Friends (1994–2004): Season 9, Episode 18 - The One with the Lottery - full transcript

Monica?
Hey, can I borrow the Porsche?

- Okay.
- All right!

But, uh, ahem, what is it not?

A place to entertain my lady friends.

- And what else is it not?
- A place to eat spaghetti.

- Very good.
- Thanks.

- What do you need it for anyway?
- The, uh, lottery is up to 300 million...

- and they don't sell tickets here.
- So you're driving up to Connecticut?

Yeah, Connecticut.
Not West Virginia.

Maybe I'll drive you up there.
I'd like to buy some tickets myself.

Yeah, with Chandler not getting paid,
we could really use $300 million.



Yes, because if I was at my old job,
we'd say, "300 million? No, thank you."

- Will you get me tickets too?
- Yeah, me too.

- Sure.
- Ooh! I have an idea.

Why don't we all pitch in 50 bucks,
we'll pool our money together...

- and then if we win, we'll split it.
- That's a great idea!

No, thanks.

- You don't want to win the lottery?
- Uh, sure I do.

I also want to be king
of my own country...

and find out what happened
to Amelia Earhart.

- Still on Amelia Earhart?
- The woman just vanished!

Seriously, you don't want in on this?

No. Do you know what your odds
are of winning the lottery?

I mean, you have a better chance
of being struck by lightning 42 times.

But there's six of us, so we'd
only have to get struck 7 times.



I like those odds!

Seriously, you guys, I can't believe
you're gonna spend $250 on the lottery.

I mean, that's such a bunch
of boo-hockey.

I'll ask.

"Boo-hockey"?

Oh, we think Emma's about
to start talking...

so we're trying to be careful about
what words we use in front of her.

So get ready to hear a lot
of, uh, boo-hockey...

gosh darn it and brother pucker.

How do you know
she's gonna start talking?

When I talk to her, I almost feel
like she understands what I'm saying.

Kind of like Joey.

What's that now?

God, look at all these tickets.
It's so exciting.

I haven't won anything
since sixth grade.

Pie-eating contest?

You assume because I was heavy that's
the only way I could win something?

No, I saw a picture
of you covered in blueberries.

- That was a good day.
- Yeah.

- They're towing your car!
- I'm parked in a garage on Morton.

They're towing a car.

And I am seeing spots.

Ross, you don't have Emma!
Rachel, you don't have Emma!

- Where's Emma? Who has Emma?
- Joey, relax.

My mother picked her up two hours ago.
You were there.

- I was?
- Yes, and you talked to her.

- I did?
- She dropped off a casserole.

Oh, yeah, the casserole lady.

Did you come by to watch
us win the big bucks?

Yeah. And then I figured after you win,
we can all go out to the balcony...

and see a night rainbow
with gremlins dancing on top of it.

Don't touch the phone!
I'll get it! I'll get it!

- You think he washed his hands?
- Hello?

- Hey, Charlie, what do you know?
- What's going on?

Chandler's supposed to find out if he's
getting a job at his agency.

But out of 15 interns,
they're only hiring three.

- Ooh. Tough odds.
- Yeah.

If only it were a sure thing
like your 24-state lottery.

Yeah, look who's coming around!

Damn it. All right, call me
when you know more.

- Did you get it?
- One of the slots got filled.

- By you?
- Sense the tone.

- No, that kid Nate got it.
- Oh, I hate that guy.

- I mean, come on, pull up your pants!
- I know.

Well, there's two spots left, right?

Yeah. I mean, I want this so much.
I want to get one.

I want my friend Charlie
to get one.

Except I don't care about Charlie.

Hey!

You are not gonna believe this.
I just saw my psychic...

and she said I was definitely
gonna win the lottery tonight!

I thought we could use
some extra luck...

so I brought a wishbone home
from work.

A psychic and a wishbone?
Guys, give someone else a chance.

- All right, who wants to do it?
- Ooh, can I?

Vegetarians never get
to do the wishbone.

It's really not fair.
Just because we don't eat the meat...

doesn't mean we don't like
to play with the carcasses.

