Look, let's not point
fingers, all right?
We all know this
is lowell's fault.
What?
All right, look,
We need a game plan, all right?
We got to have these bikes
Out of here
before andi wakes up,
And the police station
is seven blocks away...
And?
Sorry. I thought
I was gonna throw up again.
We take
the bikes
Through side streets and alleys
yeah.
And we do what any responsible
adult would do...
Leave 'em at the police station
and run away.
Excuse me, miss, could you
go a little faster, please?
I'm trying not
to draw attention to us.
We're going so slow
my bike keeps tipping over.
Boy:
Cops!
What? What? Where?
Where are the cops?
It's us. We are the cops.
Bet you these are the kids
that egged mr. Kaplan's car.
I mean, sure, kaplan's
a douche, but still...
Hi, officers. We weren't
doing anything. I swear.
Actually we're not...
(american accent): We're not
gonna arrest you this time.
But we're gonna be watching you,
you little sons of bitches.
Now step away from that stuff!
Yeah. Or else we'll...
Shoot you.
What?
No, we're not
gonna shoot them.
But we will arrest you.
Please don't.
My parents will kill me.
Well, lucky for you,
we're feeling generous today.
We'll let you off
with just a warning.
Stay in school
and don't do drugs.
Now get out of here,
you little perps.
Go on. Get!
(all laughing)
That was awesome.
(australian accent):
Right?
How badass were we just then?
And you
with the american accent.
"perps"? Where'd you learn that?
Jules loves law & order.
Chung-chung.
Well, we had
our fun here.
I think we all know
what we need to do now.
(chamillionaire's "ridin'"
begins)
¶ they see me rollin' ¶
¶ they hatin', patrollin' ¶
¶ and tryin'
to catch me ridin' dirty ¶
¶ tryin' to catch me
ridin' dirty ¶
¶ tryin to catch me ridin'
dirty, tryin' to catch me ¶
¶ ridin' dirty, tryin'
to catch me ridin' dirty ¶
¶ my music so loud ¶
¶ I'm swangin', they hopin' ¶
¶ that they gon' catch me ridin'
dirty, tryin' to catch me ¶
¶ ridin' dirty, tryin'
to catch me ridin' dirty ¶
¶ tryin' to catch me ridin'
dirty, tryin' to catch me ¶
¶ ridin' dirty,
now would you think it so ¶
¶ I tried to let you go,
turn on my blinker light ¶
¶ and then I swang it slow
and they upset fo' sho... ¶
All right,
the wax is almost ready.
30 seconds
till the deforestation begins.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I mean, the best part
Of being married, you guys, is
that you get to let yourself go.
What about love,
companionship, intimacy?
(laughs)
(timer dings)
Anyway, you're not doing this
for bobby.
You're doing this for you.
And us. Seriously,
Going to the beach with you
is traumatizing.
Jules:
Andi,
You're gonna have to trim first.
Do you have scissors?
I do.
Okay, well,
Let's not set the
scissors up to fail.
Now go give that
kitty a crew cut.
Well, we cleaned up
the streets
Of this upper
middle-class neighborhood.
Maybe time
to return these bad boys.
One more lap?
Just to make sure
everything's safe.
To protect and serve.
(grunting)
boom!
All right.
(siren wailing)
Cops!
(wailing continues)
(whoops, wails, chirps)
(wails, whoops, wailing)
(wailing stops)
Hi, officers.
Yeah, I know
How this looks,
but, actually,
We can explain.
You see, last night...
I stole the bikes.
What?
Bob,
You're a dad and
you're a doctor, mate.
All right, you got
too much to lose.
Look, I got really drunk last
night. I made a stupid mistake.
My friends were just helping
me return the bikes. So...
If you're gonna arrest
anyone, it should be me.
Well, it seems like you feel
pretty bad about it. Uh...
How 'bout you take the bikes
back down to the station.
We'll, uh, forget
the whole thing.
Really? Officers,
Thank you so much.
This'll never happen again.
Thank you.
Thank you! Have a good day!
