Friends (1994–2004): Season 8, Episode 6 - The One with the Halloween Party - full transcript

- Hey, guys, guess what. - What?
I know it's last minute, but we've decided to have a Halloween party.
- Oh, good! - Great!
- And everybody has to wear costumes. - Oh, I don't know...
[MUTTERING]
Come on, it'll be fun.
Uh, I'll be there. I have to wear a costume to my classes that day anyway.
Tell me you're not gonna dress like a dinosaur.
Pfft, heh.
Not two years in a row.
- I'll come, but I'm not dressing up. - You have to.
No. Halloween is stupid. Dressing up, pretending to be someone you're not.
You're an actor.
Ross, are you gonna bring Mona?
- Yeah. Yeah, I will. - The girl from their wedding?
- Yeah. - Wow, hey.
If she needs any ideas for costumes, she could be a, uh, bikini model...
...or a slutty nurse, or a sexy cheerleader.
Or, ooh, ooh. Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
No, no, no! Slutty Leatherface.
Wasn't Joey hitting on her at the wedding too?
That's right, he was hitting on her.
And I got her. I guess the better man won. Heh.
Please don't take her from me.
- Ursula! - Oh. Heh.
Wait. It's me, Phoebe.
Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay. Bye.
Wait a second!
Um, so, what's new with you?
Um, nothing. I mean, I'm getting married next week.
- What? - Yeah, yeah.
It's gonna be a small ceremony. Just family.
His.
Huh.
Okay.
I'm really happy for you.
Wait. If, um... If you want to come, I guess that'd be okay.
- Really? - Sure, why not?
You could be my "sister" for the day.
Yeah, heh, okay.
Um, you know, my friends are having a Halloween party tonight...
...at my old apartment, so you could come.
Maybe I could meet the guy you're marrying.
Well, I'm supposed to be working tonight.
I'm supposed to be working now, so who cares!
- By the way, it's a costume party. - Oh, okay, so that's why you're...
No.
But thanks.
- Hi. - You're supposed to wear a costume.
I am. I am a woman...
...who spent a lot of money on a dress and she wants to wear it...
...because soon she won't be able to fit into it.
- Oh. I'm Catwoman. - Ah.
Who wants the dress when you're too big for it.
Okay.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
KIDS: Trick or treat! - Oh! Can I give out candy?
I really want to be with kids.
Ever since I got pregnant, I have the strongest maternal instincts.
KIDS: Trick or treat! - Just a minute!
We... Aah! Look at you guys!
- Wow! You are a very scary witch. - Thank you.
- And you are a very funny clown. - Thank you.
And you...
...are so in style right now.
You know, I work at Ralph Lauren.
The whole fall line has got this equestrian theme going on.
- Did you see the cover of Vogue...? - Could I just have the candy?
Yeah. Sure.
Ah, Catwoman. So we meet again.
So we do, Supergirl.
It's me, Phoebe.
Monica, can I talk to you for a second?
Listen, I appreciate you getting the costume.
Oh, you did this to him?
What? I thought he'd love it.
His favorite book was The Velveteen Rabbit.
The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white.
It was either a pink bunny, or no bunny at all.
No bunny at all. Always no bunny at all!
- Hey. - You didn't dress up either?
Yes, I did. I'm Chandler.
Dude, what happened?
- How is that me? - Okay, ahem.
I'm Chandler.
[GROANS]
- Ha, ha! That is so you! - Ha-ha-ha.
- When have I ever done that? - When have I ever done that?
[GROANS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
GIRL: Trick or treat. - Oh!
Oh, you're just the prettiest ballerina ever I've ever seen.
Thank you.
Oh, wow. That deserves another candy.
- Thank you. - Ha-ha-ha.
I have to say, that earns "two-two" pieces of candy.
I love you!
Oh! Aw...
Oh, honey, here, take it all.
Monica? We need more candy.
- What? There's only been four kids. - I know.
But one said she loved me, so I gave her everything.
No wonder you're pregnant.
- Hey. - Hey.
- What are you supposed to be? - Remember the Russian satellite, Sputnik?
Well, I'm a potato. Or a "spud"...
...and these are my antenna.
So Sputnik becomes?
Spud-nik! Spud-nik.
Wow, I don't have the worst costume anymore.
Hey, all right! Ross came as doodie.
- No, I'm not doodie. - No, space-doodie.
- God! - Hey, sweetie.
- Aren't you gonna give me a kiss? - Okay, I will.
But right after, you have to tell me who you are.
- Ursula? - Ursula's fiancé?
- Oh, my God. You're the sister. - Yeah.
- I just slapped my future sister-in-law's ass. - Yeah.
I'm an idiot. Is your mother here? I could give her a slap on the butt.
