Friends with Benefits (2011): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Benefit of Forgetting - full transcript

Ben begins dating an amnesiac, Fitz decides to find his mother a female companion and Riley dates a man with an unusual obsession. Dave Foley guest stars.

Megan!

Megan Harriman!

Hey! Hey!

Hey, hey, hey!
Oh! Oh!

Sorry, sorry.

Megan!

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey! Megan! Megan!

Megan!

What.



Megan Harriman. Whoa!

Yeah, we dated
for a couple months,

then, all of a sudden,
boom, no texts,

no e-mails, wouldn't even
answer her door.

Now I run into her,

she gets in a cab
and drives off!

Maybe she really doesn't want
to talk to you.

Man, I gotta get to
the bottom of this!

Aaron,
find me Megan Harriman.

I'm cashing in
an e-wish.

A what now?

Aaron's got this computer thing.

That you can find
any human on earth,

but he'll only let each of us
use it three times.



Which is totally unfair
and arbitrary, by the way.

Well, it's not my fault
that you got drunk.

And blew all of yours on Spanish
tennis players.

Oh, my mom's here.

Come on, Aaron.
Let's hit it.

Ben can cash in
his e-wish later.

Okay, I'm nervous
that I'm not gonna remember.

The whole lesbian protocol.

I mean, I know that
they say "her-story."

Does that mean that something
is "her-storical"?

I mean, do they climb
the "her-malayas"

and sing "herms" in church?

I love lesbians.

I know.

Hey, Christmas at our house was
the best.

The Stellas would
come over with their dogs,

Aunt Julie and Aunt Jane
with their dogs,

and Grandma Althea
and her wife.

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year. ♪

I will never ever forget that
time when you all had

too much eggnog and ran out
into the snow naked.

And started making snow angels.

This is fun!
I'm so comfortable.

Mama, you had a
rockin' body back then.

Hey, I still do.

I've lost ten pounds
since last year.

You should see me naked.

- I would love to.
- Mmm.

I don't even think my mom
has a naked body.

Oh, man, but she did love
to cry in her room.

Anyway...

Mama, how are the ladies
treating you?

Not as good as you, I'm sure.

Well, are you,
are you seeing anybody?

Well, you know how it is.

I haven't seen my mom
this unhappy in all my life.

Did you see her face
when I mentioned women?

Yeah, definite shift.
You think she's lonely?

You, you think my
mom's lonely?

No, I thought that's

where you were gonna go,

so I was just gonna,
like, meet you there.

Man, I should've seen this.

You know, she hasn't dated
anybody since

she and mom broke up.

I know what to do.

Aaron, we gotta
get my mama some ass.

Call every middle-aged
lesbian you know.

Wow. What circles do you think
that I run in?

- Ooh!
- Hmm?

Whaddaya think?

What are we doin' here?

I have a date
with this hot eco guy.

You're doing fine up there.

Why are you stressing
about this?

I really like Derek,
and he's a hardcore breast man.

God, it must be nice
to find a guy

who knows what
to do with them.

Most of 'em are just squeezing
'em like they're produce or...

batting 'em like cat toys.

Or the old classic
"tuning in Tokyo."

Well, Derek's not like that.

He treats them
with incredible respect.

Like they're religious
artifacts.

Lucky.

Gotta go.

You might wanna tone down
your rhetoric.

When you're texting a doctor.

I deal with actual emergencies,
in case you forgot.

This is an emergency.

I used my last e-wish
to get a GPS lock.

On Megan's cell phone.

- Oh, that's creepy.
- It's super creepy.

Which is why I need you here.

You know, alone, it's stalking,

with a buddy, it's
like a fun stakeout.

- I'm not having fun.
- Yep, there's Megan.

Okay, come on.
Start jogging.

I'm in jeans.

Come on!

Great running session, Sara!

We'll be ready for
that 10k in no time!

Megan?
Megan Harriman?

Nice wing-manning, chief.

Go get yourself a snow cone.

Wow. Really?

You're still giving me nothing?

This is out of control.

I'm sorry.

What's your name?

My name?!

We dated for almost ten weeks!

That's close to my record!

And you can't
even remember my name?

Wow, you have
got some nerve, sister.

You don't understand...

No, I don't understand.

I really liked you, you know?

And you disappeared out
of nowhere.

So, you know,
if you've got an explanation,

hey, I'd love to hear it.