Think we should've told
'em we were strippers?
I'm hot.
Yes, exactly,
You're hot. That's why the world
gives you things.
No, I mean I'm physically warm.
And my eye is all itchy.
Andi:
Guys, the wax
isn't getting hard.
It's still
all sticky.
(thump)
What happened?
I knocked stuff
off the counter. Oh, no.
Now a toothbrush
is stuck on there.
Nope, got it off.
Don't tell will.
Well, the wax
should be hard by now.
Well, it's not. Can you read
the instructions, please?
Okay.
"apply wax to desired area."
It's all over
the desired area.
And it's dripping
into some very undesired areas.
"immediately use fabric strips
to remove."
There are
no fabric strips.
"fabric strips sold separately."
What? What'd you just say?
(quietly):
Get your stuff, get your stuff.
We're going.
Andi:
Guys? Guys?
Um, I think we have a problem.
Yeah, no kidding
we have a problem.
Guys?
No, no, no, no, no. I touched
the wax and then touched my eye,
And I think I'm having
an allergic reaction.
Does it look bad?
You know, I think the
swelling's going down.
Really?
No, your eye looks like
a sideways vagina.
Look, I'm sorry I didn't check
if the wax had paraben in it.
I can't keep track of
everything you're allergic to.
Paraben. Paraben is
the only thing I'm allergic to.
You know what?
I just want to get my benadryl
And my calamine
and my ice creams.
And I just want to go home.
(gasps)
I'm sorry, that is clearly
More than 12 items.
Oh, no, arthur, it's me.
The nice girl from yesterday.
I just, I had
an allergic reaction.
And I'm in a bit
of a rush, so...
Oh, interesting.
Anyone else here
in a bit of a rush?
Wait, I'm confused.
When she was in before, you
let her sail right through.
Hmm, I wonder
what's different?
Arthur.
You're not dissing me
because of this?
No.
I'm dissing you because
you have more than 12 items.
This... Is god's problem.
Oh, you know what, arthur?
Why don't you take
that smile raincoat
And shove it up your...
We're going.
They ran away.
They both ran away
and I had to deal with it.
I had to use one
of charlie's dinosaur toys
To scrape it off.
Well, why were you in that
situation in the first place?
Because I wanted to be
pretty down there.
What with all the vaginal glory
you stare at all day.
Oh, my god, is that what
this is about-- raquel?
I can't compete with playmates.
Ever since I had charlie,
whenever I sneeze,
A little pee comes out.
You don't have to compete.
No one's comparing
you to them but you.
Andi, I think you're the sexiest
woman in the whole world.
Really?
Yes.
And in my professional
and personal opinion,
Your vagina's perfect.
Thank you.
I love you.
I love you, too.
What?
Nothing.
Okay, the good wife
is fantastic.
Julianna margulies is strong,
yet she's so vulnerable.
Right?
She lights up the screen.
Cheers!
All: Cheers!
(doorbell rings)
Oh... Top off my pinot
for me, will you?
Hello?
Kid:
Eat it, you douche.
(splattering)
Kid 2:
Bulls-eye!
Those little sons of bitches.
You ate your sandwich,
My sandwich,
and bobby's sandwich.
Hey, I'm eating for two.
...Hundred people.
Lowell:
The waiters and I have
a bet going to see how much
You can put away.
See, a few of the guys
Thought you'd quit
after the yam fries.
But I know you better than that.
Attagirl.
And it's great to see you
feeding that baby
Growing inside you.
Yeah, great for you. We're
the ones that have to stop
At burger barn on the
way home for round two.
Classic bob. Always
quick with a quip.
I'm looking forward to more of
that fun banter tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night?
Tomorrow night's guy's night,
did you invite him?
Andi:
I did.
Wha... Why?
Every Friday night,
The girls and I do our thing
And you guys do your thing and
I feel like lowell's left out.
It'd be nice to include him.
What's the big deal?
The big deal is that
guy's night is for dudes.
Yeah.
Yeah, and lowell's
not really a dude.
