Friends with Benefits (2011): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Benefit of the Unspoken Dynamic - full transcript

Aaron, it's your call.

Does Ben live or does he die?

Give me a minute.

Oh, no.
You're building a drone?

What happened?

You see, this is why Facebook
is so dangerous.

Dude is just trying to get
his Farmville on, right?

Then he sees that this girl he
was in love with for six years

is engaged to one
of his friends from MIT.

She's marrying a guy who is me,
just one point better.

He's one point cuter,



one point smarter,
and he's one point...

...bigger.

Yeah. I saw him
in the locker room once,

after squash. It was...

Man, these are
some dark times.

I'm gonna break out
the emergency tequila.

Where is it again, Aaron?

It's right next
to the regular tequila.

It's like,
if he's Green Lantern,

then I'm Hawkman.

Who's Hawkman?

Exactly.

Aaron, hey.

You are a
super cool guy.



Now, I'm not going
to put this in comic book terms,

because it kind of
hurts my argument,

but you're not the little nerdy
kid from Piedmont Junior High.

Then who am I?

You are an incredibly
rich grown-up nerdy kid

who could get any
woman he wanted.

Hey, and all a chick
would have to do

is see this drone
to know that.

That drone
is a straight-up panty dropper.

Why don't you go
have a good time

and just let me wallow
for a little while?

No. No, no, no.

We are gonna go out tonight.

We're going
to have a great time.

Because guess
who's on the case?

The Mayor of Fun.

I don't want the
mayor on the case.

Well, it's a little bit
too late for that

because the mayor has taken
great interest in your case.

Okay, mayors don't
take cases, okay?

This metaphor has
always bothered me.

Hey. Let
the mayor speak.

The mayor has never failed us.

Okay, what about the
backstage passes to Kanye?

I think he's playing
"Gold Digger."

This is not backstage.

This is outside!

Hey, those passes looked legit.

To be fair, "Kanye"
was spelled "C-O-N-Y-A-Y."

Okay, you know what?
We are going to go out tonight.

We're going
to get our drink on,

we're going
to find some ladies,

and we're going to have sex
with those same ladies.

Come on, Aaron.

It sounds like the mayor

has just the
right prescription

for what is ailing you.

Okay, one day, you guys
are going to both sit down

and explain to me exactly what
you think it is that mayors do.

Look, Aaron, all I want
is for you to feel better, okay?

So we can sit here and wallow,

or we can take
a chance on tonight

maybe being
the greatest night of our lives.

Who knows? Maybe Laurie
will wake up in the morning

and check your Facebook status
that says: "I banged a model."

I'm in.

There he is.
Whoo!

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I could just make
that my status anyway.

I don't need
money, I am money.

Hey. How's it going?

Hey. Good.
Just super tired.

Did you do anything
fun last night?

No.
Really?

'Cause when I got back,
it was already light out.

I could have sworn
you weren't in your room.

Were you out with
some guy last night?

You were!

You were smushing it with
some hot, nasty, random dude.

Nice!

No, I was not.

Um, for your information,
I was at fish...

mark-marketing... class.

It's something new
I'm pursuing.

I'm going to go lie down.

Hey, did you get the Evite
I forwarded to you?

My friend Bethany is baptizing
her potbellied pig on Friday.

I thought we could
go together.

You know, if you don't
have fish marketing class.

You know what? I'm gonna...
I'm gonna check my schedule,

and I'll get back to you.

Sounds fun though.

Okay. Cool.

Come on, baby.

Okay, here we go, fellas.

Greatest night ever.
All right.

Step one: get
very, very drunk.

Let's do it.
Here we go.

Cheers! Do it!

♪ Nine hundred,
ninety-nine thousand ♪

♪ Nine hundred, ninety-nine
girls... ♪

Ah! Yeah!
Ah!

Mm-hmm...

Mm-hmm.

Mmm. I can't chug.

I have a deviated septum.

Sara doesn't like me.

