Friends (1994–2004): Season 8, Episode 3 - The One Where Rachel Tells... - full transcript

Aren't you excited we're going
on our honeymoon?

Yeah, I am.

That's right, get it out of your system
while we're alone.

- Hey. We came to say goodbye.
- Yeah. Have a great honeymoon.

- Thanks.
- I better go pack.

No, I already packed. The only thing
I couldn't find, though, was your Speedo.

Speedo? I don't have a Speedo.

I'm gonna go pack my regular,
long bathing suit.

Good, you're still here! I wanted
to tell you to have a good honeymoon.

Thank you!

And I also wanted you guys to know
that I am telling the father today.



What? What?

- We know it's Ross.
- How? How do you know?

It was his sweater. But, oh, my God!

I so wanted Ross to know first.
But I am so relieved that you guys know!

That is so great. And I'm gonna be
your baby's aunt!

I know.

Me too!

And I'm gonna be an uncle! Come here.

- You're all gonna be aunts and uncles.
- Yeah, but I'm the only one related by blood.

So now that you all know, you can help me.
Give me some advice on how to tell Ross.

What were you gonna say?

I was gonna tell him that I'm gonna have
it, and he can be as involved as he wants.

Well, that sounds good.

Yeah, but, you know, how do I start?
I mean, what's the first thing that I say?



- Okay, great. Thanks.
- Hey, good luck.

Yeah, bye.

Hey, what was that all about?

Guess there's no harm in telling you now.
Rachel and Ross are going to have a baby.

What?! I didn't even know that..!
Why didn't you tell me?

Why am I talking like this?

- I didn't think you could keep it a secret.
- What?!

What?!

I am an excellent secret-keeper.
I have kept all our secrets.

- What secrets?
- No, no, Joey.

I'm not gonna tell you, because
I am an excellent secret-keeper.

- You'll tell me later?
- You already know.

It's so romantic to send people off
on their honeymoon.

You know, Monica and Chandler are
married. Ross and Rachel are having a baby.

- Maybe you and I should do something.
- All in good time, my love. All in good time.

Shoot! I left my guitar in their apartment.
Well, you can let me in later, right?

No, I don't have a key.
They took mine to give to you.

- What? They took mine to give to you.
- Why would they take away our keys?

Maybe they don't trust us.

They let me keep my key the last time
they were out of town.

The time you broke the ketchup bottle
and cleaned it with Monica's guest towels?

- Hey, I washed those.
- No, you didn't.

Yeah, that didn't sound like me.

- What will I do? I really need my guitar.
- I have stuff in there too.

- What stuff?
- Monica's chicken parm. I'll take care of it.

Hey, Mr. Treeger? It's Joey Tribbiani.

Listen, I need to get into Monica and
Chandler's apartment. It's an emergency!

Gas leak. Oh, and bring garlic bread.

- Hey, did Monica and Chandler take off yet?
- Yeah.

Damn. They left without my pass to the
Nassau Fossil and Natural History Museum.

There goes the honeymoon.

- Did Rachel find you?
- No, why?

She was looking for you.

Well, I guess I'll catch up
with her later.

- She really wanted to talk to you now.
- Yeah, it seemed pretty important.

Oh, no.

What?

I think I might know what this is about.

Really?

Yeah. We promised we weren't
gonna tell anybody this, but..

About a month ago,
Rachel and I slept together.

And?

Wow, I thought you'd be
a little more shocked.

Oh, sorry. And?!

Well, we said we'd just do it
that one time..

But now I think she may wanna
start things up again.

Yeah, I don't think that's what it is.

- Why? What else could it be?
- Oh, wow, I don't feel well.

I'm telling you, that's what it is.

No wonder she was looking at me
all funny during the wedding.

She didn't say anything to you?

- Maybe it's something you ate.
- Could be, yeah.

- Please, just go and talk to Rachel.
- Yeah, I guess I should.

Man, you know what I have to realize?

Maybe I'm not the type of guy
women can have just one night with.

You know, they always seem
to want a little bit more.

I should remember that.

Next.

- They're kissing. Let's just go around them.
- Leave them alone. They're in love.

I'm in love too. But
in an orderly fashion.

Next.

Hi. Can you do that and walk?
Because she said, "Next."

Sorry, we didn't hear you.
We're on our honeymoon.

