Friends with Better Lives (2014): Season 1, Episode 3 - Game Sext Match - full transcript

This wine is amazing.

You were totally right.
Oh.

How do you know
so much about wine?

Well, I spent ten years
in an unhappy marriage.

That'll make a wine expert
out of anybody.
Ooh.

(giggles)

I want to get divorced.

(laughs)

Will:
And that's when it happened.

She touched your balls?

That is the greatest
first date story



I have ever heard
in my entire life.

Not counting, of course,

Going to the movies
with your parents.

'cause that was magical.

Wait, so this annika girl
just reached out

And grabbed your nuts?

I wouldn't say grabbed.

It was more like a...

A graze, you know, a nudge.

Well, was it a graze or a nudge?

Because there's
a very big difference.

Mm-hmm.

A nudge implies intent,

Whereas a graze...
Purely accidental.



It's tough to tell down there.

Every touch feels
like something special.

Graze, a nudge.

I'd just be happy if
somebody looked at it.

Happy now?

? ?

Well, it's official--
I'm screwed.

The gyno tennis classic
starts tomorrow.

And thanks to will's "tennis
elbow," I have no partner.

Hey, don't use air quotes.
That's a real thing.

I overexerted my elbow.

Yeah, by overexerting
my female fitness magazine.

Honey, you could be his partner.
Lowell used to play as a kid.

Oh, yeah, but I'm not
a gynecologist.

Although I am
a vagina enthusiast.

See, both guys don't need
to be an ob.

You'd be doing me
a huge favor, lowell.

Oh, bob, you know
I can't say no to you.

Of course I'm in!
Nice.

(cell phone chirps)

Ooh, it's from annika.

"thanks for the drink.

I had a lovely evening."

Aw.
Now, that

Is a class act.

(cell phone chirps)

And that is a picture
of a vagina.

(all gasp)

Who-ah, that's a hoo-ha!

Close up, fully shaved.

Imagination not required.

Look at that, it looks
like it's winking at you.

Will, if you really
like this girl,

There's only one way to respond.

Penis pic.

Oh, come on,
don't be ridiculous.

This is will;
he'd never do that.

Yeah, seriously,
he's so not that guy.

How do you know
I'm not that guy?

(stammers) I've been with
the same woman for 12 years.

We don't know who I am
as a single, dating person.

Yes, we do.
You're the guy who asks

The girl out
for a root beer float,

And then makes an oopsy
in his boxers

'cause he can't get her girdle

Off fast enough.

You are totally wrong about me.

I can be wild.

I could be adventurous.
I could be cool.

No, you can't.

Watch me.

I'm gonna go
photograph my privates.

(indistinct chatter)

(speaking indistinctly)

(cell phone ringing)

(gasps)

No.

No.
Don't you think?

All right.

No pressure.

Just keep the ball in play.
Okay.

Um, just to warn you,
when it comes to tennis,

I can get a little excitable.

That's fine,
just have fun, okay?
Okay.

Here we go.

All right.

Good luck.
Good luck.

(yells)

Ace! In your face!

You like my balls, old man?

Because you're gonna be
choking on them all day!

Hey, thanks for the invite, bob.

I'm gonna burn
your houses to the ground

And eat your children!

This is a lovely facility.

It is a tournament for
men who deliver babies

And one man who
threatens to eat them.

Lowell's
the greatest partner ever.

Hmm, you should try
having sex with him.

Well, let's see how
the tournament goes first.

(door opens)

(clears throat)

Oh, kate, hi.
We weren't expecting you.

Uh-huh, I know.

What'd you do for lunch today?

Oh, I didn't even have
a chance to eat.

I had to take charlie
to the pediatrician.

He, um... (clears throat)

He needed his shots.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.

What shots did he get?

Uh, measles, whooping cough,
rubella.

Wow, and what about you, jules?

I've already had all my shots.

You guys,
I saw you having lunch today.

And you declined my call!

Oh...

Don't exchange a look!
Just tell me what's going on!

Okay, the truth is, we were
planning jules' wedding,

And we just didn't think
that you'd...
You'd be into that.

And why wouldn't I be
into planning jules' wedding?

Uh...

We just didn't think you'd like
talking about wedding stuff.

Why? Because I'm single?

Because you pity me
and think I'm gonna die alone?

No...
Not for a very long time.

No.

Look, a lot
of little girls dream

About their wedding.

I dreamt of becoming
a successful businesswoman.

