Friends (1994–2004): Season 9, Episode 7 - The One with Ross's Inappropriate Song - full transcript

Ross finds a way to make Emma laugh - singing "Baby Got Back."

And that's why,
no matter what Mommy says...

we really were on a break.
Yes, we were.

Yes, we were. Heh.
Come here, gorgeous.

Look at you.
You are the cutest little baby ever.

You're just a little-bitty baby,
you know that? But you've got...

You've got big, beautiful eyes.

Yes, you do. And a...
And a big, round belly.

Big baby butt.

I like big butts.

I like big butts and I cannot lie

You other brothers can't deny

When a girl walks in
With an itty-bitty waist

And a round thing in your face
You get...

Oh, my God, Emma.
You're laughing.

Oh, my God. You've never
done that before, have you?

You've never done that before.
Daddy made you laugh, huh?

Well, Daddy and Sir Mix-A-Lot.

What? What?
You wanna hear some more? Um...

My anaconda don't want none
Unless you got buns, hun

I'm a terrible father. Oh.

- Hey.
- Hey, listen.

- What do you know about investments?
- How come?

I'm starting to make good money on the
show, and I should do something with it.

- What do you do with your money now?
- It's taped to the back of my toilet tank.

I didn't say that.
It's in a bank guarded by robots.

- Do you have any ideas?
- Uh, this guy at work got me excited...

about going in on an emu farm.
That'd be kind of cool, huh?

Pitching in on the weekends,
helping to plant the emus.

Joe, emus are birds.
You raise them for meat.

Yeah. Right!

People eat birds. Bird meat.

Do they just fly into your mouth?
Or you go in a restaurant and say:

"Excuse me, I'll have
a bucket of fried bird." Ha-ha-ha.

Or maybe just a wing. Or a...

- Mm-hm.
- Ahem.

You should consider something
a little less risky.

I think real estate is
your best investment.

The Fed just lowered the rates, and the
interest on your mortgage is deductible.

That's right. I know some stuff.

Real estate, huh? Hmm.

Oh! And you know who's selling
a great apartment? Richard!

Oh, and you know whose knowledge of
her ex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica!

My dad told me.
They play golf together.

Oh! Well, maybe
I'll join them sometime.

I just hope the club doesn't
slip out of my hand...

and beat the mustache
off his face.

Hi! You have to help me pick a dress.
I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight.

Wow, the boyfriend's parents.
Big step.

- Really? That hadn't occurred to me.
- They'll love you. Just be yourself.

They live on the Upper East Side
on Park Avenue.

- Oh, yeah, she can't be herself.
- Ugh.

Okay, so, all right, which dress?

- You can say neither.
- Oh, God. Neither.

I'm sorry. We'll take you shopping.
It'll be fine.

You are in such good hands,
and I am so good with meeting parents.

With the father, you wanna flirt a little,
but not in a gross way.


Just kind of like, "Mr. Pinzer, I can
see where Wallace gets his good looks."

- You went out with Wallace Pinzer?
- Oh, he took the SATs for me.

- I knew you didn't get a 1400!
- Yeah, well, duh! I mean...

So now, what about with Mike's mom?

Oh! Well, with the mother...

just constantly
tell her how amazing her son is.

Take it from me. Moms love me.
Ross' mom one time actually said...

I am like the daughter
that she never had.

- She said what?
- She's like the daughter she never had.


- Hi.
- Hi.

I just got Phoebe all dressed
to meet Mike's parents.

She's so nervous. It's so sweet.

Guess what. I made Emma laugh today.

You what? And I missed it...

because I was giving a makeover
to that stupid hippie?

Yeah, and it was, uh, like, uh,
a real little person laugh too.

- Oh!
- It was like, um:

Only not creepy.


- What did you do to make her laugh?
- I, um...

Well, I sang. Actually...

I rapped, um, heh...

"Baby Got Back."

You what?

You sang to our baby daughter...

a song about a guy
who likes to have sex...

with women with giant asses?

You know what,
if you think about it...

it actually promotes
a healthy, uh, body image...

because even big butts...

or, uh, "juicy doubles" are...
- Oh.

Please don't take her away from me.

Oh, hi, come on in.
I'm Catherine, the listing agent.

Hi, I'm Joey. This is Chandler.

So how come Richard's selling
the place? Went bankrupt?

Medical malpractice?
Choked on his own mustache?

He's buying a much bigger place.
It's got a great view of Central Park...

That's enough out of you.

Uh, is there anything we should know
about the place?

All the appliances are included.
There's a lot of light, a new kitchen.

I think you guys would be
very happy here.

- Ha. No, no, no.
- Ha-ha-ha.

No, we're not together.
We're definitely not a couple.

- Oh, okay. Sorry.
- That's all right.

Wow, you, uh, seemed
pretty insulted by that.

What, I'm not good enough for you?

We are not gonna have
this conversation again.

Look at this place.
Why am I so intimidated by this guy?

Pretentious art.
This huge, macho couch.

When we know
all he does is sit around...

crying about losing Monica
to a real man. Ha, ha.