Let me see what I can do. There
are some first-class seats available.

They bumped them up to first class
because they're on their honeymoon!

- Let's act like we're on our honeymoon.
- We are on our honeymoon.

Grab my ass.

- Next.
- Hi. Sorry, I almost didn't hear you.

You know, I'm just so in love with my
new husband. We're on our honeymoon.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

Okay, Mr. Bing, you'll be in 25J,
and Mrs. Bing, you're in 25K.

We're on our honeymoon, so can you do your
little thing and bump us to first class?

I'm sorry, all the first-class seats are
taken. That couple got the last two.

See? If we'd gone around them like I said,
she'd have given us those tickets! Damn it!

25J and K, any chance
those aren't together?

I still can't believe they took away my
key. I mean, you trust me with yours.

Of course I do!
And I'm gonna get it back to you..

Just as soon as they're done with it
at the key-shining place.

- What the hell is that?
- I don't know.

Treeger, what are you doing?

- You said there was a gas leak.
- Why not use your key?

By the time I found it on this thing,
the whole place might have exploded.

If that happens at another building
I manage, people will ask questions.

Come on, hurry up!

Well, we could have done that.

Look at that! They're going
into the first-class lounge.

- Do you know what they have in there?
- No.

Me neither. We have to get in!

- Just act like you belong.
- Oh, my God! Oranges!

- Nice to see you again.
- Sir, may I see your tickets, please?

Yes, of course.

Would you move your thumb?
I can't see the seat number.

That's all right.
I have it memorized. It's 1A.

- Sir, this isn't a first-class ticket. I'm sorry.
- Apology accepted. Excuse us.

Sir, I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave.

Fine.

Go, go!

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi.

I think there's something
that we really need to talk about.

I think we do. Why don't we go inside.

- Look, I know why you're here.
- You do?

Yeah, and to save you
from any embarrassment..

I think maybe I should talk first.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Ross and Rachel.

Rachel and Ross.

That's been one heck of a seesaw,
hasn't it?

What?

I mean, look, that one night we had
was fun and certainly passionate.

But don't you think it's better
if we just stay friends?

Seriously, what?

Okay. You know what?

If you want to,
we can do it one more time.

I mean, I'd be okay with that.
In fact, I have some time right now..

Okay.

You know what? Can I talk now?

- Oh, sure.
- Okay.

I'm pregnant.

Ross?

Ross?

Okay, whenever you're ready.

And you're the father, by the way.
But you got..

- Can I get you some water?
- I'm good.

Ross, there is no pressure on you, okay? I
mean, you can be as involved as you want.

Yeah, I..

I'm just, I don't know.
I don't understand..

How this happened.

- We used a condom.
- I know.

But you know, condoms only work,
like, 97 percent of the time.

What?

What?!

Well, they should put that on the box!

- They do.
- No, they don't!

Well, they should put it
in huge block letters!

- Ross, let's just forget about the condoms.
- Well, I may as well have!

Listen, you know what?
I was really freaked out too..

- When I found out.
- Freaked..? Hey, I'm not freaked out.

I'm indignant as a consumer!

- You know what? Let's talk later.
- No, I wanna talk now.

In fact, I wanna talk..

To the president
of the condom company.

Okay, you know what?
Maybe I should come back.. Okay.

Yeah, I'll press one!

- I looked everywhere. There's no gas leak.
- So then I can heat this up?

Anyway, I'll get moving
on that new door.

Great. Listen, could you do us a favor and
not tell Chandler and Monica about this?

Because, you know, they don't have
any kids of their own..

And this door was like a child to them.

Well, I'm gonna have to put on a
new lock. They'll find out anyway.

It's looking like an all-day job.
I'm gonna have to cancel my yoga class.

Hey, Ross. Could you tell Jasmine
I can't make it to yoga class today?

Sure.

- Oh, my God! What happened to the door?
- So it's noticeable, huh?

- Look, is Rachel here? I need to talk to her.
- Didn't you two already talk?

Yeah, but..

Okay. Look, you guys know
that Rachel and I slept together..

But there's something else.

Rachel's pregnant.

- Holy mother of God!
- Oh, my God, I can't believe that!

- With my child.
- That is brand-new information!

- You already know, don't you?
- Little bit.

- How you doing?
- Okay. I mean, I'll be okay.

