Friends (1994–2004): Season 9, Episode 11 - The One Where Rachel Goes Back to Work - full transcript

Hey.

Good morning, tiger.

I'm making you a big breakfast, so you
can keep up your strength for tonight.

You're gonna get me
good and pregnant.

I've got nowhere to go this morning.
I'm unemployed.

I don't know what
I'm gonna do with my life.

Well, I just lost my erection.

No, I mean, what am I supposed
to do with myself?

You're supposed to find
your passion in life.

You can be whatever you want
to be now. It's exciting.

Yeah, but it's all so overwhelming.
I don't know where to start.



Hey, wait a second.
I can help you with this.

You just need to be organized. We can
make a list of your qualifications...

...and categorize jobs by industry.
There could be folders and files...

Hey, this is where your hyper-organized
pain-in-the-ass stuff pays off.

I know!

My erection is back!

Thank you.

Ooh, Joey, could I have a sip
of your coffee and a bite of your muffin?

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

Uh, Pheebs, have you ever been bitten
by a hungry Italian?

I'm sorry.
It's just, I'm a little short on cash.

Oh, if you want,
I could loan you some money.

Oh, no, no, no. I learned never to
borrow money from friends.



No. That's why Richard Dreyfuss
and I don't speak anymore.

Ooh, hey, how about this?
Wanna be an extra on my show?

- You could do that?
- Yeah, yeah.

The pay's pretty good, and you
could do it for as long as you need.

- Oh, my God. I'm gonna be on TV!
- Okay, now...

I gotta tell you, being on TV isn't
as glamorous and exciting as you think.

- Oh, really?
- No, it is awesome.

Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Oh, wow.

Hey, why are you all dressed up?

We're bringing Emma to Ralph Lauren
today to introduce her to everyone.

- Doesn't she look cute?
- She sure does.

Why does she have a pink bow
taped to her head?

If one more person says,
"What a cute little boy"...

...I'm gonna whip them
with a car antenna.

I think she's gonna be
the hit of the office, huh?

Yeah, she's gonna be hotter than,
uh, peasant blouses and A-line skirts.

Can I get a blue bow?

Okay. I have looked through
a bunch of career guides...

...photocopied and highlighted
key passages...

...and put them into alphabetical folders,
so you can make an informed decision.

How long was I in there?

Okay, let's start with the A's.
Advertising.

Wait. Advertising, that's a great idea.

Well, don't you wanna
look through the rest?

I don't think I have to hear the rest.
Advertising makes perfect sense.

I'm sorry you had to waste all this time.

You call eight hours alone
with my label maker wasted time?

Ooh, now I'll get to use my shredder!

I mean, I could write slogans.
I mean, how hard could it be, right?

"Cheese.

It's milk that you chew."

"Crackers. Because your cheese
needs a buddy."

"A grape. Because who can get
a watermelon in your mouth?"

Oh, I got one.

"Socks. Because your family's feet
deserve the best."

Honey, leave it to the pros.

I actually know someone
in advertising.

I grew up with a guy who is
a vice president at a big agency.

Maybe I can get him to meet you.
Give me the phone.

"The phone. Bringing you closer
to people who have phones."

"Marriage. It's not for everybody."

That went well. Almost everybody
knew that she was a girl.

Yeah, after you punched that one guy
who got it wrong, word spread.

I'm just gonna go in my office
and pick up some stuff.

- Who the hell are you?
- Who the hell are you?

I'm the hell person
whose office this is.

Good one, Rach.

I'm Gavin Mitchell,
the person who's taking over your job.

Excuse me?

Oh, your baby's so cute.

But why would you put
a pink bow on a boy?

Hey, Joey. Look at me.

I'm a nurse.

- Yes, you are.
- Ha, ha.

I think it might be time
for my sponge bath.

Sorry, I'm just so used
to hitting on the extras.

- So are you excited about your scene?
- Yeah, but I'm a little nervous.

