Friends (1994–2004): Season 9, Episode 21 - The One with the Fertility Test - full transcript

It's so weird. How did Joey
end up kissing Charlie last night?

- I thought you'd end up kissing Charlie.
- I thought I'd end up kissing Charlie too.

But surprise!

I missed most of the party.

Charlie's a girl, right?

Yeah, she's this new professor
in my department that I did not kiss.

I don't know why Joey had to kiss her.
Of all the girls at the party, God!

- Why do you care so much?
- Yes, Rachel. Why do you care so much?

Because Ross is the father of my child.

You know, and I want him
to hook up with lots of women.

All I'm saying is, I don't think that Joey
and Charlie have anything in common.



I don't know. They seemed to have
a shared interest in each other's tonsils.

Wow. Joey and a professor.
Can you imagine if they had kids?

And if the kids got her intelligence...

and Joey's raw sexual magnetism...

those nerds would get laid!

All right. So, Ross, you're
okay with all this? I mean...

It's no big deal.
I just met her. I'm fine with it.

God, I forgot how hot she was.

- I'm gonna get some more coffee.
- Hi.

- Oh, you know, I'll come with you.
- Okay.

- So a professor, huh?
- Yeah. She is cool. And she's so smart.

Her mind is totally acrimonious.

Guess that's not how she used it.

I feel like I owe you an explanation.



I don't ordinarily go around
kissing guys at parties.

I'm...

Well, I'm kind of embarrassed. I really
hope you don't think less of me.

Think less of you? No.
I don't think less of you.

I mean, you saw someone you liked
and you kissed them.

Those people who like someone
and don't kiss them...

those people are stupid.
I hate those people.

Actually, I'm a little surprised
at myself.

I mean, Joey's so different
from the guys I usually date.

They're all professors, intellectuals.
Paleontologists mostly.

- You know, very cerebral...
- Yeah, I know the type.

If we want to grab a bite before work,
we'd better get acrimonious.

No?
Am I getting close?

- Hey!
- Hi.

Hey, you guys.
Look what I just got.

Oh, wow! I love those!
Where did you get them?

I bought them off eBay. They used
to belong to the late Shania Twain.

Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive.

Oh, then I overpaid.

Hey, what's this?

Oh, it's a gift certificate
to this new spa in SoHo.

You can't show Phoebe this. She hates
those corporate massage chains.

What, now I can't get a massage?

There are so many things
that she disapproves of.

I can't eat veal. I can't wear fur.

I can't go hunting.

- Do you want to go hunting?
- I would like to have the option.

- What's that? Hey, Rachel?
- Ah...

No, you can't go there!

You know how I feel about
these big massage places.

They're putting people like me
out of business.

She wants to go hunting too!

Phoebe, come on,
I don't want to waste it.

It would be like throwing
away 100 bucks.

Okay, this is not about
the money. Okay?

It's about corporate greed
destroying our hearts...

and leaving us hollow shells.

I don't care about any of that.

Well, do you care about friendship?
I feel really strongly about this.

Please don't use this gift certificate.
I'm asking you as a friend.

Oh, not as a friend. Phoebe!

Fine. I won't use it.

- Promise?
- I promise.

- Thank you.
- Well, I am going hunting.

Hey, honey. I missed you today.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. Hey.

- What do you wanna do tonight?
- Oh, well, maybe we could, uh...

Okay, trying to turn me on
by making a mess?

Know your audience.

Besides, tomorrow we're doing
those fertility tests.

Until then, you need to keep
your tadpoles in the tank.

Do we really need to take those tests?

We've been trying
to have a baby for a year.

I think it's a good idea
to find out if everything's okay.

- Just a few routine tests.
- But I don't want to do it in a cup.

- What is the big deal?
- It's weird! You're in a doctor's office.

It's not okay to do it
in a doctor's office...

but it is okay to do it in
a parked car behind a Taco Bell?

I cannot believe Ross told you that.

