Friends (1994–2004): Season 9, Episode 17 - The One with the Memorial Service - full transcript

- You ready to go?
- Let me just finish this.

Hey, Ross. Check this out.

Yeah, I can't do that. Heh.

- What are you doing?
- Have you seen this?

It's our new alumni website for college.

You can post messages for people,
let everyone know what you're up to.

Oh, great. A faster way to tell people
that I'm unemployed and childless.

It's actually interesting to find
out what people are doing.

Remember Andrea Rich?

- Tall girl, wouldn't sleep with you?
- Uh-huh.

Well, her Internet company went under,
and she lost an ear in a boating accident.



Bet she'd sleep with you now.

No, I already e-mailed her.

Let me see what you wrote
about yourself.

- Oh.
- "Doctor of paleontology, two kids."

Wait a second. You split with Carol
because you had different interests?

I think you split with Carol because
you had one very similar interest.

You know what? I'm gonna finish this later,
okay? Let me just grab my coat.

Okay.

What, did you think you learned how
to do it in the last two minutes?

Maybe we finish this for him.

Also, I cloned a dinosaur in my lab.

She is now my girlfriend.

I don't care what society says,
it's the best sex I've ever had.

- And send.
- No, no... You can't do that to him.



- All right, let's go.
- Dude!

Uh, I think you made it clear you can't be
trusted with the ball inside the house.

And send.

Hey. How was basketball?

It was fun. Right up until Chandler
got a finger in the eye.

Oh, no. Who did that?

Chandler. Yeah.

Hey-

- Rache?
- Yeah?

What's Huggsy doing
in the crib with Emma?

She was just crawling around
and she found him...

so I just let her sleep with him.

- That's all right, isn't it?
- Of course. Yeah.

It's a stuffed animal, you know?
It's for kids. Not for adults.

I know that.

Joey, you're sure? I mean,
I know how much you love him.

Rachel, let's be clear on this, okay?
I do not love Huggsy.

I like him a normal amount.

All right. Well, Emma loves him.

Yeah. Well, why wouldn't she?
He's a wonderful person.

- Hi.
- Hey, Phoebe. How you doing?

- You feeling better?
- Breaking up sucks.

- Oh, I really miss Mike.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

I've tried everything to feel better.
I even tried writing a song about it...

but I can't think of anything
that rhymes with:

Hey, Monica, I'm gonna need
your help getting through this.

You're saying you're
not gonna need my help?

No. When I get to the point
where I'm ready...

to hear cruel, mocking jokes
about Mike, I'm gonna come to you.

Oh, good, because I've already thought
of three. Four! I just thought of a fourth.

Okay. I mean,
I know I did the right thing.

Mike never wants to get married...

and I shouldn't be in a relationship
that has no future.

But pretty soon,
I'm gonna miss him so much...

I'm gonna want to see him again,
and you have to stop me.

Okay, you got it.

Unless...
Am I being too crazy about this?

All right, so, you know,
there's no future.

But that doesn't mean
we still can't have fun.

- You know what? Forget what I said.
- Really?

- All right, if that's what you want.
- That was a test, and you just failed.

Damn it! Rookie mistake.

I have sex with dinosaurs?

I believe I read that somewhere.

Not only is it not funny,
it's physically impossible. Okay?

Depending on the species, I'd have
to have a 6-foot-long... It's not funny!

I respectfully disagree.

I can't believe you put that
on my alumni page.

- Who cares? Nobody reads those.
- You better hope not...

because I just read what
you put on your page.

- I don't have a page.
- Oh, I respectfully disagree!

Look at you. All sweet
and innocent, sleeping like an angel.

With Emma's chubby little hands
wrapped around you.

It's okay, Emma. You stay asleep.

Step away from the crib!
I have a weapon!

It's okay! It's okay, Rach!
It's me! Put down the scrunchie.

- What are you doing?
- Well, I heard Emma stirring...

so I came in to make sure
she could reach Huggsy.

