Friends (1994–2004): Season 9, Episode 16 - The One with the Boob Job - full transcript

Have you seen our bank statement?
Can this be right?

I know. God, I haven't seen
my savings take a hit like this...

since I was a kid and they came up
with Double Stuf Oreos.

What happened to
all of our money?

Well, I'm not sure exactly what they
did, but I'm inclined to blame Enron.

Well, I guess with you
doing the internship...

we're just spending more
than we're bringing in.

Yeah, maybe I should quit
and get a job that pays.

But you're finally doing something
that you love.

I mean, I can't ask you to give that up.

Although it would be nice if the thing
that you loved was, you know, finding gold.



You know what? I think we're making
too big a deal out of this.

Okay? So we pay our bills late
this month.

Maybe next month,
we cut back on a few things.

And maybe we start eating
out of Joey's refrigerator for a change.

You're a chef. What can you make
out of baking soda and beer?

All right. Worst-case scenario is,
we borrow some money from my parents.

No, we're not borrowing money.

- Why not?
- Because we don't do that. We are Bings.

If there's one thing my father
taught me, it was...

well, to always knock
before going into the pool house.

But the other thing was,
never borrow money.

Wow, I had no idea
you had this much pride.

That's right, I do. I am your man.

And I'm gonna get us
through this situation...



even if it means you working
twice as hard.

- I'm gonna go.
- Why?

I haven't been home in a couple days
and I need to get more clothes.

You don't have to go.
I have something that'll fit you.

I put that tube top on as a joke.

- I want you to stay.
- I want to stay too.

But I've got as much use
out of these boxers as I can.

- Why don't you turn them inside...
- Done it.

- I'll be back in a couple of hours.
- All right. I'll miss you.

Me too.

You know what? I just realized
something. I don't want to go home.

- Great! Okay, I'll go get the tube top.
- No, no, what I mean is...

- I hate going back to my apartment now.
- Mm-hm.

Partly because I live above
a known crack den...

but, you know, mostly because
when I'm there, I really miss you.

So...

do you want to move in together?

Wow, Mike Hannigan...

you sure know how to
make a girl say "Hell, yeah."

- So we're doing it?
- Yeah, let's do it. Let's live together.

Wow.
We're really gonna move in together?

Yeah.

I've always wanted to live with a guy.

Pick up your socks.
Put down the toilet seat.

No, we are not having sex anymore.

It's gonna be fun.

- Hey, Joey!
- Hey.

Listen, I need to know
that what I'm about to ask you...

will never get back to Chandler.

I'd be lying if I said
I hadn't thought about it myself.

But Chandler is my best friend.
It would be wrong.

Good, but wrong.

Okay, first of all, it would be great.

But that's not what I'm here to talk
to you about. I need to borrow money.

Oh, I don't know, Monica. You know...

lending friends money
is always a mistake.

- But Chandler lent you money.
- And he would tell you it was a mistake.

Come on, I just... I need it
for some rent and some other bills.

Oh, well... Well, how much?

- Two thousand dollars?
- Two thousand dollars?

What do you think I am,
a soap-opera star?

- Yeah.
- That's right, I am.

- Hi, you guys.
- Hey.

- What's in the bag?
- You know how Emma started crawling?

I realized that this place
is very unsafe for a baby...

so I went to the store and I got some
stuff to baby-proof the apartment.

Oh, God, baby-proofing.

Why is it such a big deal now?
You know, when I was a kid, it was like:

"Whoops, Joey fell down the stairs."

Or, "Whoops,
Joey electrocuted himself again."

Anyway, um, are you going to get
a handyman to install this stuff?

- No, I was just gonna do it myself.
- Ha, ha.

- You're gonna do it?
- Yeah. Why?

- You don't think a woman can do this?
- Women can. You can't.

Monica, will you please tell Joey
that he is a pig.

- You're a pig. And you can't do this.
- What?

What? Come on, I found
the hardware store all by myself.

The hardware store's
right down the street.

There is a hardware store
right down the street?

Hey, you guys?
Okay, we've got great news.

- Phoebe and I are moving in together.
- Congratulations.

I know, it's so exciting. You know,
I've never lived with a guy before.

Well, it's just like living with a girl,
only they don't steal your makeup.

Unless they're playing
"This ls What My Sister Would Look Like."

Yeah, she's not so cute.

- I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- Well, you put down the toilet seat.

Yes, dear.

- Is that a bit you guys do?
- Uh-huh. We're playing you two.

We don't do that.
Tell her we don't do that.

Yes, dear.

I can't believe you're moving in together.
That's gre... I'm happy for you guys.

- I hear wedding bells.
- Monica, slow down, okay?

I'm just excited to be living with him.

You know, I mean, I don't know...

can I see someday being
married to Mike? Sure. Yeah.

You know, I could picture myself
walking down the aisle...

in a wedding dress that highlights
my breasts in an obvious yet classy way.

But do I want that house in Connecticut,
you know, near the good schools...

where Mike and I could send
little Sophie and Mike Jr.?

