Friends with Benefits (2011): Season 1, Episode 11 - The Benefit of Putting in the Work - full transcript

Liar! What?!

How was your job interview
today?

You know, I, uh, I don't think
I got the job.

It says you majored
in "media studies

and pubic relations."

Yeah, yeah. Pubic relations.
Get it?

I know what my problem is.
I'm not a company man.

I need to start my own
business, you know.

You ever think about
doing something like that?

In addition to the
nanotechnology company

that I started and sold
for millions of dollars,



no, I haven't thought
about that.

No, no, no, I mean,
like, a real business.

Like... like a yogurt store, you
know, or that place in the mall

where you can
make your own bear?

You got any ideas?

Not yet.

But you know me.

I'm always coming
up with stuff.

It's like the Genius Bar,
except everybody's topless.

Whoo!

Fortune cookie condoms.

My first match is Wednesday.

What I don't have is capital.

Unless you were
interested in investing.



I thought we were bowling.

Okay, if I come up
with a great idea,
will you back me?

You know, I don't know.

And that is to say...
I don't want to.

Oh, come on.

Once this thing takes off,

you will get your
investment back tenfold.

twentyfold.
fiftyfold.

How many folds do you want?

I'll tell you what.
Why don't you come up with

a brilliant idea,
and then we'll discuss it.

Well, that shouldn't be too hard,
because you're talking to the guy

who invented the left-
handed pin-cinerator.

Oh, God.

Um...

We'll add on an extra fold
for that.

Hey.

Would you buy a sweater
that had a built-in hat?

You mean like a hoodie?
Damn.

Remember that journalist
I met a few weeks ago-- Austin?

Will the cutbacks affect your ability
to offer gynecological care?

Yes. I have many
elderly patients who...

Oops. Darn it.
Can you kick

that fetus back over here?

How does this
get in there?

Buy me dinner
and I'll let you know.

(dejected sigh)

Taste this.

Wow.
Sex?

It's good, but I'm not banging
you for some mac and cheese.

No, sex with Austin.
As in, how it is?

We haven't had it yet.

All right, throw him
some after your date,

see how things shake out.

Not tonight.

I'm wearing really
bad underwear.

Take 'em off. Go
skinless, boneless.

Ew.

What were you doing
right before this froze?

Uh, let's see. I clicked
out of Explorer,

I checked my mailbox
and then I opened MS Word.

Oh, and then
I spilled my soup.

Aaron, I know what
our business should be.

I was standing in line
at this food truck,

and I got this
awesome idea.

Food truck.

Okay, Ben, I never actually
agreed to loan you the money.

Come on. I found this
used truck for 2,500 bucks.

Aaron, you got to
trust me on this one.

There's two things
I know about--

macaroni and cheese.

And I finally
perfected my recipe.

Come on, plane goes
in the hangar.

(imitating plane engine)
Uh-uh.

(imitating engine revving)

Hmm?

(muffled)
Hmm?

(muffled)
...unbelievable.

Is this Gouda?
Uh-uh.

Mm, mm.

Riley, what do you want?

FITZ:
I hate the Internet.
Oh.

I hate it.

Hey, you guys remember
that chick Corinne

who I dated two months ago?
No.

Yeah, neither did I.

But pull up Chi-Town's 20 Most
Doable Bachelors. Dot-org.

Now she has rated
everyone she's slept with.

And she put me ninth.

Man, that's like saying Jordan

is the ninth best
basketball player,

or Franken Berry
is the ninth

best monster cereal.
No way.

She really harshes on
your spanking technique.

I know. She has put me on blast

in front
of the entire sex community.

I'm going to take
Corinne out again,

and re-bone her
flawlessly.

Handle it.
Mm-hmm.

Hang on.
I'll head down with you.

Hey, just out
of curiosity,

who's number one?

Some ass hat named
Colin Zabrowski.

So, um, you're backing me?

Oh, I am backing you.

Thanks, buddy!

Austin that was the best date
since ever.