Oh. Oh, thanks. All right, well, now that
I'm up, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Okay, there you go, sweetie.

This isn't over.

Wait a second. Why would
Ross tell everyone in your class...

that you are
"as gay as the day is long"?

Because I told everyone
he slept with dinosaurs.

Well, that's clearly a joke.
This could easily be true.

Would you get that, please? People have
been calling to congratulate me all day.

Hello?

No, he's not here. Yeah, this is his wife.

Yeah. Well, it came
as quite a shock to me too.

Well, I guess I should've known. Yeah.

He just kept making me watch
Moulin Rouge.

Hang up- Hang up-

And that was a great movie.

I'm so gonna get back at Ross.

Oh, yeah, this'll show him. Here we go.

- What are you doing?
- Oh, you'll see, my friend!

I'm dead?

And so young.

Posting that I died?
That really isn't funny.

Well, how you died was funny.

Oh, please. Hit by a blimp?

It kills over one Americans every year.

Unbelievable. My classmates
are gonna think I'm dead.

My professors. My parents
are gonna get phone calls.

You're messing
with people's feelings here.

You wanna talk about people's feelings?

You should have heard how hurt
Professor Stern was...

when I told him I wouldn't be able
to go with him to Key West!

You've really crossed a line here.
But that's okay.

Because I'm on my way
to buy some Photoshop software...

and a stack of gay porn.

That's right. Your coming-out
is about to get real graphic!

God, I wish Mike were here.

Okay, if Mike were here,
what would the two of you be doing?

What are you, animals?
It's 4:00 in the afternoon.

I gotta call him. Just to talk to him.
There's no harm in that.

Phoebe, that's how it starts.

"I don't need to eat the cake,
I'll just smell the icing.

Why not just a little sliver?"
Or, "Okay, just a slice or two."

You know, the next thing you know,
you're 210 pounds...

and you get wedged in going
down the tunnel slide.

Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard.

But look, if you talk to him,
then you're gonna want to see him.

And if you see him, you're gonna
wanna get back together.

And I know that's not what you want.

All right, so give me your phone.

- Here.
- Thank you.

- And now your cell.
- Okay.

There you go.

- This is your cell phone?
- Yes.

This is your current cell phone?

Yes.
It reminds me of a simpler time.

Phoebe? Where's your purse?

“Hey! No!
- No!

- Give it to me!
- You can't have it.

- Give it to me!
- No.

- I'll go in there.
- Oh, yeah.

- Come here!
- No!

- Give it to me!
- You're crazy! God.

Aha!

Damn you, Monica Geller hyphen Bing!

Hey, look who's here. It's Joey.
And he brought home a friend.

Joey, Emma's right here.

You promised not to bring girls home
in the middle of the day anymore.

No, no, no, it's not a girl. It's...

- a brand-new Huggsy!
- Oh.

Oh, that's so great.
Now Emma has two Huggsies.

No, no. Oh, no.
No, Emma has one Huggsy.

The new Huggsy. Huh?

The other Huggsy, I don't know,
I guess I'll just take him back.

You know what? When I was a little girl,
I had a little pink pony named Cotton.

Oh, I loved her so much. I took her
everywhere. I would braid her tail...

Make the transfer!

Should I be concerned that a button fell
off the old Huggsy and I can't find it?

Don't worry about it.
I swallowed that years ago. Hey.

Oh, what? I don't think
she likes the new Huggsy.

- But he's the same.
- I think she wants the old one back.

- Yeah, but he's the same.
- Joey, come on.

But he's the same.

You're not the same.

Aha!

You know, it's a lot
less surprising to do that...

after I've buzzed you into the building.

So, Phoebe, why are there
men's shoes by the door?

- Those are my shoes.
- Oh.

Well, when you get over this breakup,
we need to go shopping.

Look, Monica, I really appreciate
you checking in on me.

- But I'm actually feeling a lot better.
- You are?

Yeah, I just kind of want
to be alone right now.

- Who's that?
- I ordered Chinese food.

What are the chances?

