Friends with Benefits (2011): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Benefit of Full Disclosure - full transcript

Four punches!
Straight punches!

Hey, Fits, great news!
Hey, Ben, real job.

Yeah, yeah.
Step cuts!

My friend Joe showed my musicbox
to his Boston Halstead Records.

Hey, don't say "blog".
And we're kicking, now!

Hey, they want to bring me in
for an interview.

That's great, man. We're all starting
to worry about unemployed Ben.

What are you watching?

Intervention.

What's you watchin'?

Barefoot Contessa.



All you talk about
is meth!

Intervention.

Intervention?

I can handle it!
You don't...

You don't know me!

There were talks of staging
an Intervention intervention.

Not me, baby.

I'm indestructible.

I'm Superman.

Oh...

To Ben, for pursuing a job

he doesn't have
to lie to girls about.

Hey!

So I texted Joe.
I want to buy him



a "thanks for the
interview" drink.

Really? Ah, I hate it
when we hang out

with people that aren't us.

Oh, no.

It's okay. I'll just
make small talk or something.

No. Oh, no.

I texted the wrong Joe.

Sara, why aren't you breathing?

Sara dated this
Joe after college.

He destroyed her.

Hey, guys.

Joe!

I mean... hey.

What's so bad about Joe?

He's kind of cute.

Well, Joe is
Sara's mindbanger.

Okay, I'll bite.
What's a mindbanger?

Well, you know, it's that one
person who gets into your head

and takes over your mind.

And once you're dating
that person,

you forget who you are and
all the things you care about.

And all that matters
is sustaining

your dysfunctional
relationship.

Gia Pots.

Tanya Baker.

Adam Foster.

See?

So what happens
when Sara's with Joe?

Well, first, she blows off
all of her friends.

Hey, guys.

Joe and I are gonna go
somewhere a little quieter

to catch up.

No. No, you're not.
Not allowed.

Remember our friendship promise?

Listen up, Ben.
Ow.

If I ever try to get
back together with Joe,

ever, promise me
you won't let me.

I...
Promise me.

I promise.
You're hurting me.

Ow.

Ben, please, I was 23.

I was young and naive.

It's just catching up.

Or, whatever.

Okay.

Thank you

for coming with me
and making sure

I do not buy
this car.

I don't need this car.
I'm here to look at it.

I don't even have a
place to put this car.

I should buy this car.
Should I get this?

No.

You're doing a great job.

Hi. Riley?

Ariel. Hi.
How's it going?

Hi.

I'm Ariel.

Like the mermaid.

But with legs.

And other parts.

How do you guys
know each other?

You know, the Scene.

Oh, my God.
I love this car.

What's a girl got to do
to get a ride in it?

I think you just talk to
one of the salespeople

over there and...

Or...

Just say yes to me when
I ask you on a date.

And then I will come
and pick you up in it.

This is my building. 8:00.

See you later, Riley.

Bye-bye.

Boom!

Did you see that?

That was the smoothest
moment in my whole life!

I was like Bruce Wayne.
I was like

when Michael Keaton
played Bruce Wayne,

not like when Val Kilmer
played Bruce Wayne.

You don't want this car,

and you don't want
to go out with Ariel.

Yeah, I do.

She has legs and other parts.

She's a skanky
scenester chick

who bangs rich guys
to get free stuff.

Are you saying that she
just wants to have sex with me

because I'm rich?

Yup.
That is so awesome.

Don't you want
to go out with somebody

who likes the real Aaron?
No.

The real Aaron
has a very spotty track record.

I got us a "Build
Blackbeard's Ship" kit!

Say hello to
our weekend.

I have to go.

I know we've only known each
other for about three days,

but I'm falling
in love with you.

I'm sorry, what?

I love you.

I have to go.

And then the fourth time

my mom tried
to kill herself,

I was away at camp.

Just go.

Okay. The people that Ariel
hangs out with are fake.

You're a real person.

Right, but maybe real
isn't really working out for me.

Nobody likes real.

Everyone likes real.

I mean, breasts,

Housewives,
Time with Bill Maher.

Okay, stop.

Here's a question.
Would you rather eat

a raw potato,
or double-bacon potato skins

with sour cream and chives?

Well, potato skins, but...
Bah! Analogied!

Excuse me. I'm gonna
go buy this car.

It's open. Come in.

