Friends (1994–2004): Season 8, Episode 5 - The One with Rachel's Date - full transcript

This one's rare.
This one's medium-well. Go!

Hey, Phoebe! How was dinner?!

Dinner was good! Just saying hi!
Now I'm gonna go!

- Well, hello there.
- Hi.

I didn't see this on the menu.

Tim, this is Phoebe.
Phoebe, this is Tim, my new sous chef.

- So you're Monica's boss?
- No, she's my boss.

- "Sous" is French for "under."
- I "sous-stand."

Tim, I need a calamari and a caesar salad.
And could you get me the pesto?

- You made pesto?
- Yes, I did.

Would you say your pesto
is the best-o?



I don't know.
I would say it's pretty good-o.

I still need the calamari and salad.

I like your necklace.

"Coming up, Monica. I have to obey you,
otherwise the system breaks down."

"I know that." "Then why are
we having this conversation?"

- I made it myself.
- You are so talented.

Well, it's no pesto.

Let's just cut to the chase.
You're single. You're single.

He gets off work at 11.
She'll be waiting for your call.

I'll give him your number if I could just
get one calamari and one caesar salad!

I did not yell.
I am not putting a dollar in the jar.

- Wow, Bing! Burning the midnight oil.
- You know me, sir.

Do you know how I can get around
the office computer network..

So I can access
the really good Internet porn?



You're a joker, Bing.

What's funny about that?

- Sorry I kept you waiting so long.
- That's okay. Where do you wanna go?

I think you know where I wanna go.

- The Hard Rock Cafe?
- Yeah.

- Again?
- Yeah.

- I'm telling you, I like the food.
- You like the Purple Rain display.

- Hey, Bob.
- Hey, Toby. Have a good night.

- Did that guy just call you Toby?
- Yeah, he thinks that's my name.

- Why don't you correct him?
- It's been going on way too long now.

The first time, we were just passing
each other, so I didn't say anything.

The next time he said,
"Toby, want a doughnut?"

I wanted the doughnut.

Five years later, the doughnut's gone
and I'm still Toby.

- Chandler, you have to tell him.
- That would be so awkward.

We don't work together.
He's on the sixth floor.

So he calls me Toby once in a while.

It's not like he's calling me Muriel.

Muriel.
Why would he call you Muriel?

Oh, my God.

Chandler "M." Bing.

It's not just an "M."
Your middle name is Muriel!

It is a family name.

Chandler Muriel Bing.

Your parents never even
gave you a chance, did they?

Drake, I've discovered the reason
for your memory loss.

What is it?

Your brain transplant
wasn't successful.

Your body's rejecting Jessica's brain.

Is it serious?

Not if we extract tissue
from the original body..

And synthesize antibodies
to stop you from rejecting the brain.

That sounds simple enough.
Let's just do that.

We would, but when we went
to exhume Jessica's body..

It was gone.

Very nice, people.

I'll change and we can go.

- What happened to Jessica's body?
- You'll have to see it on TV.

- You don't know, do you?
- Couldn't care less.

- Good scene, man.
- You too.

What? You weren't in it.

Kash, this is my friend Rachel.
Rachel, Kash.

- Hi.
- Why haven't I seen you here before?

Joey just thinks I'll embarrass him.
He thinks I'm a soap opera nut.

Which I'm not. I'm not.

Although, I do know your favorite
ice cream flavor is butter pecan.

And your dog's name is Wally.

- Look, I'm just stroking your arm.
- Here we go.

Bye, Kash. Say hi to Wally.

- Monica.
- Hi.

I had the best time
with Tim last night. He is so sweet.

I can't wait
to get "sous-neath" him.

- I have to fire him.
- Why?

He's terrible.
He's slow. He burns things.

He lit my pastry chef on fire.

He was nervous.
You can be intimidating.

And your pastry chef can stand
to be taken down a peg.

Well, now she has no eyebrows.
Mission accomplished.

But, Monica, he loves his job so much.

Can't you just give him
another chance, please?

All right. But if he lights
someone else on fire, he's gone.

That's fair. Thank you so much.

Looks like he got you
a little bit too.

I paid to have this done.

Love it!

Hey. You know,
Kash really liked you.

He thought you were charming.

- I thought I was an idiot.
- I'm with you.

- He asked if you'd go out with him.
- I think I'm gonna throw up a little.

- What did you say?
- "No."

What?

I figured since you're pregnant,
you're not gonna be seeing people.