What? Why do you think
she doesn't like you?

Because she doesn't.

Every weekend, I
ask her to go out,

and every weekend, she says
she has to get back to me.

Okay, Riley.
That's a little ridiculous.

I mean, we-we all hang out
all the time.

Yeah.

No, hang out
all the time,

but can you remember one time
that me and Sara hung out,

just the two of us?

We couldn't remember
that, by definition,

because we
weren't there.

In other news, I'm drunk.

Hey, you know,
Sara is good person.

She just takes a little while
to get to know people, you know?

No. I know exactly
what she thinks.

That she is
Little Miss Dr. Perfect,

and I am the freaky new roommate
who brings creepy guys home

and smokes cloves
till 4:00 in the morning.

Isn't that exactly who you are?

Yeah, but where does she
get off thinking that?

Hang on, here she comes.
Shh, shh.

Hey, guys.

Why don't you like Riley?

What?
What?

See, growing up
on the lesbian commune,

we believe you just put
it out on the table.

It helps to diffuse
the conflict.

Why do you think
I don't like you?

We just never
do anything together.

We do tons of stuff together.

What about the flea market
outside Wrigley?

That was me, you, and Fitz.

The water park last summer?

That was you, Fitz,
Ben and Aaron.

That was a great day.
So fun. So fun!

I get the vibe that you'd be
happier being just roommates.

That is so not true.

Let's do something tonight.
What do you like to do?

Well, it's not like everything
I do is so crazy and weird.

I do normal stuff.

All right, then
name it. I'm in.

Okay.

Well my pot dealer's
having a retirement party,

because the FBI made him snitch
on some Mexican drug lords,

so...

It should be pretty fun.

So, what are you thinking?

Business casual?

Um, no...

I'm kidding. I know
what to wear.

Great.

What do I wear?

Can I back out of this thing?

♪ I found a smile
in the mirror ♪

♪ Yeah, I just woke up ♪

♪ I put a pound of coffee
in my favorite cup ♪

♪ I got the house to myself,
but I'm not alone ♪

♪ Back on the couch,
I put the TV on ♪

♪ I put the TV on, yeah... ♪

Okay, gentlemen, step number
two: get very, very drunk.

I don't want to nitpick,
but that was step one.

Well, it's also
the next eight steps.

What's your point?

FITZ:
Ooh, step three:

incredibly hot
waitress comes over.

Hey, guys.
I'm Kristen.

Can I get you something
to drink?

Yes, we would like a bottle
of your finest champagne.

And...

Oh! Two orders
of the chicken dippers.

Dippers and champagne,
very classy.

Do you guys want to open a tab?

Uh, yes, we
do, Kristen,

and we would like for
this gentleman right here

to pay for it.

He's our sugar daddy.
Mm-hmm.

I'll get your champagne.

Okay.

Guys, thank you very much.
This is just what I needed.

And I must say, I don't know
if it's the booze talking,

but I'm feeling very,
very attractive right now.

Man, you got beer
goggles for yourself.

Hey, guys.

Kristen!

Do you mind if I close you out?
My shift's over.

No!
All right.

No, no, no!

Okay. Whoa. Hey.

It's not even...
It's, like...

I don't have
my watch on right now,

but it's not...
Your shift's not over.

I'm so sorry,

but all good things
must come to an end.

I'm going to see a band
down on Navy Pier.

But Haley is here,

and she'll
take care of you.

K-street, listen to me.

Answer this question.

Which one of us dudes
at this table

would you go out
on a date with?

No, let's not.

It's stupid.
Let's not do that.

No! No! Come on. Okay.

No wrong answers.
Totally hypothetical.

Which one of us
do you think is the cutest?

Well, you are all very cute.

I'll take it.
Great.

No! No! Okay. Here.

Take this napkin,
write the answer down.

We won't even look at it
until you're gone. Okay?

All right.

But two hearts are going
to be broken.

Good night, guys.
Thank you, K-street.

