Friends from College (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
Five, six, seven, eight.
-Oh, shit!
-OK. It's all right, hon.
That was the third time
you messed up that part.
It's fine. It's fine.
It's just that's... so many.
You know, I'm a bad dancer.
Why do we have
to turn our wedding into a talent show?
You know what? Forget it. Just forget it.
-What is going on with you?
-[sighs] I'm just--
-It's the engagement party.
-Oh, this again?
I don't know why
I invited all those people.
Ethan and Sam, and Lisa and Nick,
and Marianne.
All together in the same place
for the first time since Sam's 40th.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Why'd you let me do that?
-Me?
-Yes!
You know you treat me like a prince, hon.
You indulge my every whim.
All of his straight married friends
were sleeping with each other.
It was very scandalous.
-Oh! Did you know?
-I did not know!
Two words: epic shitshow.
People did not like it.
So why would you invite them?
All right. You know what, hon, I just--
I don't want anyone to ruin our
engagement party with all their baggage.
Most of them still
aren't even speaking to each other.
It's going to be fine.
They're your best friends for some reason.
You're right. You're right.
-They are really great people.
-Well, I didn't say that, but...
they do love you.
They're going to be
on their best behavior.
-Guys, you ready?
-Yeah.
All right, let's take it from the top.
-[dance music playing]
-Five, six, seven, eight...
[woman] Five and six and seven and eight.
And go, two, three, four.
And go, six and seven and eight.
♪ Maybe I didn't treat you ♪
-♪ Quite as good as I should ♪
-Two, three, four. Body roll! Body roll!
And hug.
♪ Maybe I didn't love you ♪
Spin.
-♪ Quite as often as I could ♪
-Three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
-And spin.
-♪ Little things ♪
♪ I should have said and done ♪
-♪ I never took the time ♪
-Up, up, back, and up.
-On her mind. On her mind.
-♪ You were always on my mind ♪
And slide.
-♪ You were always on my mind ♪
-Yes.
♪ Maybe I didn't hold you ♪
♪ All those lonely, lonely times ♪
♪ And I guess I never told you ♪
♪ I'm so happy that you're mine ♪
♪ If I made you fee second best ♪
♪ I'm so sorry I was blind ♪
♪ You were always on my mind ♪
♪ You were always on my mind ♪
♪ Tell me ♪
♪ Tell me
That your sweet love hasn't died ♪
♪ Give me ♪
♪ One more chance to keep you satisfied ♪
-Hey.
-Hey.
-You ready?
-Yes.
-Let's get this meeting going?
-Yeah, man?
Let's hear
what those marketing folks have to say.
I cannot wait for people
to read Equestriana.
-You still like that for the title?
-Yeah, yeah.
Equestriana?
You've already given us pure gold
with your story.
Now we just want everybody to love it
-as much as we love it.
-Yeah.
Thank you so much. I'm very excited about
getting Equestriana out into the world.
Uh, well, actually you bring up
an interesting point here.
-I do?
-We're finding through our research
that the title "Equestriana"
isn't quite resonating
with our teen-girl audience.
Or our female audience.
Okay. Wha-- What about boys?
Boys don't read.
-Hm-mm. No.
-No.
But we've been doing some testing
and here we go.
WHO READS YOUNG ADULT?
BOY HORSE
[Max] Stop it.
Oh, my gosh.
-I know. I love this one.
-That's just-- You nailed it.
[chuckles] Thank you.
-"Boy Horse"?
-Simple.
I'm sorry, I'm the only one
that hears the problem?
Boy Horse? Boy Horse...
Boy Horse. I don't hear. Do you--
Boy Whores, Max.
-Oh.
-Oh.
-That's not the books.
-We don't want that.
I'm sorry, um...
Why does he have the face of a child
and the body of a full-grown male?
And he's got treasure trail.
[woman] No, it's not a treasure trail.
That's just a horse fur.
[Ethan] I'm pretty sure
those are human pubes.
No, if those were pubes,
they would be on the back two legs.
-Be leading to the back two legs.
-Right.
-Where the d-- the penis is.
-Right.
I don't know.
I think, you know, the suggestion
of a pube is not the worst thing.
-Not the worst thing.
-It tests very highly.
We have numbers on that.
-Yeah.
-You'd be surprised.
-On pubic hair?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Absolutely.
You just got to let them do what they do.
All right? You're the writer,
they're the sales team.
You write the book
and they'll figure out how to sell it.
I-- I got the invite
to your engagement party.
Yes. Yes, should be good times.
Should be really fun.
We invited Lisa.
Okay. Okay. Mm-hmm.
-Uh... she has not RSVP'd yet.
-She doesn't respond to my emails either.
So if you happen to hear from her,
ask her if we're still married.
No one's heard from her.
Uh, I wouldn't take it personally.
-It might be a little personal with me.
-Yeah, I can see that.
-Yeah.
-Uh...
Sam's coming.
Mm-hmm.
So, you know, she'll be there.
Cool. Looking forward to hanging.
So you know, just, um...
don't fuck her. [chuckles]
At least not on my engagement party.
Whatever, again, I think, uh...
But... not at my thing.
I'll call you and we'll do something soon.
-I'd love to, yeah. 'Cause, bro, I am--
-[cell phone buzzing]
I am open.
-[chuckles] I bet.
-I'm open, you know.
Hey, babe.
Oh, I got them. They look beautiful.
[Max]
We should go and take a look at them.
[man] Hey, man.
Chili's ready.
[Sam] Oh, hey!
Where have you been?
Oh, God. I've been training.
Just did 13 miles.
Oh, what happened to your leg?
Oh, right, uh...
I fell so good.
Uh, are you okay?
'Cause, you know, we're suppose to--
[blender whirs]
-What?
-We're supposed to go to Max and--
No, I'm kidding.
I'm sorry that we have to go
to this party and see everybody.
Oh, no. That's what
all the couples' therapy is for.
And at the end of the day,
it's just a few hours, right?
Baby, I mean you know that--
I'll try this.
Mm. Mm. Mm.
Mm.