Sara, hey.
I have something to say to you,

so, um, I wrote it down
in a letter

like they do on Intervention.

Okay. "Dear Sara,

"I know you've rekindled
your romance with Joe,

but your behavior is really
scaring the people who love..."

I can't hear you!
Come in here!

"...you.

"Oh. Help me rinse.

Fine.

No! My speech!

Oh, man.

Why is your head
leaking dark goo?

I'm dying my hair.
Oh!

Damn it.

You know what?
You're in phase two.

Yeah. You're becoming

the girl you think Joe wants.

I'm not changing myself for Joe.

You are literally
changing yourself.

But not for Joe. For me.

And the fact
that Joe happens

to love black hair
is a total coincidence.

Okay,
and what are you doing now?

I'm cutting my bangs.

And how does Joe feel
about bangs?

Mm-mmm-mmm.

Look, I know what
you're thinking.

But things are different
with Joe now.

All right?
We talked about it last night,

and he admitted
that last time

he wasn't ready
for the level of relationship

that I was looking for.

And that's why he disappeared
for days on end.

Uh-huh.
But this time,

he's totally into it,

and I like to think

that people can change.
Otherwise,

why would I be doing this?

Uh-oh.

Oh...

I can't believe you rented
this whole cabana.

It's, like,
$2,000 a night.

Anything for m'lady.

Ooh, Aaron,
these are my friends.

Hey, let's get some bottles
up in "hurr."

All on me!

Holla at the baller.

Yeah!

Whoo!
Whoa!

Ah! Whoa!

♪ Send my heart to hell ♪

♪ Thanks for the misery ♪

♪ Send my heart to hell,
cash on delivery... ♪

Uh! Thank you for coming.
I just got paged.

I have to get
back to the hospital.

Can you keep an eye
on Joe for me?

We gotta watch him
offstage, too?

You see that girl
who looks like the love child

of Adriana Lima and Belle
from Beauty and the Beast?

Five minutes ago,

she asked him
if he wanted a drink.

She's a waitress.

Exactly. A normal girl
can't go up to a guy

and say, "Do you want a drink?"

without seeming like a whore,
but a waitress can.

How convenient.

Okay, you know what?

This is classic
phase-three paranoia.

Stop phasing me.

It's perfectly normal
to be territorial

when you care about someone.

Especially when he struggles
with the temptations

of an up-and-coming rock star.

I mean, have you seen
Almost Famous?

Almost Famous? This place was
a crack den three weeks ago.

Just keep an eye on him.

♪ Thanks for the misery ♪

Nice cover, slut.

♪ Send my heart to hell,
cash on delivery. ♪

Thank you.

Well, I guess
there's only one way

to break up Sara and Joe.

I gotta bring back Emma.

Who's Emma?

You don't get it!
My keys! Give me my keys!

Give me my keys.
You don't get it! You don't get it!

Give me my keys. Give!
You don't get it!

Emma is my mindbanger.

We dated for, like,
two years.

I wore chinos,
studied for the LSATs,

apolenta.
It was bad.

Wait. How will
bringing back Emma...?

Listen to my story.

Okay, so one night,
I took Emma out

to meet up
with Sara and Joe...

Stop it.

You're so cute.

Hey, guys.

I need another drink.

It's on me.

They're not coming back
are they?

They dumped us
for each other because...

Because? Because?

If you think I know the end
of your story, you are wrong.

Because Joe and Emma
are each other's mindbangers.

They break up and get back
together all the time.

Now if we can just get
Joe and Emma

into the same room
or whatever...

Oh! Then Joe will
leave Sara for Emma.

Yes!

Now you got to throw
a party or something

because, you know, I cannot be
in the same room as Emma.

What? Who's gonna clean up?

And what am I gonna do with
the post-party brie wheel?

No one ever finishes that thing

and you can't take it
to a shelter.

I'll take the brie.

I'm in.

Okay. Thanks.

Oh, I would look hot
in that dress.

Well, add to cart.

I'd look so cute
in that romper.

Well, add to cart.

Okay, I think we're all set
for the party.

Now under no circumstances
are you to let me in, okay?

Not if I'm on fire,

not if I'm drowning.
Do not let me in.

Oh, and if anything goes wrong,
check the backup plan.

We didn't make a backup plan.

He better come through
on that cheese.

Darts. Darts, darts, darts.

