Friends (1994–2004): Season 8, Episode 4 - The One with the Videotape - full transcript

Wait. Before we go in, I just
want you to know that I love you.

I had a great time on our honeymoon.

I can't wait
to spend our life together.

You're sticking with
the shell necklace, huh?

You're back!

Come on in!

How was the honeymoon?

So much fun. The best part is,
we met this great couple.

That was the best part?
Good honeymooning, tiger.

They're cool.
It was their honeymoon too.

They live here in the city.



Can we go call them?
Is it too soon to call?

We're excited. We finally
have a couple to hang out with.

Oh, were you looking for that?

Well, yeah.

A couple? Like two people?
Like one, two people?

It's different.
Greg and Jenny are married.

Greg and Jenny?
"Hi, Greg. I'm Chandler."

"Hi, Monica. This is Jenny."
"Hi, Jenny. Hi, Greg."

- They're great. If you just..
- You know what?

Give us our souvenirs
and get out of here.

- We didn't get a chance to..
- You're kidding!

- We didn't get anything for anyone.
- Nice necklace.

That you can have.

- Welcome home.
- How was the honeymoon?



Great! How about you?
You're having a baby!

Yeah, we are. It's so exciting.

I always knew you two
would have a child out of wedlock.

- Look, I have a sonogram picture.
- Good.

Ross, it's got your wavy, black lines.

Now that Ross knows, how'd it happen?
When? How many times?

Monica, that's not right.
Start with where.

It happened about six weeks ago.

I got home and Ross was there.
He'd been hanging out with Joey.

You're welcome, buddy.

Yeah, thanks.

I had a lot of work,
and Ross offered to help.

We had wine, we got to talking.

Next thing you know,
Ross comes on to me.

That's a little misleading.

- What is?
- The lie you just told.

- That you came on to me?
- There's the one!

- But you did. Let's be honest.
- Yes, let's.

Ross. If it helps, I don't believe you.

It's not important.

What's important is, we're having
a baby, not who came on to who.

"Whom."

That's right.

- You kissed me first.
- You were begging for it!

You were sending me signals!

I was sending signals? Anyone think
that I'd send Ross begging signals?

Please, show of hands.

It doesn't matter what people believe!
It happened.

Maybe I need to be more careful.
Am I sending these signals now?

- You know what? Just drop it.
- Show me how I begged you.

I can show you!
I have it on videotape.

It's an expression.

Come on, Rachel, open up.
Let me explain.

- Still won't let you in, huh?
- No.

I'm just gonna close this door
so we can talk about you.

I can't believe
he taped them having sex.

Yeah. You gotta tell a girl
before you tape her.

Such a rookie mistake.

- Know who has a great camera?
- Greg and Jenny?

- I want to call them.
- Let's call.

Ask them if they brought
their friends souvenirs.

Hello. 8th Street Deli?

Hang up. You get food poisoning
just talking to that place.

- Sorry, wrong number.
- Here you go, babe.

Hello? It's the deli again!

All right, I'll have a sandwich.

I don't think this number's right.

- What?
- You got fake-numbered.

- What? People don't do that.
- Oh, I think we do.

- Why would they do that?
- I don't know.

You were a delight.
You asked those great questions.

And you were never funnier.
Joke, joke, joke! You were a hoot!

You still got me and Phoebe.

Excuse me, I don't want
Greg and Jenny's rejects.

Rachel won't talk to me.
She won't open the door.

I wonder why, pervert.

Okay, I am not a pervert.

That's, like, the pervert motto.

You raise your hand, put your left
hand down your pants and repeat that.

Filming Rachel was not planned.

Here's what happened.
Joey can back me up.

A month and a half ago, remember
I came to you with a problem?

The personal thing?

- What personal thing?
- About sex?

That I hadn't had sex in months?

Yeah, I knew what
you were talking about.

I'd like to talk about something
I'm uncomfortable talking about.

Sure.

How about you showering
with your mom?

I actually had a topic in mind.

