Friends with Better Lives (2014): Season 1, Episode 2 - Window Pain - full transcript

I have good news
for the women of los angeles.

Dr. Will stokes...

Back on the market.

I thought I heard rain.

But it must've been the sound
of panties dropping.

It's been four months
to the day

Since I signed
my divorce papers,

And I have decided

To dive back in.

Awesome!
Good for you.
Congratulations.

I feel like I've aged



In my oak barrel long enough.

I think it's time to uncork

This bottle of will.

"bottle of will." uh-huh.

When was the last time you asked
a woman out on a date?

Uh, 1998.

Okay, well,
I don't foresee any problems.

Actually, kate, we were quite
the dating duo in college.

They used to call us
pippen and jordan.

No, we were more like,
uh, kobe and shaq.

Yeah, okay, I get it.
You were two overgrown men

Who liked to play
with your balls.

Look, you're gonna
need some help,

So we'll go to a bar together.



I'll help you talk to girls.

I don't need your help.

You do, and lucky for you,

I've got some free time.

I'm gonna make you
my next project.

Kate, I can meet women
on my own.

I'm a 35-year-old single doctor.

I mean,
women will-will come to me

Like moths to a... Doctor.

I think this ends
with you crying

In the shower
while masturbating.

Okay, pepperoni pizza
for everyone.

All right.

Except for jules and lowell,

Who get meat-free,
cheese-free,

Fun-free soy lover's pizza.

Ah, thank you.

Why don't you just eat the box?

Well, I'm just gonna
grab a drink.

Let me smell your meat.

Jules, please.

My wife is sitting
three feet away.

(baby crying)

That's me.

Jules, why don't you
just have a slice?

Because lowell and I
are vegetarians.

I just like the smell of meat.

Oh, my god...

You weren't a vegetarian

Before you met lowell.

You know, you always do this.

Do what?

Turn into your boyfriend.

Oh, that is ridiculous.

Name one time that I did that.

Uh, when you dated that canadian
and started saying "aboot."

Or when you dated
the british guy

And you started
a soccer riot.
Uh-huh.

Or when you dated that pothead
and all you did

Was eat hot pockets
and not follow conversations.

Okay, so-so I'm open
to learning new things.

Lowell is turning me on
to a healthier lifestyle

And I like that.
Babe, look,

Kombucha for two.

What exactly is kombucha?

Uh, it's just a tea made
with a symbiotic culture

Of bacteria and yeast that grows
a delicious drinkable fungus.

Oh, my god, it started.
I can smell everything.

That pizza smells gross.

That diarrhea
you're drinking smells gross.

And, bobby,

You smell really, really gross.

No, he doesn't.

He smells like cinnamon.

Oh, boy. It's back.

What's back?

The super smell phase.

Her pregnancy hormones
have kicked in.

Now she can
smell everything.

Which one of you dudes went
to a strip club today?

I like looking at dongs.

I see you're checking out
the uniekaas robusto.

What?

It's an aged goat cheese
with a nutty flavor.

Pairs nicely with a pinot noir.

Do you work here?

No, I'm just a lover of cheese.

And women.

Can I start over?

Hi.
Hi.

Allow me to begin by saying
I'm a fellow shopper

And a bit of a foodie.

Might I recommend
the chabichou?

It's a creamy
natural-rind cheese

That pairs beautifully
with a chenin blanc.

Why are you telling me this?

I'm a doctor.

Why are you telling me this,
doctor?

(chuckles) why is it so hard
to meet people?

Hi, I'm a wealthy doctor.

(chuckling):
Well, not-not wealthy.

I mean, comfortable.

Yeah. My wife left me so I'm-I'm
staying with some friends,

Which is really
what I need right now.

You know, I'm...
I'm healing.

Bottom line, I am

Looking to meet a nice girl
in the cheese section.

Sometimes I talk too
much when I'm nervous.

Like now.

And now.

And just then.

So I said to my assistant, if
you're gonna have a c-section,

Have it on the weekend,
you know what I mean?

(inhales deeply)
thank you.

You, uh... You want a bite?

I won't tell anyone.

(chuckles)
I really shouldn't.

Maybe just a little one.
Yeah.

Just...

Yeah.

(moans)

(moans)
that is so freakin' good.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you can have
another bite if you w... Oh.
Mmm.

(moaning)

? ?

(moaning)

(moaning)

I think that burger
might be enjoying this

As much as you are.

Maybe more.

Anybody want to order food
from poquito mas?

Hey, uh, my restaurant's
still open.

Anybody want to order food
from poquito mas?

I'm not hungry because
I ate a big giant salad.

Sunflower seeds
and garbanzo beans

And super yummy
alfalfa sprouts...

You're overcorrecting.
Shut it down.

I'm good.

(chuckles)

So, uh, kate,

I was thinking
maybe you and I could, uh,

Go to a bar this weekend.

You know, just for fun.

Hmm. Interesting.

What?

I thought dr. Stokes
had it covered.

Thought he was gonna
uncork himself

All over the ladies
of los angeles.

That is all... In process.