I mean, you listened, you had
interesting things to say.

And when I laugh at your jokes,
I'm actually laughing.

Well, the one about
the 12-inch pianist,

it was kind of a layup.

Sara...

SARA:
Uh-oh.

I need to talk to
you about something.

I knew it.

I make up my mind that I like
him, he wants to break up.

The story of my life.

You see, I'm on antidepressants.

God, that makes me so happy.

I'm sorry.
Was that insensitive?

No, no, no, no, no.

It can just sometimes make
the physical stuff, uh...

challenging.

I wanted to say that upfront.

Challenge is my middle name.

Unless you want to buy me
a locket or something,

then it's Emily.

(sighs)

Sorry it took so long.

Sorry you didn't,
you know...

How's it going, buddy?

Ta-da.

Or should I say, ta-dow!

Yeah, I got this
baby super cheap.

Okay, listen, I made a list
of action items, okay?

Hey, these are things you've got to
take care of before you get started.

Also I got you
a fanny pack.

Because hipsters steal.

That's how they afford
all those tiny sweaters.

Now I've been
crunching some numbers,

and I think we might actually
be profitable by Q3.

According to my
regression theory,

we got to treat this thing

like rock-a-roni, rock-a-roni,
rock-a-roni,

rock-a-roni,
rock-a-roni.

So, Corinne,

I was wondering if you were
planning on doing any blogging.

'Cause after last night,
I have a feeling

I am no longer
ninth on your list.

Yeah, I was thinking of
moving you up to eight.

Eight? That's it?

You moved up a slot.
You should be proud.

There's a lot of
competition out there.

What's a guy got to do
to get to number one?

Me. Better.

No friggin' way.

Oh, gosh.

I am so lost.

Hey.

Business is booming.

I've always
wanted to say that.

Mm, gimme.

Oh, okay.

Mm.

Hand me that helmet.

Mm-hmm.
Thank you.

So I did it with Austin.
Oh?

And it was, uh, well,

the kindest word
would be problematic.

Couldn't get things
off the ground?

They got off the ground.

Oh, Speedy Gonzales.

More like Eeyore
on antidepressants

having sex with me.
It was endless.

I mean,
it started out normally.

But after about 45 minutes,

I started to think who else

in Chicago is having
sex right now.

And are they taking this long?

And then I really started
to hate those people.

Those lucky post-orgasmic
bastards.

And then the chafing started.

Sorry.

I got to stop.

Whoo.

He's on these meds
and they delay things.

I mean, he's got game.
It's not like he's a slacker.

It's just infinite.

Well, can he stop
taking the antidepressants?

He tried that.

What am I going to do?

I had to skip
spin class this morning.

Well, if it were me,
I would totally bail,

but you're not me,
you're you.

And you always say
talk about it openly

and without judgment,
so there you go.

You know what?

I'm right.
I'm going to talk to him.

Ow.

Hey, that's my underwear!

Yeah.

Hey, macaroni man.

So...

when do you close up?

Oh.

(loud banging)

Have you been selling
food out of this vehicle?

Uh...

I'm afraid I'm going to have to
shut you down until you get a permit.

What? No...

Oh, and you're going
to have to pay this fine.

$1,000?!

(groans)

Can you believe this?

I mean, I'm just trying
to feed hungry people.

If I was in India doing this,
I'd be like the Gandhi of there.

Freeze!

Give me my fanny pack,
hipster!

(panting)

Wow.

You are number one.

So that was... better.

No, it wasn't, Sara.

It took forever.

I had a buzz cut
when we started.

Flowers bloomed and died.

Monkeys turned into people.

Is it me?

Am I turning you off?

No, no, it's not you.

It's this stupid medication.

Well, I for one,
am not giving up.

What can I do to help?

You've already done so much.

God, I am such a loser.

No, no, no, no, no.

The penis does not respond
well to negative self talk.

Let's tackle this thing.

That is... so cool.

All right.

Well, maybe it would help
if things got a little...

...spicier?

God, uh, this is embarrassing.