-Look, I just want you to know--
-Whoa! Brainfreeze! [chuckles]
You know, you don't have
to come tonight, right?
[chuckles] No, I ain't letting you
to go to this thing alone. Hmm-mm.
[Jon chuckles]
[indistinct speech over P.A.]
-Excuse me, is this seat taken?
-Sit down, fucking sit down. Sit down.
[Jon] I wish I had time to cool down.
I'm sweating in this jacket.
You know, my leg cramps after ten miles.
Um... let's-- Let's go to another part.
Sweety, there's two seats.
Here, right by-- Here, together.
Come on.
[Jon] Come on.
You lucked out. Come on, right here.
-Look at this. Sweet!
-[Sam] Okay. [sighs]
Yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
Why--
Oh, my God!
We're all on the same train!
What are the chances?
[Sam] What? Oh... [chuckles]
-Hi, everyone.
-Oh, my gosh. I didn't see you guys there.
-I didn't see any of you.
-Hi, everyone.
-That's--
-Hi!
Oh, excuse me, sir.
Would you mind changing seats with me?
-No.
-It's okay, not necessary.
Yeah, I don't wanna inconvenience
anybody, Marianne, so it's fine.
-I'd be happy to move.
-Stay the fuck down.
-Don't you fucking go.
-[Marianne] Ah!
-Come on, Nick.
-Okay.
-I'm so...
-Okay.
Good!
-Hi!
-Hi. Hi. It's fun. It's fun.
[Marianne] Ah!
[indistinct speech over P.A.]
Marianne, do you have
any plays coming up, or--
[Marianne] Um...
Have you guys heard of Shakespeare
in the Park? [clicks tongue]
-Yeah.
-Oh, wow!
Wow, that's great!
-I'm gonna audition.
-Good luck.
-Ah! Ow!
-Are you okay? Are you okay?
Out, get out!
I mean, my leg is cramping. God damn it.
I got it. No big deal.
Marathon, running a marathon. Okay.
I'll walk it out.
My God.
I haven't seen you in, like, forever.
-Yeah.
-Have you been living under a rock?
I've been, you know, lying low.
Got a weird roommate, finished my book.
It's, uh... It's about centaurs.
Oh, okay. Is that the half-bull thing?
That's a minotaur.
That's a common mistake.
-Yeah, centaurs are half man, half goat.
-Oh, no, that's a satyr.
-Half man, half goat is a faun.
-I think that fawn is a baby deer.
Oh, babies...
That's fawn, F-A-W-N,
I'm talking faun, F-A-U-N.
I briefly majored in folk and myth,
remember?
-Oh.
-Forgot you were a goth weirdo.
Uh-- [mumbles]
So, what's your book called?
The working title is... Boy Horse.
Well, you know, write what you know.
[all laugh]
Come back! Come back.
[clears throat]
[Jon sighs]
Have you talked to Lisa?
-Have you talked to Lisa?
-No, I haven't. I haven't.
Have you talked to Lisa?
-No.
-Oh, my God.
-I haven't talked to her either.
-Jesus fucking Christ.
Oh, my gosh!
-Hey!
-Oh, my God, this is so nice.
-That is so nice,
-Did you guys come here all together?
That is the best present ever!
Hey, Nick!
Hey, buddy.
Oh, hi! [chuckles]
-Good to see you, too.
-How are you?
Hi.
Max was afraid you
were all gonna to cause a scene
and I told him that wouldn't happen
under any circumstances.
Code of silence, Felix. Code of silence.
-Oh.
-That's right.
-Hey, is Fun Eithan gonna be here tonight?
-No, he's dead and buried.
Do you have a cooler
where I could store my broccoli water?
I'm on a very strict diet.
Jon, your pant is all bloody.
Oh, yeah, I'm training for a marathon.
I tripped over a boy on my run.
Oh, my God, you didn't tell me that.
-Is the boy okay?
-Well, I don't tell you everything either.
And, yeah, I think so. [laughs]
All right, well, why don't we go try to
find a room where we can put your...
special jar, okay?
-Okay.
-Yes!
-Let's go.
-Thank you.
[Jon] Sounds good.
Whoa! Oh, my God, is that Merrill Morgan?
What's she doing here?
I'm representing
her new lifestyle tell-all.
-Really?
-What she ever done
that requires her to write a tell-all?
Uh, she just got divorced from that
drug-addicted Rockefeller or Carnegie.
Not sure. Also has recipes.
It's gonna sell like hot cakes.
-Good.
-Oh, my God, is Nick in it?
Uh... I don't know.
Max, is there a chapter on best lays?
No, the book
does not go back to the late 90's.
[laughs]
Why does she always calls you Ames?
Is that like a WASP thing?
-Uh, yeah. Do you feel excluded?
-Yeah, I do.
Well, then it's working.
-Congratulations, Max.
-Miss Morgan.
Beautiful party.
I feel so fortunate to be a part
of your big moment.
[Max] Of course!
Ames?
-Haven't seen you in such a long time.
-Hey, Gorgeous.
You look amazing.
Oh. It's like a full-time job
when you reach my age.
[all laugh]
I'm Merrill Morgan.
I'm Sam. We were in class together.
Oh. Sorry, of course. Now I remember.
-Uh, Merrill Morgan.
-Oh, Ethan Turner.
-We were also in class together.
-Excellent.
This is like a little reunion.
What a blast!
-Merrill Morgan.
-No, thank you.
What?
Wow, she can carry that, huh?
[Marianne] Okay, I can tell you
as a professional performer,
she's overdoing the face stuff.
Yeah, but if she brings
that much passion to her violin,
think how much passion
-she'd bring to my bow.
-Ew.
[chuckles]
[Jon] Wow.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Oh, my God. It's Lisa.
-I thought you said she didn't RSVP.
-She didn't. I swear.
I'm just as surprised as you are.
-She's with someone.
-I see that. We can all see this.
-They're walking towards us.
-I know.
Okay, stop narrating.
None of us are blind.
Hey, everyone!
-Hi.
-Hi!
Hello, handsome.