Oh, relax. Don't be. They'll probably
just make you stand in the background.

- Good.
- You. Here, come here. Here.

Take this tray, stand on this yellow
mark. You're gonna move on "action."

Walk over to the operating table, stop on
the blue mark and put the tray down.

Don't walk too fast.

But don't dawdle.

Okay. Now, what?

And, action!

- Cut! Cut.
- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. I'm just a little nervous.
- Yeah, well, don't be.

Okay, that helps.

And, action!

Cut!

Don't worry about it.
It usually takes me three takes too.

Ha-ha-ha. All right, eight.

And...

...action!

So do you have any other
questions about advertising?

No. No. But let me show you
what I can do.

"Bagels and doughnuts.

Round food for every mood."

Monica warned me you might do that.

I think we might have something
for you at the agency.

- Really? That's great.
- It's an unpaid internship.

That's funny. When you said "unpaid,"
it sounded like you said "unpaid."

Come on, now. Monica has a good job.

It's not like you have
a family to support.

Actually, we're trying. I don't think
Monica is gonna want to postpone it.

We're supposed to have sex tonight.

Actually, she's probably at home,
naked right now.

I tend to keep talking
till somebody stops me.

- I can picture her on the bed.
- Stop!

Okay.

Wait. What do you mean,
you're taking over my job?

Well, while you were on your
baby vacation, I was doing your job.

A vacation? My idea
of a vacation does not involve...

...something sucking on my nipples
until they are raw.

Clearly, you've never been
to Sandals Paradise Island.

All right. Don't get too comfortable
there, because I'm back in two weeks.

I want everything back the way it was.

I can't say I care too much for the way
you've rearranged my office.

I can't say I care too much
for that smell you've brought in.

Excuse me?

Uh, Rach, uh,
we have a code brown situation.

Honey, could you please
take care of it for me?

All right, but you're gonna
have to do one sometime.

Let me just get this straight.

So I go have a baby, and they send
some guy in to do my job?

Well, there was talk of shutting down
Ralph Lauren altogether.

Okay. Right.
You're very cheeky for a temp.

I'm not a temp. I was transferred here
from another department.

Oh, and what department was that?
The, uh, jerk department?

They didn't tell me
about your quick wit.

Well, did they mention that
I'm rubber and you're glue?

- Gavin, Ralph loved your ideas.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Zelner.

Ah, Rachel. I see you've met Gavin.

When you left us, we weren't sure
what we were gonna do.

But then, Gavin to the rescue.
Super Gavin. Ha-ha-ha.

Well, that's great.

So now, uh, Super Gavin,
when I come back...

...uh, where do you plan
on flying off to?

That's up to Mr. Zelner.
I'm sure he'll make the right decision.

Oh, wow. Super ass-kissing power.

Incidentally,
when, uh, are you coming back?

Uh, today.

- You said two weeks.
- No, I said today.

See, for a superhero,
not so much with the listening.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, what'd he say?

Uh...

He can be a little rough
around the edges...

...so I'm gonna replace a word
he used a lot with the word "puppy."

Okay? So he said, "If your puppy friend
doesn't get her puppy act together...

...I am gonna fire
her mother-puppy ass."

I'm sorry. I can't do this.
I'm just not an actor.

That's right. You're not. You're a nurse.

- You're Nurse With Tray.
- Joey...

Nurse With Tray doesn't know Joey.
She has no time for friends.

She gets in that operating room
and she carries that tray to the doctor...

...because if she doesn't, people die.

Who dies?

Man With Eye Patch!

Now, you get in there,
and you do your job.

- Yes, doctor.
- Okay.

Okay, let's try this one more time.

Hang in there, Man With Eye Patch.
Your tray is coming.

And, action.

Yes, I did it! I nailed it!

Whoo!

What's next?

The rest of the scene.

Okay, from the top, people.

Listen, sudden change of plans.
Um, my maternity leave just ended.

They said if I didn't
come back today, they'd fire me.