You know...

dirtier.

I can do dirty.

Good morning, class.

Uh, Ms. Maxwell...

I've been a very
bad student.

Is-is there any way I can
earn some extra credit?

Looks like someone
didn't read his syllabus.

(train chugging slowly)

SARA:
That's right.

That is going to earn you
a gold star.

(sighs)

Okay, it's time
to finish, Austin.

Please finish.

(sound of train braking)

Did you finish?
Yeah.

Really?

No.

(train resumes chugging)

Check it out.
Dude!

I've been up all night.

I have re-worked the Web site.

I have tricked out
the Rock-a-Roni Twitter feed.

You can see where
the truck is going,

and I've even added a quiz
that says "What cheese am I?"

I happen to be Gruyère.
Who would have thought?

Good hustle.

But first, some minor hiccups
in the ka-ching department.

$5,000 for the permit,

$1,000 for the ticket because
we didn't have a permit...

Oh, and $20 for the fanny pack
to replace the stolen one

that had, like,
600 bucks in it.

(groans)
Bills, bills, bills.

No.

Yeah, don't you wish we could
just tell them "no"?

But we can't.
You got to pay it, dude,

or else you'll be tweeting
"No more macaroni truck."

I can still tweet
"No more macaroni truck,"

because that's
what's going to happen.

'Cause I'm out. I am done.

I'm not giving you
another cent.

Why not?
You're rich.

Ten grand to you
is like ten bucks to me.

Uh-huh. And it was a mistake
to give you that.

You know what? It's almost
like you don't believe in me.

It's exactly
like that.

It's like, I believe in you
to pick up hot girls,

or beat me at Wii bowling,

or manage my fantasy
football team.

But it's like
I don't believe in you

when it comes
to running a business.

Because you're too much
of a child, Ben.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah, yeah.

Why don't you tell that to me
in your action figure room?

That room is vacuum-sealed,
Ben! You know that!

Yeah, and so is your heart,

which is why
this partnership's over.

(sighs)

Yes, it is.

Guess I'll go move my truck now.

Probably a good idea, 'cause
your truck's getting a ticket.

What?

Ah...

Wow.

This is even good cold.

Well, enjoy it now because
this is the end of Rock-a-Roni.

Can you believe
Aaron said all that?

Well...

What? You agree with him?

Well...

Say more words!

You can't just wake up one day

and say, "I'm successful."

I mean, you can say it, but...

you're still watching
Jersey Shore in your underwear.

If the macaroni truck

is something you want,
you have to put in the work.

(groans)

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

Well, at least you can
do something about your thing.

My thing is like...
(groans)

Oh, is this, like, a "Houston,
we have a problem" situation?

Austin. And I don't know.

Well, you just have to decide
if this guy's worth it or not.

♪ Tell me I belong ♪

♪ You are
the sweetest thing to me ♪

♪ Say that I'm not wrong ♪

♪ You have the sweetest thing
for me ♪

♪ Say... ♪

He made it so I could record
one thing in the living room

and then watch it in my bedroom.

I don't have to re-TiVo.

Oh, if I had two rooms, I
would totally love that.

Well,

I guess it's time
for both of us to work for it.

Really?

Oh, no, no. I washed it

before all the...
I did.

(sighs)

It was seriously
the best sex I've ever had.

And that includes
Sting and Mrs. Sting.

Well, they're European.

Of course they're
going to be better.

I get that I am not
the best in the world.

I have even come to terms

with not being the
best in America.

Oh, good.
You have perspective.

But Chicago?

With Barack in DC,
I got to be the man!

You don't just wake up
and be the man.

You think I got so good
just sitting around the house?

No.
I'm out there every weekend,

working on my game, trying to
be the best I can possibly be.

You know what?
You're right, Riley.

But I can't do it on my own.

I need you to give me
some details,

so I can use this man's
strengths against him

like in judo.

Fine.

We're going
to need a dry erase board,

a rope, three planks of wood

and an Italian/English
dictionary.

Done.

