Friends (1994–2004): Season 8, Episode 23 - The One Where Rachel Has a Baby: Part 1 - full transcript

All right!

Yes! From home to the hospital
in under seven minutes! We did it.

Yes, the hard part is truly over.

No, but come on, we're off
to a great start, aren't we?

I knew I'd get here fast, but this
has gotta be some kind of a record!

- Oh, you made it!
- Hi.

- How the hell did you beat us here?
- We took a cab. Did you guys walk?

No, we took a cab too.
But I did test runs..

Hey, you made it!

Okay, is there some kind of magic
tunnel to this hospital?

Ross, you stay here and talk.
I'm gonna go have a baby.



Okay. Hi, this is Rachel Greene.
I'm Ross Geller. We called from the car.

Right. We have a semi-private
labor room waiting for you, so..

Oh, whoa! I'm sorry. Semi-private?
We asked for a private room.

Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately,
we can't guarantee a private room.

- And, currently, they're all unavailable.
- Man, if only you'd gotten here sooner.

I'm sorry. Semi-private rooms
are all we have.

Okay. Just give us a second. Ross?

Yeah?

- Give her some money.
- I really think they're out of rooms.

They're not, Ross. They're just
saving them for important people!

Okay? What if I was the president?

Well, then, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
You don't know where any countries are.

Okay.

Say, would you mind checking again?



See if any private rooms
may have opened up?

This is a hospital.

Okay, I see.
Could we please talk to the manager?

There is no manager.

Just nurses, doctors
and semi-private rooms.

Okay, you know what? I have to say,
I don't really care for your tone.

And this is not the only hospital in this
city, and we have no problem.. Oh, gosh!

- What? What?
- Contraction!

- Would you like to see a semi-private room?
- Yeah, it couldn't hurt to look.

Well, you're only two centimeters
dilated, and we need to get to 10.

- It'll be a while.
- Oh, okay.

- I'll be back in an hour to check you again.
- Thank you.

Oh, wait, Dr. Long.
Can I ask you something?

Is labor really as painful
as everybody says it is?

Oh, look at that.
My beeper's going crazy.

Hey, don't.. You know what?
You're gonna be fine.

- I guess we have some time to kill.
- Yeah, guess so.

Oh, check these out.

Never done this before.

Doesn't feel good.

Yeah, well, it looks great.

Thank you very much.
I think we're ready to..

Hi, I'm Ross. I'm here to ruin
this magical day for you.

Oh, no, not at all. It's okay.
Marc Horger. This is my wife, Julie.

- Hi, Julie. This is Rachel.
- Oh, hi, Rachel.

- Is this your first?
- Yeah, it is.

Well, little Jamie here is our third.

So if you have any questions, or
you need anything at all, just holler.

- That's so sweet.
- Yeah.

- Let me give you guys some privacy.
- Nonsense. We're all in this together.

We are gonna share every
moment of this with you.

- I think we're gonna have some fun.
- Yeah.

- Oh, okay, I guess.
- Hey, smile!

- I don't know if..
- I really don't want any..

Oh, thank you.

Oh, Ross!
Here comes another contraction.

Okay, just breathe.

- Oh, honey, I think I'm having one too!
- Oh, my God!

Hey, look at this.

- Here you go!
- Oh, no!

Oh, wow. Three hours and still no baby.

The miracle of birth
sure is a snooze-fest.

- Hey, you wanna see something?
- Sure. What?

This is gonna be fun.
Watch me freak out Chandler.

- Honey?
- Yeah?

Listen, I've been doing
some thinking..

And I don't know whether
it's because we're here..

Or Rachel's giving birth..

But I think we should
try to have a baby.

Okay.

What's that now?

Okay. I've been thinking about it too,
and I think we're ready.

Are you kidding? You think
we're ready to have a baby now?

This is fun.

You're ready to have a baby?
My boy's all grown up!

You said you were ready too.

Yeah, but I was just screwing with you to
try to get your voice all high and weird..