It's just, I don't think
I handled it very well.

- What'd you say to her?
- Nothing.

But the complaint department
at the condom company got an earful.

- Then when I turned around, she was gone.
- Oh, Ross.

I know. But in my defense, I just found out
that condoms are only, like, 97% effective.

- What?
- I gotta go find her.

Hey. Hold on! Are you serious?

So, like, 3 percent of the time,
they don't even work?

They should put that on the box!

- Evidently, they do.
- What?!

Well, I'll be.

- I can't believe we're here.
- You've gotta be kidding.

What?

As a wedding gift to you, the hotel would
like to give you the honeymoon suite.

No! You have been screwing us all day!

- Who are you?
- We're you. Just 10 seconds later!

You already got the first-class tickets,
the lounge. We should get free stuff too!

You're not the only ones
on your honeymoon!

You can have the suite if you want.
We don't care about where we stay.

We're here to celebrate our love
for each other.

We don't have to get free stuff.
We just want to be together.

We need the stuff.

Monica, it's Joey. Phoebe and I smell gas
coming from your apartment.

- What? Are you serious? Joey smells gas.
- What else is new?

- We'd check it out, but you took our keys.
- Well, do something. Get in there!

- How? I guess I could break down your door.
- Yeah, do that.

- And you won't blame us for any damage?
- No.

- Are you doing it? I don't hear anything.
- Okay, I'll break it down.

Hi. He's doing it,
he's breaking down the door.

Okay, we're in.

- Okay, Rachel, are you comfortable?
- If I said I was, would you judge me?

The doctor'll be here in a minute
to do your sonogram.

Okay.

Oh, man, I swear, if they sold these
at Pottery Barn..

- Hi.
- Hi.

We need to talk.

Right now? Because I kind of got
an alfresco situation going on over here.

Please, I really.. I want to apologize
for the way I acted earlier today.

- That's fine. Can you stay up near my head?
- What? Oh, yeah, sorry.

I went crazy. I was thinking about myself
when I should've been thinking about you..

- Okay, head, Ross! Head, Ross!
- Right.

I want you to know that I'm gonna be there
through this whole thing. Okay?

The doctor's appointments, the Lamaze
classes, baby-proofing the apartment.

Although, we can worry about that
after we get married.

- Married?
- Well, yeah, I think we should get married.

Because that's your answer to everything?

No. Because that's the right thing to do.

Yeah, maybe, if you're in love.
But Ross, we are not in love, are we?

No. But still, I mean,
you can't possibly do this alone.

Excuse me?

- You can't even eat alone in a restaurant.
- What?

If you can't eat by yourself, how do you
expect to have a baby by yourself?

- I can too eat by myself!
- When have you ever?

When certain people leave the table
and I am not finished!

Well, certain other people take two hours
to eat a bowl of soup!

Oh, please. You inhale your food.

I grew up with Monica.
If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat!

Am I interrupting?

No, Dr. Long. Please come in.
This is Ross. He is the father.

But not the husband, because,
evidently, she can do this alone.

Nice to meet you. I'll get started on this.

- Why you can't admit you need me?
- I need you to stay near my head!

Okay. Everything looks good.
Here it is on the screen.

Here's your uterus..

And right here is your baby.

Oh, my God.

There it is. I see it.

Congratulations.
I'll give you two a minute.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Pretty amazing, huh?

I don't see it!

- What?
- I can't see it.

But you just said that you did.

I know. I lied. I didn't want her
to think I was a terrible mother.

I can't even see my own baby!

Oh, sure. Come here. Sure, you can.
Come here. Look, it's right there.

Oh, it's beautiful.

I see it now.

- Do you really?
- No, I don't see it!

Okay. Come on. All right. Okay.

You see this tiny thing
that looks like a peanut?

Yeah.

Sweetie, that's it.

That's it?

Well, I saw that.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Wow, I can't believe that's our baby.

Yeah, that's our baby.

Well, they put up the new door.

- So it's all locked up and secure?
- Yeah. Why?

I was trying to figure out how bad
I want one of Monica's turkey pot pies.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- So how was the doctor?
- Everything went great.

- Good.
- Hey, show them the picture of your uterus.

I don't see the baby. Where is it?

Oh, no, I know. I couldn't see it either
at first. But it's right..

Ross, I lost it again.