Friends (1994–2004): Season 9, Episode 9 - The One with Rachel's Phone Number - full transcript

This kitty is Mittens.
This one is Fitzhugh.

And this little guy
in the cat condo is Jinkies.

Yeah. That's a lot of cats, Jo Lynn.

Single, are you?

Chandler Bing.

Hey. You're answering your own phone?

Where's your crazy assistant?

What's up, Joe?

Okay, what have we always wanted
to do together?

Braid each other's hair
and ride horseback on the beach?

No. No. No. When you get home
tomorrow night...



you and I are gonna be
at the Wizards-Knicks game, courtside.

- Courtside? Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

Maybe Michael Jordan will dive for the ball
and break my jaw with his knee.

That is so cool. I'll let Monica know.

- Hello?
- Joey just called.

He's got courtside Knicks tickets
for him and me tomorrow night.

Really? But tomorrow night's the only night
I get off from the restaurant.

If you go, we won't have a night together
for another week.

But honey, it's courtside.
The cheerleaders are gonna be right in f...

That's not the way to convince you.

Chandler, I don't wanna be
one of those wives that says:

"You can't go to the game.
You have to spend time with me."

So if you could just realize it
on your own...

I know. You're right.
I wanna see you too.



I just gotta figure out a way to tell Joey.
He's really looking forward to this.

Tell him you haven't seen
your wife in a long time.

Tell him that having a long-distance
relationship is really difficult.

Tell him that what little time
we have together is precious.

Eh, yeah, I'll think of something.

Wow. Heh. Wow, you look, uh...

I mean, it's just, uh... That dress, uh...

Well, I hope the ends
of these sentences are good.

Heh. Oh, they're good. It's just been
a while since I've seen you like this.

You clean up good.

Oh, really? Well, thank you.

Okay, stop. Stop looking at me like that.

- Last time that happened, that happened.
- Oh, right, right.

So are you excited about
your first night away from Emma?

Yeah, yeah. Phoebe and I
are gonna have so much fun.

- And thank you for watching the baby.
- Oh, it's fine.

Actually, I invited Mike over.

- Phoebe's Mike?
- Yeah.

- I didn't know you guys hung out.
- We don't...

but I thought it'd be nice
to get to know him.

Maybe have a little dinner,
drinks, conversation.

Oh, that's so cute.
Ross and Mike's first date.

Is that gonna be awkward?
What are you guys gonna talk about?

I don't know. But you know,
we have a lot in common, you know?

Um, he plays piano.
I played keyboards in college.

Uh, he's been divorced.
I have some experience in that area.

- Yeah?
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Ooh. Girls' night out indeed.

Okay, so I think Emma is probably
down for the night...

but if you need anything...
- Rach, we'll be fine.

- You go have fun.
- Okay, you too.

- Thanks.
- And I hope you score.

- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.

So, welcome.

- I got beer.
- I got bottled breast milk.

- Eh, why don't we start with the beer?
- Okay.

So, um, ahem,
Phoebe tells me you, uh, play piano.

Yeah.

You know, I used to, uh,
play keyboards in college.

Oh. Do you have one here?

No.

Okay. Heh.

Ah.

Um, uh, you know, I'm divorced.

Uh, Phoebe... Phoebe says you're...
You've been divorced?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm sorry.
I don't really like to talk about it.

That's okay.
We'll talk about something else.

- So you're a paleontologist, right?
- Yeah.

- My cousin's a paleontologist.
- Ah.

Well, he and I would probably have
a lot to talk about.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Welcome home.
- Oh, well, look at you.

Yeah. What do you think?

Well, it looks great. It's just...

Well, I'm wearing the same thing
underneath, so...

You see what I mean? Heh.

Hey. How come your door's locked?

- Just a second.
- No, no, no.

- Joey can't know that I'm here.
- Why not?

I didn't know how to tell him
I couldn't go to the game...

so I told him I had to stay in Tulsa.
- So you lied to him?

It's always better to lie than to have
the complicated discussion.

Except with you.

Hey, open the door. What's going on?

- What are you...?
- Hi.

Why are you dressed like that?

Because, um, well, Chandler's
gonna be home in a couple of days...

so I thought I would just, um, you know,
practice the art of seduction.

I thought I heard a man's voice before.

No, I was just doing Chandler's side
of the conversation.

You know, like, "Hi, how do I look?"

"Really sexy.
Could I be any more turned on?"

You know.

Okay. Wait a minute.

Why are there two glasses
of wine out?

Because one of them is for you.

Cheers. Okay, bye-bye.

You know, it's funny. I've been, uh,
practicing the art of seduction myself.

- You might wanna keep practicing.
- Yeah.

- It's Joey.
- What?