-Oh, Maxie.
-Lisa!
You look so fantastic, so trim!
-Thank you.
-I am so happy for you guys.
Congratulations!
Marianne, I love your hair!
-Oh, thanks.
-Oh, Nick, buddy!
I'd recognize you anywhere. [chuckles]
And Sam you are here.
-Hi.
-Hi!
-Hi, Lisa.
-Hi, Ethan!
Ethan, this is Charlie.
-Charlie, this is Ethan.
-Pleasure.
Hi, nice to mate you. Nice to meet you.
Nice to mate you?
-This is-- Charlie's my new fella.
-Hi, everyone.
It's really nice
to put some names to faces.
So, uh... Charlie, what do you do, bro?
I'm a lawyer, too.
Habeas corpus,
you know what I'm saying, bro?
-Sorr-- What?
-Hmm?
Um, how did you two meet?
Oh. [laughs]
It's a really funny story. So, um...
we used to work together
and we both worked on the same floor.
So...
That is so funny.
Well--
It was fantastic. Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the suckling pig is now ready. Follow me.
-[chuckles]
-[Felix] Follow me.
Um, Ethan, I'm getting the vibe
that this thing could explode.
So I just want everyone to remember
that this is my engagement party
and I would be so, so sad.
Okay?
Okay. Fantastic.
She is saying that a lot.
-She is, yes, but it's your day.
-So many times.
It's gonna be fine. It's your day.
Let's take a deep breath and enjoy.
We just kept walking... [laughs]
I haven't seen her in so long
and I want to talk to her,
but I'm so nervous.
Oh, you should talk to her.
You guys were such good friends.
This is the perfect place to make amends.
Right.
Do it.
I go to go get her ginger ale,
-and then you came back and went to--
-[Marianne] Lisa, hi.
So great to see you.
I've really missed you.
Oh! Uh, Marianne, this is Charlie.
Charlie, this is Marianne.
Yeah, we just met inside.
Yeah. She was my best friend.
And then I found out she knew
about the whole thing all along,
but she never got around
to mentioning it to me. [chuckles]
-Maybe it slipped your mind.
-Hello again. [chuckles]
Well, um, I was stuck in the middle,
and I didn't know what to do.
And I love both you and Sam.
And I know what I did was wrong, but...
it wasn't the worst thing.
Oh, right. It was not the worst thing.
You were not the worst person
in the whole thing.
Oh, that must be
such a weight off your shoulders.
Eesh.
Hey, um...
It's great-- great to see you.
Bye. Bye.
Oh, uh...
Your, uh, boys are watching us.
-[Lisa] Oh, yeah?
-[Charles] Yeah.
-Oh, one's coming.
-Which one?
Bald one.
Don't leave me under
any circumstances, okay?
-Hey, Lisa. Uh...
-Hey!
Can, uh... Can I just grab
a couple minutes to talk to you?
Mm-hmm.
-Would you...
-Oh, I'm sorry, man.
I would love to leave, as you can imagine,
but she asked me not to.
-So...
-Yeah.
Okay, I see.
What's going on?
Well, you haven't responded
to my emails or texts or...
phone calls or letters.
-Letters?
-Which is your prerogative.
-Correct.
-Uh... okay, well, um...
We have to split up our things.
We have to figure out our finances
and we have to figure out
if and when we are doing
something official about our marriage
or, more likely, lack thereof.
And, um, you think
that Max's engagement party
is the place that we should
be talking about this?
Okay, well,
I'm just looking for a time to--
I'm just looking for a time to meet.
-And it can be brief.
-Well, sure.
-Great.
-Great.
Great.
So I'll give you a call then.
You will answer. [chuckles]
Okay.
So have you heard from Bonnie?
Yes, she and Ted are still Stonington.
Do you keep up with Suzi?
She and Walker got divorced
a couple years ago,
but Pru made the America's Cup team.
Mm. Oh, that's fantastic.
TZ must be over the moon.
-Yeah.
-How's Tilly?
Uh, Divorced Coop, married Francis.
She's a lesbian now?
-No, Van Nostrand, not Von Kohorn.
-[laughs]
[laughs] Oh, my God!
I was about to say.
-Can you Imagine?
-No!
The two of them
at the yacht club on the Vineyard?
-That would have gone over well.
-Poor thing would've died!
It's not even possible.
I want to thank you all for coming
and for making the trip out from the city.
I can't tell you
how much it warms our hearts
to see all of you,
our oldest friends, here...
celebrating together...
side by side, arm in arm...
as you always have and you always will.
And I just want to give a shout-out
to all my boys from the John's Hopkins
Department of Obstetrics,
the bad boys of the baby ward. Ooh, ooh!
[all] Ooh, ooh!
Oh, also, my mom wants to say something.
So if you could all give a warm welcome
to my mother, Martha Adler.
-Yeah!
-[applause]
-Hey!
-[man] Yeah!
You know, when Max
first blew it with Felix,
I was so mad at him.
But thank God, he had the good sense
to beg him to take him back.
-[laughter]
-It didn't happen exactly like that, Mom.
Yes, it did.
[Martha] Yes, it did.
Maybe it did. Maybe it did.
Hopefully, they don't cheat on each other.
Uh-huh.
You know, it does happen, and...
it's pretty hard to come back
from when it does.
Especially when you got kids...
[chuckles] Oh!
[whispers] Stop it.
[Jon] Sure.
Thank you.
[indistinct chatter]
Thanks.
WHERE TO?
HOME
[sighs]
[Sam] Come on.
Sam?
Sam?
Sam!
-[Nick] By "bow" I mean dick--
-Have you guys seen Sam?
I-- I can't find her.
-Uh... no.
-No.
-Sam!
-Sam!
Sam!
Sam!
-[Nick] Sam!
-[Marianne] Sam!
-Well, I guess we should split up.
-Yeah, all right.
Ethan and I'll go this way,
you go that way?
I'm not going to go alone.
That's what I said.
You and I will go together.
-All right.
-And you go that way.
[Marianne] Sam!
[Ethan] Sam!