I was run over by a truck,

and now I have trouble
remembering things.

You were run over
by a... wow.

Um, God, that explains a lot.

Wow! You were hit by a truck?

I was hit by a truck?!
No, I don't...

No, wait.
I was hit by a truck.

Oh, cool joke.

So, uh,
we dated for ten weeks, huh?

Yeah.

I wish I remembered that.

Anyway, how, how are you?

Pretty good.
I mean, recently.

Last year I was hit by a truck,
so, not a good year.

Not a joke. Or is it?

Friends with Benefits Season 1 Episode 4
The Benefit of Forgetting
August 12, 2011

Three different whaling ships
corner this humpback

and all we had was
a two-man raft.

God, so many people talk
about making a difference,

but you are actually
making a difference.

Well...

And that turns me on,

which makes it all worthwhile.

- Mmm...
- Mmm...

You have amazing breasts.

I know, right?

Oh!

My man, my man, what's up?! Uh!

Wow.

So this is a lesbian
burlesque club, huh?

- Mm-hmm.
- I like it.

Hey, where's
your middle-aged lesbian?

Okay, I asked my mechanic if she
wanted to date your mom,

and then she told me
she wasn't even gay,

and now she's not my mechanic.

Well, hey, don't worry
about it, man.

There is plenty of talent
in here tonight.

We are gonna have no problem
fixing my mom up.

Oh!

Hey, mama!

I thought it was just
going to be just us.

Nope, we are both here,

both ready to help you get
right back on the lady train.

All "abroad"!

Sorry.

Okay, this isn't the best place.

To have this conversation,

but I can't put it off anymore.

Julian...

I am seeing someone.

Oh, my God! What...

That's fantastic!

What's her name?

Keith.

Keith?

Well, that's a funny name
for a woman.

Of course, I do have
an Aunt Steven, so...

No, honey.

Marsha.

Julian, I'd like
you to meet Keith.

Uh, good to meet you... Keith.

Oh...!

You're a pre-op.

No. No, I get that all the time.

No, I'm a man.

A man?

Gosh, I wish I didn't have
to say that so often.

Having dinner
with Megan tonight. No big deal.

P.S. Big deal.

Wow! You really like this girl.

So, dazzle me
with your fancy dinner plans.

Mm-mm. I guess I'll put
some pizza in her.

You know, a nice girl
like Megan might want more.

Than a slice of meat lover's and
X-Men 17 or whatever.

X-Men 17. If only.

Would it kill you
to make an effort for once?

Just putting it out there.

You're boring.
Take it sleazy.

Oh, that's a shingle oak.

I spent a weekend chained
to one of those last summer.

We were protesting
deforestation.

I've been chained
to things, too.

But never in protest.

Well, fake protest.

Ooh...

Well, well, well...

I know.
Isn't it great.

That breast-feeding in public
isn't taboo anymore?

Okay, we're still doing this.

God, it's just
so damn beautiful.

Look, she's switching!

Oh...

Boy, I'm glad I ran into you.

Oh, me, too.

Thank God for all
my jogging, which I do.

I don't really remember
dating you last time,

but if you're going to take
a girl to a nice restaurant,

a great show...

And your rooftop to talk
until 5:00 in the morning...

You're gonna do
pretty well for yourself.

This time around.

That sounds like
a beautiful date.

I know.

I almost wish we'd actually
done some of that stuff.

Wait. What?

Mm! I was planning on
showing her a great night,

but my boss wanted me
to work late,

so, you know, I didn't have
time to put anything together.

So we just ordered pizza.

And watched Predator 2,
you know.

And you told her you took her
to dinner and a play?

Well, she couldn't
remember what we had done,

so why not have her think.

It was something
super romantic?

Ben, do you realize
how wrong this is?

Wrong. Very, very wrong.

Although...

Oh, God, you're gonna
justify this.

Well, you know, if she thought.

Some of that stuff happened,

who's to say that it didn't?

You know, doors of
perception, whatever.

Doors of...
Dude, you're just lazy.

You're right.
You're totally right.

Not gonna happen again.

A spa day, a balloon ride
and ice skating?

Wow. I bet I loved it.

Yeah. You know, it took
forever to plan,

but it was worth it.

Remind me.

Have we had the conversation.

About how I like
to wait a month.

Before I sleep with a guy?

Yes, we have, but that
was six weeks ago.

Oh.

Okay.

You lied to Megan again?