He's got a penis;
how is he not a dude?
Yogurt panna cotta
with stewed rhubarb
Showered with pansies.
Boy, sometimes
you ask a question
And the universe
gives you an answer.
For the last time:
You have 13 items.
I have nine items.
Coffee, wine, pickles, bacon,
tampons, chocolate, onions,
Condoms and frosting.
You have five onions.
And I don't even want to count
how many condoms you have.
Yeah? Well,
I'm safe and popular,
So scan me through.
Hi... Arthur.
Hi.
Wha... You're
scanning her through?
What happened to
12 items or less?
It's like she's shopping
for a hurricane.
Oh, my god. Is this
an express lane?
I had no idea,
I am so sorry.
It's okay,
honest mistake.
Oh, I get it.
It's happening again.
What's happening again?
You're getting special
treatment 'cause you're hot.
(scoffs) excuse me?
You're hot. You're very hot,
you know you're hot.
That leads people
to give you things,
Because gorgeous people get
things that other people don't.
Okay, I am a little
hurt by that.
Oh, my god, do you need me
to call a manager?
Manager on register two,
manager on register two.
It's okay,
arthur, thank you.
Thank you,
I got this.
People are nice to me
Because I'm nice to them.
It's true, she's enchanting.
I hope you get demoted
to the regular lane.
(gasps) I cannot believe
you went there.
Hi, wanda.
Andi,
Look at you, you're glowing.
Oh, it's sweat.
I ate three burritos.
I got the meat sweats.
I'm disgusting. (chuckles)
No, you pregnant.
Hm.
Anyway, I'm surprising bobby
with lunch.
Will: All right,
Mrs. Gilbert needs
to come back in six
months. And tell her
I know those things aren't
getting up there by accident.
Hi, will.
Hey, andi.
(whispering): Who's that?
Oh, that's raquel.
She's gorgeous.
She's the playmate
of the year.
Oh, my god, you have
a playmate patient?
She's not my patient,
she's bobby's.
Oh, my god, for how long?
Couple years.
Oh, my god, what is she in for?
Just the standard vagina stuff.
Andi, what
a great surprise.
Raquel, I'm ready
for you.
You can go on inside and get
undressed, I'll be right in.
Thank you.
Whoa.
Somebody smells
like burritos.
I'll meet you
in the office after?
What are you doing?
Oh, just warming up my hands.
Like I said, when you're nice to
people, they're nice in return.
Try it and you'll see.
Fine,
I will be incredibly pleasant,
and because I'm not
All of that, it will not make
a bit of difference.
Hi, arthur.
Don't know if you remember me.
Oh, the tampon-onion-condom
lady.
Look, I-I think we got off
on the wrong foot yesterday,
And I want to apologize.
All right, I am listening.
I didn't mean to devalue you
or the rules of the supermarket.
And I like your vest.
The blue really
matches your eyes.
(chuckles) they're actually
green, but compliment taken.
Would you like
a mylar balloon
That we normally
only give to toddlers?
Oh, no, that's o...
Okay, thank you.
Well, a smile is the raincoat
you wear in the sunshine.
Wow, what a thing to say.
Would you care to donate
to children in need?
I would love to.
Great, just
enter the amount
You would care to
give on the keypad.
Okay.
Shoot, uh, I-I meant to press
five, but I punched in 50.
All right, $50 it is.
No-no-no.
No, I meant to press five,
So you just need
to give me back $45.
You want to take $45 away
from the children?
No, I'm not
taking anything away,
I never meant to give that much.
Have you
Seen these children?
Do you know what
they've been through?
They don't have a balloon.
They can have my balloon.
And I'll take my $45,
So just open the drawer
and give me the money.
Is this a robbery?
Yes, it's a robbery, you are
stealing my money...
Okay, we're leaving.
We're leaving.
I don't get it,
what did I do wrong?
You should have told me
you had a playmate patient.
I never discuss my patients.
Plus, I don't think
of her as a playmate.
I'm a gynecologist.
A vagina is a vagina
is a vagina.