And in my defense, it was a Wendy's.

Look, I don't want to do
these tests either.

But I really do think
it's a good idea.

I'm sure a doctor's office
can't be worse...

than on a class trip
to the Hershey factory.

Oh, yeah! Rachel talks too!

Who says wine has to cost
more than milk?

- Hey!
- Hi.

- Come on in. How are you?
- I'm good.

- Can I offer you a drink?
- Please.

I have been crazed all day.

I had a meeting with the dean,
my syllabus for summer school's due...

and I'm writing the foreword
for a book.

I had a pretty hectic day at work too.
Today I had to open a door and go:

So I am just so excited to be here.

- I can't wait to explore the city.
- If you need a tour guide...

Oh, you mean it?
That would be so fun.

Oh, yeah, definitely. Definitely. Okay.
What do you want to see first?

We could go see the Kronos Quartet
at Avery Fisher Hall.

Okay.

There's a collection of Walt Whitman
letters on display at the public library.

I know.

- But first, I have to see the Met.
- Okay, let me stop you right there.

The Mets suck, okay?

You wanna see the Yankees.

No. No, not the Mets.
The Met. Singular.

Which one? They all suck.

The museum.

I don't think so.

- Hi there.
- Hello. Welcome to Lavender Day Spa.

How may I help you?

Hi. I have a massage appointment
under Rachel Green.

- Okay.
- And here is my gift certificate.

- This has been torn up.
- And taped back together.

Okay. Well, I'll call you as soon
as your massage therapist is ready.

- Okay.
- Have a seat through the glass doors.

- Through the glass doors.
- Through the glass doors.

Alrighty then.

Phoebe, your next client's
in the waiting room.

Do we have to talk like that
when they're not around?

Oh, no. No, no.

Listen, is there someone
who can fill in for me?

- Sorry. Everyone is booked.
- That woman can't know I work here.

She's a friend of mine
and I made this big stink...

about how awful
these massage chains are.

- Then why do you work here?
- Because it's good money.

But that doesn't change the fact...

that this is an evil, bloodsucking
corporate machine.

Well, I think this is a great place
to work.

Okay, are they listening?

- Ross. Hey.
- Hi.

I need to talk to you about Charlie.

Oh, do you? Do you really?

Yeah, I'm kind of having
a little problem.

Look, if you don't know what the word
"acrimonious" means, just don't use it.

Look, you know Charlie, right?

- She's cool, funny, her body is so...
- Get to the problem.

Right. She's just so much smarter
than all the girls I've ever dated.

Combined.

You know? And I just...
I don't want her to think I'm stupid.

Are you wearing two belts?

Hey, what do you know?

You were saying you didn't want
to seem stupid.

Well, she wants to go
to all these cultural places...

and I don't know how to talk about
that stuff. You gotta help me out.

I don't want to get involved
in your guys' relationship.

Oh, dude, please. Come on,
you're the smartest person I know.

And I really like this girl, okay?
I don't want to lose her.

- Fine.
- Thanks.

Okay. Let's see.

- Oh, you should take her to the Met.
- The Mets.

No, no, no. The Met.
The Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Oh, that's what she meant.

If they're gonna shorten it, they
should call it the "Muse," you know?

Short for "museum"
and avoid all the confusion.

Yeah, most days the place is packed
with confused, angry baseball fans.

Okay. All right,
so I'll take her to the Met.

Yeah. Okay. There's this great
rare bookstore on Madison Avenue.

You know what?
She loves architecture.

You should take a walk down Fifth
to the St. Patrick's Cathedral.

And there, there's this great
little pastry shop that she'd love.

Jeez. Sounds like you
should be going on this date.

But I'm not.

- And you know what...?
- Okay, slow down.

You're going way too fast. Okay?

- Just go back to the Met.
- Okay.

So you gotta tell me exactly
what to do there.

When you walk into the museum,
take a right, okay?

That's the antiquities wing.

Ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia,
up to the Byzantine Empire.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay. So I walk in the door
and make a right.