- Hey, Joe.
- Dude, come home.

- What? Why?
- Come home.

Look, I can't. What's going on?

I don't know how to tell you this,
but, uh, I think Monica's cheating on you.

I told you you shouldn't have married
someone so much hotter than you.

All right, if you can't deal with this,
then I'm gonna.

- No.
- I just heard him.

Can you hear him now?

No. All right, I'm going in.

- No, wait.
- I heard him again.

All right, look, just stay there.
I'm coming home.

Okay, I'll see you when you get here.

I'm gonna wait out in the hall
in case the dude comes out.

- Is that really necessary?
- Absolutely. You'd do it for me.

Not that you ever have to, because
I know how to keep my women satisfied.

Shouldn't the pizza be here by now?

I mean, they said 30 minutes or less.
Well, how long has it been?

Eleven minutes.

And now 12.

- So you like the beer?
- I do. I do.

- Although, it's actually a lager.
- Huh.

What's the difference
between beer and lager?

I don't know.

We could look it up.

Things are about to get wild.

Oh, God, remember the girls' nights
we used to have...

sitting around talking
about you and Ross?

Oh, God. It seems like forever ago.

I know.

Ah. So, what's going on
with you and Ross?

Well, um, I don't know.
I mean, for a long time, nothing.

But, you know, actually,
right before you picked me up...

Ross and I had a, uh, little thing.

Oh, my God. I love things.
What happened?

Well, um, first he told me
he liked how I looked.

- Uh-huh.
- And, uh, then we had a little, um...

eye contact.

- Eye contact?
- Mm-hm.

I hope you were using protection.

Excuse me, um, these are from
the two gentlemen at the end of the bar.

Should we send them something back?
Ooh, let's send them mashed potatoes.

No, wait. Don't do that.

That's gonna make them think
they can come over.

So, what if they do?

We're not here to meet guys. You have
a boyfriend. I have a baby and a Ross.

Yeah, but nothing has to happen.
We're just having fun.

You know, not everything
has to go as far as eye contact.

Chandler, you have to tell Joey
that you're not in Tulsa.

Don't you think it's better for him
to think you're cheating on me...

than for him to think
I'm cheating on him?

I heard it.

I don't want him to think
that I'm having an affair.

All right, I've got a plan.
I'll go down the fire escape...

Because all good plans start with,
"I'll go down the fire escape."

Hear me out, woman.

I'll go down the fire
escape, then I'll wait.

Then when I come up the stairs
it'll be like I just got back.

Then Joey and I will come in
and see that there's no guy in here.

Aren't you afraid that Joey's
gonna figure all this out?

I heard it.

- I'm just gonna wait.
- The scary pigeon's back?

It's huge.

Oh, my God. I can't believe
you live in that building.

My grandmother lives in that building.

Ida Green?
No sense of personal space...

kind of smells like chicken,
looks like a potato.

- "Spuds" is your grandmother?
- That's my bubby.

So we're on our way
to a couple of parties.

Um, maybe we can get your numbers
and call if we find something fun?

Yeah. I'm sorry, we weren't really
looking for anything to happen...

with you guys. I have a boyfriend.

- All right.
- It's no big deal.

So she has a boyfriend.
What is your situation?

Oh, well, it's complicated. I don't
actually have a boyfriend, but, uh...

Then can I have your number?

I'm sorry, no.

Okay.

Oh, sure.

Oh, my God, you're giving
your real number.

Okay, thanks.
I'll give you a call later tonight.

- Great.
- Bye.

Bye.

Wow. So that's great.

You, Bill, Ross and Emma
are gonna be so happy together.

What were you thinking?

I don't know. He was cute and he liked me.
It was an impulse.

But what about Ross?
What about your moment?

- Don't you wanna talk to Ross about it?
- No.

No, because I know exactly
how the conversation's gonna go.

"Hey, Ross, you know,
I think we had a moment before."

"Yeah. Ahem. Me too."

"Well, but I'm not sure
I really want to do anything about it."

"Yeah. Ahem. Me neither."

"Should we just live together...

and not tell each other
how we're feeling?"

"Yeah, that works for me."

Yeah, I see what you mean.

By the way, nice Ross imitation.

But your Rachel wasn't whiny enough.

- What? Hey.
- Better.

The point is maybe I should just stop
waiting around for moments with Ross.

You know?
I should just move on with my life.

So really, you're moving on from Ross?

I don't know.
Do I have to decide right now?

You kind of just did.
That guy is gonna call you tonight.

Ross is gonna pick up the phone,
and that's a pretty clear message.

Oh, my God, Ross.

Ross is gonna pick up the phone.

Oh, I have to get my number back.
Oh, my God, he's gone.

"Oh, I have to get
my number back. Oh, my God. He's gone."