All right. Rash'?

I don't want that turkey smell
all over my hands.

I'll do it! It'll get the casserole
stink off of mine.

- I hope I win.
- Well, it doesn't really matter.

You're both wishing
for the same thing.

I can't tell you what I'm wishing for, or
else, you know, it won't come true. Ha, ha.

Right. But we know
what you're wishing for.

- I can't really say.
- I understand.

But you're wishing
for what we think, aren't you?

I'm not really comfortable
with these questions!

- Please!
- Just do it!

Okay. One, two, three.

I won! Hey!

You know what? I'm sure your
wish is gonna come true.

But, you guys, just in case, maybe a
genie will come out if we rub this lamp.

Ow!

That thing gets hot!

Ross, just keep making yourjokes.

How are you gonna feel
if we actually do win?

- Uh, you're not gonna win.
- I know the odds are against us...

but somebody has to win, and it could
be us. And then how you gonna feel?

We're gonna be like, "Everybody, let's
take our helicopters up to the Cape."

And you're gonna be all,
like, "Oh, I can't, guys.

I'll have to meet you up there.
I gotta gas up the Hyundai."

Okay, I've heard myself on tape,
and I sound nothing like that.

I can see the headline now:
"Lottery Winners' Friend...

Filled With Regret,
Eats Own Arm."

Why would I eat my own arm?

Well, you wouldn't, but we own the
paper. We can print whatever we want.

You know what? I'm gonna
throw in 50 bucks for you.

- Why?
- Because I know that you think...

that the lottery is boo-hockey...

but we're all here, and we're gonna
watch the numbers and have fun.

And you're my brother,
and I want you to be a part of this.

You don't have to do that.
I mean, I'll pay for myself.

But just the fact that you want me to
have fun with you guys, that's so sweet.

Come here.

Get a room.

So now that you're in,
what are you gonna do if we win?

- I don't know. I'll probably just invest it.
- Ooh. Calm down.

Seriously, that's your fantasy?
To invest it?

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I say, "invest it"?
I meant, "Be cool and piss it all away."

Oh! Oh! I know! We should pool all
our money and buy the Knicks!

I don't really care about the Knicks.

You will when I pick you
as starting forward.

You would do that?
I never get picked!

I'm not sure a sports team
is the way to go.

You won't let me buy the Knicks?
I can't believe you're taking this away.

You're right, it has been your dream
for over 15 seconds.

Uh, how long until they announce
the numbers, Mommy?

I'll take this one too. Uh, "Mommy"?

Oh, I've gotten into the habit
of calling Rachel "Mommy"...

when we're around Emma.

Which I now realize we are not.

I'm hoping that if she hears it enough...

- it'll be her first word.
- Oh.

Although if we're gonna do that,
we should probably call me "Daddy" too.

Mm. I like that, Daddy.

I, uh... I was just talking about Rachel.

Ooh, is Daddy getting angry?

Is Daddy gonna spank me?

Well, that depends.

Have you been a bad...? No, I can't.

Hello? Hello? Hey, Charlie.
Did anybody else hear?

What? Susan got it? How?

Oh, man, I would've slept with him!

All right, bye.

Dude, I'm sorry.
But hey, there's one spot left, right?

- Well, Charlie's gonna get that.
- Hey, don't say that.

You've got just as good a chance
of getting that job.

He is the boss' son.

- Come on, lottery!
- Yeah!

- It starts in, like, 20 minutes.
- Okay, here we go.

We need to sort through the tickets
quickly to see if we've won.

So does anybody have any ideas
how to organize this?

Okay, how about this:

We divide them
into six groups of 40.

The remaining 10 can be read
by whoever finishes first.

- I have another idea.
- I'm sorry, idea time is over.

- Well, are all the tickets in the bowl?
- Yeah.

- What about the ones on the nightstand?
- There are no tickets there.

Yes, there are.
I just saw them a few minutes ago.

Heh. Uh, no, you didn't.
You must be mistaken.