I wonder what Emma looks
like now.

No, Ben, you don't wonder.
Shut up!

Don't tell me what I wonder.
Oh, here we go.

Look, I'll just do a walk-by,
check her out

and come right back.

That's a terrible idea.

Tell you what,
if I hit a bull's-eye

with this next dart, I can go.

Close enough.

Look, we dated for two years.

There's nothing wrong with just
seeing what she looks like.

That's normal human curiosity.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, my God, she's an angel.

Hey, man.

I'm just gonna
head up to the...

Whoa, hey!

Oh!

Uh... nope.

Nope.

Uh-uh.

Are you seriously
not gonna introduce me

before the band goes on?

Baby, you know I'm terrified
of public speaking.

My voice gets all croaky and I
always think my nose is running.

I don't think you understand

what a pivotal moment this is
for Soul Ache

♪ It's like her supportive
girlfriend act ♪

♪ is all just fake ♪

Yo, I think we should blow
pretty soon.

They're doing a Cristal
luge over at the Thompson.

Sounds duh.

Excuse us.

Riley?! Geez!

Okay, seriously?
This isn't you

Yeah, I know.

I'm a baller now, Riley.
This is awesome.

I'm ballin' like The Omnivore's
Dilemma author Michael Pollan.

Aaron, this isn't who you are.

You are not the guy
who texts while he gets kissed.

You are the guy
who kisses a girl,

and then sends out 40 texts
asking what it meant.

You know what I think's
going on right now?

I think you got your little
panties on the bunch,

because the "A" train,
is not all up

in your grill like
you're used to.

J-to-the-ealous much?

What?
Aar,

I just found a Web site where
you can design your own dog,

and they make it in a test tube.
Come and look.

Nope, not jealous.
What I said.

I have to go design
a very expensive dog.

I'll talk
to you later.

Emma?
Yeah?

I need you
to meet someone.

Okay. Shouldn't
I meet you first?

I'm Fitz.
Now we are besties.

Okay.
Come on.

Emma! Emma!

Ben?
Emma!

No-no-no-no-no,
don't look over there.

Look over here.

Pongo will be
genetically perfect.

Just like his mommy. Oh.

♪ We you jump in the spot,
the crowd start booing ♪

♪ But we only go
so we keeping it movin' ♪

♪ Keep it movin',
keep it movin' ♪

♪ Keep it, keep it,
keep it movin'! ♪

I need more black friends.

So, we're supposed to be at
Dennis' and Marjorie's potluck at 8.

There is a stone fruit salad
on the counter.

Pick it up after you take
the LSATs,

and meet me at their condo.

Didn't we see Dennis
and Marjorie five days ago?

Yeah. I miss them.

Don't you think
they're a little pretentious?

So, Ben, let's talk
skiing this Christmas.

Chamonix? Gstaad?
Jackson Hole?

Hole.

Hole.

You know, it wouldn't kill you

to be a little bit more
like Dennis.

He's a partner at one of the
biggest law firms in Chicago.

Dennis is a douchebag.

If I woke up one day
and I was Dennis,

I'd blow my brains out.

You know what?
Don't come tonight.

No, you're overreacting.
No, really, don't come.

What you're doing is you're overreacting.
Don't come. I will take

the stone fruit salad myself.
I'll take the stone fruit salad.

No, I'll take
the stone fruit salad!

So,how's it going
with Emma?

Good, good.

Going to a potluck
tonight, so...

Dude, I am really worried
about you.

Okay.

Dude, you have not answered
your phone in days.

Yeah.

Are you even going to that
record company interview?

No. No, I'm gonna take
the LSATs.

That's what Benemma wants.

Oh, that's Ben and Emma,
you know, you put together.

Dude, snap out of this, man!
I'm gonna level with you.

You and Emma
are horrible together.

Uh, okay. Yeah, Fitz, you have
no idea what Emma and I are.

Yeah, well, I know that

the two of you yell
"stone fruit salad" a lot.

Yes, Emma and I fight.

But that's only because
we love each other.

See, if you could stay
with one girl

for more than two seconds,

you would know that anger
and love are the same side

of two different coins.

What?

Burn!

That boy has been mindbanged.

If something goes wrong,
check the backup plan.

Aaron, these Bellinis

are bombtastic!

I know.

Hey, guys.

Riley, what are
you doing here?

Just wanted
to meet your new crew.