Bye, Kristen.

I say we don't
even look at it.

You know what?
He's right. He's right.

This night is
about you, Aaron.

You guys are a couple chickens.

I think we should
look at the napkin.

No. Seriously, this is
a night-ender, okay?

Let's just leave the napkin
and back away from the table.

I gonna look at the napkin.
No, no, don't.

Yep. Yep.
You don't want to look at the napkin.

Stop.
Seriously, you stop, man.

All right. Whoa!
Hey! Okay.

Bang.

Whoa. It's Aaron.

Boom!

Boom!
Yeah!

Yes! I knew it!
Thank you very much.

I couldn't have
done it without you.

You're the best.

Guess where we're going,
everybody?

Whoo. Where we going?

Navy Pier. Come on.
We're gonna go find Kristen.

So, you doing okay?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
This looks awesome.

Hey, Riley. How you doing, babe?
Hey, Trey.

Um, congratulations?

What do you say
when your dealer retires?

Yeah, it's emotional.

This is my friend Sara.

Hey, Sara.

You want a brownie?

I'm gonna pass.

Yeah. We're cool for now.

Okay. Enjoy.

So, if you see any cute guys
you want me to introduce you to,

just say the word.
Oh, um...

but stay away from that guy
with the rat on his shoulder.

He's super boring.

Listen, if you want to go,
I totally understand.

I mean, you're a doctor,
and these people do stuff

like pierce tongues
for a living.

Don't be silly.

I'm having an
awesome time.

Let's kick it up a notch,
shall we?

Let's.

Cheers.
Cheers.

Probably shouldn't have drank
that on an empty stomach.

You don't have to babysit
me, Riley. I'm fine.

I mean, it's not like I'm one

of those prissy type A
overachievers.

I hate those bitches.

I work hard,
but I play hard, too.

Perfect. Then you're
in the right place.

Why does the bean
dip taste like ass?

Oh, um, FYI,

I put some good times
in the bean dip.

And the chicken wings
and the cookies.

Pretty much everything
you see here.

Sara?

Hey!
Hey.

We should probably go.

Why? This
party's awesome!

I just feel like
I could be anything.

What if I was your shoe?

Look! I'm your shoe!

I'm your shoe!

How are you
holding up?

I'm totally
fine now.

I'm totally fine now.

Good. I was a little worried.

How far is Navy Pier?

Uh, yeah,
it's-it's pretty far down there.

Uh-huh.
You know, but... You know,

if you're getting tired,
we can just head on home.

Why do you keep
saying that?

What?
I am not tired.

I have the strength of
ten men right now.

Whoa. Cool.

I'm gonna just sit
down for a second.

Okay, right there.

Man, how long are you going
to keep this up?

Keep what up?

Man, you know
we're on the wrong train, man.

Shh. Okay, be quiet, okay?

We cannot go to Navy Pier.

Because she put your name
on the napkin.

How did you know that?

Come on, you never heard
of the all-knowing black guy?

No.
Green Mile?

Bagger Vance? Shawshank?

Okay, look, I thought it
would be a boost to his ego.

Okay, I didn't think he'd
actually try to track her down.

We just got to keep
switching trains

until he runs
out of steam.

This lady over here just told me

this is not the right train,
you guys.

Oh, damn it!

You know what?
That is infuriating.

What is your deal, man?

Are you so bitter

that a gorgeous girl
happened to pick me over you?

Yeah, that we went
head-to-head,

and she chose
the A-frame?

No, not at all.

Unless this will
end the night.

Then, yes, I'm so bitter.
No.

No, we are going
to find the right train,

we are going to Navy Pier,
and then I'm going to shine

like the diamond
that I have become

while you guys witness that.

Hey, dude?

You have
an awesome haircut.

My friend Gary
has the same one.

Hmm?

Yeah.

Navy Pier.

All right,
buddy, hey, look.

Let's-let's
not do this.

The concert's got to
be over by now anyway.