One billion Chinese people,
and they send Mike!

- What are you doing here?
- Phoebe called me.

- Phoebe!
- I'm sorry. I broke down.

I wanted to see him.

Damn it, Phoebe,
how did you even call him?

There's a speakerphone
on the base unit.

Base unit. Think, Monica, think!

- Look, if I want to see Phoebe, and she...
- This doesn't concern you.

Sorry. I guess I was thrown off
by the mention of my name.

Look, guys, you can't do this.

It's gonna make getting
over each other harder.

Not if nothing happens.
Why can't we just hang out as friends?

Sure. If you're just gonna hang out
as friends, then maybe I'll join you.

I'm your friend and Mike's friend.

Well...

Sit down.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Make room for your friend.

- So how have you been?
- I've been pretty good.

- You look really beautiful.
- Thanks. You look good too.

No, no, no. This is dangerous territory.
Keep it clean.

So how's the piano playing going?

Actually, I've been playing a lot
of love songs lately.

- I've missed you.
- I've missed you too.

You know, on the way over here,
I saw this drunk guy throw up.

And then a pigeon ate it.

Hey. Ross.

Look, I just wanted to apologize.

Don't tell me you actually made
those gay pictures of me.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Check this out.

So that's what I'd look like
if I worked out.

And was being serviced by a policeman.

You're not gonna actually
send these out, are you?

Actually, I don't need to, because your
little "Ross is dead" joke didn't work.

Okay? There were no responses.

Nobody posted anything on the website,
nobody called my parents...

so the joke, my friend, is on you.

Nobody called, nobody wrote anything,
nobody cares that I'm dead.

Oh, my God.

- Nobody cares that I'm dead?
- Oh, come on, you know that's not true.

What are you talking about?
You get 60 responses...

just for coming out of the closet.

I didn't get one response, and I'm dead!

Well, the gay community is a lot more
vocal than the dead community.

I can't believe this. Not even my geology
lab partner. And I carried that guy.

All right.
Look, let's think about this, okay?

You think people are gonna disturb
your family at this tragic time?

That people are gonna post condolences
on a website?

This isn't about people
not caring that you're dead.

This is about people not having
a decent outlet for their grief.

- You're right. There isn't a decent outlet.
- Right.

Come on. I'm sure if you had a funeral
or memorial service...

tons of people would come.

Exactly!

Ross, what are you doing?

You're having a memorial service
for yourself?

No, that would be stupid.
You're having it for me.

- Ross, don't press send. Don't press...
- No, too late. Too late. It's sent.

Sorry, so is that picture
of you and the policeman.

I'm trying to put Emma down for a nap.
Have you seen Huggsy?

Uh, original or crappy?

- Original.
- No. Sorry. Haven't seen him.

Then what's that big lump
under your covers'?

- It's Monica, okay?
- That's not Monica!

All right, fine! It's original Huggsy!

I know Emma wants him,
but he's mine and I need him.

She's being unreasonable.

Joey, there is a reason that Emma
loves that stupid penguin so much!

Oh, don't cover its ears!

It's because it reminds her
of her Uncle Joey.

- It does?
- Yeah.

And she's comforted by him because
she loves her Uncle Joey so much.

- Really? She loves me?
- Oh, yeah.

But you know what?
If you need Huggsy, don't worry.

Emma will totally understand.
I won't, but whatever.

Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, Rach.
I mean, if...

If Huggsy means that much
to Emma, then...

Well, she can have him.

Oh, sweet, I knew Uncle Joey
would step up.

- Look, Emma. Look who's back.
- No, forget it! Forget it! I can't do it!

Are you...? You're gonna take
Huggsy away from a little child?

How do you think I got him
in the first place?

All right, you two.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

I don't want anything going
on while I'm gone.

Here's a few things you can discuss:

Mucus, fungus, and the idea
of me and Ross doing it.

I've missed you so much.

I'm not gonna ask you to get back together.
I know we want different things, but...

- Just to be with you one more night.
- I want that too.