- You don't think he's here, do you?
- I don't know.

It's a nice place, but I gotta say,
I don't know if I see myself living here.

Well, let me see.

Yeah, I can see it.

Look at these videos.
I mean, who does he think he is?

Magnum Force, Dirty Harry,
Cool Hand Luke.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

There's a tape here
with Monica's name on it.

Ooh. A tape with a girl's name on it.
It's probably a sex tape.

Wait a minute.

This says "Monica."

And this is Richard's apartment.

Get there faster!

Wow. You look...

like my mom.

I'm wearing pantyhose.

- Great! Come on in.
- Okay.

- Ha-ha-ha. Hi.
- Hi.

Oh. Thank you.

Oh. Heh.

- Oh, my God. You're rich.
- No, my parents are rich.

So? They gotta die someday. Hello!

Mom, Dad, this is Phoebe.

Phoebe, these are my parents,
Theodore and Bitsy.

Theodore, Bitsy...

what a delight.
- Ha-ha-ha.

- It's so nice to finally meet you.
- And you.

Your home is lovely.

Thank you. I'll give you a tour later.
It's actually three floors.

Holy crap!

Oh. Why don't you come
meet our friends?

Try and stop me.

Hey. What are you doing?

Getting your parents to like me.

I'm sure they will,
but you don't have to do this.

I want them
to get to know Phoebe, not:


- You've got it.
- All right.

- It's hard to stop.
- Mm.

Well, come on.

Phoebe, these are our friends
Tom and Sue Engel.

Phoebe, come sit.
Tell us a little bit about yourself.


- So where are you from?
- Um, okay.

Well, all right.
Um, originally, I'm from upstate...

but, um, then my mom killed herself,
and my stepdad went to prison.

So I moved to the city...

where, um, I lived in a burned-out
Buick LeSabre for a while.

Which was okay. That was okay.

Until, um, I got hepatitis, you know...

because this pimp spit
in my mouth and...

But I got over it.

And, um, anyway, now I'm a, um,
freelance massage therapist...

um, which isn't always steady money,
but at least I don't pay taxes.

So where does everyone summer?

- Oh, God, this is not going well.
- No, you're doing fine. Really.

- Why don't you go talk to my dad?
- Okay, okay, okay.

- Still sure about me being myself?
- Absolutely.

Though maybe just
a little less "pimp spit."


So, Theodore, I, uh, can see
where Mike gets his good looks from.

Oh. Well...

- You must work out all the time.
- Oh, not all the time. I do the best I can.

- Yeah, I bet. Look out!
- Oh! Ow.

- Oh, my God. Are you okay?
- Unh! I recently had surgery.

- I'm so sorry.
- No, I'll be fine.

- I just should check the stitches.
- I really am sorry.

How could you know? Why wouldn't
you punch me in the stomach?


Did you just hit my dad?

Yes. I'm sorry. I've never met
a boyfriend's parents before.

But, I mean, you have met
humans before, right?

Why don't you go talk to my mom?

Okay, yeah, your mom.
She looks nice. I can talk to her.

You do that, and I'm gonna go check
my dad for signs of internal bleeding.

Oh, Bitsy? Um, uh, listen,
I wanted to thank you again...

for having me here tonight.

Well, not at all.

Also, um, I just want you to know
what a wonderful man your son is.

- Thank you. I think so too.
- It's a testament to how he was raised.

Especially to you,
because he's very respectful of women.

- Is he really?
- He is so considerate of my feelings.

You know, I think you'd also like
to know that he is a very gentle lover.

Excuse me?

No, don't get me wrong.
No, not in like a sissy way.

When he gets going...

he can rattle a headboard
like a sailor on leave.

That's... my boy.


I'm not gonna watch it.
I don't need to watch it.

I mean, what good could
possibly come from watching it?

Well, we know I'm gonna watch it.

- Hey, dude, what's up?
- Don't judge me! I'm only human!

Did you take that tape?

I had to! Imagine you were married
and you found a tape of your wife...

in another guy's apartment. Wouldn't
you need to know what was on it?

I don't know. Who am I married to?

Some girl.

She hot?

- Yeah.
- How did she get me to settle down?

All right, I'm gonna watch it.

I mean, it's probably
not even what I think it is.

Even if it is, it can't possibly be as
bad as what I'm picturing in my head.

Ha, ha. Can it?

See, in my experience,
if a girl says yes to being taped...

she doesn't say no to much else,
I'll tell you.

- Then you have to watch it for me.
- Whoa! What?

Just for a few seconds
so I can know what it is. Please?

All right, fine. But if I enjoy this,
you have only yourself to blame!

- Why am I hearing cheering?
- It's okay. It's just a football game.

- It's just football?
- You were all worried for nothing.

It's football! It's just football!

This is great! This is the first time
I've ever enjoyed football!

I think it may be customary
to get a beer!

What the?

- What are you doing?
- You don't wanna see what I just saw!

What are you guys doing?

Oh, my God! Is that Richard?

Okay, uh, please laugh for Mommy.

Please laugh for Mommy.

Not funny, huh?