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
-Sam!
-Shh, shh, shh.
What's happening? Are you all right?
[mouthing] There is a skunk.
I can't-- There's a skunk!
There's a skunk!
-There's a skunk! Sam, watch out!
-[Sam screaming]
Skunk! Skunk, Sam!
Oh, my God! There's a skunk!
-Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God!
Oh. Oh.
Oh, what is wrong with you?
It was starting to walk away!
I was... ugh...
quietly handling this situation.
I just saw the skunk
and I didn't know if you saw the skunk
and I was like, "Skunk!" And then it--
You're right! You handled it perfectly!
-I'm so sorry.
-Oh, jeez.
Listen, I'm sorry about everything
is what I'm saying.
I-- I didn't picture it like this,
but I just owe you an apology, okay?
I know you didn't want me to tell Lisa,
but I was making her crazy.
I had to.
I just had to tell her, Sam, okay?
We're doing it now? Are you kidding me?
Look. Look, it was for the best, OK?
It forced me to tell John, I mean,
we both made this mess, it's just--
Pfft.
I mean, it sucks that it's always
the woman that gets the stink.
Oh, God, I'm--
It's good to see you again.
[sighs]
You too.
I think it's going really well so far.
[laughs, coughs]
Oh, God. Please don't make me
breathe out of my nose.
Sam, are you all right?
-Oh, Jesus!
-Oh!
Whoa!
Oh, my God. Did you get sprayed by skunk?
Oh, my God. You two
are never getting that stink off you.
-Don't we know it.
-I have a change of clothes if that helps.
Oh, jeez.
[all gagging]
[softly] Ew.
-Ew.
-Is that the way you puke?
-Ew.
-Oh, why are you so adorable?
-[Marianne] I'm so sorry.
-Honestly, apologizing makes it worse.
Oh, my God. You fucking reek.
My eyes are burning.
-Hey!
-Hey.
Making your getaway?
Change of clothes for Sam.
Ah.
I swear I didn't hire the skunk.
Sure. But it still deserves
a tip, though, right?
-Oh, a big one. [chuckles]
-Yeah.
So, how has your year been?
Good. New boyfriend seems kind of random.
Thank you.
It's actually kind of nice dating someone
outside the blast radius of all this.
Yeah, been there.
Yeah. Charlie is really nice.
Yeah, yeah. No, he seems like a guy.
How's Merrill Morgan?
Thinking about taking a dip
in the family gene pool again?
I mean, maybe. I might.
She gave me her number.
-Oh.
-It was very sexy.
Plus, your ancestors
were on a Mayflower together.
Mm... I don't know about that.
That's a little more my speed.
-[Lisa chuckles] Really?
-Mm-hmm.
You haven't outgrown that yet?
I mean, if she's that passionate
about her violin,
think about how passionate
she'd be with my bow.
How many times
have you done that bit today?
Three and a half thousand.
-[chuckles]
-If it ain't broke...
Hey, Marianne.
Uh...
It's safe.
[stammers]
I'm so sorry and...
I just missed you so much.
[sighs]
Yeah, I missed you, too.
Aw.
-Now watch and learn.
-[Lisa] Okay.
-Oh, the violinist?
-Yeah. [sighs]
How does that still work?
You gotta be very--
You gotta be very gentle with it.
Wow.
-Gonna take off.
-[Felix] Thank you.
-Lovely to see you.
-You too.
-Congratulations.
-I'm so glad you came!
-Waiting for the big day.
-All the best, you guys.
I'll see you soon. Bye.
-It was a pleasure.
-Thank you.
-I'll see you at the wedding.
-Yes. I love gay weddings.
It's gonna be fun.
It's just a wedding.
-Bye.
-Regular wedding.
All right, Max, I'm heading out, buddy.
-I'm so glad you came.
-I'm so glad you did this.
-Felix.
-Ethan. Thank you.
-I'm so happy for you guys!
-I'm so glad you came!
-Thank you.
-Oh, my gosh.
-You are just so tall.
-Yes. [chuckles]
So, how much did all of this cost?
-Thank you so much for coming.
-Dudes!
-Hey!
-[Nick] Dudes!
Aw!
-Congrats! Love you guys.
-Love you, man.
-So happy for you.
-So glad you came. Thank you.
-I'll see you at the wedding.
-For sure.
Okay, good.
-You ready?
-Yeah.
-Bye!
-We made it.
[sighs]
-Okay. We did it!
-We did it.
-It wasn't so terrible.
-No.
-You were great, hon.
-Thanks, you too.
-I love you.
-I love you, babe.
Why would someone ask
how much this thing cost?
That's like the most fucked-up question.
[scoffs]
They're terrible.
[sighs]
Agh.
[groans]
Pee-ew. Agh.
Agh.
Okay, listen...
It is one thing to punish me...
but you have started to punish people
who aren't even involved.
Oh.
-So now it's all my fault?
-No.
Mm.
We've been working on this
for a year and...
and you still seem...
very angry.
Of course I am.
Uh, what would you expect
after you make me come to this party?
I told you that you didn't have to come.
Maybe I shouldn't have.
After seeing Ethan...
and all those other clowns,
I don't know if I can do this.
What-- What are you saying?
I don't think
I'm ever gonna get over this.
And I think we should get a divorce.
I can-- Excuse me.
[woman] Oh, agh.
[woman] What is that smell?
[sighs]
♪ Oh, we were born
Within an hour of each other ♪
♪ Our mothers said
We could be sister and brother ♪
♪ Your name is Deborah
Deborah♪
♪ It never suited ya ♪
♪ And they said that when we grew up ♪
♪ We'd get married
And never split up ♪
♪ Oh, we never did it ♪
♪ Although I often thought of it ♪
♪ Oh, Deborah, do you recall? ♪
♪ Your house was very small ♪
♪ with wood chip on the wall ♪
♪ When I came 'round to call ♪
♪ You didn't notice me at all ♪
♪ And I said
Let's all meet up in the year 2000 ♪
♪ Won't it be strange
When we're all fully grown ♪
♪ Be there, two o'clock ♪
-Oh, shit!