Paging, Mr. Block.
Uh.

Paging Mr. C. Block.

I promise, I'm
not blocking you.

I'm looking out
for you. Besides,

there's no way we're gonna find
this girl in all of Navy Pier.

Hey! It's the guys
from the restaurant.

Uh!

Yeah!

Hey.

Do you know
who that guy is?

No, never seen
him before.

Me, neither.

Hey, does anyone know who that is?
That guy?

Wait a second.

I have seen him.

Yeah, he hangs around the
railroad tracks sometimes.

He has one of them little
carts he pushes around

with cans and
bottles and... stuff.

Sara! Sara!

Come here. Come here.

Give me a second.

I'm making out
with a hobo?!

Oh, my God.

Okay. Okay, let's go.
Okay.

Oh!

You can't kill germs
with Sunkist.

Don't tell me how
to kill germs.

I am a medical doctor.

I thought he
was in a band.

I mean, he kept
talking about how

he sold that album,
made a bunch of cash.

I don't think
that's what he meant.

I told him I thought
the security tag

on his pants was a
cool, ironic touch.

Hey, you hooked up
with a hobo.

It happens.

Oh, my God!

Where's my phone?!

My phone's gone.

This is all your fault.

How is it my fault?

You took me
to that horrible party,

and you let me
eat all that pot.

How was I supposed to know
that there was pot in bean dip?

Oh, please.

Oh, right, because,
um, I'm this hot mess

with the druggie friends,
and you're Little Miss Perfect.

I'm not perfect,
but I'm certainly not one...

What?

A girl who went to a drug party,

ate the most pot
I have ever seen,

danced like a drunk wizard
and made out with a hobo?

Because that's you.

That is not me.

I am a conservative
girl from a small town

with a medical degree
and a clean room

and a beading kit,
and... Oh, God.

You're a god?
No.

Oh, God. Oh, where can I vomit?

Where do you want to vomit?

At home! I want
to vomit at home.

Right, then
we better hurry.

Come here.

Ooh. Too late.

I lost all respect for Jay-Z

when he started
wearing flip-flops.

I mean, thugs do
not wear sandals.

I think it's so cool
that you haven't figured out

what you want
to do with your life.

Hmm. Not really.
I just think it means

I have deep,
psychological trouble.

God, you're interesting.

Hmm.
I just want to rescue you.

Well, the last girl that
tried that, I wound up killing.

I love dark humor.

So, you're
into computers?

Is that right?

That is a gross
oversimplification of what I do.

Kristen, do you like chocolate?

Because I like
chocolate,

and I once flew...
Potty!

I'll go
with you.

Ah, hang on,
bitches.

What are you doing?

What?!
What are you doing?

Kristen is trying
to get with me,

and you are,
like, all over her.

Are you kidding me?

I'm trying everything
in my power

to try to shake her off me.

It's like being guarded by Kobe.

You have been talking
to her all night long.

Don't forget whose
name is on the napkin.

Nope, I have not forgotten.
Okay.

What about Ula, huh?
She's very pretty.

You guys got kind of have
a cool vibe going.

Why don't you...?
Oh, my God.

You think that you
deserve her or something,

because she's the
prettier one,

and that I should be stuck
with the plain friend.

That's not what I'm saying, no.
What are you saying?

Hey, hey, guys, listen.

I'm telling you right now.

Let's just get rid
of these girls, okay?

We send them home,
and we play drunk Halo

until we all pass out.

No. I want to talk about this.

Okay, there is
an unspoken dynamic

that's going on here
where you think

that you are Ben,
the popular guy,

and I'm the nerdy best
friend, and tonight,

it switched around,
and it's freaking you out.

Okay, I just don't think
Kristen is totally into you.

That's all I'm saying.

Really? Okay, let's just
do the math here, right?

One: I'm rich,
two: I'm handsome, three:

I'm incredibly rich.

And what do you
do for a living?

You write instruction manuals
for vacuum cleaners.