First of all, Kash Ford?
Not people.

Did you tell him I was pregnant?

No. I didn't know if you told people.
This was when Kash was still "people."

- Good. Just have him call me.
- I don't think that's..

Go do it or I'll come back
to that set. I'll meet more actors.

- Hey, Bob.
- How's my pal Toby doing today?

If I see him, I'll ask.

Was that Bob from six
you were just talking to?

- Yeah.
- You know him?

We're on a semi-first-name basis.

- What about adding him to our team?
- Bob?

Working here with us? Every day?
I don't know if he has what it takes.

- They love him down on six.
- But this is 11.

It's almost twice as hard up here.

- Okay, Bob will stay put.
- I think it's best, sir.

We do need to find somebody.
Work is starting to pile up.

I've got a stack
of documents this high.

Just toss them in the shredder
and claim you never got them.

That's a good one, Bing.

What does a guy have to do
to be taken seriously around here?

I gave him another chance,
but Tim has got to go.

I called the chef
who recommended him to me.

He said, "Ha, ha! Gotcha!"

- But don't fire him today.
- Why?

- Because I'm dumping him today.
- You said he was sweet.

He's too sweet.
He calls me all the time.

"Did you get home okay?
Was your shower okay?"

- Don't pick up the phone.
- Then he comes over!

"I was so worried about you."
Be a man!

So I can't fire him?

And dump him the same day?
He'll kill himself.

I'll fire him, and you go out
with him another week.

Are you kidding? Another week
with that simp, I'll kill myself.

We'll both do it today
and he'll just have to deal with it.

Okay. But who's gonna go first?
Whoever goes second is the bitch.

- What?
- Fire a guy that's just been dumped?

Bitch!
And dump a guy that's just been fired?

Blond bitch!

I wanted to do this days ago,
so I think I should go first.

All right, that makes sense.

But screw you! I'm going first!

- Toby, you got a sec?
- Sure. What's up?

I wanted to get transferred up here,
but it's not gonna happen.

Apparently somebody thinks
I'm not "11th-floor material."

Say, who the hell is this Chandler?

What's the best excuse for why
I'm not drinking on this date tonight?

"I'm a recovering alcoholic,"
"I'm a Mormon"..

Or "I got so hammered last night
I'm still a little drunk"?

You're not gonna
tell him you're pregnant?

I don't think so. Books say wait
till the third date to tell the guy..

You got something
growing in your uterus.

- Hey.
- Hi.

What do you want to do tonight?

There's a powerful Ukrainian film
playing. Interested?

No. But I'll go see
a normal-person movie with you.

- Rach, you wanna come?
- I can't. I've got a date.

- A date?
- Yeah. Why, is that weird for you?

Why, no. It's the opposite of weird.
It's regular.

It's mundane.
It's actually a little dull.

It's no Ukrainian film.

Earrings!

- She's got a date? With who?
- I set her up with this actor.

- You set her up?
- No.

- What were you thinking?
- That it was okay..

Because you two haven't dated
in five years.

I'm worried about my baby.
Whoever she dates, my baby dates.

- Where is this "actor" taking them?
- Hey! I'm an "actor" too.

They're taking the ferry
to a place on Staten Island.

My baby's going on a ferry? Do you
have any idea how dangerous those are?

Aren't we talking about
those big boats that go really slow?

Why not just jump out of an airplane
or burn each other with matches?

- Hey, Joey.
- Hey, Kash. Ross, this is Kash.

Hey, I hear you're going
on a ferry tonight.

Bit of a daredevil, are we?

Do you guys think this is too slutty?
Hi, Kash.

- Hey, Rachel. You ready to go?
- Yeah. See you guys later.

Have a great time, you guys.
And yes, it is too slutty!

Hi.

Hi.

I'm glad you called.
I feel like I'm always calling you.

What's up?
Is everything okay with Phoebe?

It will be in a minute.

- Tim, you're a really great guy.
- That's because I'm with you.

It's just, I'm in a place in my life
right now where..

So sorry. "This just in."

It's the restaurant.
Monica needs me right away.

No, she doesn't! I know what that is.
You can stay.

I'll miss you too, Pheebs.

And I will be holding you right here.

What movie do you wanna see?
And not one I have to read.

I get that from books.

- Books?
- Okay, car magazines, cereal boxes..

But it's enough!

Let's not see a movie.
We'll just stay here and hang.

- Just wait for Rachel to come back?
- Hey, if that's what you wanna do.