- There are 20 tickets on the nightstand.
- Chandler, sense the tone.

Well, well, well.
Look what Mommy found.

Okay, fine. I bought 20 extra
tickets for me and Chandler.

The psychic also said
that I would be betrayed.

I can't believe this.
I thought we were all in this together.

- Hey, you just got in five minutes ago!
- Three minutes ago!

I don't know why that's important.

I was with you the whole time.
When did you even get those?

When you were reading the dirty
magazines without taking off the plastic.

I'll show you how.

Okay. Well, Monica, suppose one
of your special tickets wins?

How are you gonna feel when you win
and lose your friends?

Please. If I win the lottery,
you guys are not gonna leave me.

Someone gave me muffins last week.
I couldn't get rid of you for three days!

Chandler, would you just tell her
what she did was wrong?

She's right. You shouldn't have
bought tickets just for us.

Let me finish.

However, it doesn't look like
I'm gonna get this job...

so I can't afford to have principles.
So screw you! The tickets are ours!

There's the man I married.

All right. Believe me,
if you win the lottery...

it's the last you're gonna hear from us.

Fine. Don't be my friends.
I'll buy new friends.

Yeah, and then I'll pay for their plastic
surgery so they look just like you!

You know what?
I want my share of the tickets.

I want my tickets too!
And I'm buying the Knicks!

And Steffi Graf! Ha, ha.

Cool. Then I want mine too!
And if I win...

I'm gonna put it all
into a very low-yield bond!

No. You guys, we gotta keep
all the tickets together.

No. No, we should divide them up...

and I should get extra because
we used my car!

Hey! Hey! If anybody gets extra tickets,
it should be me!

- This whole thing was my idea!
- Yeah. Thanks for inventing the lottery!

Just give them to me,
and I'll split them up!

- Ow!
- Ah!

- Hey, hey!
- Aah!

God, I can't take it anymore!
I'm putting an end to this!

- Okay, if she jumps, I get her tickets!
- Wait, no, no! Hey!

If we're not doing this together,
we're not doing it at all.

- Say goodbye to your tickets.
- No! No! No!

Do not come any closer!

Can I come a little bit closer?
Valuable things are getting squished.

Now, what's more important,
your friends or money?

- Friends!
- Money!

Friends.

Hey, Monica,
what about your extra tickets?

They're all in there.

- Even these five that I hid in my bra.
- Monica!

Okay. Good. You guys were so scared.

There is no way I was
gonna dump this...

- Aah!

I think I broke your bowl.

Go! Go! Go!

What a beautiful night to be running
around the street, looking for tickets.

And the wind sure made it fun.

- Phoebe, we lost half of them.
- So what?

Monica, we have the winning ticket.

My psychic said I was
gonna win, remember?

Weird your psychic didn't mention
anything about the scary pigeon.

As a matter of fact, she said
that's how I'm going to die.

So excuse me
for being a little skittish.

There's two messages.
This could be from work.

- Oh, play them.
- Okay. Here we go.

Hello. This is the pigeon
from the balcony calling to apologize.

I shouldn't have knocked the tickets
out of the pretty lady's hand.

It was all my fault.
Not hers. Bye. Coo.

Well, I bet that was very hard
for him to do.

Hey, Chandler, it's Charlie.

This is it. Shh, Shh!

Listen, um, it turns out
I got the last spot.

I'm really sorry, man.
It was a lot of fun working with you

Give me a call if you want.

Gosh, I'm so sorry, honey.

Sorry, Chandler.

It is so unfair. It's like that time they
promoted Saundra over me at work.

Was she related to Ralph Lauren?

No, she was just much better
at her job than me.

You guys, the drawing's about to start.

We should call my mom's
and say good night to Emma...

- before she goes down.
- Good idea.

Honey, you're being really strong
about this.

I know how badly you wanted that job.

Yeah, you know,
I really thought I deserved it.

But let's go win the lottery. I mean,
we still have a 130 chances to win, right?

Hundred and thirty-one.

Yeah, good night, sweetheart.
I love you.