Oh, my God, I do.

Phoebe, I had no idea
you were so conventional.

I know. I guess I am.

Oh, my God, load up the Volvo,
I want to be a soccer mom.

- You ready to go?
- Yeah, you bet, roomie.

Don't you mean "groomie"?

- What are you talking about?
- Please.

These guys.
We haven't even moved in yet...

and they have us picking out
china patterns.

China patterns!

This is easy. "Can't do this..."

Wow, seriously. Can't do this.

- Hey, Joe.
- Hey.

Listen, um, I need to ask you a favor,
and we can't tell Monica anything about it.

- I thought you guys didn't have secrets.
- That will remain the official party line.

Look, Monica and I are having
a little financial trouble.

- Yeah, I know.
- What? What do you mean, you "know"?

Uh...

I just figured it out, you know?

I mean, you're not working
and, uh, the economy is bad.

Oh, right.

That is the fastest I have ever thought.

Anyway, uh...

I need to borrow some money.

Oh, sure. Yeah, how much?
Two thousand dollars?

Yes, $2000 exactly.
How did you know that?

Uh, well, I know how much
you used to make...

and I know how much your rent is.

Oh, okay.

I am on fire.

Listen, this is really nice.

Did you write a check to Monica
for $2000?

Did Monica borrow money from you?

- Uh, kind of.
- I can't believe her.

Did she tell you we were having
money problems?

No, no, no. It wasn't because
of your money problems.

It was for something for her.

What?

Something personal.

What would she get for $2000
that she wouldn't tell me about?

Excuse me.

Boob job.

I don't want her to get a boob job.
That's crazy.

Well, it's not that crazy, okay?

Making them smaller,
that would be crazy.

Oh, hey, I wanted to ask you
about Monica's little "groomie" joke.

Well, I think the reason people laughed
is that it's a play on the word "roomie."

No...

I get the joke. Sophisticated as it was.

No, the thing I want to say is...

Maybe we should've
talked about this before.

Us living together,
you're not expecting a proposal, right?

- Oh, no, no. Not at all.
- Okay.

We're just moving in right now.
We'll see where it goes.

Yeah, well, that's the thing.
For me, it's as far as it can ever go.

- What do you mean?
- Look, Phoebe, I...

I love you very much.
But I never want to get married again.

Oh.

- Wow.
- It's just, my first marriage was...

you know, such a disaster that
I kind of lost faith in the whole idea.

- Mm-hm. Was it really that bad?
- At one point, near the end...

- she deliberately defecated on my...
- Okay, well, that's bad. Yeah.

But don't you think it might be
different with someone else? Perhaps...

a blond who always uses the toilet?

Except for once in the ocean.

Look, it's not about who I would marry.

I was certain the first time I got married
it would last forever. I was wrong.

- But, it just...
- Look, Phoebe, it's not about you.

I just never want to get married again.

- Ah.
- I'm sorry.

Are you okay with that? If not, maybe
us moving in together isn't the best idea.

No. Oh, I definitely don't
want to get married.

No, I just wanted to make sure
you didn't want to, too.

Because, you know, if we move in
and you start changing your mind...

there is gonna be hell to pay, mister.

- Trust me. I will never...
- Yeah, I get that. Yeah.

Hi. So you gave in
and decided to call someone?

Yeah. I don't know who I was kidding.
I can barely use chopsticks.

- You're all set.
- Oh, thank you so much.

Wait. You forgot your, um...

Your game.

Thank you.

Hey, Rach. There she is,
my perfectly proportioned wife.

Don't look at me. I never get his jokes.

- Thank you?
- No, no. Don't thank me.

Thank you. Do you know there is not
one thing that I would change about you?

Not one single thing.
And definitely not...

two single things.

Okay, you're being weird.
Do you want sex...

or did you do something bad?

No. No. No. I just love
the way you look. I am warm...

for your form.

Okay, um, you know the old classics like,
you know, "You look nice"?

They're still okay.

But "you look nice" could mean
that I'm saying, "Your face looks nice."

I want to compliment your body.

I mean, I wouldn't change it at all.

And more specifically, I wouldn't
want anything to get any bigger.

- Okay.
- I mean...

you wouldn't want any part of me
to get any bigger, would you?

Don't answer that.

Just when you thought that dude
couldn't get any weirder.

I know. Why do you think he was
so worried about me getting bigger?

I don't know.
I mean, what brought that on?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You know what?
We're trying to get pregnant...

so he's probably starting to freak out
that my body's gonna change.

- You think that's what it is?
- You heard him.

"No bigger. You're perfect.
Just don't get any bigger."

My God, he sounded just like
my high-school wrestling coach.

- I'm gonna have to talk to Chandler.
- Yeah. If you don't, I will.

Of course your body's gonna change.
Your breasts are gonna get bigger...

your ass is gonna get bigger...

you're gonna lose bladder control.

God, it's just such a magical time.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Listen, I wanted to ask you
something about marriage.

Now you're seeking me out
to make jokes?

I mean, I can see if we're all hanging
out, but to come to my home...