-OK. It's all right, hon.
That was the third time
you messed up that part.
It's fine. It's fine.
It's just that's... so many.
You know, I'm a bad dancer.
Why do we have
to turn our wedding into a talent show?
You know what? Forget it. Just forget it.
-What is going on with you?
-[sighs] I'm just--
-It's the engagement party.
-Oh, this again?
I don't know why
I invited all those people.
Ethan and Sam, and Lisa and Nick,
and Marianne.
All together in the same place
for the first time since Sam's 40th.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Why'd you let me do that?
-Me?
-Yes!
You know you treat me like a prince, hon.
You indulge my every whim.
All of his straight married friends
were sleeping with each other.
It was very scandalous.
-Oh! Did you know?
-I did not know!
Two words: epic shitshow.
People did not like it.
So why would you invite them?
All right. You know what, hon, I just--
I don't want anyone to ruin our
engagement party with all their baggage.
Most of them still
aren't even speaking to each other.
It's going to be fine.
They're your best friends for some reason.
You're right. You're right.
-They are really great people.
-Well, I didn't say that, but...
they do love you.
They're going to be
on their best behavior.
-Guys, you ready?
-Yeah.
All right, let's take it from the top.
-[dance music playing]
-Five, six, seven, eight...
[woman] Five and six and seven and eight.
And go, two, three, four.
And go, six and seven and eight.
♪ Maybe I didn't treat you ♪
-♪ Quite as good as I should ♪
-Two, three, four. Body roll! Body roll!
And hug.
♪ Maybe I didn't love you ♪
Spin.
-♪ Quite as often as I could ♪
-Three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
-And spin.
-♪ Little things ♪
♪ I should have said and done ♪
-♪ I never took the time ♪
-Up, up, back, and up.
-On her mind. On her mind.
-♪ You were always on my mind ♪
And slide.
-♪ You were always on my mind ♪
-Yes.
♪ Maybe I didn't hold you ♪
♪ All those lonely, lonely times ♪
♪ And I guess I never told you ♪
♪ I'm so happy that you're mine ♪
♪ If I made you fee second best ♪
♪ I'm so sorry I was blind ♪
♪ You were always on my mind ♪
♪ You were always on my mind ♪
♪ Tell me ♪
♪ Tell me
That your sweet love hasn't died ♪
♪ Give me ♪
♪ One more chance to keep you satisfied ♪
-Hey.
-Hey.
-You ready?
-Yes.
-Let's get this meeting going?
-Yeah, man?
Let's hear
what those marketing folks have to say.
I cannot wait for people
to read Equestriana.
-You still like that for the title?
-Yeah, yeah.
Equestriana?
You've already given us pure gold
with your story.
Now we just want everybody to love it
-as much as we love it.
-Yeah.
Thank you so much. I'm very excited about
getting Equestriana out into the world.
Uh, well, actually you bring up
an interesting point here.
-I do?
-We're finding through our research
that the title "Equestriana"
isn't quite resonating
with our teen-girl audience.
Or our female audience.
Okay. Wha-- What about boys?
Boys don't read.
-Hm-mm. No.
-No.
But we've been doing some testing
and here we go.
WHO READS YOUNG ADULT?
BOY HORSE
[Max] Stop it.
Oh, my gosh.
-I know. I love this one.
-That's just-- You nailed it.
[chuckles] Thank you.
-"Boy Horse"?
-Simple.
I'm sorry, I'm the only one
that hears the problem?
Boy Horse? Boy Horse...
Boy Horse. I don't hear. Do you--
Boy Whores, Max.
-Oh.
-Oh.
-That's not the books.
-We don't want that.
I'm sorry, um...
Why does he have the face of a child
and the body of a full-grown male?
And he's got treasure trail.
[woman] No, it's not a treasure trail.
That's just a horse fur.
[Ethan] I'm pretty sure
those are human pubes.
No, if those were pubes,
they would be on the back two legs.
-Be leading to the back two legs.
-Right.
-Where the d-- the penis is.
-Right.
I don't know.
I think, you know, the suggestion
of a pube is not the worst thing.
-Not the worst thing.
-It tests very highly.
We have numbers on that.
-Yeah.
-You'd be surprised.
-On pubic hair?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Absolutely.
You just got to let them do what they do.
All right? You're the writer,
they're the sales team.
You write the book
and they'll figure out how to sell it.
I-- I got the invite
to your engagement party.
Yes. Yes, should be good times.
Should be really fun.
We invited Lisa.
Okay. Okay. Mm-hmm.
-Uh... she has not RSVP'd yet.
-She doesn't respond to my emails either.
So if you happen to hear from her,
ask her if we're still married.
No one's heard from her.
Uh, I wouldn't take it personally.
-It might be a little personal with me.
-Yeah, I can see that.
-Yeah.
-Uh...
Sam's coming.
Mm-hmm.
So, you know, she'll be there.
Cool. Looking forward to hanging.
So you know, just, um...
don't fuck her. [chuckles]
At least not on my engagement party.
Whatever, again, I think, uh...
But... not at my thing.
I'll call you and we'll do something soon.
-I'd love to, yeah. 'Cause, bro, I am--
-[cell phone buzzing]
I am open.
-[chuckles] I bet.
-I'm open, you know.
Hey, babe.
Oh, I got them. They look beautiful.
[Max]
We should go and take a look at them.
[man] Hey, man.
Chili's ready.
[Sam] Oh, hey!
Where have you been?
Oh, God. I've been training.
Just did 13 miles.
Oh, what happened to your leg?
Oh, right, uh...
I fell so good.
Uh, are you okay?
'Cause, you know, we're suppose to--
[blender whirs]
-What?
-We're supposed to go to Max and--
No, I'm kidding.
I'm sorry that we have to go
to this party and see everybody.
Oh, no. That's what
all the couples' therapy is for.
And at the end of the day,
it's just a few hours, right?
Baby, I mean you know that--
I'll try this.
Mm. Mm. Mm.
Mm.