And remember,
you're Daddy's little girl. Heh.

Phoebe's totally ruined that for me.

Hi, Mom. Put her back on.

Rach, they're announcing the numbers!

My God, I can already feel
myself changing.

Here are your official Powerball
numbers. We have 53.

- I've got that.
- We have one too!

We are on the road, people!

Come on!

Mom, please, I know you love your new
lips, but I can barely understand you.

Would you please just let me
say good night to my daughter?

And here we go.
The Powerball is seven.

All right, check your numbers!
Make me rich.

You guys,
you're not gonna believe this.

I was just saying good night
to Emma, and she said her first words.

- What?
- Well, what did she say?

She said, "Gleba"!

Make me rich!

- Isn't that amazing?
- Oh, yeah. No, no, no, that's great.

Why aren't you more excited?

Rach, heh, "gleba" is not a word.

- Well, of course it is.
- Okay. What does it mean?

Well, I don't know all the words.

You know, I'm just glad I didn't
miss my daughter's first word.

- Yes you did! Gleba is a word!
- Okay. Use it in a sentence.

Okay. Uh, Emma just said, "Gleba

- It's not a word.
- Ugh. Okay, fine. I'm gonna look it up.

Oh, okay, great.

While you're at it, she said another word
the other day. Why don't you look up:

All right. Okay. Okay. Gleba
Gleba. Gleba. Gleba!

Here it is! "The fleshy, spore-bearing
inner mass of a certain fungi."

Heh.

She's gonna be a scientist.

- Damn it. Anybody got anything?
- No.

I'm still looking through mine.

Just double-checking. No.

No. No.

No!

Hello? Hold on.

It's your boss.

Ah, the "I'm sorry I rejected you"
phone call.

I'm not used to getting these
from guys.

- Hey, Steve.
- Chandler, hi.

I'm sure you've heard
we filled the three positions.

We felt that with your
maturity and experience...

you wouldn't be happy
being someone's assistant.

I'd love to be somebody's
assistant. Answering phones...

getting coffee,
I live for that stuff.

And I'm not too mature.
Farts, boobies, butt cracks!

Chandler, you were the strongest
person in the program.

We're offering you the position
of junior copywriter.

Me? That guy
who just said, "butt cracks"?

Yes, that's right.

We're excited about the level
of sophistication...

you'll be bringing to the job.

Okay. Well, thanks, you won't regret it.
I'll see you tomorrow.

What?

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna
be a junior copywriter!

Congratulations!
Oh, sweetie, I'm so proud of you.

Thanks. Does that mean
I get the good loving tonight?

You bet. No TV or anything.

- Hey, that is so great about the job.
- Thanks, man.

I'd like to think I had
something to do with it.

- Really? Why?
- Well, before with the wishbone.

I, uh, didn't wish we would win the
lottery. I wished you'd get the job.

Oh, yeah?

Don't tell Monica.
She'll rip your heart out.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know what?
There was a little part of me...

that really thought we were gonna win.

Me too. So much for my
dinosaur/Amelia Earhart theme park.

You guys? What was the Powerball
number again?

- Seven.
- We won.

- What?
- We won!

- Let me see! Let me see!
- Don't tear it!

Phoebe, you don't have any
of the first five numbers!

I know that, but look, we got
the Powerball number. We won $3!

Wow, you think we should get that over
20 years or go for the big payout?

I don't care. I've never won
anything before. I can't believe this!

So, Pheebs, what are you gonna do
with your $3?

Well, it's not all mine.
We all get 50 cents.

Aw. You know what?
You can have mine.

- Me too.
- Me too.

Me too. Ha, ha.

Well, I guess if everybody else is.

Hey, guys. So I just called
the Powerball hot line.

- Can you believe it? Nobody won.
- Um, I beg to differ.

Maybe nobody won the jackpot,
but there was this guy in here earlier...

and he found a ticket on the street
right outside and won $10,000.

Coo. Again, don't blame the pretty lady.

It was not her fault.
It was me, the pigeon. Coo.

Seriously, stop staring at her.