I'm kind of going through
a dry spell, sex-wise.

- For, like, months?
- Five, to be..

Lying. Six.

Six months? That's rough.

It's not all bad. I'm learning to
appreciate the small things, like..

The sound of a bird
and the color of the sky.

The sky's blue, Ross.
And I had sex yesterday.

Please help me.
I have a date tonight.

It has to go well.
I'm scared for my health.

I got something.
It's this story that I came up with.

Very romantic.
Any woman that hears it is putty.

Tell it to me.

Now, you're gonna want to have sex
with me when you hear it.

Remember, it is just the story.

I'll try to control myself.

Years ago, I was backpacking
across Western Europe..

- You were backpacking across Europe?
- Have a nice six more months.

I'm sorry. Please, please.
You were in Western Europe, and..?

I was outside Barcelona, hiking
in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo.

- Nice.
- Thanks.

I was at the end of this path,
and there was a lake.

Very secluded.
There were tall trees all around.

It was dead silent. Gorgeous.

And across the lake I saw
a beautiful woman bathing herself.

But she was crying.

Why?

This is great wine.

It's from France.

In Europe.

Western Europe.

A few years ago I was backpacking
across Western Europe.

- Really?
- Wait, it gets better.

Yeah, I was in Barcelona.

I studied for a year in Barcelona.

- You did?
- Yeah. When were you there?

- Eighty..
- Nine?

Three.

I was 13?

- So anyway, I was hiking..
- I love hiking!

That's great!

I was hiking along the foothills
of Mount Tibidaybo..

- I think it's "Tibidabo."
- Do you want to tell the story?

How'd your date go?

Great. I'm across the street
having sex right now.

- Your story sucks.
- Then you didn't tell it right.

- Show me how you did it.
- No, I don't want to.

- How long since you seen a girl naked?
- I was backpacking..

- I'm not feeling it.
- I was outside Barcelona, hiking..

- Ross, I'm not hot. Are you hot?
- It's been six months. I'm always hot.

You're not selling the story.
You don't believe it.

I gotta go, I got a date.
But try this.

Do what I do before an audition.

I'm not hungry.

No.

Use my camera to record yourself
and see what you're doing wrong.

I'll try that.

Now, you're all set up. Good to go.
Just hit record. Good luck.

If you ever have any problem with the
ladies, you know I'll help you out.

That means a lot to me, man.

Can I get you anything?
Lens cleaner? Your battery okay?

Ross, thank God you're here.
You have to help me.

Were you talking to yourself?

That's less embarrassing.
Yes. Yes, I was.

When she came in,
I totally forgot about the camera.

It kept rolling
and recorded everything.

Yeah, we're gonna need
to see that tape.

What a great idea!
That'll get Rachel to forgive me.

Come on, it'll be like watching
the Discovery Channel..

Only we'll know the monkeys.

Look, I'm not gonna let you guys
watch us.

- I haven't even seen it yet.
- I'll trade you two tapes of me having sex.

Thanks, I'm good.

We don't wanna see the dirty stuff..

- Just the stuff leading up to it.
- No. Rachel's gonna kill me as it is.

It's not fair to her.
Let's forget the tape.

Thank you.

- No.
- You're right.

- Joey, no.
- Loud and clear.

I don't get why
they'd give us a fake number.

If they knew what they were doing,
they didn't give you real names.

Maybe people give out fake numbers,
but not fake names.

Hi. Ken Adams. Nice to meet you.

Regina Phalange.

- We didn't do anything wrong.
- I know.

Although you did tell
an awful lot of jokes.

You said they were funny.
Joke, joke, joke!

Joke, joke..

- It was your questions.
- What about them?

The sheer volume.
It was like flying with the Riddler.

- Was that another joke?
- Was that another question?

Is Ross still here?

Watch out, honey.
Someone else is asking questions now.

No, but he told us what happened.
It was an honest mistake.

How would you like it if I had sex
with you and I taped it?

Oh, forget it.

There he is, the father of my child,
the porn king of the West Village.