-Look, I just want you to know--
-Whoa! Brainfreeze! [chuckles]
You know, you don't have
to come tonight, right?
[chuckles] No, I ain't letting you
to go to this thing alone. Hmm-mm.
[Jon chuckles]
[indistinct speech over P.A.]
-Excuse me, is this seat taken?
-Sit down, fucking sit down. Sit down.
[Jon] I wish I had time to cool down.
I'm sweating in this jacket.
You know, my leg cramps after ten miles.
Um... let's-- Let's go to another part.
Sweety, there's two seats.
Here, right by-- Here, together.
Come on.
[Jon] Come on.
You lucked out. Come on, right here.
-Look at this. Sweet!
-[Sam] Okay. [sighs]
Yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
Why--
Oh, my God!
We're all on the same train!
What are the chances?
[Sam] What? Oh... [chuckles]
-Hi, everyone.
-Oh, my gosh. I didn't see you guys there.
-I didn't see any of you.
-Hi, everyone.
-That's--
-Hi!
Oh, excuse me, sir.
Would you mind changing seats with me?
-No.
-It's okay, not necessary.
Yeah, I don't wanna inconvenience
anybody, Marianne, so it's fine.
-I'd be happy to move.
-Stay the fuck down.
-Don't you fucking go.
-[Marianne] Ah!
-Come on, Nick.
-Okay.
-I'm so...
-Okay.
Good!
-Hi!
-Hi. Hi. It's fun. It's fun.
[Marianne] Ah!
[indistinct speech over P.A.]
Marianne, do you have
any plays coming up, or--
[Marianne] Um...
Have you guys heard of Shakespeare
in the Park? [clicks tongue]
-Yeah.
-Oh, wow!
Wow, that's great!
-I'm gonna audition.
-Good luck.
-Ah! Ow!
-Are you okay? Are you okay?
Out, get out!
I mean, my leg is cramping. God damn it.
I got it. No big deal.
Marathon, running a marathon. Okay.
I'll walk it out.
My God.
I haven't seen you in, like, forever.
-Yeah.
-Have you been living under a rock?
I've been, you know, lying low.
Got a weird roommate, finished my book.
It's, uh... It's about centaurs.
Oh, okay. Is that the half-bull thing?
That's a minotaur.
That's a common mistake.
-Yeah, centaurs are half man, half goat.
-Oh, no, that's a satyr.
-Half man, half goat is a faun.
-I think that fawn is a baby deer.
Oh, babies...
That's fawn, F-A-W-N,
I'm talking faun, F-A-U-N.
I briefly majored in folk and myth,
remember?
-Oh.
-Forgot you were a goth weirdo.
Uh-- [mumbles]
So, what's your book called?
The working title is... Boy Horse.
Well, you know, write what you know.
[all laugh]
Come back! Come back.
[clears throat]
[Jon sighs]
Have you talked to Lisa?
-Have you talked to Lisa?
-No, I haven't. I haven't.
Have you talked to Lisa?
-No.
-Oh, my God.
-I haven't talked to her either.
-Jesus fucking Christ.
Oh, my gosh!
-Hey!
-Oh, my God, this is so nice.
-That is so nice,
-Did you guys come here all together?
That is the best present ever!
Hey, Nick!
Hey, buddy.
Oh, hi! [chuckles]
-Good to see you, too.
-How are you?
Hi.
Max was afraid you
were all gonna to cause a scene
and I told him that wouldn't happen
under any circumstances.
Code of silence, Felix. Code of silence.
-Oh.
-That's right.
-Hey, is Fun Eithan gonna be here tonight?
-No, he's dead and buried.
Do you have a cooler
where I could store my broccoli water?
I'm on a very strict diet.
Jon, your pant is all bloody.
Oh, yeah, I'm training for a marathon.
I tripped over a boy on my run.
Oh, my God, you didn't tell me that.
-Is the boy okay?
-Well, I don't tell you everything either.
And, yeah, I think so. [laughs]
All right, well, why don't we go try to
find a room where we can put your...
special jar, okay?
-Okay.
-Yes!
-Let's go.
-Thank you.
[Jon] Sounds good.
Whoa! Oh, my God, is that Merrill Morgan?
What's she doing here?
I'm representing
her new lifestyle tell-all.
-Really?
-What she ever done
that requires her to write a tell-all?
Uh, she just got divorced from that
drug-addicted Rockefeller or Carnegie.
Not sure. Also has recipes.
It's gonna sell like hot cakes.
-Good.
-Oh, my God, is Nick in it?
Uh... I don't know.
Max, is there a chapter on best lays?
No, the book
does not go back to the late 90's.
[laughs]
Why does she always calls you Ames?
Is that like a WASP thing?
-Uh, yeah. Do you feel excluded?
-Yeah, I do.
Well, then it's working.
-Congratulations, Max.
-Miss Morgan.
Beautiful party.
I feel so fortunate to be a part
of your big moment.
[Max] Of course!
Ames?
-Haven't seen you in such a long time.
-Hey, Gorgeous.
You look amazing.
Oh. It's like a full-time job
when you reach my age.
[all laugh]
I'm Merrill Morgan.
I'm Sam. We were in class together.
Oh. Sorry, of course. Now I remember.
-Uh, Merrill Morgan.
-Oh, Ethan Turner.
-We were also in class together.
-Excellent.
This is like a little reunion.
What a blast!
-Merrill Morgan.
-No, thank you.
What?
Wow, she can carry that, huh?
[Marianne] Okay, I can tell you
as a professional performer,
she's overdoing the face stuff.
Yeah, but if she brings
that much passion to her violin,
think how much passion
-she'd bring to my bow.
-Ew.
[chuckles]
[Jon] Wow.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Oh, my God. It's Lisa.
-I thought you said she didn't RSVP.
-She didn't. I swear.
I'm just as surprised as you are.
-She's with someone.
-I see that. We can all see this.
-They're walking towards us.
-I know.
Okay, stop narrating.
None of us are blind.
Hey, everyone!
-Hi.
-Hi!
Hello, handsome.
-Oh, Maxie.