Okay, but you look
at the magazine.
Well, yeah, that's
just me being a guy.
Okay, so which part of you is
the "gy," and which part
of you is the "necologist?"
Andi, this is crazy.
I'm a doctor.
What, are you gonna
have a problem
With every playmate
patient I have?
There are others?
Yeah, well, you get February,
February tells November,
November's like, "hey, October."
So how many are there?
I don't know... Six.
Six.
...Teen, 16.
16? There's only
12 months in the year.
Yeah, well,
sometimes it's twins.
So lowell is joining us
for guy's night.
Yeah, well,
You know, I thought about it,
and andi had a good point
About him being left out.
And she saw raquel.
Just trying to make
my life easier.
So, what's on tap
for tonight?
Oh, just a little
Something called
red velvet cupcakes!
Ah...
Cupcake, I cannot wait
to put you inside me.
Too far?
Oh, it's getting
ready to start.
Here we go.
All right.
G'day, lads!
Hey!
Hey!
Here we go.
Oh, I thought the girls
were out tonight.
They are.
Then what's with
the wine and the cupcakes?
And what are you
watching?
The good wife.
It's a good show.
What kind
of dude's night is this?
What are you gonna do later,
braid each other's hair
And cut pictures of boys
out of magazines?
First of all...
(chuckles)
This is a red
velvet cupcake
With buttercream
frosting.
And it pairs beautifully
with this pinot grigio.
What?
No, boys, come on.
I thought we'd
start drinking here,
Then we'd go
to a bar
And we'd drink
some more,
And then we'd come back here
And keep bloody drinking.
Duh.
I mean...
Of course.
You misunderstood us.
We-we like to start
with the cupcakes
To line our stomachs
for the bourbon
And-and
the whiskey.
Right.
Bourbon is whiskey, bob.
Obviously.
We're testing you.
Give me that.
There it is.
Oh...
Burns.
Burns...
Just admit I'm right
and you're wrong.
I was nice and he still
didn't ring me up.
Okay, you weren't nice.
You tried to steal money
from starving children.
I went through
this with arthur,
I went through this
with store security,
I'm not gonna go
through it with you.
You are never
gonna believe
Who bobby's
patient is.
Raquel pomplun,
playmate of the year.
No!
Really?
Yes. And not just her,
there are other playmates
And actresses
and, like, five supermodels.
(gasps)
Bobby's had his hands
on supervag?
I know.
This whole time I thought
that he was examining
Ordinary, run-of-the-mill
women all day.
I thought I was his supervag.
First of all,
bobby worships you.
Second of all,
a pretty face
Does not necessarily
mean a pretty vag.
It's true.
For all we know, this
one's is a horror show.
Okay, mine...
Is very pretty.
And nice.
But it's true.
Gorgeous women
can have gross ones,
And gross women
can have gorgeous ones.
Remember
suzette diprima?
Yes.
Stunning face.
They called her
flapjacks.
You know, because there
was sort of a...
Yes, we got it.
Thank you.
Maybe I'm just
getting in my head.
I'm sure mine is just as great
As bobby's gorgeous patients.
Well...
Eh...
What?
We've seen you
in the sauna.
And?
Let's just say
The garden's
gotten a little...
Overgrown.
Yeah.
When was the last time
you got a wax?
I don't know.
Who keeps track of these things?
Most women.
Forgive me if,
in my current state,
I don't want to get naked
in front of some stranger.
You don't have
to go to a stranger.
There are at-home
waxing kits.
Yeah.
I'll buy one
for you,
And you can hack
through it
In the privacy of
your own home.
I mean, really?
Do you want your baby
to enter the world
Through
that haystack?
(will groans)
I feel horrible.
(exhales)
Why is it so dark?
'cause your hand
is covering your face.
Rise and shine, boys.
Lowell, are you not hungover?
Oh, yeah, I've never been
in more pain in my life.
Pancakes?
Why are my underwear
in my pocket?
That's my underwear.
How do you reckon
we got back here?