And I talked to my urologist
friend at the hospital,

and he said it might
help you to finish

if we took fun,
sexy time-outs

while we're having sex.

I have never met anyone
so determined.

But-But this is my problem.

You're amazing.

So why don't I look
into some new medication?

Until then,
we'll put a clock on it.

If I'm not done
in an hour,

we'll take a break.

Or, uh...

if you prefer,

I can always fake it.

(phone chiming)

Break.

Really?

(chiming stops)

All right, we got
Real Housewives

Beverly Hills,
Atlanta or New York.

Take your pick.

You're planting
your left foot too late.

You're not going
to have enough momentum

to flip me upside down.

Okay. Let me try again.

And... go!

(grunts)
(groans)

I do not accept defeat.

Let's take it
from the top.

(groaning)

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Sunshine ♪

♪ It's a beautiful day ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Sunshine ♪

♪ It's a beautiful day ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Sunshine ♪

♪ It's a beautiful day ♪

♪ It's
a beautiful day ♪

(phone chiming)

♪ It's a beautiful day... ♪

(chiming stops)

You got it?

Yes!

(thud)

Ooh.

Wow.

Yeah.

Please tell me
you weren't faking it.

Hey.

Hey.

So, um, you know...

Yeah. I know.

Yeah.
I got you.

But hey, man,
excellent work on the truck.

It looks fantastic.

Thank you.

But, uh,

I think you are
still missing one thing.

I got the frickin' permit!

I'm talking
about music, dude.

I got you
a record player.

Oh...

A lot of food trucks
out there,

now you can be the only one

that plays real
rock music on real vinyl.

This is amazing. I mean...

The only problem is I sold
my frickin' collection

last night to
get the permit.

You know what? I knew that.

Which is why this morning...

What?
Hey, guys.

...I bought it back for you.

What?

I don't even know
what to say.

Thank you.

Dude, I look at it
as a can't-lose investment.

Thanks, buddy.

(groans)

(moans)

You're the best.

You're the best.

I know. I know.

(gasps)
Yes!

Yes!

Mmm.
(chuckles)

Oh...

I could not have
done it without you.

You had the power
inside you all the time.

Thank you,
Obi-Wan "Keboni."

(chuckles)

(knocking at door)

BEN:
♪ It's Benjamin. ♪

Hey.
Hey.

So, I just came over
to thank you.

You know, you really
inspired me to turn it around

with my "biz-nass."

Yeah?
Yeah.

The truck's all squared away.

I got a fresh new coat of paint.

Rock-a-Roni is
actually rockin'.

That's fantastic.
Yeah.

Mmm. And I got
to thank you.

After we talked, I
put in a real effort

with Austin, and it
paid off big-time.

Good.
Big-time.

Big-time. You
know what I mean?

You know, I didn't before,
but I think I get it now.

So that's...
Hey, but how cool.

Hey, look at us,
turning things around.

Huh? Why don't
we celebrate?

I brought beer.

Wow.

Um, I'd love to, but...

Actually, I was on
my way out the door.

I have plans with Austin.

Oh, yeah. Um...

rain check?

Totally.
Okay.

So, I will see
you around, then.

Okay.
Hey.

That's great
about your new business.

I'm really proud of you.

Thanks. Oh, it's great
about, um, Austin.

(sighs, door closes)

(sighs)

I just want to go back in time
and shake Mr. Macaroni's hand.

Yeah.
Dude. Dude!

That's the hipster girl

who stole my
first fanny pack.

What do we do?

Mm-mm-mmm.
What would Will Smith do?

Oh... I don't know.
I don't know.

But I saw a thing
on Anderson Cooper.

He made a citizen's arrest.

Okay, okay.
Well, Anderson is the only one

cooler than Will Smith,
so...

Okay. Follow my lead.

(both shouting)

(screaming)
Aah! Freeze!
You're under citizen's arrest!

Get on the ground,
creeper!

(yelling)

Dude, dude. Wrong hipster.
What would A.C. do now?

Run?