Ugh! Dude.

I know!
It's... it's working so well.

You know, I have the
date I want at night,

and then the date she wants in
the morning. Everybody wins.

Listen to me... you need to
stop this, all right?

Putting aside
the obvious moral questions,

it's encouraging all
of your worst impulses:

fear of commitment,
fear of boredom,

intimacy issues disguised
as pickiness.

See, Megan doesn't keep a
mental ledger of everything.

That's wrong with me.

That's why I'm
fake-taking her

to the opera tomorrow night,

- and why no one fake-takes you anywhere.
- Okay, okay,

Ben, I gotta admit, it's
getting a little gross.

Aaron, come on.

If the person that
you're lying to

doesn't know you're lying,
is it really lying?

Yes.
That's the definition of lying.

Look, lying happens.

It's crazy out there.

You don't know
what you're saying.

Yeah, see?

I told Derek yesterday
that I compost.

I just don't take out
my garbage.

Wait, are you still
dating boob guy?

Yeah.
He's kind of a weirdo.

We're all weirdos.

I don't want to miss out
on a great guy.

Just because he has a kink.

I just want to know
what the kink is.

Aaron, I need to use
your robot thing.

I don't have a robot!

Who is telling you this?

No, no, the thing
from the other day.

You know, the computer wish...
Dork, whatever.

Okay, the "computer wish dork,
whatever" that you're

talking about is what the CIA
uses to keep us safe.

So let's be a little respectful.

His name is Derek Valentine.

You guys have no discipline.

I don't.

Yeah, I got Facebook, gmail...

Linkedin. Nerd.

Uh, I got credit cards,
gym membership...

Oh.

What?

Says here he's a member

of a group called
La Leche League

which is a group that advocates
breast-feeding babies.

There's nothing
wrong with that.

Breast-feeding's
a good thing.

Not a lot of single,

childless men into
it, but, whatever.

He posts a lot on

breast-feeding message boards.

And his handle is
"the great pump-kin."

What?

I think this guy's
a lac-dater.

- What?
- He's a feeder.

What?

I don't want
to describe this anymore.

He wants to latch on
to your boobs

and make milk
come out of them.

- What?
- Come on, that was clear!

Ugh!

I got us reservations at the
fanciest new restaurant in town.

Their food is super-tiny.

Ooh, I love
an amuse-bouche.

And, uh, don't worry, mama,
this place has

plenty of high-protein
and low-carb options, too.

Actually, honey, I'm doing
things a little differently now.

It's all about portion control.

Portion control?

Keith's regimen is fun and easy.

And it works, too.

Maybe I should call it

"Keith it simple."

You know what, Keith, take this
from a professional trainer

and an expert nutritionist,
your slogan sucks.

Oh, my God!

A blowout?

Yep.

No, no, Fitz, Fitz,
I used to be a mechanic.

Yeah? Yeah?
Well, you know what,

my mom used to be
a lesbian, okay?

So things change, buddy!

Julian!

You're acting like a child!

Nuh-uh! You are.

I did not raise you this way.

Oh, s-so we're gonna
do that now?

Because, let me tell you,
I was raised to believe.

That love was meant to be
between one woman

and one other woman.

And now here you come and
bring this guy into your life.

To burn your fat
and-and fix your tires.

You know, I think we all need

to de-escalate here.

Don't tell me
what I need to do, okay?

You are not my mom.

I mean, my dad.

Oh, God, I am so confused.

Do you have a
breast feeding fetish?

What?!

That is insane.

I don't even... yes.

Okay.

We can work with this.

Really?

I like you.

And, hey, everybody's into
some weird stuff.

I mean, who hasn't
played "sexy pizza guy"

or "slut at
the rental car place"?

At least you had
the guts to admit it.

So...

How do we start?

Well, uh, we could use a pump.

To induce lactation
and then we can feed directly.

Gotcha.

Awesome.

Great, I'll go get it.

Wait, why are you
taking your shirt off?

Oh, um, I thought I was...

No, no.

Just make yourself comfortable,

and I will see if I can get...

These puppies going.

Okay.

Ooh. I'm out of here.

Square.

Hey.

Hope you don't mind doing
a casual pizza-at-home night

for a change.

Not at all.

After the whirlwind dates
you've been taking me on,

I could use a night in.

I even brought a movie.

What'd you get?

What? Battle Royale?