'cause I don't remember anything
after bobby threw up
And we got kicked out
of that taxi.
I remember break-dancing
in the mall for money.
I remember bikes.
I remember bikes.
Did we buy bikes?
Did we steal bikes?
Not just any bikes.
Police bikes!
We stole police bikes!
From the police.
Oh, my god!
Shh!
(quietly):
Andi and charlie
are still sleeping.
And panicking
doesn't help anyone.
Who's panicking?
This is bloody awesome!
Nothing like a prank
to bring the boys together, eh?
It's not a prank.
It's a crime.
We stole police bikes.
From the police.
Okay, I'm sure
if we just take them back
And explain to the police,
they'll understand.
Oh, yeah, sure.
'cause if there's one thing
The lapd is famous for,
it's their understanding.
We could go to jail.
Cupcakes and the good wife
just weren't enough for you.
Don't put this on me.
You guys said you go drinking
all the time.
Clearly we were lying!
All right, all right.
Look, let's not point
fingers, all right?
We all know this
is lowell's fault.
What?
All right, look,
We need a game plan, all right?
We got to have these bikes
Out of here
before andi wakes up,
And the police station
is seven blocks away...
And?
Sorry. I thought
I was gonna throw up again.
We take
the bikes
Through side streets and alleys
yeah.
And we do what any responsible
adult would do...
Leave 'em at the police station
and run away.
Excuse me, miss, could you
go a little faster, please?
I'm trying not
to draw attention to us.
We're going so slow
my bike keeps tipping over.
Boy:
Cops!
What? What? Where?
Where are the cops?
It's us. We are the cops.
Bet you these are the kids
that egged mr. Kaplan's car.
I mean, sure, kaplan's
a douche, but still...
Hi, officers. We weren't
doing anything. I swear.
Actually we're not...
(american accent): We're not
gonna arrest you this time.
But we're gonna be watching you,
you little sons of bitches.
Now step away from that stuff!
Yeah. Or else we'll...
Shoot you.
What?
No, we're not
gonna shoot them.
But we will arrest you.
Please don't.
My parents will kill me.
Well, lucky for you,
we're feeling generous today.
We'll let you off
with just a warning.
Stay in school
and don't do drugs.
Now get out of here,
you little perps.
Go on. Get!
(all laughing)
That was awesome.
(australian accent):
Right?
How badass were we just then?
And you
with the american accent.
"perps"? Where'd you learn that?
Jules loves law & order.
Chung-chung.
Well, we had
our fun here.
I think we all know
what we need to do now.
(chamillionaire's "ridin'"
begins)
¶ they see me rollin' ¶
¶ they hatin', patrollin' ¶
¶ and tryin'
to catch me ridin' dirty ¶
¶ tryin' to catch me
ridin' dirty ¶
¶ tryin to catch me ridin'
dirty, tryin' to catch me ¶
¶ ridin' dirty, tryin'
to catch me ridin' dirty ¶
¶ my music so loud ¶
¶ I'm swangin', they hopin' ¶
¶ that they gon' catch me ridin'
dirty, tryin' to catch me ¶
¶ ridin' dirty, tryin'
to catch me ridin' dirty ¶
¶ tryin' to catch me ridin'
dirty, tryin' to catch me ¶
¶ ridin' dirty,
now would you think it so ¶
¶ I tried to let you go,
turn on my blinker light ¶
¶ and then I swang it slow
and they upset fo' sho... ¶
All right,
the wax is almost ready.
30 seconds
till the deforestation begins.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I mean, the best part
Of being married, you guys, is
that you get to let yourself go.
What about love,
companionship, intimacy?
(laughs)
(timer dings)
Anyway, you're not doing this
for bobby.
You're doing this for you.
And us. Seriously,
Going to the beach with you
is traumatizing.
Jules:
Andi,
You're gonna have to trim first.
Do you have scissors?
I do.
Okay, well,
Let's not set the
scissors up to fail.
Now go give that
kitty a crew cut.
Well, we cleaned up
the streets
Of this upper
middle-class neighborhood.
