Friends (1994–2004): Season 9, Episode 2 - The One Where Emma Cries - full transcript

You said you'd marry Joey?

Okay, you have to realize,
I was exhausted, I was emotional.

I would have said yes to anybody.

Like that time
when you and I got married.

I'm not helping.

So you said yes to him,
and you just had our baby?

That is right. And traditionally,
the daddy gives the mommy a present.

But I am prepared to let that go.

So when I came here to see if you
wanted to maybe start things up again...

you were engaged to my best friend?

Well...



Really?

I thought Chandler
was your best friend.

- Well, Chandler's my oldest friend.
- Mm-hm.

- Joey's my... No! Uh-uh!
- Ah.

Hey, I'm gonna take off.
I just wanted to say goodbye.

Rachel said she'd marry you?

This isn't the right room. Sorry, folks.

I don't want to be negative. So I'll say
most of the signs you bought are good.

No, they ran out of "It's a Girl!"
But I can fix this one.

- See? Huh?
- Mm.

So sexy.

- Honey?
- Yeah?

- Honey, why don't you lie down?
- It's okay.

Ross and Rachel will be back soon,
and then I gotta go to the office.



Am I producing them?

- Why are you so tired?
- I couldn't sleep last night.

I started worrying about this big
divisional meeting I have today.

The more I worried,
the more I couldn't sleep.

You know, and then I was, like, "If I fall
asleep now, I'll get six hours' sleep.

But if I fall asleep now,
I'll get five hours' sleep."

No matter what I did,
I couldn't fall asleep.

You know what you should've done?
Told yourself that little story.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Welcome home.
- Hi.

Phoebe did the signs.

Oh, you guys, thanks for doing this.

- Look at all that stuff
people sent. -Oh.

Oh! Ha, ha.

Oh, my gosh. Look, there's something
every mother needs.

A giant, stuffed gorilla that takes up
the entire apartment.

What are people think...?
Oh, you guys, I love it.

Hey, so, uh, where's Ross?

Uh, he's downstairs getting the stuff
out of the cab.

- Uh, is he still mad at us?
- Well, you more than me.

But he can't stay too mad at me.
I mean, I just had his baby. Ha, ha.

That's not fair. I can't do that.

I'm not sure you should be here
when he comes up.

I didn't think I should be here either.
But somebody said he'd be over it.

Hey, what do I know?
I wanted to get a bigger gorilla.

The numbers we're seeing in Chicago,
New York and London are solid.

But many of our field offices
have reported disappointing yields.

Boston is down. Atlanta is down.
Houston is down.

I could go on and on.
But instead of boring you...

I'll go straight to my 42-point plan.

Walter.

She's just so cute.

Oh, I just want to bite her ear off
and use it as a sucking candy.

Mm-hm.

Phoebe. Ha, ha.

But I could take one of those little feet
and put it in a pita pocket.

- Okay. I put most of the stuff away.
- Oh, great. The pacifiers?

- Uh, it's in the, uh, cupboard.
- The, uh, burping cloths?

- Uh, linen closet.
- The diapers?

In the hospital.

Wow, you guys got a hospital? Fancy.

No, I, uh, left the diapers
at the hospital.

There's some in the bag,
but I'll run out and get some more.

All right, thanks. Oh, could you stop
at the coffeehouse and get me a muffin?

- Oh, sure. What kind?
- Um, let me think.

What do I want?

Please, take your time.
It's an important decision, not like...

say, I don't know, deciding to marry
someone. This is about a muffin.

- Blueberry.
- Blueberry it is.

Thank you.

- Wow, he's not letting this go,
is he? -Unh.

God, how long do you think
that's gonna last?

I don't know. He got over the
"We were on a break" thing quickly.

You know what,
I can't worry about it right now.

- Because I've got the cutie little baby.
- Hmm.

Oh. I can't believe how much I love her.
I mean, I can't get enough of her.

Like, right now? I miss her.
I actually miss her.

You know, that's her?

Oh, God, look at her sleeping.
Oh, I love her so much.

- I think I'm gonna wake her up. Ha, ha.
- Oh, Rach, no.

You know, you're never
supposed to wake a sleeping baby.

Well, I can do whatever I want.
I made her.

Come on, little girl.
Oh, yes. Hello, Emma. Hello. Hi.

Well, I would say I told you so,
but she's kind of doing that for me.

I'm sorry. Oh, Mommy's so sorry.
Go back to sleep. Shh, shh, shh.

Go back to sleep.

- Oh, it breaks your heart, doesn't it?
- Oh, it really does.

How long do you think
we have to stay?

Okay, if everyone's on board,
it's settled.

Chandler?

- Chandler?
- Yeah.

Are you on board?

Yes.

Well, then problem solved.
Chandler will run our office in Tulsa.

You're gonna love Oklahoma.

All right. We already tried feeding her,
changing her, burping her...

Oh, try this one. "Go back in time
and listen to Phoebe."

- All right, here's something.
- What?