Wow. Okay, okay.

You want to do some math?
Add this up.

Kristen wrote one name
down on the napkin, one name.

Let's take a look here.

Huh. "Ben."
I know it's not math,

but suck it.

You fabricated
an alternate napkin?

Well, that is...
No.

That's pathetic.

Aaron, it's true.
She wrote down Ben's name.

Man, he was just trying
to be nice.

Nope. This is not right.

Nope, nope.

Nope. Nope!
Oh, my...

Hey, girls?!

Okay, listen,
I get the black guy,

'cause I'm into that.

You should take
the rich nerd.

And you're into the
blonde douche bag, right?

Hey!

I hope you got
a good explanation for this.

I thought your friend was cute,
so I wrote his name down.

Well, then I guess
you didn't do anything wrong!

I think I'm done.

But just in case, let's
stay toilet adjacent.

Yeah.

Mm, Riley, I'm sorry about this.

It's fine.

It's nice to know

you're not Miss Perfect.

I am so not Miss Perfect.

I lied to you the other day.

I wasn't
at fish marketing class.

I've been sleeping with Ben.

Wow.

Yeah.

For how long?

About a month.

And I don't know if

it's the greatest idea,

and it doesn't
mean anything, but...

Actually, there is no but.

Well, you know I hooked up
with Aaron, right?

Yeah, he told everybody.

I just haven't
been telling people

because I've never done anything
like this before.

It's exciting.

Becoming a doctor
was such a responsible choice

that it's fun to do something

potentially
really, really stupid.

Yeah, I do stupid things
all the time.

I highly recommend it.

Sometimes I'm intimidated

by how comfortable
you are with yourself.

Sometimes I'm
intimidated by you

because you seem
so together.

Yeah.

Well, I know
that's not true now.

I'm glad we're friends.

Me, too.

I'm gonna go wash my face.

Did you knock?
I tried.

He's deep into
Warcraft right now.

I mean, he's not coming
out till tomorrow.

Let's just
go to bed.

Man, I can't go to bed

knowing there's bad blood
between friends.

We got to just
clear the air.

Okay.

Hey, Aaron, do you want
to do a thing

where you decide
whether Ben lives or dies?

What?!

Yeah, okay.

All right, Aaron,

I know you're feeling a lot

of resentment
for Ben right now,

but if you can't
let go of your anger,

then Ben
is better off dead.

What?! No, I'm not.

Hey, listen, man,
this is something I learned

during my semester
at sea, okay?

It's meant to build trust
among the sailors.

All right.
So,

does Ben live,
or does Ben die?

Give me a minute.

This is crazy.

If I jump in,
I'm going to drown.

Just chill, man.
In all the times

I've seen this,
nobody's ever had to jump.

Okay, Ben, I am...

letting go of my anger.

Think I was mad
today because

everyone always seems
to like you more than me.

And I think
that's just

because you're a great guy,
and I understand that today

you were... just trying
to be a good friend.

Thanks, buddy.

You know, I'm sorry about
the way tonight went.

I-I really should
have been...

Oh, hey, hey.

Ah! Help!

Ben!

Here I come...
Oh, no, I'm not.

Ben, Aaron, come here!

Here.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

I think that my
balls just swam away.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Look, Aaron,

if anybody in our group
is better than anyone,

then you're better
than us all, okay?

I mean that.
Dude.

Oh, oh.

Once again,
the ritual has worked.

Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Easy, man.
What are y'all doing? Hey!

So, what's it gonna take
for me to get my phone back?

Dinner.

Oh, look, Dave,

we've been over this.

I just don't think
we're right for one another.

You don't have to be there.
I just want food.

Oh, right.

Can I get my messages, please?

Uh, your mom called.

Your sister.

Boy, do they want you
to get married.

Is that why you changed

my Facebook status
to "in a relationship"?

I wanted to get them off
my case. They're relentless.

Ugh!

Got to go. Cops.