Like mine is now!

Yes, but haven't you
wanted a kid, like, forever?

Yeah, but no one ever wanted
to have one with me. I mean..

Now I'm just gonna have a baby if I
want to. Oh, what are you doing to me?

I'm sorry I brought it up.

Okay, then, back off, mister!

Because I am ready to have a baby.

I just want Joey to be the father.

- What? Are you crazy?
- That's it, right there! That's all I wanted!

I am sorry. The doctor insisted
on closing the curtain for the exam.

Oh, that's very..
Really, very, very okay.

Julie's cervix is dilated seven
centimeters. That's about four fingers!

- Doctor let me feel it myself.
- Have you felt Rachel's cervix, Ross?

- No, I don't.. We're not gonna do that.
- We won't be doing that.

Well, if you like, you could feel
Rachel's, then feel mine to compare.

- Am I interrupting?
- Yes! Thank you! Later.

- No, you can't leave me alone with them.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

No, Ross? Ross? Ross?
My child has no father!

I'm so glad you're here, but it's gonna
be a while. I wish you'd called first.

That's all right.
I'm coming back later with your father.

- I needed to talk to you before the birth.
- Okay. What's up?

Ross, I want to talk
to you as your mother..

Even though I know that you and I
are also very close friends.

I really don't know what
you're talking about, but okay.

I brought something
that I want to give you.

Assuming, of course, that you want it.

Ma, you're asking me to marry you?

This is your grandmother's engagement
ring, I want you to give it to Rachel.

- Mom, no. Come on. Thank you.
- Just hear me out..

No! Okay? We've been through this.

We're not gonna get married
just because she's pregnant. Okay?

Honestly, Ross, this isn't just some girl
you picked up in a bar and humped.

You think young people use
that word more than we actually do.

Ross, a child should have a family.

You know what? I can't deal
with this right now. I'm sorry.

Go.. Hey, go talk to Monica.

She got a new haircut.
You'll hate it.

Just think about it. If you don't,
I'll talk more about humping.

Give me.

- Hi, dear.
- Hi. Thank you so much for coming.

Ross, get in here!

You wanna see something funny?

Monica.

Okay. All right, stop it.
You're freaking me out.

Do it again. Do it again.

Hey, Rachel had the baby.

- What?
- Really?

No.

I don't know why
I thought that'd be funny.

You said hi to Mom
before she left, right?

I thought that was her.

Yeah, I called her name,
and she ducked into a stairwell.

Well, you know what?
Consider yourself lucky.

She pulled me out of the labor room
to ask me why I'm not with Rachel.

- Oh, my God.
- How annoying.

Yeah.

- Why aren't you with Rachel?
- You're kidding, right?

Look, we're not gonna be together
just because we're having this baby.

And I know she's not
just some girl I humped..

Oh, humped?

Come on, Ross.

But it just seems that
you two belong together.

Okay, stop it. I can't deal with this
right now. I have to go have a baby.

Right. And with who again?

He's crazy. Why doesn't
he wanna be with Rachel?

I know.

Seriously, she's like the perfect woman.
I mean, I know she turned me down..

But if she hadn't
and she wanted to be with me..

I would take her in my arms and..

I haven't bummed you guys out
like this in a while, have I?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Who's that?
- New people.

What happened to the Disgustingtons?

They're having their baby.
It's not fair, Ross. I got here first!

Right after you left,
they wheeled her off into delivery.

Oh, but not before she gave me a nice,
juicy shot of little Jamie crowning away.

Wow. Sorry.

So how are the new people?

Well, they have some unusual
pet names for each other.

Including "Evil Bitch"
and "Sick Bastard."

- Oh, gosh, a contraction.
- Yeah? Okay, okay. Just breathe.

- Are you looking at her?
- No!

- Don't you look at her, you sick bastard!
- Honey, I swear I wasn't looking at her!

She's in labor. You like that,
you sick son of a bitch?

I'm just gonna..

See? It's because you were looking,
you fat pervert.