No, I really want to know
how you feel about it.

- Why?
- Mike doesn't ever want to get married.

- Never?
- Never.

Wow. Are you still gonna
move in with him?

I want to, but I wanted you to tell me
that marriage really isn't that big a deal.

You know, that I won't be missing out
on anything. That marriage stinks.

Yeah, marriage stinks.

I mean, if you want to see a man gain
weight and a woman stop shaving...

get them married.

- That's not how you really feel, is it?
- No, I'm sorry.

Look, I know it's not what you
want to hear, but I can't help it.

I love marriage.

Seriously, you? Divorce-o?

If you have to call me a name, I'd prefer
"Ross, the Divorcer." It's just cooler.

Look, look, I know my marriages
didn't exactly work out...

but, you know, I loved being
that committed to another person.

And Carol and I had some good times
before she became a lesbian.

And once afterward.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

Ugh. It's okay. That's how you feel.

But, come on, I mean,
living together will be great.

I mean, you guys have so much fun.
And you love Mike.

- I do love Mike.
- Yeah, see?

And you were so excited about
moving in together before...

and you know what? You should be.
It's a big deal.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Yeah, thanks. This helped. Thanks.

The Divorcer to the rescue.

- It's not cooler.
- Yeah, I just heard it.

Oh.

Rache?

Rachel?

So I can't do anything I like?

Hey, Rach.

Ah, perfection.
Wouldn't change a thing. Not a thing.

- Honey?
- Yeah?

About that.

- Um, I'm going to change.
- Yes, but, honey, you don't have to.

I'm gonna get bigger.

Honey, I...

I love your breasts the way they are.

Ugh. Fascist.

Well, my breasts are gonna get bigger
whether you like it or not.

And it's not just my breasts.
My ass is gonna get bigger too.

Your ass?

And don't be surprised if her hands
and her feet get bigger too.

- They do that?
- It's kind of a package deal.

God, why? Why would you
want to do that to yourself?

I thought it was something
that we both wanted.

If it means that much to you, I may be
able to get on board with the big boobs...

but the giant ass
and the big clown feet?

Oh, my God, Chandler.

If you can't handle this, what are
you gonna be like in the hospital...

with the blood and screaming and the
little person that's shooting out of her?

What?

Joey, why did you tell Chandler
that Monica was getting a boob job?

Because she is.

- Chandler knows I borrowed the money.
- Mm-hm. For your boob job.

- Joe...
- It's over.

Okay, so I'm out $4000 and
nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?

Hey. Hey, what do you guys think
about this: Ross, the Divorce Force.

- Better.
- Yeah?

Very cool.

Hey, Pheebs? You know, I'm really glad
you came to talk to me the other day...

- and I hope I was a little helpful.
- Oh, yeah, you were helpful.

- Yeah. No, thank you.
- Good. Good.

Because the more I thought about it,
the more I realized...

I don't think marriage is necessarily
the right path for you.

What do you mean?

I know the other day
in the coffeehouse...

you were all caught up
in the whole soccer-mom thing...

but is that really you? I mean, can you
honestly picture yourself in a Volvo?

They are awfully boxy.

I mean, I don't know, you'd be so bored
with marriage. I mean, it's so normal.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Hey, can I help?

Well, we climbed up four flights of stairs,
maneuvered a narrow hallway...

dodged a rabid pit bull. But these last
three feet are where it gets really tricky.

You know, sometimes your words,
they hurt.

Hey, where do you guys want this?

Yeah, seriously,
because this is really heavy.

I mean, not for me, because I'm only
pretending to hold it, but for these guys.

Just one last time on the marriage thing.
There's no wiggle room? None at all?

No, but you don't want to
get married either, right?

Right.

Except that I do want to get married.

Couldn't have had this conversation
down at the truck, huh?

What? You want to get married?

Someday.

And hernia.

I haven't had a normal life. And I never
felt like I was missing out on anything.

But it feels like now it's my turn
to have some of the regular stuff.

If you wanted to get married,
why didn't you say something before?

Because I didn't know
how much I wanted it.

And I love you,
and I wanted to live with you.

I wanna live with you too.
I mean, let's do that.

But I don't think I can.

It was okay to move in when
I didn't know what was gonna happen.

But I can't move in knowing nothing
is ever gonna happen.

Can we at least try living together? You
might change your mind about marriage.

Are you gonna change yours?

No.

Me neither.

Um, I think I need to be with someone
who wants what I want.

But I don't want this to end.

No, I don't want it to end either.

I can't believe this is gonna end.

I guess I'll have my stuff picked up.

Yeah. Okay.

Okay, so, uh...

Good bye.

- Take it easy, Mike.
- Bye, Mike. See you later, Mike.

I'm so sorry, Pheebs.

We're all sorry.

Look on the bright side.

I mean, at least you
won't have to live with this ugly chair.

That was here already, huh?

I love you.

I did it! I did it! Ha, ha!

All right.

I'd better take all I can carry.

Who knows when I'll be able
to get in here again, huh?