Maybe time
to return these bad boys.
One more lap?
Just to make sure
everything's safe.
To protect and serve.
(grunting)
boom!
All right.
(siren wailing)
Cops!
(wailing continues)
(whoops, wails, chirps)
(wails, whoops, wailing)
(wailing stops)
Hi, officers.
Yeah, I know
How this looks,
but, actually,
We can explain.
You see, last night...
I stole the bikes.
What?
Bob,
You're a dad and
you're a doctor, mate.
All right, you got
too much to lose.
Look, I got really drunk last
night. I made a stupid mistake.
My friends were just helping
me return the bikes. So...
If you're gonna arrest
anyone, it should be me.
Well, it seems like you feel
pretty bad about it. Uh...
How 'bout you take the bikes
back down to the station.
We'll, uh, forget
the whole thing.
Really? Officers,
Thank you so much.
This'll never happen again.
Thank you.
Thank you! Have a good day!
Think we should've told
'em we were strippers?
I'm hot.
Yes, exactly,
You're hot. That's why the world
gives you things.
No, I mean I'm physically warm.
And my eye is all itchy.
Andi:
Guys, the wax
isn't getting hard.
It's still
all sticky.
(thump)
What happened?
I knocked stuff
off the counter. Oh, no.
Now a toothbrush
is stuck on there.
Nope, got it off.
Don't tell will.
Well, the wax
should be hard by now.
Well, it's not. Can you read
the instructions, please?
Okay.
"apply wax to desired area."
It's all over
the desired area.
And it's dripping
into some very undesired areas.
"immediately use fabric strips
to remove."
There are
no fabric strips.
"fabric strips sold separately."
What? What'd you just say?
(quietly):
Get your stuff, get your stuff.
We're going.
Andi:
Guys? Guys?
Um, I think we have a problem.
Yeah, no kidding
we have a problem.
Guys?
No, no, no, no, no. I touched
the wax and then touched my eye,
And I think I'm having
an allergic reaction.
Does it look bad?
You know, I think the
swelling's going down.
Really?
No, your eye looks like
a sideways vagina.
Look, I'm sorry I didn't check
if the wax had paraben in it.
I can't keep track of
everything you're allergic to.
Paraben. Paraben is
the only thing I'm allergic to.
You know what?
I just want to get my benadryl
And my calamine
and my ice creams.
And I just want to go home.
(gasps)
I'm sorry, that is clearly
More than 12 items.
Oh, no, arthur, it's me.
The nice girl from yesterday.
I just, I had
an allergic reaction.
And I'm in a bit
of a rush, so...
Oh, interesting.
Anyone else here
in a bit of a rush?
Wait, I'm confused.
When she was in before, you
let her sail right through.
Hmm, I wonder
what's different?
Arthur.
You're not dissing me
because of this?
No.
I'm dissing you because
you have more than 12 items.
This... Is god's problem.
Oh, you know what, arthur?
Why don't you take
that smile raincoat
And shove it up your...
We're going.
They ran away.
They both ran away
and I had to deal with it.
I had to use one
of charlie's dinosaur toys
To scrape it off.
Well, why were you in that
situation in the first place?
Because I wanted to be
pretty down there.
What with all the vaginal glory
you stare at all day.
Oh, my god, is that what
this is about-- raquel?
I can't compete with playmates.
Ever since I had charlie,
whenever I sneeze,
A little pee comes out.
You don't have to compete.
No one's comparing
you to them but you.
Andi, I think you're the sexiest
woman in the whole world.
Really?
Yes.
And in my professional
and personal opinion,
Your vagina's perfect.
Thank you.
I love you.
I love you, too.
What?
Nothing.
Okay, the good wife
is fantastic.
Julianna margulies is strong,
yet she's so vulnerable.
Right?
She lights up the screen.
Cheers!
All: Cheers!
(doorbell rings)
Oh... Top off my pinot
for me, will you?
Hello?
Kid:
Eat it, you douche.
(splattering)
Kid 2:
Bulls-eye!
Those little sons of bitches.