I have a weird feeling about
this place. How do I know...

they won't secretly videotape me
and put it all over the Internet?

Because, honey, and I mean this
in the sweetest way possible...

nobody's gonna wanna watch that.

Mr. Bing? Here you are.

Go into that room and deposit
your specimen into the container.

Deposit my specimen?

I usually have to call a 900 number
for that kind of talk.

Thanks. Got it.

All right. Honey, my tests
are down the hall.

- Are you sure you're gonna be okay?
- Yeah, I guess.

Look, I know this is embarrassing,
but nobody cares.

No one here even knows you.

Oh, my God!

Oh, come on!

How great is this?

We're probably fertile.
Let's go home.

Why are you here?

Sid and I are trying again
and we had trouble last time...

No, no, no. I mean, why?
Why is she here?

Oh, someone's a little cranky today because
they have to do it in a cup. Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, they gave you the kiddie size.

What?

This was fun. But I've got
an invasive vaginal exam to get to.

I'd love to stay
but I've got a hot date.

Please go. Just let me know
if you need a hand. Ha, ha, ha.

I think it just fell off.

Hello, ja.

It's time for your massage, ja?

Put your face in the hole.

A Swedish massage
from a real Swedish person.

Okay, then I'm Swedish.

So, what's your name?

It's a normal Swedish name.

Ikea.

- Wow. What an interesting name.
- Yeah.

- You know, I...
- Time for your scalp massage.

Oh.

Wow. I really love your...

- Is something wrong?
- No, it's just, um...

It just feels so good...

lkea.

Hey, say, you'll know this.
What's the capital of Sweden?

Um...

Stockholm.

Damn. I wish I knew
if that was right.

Note the painterly lines
and subtle impasto on this canvas.

Monet painted quickly,
and usually outdoors...

as his elusive subject
was light itself.

Now, do you have any idea
what you just said?

No, no. My mouth says the words,
my brain is thinking "monster trucks."

Now, remember,
when you get to the museum...

Monet is not spelled M-O-N-A-Y.
I just...

- I wrote that out phonetically for you.
- Phonetically?

Yeah, that means...
We just don't have time for this.

I gotta say, I'm really impressed you
were able to memorize all this so quickly.

I'm an actor.
I can memorize anything.

Last week on Days, I had to say:

"Frontal temporal
zygomatic craniotomy."

- Wow. What does that mean?
- No idea.

But the guy I said it to
dies in the next scene...

so I guess it means,
"You'll get eaten by a bear."

Okay.

- So let's move on to the Renaissance.
- Okay.

Caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here...

to highlight the anguish
of the central figure.

Touch it. It's really bumpy.

Nuh-uh. Uh-uh. No, no, no. No ad-libbing.
And, dude, you can't touch the paintings.

- Come on.
- No. No!

My specimen's in the room.

I just want to thank whoever knocked
on the door while I was in there.

Really helped speed the process along.

Janice, you're not gone?

Sid is still in his room.

I don't allow porn at home,
so this is like a vacation for him.

So did you do it?
Did you make your deposit?

- Yeah. The hard part's over.
- That's not the hard part, honey.

The hard part's what comes next.
Aren't you worried about the results?

I haven't even thought
about the results.

I just assumed everything
would be okay.

Well, you know what? It probably is.

But what if it's not okay?

I mean, what if there's a reason
we can't have a baby?

Chandler. Look, you and Monica
are meant to have children.

I'm sure it's gonna be just fine.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Thanks. I can't
believe I didn't even think of that.

I guess I was so worried about
having to come here and do that.

You can do it
in a Taco Bell parking lot...

but you can't do it
at a doctor's office?

It was a Wendy's!

And that's the Swedish national anthem.
Thank you for asking.

Wow, lkea.

What a rich culture.

You know what?
I have a friend who's a masseuse.

- Oh? Ja, ja?
- Ja. She's not very good, though.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

- And why do you think that is?
- I don't know.