Dead on.

- You know, I'm gonna take off.
- So soon?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Well, thanks, uh... Thanks for the beer.

- You mean lager?
- Ah, yeah. Good times.

- Hello?
- Hey, Mike, it's me.

Listen, is, um... Is Ross near you?

Uh, no, I just left.

Well, you have to go back in.

What? Go back?
To the land where time stands still?

I'm so sorry, honey, but...

Okay, Rachel gave this guy
her number...

and, um, she doesn't want Ross
to answer the phone.

So you have to intercept all his calls.

I can't do that.

- He says he can't do that.
- Oh, give me the phone.

Hi, Mike. Hi, listen, I know that this
is a lot to ask, but you know what?

If you do this,
Phoebe will do anything you want.

- Seriously, I'm talking dirty stuff.
- All right. Thank you. Hello?

Hi, I'm sorry about her. But actually,
she wasn't wrong about the dirty stuff.

All right, I'll do it.

But really, how much dirtier can it get?

Oh, Mike.

Bye.

Hey, buddy.

Uh, hi.

- Um, can I come back in?
- Why?

Well, I was just thinking about
how much more we have to talk about.

But you left.

Wow, that didn't take long.

I thought you said Tulsa
was like a three-hour flight?

Well, you're forgetting
about the time difference.

Yeah.

Chandler, you're home.

That's right. Your husband's home.
So now the sex can stop.

What are you saying?

Joey said you're in here
with another man.

There's no man in here.
How dare you accuse me of that.

All right. All right.

Then maybe you won't mind if me
and my friend take a look around, huh?

What's he doing?

I arranged some pillows on the bed
to look like a guy.

Bedroom's clear. Although
you might need some new pillows.

All right, well, I'll check the guest room.

Why do I smell men's cologne?

I think that's you.

Oh, yeah. I rubbed a magazine
on myself earlier.

There's nobody here, Joe.

I guess not.

I can't believe you thought I was cheating.
You owe me an apology.

- You're right, Monica. I'm so sorry.
- It's an honest mistake.

It could happen to anybody.
All right, see you.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

If you just got back from Tulsa,
how did your suitcase beat you here?

I climbed down the fire escape,
and you can't put that in the closet?

So with the exception
of the fermentation process...

beer and ale
are basically the same thing.

Fascinating, isn't it?

Maybe you should look up "fascinating."

I'll get it.

Hello? Ross' place. Mike speaking.

It's for you.

I don't understand
what just happened here.

What's going on?

I'm sorry.

I told you I was in Tulsa because I wanted
to spend the night with Monica...

and I didn't know...
I didn't think you'd understand.

You think I'm too dumb to understand
a husband needs to be with his wife? Huh?

You think I'm, like, duh.

- Joey?
- Yeah.

I don't know what to say.
We shouldn't have lied to you.

Yeah, I feel so bad. Is there anything
I can do to make it up to you?

Yeah, you could go to the game with me.
Even though you said you couldn't.

But then you lied to me and tricked me
and gave me a bump on the head.

I'm sorry, that's the one thing I can't do.
I promised I'd be with Monica.

All right.

- You can go.
- What?

You should go to the game.
It's okay. I want you to.

- Really? You gonna be okay?
- Yeah, I'll be fine.

You know, maybe I'll stay here
and practice the art of seduction.

- You're gonna put sweats on and clean.
- It's gonna be so hot.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Thanks.

Here's your ticket.

Thanks. Hey, listen...

I'm never gonna lie to you again, okay?

And I want you to know
that nobody thinks you're stupid.

Thanks, man.

- Where you going?
- Game's tomorrow night, Joe.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, God. So glad you're back.

So, what did you guys do?

Oh, you know, we just drank some beer.

Mike played with the boundaries
of normal social conduct.

It's true, I did.

- Well, goodbye.
- Okay.

- Bye. That was fun, Pheebs.
- I know. It was fun.

See you, guys.

Rachel, lock the door.
Lock the door, seriously.

Oh, shoot, I forgot to pay Phoebe
for the drinks.

Wait, wait. Wait, sorry.
Did he call? Did that guy call?

No, just his mom.

Oh. Around 8:30?

- Yeah.
- Then again at 9:00?

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

Hello?

Uh, no, she's not here right now.
Can I take a message?

Bill from the bar?

Okay, Bill from the bar,
I'll make sure she gets your number.

Ah.

So, uh... So how was it?

Did you guys...?
You guys have a good time?

We had so much fun.
It felt so good to be out.

Uh, Rach?

Yeah?

Never mind.

- Hey, you guys.
- Hey.

Hey.

I'll be right back.
I gotta go to the bathroom.

Stout. That's a kind of beer.