Friends (1994–2004): Season 9, Episode 15 - The One with the Mugging - full transcript

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Guys! Guys! I've got great news.
Guess what.

- Uh, Monica's pregnant!
- Really?

Let's get past the moment.

- What's your news?
- Thank you.

I got a job in advertising.

- Oh, honey, that's incredible!
- Wow.

Gosh, what's the pay like?

Oh, come on, people.

If I don't know who makes the most...

how do I know who
I like the most? Hi, Joey.

It pays nothing. It's an internship.



We have interns at Days of our Lives.

Right. So it'll be the same,
except less sex with you.

So, uh, what do you think
they'll have you do there?

It's a training program,
but they hire the people they like.

- That's great!
- There's gonna be some grunt work...

which will stink. A grown man
getting people coffee is humiliating.

Humiliating and noble.

Thank you.

You know, if I didn't already
have a job...

I would've been good in advertising.

Ross, you did not come up with
"got milk?"

Yes, I did! I did!

I should've written it down.

- Hey.
- Hey.



Where's Chandler? I wanna wish him
good luck on his first day.

And I smelled bacon. Ha, ha.

- He just left.
- Who did?

Joey, you're never gonna
believe it! She called!

- She did'?
- You got it!

- I did?
- What is she talking about?

I don't know, but it sounds great!

No, your agent called.
You got that audition!

- With Leonard Hayes?
- Yes!

Oh, my God, that is great!
It's for a play on Broadway.

And in a real theater. Not that little one
underneath the deli like last time.

- Is it a good play'?
- It must be.

I read it and didn't
understand a single word!

- Leonard Hayes is starring in it.
- Yeah, and directing.

Oh, he was so good
in that movie of Macbeth.

- You saw that?
- No, but I saw the previews.

- They played it right before Jackass.
- Ah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He has.

- He's done some amazing work.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, I loved him
in those phone commercials.

When the monkey hits him in the face
with the giant rubber phone. Ha-ha-ha.

Maybe the monkey
will be at the audition.

Don't make me more nervous
than I already am!

- Good morning.
- Can I get you a cup of coffee, sir?

Oh, no, no. I'm an intern,
just like you guys.

Except for the tie, the briefcase
and the fact that I can rent a car.

Seriously, you're an intern?

I'm heading in a new career direction
and you gotta start at the bottom.

Dude.

I know I'm a little older than you guys,
but it's not like I'm Bob Hope.

The comedian. USO.

Uh, it's U.S.A., sir.

This is Joey Tribbiani.
Joey, these are the producers.

And as you probably already know,
this is Leonard Hayes.

Wow.

It is so amazing to meet you.
I am such a big fan of your work.

Well, I've been blessed with
a lot of great roles.

Tell me about it, huh?
"Unlimited nights and weekends!"

Are you making fun of me?
Because I am not a sellout.

I didn't do it for money.
I believe in those phones!

I almost lost a cousin
because of bad wireless service.

No, I wasn't making fun of you. I think
you were great in those commercials.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, I do bring a certain
credibility to the role.

- It's true.
- Are you kidding?

When they shoot
you out of that cannon...

"Hang up that phone!"

- One take.
- Wow.

Did that in one. I know.

- So shall we read?
- Oh, yeah, sure.

Top of Act 2. This is my entrance.
You got it?

Mm-hm.

What the hell are you still doing here?

Oh. Uh.

- I think you know.
- Bastard!

I am what you made me.
You know what? I could go right now.

- Go! Go!
- I can't.

Oh, I want to, Long Pause...

but I can't.

I'm so sorry. You're not supposed
to say "long pause."

Oh! Oh, I thought that was your
character's name. You know?

I thought you were, like, an Indian
or something, you know, with the...

- Sorry.
- Long Pause.

No. Thank you so much for coming in.
We appreciate it. Thank you.

Sure you don't want me to do it again?

- I could do it with an accent.
- No.

You know, Southern.

"I could go right now, mon!"

Huh?

My God in heaven.

Joey, hang on for a second. Leonard,
can we talk to you for a moment?

Yes?

You've gotta be kidding.
See, he can't act.

I don't care if you think he's hot.

If you wanna sleep with him,
do it on your own time. This is a play.

No, listen, if you insist on this...

I will call my agent so fast...

on a cell phone connection so clear,
he's gonna think I'm next door!

Uh, hi. Uh, thank you so much
for whispering for my benefit.

If you tell me what I did wrong, I would
love to work on it and try it again for you.

And also, how you doing?

Would you please just give me another
chance? I really wanna get better. Please?

Really?

Well, if you wanna come back today...

- here are my notes. Ready?
- Yeah.

Um, you're in your head.
You're thinking way too much.

I really doubt that.

No, no, no. It's that you're not connected
with anything in your body.

- No urgency. The scene is a struggle.
- Uh-huh.

- It's a race.
- Uh-huh.

Also, what you did was horizontal.

- Don't be afraid to explore the vertical.
- Uh-huh.

And don't learn the words.
Let the words learn you.

Couldn't I just sleep with
the producer?

Hey, do you wanna go
to dinner tonight?