And I have.

Success has asked me
to marry him and I said yes.

And now we're raising
a beautiful 401k together.

So you don't have
to worry about me.

Well, in that case, will you
make us the happiest girls

In the world and join us for
a planning lunch tomorrow?

Yes, and I'm paying
for all of it.

The lunch, not the wedding.

I'm generous, not an idiot.

Well, the picture has been sent.

Bam, done, drop the mic,
walk away.

Nice, man.
Excellent.
Congratulations.

Surprised and delighted.
Right?

I think I struck
the perfect balance, too.

Cool, casual, relaxed.

Wait, how relaxed were you?

Fully relaxed.

Why?

Oh, my god.

Oh, will.

(chuckles)

What? I didn't want
to seem overeager.

Did you want to seem impotent?

Why didn't you say something?

We didn't think we'd have
to tell a grown man

Not to photograph
his flaccid penis.

(groans)

There's only one thing to do.
You got to take it again.

And this time

You got to get a little
more skin in the game.

Or you could give up
and admit you're not that guy.

No, I am that guy.
That guy is this guy.

I'm just working out
some of the kinks.
All right, good luck.

If you need a little help,
there's a new female fitness

In the guest bathroom.

Okay, so fill me in.

What kind of wedding
are we having?

Okay, well, lowell and I
both love the ocean.

So we were thinking
a beach wedding.

Malibu.

Love it. When are you thinking?

This summer.

So, you have all your permits?

We need permits?

Well, didn't your caterer
tell you that?

You don't have a caterer?

Well, at least tell me

You've petitioned the city
for temporary

Two-way access
for your deliveries.

We-we haven't exactly

Locked down all the details yet.

All these lunches
and you haven't

Figured out a single thing?

Hey, no, we figured out a lot.

We know that we don't want
lame bridesmaids dresses.

Or rain.

And I want to wear my hair up.

Unless it looks better down.

Right, but that's it?

That's all you've done?

Well, we've been busy
eating focaccia.

And worrying
that you'd catch us.

Maybe we could use some help.

Yeah, ironic
that you didn't include me,

And now you're begging
for my help.

Hey, I wouldn't exactly
say I'm begging...

Stop, you're
embarrassing yourself.

I'll do it.

(yelling)

Yes!
Come on!

We are going to the finals!

(both yell)

Yes! You are awesome.

I am so glad will has
masturbation elbow.

I know. Me, too, right?

And I've been waiting for
the right time to bring this up.

I got a name for us.

The racketeers.

I like it.

He likes it.

Good game, boys.

Good game.

Hey, I really want to apologize
for what I said before.

I'm sure your mom is lovely
and would never consent to that.

Good game.
Tough break.

See you next year.

(both grunt)

Man:
Hey, mcallister.

Looks like we're gonna be

Going up against you
in the finals.

Lowell, dr. Gunderson,

Dr. Adelman, they chair

The obstetrics board
at the hospital.

And we are the
undefeated champions.

For 12 years,
our office has been

Home to that
magnificent trophy.

You can't imagine what it's like
to cradle the golden vulva.

It's heavier than it looks.

Oh, well, with any luck,

Bobby and I'll be
taking it home tomorrow.

Well, we wish you good luck.

You know you can't
actually win, right?

Well, listen, not
to sound cocky,

But, um, I like our
chances this year.

Well, I-I guess it's possible.

Anything is possible.
You might win.

Tell him what else
is possible, abe.

Well, it's possible you could
end up doing deliveries

In o.R. 6 with the bad
lighting and the weird smell.

Or we could move your locker

Over by the medical waste chute.

Or maybe-- just maybe--

Your parking would
be shifted to p2.

Whoa, what are you saying?

That if we don't
throw this game,

You're gonna mess with
me at the hospital?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no.

We did not say that.

Those are your words.

But yes, yes,
that's it exactly.

Okay, so we're agreed.
Blush and pewter.

I'm checking off
the color scheme.

Wow, this is more

Than I've gotten done
in one day in my entire life.

I mean, for someone who never
dreamed about their wedding,

You are really good at this.

Well, I'm good at
everything, so...

Well, it-it-it was impressive

And everything,
but you chose a restaurant

That doesn't serve focaccia,
and that's just something

That we look forward to
in every meeting.

Ah, kate, jules, andi.

This is annika.

Oh, hi.
Hi.

Hey, it's nice to meet you guys.

Order me a salad?
I'm gonna run to the restroom.