No, no. I'm sure no one was looking.
Just want some privacy.

You miss your girlfriend?

Just ignore them.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

- Ross.
- What?

- He's looking at me.
- Hey!

You wanna live to see your baby?

Don't you talk to my husband like that,
you stupid bastard!

Oh, good God! If you want
a baby so bad, just go steal it!

Oh, don't worry.
These babies are far too ugly for us.

What is going on with you.
Since when are you so crazy about babies?

I'm not crazy about babies.
I'm crazy about us.

What?

We've always talked about having
babies someday, not now..

But I'm starting to think that we
can handle it. We're good.

We're really good.

We are pretty good.

But nothing has to happen
until you're ready.

Well, maybe I'm ready now.

I mean, it's a little scary,
but maybe it's right.

What? It's not right!
We're not ready to have a kid now!

- What?
- I'm kidding. This is gonna be fun.

So we're gonna try?
I mean, we're trying?

We're trying to get pregnant.

I'm not comfortable doing
this in front of the babies.

- So when do you want to start trying?
- All right, hold on a sec.

- Period math?
- Yeah.

Well, we could start trying now.

- Right here?
- No, not here.

Maybe here.

It's perfect. We got a lot of time to kill,
and we're in a building that's full of beds!

And it's so clean!

Come on, you stupid machine! Come on!

- It ate your money?
- No.

- I'll see you downstairs then.
- All right.

Hey, I got one! I got one!

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Oh, up or down?
- Oh. Down, please.

I hate to be a ball-buster,
but can I just do it?

- Could you press up too?
- Sure.

- I feel bad. I broke my leg once too.
- Yeah? How'd yours happen?

Well, it's a long story,
it's kind of embarrassing.

Let's just say there was a
typographical error with a sex manual.

- How about you?
- Car accident.

Some idiot on a cell phone
wasn't paying attention?

Yeah. Me.

- Sorry.
- Oh, no. No, don't be.

Nobody else got hurt.
And I was pretty lucky.

Well, I, for one, am glad you made it.

Are you sure?
I mean, you don't know me.

I could have been sent
from another planet to destroy Earth.

Couldn't press the "down" button.
I think Earth's okay.

Oh, hey, that's me.

Hey, I take it you're
just visiting someone.

Well, if you have some time
and you wanna visit someone else..

Yeah, I would like that.

- Great. I'm in room..
- Wait! What? No! Elevator! No!

You gotta press the button.

The nurse said
they're bringing in another woman.

Oh. Is she pregnant yet?

She doesn't need to be.
She'll still have the baby before I do.

- Oh, Ross! Another contraction.
- Oh, okay. Here, here.

That's it.

- Oh, that sounded like a bad one.
- Yeah, it was.

Mine haven't been so bad.
Oh, here comes one now.

Oh, that was a big one.

That was, like, the biggest one yet.
Are you okay, honey?

I'm okay, honey.

Well, I got some bad news.
It gets worse.

And when you get to the end,
they get really big..

And they come, like, every minute.

Well, mine are pretty close together.
I think..

- Excuse me.
- Yeah, that's quite all right.

Oh, by the way, my name's Johanna.
What's yours?

Excuse me, could you help me
with something?

I'm looking for a man.

Well, who isn't?

You. You aren't.

Good for you.

Anyway, the patient
I'm looking for has a broken leg.

He's in a wheelchair. He's early
to mid-30s, very attractive.

Even you would think so.

- I know who you're talking about.
- Great! What room number is he in?

I'm sorry.
Patient information is confidential.

No, I'm not gonna bother him.
We were talking earlier..

Ma'am, I'm sorry. That information
is restricted to hospital staff.

- She's with me. Dr. Drake Ramoray.
- Dr. Drake who?

Ramoray. It's Portuguese.
We need that information. I'm a doctor.

- A doctor at this hospital?
- Damn it, we're losing precious time.

You want this man's blood
on your head..?

- Hands.
- Hands!

