Friends with Benefits (2011): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Benefit of Keeping Your Ego in Check - full transcript

I have an announcement
to make.

I made a friend at work
who is a girl,

and I don't want
to sleep with her.

Let me guess.
She's a beast.

Hey. That's my friend
you're talking about.

And she happens to
be a very nice girl.

Oop! Do-nut touch that.

It's mine.

Well, I do éclair.

So if she looked
like Zooey Deschanel,

you'd still just want
to be friends with her?



Um, that's not fair.

You know I love
all the Deschanels.

Besides, if you
worked with Zooey,

you would try to hit that.

Oh, I'd hit that.

I'd destroy that.

And I'd watch that.

And now I forgot
what we're fighting about.

We were talking about how you
should win a nobel peace prize

for being friends
with a not-so-pretty girl.

Okay, how many ugly guy
friends do you have?

Um, hello? Leonard is one
of my best friends,

and when you look at him,
you want to throw up.

Fine. You're the Mother Teresa
of ugly people. Congrats.



Hey, hey, hey.

You two need
to squash the beef.

We need to what?

You are having a beef,
and you need to squash it.

It's a saying, man.
Like "Bury the hatchet."

Okay, okay.

Riley, I accept your apology.

Jackass.

Squash the beef. Yeah.

I definitely need to work
that into the rotation.

No, you don't, man.
You are terrible with sayings.

You always mess them up.

I saw you sitting here alone

and I said to myself,

"Ben, that girl is way
too beautiful to be alone.

I need to go nip that
in the butt."

Well, you know what they say,

"The early bird
catches the sperm."

Well, as I always say,

"A bird in the hand is worth
two hands in the bush."

Firends With Benefits; Season 01, Episode 06
The Benefit of Keeping Your Ego In Check
August 19, 2011

"Squash the beef."
It's Ben-proof.

I mean, how can I
screw that up? Come on.

Hey, speaking of screwing,

you would not believe
how hot my new chick is.

Really? Man, we are talking

"Ben would
never be friends with her" hot.

Hey! Yeah, you're right.

Not only have we had the best
sex of my entire life...

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

I know.

I can actually see myself
getting serious with her.

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

I know.

But here's the dilemma.

She's going to Peru
for three weeks

and we haven't had
the DTR talk yet.

Oh, she wants to put stuff
on your TiVo?

Hate that.

DTR is "define
the relationship."

Oh.

There's a monster party
tomorrow night.

We're talking muchas females

and I just want to have
one last big blowout

before I settle down
with Lauren.

Well, what makes you think
she wants to be monogamous?

Well, I dropped her off at the
airport this morning, Riley,

and, uh, well...

So, there's something
I've been meaning to ask you.

Of course I'm gonna
miss you, baby.

You're so sweet.

I was thinking about us,
and maybe we should...

Take a trip together
when you get back.

You know, I was thinking
the same exact thing.

Go somewhere warm,
sit on the beach,

talk it all out.

Right after you get back.

But maybe we should
talk about...

Talk about
destinations. I know.

Hmm. The South pacific,
Caribbean...

Oh! I got it.

We could RV through
all the national parks.

Boom, done.

I was actually talking
about how you and I should ...

Airport tickets, the worst.
I know.

You take care now, okay?

- Mmm.
- Okay.

That horn blow
was a gift from the gods.

So...

For now, I'm a free man.

Yeah!

Gentlemen, watch your ladies.

Ay-oh!

Lights off.

Tv off.

Blender off.

Music off.

Why are you doing this to me?

I'm trying to get this place
to recognize my voice.

It's gonna be a huge time-saver.

How long you been working on it?

Tuesday will be a year.

Hey. So, um,

what are you doing on Saturday?

I need a "rich friend" favor.

A "handsome rich friend" favor.

The hospital's having this
bachelorette charity auction

and this really geeky guy
thinks he's going

to win a date with me.

Hey, Sara.

Hmm.

See you at the auction.

I've been saving up.

To bid.

To bid on you.

I don't know if I
made that clear.

I'm Kyle. I work here.

I know that.

You have to come outbid him.

I mean, you'd be donating
to a great cause.

The "Save Sara from another
awkward date" foundation.

And you'd be helping
sick kids. Of course.

I am a huge fan of sick kids.

Helping kids
with sickness, not...

As long as they're
not contagious.

They're not going
to be there, are they?