All right.

You know, it's weird.

I don't know her last name,

And yet I've seen her vagina.

So I take it she liked
the second photo?

Oh, yeah.
Well, once she saw the before,

She was that much more impressed
with the after.

It told a story.

Oh.
Wow, will.

I am impressed.

Got to say, didn't think
you would pull this one off.

That's because
you underestimate me.

And lo and behold,
I proved you wrong.

Let me take a picture
of you being wrong.

Hello, this year's
christmas card.

(groans)

Did you know
this place was vegan?

Yeah. I figured we'd try
something light and refreshing.

I'm not really
that hungry.

Maybe we should just go back
to my place and have sex.

Sex is light and refreshing.
(chuckles)

Not the way I do it.

Okay.

(grunts)

Good shot, good shot.

I know it's hard for you,

But I really appreciate
you losing for me.

It's okay.

My serve!

Hey, I see a glimmer
of hope

In your eye,
dr. Mcallister,

And I'm gonna kill it
like a particularly
nasty yeast infection.

(both laugh)

That's a good one,
dr. Gunderson.

Tell him your put-down, abe.
Tell him your put-down.

Well, I was just telling
ed here

That your game reminds me
of a case of trichomoniasis

In an otherwise
healthy vagina.

(both laugh)

I had to agree!
It's true!

You guys are both hilarious
and a pleasure to park near.

Seriously?

(annika moaning)

Ah!

You're so hot.

Mmm, so are you.
You want to get dirty?

Yes, I do.

(both chuckle)

I want to do stuff
to you.

Oh, really?
What kind of stuff?

Uh, dirty stuff.

Like what?

Uh, my stuff's too dirty.
You go first.

(chuckles)

How about this?

(squeals)

Son of a...!

I... Love it!

Really, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

But I also like
being denied pleasure,

So, uh, don't do that again.

Ooh... Kinky.

Do you ever use

Props in the bedroom?

Sometimes I use
a lumbar pillow.

(laughs)
get naked and get on the bed.

(chuckles)

Ooh!

Come on, will, you got this.

You got this. You're that guy.

Are you allergic
to any sedatives?

Wha-what?

It's okay.
I took 'em all anyway.

Okay, now get undressed
and grab onto those bedposts.

I'm gonna tie you down.

Awesome.

People know where I am.

What?

Nothing. (chuckles)

Okay, item 43 on
today's agenda: Jazz band.

I don't really think
we need a jazz band.

Okay, let's compromise
on the jazz band

And just go with the
jazz band. Moving on.

It's just that it feels a little
formal for a beach wedding,

But as long as we those
wildflower centerpieces,

I'm okay with it.

Yeah, animals pee
on wildflowers, so, no.

She's doing it again.

Totally.
What?
What am I doing?

It's just that everything
always has to be your way.

For instance, you didn't need
to discontinue the focaccia.

I mean, look,

Andi and I may
not have been getting
a lot done,

But at least
we were having fun.

This isn't fun.

This is a wedding;
it's not supposed
to be fun!

I just feel like
with you in charge,

There's no way I'm going
to get what I want, okay?

Maybe we don't need
your help after all.

Whoa, wait, wait, wait.

You're firing me?

Well, technically,
I never actually ever hired you.

You just kind of took over.

Okay, in that case,
I quit!

Can't wait to come
to your wedding in 2087

When malibu is under six feet
of water

And we have a robot president!

I'd chase after her, but
it's-it's physically impossible.

Now I feel bad.
Do you think
she'll be okay?

Oh, she'll be fine.

Now let's go to a restaurant
that serves focaccia

And just get back into it.
Okay.

Oh, my gosh, this bridal
magazine is addressed to kate.

She has a subscription?

She is the little girl
who dreams of her wedding.

Oh, my god, we just crushed
a little girl's dreams.

And yet I still want focaccia.

(chuckles)

This is nice.

Christmas has always
been my favorite holiday.

I've been a naughty little girl.

And you're santa
and you've just locked up

The department store
for the night.

Wait-- am I santa or am I the
manager of the department store?

Shut up, slave!

(cat yowls)

Oh, my god, mr. Jojo,

Get away
from the window!

Oh, no!

Oh! Mr. Jojo is an indoor cat!

Why did you open the window?!

That's what requires
an explanation right now?

I'll be back.
Don't go anywhere.

I'd prefer if you
didn't go anywhere!

And yet, there you go.