I just thought, in the meantime,
it would be fun to hang

With one of my closest friends.

And, yet, what I'm hearing is,

"please, please, please help me.

I'm a loser."

All right, look, maybe I could
use a wingman, all right?

I mean, red here used to be my
wingman but he's out of the game

And even when he was in the
game, he didn't have much game.

What are you talking about?

I used to do my magic tricks
for chicks at bars.

They loved it.

What's that
behind your ear?

Oh, it's my phone number.

Wow.

And you're married.

Okay, you know what?

Congratulations-- you're
officially my project.

Never wear that shirt again.

This shirt is very this season.

You look like the end
of a roll of scotch tape.

Okay, I smell bacon.

And not just bacon

But a bacon cheeseburger,

Possibly a double.

Ugh! Which one of you

Had a big, gross
bacon cheeseburger?

(everyone murmuring denial)

Okay, one of you did.

(sniffs)

Oh, no. I was wrong.

No burger here.

It couldn't have been jules.
Uh, she's a vegetarian.

Right, jules?

Okay, it was me!

I ate a burger.

With bacon.

And I loved it.

All right, I don't want
to make a scene...

But my world
has just been rocked.

I am sorry.

I love meat.

I love it so freakin' hard.

It's not that you ate the meat.

It's that you lied.

You're right. I'm really sorry.

I receive that.

(exhales)

Okay.

From now on,
let's just be

Completely honest
with each other.

Absolutely.
(exhales)

Oh, it's our first fight.

I know. It was touch and go
there for a while,

But we made it
through, baby.

Bobby.

Bobby, come here.
What's up?

I have entered a new phase.

What is it?

The super horny...

"I want you to do me
right now" phase.

That is new.

I like it.

So, get rid of everyone,

Meet me upstairs,
I'll get started?

Yeah, but how you gonna
get started with...

Oh...

Yes.

Okay.
(chuckles)

Everyone get the hell out.

Now.

Let's go.

Okay, a woman decides
if she wants to sleep with you

In the first five seconds.

Whatever you say in that first
moment clinches the deal.

I'll lead, you follow.

See her?

Catch her beer.

Oh, my gosh.

Thanks.

Thank you.
(chuckles)

For what?

For...

Uh, being alone in a bar.

Have you ever been married?
I've been married.

Um, I'm gonna go find
my friends.

I thought you were alone.

I am.

Wow. That was like watching
a gazelle eat a lion.

Don't blame me, okay?
You freaked me out

With the whole first
five seconds thing.

Okay, okay, I'll start
the conversation this time.

Let's try again with fake boobs

Over here, okay?
Hopefully,

Her low self-esteem
will cloud her judgment.

Hey, love your shoes.

Oh, thanks!

This is my friend, will.

He's a doctor.

Really? That's cool.

It is cool.

Uh, this one time in med school,
my, uh, my buddies and I--

We took a liver from a cadaver,

And we... And we threw it
off the roof.

(laughing):
It was...

That's disgusting.

(laughing)

How can I be
so bad at this?

Uh, well, you got
married young,

You never really
dated as an adult,

And I've seen your
high school yearbook.

Nobody was
touching you then.

Kate, I'm all up in my head!

Okay, new strategy.

You say as little
as possible,

I'll get you laid.

I like it.
That-that makes a lot of...

Too much.

(clearing her throat)

Hi. I'm kate.

You're obviously
the hottest girl in here,

And my friend will
is pretty much the cutest guy,

So I figured
I'd introduce you two.

I'm jess.

Speak. Speak now.

I am will.

I hail from...

Three beers. Go.

(clearing her throat)

He's a man of few words,
but check out that ass.

It's like those butt cheeks are
storing nuts for the winter.

(laughing)

You didn't have
to sell me on him.

I knew in the
first five seconds.

I like you.

You remind me of myself.

Except you have
those amazing eyes.

You suddenly seem
smarter to me.

Okay, I'm going to go
to the ladies' room.

(whispering):
Man... Of... Few... Words.

So...

So...

You're shy.

Shy.

That's sweet.

And your friend's great,
stepping up for you like that.

Friend.

This might be the
tequila talking,

But should we just
get out of here?

Great. Get your friend.

Uh... Why?

Because I'm into
both of you.

Pardon?

I want to have sex
with both of you.

(laughs)

Yeah, I don't...
I don't think that's gonna...

Okay, then, the three of us.

Sounds good.
Sounds like a plan.

Hi.

Whoa. Oh, my god.

How did you strike out again?

I set you up perfectly.

What, do I need to take
her clothes off for you, too?

Uh, I didn't strike
out, actually.

She wants me to
go home with her.

Oh, great. Good-bye. Uncork.

Uh, uh, no, no, not...

Not-not good-bye,
uh, because...

Because you drove me here.

And we can't let jess drive
because she's already had a few.

And I'm pretty sure she
wants to have two more.

(sighs):
Oh.

Fine. I am such a good friend.

It's like there's nothing
I won't do.

That's what I'm hoping.

(passionate gasping, panting)

Oh, my god.