Aaron, you're a real life saver.

Are you saying that without me
you would be... toast?

I said, "toast."

Oh! Got it.

Cool.
There it is.

Oh...

No, this time, it's my turn.

Uh, the time before last time
was your turn.

You know what?
It's getting to be

like every other time
is your turn.

Oh, you want a war, blondie?

Take your best shot. B

okay, all right. Fine.

You know what? Take it.

But only if you agree that
we stop this petty bickering

and we bury the beef.

Excuse me?

Bury the beef.

I want to bury
the beef with you.

Are you saying what I think
you're saying?

Oh, yeah. So, we can
either bury the beef now

or we can bury the beef
later in your cubicle.

One way or another, this
beef's getting buried.

I'm not hungry anymore.

Oopsies.

Mmm.

All right.
No matter what happens,

you have to outbid Kyle.

How high can you go?

12 million.
I don't know.

You look really
handsome tonight.

Really?

Oh...

Oh, my God.
Oh...

I'm sorry.
Just quit it.

Oh...

I'm sorry.

Amanda. Yo, it's big Ben.

Hey, uh, we got some beef
to bury.

Don't make me follow you out to
the parking garage after work.

Seriously, call me.

Ben Lewis?

Only if you're nasty.

I'm Wes, from Human Resources.

Hey. What can I do ya for?

"Do me" for?

Actually, I'm here
to let you know

that a complaint has been filed

against you for
sexual harassment.

What?!

Apparently, you made some

inappropriate remarks to
Amanda Stevenson earlier today.

What? What did I say?

You asked her to...

"Bury the beef with you."

Yeah, of course,
we gotta bury the beef.

I mean, if you have beef,
you got to bury it, right?

We're setting up a formal
meeting with HR this week.

Just wanted to give you
the official heads-up.

This is insane.
I mean, you know what,

this must be some kind
of misunderstanding.

Man, maybe the beef
was bigger than I thought.

Maybe you could
help me bury it with her.

I'll see you Thursday.

♪ ♪

This next Bachelorette
will have no problem

finding your main vein.

- Can I get a bid for nurse Wendy?
- Hi, um...

Can I get one of the, uh...

Things I had before.

A wine cooler, sir?

What? Yes, one of those.

Thank you.

Can I get a wine
cooler, barkeep?

We have $200 in the back.
Thank you, sir.

I like your shirt, man.

I mean, right?

Pluto weighs
28 sextillion pounds.

They're gonna downgrade it?

You should have
to try to lift something

before you downgrade it.

Just as long as you
take into account...

Atmospheric pressure! I was
just about to say that.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Cool.

This party is bananas.

Am I crazy or is
that Moby bartending?

Oh, I am so glad that I
avoided that talk with Lauren.

Oh! Now I can go out of
singledom with a bang.

Maybe even two.
Mmm.

Body shots.

Hello.

Good-bye.

Whoo!

Hey, Riley.

I got a text from Lauren.

Am I behaving?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

She thinks we're in
a monogamous relationship.

She said she found a
fossil that looks like me.

So? Just don't tell her
about this party.

Well, people are posting
pictures already. Look.

Hey! I'm in that one.

I look hot.

Okay, okay. If I can
find everybody here

who posted a picture of me,

and get them to take it
down, I'll be golden.

It'll be like this night
never even happened.

How the hell are you going
to track down every person...

Is there a Dave Hall here?

Dave Hall?

Don't you wish that the
universe was configured

so that nice guys could
finish first instead of last?

I know, right?
God forbid a girl date

a smart, caring guy who happens

to enjoy
a little Sci-Fi fantasy.

Yeah. It's like they're too
afraid of the "n" word.

- Nerd.
- Nerd.

You have any idea
how many times

I have been rejected
by a pretty girl?

Thirty-one?

Exactly 31.

Whoa!

Okay, up next is the lovely

Dr. Sara.

That's right, gentlemen.

She can cure you
of your loneliness.

$500.

Our highest opening
bid of the night.

$600.

$1,000.

What are you doing, pal?

I don't want
to come in last to you.

$1,100.

You're the guy...

$1,100 going once.

Come on, man. Please.

Going twice.

Too rich for my blood.

Sold to the man in
the pluto shirt.

Yeah!

I got every single photo
taken down except one.

But it is a doozy.

The dude in the front is Dean.

Now Dean works
at the Racine Coffee Shop

with a girl named Clarissa...