Maybe it's because she's got
such callousy fingers...

from playing crummy guitar.

Or maybe she has trouble
loosening your knots...

because you're such
a high-maintenance tight-ass.

- Phoebe!
- You know it's me?

Well, for like a half an hour!

Man, you can lie about Sweden!

How can you come here?

- Why didn't you tell me you work here?
- I don't have to tell you everything!

You do if you're gonna make me feel
guilty for getting a free massage.

- Tip's not included.
- Oh!

Why did you lie to me
about working here?

Because I was ashamed, okay?
I sold out for the cash.

And they give me benefits, like medical
and dental and a four-oh-wunk.

But, you know, you pay a price.
Now I'm this corporate stooge...

and punching a clock...

and paying taxes!

Phoebe, honey,
if you hate it so much...

you should walk out there
right now and quit.

Be true to what you believe in.

Honey, you have principles,
and I so admire that.

I don't have any.

You know what? You're right.
I am gonna quit.

- It's time I took my life back.
- Good for you, Pheebs.

Okay.

If you guys have microphones in
there too, I didn't mean any of that.

I love you.

Aha! Got you! Die! Die! Die!

- Respectfully, Professor R. Geller. Hey.
- Hi.

- Hey, how was the Met?
- Oh!

- The museum was amazing.
- Yeah?

Yeah, Joey really knows his art, huh?

Not so much, no.

He had clearly memorized
all this stuff to say...

and some of it didn't
even make any sense.

- What do you mean?
- Well, for one...

he was talking about paintings
that were nowhere around.

Wait a minute. When you guys walked
into the Met, did you go to the right?

- No. No, we went to the left.
- Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey.

Still, it seems like you guys
are having a great time together.

Yeah. Yeah, it's fun.

What?

Actually, Joey's your friend...

and you don't know me that well.
It'd be weird.

Well, I mean, a little.
But no, what? Go on.

Well...

I'm thinking that maybe Joey
isn't the right guy for me right now.

You know, maybe I should
be with someone...

I have more in common with.
You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah, but you know what?

I think you should give Joey a chance.

I mean, he's a great guy.

And sure, he doesn't know
that much about art...

but you can always talk about
that with someone else.

- I guess that's true.
- If you think about it...

he memorized all that stuff because
he thought it was important to you.

You know, that's the kind of guy
Joey is.

He is very sweet.

Plus, he is hot!

That was gonna be my next argument.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You ready?
- Yeah. Let's go.

Wow.

- Thanks, Ross.
- Yeah.

Hey, Ross. That art stuff worked.
You hooked me up.

Glad I could help, man.

Some of the stuff wasn't where you said
it would be, but I made it work.

It is not okay that I'm aroused
by this now.

Hello?

Oh. Hi, Dr. Connelly.

No. Well, she's not here...

but I can tell her.

Should I be sitting down for this?

Oh.

Uh-huh.

Well, so, what does that mean?

Okay. Okay, thank you.

Thanks.

Hey, sweetie.

Dr. Connelly just called.

With good news?
Of course it's not good news.

You said, "Dr. Connelly just called."

If it was good, you'd have said,
"Dr. Connelly just called!"

So, what is it? Is it?

Is there a problem? Is there
a problem with me, or with you?

Actually, it's both of us.

What?

Apparently, my sperm
have low motility...

and you have
an inhospitable environment.

Oh.

Well, what does that mean?

It means that my guys won't
get off their Barcaloungers...

and you have a uterus that is
prepared to kill the ones that do.

- It means...
- Wait, Chandler.

It means that we can keep trying...

but there's a good chance
this may never happen for us.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

Well...

we're gonna figure this out.

I know.

- Good morning, Phoebe.
- Good morning, receptionist.

Here's your schedule for the day.
Your first client is in Room 1.

"Rachel Green."
Son of a bitch! She came back?

Are you ready for your Scottish massage?

Put your face in the hole, lassie!