Friends (1994–2004): Season 8, Episode 7 - The One with the Stain - full transcript

Oh, my God, you cleaned!
Look at these floors!

You did the windows! I have been begging
you for months! And you did, you cleaned.

- And nagging works!
- No, I didn't actually do this.

Oh, no. Was I cleaning
in my sleep again?

No, it wasn't you.

- Well, then, who?
- I got a maid. Yay!

I hope by "maid" you mean "mistress"
because if some other woman was cleaning..

Now, honey, I know you don't like
to relinquish control.

"Relinquish" is just a fancy word
for "lose."

She's nice, and she mentioned that she
adored the way you arranged the sponges.

Did she really say that?



Yes, I distinctly remember because
I thought it was a joke.

- Now, just give her a chance, okay?
- Fine, I can do it.

- What's the matter?
- Usually when I'm this anxious, I clean.

Whose cell phone is that?
It's just so annoying. Everywhere you go.

I think it's coming from your bag.

I never get calls!

Hello?

Hi, it's Eric, from the Halloween
party. Ursula's fiance.

Oh, my God, Eric, hi!
Wait, how'd you get this number?

I have a friend who's a cop,
and he got it for me.

Wow. What an incredible violation
and wonderful surprise!

Listen, I just.. I thought you should know
I broke up with Ursula.

Oh, you did?
He did it, he did it!

- What did he do?
- I'm talking!



Anyway, I was wondering if you were
the sort of person who eats lunch?

Are you asking me out?

Because it'd be kind of weird since you
just broke up with my sister.

Yeah, okay. I'm sorry. Bye.

No, no. Wait! I was just saying that
so you'd think I was a good person.

Fight for me.

I won't take "no" for an answer.

Not great, but we can
work on it at lunch.

I can be at your apartment
in two hours.

Great. How do you know where I live?

I've got friends too.

Okay, bye.

Oh, my God, I'm going out with Eric!

This day is really gonna be so much better
than I thought it was gonna be.

Oh, Ross, I can't make lunch.

So apparently I'm available
for lunch.

I can't. I'm busy.
I'm apartment hunting.

You're moving?

I can't live with Joey
once the baby comes.

I don't want my child's first words
to be, "How you doing?"

So does Joey know you're moving?

I haven't discussed it with him,
but I know he'll be relieved.

Last week, he brought this girl over,
and I talked to her about morning sickness.

Then I showed her pictures
from my pregnancy book.

- That's not really porn?
- Not so much.

I heard in the elevator this morning
that a woman in my building died.

Oh, my God. Was she old?
Does she have a view?

I don't know, but how great would that be?
You living in my building?

I could take care of the baby,
I could come over whenever I want..

With your permission.

That really would be great.
Well, can we see it?

Maybe we shouldn't.
I mean, if she just died this morning.

Yeah. No. No, you're right.

- Shall we?
- Yeah.

Yes?

Hi. I'm Ross Geller.
I live in the building.

And I'm Rachel,
an admirer of the building.

I heard about Mrs. Verhoeven passing
away, and I am so sorry for your loss.

- She didn't pass away.
- What?

- My mother's still alive.
- Oh, thank God!

It looked like we were gonna lose her
this morning, but she's a tough old bird.

Are you close with her?

Of course. She and I would
talk all the time..

In the laundry room.

You speak Dutch?

You know, I would,
but it's just too painful.

So she's really not dead.

No. She's hanging in there.

Could you tell me, is she hanging in
in a one-bedroom or a two?

Mrs. Bing, this tile cleaner is incredible.
Where did you get it?

Oh, well.. I make it myself.

It's two parts ammonia and one part
lemon juice. The secret ingredient is..

You know what? We just met.

Okay. I'm gonna go get the clothes
from the laundry room now.

When I come back,
I'll clean behind the refrigerator.

I love her.

I'll be back in a minute.

Okay.

- See? I told you.
- She stole my jeans!

What?

I've been looking for them all week,
and she is wearing them.

So she stole your pants and then
came back and wore them in front of you?

Don't you see?
It's the perfect crime!

She must have been
planning this for years!

I'll prove it to you, okay.

I dropped a pen in my lap, and it left
an ink stain on the crotch.