Who is in an "it's complicated"
with Charles...

Who belongs to a group called

"let's get this pickle
more fans than Nickelback."

And guess who the moderator
of that group is?

Lauren.

And when she logs
in, she's going

to see you
shoulder-deep in boobage.

Yeah, somebody got to go down

to that Racine Coffee Shop
first thing tomorrow.

Why don't you
just go right now?

I can't have coffee now.
I'll be up all night.

I'm being accused
of sexual harassment.

Been there, done that.
Who fingered you?

Amanda, that girl I was telling
you about. Can you believe it?

I mean, if I'm going
to sexually harass someone...

Which I didn't...

It wouldn't be her.

We were having
a playful argument.

I said we should bury the beef.

Why would you
say that? What?

You mean "squash the beef"?

Oh, my gosh.
Why did I think it was "bury"?

I warned you.

Everybody knows
you are bad at sayings.

I got to go talk to Amanda.

I mean, if I can't convince her

that I made a mistake,
then my moose is cooked.

You just let me be bought by a
guy with a planet on his shirt.

Well, it's actually
a former planet.

Not what you want
to argue about right now.

Okay, look,
Kyle's a really nice guy.

I think you should
give him a chance.

He's a total dweeb.

I am a total dweeb.

Do you think that girls
should not date me?

Uh, well... damn it.

Fine, but I am not going out
with him alone.

You're meeting us there.

That makes absolutely no sense.

We should all
just drive together.

Dean, my main man.

Do I know you?

No, you don't, but, um...

Check this out.

You were at that party?

Wasn't that awesome?

Yes, man, it... it was a time.

But, listen, I'm in a little bit
of a jam here. You see,

you posted that photo
to the Internet,

and I recently have found myself
in a monogamous relationship,

and not with the young lady

whose breasts
my head is betwixt.

Wow. That sucks.

I... I'd be happy
to take it down.

Great.

Except for the fact

that it's pretty much

the ultimate moment
of my entire life.

I... I work at a coffee shop,
and I'm studying dentistry.

I mean, that picture
is quite likely my peak.

Come on, man.

Now I am really
in a bind here, okay?

This girl means a lot to me.

Again, again, Dean,
not the girl in the photo.

Man, I would love
to help you out,

but that picture's too
important to me. Sorry.

Dean, Dean, Dean, can you
at least just crop me out of it?

Uh, I feel like
if I start messing with it,

then, you know...

Maybe we should look
at the menu.

Right. Good call.

Oh, Aaron.

What are you doing here?

Wow. What?

Oh, I was going to
have a fancy dinner

all by myself.

No. Join us.

I mean, if that's
okay with you, Kyle.

Well, I did pay...

Great. Pull up a chair.

Sure.
Oh, yeah.

The more the...

It's crazy, right?

Hey, Amanda, can I...
Can I talk to you for a second?

Um... I'm so sorry if you think I did
anything that was inappropriate.

Your fly's open.

Wow, that was bad timing.

Um...

Look, I-I said that we should
bury the beef because...

Please stop saying that.

Don't you think
it's a little ridiculous

that I would
sexually harass... you?

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you know, 'cause...

Well, you know, 'cause, uh,

you know, right, 'cause...

You know.

So when Superman
travels back in time,

he's traveling back in time,

but he's not making the entire
planet travel back in time.

You just made superman
even more interesting to me.

Of course, 'cause, you know,
the golden rule of time travel

is, there are no...

- Paradoxes.
- Paradoxes.

Oh, man! Oh!

You know, I loved
Kate & Leopold.

They traveled all over time.

"A century's worth
of differences

came crashing together."

That's an interesting
reference, Sara,

though I-I wouldn't call that
an authentic time travel film,

as it was filled
with temporal anomalies.

Speaking of temporal
anomalies, I have to pee.

Excuse me.

So she's great.

- Not feeling it.
- Really?

Uh-uh. I thought you had,
like, a huge crush on her.

I thought so, too, dude,
but did you see?

She didn't crack a smile when
I said my Prius runs on Tylium.

I mean, yeah, hello.

Battlestar! Ugh!

All right, I-I can't defend
a grown woman not knowing

that Tylium powers both
human and Cylon spacecraft.

- But I can say...
- I mean, look.

I don't want
to be a jerk or anything,

but if I can't shake her
by the end of dinner,

do you mind hanging with us?