-Lisa!
You look so fantastic, so trim!
-Thank you.
-I am so happy for you guys.
Congratulations!
Marianne, I love your hair!
-Oh, thanks.
-Oh, Nick, buddy!
I'd recognize you anywhere. [chuckles]
And Sam you are here.
-Hi.
-Hi!
-Hi, Lisa.
-Hi, Ethan!
Ethan, this is Charlie.
-Charlie, this is Ethan.
-Pleasure.
Hi, nice to mate you. Nice to meet you.
Nice to mate you?
-This is-- Charlie's my new fella.
-Hi, everyone.
It's really nice
to put some names to faces.
So, uh... Charlie, what do you do, bro?
I'm a lawyer, too.
Habeas corpus,
you know what I'm saying, bro?
-Sorr-- What?
-Hmm?
Um, how did you two meet?
Oh. [laughs]
It's a really funny story. So, um...
we used to work together
and we both worked on the same floor.
So...
That is so funny.
Well--
It was fantastic. Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the suckling pig is now ready. Follow me.
-[chuckles]
-[Felix] Follow me.
Um, Ethan, I'm getting the vibe
that this thing could explode.
So I just want everyone to remember
that this is my engagement party
and I would be so, so sad.
Okay?
Okay. Fantastic.
She is saying that a lot.
-She is, yes, but it's your day.
-So many times.
It's gonna be fine. It's your day.
Let's take a deep breath and enjoy.
We just kept walking... [laughs]
I haven't seen her in so long
and I want to talk to her,
but I'm so nervous.
Oh, you should talk to her.
You guys were such good friends.
This is the perfect place to make amends.
Right.
Do it.
I go to go get her ginger ale,
-and then you came back and went to--
-[Marianne] Lisa, hi.
So great to see you.
I've really missed you.
Oh! Uh, Marianne, this is Charlie.
Charlie, this is Marianne.
Yeah, we just met inside.
Yeah. She was my best friend.
And then I found out she knew
about the whole thing all along,
but she never got around
to mentioning it to me. [chuckles]
-Maybe it slipped your mind.
-Hello again. [chuckles]
Well, um, I was stuck in the middle,
and I didn't know what to do.
And I love both you and Sam.
And I know what I did was wrong, but...
it wasn't the worst thing.
Oh, right. It was not the worst thing.
You were not the worst person
in the whole thing.
Oh, that must be
such a weight off your shoulders.
Eesh.
Hey, um...
It's great-- great to see you.
Bye. Bye.
Oh, uh...
Your, uh, boys are watching us.
-[Lisa] Oh, yeah?
-[Charles] Yeah.
-Oh, one's coming.
-Which one?
Bald one.
Don't leave me under
any circumstances, okay?
-Hey, Lisa. Uh...
-Hey!
Can, uh... Can I just grab
a couple minutes to talk to you?
Mm-hmm.
-Would you...
-Oh, I'm sorry, man.
I would love to leave, as you can imagine,
but she asked me not to.
-So...
-Yeah.
Okay, I see.
What's going on?
Well, you haven't responded
to my emails or texts or...
phone calls or letters.
-Letters?
-Which is your prerogative.
-Correct.
-Uh... okay, well, um...
We have to split up our things.
We have to figure out our finances
and we have to figure out
if and when we are doing
something official about our marriage
or, more likely, lack thereof.
And, um, you think
that Max's engagement party
is the place that we should
be talking about this?
Okay, well,
I'm just looking for a time to--
I'm just looking for a time to meet.
-And it can be brief.
-Well, sure.
-Great.
-Great.
Great.
So I'll give you a call then.
You will answer. [chuckles]
Okay.
So have you heard from Bonnie?
Yes, she and Ted are still Stonington.
Do you keep up with Suzi?
She and Walker got divorced
a couple years ago,
but Pru made the America's Cup team.
Mm. Oh, that's fantastic.
TZ must be over the moon.
-Yeah.
-How's Tilly?
Uh, Divorced Coop, married Francis.
She's a lesbian now?
-No, Van Nostrand, not Von Kohorn.
-[laughs]
[laughs] Oh, my God!
I was about to say.
-Can you Imagine?
-No!
The two of them
at the yacht club on the Vineyard?
-That would have gone over well.
-Poor thing would've died!
It's not even possible.
I want to thank you all for coming
and for making the trip out from the city.
I can't tell you
how much it warms our hearts
to see all of you,
our oldest friends, here...
celebrating together...
side by side, arm in arm...
as you always have and you always will.
And I just want to give a shout-out
to all my boys from the John's Hopkins
Department of Obstetrics,
the bad boys of the baby ward. Ooh, ooh!
[all] Ooh, ooh!
Oh, also, my mom wants to say something.
So if you could all give a warm welcome
to my mother, Martha Adler.
-Yeah!
-[applause]
-Hey!
-[man] Yeah!
You know, when Max
first blew it with Felix,
I was so mad at him.
But thank God, he had the good sense
to beg him to take him back.
-[laughter]
-It didn't happen exactly like that, Mom.
Yes, it did.
[Martha] Yes, it did.
Maybe it did. Maybe it did.
Hopefully, they don't cheat on each other.
Uh-huh.
You know, it does happen, and...
it's pretty hard to come back
from when it does.
Especially when you got kids...
[chuckles] Oh!
[whispers] Stop it.
[Jon] Sure.
Thank you.
[indistinct chatter]
Thanks.
WHERE TO?
HOME
[sighs]
[Sam] Come on.
Sam?
Sam?
Sam!
-[Nick] By "bow" I mean dick--
-Have you guys seen Sam?
I-- I can't find her.
-Uh... no.
-No.
-Sam!
-Sam!
Sam!
Sam!
-[Nick] Sam!
-[Marianne] Sam!
-Well, I guess we should split up.
-Yeah, all right.
Ethan and I'll go this way,
you go that way?
I'm not going to go alone.
That's what I said.
You and I will go together.
-All right.
-And you go that way.
[Marianne] Sam!
[Ethan] Sam!
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
-Sam!