It is absolutely essential that you tell me
what room he is staying in.

He's a patient of mine.
I've treated him for years.

- He's in room 816.
- 816. Thank you.

- And what is his name?
- No.

- I think we found a place.
- Okay.

Wait. Wanna set the mood a little?

Hello, Monica.

- Not like that.
- Oh, okay.

- We'll dim the lights.
- Okay.

Or turn them out altogether.

No scented candles.
Okay, here. There we go.

Okay, okay.
Making me sterile, but okay.

Okay. I'm sorry. Oh, wait.
Do we have a condom?

Oh, right!

Yes, 98.6. You're gonna be fine.

This is it!

- That's him!
- Great. Go get him!

Wait a second.
Or maybe you could go in first.

He's not really my type.

Not you. Dr. Ramoray. Ask him
questions and see what he's like.

- People tell doctors everything.
- You said he was this great guy.

All the guys I meet seem nice at first,
then turn out to be big jerks.

- You do attract some stinkers.
- Yeah, I know.

Dr. Long, I've been at this
for 17 hours.

Three women have come
and gone with their babies.

You gotta give me good news. How many
centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?

- Three.
- Just three?

I'm dilated three!

We are moving along just slowly.
Don't worry, you're doing great.

- I'll be back soon.
- Thank you.

You know what? I'm not waiting.
I'm gonna push this baby out.

I'm doing it. Three centimeters.
That's gotta be like this, right?

- Actually, it's more like this.
- Oh, stupid metric system.

We're gonna need to take you straight
to the delivery room.

Oh, for the love of God!

It's coming! It's coming!

And here it is!

Oh, come on!

I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray. I have a few
routine questions I need to ask you.

Really? I've been dealing with Dr. Wells.

I know. I'm a neurologist.
Just to be on the safe side..

Dr. Wells wanted a more
comprehensive overview. So he sent me.

Dr. Wells is a woman!

That was a test. Good response.

- All right. Full name?
- Clifford Burnett.

- Date of birth?
- November 16, 1968.

Age?

- Can't you figure that out?
- I'm a doctor, not a mathematician.

- I'm 33.
- Okay.

- And are you married?
- No.

Oh, really? So 33 and single? Would
you say you have commitment issues?

Are all the questions this personal?

Yes.

Well, if you must know, I'm a widower.

- Oh, that's terrible. I'm really sorry.
- Yeah.

I lost my wife five years ago
to a mild cardial infarction.

- A heart attack, doctor.
- Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, mild car..

Are you experiencing any dizziness?

No.

- Has the pain been getting worse?
- No.

Do you sleep with women
and never call them again?

- No.
- Excellent. Excellent.

And finally, are you into any weird
stuff, you know, sexually?

- No!
- Wrong answer.

- This room's available.
- Okay! Wait, you listen to me!

Since I have been waiting,
four women..

That's four, one higher than
the number of centimeters I'm dilated..

Have come and gone with their babies.
I'm next. It's my turn. It's only fair.

If you bring in one more woman who has
her baby before me, I will sue you.

Not this hospital. I'm gonna sue you.
My husband is a lawyer.

- Rach?
- You get back on that case, honey!

I don't think the next
patient is very far along.

Okay. Well, then bring her in.

Oh, my God!

I can't believe this!

And yet, somehow, it's true.

I mean, this is so great.
We're gonna be baby buddies!

Squeeze your legs together
and cover the baby's ears.

- Hi, sweetie!
- Hi, sweetheart.

This is my husband, Sid. I don't think
you've met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid.

I nabbed him a year ago
at the dermatologist's office.

Thank God for adult acne!

I still can't believe it.
I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

Really?

What'd he say?

You have to speak very loudly,
he's almost completely deaf.

- Oh, there you go.
- Of course he is.

Congratulations, you two.
I didn't even know you got married.

- Oh, we didn't.
- What?

We're just having this baby together,
but that's all, you know.

Why?

We're just not in that place, you know?
But we're very excited about this.