Oh, come on, this is the movie
where the-the middle-school

Japanese kids go to an island,
they all kill each other.

Man, I've been wanting
to see this ever since

I heard it got banned.
That's awesome.

I know, you told
me the other day

and it seemed so
important to you

that I didn't want to forget,
so I wrote it down.

Man, you are great.

Man, I suck.

What do you mean?

You are so awesome,

and I'm totally
taking you for granted.

You know what, from now on,
I'm gonna treat you way better.

- Better?
- Mm-hmm.

I don't see how
that's possible.

But you're more than
welcome to try.

♪ I'm tryin' to tell you
somethin' 'bout my life ♪

♪ maybe give me insight
between black and white... ♪

Tenth birthday party.

Your mama called,
said they're leaving.

Good.

Okay, I don't get it.

Why does this have
you so messed up?

Look, man,

when I was a kid,
there were no other guys around.

I only saw men

maybe once a month, when we got
our propane delivered,

and in the men's room
at Shakey's.

And my mama always said to me,
she said, "Julian,

you are the only man
in my world."

But now she went out
and got herself another man.

So tell me, Aaron,
where does that leave me?

Dude, my parents have
sued each other eight times.

My mother embezzled
from my nursery school.

My father might...

Might... have killed
our housekeeper.

Okay, so it's a little difficult
for me to feel sorry for you

when the only thing that you
have to do is accept the fact

that your sweet mother,

who loves you,

has found someone
that makes her happy.

I've just...

I've always been the man.

Fitz, there is no universe
in which you are not the man.

Oh, what, honey?
Marsha:

I'm a pretty princess!

Oh! Yes, you are!

Oh, look at that.

♪ Yeah. ♪

Julian, what are you doing here?

How did you find us?

Uh, Aaron zoomed in
on your satellite dish.

Anyway, I came here to
say something to you,

and to Keith.

Is he here?

Keith!

Hey.

Oh, the-the mask is just
for sleep, not for sex play.

That would be
an entirely different mask.

Now, what is it?

I came here to say that...

You've given me the world, mama,

and lately I have been
acting like I deserve that.

But truth is, the truth is
you deserve it.

You know, you
deserve to be happy.

And if this weird little dude
right here.

Is what makes you happy,
then... God bless.

I'm actually average
Five-eight,

but I appreciate the sentiment.

Oh, come here, you.

Thank you, Julian.

I thought we already
saw Fences.

We did. You know, but you said
you wanted to see it again.

You're the best.

You know what, let's make
this a night we never forget.

Or that you don't, anyway.

Right.

Megan.

Hey, I'm home.

Who's this?

Oh, no, not again.

Where's your cell phone?

I have a cell phone?

I text you every hour

to remind you
that we're together.

Together? Wow.
Who are you?

I'm Steve. I'm her fiancé.

I'm engaged?!

Okay, why should she
believe you? Huh?

How do we know you're not
just some guy she used to date.

Who's taking advantage
of her memory problem?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Megan, look at the bottom
of your right foot.

Creep.

Okay, let's just go.
That's disgusting.

Thanks, but we're gonna, um...

Oh, right!

Steve!

Baby, I am so sorry.

Megan, what, so I'm just out?

Hey, I thought
we had something.

I thought so, too,
but according to.

The bottom of my right foot,
I'm with him, so...

This isn't fair.

You were sleeping
with my fiancée.

The fact that
you're walking out of here

with your teeth
is more than fair.

In fact, I don't think
you are gonna

walk out of here
with your teeth!

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.

Megan, take off your left shoe.

I think that you'll find...

So are things really
over with Megan?

Well, she's getting married
in ten days,

so I think we're at least
on a break.

Sorry it didn't work out.

Yeah.

Well, that's not really true.

What you were doing
was kind of creepy.

But your heart was
in the right place.

Although, that's not really
true either.

Oh, come on!

Give me something here.

Okay.

You didn't totally
ruin her life.

There.

That's pretty much all I got.

I mean, it's crazy
how one moment

can change everything for you.

You know, I mean,
what would my life be like.

If my head was
run over by a truck?

Yeah.

Would it really be
all that different?

Yeah, who we kidding?

Eighth birthday, Lincoln Park.

Hey, man, that bird
just pooped on your cake.

That's hilarious.

You should submit that to
America's funniest...

Man, what's happening? Who is that monster
chasing that poor pigeon?

That's my mom.

She's lying.

I'm gonna be sick.