Sure, yeah.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Miss me?

I'm actually
gonna pay the check.

You know what?

I'm glad I did this.

Kyle is a really nice guy,
and it's a great cause.

The only thing is... how
do I let him down easy?

Kyle doesn't like you.

- He doesn't like me?
- No.

In fact, while you were
in the bathroom,

he was trying to figure out
a way to nicely ditch you.

And I'm just making
the nicely part up.

This is what it's come to?

I can't even land a nerd?

You know what? No.

He does not get to
reject me, all right?

That's-that's not happening.
That's not how it works.

I reject him.

But he doesn't like you.

Yet.

We're going back to your place.

That's terrific.

Dean's not taking
that photo down.

Guess my relationship
with Lauren is over

before it even began.

Hey, look on the bright side.

She might not check her computer
for a while.

Hikers get lost
in Machu Picchu all the time.

I just got greedy.

You know, I thought
I'd have a little bit of fun

before I went on lockdown.

But haven't I suffered enough?

You talked to one guy
at a coffee shop.

Yeah, but that dude
was really annoying.

Oh, Sara, you-you got
to focus on those mobs!

And watch
your A.O.E.S.

You're pulling all the aggro.

What's an A.O.E.?

- Area Of Effect Spells!
- Area Of Effect Spells!

I've only told you,
like, six times.

I'm sorry. I'm not an expert
elf person thing.

You're not an elf.

You're a staff-wielding paladin.

What are you doing?
No, don't open that!

You're gonna...
You're gonna wipe!

You need to evocate right now!

I'm trying!
Oh!

I knew this
was a mistake!

You know what, Sara?

If you're tired,
maybe you should just

go home, and Aaron
and I will stay here

and clean up your mess.

Uh, okay, you know what,
big bang theory?

I am sick of this.

I am sick of this whole
stupid nerd resurgence.

Not you, Aaron.

I mean, since when

did being a nerd
become so damn cool?

Well, actually, it started...

Oh, zip it.

You bid on me, remember?

God! And I was even

nice to you during

that ridiculous conversation
at dinner.

Who asks you to play
bang-marry-kill,

and then gives you
Stephen Hawking

and Stan Lee
and C-3PO as choices?

Okay, Sara, I think
we are all a little testy

because you chose
to kill Stephen Hawking.

Yeah. Nerds are nerdy, not cool.

Again Aaron, not you.

But where are all the real guys?

You know, the grown men
talking about grown man things?

Do you mean like Han Solo?

No! No!

He flies around
in a fake spaceship

and plays with a gorilla.

That's it.

Get out!

With pleasure.

Aaron, you coming?

Stall the raid.

I'll be online in 15 minutes.

Door.

Bro!

Oh, no. Come on.

I meant to say
"squash the beef."

You didn't. You said...
I know what I said.

Look, Wes, come on.

Can I talk to you
guy-to-guy for a second?

This conversation
is being recorded.

Terrific. Look,
we're talking about Amanda, huh?

She's nice and everything,

but she's not winning
any beauty contests.

You know what I mean?

If you're going to sexually
harass someone... seriously?

Um...

From my cubicle alone,

I can hit five hotter girls

with this tape dispenser.

Right?

So, I'm fired.

Hey, at least you
weren't rejected

by the nerdiest guy in Chicago.

Is that really worse
than being fired?

Ben, let's be honest.

You hated that job.

And I'm very insecure.

It's true, I did hate that job.

And you know I always talk about
working in the music industry,

but I've never really done
anything to pursue it.

- Well, there you go.
- Yeah.

This could be the best thing
that's ever happened to you.

Yeah. Yeah, you know, this is...

This is exactly the thing
I needed to get my ass in gear.

Yeah, I'm gonna start tomorrow.

Beautiful.
What's your plan?

Well, for starters,
I'm gonna get a beard going.

So your plan is to
maybe do something

that will happen anyway
even if you do nothing?

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

Hey, what do you say
we bury the squash?

- Squash, huh?
- Yeah.

You must be feeling pretty
good about yourself.

I'm not taking it down, bro.

What if you could replace it with
something that's even better?

Not possible.

Dean's new profile pic
is a beaut.

Thanks Riley.

Hey, it looks like your girl
got tagged in some new photos.

Probably from her trip.

What the...

Can you believe her?

We practically agreed
to be monogamous.

Are those her...

I'm gonna miss those.