It was an accident, okay?

I feel bad.
I swear, I didn't even watch it.

Anyway, here.

You might be more comfortable
destroying it yourself.

Thank you.

What?

- You don't want to see this, do you?
- Hell, yeah!

I am not gonna show you this.

Not the sex part.
Just the stuff leading up to it.

Forget it.

We'll think of another way to put the
"who came on to who" thing to rest.

Come on now, think!

It's Rachel's tape,
and she can do whatever she wants.

And she wants to destroy it,
so end of story.

- I want to see it.
- What?

You don't want us to see this.

You so badly don't want us to see it
that it makes me want to see it.

Are we watching the tape or not?

- It's for your sake.
- I don't believe you.

I think you don't want them
to see you begging me.

- Rachel, please?
- Oh, a little preview.

Fine. I want the record to show
that I tried to take the high road.

Because in about five minutes,
I'm gonna be saying..

Okay, here we go.

I'm so happy.

Thank God you're here. Help me.
Were you talking to yourself?

- There I am.
- You're gonna get pregnant.

I screwed up so bad.

I told Monica that I'd send
those wedding invitations weeks ago.

You didn't do it?

I put them in my desk at work,
and forgot about them until today.

Sweetie, it's okay. Everybody made it
to the wedding. I'm fine.

- Kind of hurting my hand though.
- I know.

I can't believe it, especially after
Monica went on and on about it.

"Here are the invitations, Rachel.
Be very careful, Rachel.

Please, drinking no liquids
around the invitations, Rachel."

Did you do it on our invitations?

Not on the ones we sent out.

So just the ones you gave back to us
and we had framed?

It seems like yesterday
they just got engaged.

I know.

Remember the night they got engaged?
How you and I almost..

Oh, I remember how we almost.

You think we would've
gone through with it?

You think we would have done it?

I know I wanted to.
I just wasn't sure if you did.

Oh, I wanted to.

So we both wanted to.

Interesting.

Anyway, it probably worked out
for the best.

Yeah, sure.

In about 10 seconds, he kisses me.

In about 5 seconds, you'll see why.

Did I ever tell you about the time
I backpacked through Western Europe?

Get ready to see some begging.

- Oh, you came on to Ross!
- What?

Now I'm so happy.

- What?
- You used the Europe story!

That's the magic story you use
when you want to have sex!

- How do you know about that story?
- How do you know about that story?

My friend Irene heard it
from some guy.

Some guy!

No, she told me that
his name was Ken Adams.

Ken Adams!

So, people are familiar
with the Europe story?

About that, the "who came on to who"
thing really doesn't matter.

It would have happened either way.

If you hadn't initiated it,
I know I would have.

- It was an amazing night.
- It was. It was amazing.

You think it looked amazing?

I don't know.
I honestly didn't watch it.

Yeah, me neither.

Yet.

- That may be weird.
- Yeah, it would be really weird.

- Good luck.
- Good luck to you.

- Mind if I mute?
- Oh, please.

- There go the clothes.
- You are undressing awfully quickly.

Six months, Rachel. Six months.

- We look pretty good.
- I was gonna say.

- Nice tan.
- Thank you.

I'd just gone to
the beach that weekend.

- Have you been working out?
- I have been working out.

This is so much better
than I ever..

Oh, that's not pretty.

- Make it stop. Make it stop.
- Oh, no!

Greg and Jenny's number
is totally different in here.

- I don't ask too many questions, do I?
- No.

- Really?
- Absolutely not.

- Really?
- Oh, God.

I bet that phone thing was some sort
of mix-up. I'm gonna call them.

Hello, Greg?
This is Monica from the plane.

Listen, the number that
you gave me, 8-5-3..

Jenny's been giving out
their old number!

Jenny! That is so Jenny!

How would you like to
get together next Saturday?

Okay, how about Sunday?

Okay, the week after that?

The week after that?

You know what? We are interesting,
funny people with good questions.

And if you and your precious Jenny
can't see that..

January 15?

We'll see you then!