(laughs)
nice play, mcallister.

Your game is

Wearing thin like the uterine
lining of a menopausal woman!

Yeah, that's thin!

Hey, olivia newton-john,

My dingo's gonna eat your baby.
(laughs)

That's not really
funny to us.

You know, I should
take it easy on this guy.

He's not even a doctor.
He works in a restaurant.

Hey, he owns
a restaurant.

And it happens to be one
that I'm starting to tolerate.

I bet he didn't even go
to college!

Okay, you know what?
That's enough!

Hey! You don't tell dr.
Gunderson when it's enough.

Dr. Gunderson tells you
when it's enough!

Bob, bob, it's fine, and it's
actually true, I didn't.

So let's just
lose and go home.

No. You know what? New plan.
We play to win.

Now hang on.
Is that wise?

I mean, what about
the work stuff?

And what about the
space for your car?

What about the space
for our friendship?!

We are mates,
aren't we?

We're more than mates.
We're racketeers.

Whew!

And if anybody's going home
with that trophy, it's us!

Unleash the beast.

This is the side of bobby
I like to see. Yes!

Have you two gentlemen
had lunch today?

Because you're about
to eat my balls!

? yeah, I got it la,
I got it la, I got it la-a-a ?

? I got it made, I got it made,
I got it ma-a-ade ?

? you know I will ?

? I got it la, I got it la-a-a ?
? stack a couple of mil ?

? I got it made,
I got it ma-a-ade ?

? then sit back and just chill ?
? I got the qua,
I got the qua-a-a ?

? I'm gettin' paid, I'm gettin'
paid, I'm gettin' pa-a-aid. ?

(grunts)

(cat yowls)

Mr., mr. Jojo, you're back.

Which means annika's gonna be
looking for you forever.

(phone chirps)

Call bobby.

Calling mommy.

No, no, not mommy,
not mommy, no!

Will, so good to hear from you!
How are you?!

Mom, I-I need you to call bobby.

Hold on. Your father's yelling
something.

I can't hear a thing.

Mom, I need you to focus
and call bobby.

Why don't you take this
treadmill back? We never use it.

Hey, willy.
It's your father.

Hank, I'm talking!

I have a facebook
question.

It says I should update
internet explorer.

Do I need that?

Dad, now is not the time.

I need you to call bobby
and tell him...

Oh, sorry, son,
ncis is starting.

We'll call you back.

No, don't hang up,
don't hang up! No!

Da...
(line clicks)

(sighs)

This could not get any worse.

(cat yowls)

What are you looking at?

No, mr. Jojo, no!

Okay, open your eyes.

What is this?

Are we crashing
someone's wedding?

Yes. Yours.

Well, the one that
you'll eventually have.

What?

Yes, everything that you were
pushing on jules:

The city views, the jazz band,
the communal table,

Were really actually things
that you wanted.

Oh, what in god's name
would make you think that?

We know that you subscribe
to bridal magazines.

Oh, okay.
So there's no denying it.

That is unfortunate.

No, it's not.
You're supposed to share

Your dreams
with your friends.

Okay, fine, I'll share.

I do want what you guys have,

Okay?

Can I jump off this roof now?

Kate, you're gonna have
a wedding.

And it's gonna be
beautiful.

Yeah, but I don't even have...

I don't know if I'll ever...

You will.

So don't give up on it,
because we haven't.

I love you guys.

I can't believe

You went to all this trouble
and spent all this money.

Actually, we used
your credit card.

It may not work
tomorrow.

Please tell me I bought booze
for my fake wedding.

(grunts loudly)

God, what is she, a sailor?!
Who ties knots like this?

Oh!

Thank god!
I called you guys,

Like, 15 times. Doesn't anybody
check their messages?

What... Is... Happening?

It's called modern dating.

And I hate it.

Some of these lights
aren't working.
Hmm.

I wonder which one
is the problem.
Yeah.

Seriously?

Well, look on
the bright side,

Now you've proven
that you're that guy.

Thank you. And thank you

For not humiliating me
by calling...

Well, well, well.

All right, how many you got?

(sighs)

Looks like christmas came early
this year.

O come all ye faithful.

Did you go down her chimney?
Did she go up your chimney?

Where'd your
ho-ho-ho go?

Look, it's rudolph
the blue-balled reindeer. Six.

You done?

As soon as I get my christmas
card, so get in there.

What a great idea.
Wait a minute, hey.

Guys, no, not...

And smile.