Oh. Well, then shut me up.

Just tell me how.

Oh, I feel another one coming.

Sid, you lucky, deaf bastard.

- What else? What else?
- He's 33.

A widower.

He seemed like a standup guy.
And he's not into anything weird sexually.

Enter Phoebe!

Should we tell Rachel there's an empty
private room right next door to hers?

We could. Or we could have sex in it.

Well, let me think about that
while I remove my pants!

Okay, mister! Fertilize me!

Does that sound like Janice?

If it's not, then there's two of them.

And that would mean
it's the end of the world!

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hi.

I can't believe this is taking so long.
How you doing?

Not bad. You know that feeling, trying
to blow a Saint Bernard out your ass?

And soon someone will call her "Mom."

Weirdest thing. Did I hear..?

Mother of God, it's true!

Chandler Bing!

Janice.

Not just Janice. Janice in labor.
Contracting and everything.

Oh, this should be easy.
I have a very wide pelvis.

You remember, Chandler.

I feel so bad for you.

She's your ex. And I have Richard.

Janice, I didn't even know
you were pregnant.

Who's the unwitting human
whose essence you've stolen?

It's you.

This is yours.

What?

Look how nervous he gets!
We haven't slept together in years!

That's funny. Does it hurt?
Does the labor hurt?

Okay, I've got one for you.
If you had to, which would you eat?

A Seeing Eye dog or a talking gorilla?

I'd have to say the talking gorilla.

Because at least I could explain to him
that you're making me eat him.

- Oh. Somebody went to college.
- Yeah.

Wow. What is it? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. My foot itches like crazy.

Oh. I'll get it.

I usually get to know a girl better
before I let her spoon me.

Relax. It's not like we're forking.

When. When.

Thank you. Listen.

You seem to really know
what to do with a utensil.

Would you like to go to dinner sometime?

- Yeah, I'd really like that.
- Yeah?

Yeah. And I promise I won't make
you eat any remarkable animals.

I was thinking..

I'd kind of like to make a move.

But, you know, with the leg.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe a little help.

Okay.

Let me fix your pillow.

Cliff, you're so forward.

Oh, it was really nice meeting you.

Sid!

That's the first time I heard her voice.

I didn't care for it.

Oh, that's five, Ross.
Five women have had five babies..

And I have had no babies.

Why doesn't she want to come out?

You know what I think it is?
I think you made such a nice home for her..

Over the last nine months
that she just doesn't want to leave.

Oh, look at you making up crap for me.

- Oh, God.
- Okay. Okay.

Twenty-one hours. You're a hero.

Doctor, you gotta do something!
Get me drugs..

Or light a fire up in there
and just smoke it out!

Actually, I think you're ready to go
to the delivery room.

What?

Ten centimeters.
You're about to become a mom.

Oh, my God. Okay.

Beat you, sucker! Oh, baby.

Is this the same spoon
that was in my cast?

You know what?

This one is.

Oh, my God! That's the doctor
who was in my room before.

Well, it must be one of those
closed-circuit hospital channels.

No, no. That's a soap opera.

This is a very dramatic hospital.

I'm telling you,
the guy from that show was here..

Asking me all these weird questions.

Okay, Mr. Percocet.

I swear to you, that's the guy.

Okay, Cliff.

Do you really believe that a character
from a TV show was here in your room?

What probably happened was you were
watching this, you drifted off to sleep..

And you dreamt he was here.

Rachel's having her baby!

Which is of no interest
to me as a neurologist. I..

That's him! You know him?

Wake up, Cliff!

What is going on?

Okay. Okay. I.. Okay.

I sent my friend, Joey,
in here to find out stuff about you.

If it.. You know, if it helps,
you came off great.

A lot better than I'm coming off
right now.

I don't believe this. You got him
to pretend he was a fake doctor?

Fake? Excuse me? Hello?

- You tried making me think I was crazy?
- That was wrong. I'm so sorry.

It's just that I liked you so much.
Can we just start over?