Well, so is it...

only offensive novelty rap?

Or maybe just, you know, rap in general.
Because Mommy can rap.

My name is Mommy

And I'm here to say

That all the babies are...

Oh, I can't rap.

All right, sweetheart. This is
only because I love you so much.

And I know that you're
not gonna tell anybody.

I like

Big butts and I cannot lie

You other brothers can't deny

When a girl walks in
With an itty-bitty waist

And a round thing in your face

Yes, yes, yes. Yes! Ha!


I like big butts and I cannot lie

You other brothers can't deny

Oh, Emma, you're laughing!
Oh, you are!

You really do like big butts, don't you?

Oh, you beautiful little weirdo.


- Hey.
- Oh, you missed it! She was laughing!

- Oh, it was amazing.
- Oh.

It was amazing. It was the most
beautiful, beautiful sound.

Oh, I know, isn't it?

Oh, what did you do
to get her to laugh?

Oh, you know, I just...
A couple of things I tried. Different...

Just sang a little
"The Itsy-Bitsy Spider."

You sang "Baby Got Back,"
didn't you?

Nothing else worked!
That girl is all about the ass!

And then it goes back to the chorus.

Smelly cat, smelly cat

It's not your fault

And that's the end of the song.

I realize you hadn't asked
to hear it...

but, um, no one had spoken
in 17 minutes.

Uh, Phoebe writes lots of songs. What
was that one you sang the other night?

Oh, "Pervert Parade"?


- Oh! "Ode to a Pubic Hair"?
- Stop.

Oh, God. Is that veal?

Mom, I thought I told you,
Phoebe's a vegetarian.


No, that's okay. That's okay.
I mean, I am a vegetarian...

except for veal.
Yeah. No. Veal I love. Heh.

- Phoebe, you don't have to eat that.
- Any baby animals. Kittens, fish babies.

But, you know, especially veal.

You know, and this nice vein of fat
running through it.

- Mm. Yummy.
- Ha-ha-ha.


What do you think?

So you stole that tape
from Richard's apartment?

Listen to the judgment
from the porn star!

That tape was never meant
to be seen by...

Joey, I would feel more comfortable
if this conversation were in private.

Ha, ha, Monica, look, I don't think
you and I have any secrets anymore.

Not ready to joke about it yet?
See you later.

Why in the world would you take
this tape? And why would you watch it?

Because that's who I am. Okay?

I'm sure a man like Richard could see
a tape like that and not be bothered.

It'd just be another saucy anecdote...

for him to share at his men's club
over brandy and mustaches.

Is all of this about you not being able
to grow a mustache?

This is about you and Richard.
He's clearly not over you.

He keeps a tape so he can
look at it whenever he wants.

Isn't that sad?
Can't you see how pathetic that is?

Don't be jealous.
You should feel bad for him.

Oh, yeah, well, poor Richard, he...

I can grow a mustache.

This is not our problem. We have
each other. That's all that matters.

But I just keep picturing you rolling
around with him, with your...

cowboy boots in the air.

Cowboy boots? I've never worn
cowboy boots in my whole life.

Oh, good, good. Play more
because I wanna see how it ends.

- That's not me!
- What?

That's not you! Life is good again!

Ride 'em, cowgirl!

That bastard taped over me!

Is that a problem?

It's just so insulting.
Spring for a new blank tape, doctor!

I can't imagine what he sees in her.

She actually makes me miss
that pill-popping ex-wife of his.

- Hello, dear.
- Hey.

- What's going on?
- We were just chitchatting.

- How's your friend?
- A little better.

Do you know who's moving back into
town? Tom and Sue's daughter, Jen.

You remember her, Michael.
She's lovely, well-behaved and single.

- I'm not interested.
- Oh, please, darling, let's be honest.

You can have all the sailor fun
you want with that one.

- But let's be real.
- All right, stop.

All Phoebe has done is try and get you
to like her. Maybe it's not clear...

but she did her best.

- She's a little different than you are.
- Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth.

So what? If I can
get past that, it shouldn't bother you.

You don't have to like her.
Just accept the fact that I do.

If you can't even be civil
to the woman I love...

- The woman you what?
- Yeah, the woman you what?

The woman I love.

I love you.

Something I shouldn't say for
the first time, in front of my parents...

and Tom and Sue.

Who are, by the way, the most sinfully
boring people I've ever met in my life.

- I love you too.
- You do?

Yeah. Ha, ha.

How great is this?

- Wanna get out of here?
- Okay.

- Mom, Dad. Thanks for dinner.
- I had a great time.

It was really top-drawer.

And here's something rich.

Thirteen bathrooms in this place,
I threw up in the coat closet.


She's sweat, wet

Got it going like a turbo 'Vette

- So, fellas!
- Yeah?

- Fellas!
- Yeah?

- Has your girlfriend got the butt?
- Hell, yeah

- So shake it
- Shake it

- Shake it
- Shake it

Shake that nasty butt

Baby got back

One more time from the top!

I like big butts
And I cannot lie

You other brothers...

Rachel, please!
That is so inappropriate!