When she comes back, I will find it
and show you that stain!

Isn't it possible the company that sold
the jeans made more than just the one pair?

I guess.

Shouldn't we give her the benefit of the
doubt before we snoop around her crotch?

Fine. I'm just glad I didn't give
her my secret ingredient.

Out of curiosity,
what is your secret ingredient?

Yeah.

- Hi.
- Come in. I'm so glad you're here.

Yeah. Me too.

Not in the shaky, angry way
that you are, though.

Sorry. I just saw Ursula.
I had to get the engagement ring back.

Just seeing her brought it all back.

All the lies, the way she used me.

I just.. I get so angry,
just looking at her..

- Face.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I'm sorry. It's just,
when I look at you..

I see her.

And when I see her,
I get a little bit angry.

So where do you wanna eat?

Not that I'm not enjoying
watching you flip out.

Sorry.

- Maybe this is too weird.
- Wait.

There's only a problem
when I look at you.

I got it. I got it.

No, don't tear out your eyes!

- I was just gonna take out my lenses.
- Oh, yeah. Try that.

So is that better?

Not really.

You're blurry, but you still
look like Ursula. You're "Blursula."

Okay, wait. Maybe..

If I just don't look at you
for a while.

See? It works. I'm not angry at
all anymore. This is a great date!

Yeah, not so much.

It's kind of hard
to have a conversation.

Oh, no.
Sure, we can have a conversation.

Tell me a little
something about yourself.

Oh, me?

Look, Eric, turn around.

I like you, but it shouldn't be
this hard. This is our first date.

First dates are supposed to be
about excitement and electricity and..

"He just touched my hand,
did he mean to?" and first kisses..

Second kisses.

Thanks for the coffee, or:

Yeah, we're done.

Hey, Ross. You wanna go see
that new IMAX movie on tide pools?

- Really?
- No.

But I got Knicks tickets
for you, me and Chandler.

Sweet!

And then afterwards,
we can go to a strip joint.

- Really?
- No.

All right, let's go.

I have to stop by my place.

To tape the game? You do this every
time. You're not gonna be on TV!

No, I have to see if this apartment
became available.

- You're switching apartments?
- It's not for me, it's for Rachel.

- She has an apartment.
- When the baby comes, she's gonna move.

- She is?
- Yeah.

You didn't expect her
to live there with the baby?

I didn't really think about it.

Hey, Gunther, you're an ezel.

Damn it!

- Nice jeans.
- Oh, thanks.

- I like your top.
- Oh. You're not getting it.

- What happened?
- Oh. I fell asleep!

I was thinking about taking
my lunch break.

Will you do the top of the cabinets?
That'll work up your appetite for lunch.

All right.

Hello.

What's going on?

I'm sorry. I've never had a maid
before. Is this not okay?

I don't understand.

Why was your head
just between my legs?

That's a fair question.

Well, my head was
between your legs..

Because I find you
very attractive.

Are you coming onto me?

Apparently.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How was the game?
- It was okay. I ate way too much.

I was talking to Ross, and he said
you were looking for a new place.

Yeah. Hopefully across the street.
If certain Dutch people would just let go.

I was kind of hoping you'd stay.

Joey, I have to go.
There's no room for a baby here.

No room? It's a baby.
It's, like, this big.

You could put it over here.

Or we could put it right here.
It's cute, right?

Or put it over here.
You wouldn't even notice it.

"Where's the baby?"
"Oh, it's right over.."

Honey, it's not just a matter
of where you put it.

A baby changes everything.
They cry all the time.

Imagine bringing home some girl and
trying to score with a screaming baby.

I could use a challenge.
It's getting pretty easy.

It's so sweet that you want me
to stay, but I can't.

It would disrupt your entire life.

It's just..
I love living with you so much.

- I wish things didn't have to change.
- I know.

You know, I blame Ross for this.

I do too, a little bit.

I'm gonna miss you.

You're the hottest roommate
I ever had.

Oh, no, I have to go.
I have a massage appointment.

No, stay here. We'll keep doing this.
I'll pay you.

No, I've gotten in trouble
for that before.

- I'll see you later?
- Absolutely.

I love the way you kiss.

Really? That's the thing I'm worst at!
You'll see.

Hey.