- My mother killed herself. - See, and I knew that.
Now I'm sweating.
I'm really sweating. Now I'm saying look at me, I'm even sweatier. I should go.
No. We'll start over.
- Hi, I'm Phoebe. - Eric.
- Why are you looking at me like that? - The sweat's in my eyes.
- It's burning. - Okay.
- Thank you. - There.
- So, what are you? - I don't think they have a name for it.
I get nervous, and I sweat like crazy.
- No, I meant your costume. - Oh, um, I'm a solar system.
My student's helped me. I teach second grade.
- I love the second grade. - Really?
It's better than first grade, where you don't know what's going on.
And definitely better than third grade.
You know, with all the politics and the mind games.
- So, what do you do? - I'm a masseuse, by day.
- You don't have to stand here with me. - I'm having fun.
- I'm really excited for you and Ursula. - I feel very lucky. She's great.
- She's the most beautiful woman ever. - Thank you.
- Hey, Joey? - Yeah?
- You read comic books, right? - Exclusively.
Who do you think would win in a fight, Catwoman or Supergirl?
- Catwoman, hands down. - Yeah.
Between you and Phoebe? I'd give the edge to Phoebe.
- What? Really? - You kidding?
Phoebe lived on the street, okay? Plus, she's got this crazy temper. She...
She's not right behind me, is she?
- No, you're fine. - Okay.
- Do you think I could take Rachel? - I'm not sure.
What? Come on, I am tough!
Punch me here, as hard as you can!
Relax. What are you taking this so seriously for? It doesn't matter.
Really? What would you say if I told you Ross or Chandler could beat you up?
I would say, "Woman, please."
Hey, Ursula's fiancé is really sweet.
He's a teacher, he does volunteer work.
Normally, I don't like sweaty guys. But I could just mop him up.
- Oh, my God, Phoebe? - What?
You're getting a crush on your sister's fiancé.
No, I'm not, you are!
Here comes the temper.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Trick or treat. - Hi.
Hi. Know what? We're out of candy. But someone went to get some.
And I've been giving out money, but I'm out of that too.
- Can I write you a check? - Okay.
- Okay. What's your name? - Lelani Mayolanofavich.
Okay, I'm just gonna write this out to "cash."
- Hi. - Hi, Mona.
- Oh, hey. - Hi.
Joey's gonna be thrilled. He was hoping you'd come by as a slutty nurse.
Um, actually, I'm just a nurse.
You'd think that would embarrass me, but, you see, I'm maxed out.
- Hey, you made it. - Hi! Wait.
- You're, um... You're a potato? - Well, I'm a spud?
And the antenna...
- Oh, my God, you're Spud-nik! - Yes!
Marry her.
Okay, here's a good one for you.
Who do you think would win a fight between Ross and Chandler?
I can't answer that. Chandler's my husband.
- So Ross? - Yeah.
- Hey, beautiful. - Hello, handsome.
Oh, God.
Aw, look at you two. So when did you guys meet?
- Two weeks ago. - Two weeks, that's it?
I know. It sounds crazy, and it's not like me to do something impulsive.
But she's so perfect, and we have so much in common.
Oh, really?
- We're both teachers. - Huh?
- And we were both in the Peace Corps. - Peace Corps, really?
In fact, when we were building houses in Uruguay...
...we were just two towns apart and we never met.
Yeah. It wasn't a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left.
- Shall we get me really drunk? - Sure.
Ha, ha. Ugh.
Howdy, doodie.
That's funny, yeah.
You're the funniest man here in a bunny costume his wife made him wear.
Relax, man. Relax. You're looking a little flushed.
Hey, I think we might find out the answer to our question.
- What question? - Who could kick whose ass in a fight...
...you or Ross?
- There's no question. - So you think Ross too?
- You picked Ross? - Ross is really strong.
He's the strongest out of all three of you. Except for Joey.
- I can not believe you didn't pick me. - In her defense, she's right. I am stronger.
I would destroy you.
Oh, really? You think you're stronger? Why don't you prove it?
Oh, I'll prove it. I'll prove it like a theorem!
All right! Okay, stop it. Stop it!
Stop! No one's gonna fight.
People came to see a fight, let's give them what they came for!
- You guys could arm-wrestle. - Yeah, listen to the slutty nurse.
- You're going down. - Oh, yeah? You're going further down.
Downtown!
Seriously, guys, the trash talk is embarrassing.
Oh, Gunther, you brought candy. Thank you so much for picking this up.
- You are so sweet. - Really?
Someday, you are gonna make some man the luckiest guy in the world.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Got to go. BOY: Trick or treat.
Hi! Wow! There you go.
My friend Lewis told me you were giving out money.
Oh, yeah, we were, but, um, now we've got candy.