It says to try holding the baby
close to your body...

and then swing her rapidly
from side to side.

Okay.

It worked!

Oh. No. Just stopped to throw up
a little bit.

Oh.

Oh. Mon, what am I gonna do?

It's been hours,
and it won't stop crying.

- She, Rach. Not it. She.
- Yeah. I'm not so sure.

- Oh, my God, I'm losing my mind.
- Yeah, no kidding.

All right, this just proves no good
can come from having sex with Ross!

Hey, Gunther. Can I get a couple
of blueberry muffins to go?

- Diapers, huh?
- Yep.

So I guess Rachel had your baby?

- Yep. Can you believe it?
- Nope.

I can't even believe
she slept with you in the first place.

Huh?

Oh. Oh. You, ha, ha,
mean, like, uh...

Huh?

Hey.

I know you're pissed at me,
but we have to talk about this.

Uh, actually, uh, we don't.

Fine. Okay. But I gotta say, technically,
I didn't even do anything wrong.

What? You didn't do anything wrong?

- I said I didn't technically.
- Okay.

Let's put aside the fact
that you "accidentally"...

picked up my grandmother's ring and
you "accidentally" proposed to Rachel.

Can I just stop you there
for a second?

When people do this:

I don't really know what that means.

You were saying?

And I could even understand
that you couldn't tell Rachel.

But why couldn't you tell me, huh?
You had all day to, and you didn't.

I know. I should've.
"I'm sorry."

Not using it right, Joe.

Oh. "I'm sorry."

- I'm gonna go.
- No, come on.

- Ross, we have to get past this.
- Give me the bag.

No, I don't know what else to do.
I said I'm sorry, now...

Now you should scream at me
or curse me or hit me.

- I'm not gonna hit you.
- You'll feel better. I'll feel better.

You know you want to,
I can see it in your eyes.

- No, I don't.
- A little bit.

- No.
- Little bit.

- No.
- A little bit more.

- Give me the bag. Give me the bag.
- No, hit me. Hit me.

- Give me the bag. I'm not kidding.
- Hit me.

- No.
- Hit me. Hit me. Hit me!

- You ducked!
- I'm sorry! It was a reflex!

- Oh, my God! This really hurts!
- I couldn't help it.

When a fist comes at your face,
you duck. Look.

What is the matter with you?

You were supposed to duck!
Why didn't you?

Let's talk on the way to the hospital.

Good. Yeah, maybe while we're there,
they can check your reflexes.

Oops!

- Try feeding her again.
- I already fed her.

I know. That's why I said, "Again!"

You guys,
we can't turn on each other, okay?

That's just what she wants.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Monica, can I talk to you outside?

Just stay here. I'm gonna check her
diaper. Pheebs, you wanna come?

Oh, I'm kind of part of this.

Actually, it's a husband-and-wife
kind of thing.

I knew I should've married Chandler.

- Okay, what's up?
- Okay. Um, ahem.

You know we said it would be fun
to move to Paris for a year?

And you could study French cooking,
and I could write...

and we could picnic along the Seine,
and go wine-tasting in Bordeaux.

- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.

You know how people say
that Tulsa...

is the Paris of Oklahoma?

What? Who says that?

People who have never been
to Paris?

- Well, what's going on?
- We're moving to Tulsa.

Oh.

- Excuse me?
- Okay.

Ms. McKenna, she kind of,
uh, works above my boss...

She asked me to move to Tulsa and
be president of our office there.

And I was sleeping
and apparently said yes.

- Tulsa, Oklahoma?
- The Sooner State.

Whatever that is.

Chandler, I don't even want to see
the musical Oklahoma.

"Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin"'?
"Surrey With the Fringe on Top"?

Are you trying to tell me we're moving
to Oklahoma or that you're gay?

All right, not that this matters, but did
they at least offer you a huge raise?

No. But they are going to lease us
a Ford Focus.

- I'll get out of it.
- Thank you.

- What is wrong with Emma?
- Oh, she misunderstood.

She thought she was moving to Tulsa.

Ma'am, uh, do you have a minute?

I kind of have some bad news.
I don't think I can move to Tulsa.

- What?
- Uh, it's a funny story, actually.

Ha, ha. Ahem.

Um, I kind of fell asleep
in the meeting this morning.

So when I said I'd move to Tulsa,
I didn't really know what I was saying.

You fell asleep?

But only because I was up all night
worried about this meeting.

Isn't that funny?

Irony. Not a fan? All right.

See, here's the thing.

I went home and told my wife
about Tulsa, and she won't go.

See me, I love Tulsa. Tulsa is heaven.
Tulsa is Italy.

Please don't make me go there.

- Chandler, I...
- No, no, no.

Look, Carol. Can I call you Carol?

Why would I
when your name is Elaine?

Sorry. Oh!

What a great picture of your son.
Strapping.

That's a picture of your daughter,
isn't it?

Well, she's lovely.
I like a girl with a strong jaw.

I'll call you from Tulsa.