-Shh, shh, shh.
What's happening? Are you all right?
[mouthing] There is a skunk.
I can't-- There's a skunk!
There's a skunk!
-There's a skunk! Sam, watch out!
-[Sam screaming]
Skunk! Skunk, Sam!
Oh, my God! There's a skunk!
-Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God!
Oh. Oh.
Oh, what is wrong with you?
It was starting to walk away!
I was... ugh...
quietly handling this situation.
I just saw the skunk
and I didn't know if you saw the skunk
and I was like, "Skunk!" And then it--
You're right! You handled it perfectly!
-I'm so sorry.
-Oh, jeez.
Listen, I'm sorry about everything
is what I'm saying.
I-- I didn't picture it like this,
but I just owe you an apology, okay?
I know you didn't want me to tell Lisa,
but I was making her crazy.
I had to.
I just had to tell her, Sam, okay?
We're doing it now? Are you kidding me?
Look. Look, it was for the best, OK?
It forced me to tell John, I mean,
we both made this mess, it's just--
Pfft.
I mean, it sucks that it's always
the woman that gets the stink.
Oh, God, I'm--
It's good to see you again.
[sighs]
You too.
I think it's going really well so far.
[laughs, coughs]
Oh, God. Please don't make me
breathe out of my nose.
Sam, are you all right?
-Oh, Jesus!
-Oh!
Whoa!
Oh, my God. Did you get sprayed by skunk?
Oh, my God. You two
are never getting that stink off you.
-Don't we know it.
-I have a change of clothes if that helps.
Oh, jeez.
[all gagging]
[softly] Ew.
-Ew.
-Is that the way you puke?
-Ew.
-Oh, why are you so adorable?
-[Marianne] I'm so sorry.
-Honestly, apologizing makes it worse.
Oh, my God. You fucking reek.
My eyes are burning.
-Hey!
-Hey.
Making your getaway?
Change of clothes for Sam.
Ah.
I swear I didn't hire the skunk.
Sure. But it still deserves
a tip, though, right?
-Oh, a big one. [chuckles]
-Yeah.
So, how has your year been?
Good. New boyfriend seems kind of random.
Thank you.
It's actually kind of nice dating someone
outside the blast radius of all this.
Yeah, been there.
Yeah. Charlie is really nice.
Yeah, yeah. No, he seems like a guy.
How's Merrill Morgan?
Thinking about taking a dip
in the family gene pool again?
I mean, maybe. I might.
She gave me her number.
-Oh.
-It was very sexy.
Plus, your ancestors
were on a Mayflower together.
Mm... I don't know about that.
That's a little more my speed.
-[Lisa chuckles] Really?
-Mm-hmm.
You haven't outgrown that yet?
I mean, if she's that passionate
about her violin,
think about how passionate
she'd be with my bow.
How many times
have you done that bit today?
Three and a half thousand.
-[chuckles]
-If it ain't broke...
Hey, Marianne.
Uh...
It's safe.
[stammers]
I'm so sorry and...
I just missed you so much.
[sighs]
Yeah, I missed you, too.
Aw.
-Now watch and learn.
-[Lisa] Okay.
-Oh, the violinist?
-Yeah. [sighs]
How does that still work?
You gotta be very--
You gotta be very gentle with it.
Wow.
-Gonna take off.
-[Felix] Thank you.
-Lovely to see you.
-You too.
-Congratulations.
-I'm so glad you came!
-Waiting for the big day.
-All the best, you guys.
I'll see you soon. Bye.
-It was a pleasure.
-Thank you.
-I'll see you at the wedding.
-Yes. I love gay weddings.
It's gonna be fun.
It's just a wedding.
-Bye.
-Regular wedding.
All right, Max, I'm heading out, buddy.
-I'm so glad you came.
-I'm so glad you did this.
-Felix.
-Ethan. Thank you.
-I'm so happy for you guys!
-I'm so glad you came!
-Thank you.
-Oh, my gosh.
-You are just so tall.
-Yes. [chuckles]
So, how much did all of this cost?
-Thank you so much for coming.
-Dudes!
-Hey!
-[Nick] Dudes!
Aw!
-Congrats! Love you guys.
-Love you, man.
-So happy for you.
-So glad you came. Thank you.
-I'll see you at the wedding.
-For sure.
Okay, good.
-You ready?
-Yeah.
-Bye!
-We made it.
[sighs]
-Okay. We did it!
-We did it.
-It wasn't so terrible.
-No.
-You were great, hon.
-Thanks, you too.
-I love you.
-I love you, babe.
Why would someone ask
how much this thing cost?
That's like the most fucked-up question.
[scoffs]
They're terrible.
[sighs]
Agh.
[groans]
Pee-ew. Agh.
Agh.
Okay, listen...
It is one thing to punish me...
but you have started to punish people
who aren't even involved.
Oh.
-So now it's all my fault?
-No.
Mm.
We've been working on this
for a year and...
and you still seem...
very angry.
Of course I am.
Uh, what would you expect
after you make me come to this party?
I told you that you didn't have to come.
Maybe I shouldn't have.
After seeing Ethan...
and all those other clowns,
I don't know if I can do this.
What-- What are you saying?
I don't think
I'm ever gonna get over this.
And I think we should get a divorce.
I can-- Excuse me.
[woman] Oh, agh.
[woman] What is that smell?
[sighs]
♪ Oh, we were born
Within an hour of each other ♪
♪ Our mothers said
We could be sister and brother ♪
♪ Your name is Deborah
Deborah♪
♪ It never suited ya ♪
♪ And they said that when we grew up ♪
♪ We'd get married
And never split up ♪
♪ Oh, we never did it ♪
♪ Although I often thought of it ♪
♪ Oh, Deborah, do you recall? ♪
♪ Your house was very small ♪
♪ with wood chip on the wall ♪
♪ When I came 'round to call ♪
♪ You didn't notice me at all ♪
♪ And I said
Let's all meet up in the year 2000 ♪
♪ Won't it be strange
When we're all fully grown ♪
♪ Be there, two o'clock ♪