I don't think so.

If I may? You told me a lot
of personal stuff about you, right?

Now, maybe it would help if you knew
some personal stuff about her.

She was married to a gay ice dancer.

She gave birth to her
brother's triplets.

Her twin sister used to do porn.

- We're trying to dial down the crazy.
- Right.

We don't really know each other,
so it'd be easy to forget about this..

But there's something between us.
I don't know about you..

But that doesn't happen to me a lot.

- It doesn't happen to me either.
- Me neither!

- The baby! Rachel!
- Right, right!

Oh, I love this scene.

Okay, look. I gotta go too.

But.. What do you say?
Can we just have that dinner?

The triplets.

You and your brother didn't..?

No! No, they implanted embryos.

- Then dinner sounds great.
- Great! Okay.

All right, then I'll see you later.

Our friend's having a baby.

- Her own?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

No, she's really old-fashioned.

Push. Push. We're gonna push
for five more seconds.

Five, four..

Three, two, one! Oh!

The next contraction should be
in about 20 seconds.

- I can't push anymore!
- You're doing great.

Oh, God! Twenty seconds, my ass!

Here we go. Okay, keep pushing.

- Come on.
- Push. Wait.

- I see something.
- What, you do? You do? Oh, my God!

- Don't say "Oh, my God!" What?!
- What is that?

The baby's buttocks. She's breech.

- I thought she had two heads.
- Oh, God!

Is she gonna be okay?

- She's gonna be fine.
- Okay.

She's in a more difficult position,
so you have to push harder now.

- Okay.
- That's it. Push. Push.

You're gonna have to push even harder.

- I'm sorry, I can't! I can't!
- Yes, you can. I know you can do this.

I had no idea.
Please, you do it for me!

Let's go. One more time.
One final push. Ready? One, two, three.

Good.

Keep pushing!

Are you okay?

You have no idea how much this hurts.

Keep going! Keep going!

Here we go!

She's upside down, but she's coming!

- Oh, God!
- Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, she's here.

Oh, she's perfect.

Oh, wow! Oh, she's so tiny.

- Where'd she go?
- They're just wrapping her up.

Okay. Well, be careful with her,
she's really tiny.

Here she is.

Oh, thanks for coming out of me.

I know. Oh.

She's looking at me. Hi. I know you.

- Do we have a name yet?
- No, not yet.

That's fine. For now we'll just
call her Baby Girl Greene.

Oh, no. Baby Girl Geller-Greene.

Hello, Baby Girl.

- Can we come in?
- Oh, come on in.

- Oh, there she is.
- Oh, she's so beautiful.

Here.

Oh, my God. She's amazing.

Oh, I'm so glad you guys got drunk
and had sex.

It's incredible. I mean,
one minute she's inside you..

And then 47 hours later,
here she is.

She looks so real.

You know what I mean.

She's this whole tiny little person.

And she already has eyelashes
and knees and..

- What?
- Oh, no, no. It's okay.

For a second, I counted six fingers, but one
was from the other hand. So we're good.

- Okay, my turn. My turn.
- Aunt Phoebe.

Oh, baby. Oh, you're so cute!

Oh, I could squeeze your little head.

I won't.

- Honey, what's the matter?
- Nothing. I just can't stop crying.

The doctor said it's normal, with all
the hormones, plus you're sleep-deprived.

So. You guys are all sleep-deprived.

I don't see you weeping because you
put your slippers on the wrong feet.

Oh, God.

- What's the matter now?
- I was reliving it.

Do you know what you're gonna
call her yet?

Wait, it's not gonna be Baby Girl?
I thought that was so original.

Actually, we've narrowed it
down to two names.

And you know what? I love them both.
So just pick one, and that'll be it.

Wow, okay. Everyone..

This is Isabella.

- Hi, Isabella!
- Hi.

What?

That's not her name.

I'm sorry, she just doesn't feel
like an Isabella.

So then I guess Ferdinand is out.