Hey. So, uh, how is it?

- I broke my thumb.
- Your thumb?

That's weird.
Are you sure you're punching right?

Make a fist.

Maybe later.

Ross, I feel terrible.

You know what, you can go.
I just have to, uh, fill out some forms.

You, uh, want me to help you with that?

Why, does it look like I'm having
trouble with my misshapen claw?

Name?

No, I know Ross.
But what's it short for?

You know, like Rossell.

Or, uh...

Or Rosstrophor.

Just Ross.

Oh.

It's pretty.

- Okay, date of birth?
- You know my birthday.

Sure.

May... tember?

- October 18.
- Occupation? Dinosaurs.

Actually, I'm a paleon...
Dinosaurs is fine.

The drawing is not.

All right. Uh, who do you want
as your emergency contact?

- Uh, Rachel, I guess.
- Okay. Relationship?

Ooh, boy, this could take a while.

Just, uh...

- Just put roommate.
- Come on.

You guys are more than that.

- You're gonna get together, right?
- Ahem.

I don't think that we are.

But you two are supposed
to be together.

Well, I thought so too.
But then she said she'd marry you.

Come on, Ross,
that didn't mean anything.

She'd just had the baby. She was
all freaked out about doing it alone.

- She would have said yes to anybody.
- Yeah, that's what she said.

- So?
- So I don't want to be just anybody.

- Wow.
- You know what?

It's better this way anyway.

I don't know what I was thinking,
going down that road again with us.

It's just much easier if we're
just friends who have a kid.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- And you're okay with that?
- Yes. That's what we always planned.

And if you have a plan,
you should stick to it.

That's why they call them plans.
Hello? Ha, ha.

I'm fine.

Hey, for what it's worth...

with Rachel, I don't think
you'll ever be just "anybody."

Hey, there you go.

"Thanks."

Oh, my God.
How long has she been crying?

- About a week and a half.
- Oh.

Well, it looks like you guys got it
under control, so I'm just gonna go.

No? Really?
Misery really does love company?

All right.

- Try holding her a different way.
- Look, I'm doing the best I can.

- Anyone else is welcome to try.
- All right, I'll try. Fine.

- Yes. Okay.
- Okay, here you go.

- Okay.
- Oh, gosh.

Shh.

Nothing works with this child!

Oh, God, what am I gonna do, you guys?
I can't even comfort my own baby.

- I'm the worst mother ever.
- No, you're just new at this.

You'll get better. Think about
your first day at work.

That couldn't have been easy,
but you figured that out.

Yeah, I don't think dressing
provocatively is going to help me here!

- Oh, God, just please take her.
- Okay, I'll take her. Come here.

Oh, I have to go to the bathroom.

- Okay.
- I have to go scream into a pillow.

Bouncy. Bouncy baby. Bouncy baby.

Oh, baby, baby. Oh, baby, baby.

Oh, baby, baby, baby.

Have I gone deaf?

It worked. Oh, baby, baby, baby.
Oh, baby, baby, baby.

You must be a fireball in bed!

I can't believe it. She's asleep.
I got her to go to sleep.

Oh.

I have actual magical powers.

I can hear traffic and birds.

I can hear the voices in my head
again.

I'm kidding.

Oh, my God!
You got her to stop crying!

Yes, I did. I'm Monica, super aunt.

- You are the official baby-crier stopper.
- Yes, I am.

- Oh. You're never leaving the apartment.
- Say what?

That's your new job, day or night.
She starts crying, I need you here.

- Oh, no, no, no.
- Thankfully, you don't need me at all.

So okay. Hey, super aunt?
See you later. Ha, ha.

Rachel?
Let's give it six to eight months.

Oh.

Okay, so listen,
I'm gonna go lay down.

What?

The book says whenever
she's sleeping, I should be sleeping.

So...

Thank you.

- Hey.
- Shh.

- We just got her to go to sleep.
- Oh, so there can't be any yelling?

No.

We're moving to Tulsa.

- What?!
- Shh. Shh.

- Chandler...
- Shh.

Shh!

I can't... I can't hear.

- Hey.
- Hey. Where have you been?

- What happened to you?
- Uh, I had a little thing with Joey.

If you think this is bad,
you should see him. Ha, ha.

Oh. No, Ross, this is not good.

We have to talk about this Joey thing.
Please sit.

All right, you have got to get over
this Joey thing.

Okay? I never really wanted
to marry Joey, okay?

Okay.

You know what I really, really want?

What, Rach?

I wanna sleep.

I wanna eat.
I wanna take a shower.

I mean, before she wakes up,
and we gotta do this all over again.

- Right.
- I mean, because I got news for you.

Emma: Not easy.

- Well, that's what I'm here for.
- Mm-hm.

- You want me to get that?
- No, that's really okay.

- Monica?
- Got it, got it, got it, got it.

Uh, I've been thinking about this.
And I gotta tell you, it's not my fault.

- It's a natural instinct.
- What are you talking about?

Okay, what would you do if I did this?