Oh, I can't. I've got a date
with that waitress, Katie.

Yeah, I know we've only gone out,
like, twice, but I don't know...

- I have a good feeling about her.
- Oh, I hear divorce bells.

Give me your wallets,
and there won't be a problem.

- What?
- I have a gun.

Okay, just relax, Phoebe.
Just stay calm.

Oh, my God, I can't find my wallet!

- All right, lady, now give me your purse.
- No.

What do you mean, "no"? I knew
you'd be my death, Phoebe Buffay!

- Lowell, is that you?
- Phoebe?

- Oh, my God!
- Unbelievable! Oh, my God! Oh!

I'm sorry. Ross, this is my old friend,
Lowell, from the streets! Ha, ha.

- Lowell, Ross.
- Ross, nice to meet you.

Yeah, a real pleasure.

- Oh, it's been so long! Oh, so long.
- Ha-ha-ha.

- I can't believe you're still doing this.
- Ah, I know. But I quit smoking.

Good for you.

You look like you're doing well.

I guess your mugging days
are behind you.

Oh.

Oh, my God.
Phoebe, you used to mug people?

Excuse me, Ross,
old friends catching up.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How'd the audition go?
- They wanna see me again, but, uh...

boy, Leonard Hayes did not like me.

- What happened?
- Oh, he said I wasn't urgent enough.

Everything I did was horizontal,
and I should be more vertical.

- Oh, and he said that I should think less.
- Well, so far so good.

Honey, I'm old!

What's wrong?

I am so much older than these other
interns. I can't compete with them.

So you're a little older.

Look at the positive.
You have all this life experience.

Yes, but I don't think life experience
is gonna help me with these.

Wow! It's like they're on fire!

Ooh.

- What are they?
- Prototype sneakers.

I need ideas on how to sell them.
Which I can't do...

because no self-respecting adult
would ever wear these.

I'll give you $500 for them.

- What am I supposed to do?
- Come on, sneakers are easy.

- You wear them all the time.
- They're not called sneakers anymore.

They're called "kicks" or "skids."
I think I heard somebody say "slorps."

They've got wheels that pop out from
the bottom so you can roll around...

because apparently
walking is too much exercise.

"Kids! Kids! Roll your way
to childhood obesity!"

Would you help me try to sell these?

Okay. Have you considered
using a girl with huge knockers?

That's not what they're looking for.

Hey, that would work on me.

Why do you think I buy
Mrs. Butterworth's?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- You'll never guess what just happened.

- Phoebe and I got mugged!
- Are you okay?

Yeah, because Phoebe knew the mugger.

How do you know a mugger?

I'm sorry, I have friends
outside the six of us.

Know how she knew him?
Because Phoebe used to mug people.

Seriously?

Well, I'm not proud of it,
but, you know...

when I was living on the street and
I needed money for food and stuff...

- That is awful.
- I wasn't rich like you guys, okay?

I didn't eat gold
and have a flying pony.

I had a hard life.
My mother was killed by a drug dealer.

- Your mother killed herself.
- She was a drug dealer.

It was a good thing Phoebe knew him.
I was about to do some serious damage.

Okay.

This must have brought back
some bad memories for you, Ross.

- Why?
- Well, Ross was mugged as a kid.

- You were?
- Yeah. And it was pretty traumatic.

It was outside St. Mark's Comics.

I was minding my business, seeing what
kind of trouble Spider-Man got into.

Ahem, Wonder Woman. Ahem.

Anyway, I was heading
towards this bakery...

to pick up a couple of dozen
linzer tortes for someone...

when out of nowhere, this thug
with a pipe jumps out and says:

- "Give me your money, punk!"
- Oh, my God.

I know. And the worst part was
they took my backpack...

which had all the original artwork I had
done for my own comic book, Science Boy.

Oh, yeah! What was
his superpower again?

A superhuman thirst for knowledge.

I better get to class.

Are there any more of your friends
I should look out for on my way?

No. Actually, you might wanna
stay away from Jane Street.

That's where Stabby Joe works.

- Okay, I think we have a problem here.
- What?

Well, um, back in my mugging days,
I, um, worked St. Mark's Comics.

- Yeah?
- Well, a pipe was my weapon of choice...

and, um, preteen comic-book nerds
were my meat.

So?

There was one kid who had
a sticker on his backpack that said:

"Geology rocks!"

- Oh, my God!
- I know! I mugged Ross!

- You're late.
- I know. I'm sorry.

But can I just run to the bathroom?

- No. Leonard doesn't wait.
- But I am bursting with Yoo-hoo!

Joey, here we go!
Let's go. Very quickly.

- I really need...
- We must go now, quickly.

- Yeah. Yes, sir. Ahh.
- Ready?

- What the hell are you still doing here?
- I think you know!

- Oh, you sick bastard!
- I am what you made me! Know what?

- What?
- I could go right now.

- Then go. Go!
- Oh, I can't. I want to, but I can't!

Cut. That was good!

- Very good. You did everything I asked.
- I did?

Yes. Plus which, you've got this,
I don't know, this squirmy quality...

you bring to the character
I couldn't have imagined.