What? No, that's illegal.

I'll have the Labor Department
here so fast, they won't...

All right, calm down, Norma Rae.
They didn't actually say that.

I'm just afraid if I don't come back now,
this guy will try and squeeze me out.

But what about Emma?
I mean, we don't have a nanny.

I know. We're just gonna have
to figure out a plan tonight.

Can you please just take care
of her for today?

Absolutely. Just give me your breasts,
and we'll be on our way.

Come on.
I don't know what else to do.

- Fine. Fine.
- Okay.

We'll have fun, won't we?
Yes, we will. Yes, we...

- Ross.
- Huh?

You're pretty.

Whatever I decide to do, I'm gonna be
starting a new career from scratch.

It's gonna be a while
before I make a living at it.

Maybe now's not the right time
to be starting a family.

So you have to tell Monica you don't
want to have a baby right now?

Yeah.

Goodbye.

Okay, it's baby time. Pants off, Bing.

Didn't see you there, Geller.

Yeah, Ross is here, so...

Uh, yeah, uh-huh. Yeah.

Uh, and I was really hoping
that maybe I could hang out.

- Mm.
- What do you, uh, feel like doing?

Well, uh, we're gonna have sex.

I don't feel like having sex.

Uh, maybe, uh... I don't know.

Maybe we can
watch a movie or something.

Uh, let me put it this way:

We're having sex
whether you're here or not.

Pants off, Bing.

Now that I'm back, why don't you just
fill me in on what you've been up to?

Well, I've changed your screen saver
from that picture of *NSYNC.

Hey, they were popular when I left.

I'm working on this
big presentation for tomorrow.

I should be involved in that,
so get me up to speed.

That'll take weeks.
Let me take care of the presentation.

Oh, no. I see what you're
doing here, all right?

This is my job, buddy. I've had it for
five years, and I know how it works.

- So why don't you just catch me up?
- Fine.

Oh, God. You've totally messed
with the back support on my chair.

- How do you fix this?
- You've been here five years.

- You figure it out.
- Fine, I will.

All right, fill me in.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Do you have a blue tie that would go
with this? Emma spit up on mine.

Oh, yeah, but you have to give it back
if I get a job.

Of course, by that time,
ties will be obsolete...

...and we'll all be wearing
silver jumpsuits.

- Hey, good morning, lover.
- Hey.

I gotta say, after last night,
I'm a little weak in the knees.

Here's an idea. You walk into a room,
take a quick scan.

Sorry.

But I kind of have this feeling that
we may have made a baby last night.

Oh, God, I have to tell you something.

You're not pregnant.

What are you talking about?

Well, that thing that I have to do
to make a baby?

I faked it.

What? You faked it?

You know what?

I don't need a tie.

I mean, it's...
It's better open collar, you know?

It's, uh, ahem, it's more casual.

Joey. Listen, I can't do this.
It doesn't make any sense.

Yesterday I was a nurse,
and today I'm a waitress at a café?

Oh, sometimes we use the same extras
for different parts. It's okay.

Well, it's not okay, because I gave a very
memorable performance as the nurse.

And now, suddenly, I'm the waitress?
That's gonna confuse my fans.

Um, um...

Well, maybe you are a nurse...

...but you moonlight as a waitress.

Oh.

Uh-huh.

Because I'm a single mother
supporting my two children.

- Nice. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay. Wait a minute.

Dr. Drake Ramoray and I work at the
same hospital. Wouldn't I come say hi?

No. No, see, uh,
you and Drake are having a fight.

About what?

He slept with you
and then never called you.

And I just wanted a new daddy
for Davey and Becky.

Okay.

Okay. Okay, from the top.

And, action.

So I'm surprised you agreed
to have lunch with me.

I'm surprised too. But yet, here I am.

Cut! Cut!

What...? What are you doing?

I'm very angry at him because he slept
with me and never called me back.

- Me too.
- Me too!

Oh, calm down.
She means on the show.