That was amazing.
(laughs)

I feel like I could sleep
for 12 hours.

What do you mean,
go to sleep?

I want to do it again.

But didn't you just
have a massive...?

Yeah! Why would
I want to stop?

Well, honey, it's just,

It's been a couple of nights of
this marathon sex, and I, uh...

I need a breather.

Or an ice pack.

You'll stop when I
tell you to stop.

I know you're a man of
few words, but don't worry.

Tonight, you won't be using
your mouth for talking.

That makes me want
to raise my eyebrow like this.

Thanks for letting me
use your bathroom.

Stay.

What? Why?

(sexy music playing)

Look, the truth is, on my own,
I struck out non-stop.

Okay, clearly,
you're my good luck charm.

My rabbit's foot.

And I honestly think
for this to happen,

We're gonna have
to rub your fur a little bit.

Please?

Well, I don't like leaving
projects unfinished.

Great! I'm gonna
go get some wine.

Hey.

Hey. So, um, just so you know,
will's a little nervous.

So I hope you don't think
it's too forward,

But I think
you should make the first move.

My pleasure.

Great. So, just
make it happen...

(laughs)

Be right back.

We have a problem.

Turns out,
I am too good at this.

She doesn't want you,
she wants me!

She just kissed me!

Yeah, about that.

Uh, she's looking
for a two-fer.

I don't... (gasps)

And you knew?!
That's the whole reason

You got me
to come back here, isn't it?!

Come on, kate, I'm asking
you for one little favor.

Remember the time I drove
you to the airport?

How is this the same?

It was rush hour.

(scoffs)

You can not seriously
expect me to do this.

I'm just asking you to play
along for a little bit.

A little ear nibbling, a little
under-the-shirt, over-the-bra.

Pg-13.

And then, you go to the
bathroom or whatever,

And then, 20 minutes, I'm done,
dressed and ready to go.

What a lucky girl.

Forget it.

I've only ever
slept with val!

What?!

I've only slept with one
person my entire life, okay?

How is that even possible?

We met when I was 19.

Got engaged at 21, and got
divorced four months ago.

Oh, my god, yes, this is all
starting to make sense.

The-the lack of game,

The pathetic blend
of awkwardness and urgency.

You're an almost-virgin.

I am.

Okay, I am that.

So, please, help little will
make a second friend.

Fine. I'll do it.

You will?!
I can't believe

I'm saying this, but yes.

It's an important step for you.

And, you know, it can't be
any worse than that time

I accidentally had sex
with my cousin.

Awesome! That's the
attitude I'm looking for!

But my clothes stay on.

Also, I'm upstairs,
you're downstairs,

And never the twain shall meet.

She's not gonna be
focusing on you anyway.

What? Why?

'cause, obviously,

You're the appetizer,
I'm the entree.

(laughing):
Okay.

The appetizer.

Oh...

Bobby: Oh, my god,
I'm having a real orgasm.

Wow!

Good night.

You just faked an orgasm.

What?
Yeah.

Those are the sounds
of my passion.

And I am hurt and offended
that you would mock them.

I've been with
you for ten years.

I've never once heard
you make that noise.

What kind of a man
fakes an orgasm?

A man who's tired.

Who's been wrung dry.

I just can't do it anymore.

Oh. It's okay, I get it.

I'm not, you know, that
appealing in my current state.

What are you talking about?

I understand why you wouldn't
want to have sex with me.

I'm like a big,
giant pregnant woman.

One of my boobs is
bigger than your head.

Honey, you are
absolutely gorgeous.

No, I'm not. I'm huge.

I look like a sea lion
with lipstick.

Andi, every time
you smile at me,

I have to pinch myself
that you chose me.

Really?
Yes.

I just can't have sex
a million times in three days.

I literally
have nothing left.

I tried to cry in the middle,
and no tears came out.

Do you want to maybe-- I don't
know-- cuddle or something?

Nothing would make me happier.

(laughing):
Okay.

(both sigh contentedly)

(sighs)

You know what? I'm gonna
go sit on the dryer.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Can I ask you
a question?

Which one of us were you
attracted to initially?

Like, if we
were a meal,

Which one of us
would you eat first?

I don't know.

There is something about
the sensual softness of a woman.

Oh. Okay.

(quietly):
Ha, ha.

Excuse me? Excuse me?

Yeah, uh, softness
is-is one thing,

But-but feel
these abs, huh?

How'd you like
to crack open this six pack?

I have great boobs.

I have an ass
of steel.
I'm bendy.

I will do some seriously
messed-up stuff.

I have no
self-respect.

I have the penis. Touchdown!

Wow.

The sexual tension
between you guys is amazing.

I'd really like
to see you two kiss.

Yeah, we're out.
That just ruined it.

Okay.

I've had 24 hours.

I'm replenished, refreshed
and ready to go.

I don't think
that's gonna happen.

I've, uh... I've
entered a new...

(belches loudly)

...Phase.

But the fact that
you still want me--

It makes me feel very
good about myself.

I love you.

I'm gonna fart.

Okay.