You got money?

Perfect. I'm hot.
This'll work.

Could I just...
Just for a second?

Yeah, there we go.

What are you doing?

Just checking out the Scene.

No. You hate
that I'm not being real,

and you're trying to prove that
my relationship is disgusting

by being disgusting
with that guy.

You're
taste-of-my-own-medicine-ing me.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Okay. Welcome to the Scene.

Ariel, let's eat some gold.

Hey, stop!

Don't do it...

anymore.

Fitz? How did you find me?

Listen, Sara, Ben is about to
miss a life-changing interview

for a career he would love
to take a test for a career

he'd hate all because Emma
wants him to.

Emma? They broke up
five years ago.

Yeah, well, he brought Emma back
to get Joe to...

Forget it. Just watch this.
May I?

Dear friends,
if you are watching this,

then the Ben you know is gone.

I was unable to stay away
from the party

and got back with Emma.

I have a new bad life, but you
know, I don't regret my choice.

Sara, I sacrificed myself
to honor a friendship promise

I made with you a long time ago.

And I would rather hurt
for the rest of my life

than to watch you get hurt
by Joe for one more day.

Oh, my God. How bad is he?

Arguing-over-
stone-fruit-salad bad.

Oh, my God.

He's miserable.

And I'm miserable.

And I have black hair
and "So" on my ass.

LSATs?

Let's go.

Thanks, Terry.

Look at her,
trying to teach me a lesson.

Like she's a lesson master.

Well, two can play at this
not-at-all fun game.

I'm gonna teach the teacher.

Ariel, I've got to pee.

Okay.

Hello, Riley, having fun?

Oh, yeah.
And you know what?

I was thinking.

Now that the old Aaron
no longer exists

and you're, like,
this new scene guy,

why don't we be on
the scene together?

Haven't we been doing that?

No. See, instead of
buying stuff for Ariel

and her doing
stuff for you,

why don't you just
pay my student loans,

and I'll do stuff to you?

She's bluffing.

That sounds like
the perfect arrangement.

All right, Greenway,
you want to play?

Let's play.

Okay, baby,
tell me how you want it.

Like this?

Don't cry. Don'try.

Yes, exactly.

Just, just like this.

Move face
towards her face.

Just making sure
this is...

this is completely
meaningless, right?

Well, you're the one
paying the bills.

It can mean whatever
you want it to mean.

Okay, yeah, okay,
just checking,

making sure it's a passionless,
transactional affair.

Okay.

And... time for the kill.

Uh! One rule: no kissing.

Ah! Ah!

Riley, it's not me.
I can't do it.

I can't... This is not me.
It's so gross.

I need it to be real.
I need it to mean something.

I told you.
And you know what?

The world needs people
like you, Aaron.

You know, one of you
makes up for, like,

a hundred empty douchebags.

Don't ever change.

You were scary.

I know, right?

I gotta go break it off
with Ariel.

What is she doing?

Is that a Culkin?

You can't be here.

Or can we?
What is your name?

Ben?

Ben, if you're here...

Is my nose running?

Uh, Ben, you saved me,
so I'm here...

to save you...

from Emma.

Is my nose running?

Speak up!

She's rubbing her nose.
She's high.

She's not high. She's just
really bad at public speaking.

Man, things must be pretty grim
if you're speaking

in front of all these people.

What am I doing here?

I'm not smart enough
for this test.

And this
sweater vest sucks.

My chest is hot,
my arms are freezing...

Let's go get you
that music job.

This is so romantic.
Kiss her.

We're just friends.

Hey.
Come on.

I did not get that job.

That sucks.
Sorry, man.

It's okay.

It's just, I'm glad to be back.

Hmm?

Yes May Joe, Emma
and Ariel never bang us

or our minds again.

Yes.
Yes.

Whoo.

Well, let's drink.

Please.

Aaron, you will meet a girl

who likes you
for you someday.

Sunday?

Someday.

Come on.

Thank you
for saving me.

Are you kidding?
Thank you for saving me.

Guys!

So, dear friends, I leave you
with some of the activities

that Ben liked to do
before Emma came along.

If you ever get lonely,
pop on the DVD.

I'll keep you company.

He shoots... oh, and scores!

What a great song!
I love music!

Okay, now you tell me a story
while I eat my sandwich,

and it'll be like
we're getting lunch.

No way.