We need some new extras
around here.

Wow. You're here already.

Yes. Emma and I came in a little early
to do research on the presentation.

Actually, I made a few changes.
I think I'm caught up on everything.

So ask me anything.

- How do you fix the chair?
- Ugh, except that!

Oh, hello, Mr. Zelner. We are all ready
for our presentation this afternoon.

- Good, because it's in 10 minutes.
- What? I can't do that. I have the baby.

Ross is not gonna pick her up
for an hour.

Then Gavin can give the presentation.
We have to do it now.

Ralph needs to leave early today.
He's going helicopter shopping. Heh.

Well, there you go, you win. You win.

You get to do the presentation.
You'll knock them dead.

No one will remember that I worked here,
and then Ralph will buy his helicopter...

...and Super Gavin will just fly
right alongside of him.

- You can do the presentation.
- No, I can't. I have a baby.

I'll watch her.

Why would you do that?

Because you worked really hard, and
it's your job. And you're a little crazy.

That's really nice.

I should tell you that crying women
make me very uncomfortable.

Well, you're not gonna like
what's coming.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

God.

Thank you. Thank you.

Um.

Okay.

I'm really fine. Don't worry.
I'm great with children.

Okay.

Gavin Mitchell. Pleased to meet you.

Please don't fire my friend.
Just let me talk to her.

- Okay, but this is her last chance.
- Thank you.

How about I do something for you?

Tomorrow, uh, I'll bring you a hat,
cover up the bald.

Hey, uh, listen, Pheebs.
I was just talking to the director...

...and he was thinking maybe
this time you don't hit Drake.

You just wait on the tables.

I can't do that. I'm an actor.
I have a process.

You're a masseuse.
You have a table with a hole in it.

Wait, I see what's happening here.
You're threatened.

What?

I'm so good in the scene
that I'm stealing focus from you.

Well, rise to the challenge, Tribbiani,
because I just raised the bar.

- Come join me up here.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, you can fire her, but I would
call security. She won't go easy.

You faked it?
You couldn't have faked it.

Yes, you can. You just make
the faces and the noises.

Guys can fake it?

Ugh, unbelievable.
The one thing that's ours.

Why would you fake it
when we're trying to have a baby?

Well, that's actually why.

Look, I'm starting
a whole new career now.

I'm not saying I don't want a baby.

I'm just saying maybe
we could wait a little while.

Like...? Like a month?

- Or a year?
- Really? You wanna wait a year?

It could be less than a year.
I mean, you've heard my stuff.

"Pants. Like shorts but longer."

It'll probably be more than a year.

Wow. I...

- I really wanna have a baby.
- Well, yeah, me too.

Look, I'll just get my old job back.

No, I want you to have
a job that you love...

...not statistical analysis
and data reconfiguration.

I quit, and you learn what I do?

I think there's never gonna be
a right time to have a baby.

Now you're unemployed,
and in a little while...

...you'll find a new job
that'll keep you really busy.

There's always gonna be
a reason not to do this...

...but I think once the baby comes,
we'll forget about all those reasons.

I guess.

I mean, it's always gonna be scary
when we have a baby.

It's gonna be really scary.

I mean, God, when we have a baby...

...there's gonna be so much
that we're not able to control.

I mean, the apartment's
gonna be a mess.

I won't have time to clean it.

What if the baby gets
into the ribbon drawer...

...and messes up all the ribbons?

What if there's no room
for a ribbon drawer...

...because the baby's stuff
takes up all the space?

Where will all the ribbons go?

Should we go make a baby
before you change your mind?

- Yes, please!
- Okay.

Oh, and I promise I will not
fake it this time.

Well, I wish I could say the same.
I'm a little shook up.

I know you botched
that operation on purpose.

I can't prove it yet, but when I do,
you'll be going to jail for murder.

I don't care if you are my brother.

I'm not your brother.

What about my children, Drake? Huh?

No! No! No!

No! No!

God!