- But is that gonna make it too hard?
- It can't be any harder than this.

I mean, if I had known the last time
I saw you would be the last time, I...

I would have stopped to memorize
your face, the way you moved.

Everything about you.

If I had known the last time I kissed
you would be the last time...

I never would have stopped.

Kiss him, you fool!

- What?
- Didn't you hear that speech?

If you don't kiss him, then I will.

I missed you so much.

- I knew you'd be here!
- Aw, crap.

- Who is this?
- It's my friend Manny.

I asked him to keep me away from you.

- Hey, that's what I'm doing for Phoebe.
- Well, you're not doing a very good job.

- Excuse me?
- What's with the kissing?

Hey, at least I knew where my guy was.

Yeah, thank God you were here
to oversee all the kissing.

- You didn't hear the speech.
- I've heard the speech.

If he knew it was gonna
be the last time...

Hey, it was very moving.
You're just heartless!

- You're weak!
- You're weird!

- Your pants are undone.
- Oh!

Where'd they go?

- Damn it.
- Well, we blew it.

I blame myself.

And I blame you too.

It's been an hour, and not one
of my classmates has shown up?

I tell you, when I actually die, some
people are gonna get seriously haunted.

There you go. Someone came.

Okay. Okay. I'm gonna go hide.

This is so exciting. My first mourner!

Hi. Glad you could come.

- Please come in.
- Hi. You're Chandler Bing, right?

- I'm Tom Gordon. I was in your class.
- Oh, yes. Yes, let me take your coat.

Thanks. Uh, I'm so sorry
about Ross, it's...

No, at least he died doing what he loved.

Watching blimps.

- Who is it?
- You know some guy, Tom Gordon?

I don't remember him.

But then again, I touched so many lives.

So did you know Ross well?

Actually, I barely knew him.
I came because I heard Chandler's news.

Do you know if he's seeing anyone?

- Yes, he is. Me.
- What? You mean...? Oh.

Can I ask you a personal question?
How do you shave your beard so close'?

Okay, Tommy!
That's enough mourning for you.

Here we go. Bye-bye. All right.

- Hey, listen. Call me.
- Okay.

- I'm dead and no one cares?
- I look like a man?

Please, one ridiculous problem
at a time.

This isn't ridiculous.
Look around, no one's here.

You gave them one day's notice. Not
everyone checks the website every day.

And Monica, it's probably
the way you stand!

I guess you're right.
Still, somebody must have seen it.

I mean, I went to that school for four years
and I didn't have an impact on anyone?

Well, that's not true.
You had an impact on me.

I mean, it's 15 years later
and we're still best friends.

Doesn't that count for something?

Oh, great, more party boys for Chandler.

I'm sure it's somebody for you.
Now go hide.

Hi. I'm here for Ross Geller's
memorial service.

- Kori? Kori Weston?
- Yeah.

- You look amazing.
- And you are?

Chandler. Chandler Bing.
And I'm not gay. I'm not gay at all.

You are married, though.

Don't listen to him.
He's in a really bad mood.

I can't believe that Ross is gone.
It is just so sad.

I didn't know Ross and you
were so close.

Oh, we weren't. But we had one class
together. He was such a great guy.

And he talked so passionately
about science.

- I always remembered him.
- I'm sure that would mean a lot to him.

And if heaven has a door...

I'm sure he's pressing his ear
up against it and listening intently.

I thought so many times about
calling him and asking him out.

I guess I really missed my chance.

No, you didn't!

I'm still alive!

Kori, I know this
is a big surprise for you.

It's a long story. But the things you
just said really made my day.

The fact that you're here
means more to me...

than if this room were filled
with people.

You sick freak! Who does that?

I can't believe I had a crush on you.

Did you hear that?

Kori Weston had a crush on me!

No, Mom, I am not dead.

I know it's not something to kid about.

It was just a practical joke between
Chandler and me, but it's over, okay?

Actually, no. Even if I had died,
you would not be left childless.

Monica?