Dude, what is going on?

- I have to find out how it went.
- Why?

- He could be my baby's stepfather.
- One date and they're getting married?

He's not you!

I can't believe she's dating!

- What did you think she was gonna do?
- I don't know.

- I can't believe this is happening.
- What do you mean?

I thought when I had another kid,
it'd be different.

I love Ben. But every time
I drop him off at Carol and Susan's..

It breaks my heart a little.

I've always had this picture
of me and my next wife in bed..

My kid comes running in, leaps up
on the bed and we all read the paper.

Maybe fight over the science section.

- That's nice. You can still have that.
- No. Rachel's out with some guy.

My baby went with her.

If anything, that picture
keeps moving further away.

Hey, can I ask you something?

In this picture of you and your wife,
is your wife Rachel?

It used to be.

Now she doesn't really have a face.

Smokin' body, though.

Good call. But the face, Ross,
the face isn't Rachel.

No. But how much easier would it be
if it were?

That's not what she wants.

I know. And I can't force myself
to fall in love with her.

Ross, maybe you need a new picture.

It won't be what you thought.
But no matter what..

There's gonna be
a brand-new little baby. Your baby.

Who cares what the picture looks like?

Yeah.

Let's you and me go out
and have some fun.

Whatever you want. Come on.

- We can catch that Ukrainian film.
- No, I said fun.

- Hey, Toby?
- Hey, Bobby.

It's Bob, actually.

You work up here. Where's
Chandler Bing's office?

Yeah, it's right..

Right there.
Let me ask you, why?

I wanna talk to that bastard,
see what his problem is.

Okay, Bob. Listen.

I'm the reason you didn't get the job.

- Toby, don't.
- Bob.

Toby, I'm not gonna let you cover
for him.

Anything you say will just get me
more upset with Chandler.

That puts me
in a difficult position.

You do anything to Chandler,
it's gonna bring you down to his level.

I guess you're right.

Don't give him the satisfaction.
You're better than Chandler. We all are.

Especially me, Toby.

- Is everything okay?
- That depends.

- How are you and Phoebe?
- Great. Thanks for introducing us.

My pleasure. Okay, I'm afraid
I've got some bad news.

- Phoebe!
- Monica!

- You're fired!
- I'm breaking up with you!

I'm breaking up with you.

- You're fired.
- Why?

I'm sorry. I'm not ready
for a relationship right now.

I'm sorry too.
But I like things done a certain way.

- The chemistry's just not right.
- The chemistry thing for us too.

Wow. Okay.

I realize I came on a little strong.
It's because I think you're amazing.

I wanna tell you how much I appreciate
you giving me an opportunity.

You're the most talented chef
I've ever worked for.

Anyway..

- Tim, wait.
- Yeah?

I spoke too quickly. There's
a learning curve with this job.

Maybe we could try it again.

Thank you so much.
I know I can be better.

And, Tim, I just want to say
good luck here.

- Hello.
- Hi.

How was the date?

I'm alone and I just bought $15 worth
of candy bars. What do you think?

- What happened?
- I told him I was pregnant.

- He didn't take it so well?
- Well, better than you.

- But still not what you want.
- Oh?

Yeah. He got all weird and sputtery.
Then he said:

"I hear those hemorrhoids
are a bitch."

- He sounds swell.
- Doesn't he?

You want a little cheering up?
Sit down.

Guess whose middle name is Muriel.

Chandler M. Bing. Oh, my God.

- I'm sorry about your date.
- It's all right.

I guess I'm just done
with the dating thing.

Just one more thing in my life
that's completely different.

- This is hard.
- Yeah, I know.

On the other hand, in seven months
you're gonna have something..

That you're gonna love more than
any guy you've ever gone out with.

Just wait.

Wait until the first time
your baby grabs your finger.

You have no idea.

Thanks, sweetie.

- You wanna grab some coffee?
- No. I'm gonna go eat 10 candy bars.

- I thought I cheered you up.
- You did. There are 20 in here.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Ross? Hey, it's Mona.
From the wedding.

- Oh, hi!
- Hi.

- How are you?
- I'm good, except you owe me a dance.

That's right. Well, would you be
interested in seeing a Ukrainian film?

Oh, you're serious. Sure.

Great. Well..

- I think I need another cup of coffee.
- Sure, let me get it for you.

Bob?

Bob!

Bob!

- What the hell are you doing?
- This is Chandler's office.

Come on, Toby. Give me a hand!