I'd rather have the money.
Well, that's not your choice. Happy Halloween!
This isn't fair.
Is it fair that all you did was put on a cape and I gotta give you stuff?
Shut up!
You shut up!
- You can't tell me to shut up. - Uh, I think I just did.
And uh-oh, here it comes again. Shut up!
- Uh, Rach. - No, I got it. I'm good. I got it.
Wait, I had one more thing to say.
Oh, right. Shut up.
You're a mean old woman.
Oh, wait! No. Shut... Don't cry!
Let me get my checkbook!
Honey, you don't have to do this.
It's the strength you have inside that means the most to me.
You're loyal, you're honest and you have integrity.
That's the strength I want in the man I love.
That means nothing to me. Come on!
Ugh.
- Hi, liar. - Hey.
You know, the only reason he's marrying you...
...is because he thinks the things you were saying were true.
- They could be true. - But they're not.
Yeah. It's a fine line, huh?
- Why are you lying to him? - I don't know.
He said he did this stuff, I said I did it too. He got so excited, it was fun.
ERIC: Honey?
It's a disgusting habit, and I want you to quit now!
She's helped so many people quit smoking.
URSULA: We'd better get going.
- You have a church group meeting. - Right.
- Well, it was nice meeting you. - You too.
And, Ursula, it was really nice meeting you tonight!
Pheebs, come on! Bunny versus Doodie. We're waiting!
Okay, guys. One match, winner take all.
Wait. What does the winner get?
- Pride. - And dignity.
Heh. Okay, if you say so.
All right, ready, set, go!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
JOEY: Come on!
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
- Wow, they're both really strong. - Or equally weak.
Oh, God. Chandler's making his sex face.
- So you getting tired? - No. I could do this all day.
Yeah. Me too.
- Getting a little tired, though. - God, I'm exhausted.
This is starting to look bad for me, okay? Mona's standing right there.
Oh, God, she's talking to Joey! You've got to let me win!
No way. Let me win. My wife thinks I'm a wimp.
Hey, at least you have a wife.
I keep getting divorces and knocking people up.
And I'm dressed as doodie.
- You're Spud-nik. - Come on, who we kidding? I'm doodie.
- Please? She's watching. - Ugh.
- Fine. - Thanks.
[BOTH GROAN]
- Oh, no. - Oh, yeah!
Yay!
My hero!
You're a weird lady.
- Hey, Ursula said she left her purse. - Oh.
What a relief. It has the numbers of the people in her prayer chain.
I'm sure it does. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, guess I'll see you at the wedding.
Um, listen. I don't think I'm gonna make it to the wedding.
- I wish you all the luck in the world. - We'll be okay.
It's so perfect, and she's been saving herself for me.
- I can't let you do this. She's lying to you. - What?
She is lying. And I bet I could prove it. Excuse me.
Okay. Yeah, not a prayer chain.
But what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan.
Here's the name tag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress.
Not a teacher, a waitress.
Here's her driver's license. She always lies about this.
- How old did she say she was? - She told me she was 25.
Aw. I almost don't want to show you this.
Just remember, I'm a minute younger.
I am so stupid.
Of course she's lying. She's not a teacher.
There's no such thing as a "Top Secret School for the Children of Spies."
No, you're not stupid.
I'm not smart.
I just wanted so much to be impulsive for once.
- To be romantic. - That's good.
You should be impulsive and you should be romantic.
Just, you did it with the wrong person.
- What? - It's weird, two people look so alike.
And so different.
URSULA: Eric! Let's go!
- Better go deal with it. - Yeah, you should.
URSULA: Hurry up! I gotta pray!
- Hey. - Hey.
Well, I had to give the kid 50 bucks to stop crying.
- That's not so bad. - I also had to go to a couple houses...
...as his girlfriend.
Ugh, I am just awful with children.
Come on, you're good with kids. They're just crazy on Halloween.
They're all greedy, hopped up on sugar.
- Really? That's all it is? - Absolutely.
Halloween is the worst. Except for Christmas. And their birthdays.
They get crazy during the summer too.
And any time they're hungry or sleepy.
Kids are tough. Good luck with that. Pfft.
Look, I wanted to tell you, I'm sorry you lost.
Oh, listen. I got a secret for you. I let him win.
- Heh, heh. - Was that a secret, or a lie?
- No, I let him... Ross? - Yeah?
Would you tell her I let you win, please?
Oh, yeah, uh, Chandler let me win.
No, Chandler's really strong. Oh, my arm is so sore. Oh, nurse?
I am strong. I'll show you.
Chandler, please.
Oh, what's the matter? Are you scared?
Let's go, big bunny!
One, two, three. Go!
I'm gonna kill myself.
[English - US - SDH]