- Hey. I think Brenda needs a raise.
- How come?

Because I put my head
between her legs.

- To see her pants?
- They're my pants!

Are you sure?
Did you see the stain?

No. I was getting into position,
and then everything went dark.

She is not stealing from us, okay.
Will you let this go?

Fine.

- She's wearing my bra!
- Oh, dear God!

My pink, flowered bra!
I recognize the strap!

Yet you don't recognize
that you're crazy?

Here's the plan. I'm going to leave,
and you're gonna look at Brenda's bra.

Here's another plan. No.

I would do it, but she thinks
I'm attracted to her.

- Why?
- Did you not hear where my head was?

We're a team.
We're in this together.

I fear a jury will see it
the same way.

Do this for me. I catch you looking
at women's breasts all the time.

You see that?

Do you see this?

All right, yes.
Okay. I get your point.

But if it's not her bra, will you
just let the woman clean?

Yes. You'll know it's mine because on the
right cup, there's a very noticeable rip.

You need new clothes.

- Hi. How is she?
- It's not looking good.

Well, I brought her some bloemen.

That's so sweet. Would you like to say
goodbye? It would mean a lot to her.

Oh, I don't know that it would.

- Well, her memory is pretty much gone.
- All right, then.

- Hey!
- Welcome back.

- Shall we pick up from where we left off?
- I'm still tired from this afternoon.

- Why?
- The sex.

- What sex?
- Our sex.

We didn't have sex.

If I didn't have sex with you, I had sex
with somebody that looked like..

- You had sex with Ursula?
- A little bit.

She walked in, I thought she was you
and I kissed her and..

- You didn't notice different clothes?
- I was just so excited to see you.

- This is too weird.
- No, it's not. I don't wanna lose you.

It's like I was saying to Ursula
when I was making love..

Yeah. It's too weird.

So I guess this is it.

Yeah.

Maybe it's for the best.

- You smell just like her.
- Yeah, so do you.

- What are you doing?
- I'm leaning.

This is where I lean.

Okay.

- Brenda, a bee!
- What?

It's flown into your blouse, and you better
undo your buttons lest it sting you.

- I think I know what's going on here.
- You do?

Look, I know it must be hard
that your wife is a lesbian..

But it's wrong. You're married.

- I totally understand.
- Okay, good.

Could I just see your bra?

Hi.

- Where'd you get those jeans?
- You gave them to me.

- No, I didn't!
- All right, I took them.

I figured it'd be okay because
you've got a big ink stain on the crotch.

- Oh, no! Did you take my bra too?
- What bra?

- The pink one with the flowers.
- You mean the one you're wearing?

I quit!

Sounds about right.

What is this?

This is just to give you an idea.

We can put screens here
so that the baby has privacy..

And maybe a mobile over the crib..

And here's a baby monitor which, till the
baby comes, we can use as walkie-talkies.

You're so sweet!

Oh, my God!
And you gave the baby Hugsy!

That's really just to show
where the baby would go.

Why don't I hold on to him
so there's no confusion.

Joey, the baby is gonna be crying.
It's gonna be loud.

- I'm loud.
- It's gonna be up all night.

- I'm up all night.
- It's gonna poop.

Hello!

What about all the women?

If I'm bringing home a woman
who can't stand a baby..

Then maybe I don't wanna
be with that woman.

Or maybe we'll do it
in the bathroom of the club!

But I won't say stuff
like that around the baby.

Joey, are you sure?

Yeah. Look, I know sometimes
it'll be hard, okay..

But it'll also be really,
really great.

Please, Rachel,
I really want you to stay.

I want me to stay too. Thank you.

- Joey, look at this crib. It's so cute.
- I know. I found it on the street.

Are you..? Really?
This is in such good condition.

Whoa! What's under the cover?

- I don't know.
- It's moving.

It's got a tail! Get it out of here!

Okay!

Well, the old lady died.
And how do I know?

Because her dying wish
was for one last kiss.

And because I'm such a strong,
strapping alleenstaande..

I had to carry her body to the lobby.

You know, and she was
not a slight woman.

But I don't care, because
you got the apartment. Yes!

Yeah. I think I'm gonna stay here.

Isn't that great?

What..? You.. But.. Bu..