Wow, hey, here's what we're gonna do:

Come back tomorrow
for the final callbacks.

Do all of this, what you got going now.
But you know what?

More. More. Can you do that?

Sure. I don't have time to say
thank you because I really gotta go!

Look at that! Still in character.
I like him.

I plant seeds. I can't explain it.
I don't know.

- Hey. What are you doing?
- Hey. Putting on the sneakers...

to get in the young mindset,
see if it sparks anything.

- Oh, anything yet?
- Yes, how's this?

"They're so uncomfortable, it's like
getting kicked in the nuts for your feet."

- Hey.
- Hey.

You're probably wondering
what I'm doing. Ha, ha.

No, that seems about right.

Yesterday at my audition, I had to pee.
Apparently, that makes me a good actor.

I got a callback, so I'm drinking
everything. Oh, by the way...

Mm-hm.
- that eggnog in our fridge was great!

- Joey, that was formula.
- We gotta get more of that.

These aren't half bad. You should
suggest these to Ralph Lauren.

Okay, first of all, that's stupid.
Second, I'm not allowed to talk to Ralph.

All right. I feel younger already.

Yeah, I think I broke my hip.

- Hey, you!
- Hey.

Hey. How was class?

No one ever asks me that.
What's wrong?

- Nothing. I really wanna know.
- Oh, uh.

Well, there was actually a rather
lively discussion about the Pleistocene...

All right, nothing is worth this.

Um, I have a confession to make. Um...

Okay, you know that, um, girl that
mugged you when you were a kid?

What are you talking about?
It wasn't a girl. It was this huge dude.

You don't have to lie anymore.
I know that it was a 14-year-old girl.

- No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was.

No, it wasn't. You don't think I would have
defended myself against a 14-year-old...?

- "Give me your money, punk!"
- Oh, my God, it was you!

I can't believe it. You mugged me?

Yeah. And I'm so, so sorry, Ross.
I'm sorry.

But, you know, if you think about it,
it's kind of neat.

I mean, well, it's just that I've
always felt kind of like an outsider.

You know, the rest of you have
these connections that go way back...

and, you know, now you and I
have a great one.

It's not the best!

I know. Please forgive me.
I don't know what to say.

There's nothing you can say! That was
the most humiliating thing ever.

- Really? Even more humiliating than...
- Let's not do this!

And then, at the end of the commercial,
the girls get out of the hot tub...

and start making out
with each other. Huh? Huh? Huh?

That's interesting.

Just one thought:
You didn't mention the shoes.

- Who's next? Chandler.
- Okay.

You start on the image of
a guy putting on the shoes.

- He's about my age.
- Pfft! Your age?

Uh-huh.

So he's rolling down the street
and he starts to lose control.

Maybe he falls.
Maybe he hurts himself.

Just then, a kid comes flying by
wearing the shoes.

He jumps over the old guy and laughs.
And the line reads:

"Not suitable for adults."

- Well, Chandler, that's great.
- Oh, thank you, sir.

Or, man who's two years
younger than me.

You see, that has a clear selling point.
It appeals to our key demographic.

- How did you come up with that?
- I don't know! I don't know!

I was just trying to get into a young
mindset, and stuff started to flow.

- That is great. Good work.
- Thank you.

We'll see all of you tomorrow.

The cold weather hurts my hip.

Hey, Ross. I know you're still mad at
me, but can I just talk to you for a sec?

Sure, go ahead. Oh, sorry.
Sure, go ahead.

I just really wanted to apologize again.

And also show you something
I think you'll find very exciting.

Oh, my God! "Crap from the street!"

Look, Ross. In this box...

are all the things I got from mugging
that I thought were too special to sell...

or smoke.

Anyway, I was looking through it,
and I found...

Science Boy.

Oh, my God!

- I never thought I'd see this again.
- Yeah.

What...?

It's all here!

- Yeah.
- Ha, ha.

What made you save it
all these years?

I guess I just thought
it was really good.

And maybe it would be
worth something one day.

You really thought Science Boy
was worth saving?

Yeah. But you should know I also have
a jar of Vaseline and a cat skull in here.

Still, this is amazing!

Oh, my God. Thank you, Phoebe.

You're welcome. And thank you for
Science Boy. I learned a lot from him.

You're welcome.

- I need an answer!
- I can't tell you something I don't know.

- You know!
- I don't know!

- I need an answer now!
- You want an answer? The answer is...

Aw...

She never loved me.
She only loved you.

You knew this all along
and you never told me?

I can never forgive you, or myself. I have
nothing to live for. Bang! And scene!

Absolutely amazing.

- The part is yours.
- Thanks! Now I really got to get going.

Wait, wait, wait! Congratulations.
You did it.

You did it. You can relax now. Yeah.

Wow! That's a big cable bill.

Ha. You don't have a job,
but you have no problem ordering porn.

On a Saturday afternoon?

I was in the house!

Hey, uh, Phoebe didn't by any
chance mention that...

She was the huge guy
that mugged you? Yeah.

I see. You didn't happen to tell...

- Everybody we know? Yeah.
- Great. Thanks.