- What was the other one?
- Delilah.

Oh, great! Suddenly she
sounds like a biblical whore.

So I guess we're back to Baby Girl.

What are we gonna do?

- It's okay. You'll find a name.
- Easy for you to say.

You already know what your
kids' names will be.

- You do?
- I had them picked out since I was 14.

Oh, no, it's gonna be named after
some snack or baked good, isn't it?

- Well, tell us, what are they?
- Okay. If it's a boy, it's Daniel.

- And if it's a girl?
- I don't wanna say.

Oh, stop. Tell us.
We're not gonna want it.

Okay. It's Emma.

Emma.

See, I don't want it.

Do you have any other totally perfect
names that you're not gonna use?

- Take it.
- What?

She's clearly an Emma.

Oh, honey, but you love that name.

Yeah, but I love you more.

Besides, nothing goes with Bing.
So I'm screwed.

Hi, Emma.

Yep, that's you.

You're our little Em.

What's that, honey?

What?

Oh, you want a little cousin?

You want a cousin right now?

Do I look like a giant
sperm to all of you, or..?

- That was amazing.
- I know.

Hey, do you realize that we may have
just changed our lives forever?

We may have started our family.
In nine months we could be here..

Having our own baby.

And if not, we got to do it
on a bucket.

I love you so much.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

You wanna do it again?

This time just for us?

Probably.

Aaron Lipman-Guralnick would like
to say hello to his future bride.

Wow, he kind of takes your breath away,
doesn't he?

He's a keeper.

Look at the little munchkin.

Don't you worry. By the time
you're old enough to date him..

He's gonna have a different nose.

- How you feeling?
- Oh, I'm fine.

I really admire what you're doing.
Just raising her all alone.

I'm not doing it alone. I have Ross.

Sure. Now. But what happens when he
meets somebody else and gets married?

Well, then he gets a divorce.
It's Ross.

I'm telling you, Rachel, listen to Janice.

They all say they're gonna be there,
until they start their real family.

- That's never gonna happen with Ross.
- That's what I thought.

I'm lucky if my kid gets to spend
a weekend with her father..

And little Miss New Boobs.

Really?

I hate to be the one to say it..

But, honey, you two are on your own.

Well, that's.. You know, that's..

We've been alone for the last
20 minutes and we're doing okay.

Maybe we won't be alone.

Because lately things have been
happening between me and Ross.

And right before I went into labor,
we had this kiss. You know?

So it might be the beginning
of something.

- Hey, Janice.
- Oh, hi.

Who's this little guy?

- Aaron, your future son-in-law.
- Oh, no, no.

No.

- I'm gonna leave you three alone.
- Okay.

Man, you see the kid on that nose?

You know what I was thinking about?

That kiss before we left the apartment.
That was something, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, it really was.

But we.. We gotta be careful.

We.. You know, we can't let
that happen again, you know?

Right.

- We don't want to go down that road.
- No. That's why I brought it up.

- They didn't have any sodas?
- Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

I was talking to this nurse.
Completely forgot.

And so it begins.

She in there?

Yeah. She's putting her down now.
That's her.

Isn't it amazing how
every baby is beautiful?

Except that one.

What is this? A petting zoo?

Look. Look at Emma.

I can't decide who she looks like,
you or Rachel.

Oh, what, are you kidding?
She's gorgeous! It's all Rachel.

I'm sorry. For the last time,
why aren't you two together again?

No, I know.
Because you're not in that place.

Which would be fine,
except you totally are.

It's complicated, okay?

Yeah, that's true.

You love her, you always have,
you have a child together.

There's no right answer.

Look, we've been together.
Then apart. Then together, then apart.

And now we have a baby.

It's just, if we got together again
and it didn't work out..

I could never do that to Emma.

I mean, she came into this world
thinking everything.. Now me.

What, do they put something
in the water here?

It's just, Rachel and I,
we're doing really well now.

I know. If you try to make it more,
you might wreck it.

- Yeah, exactly.
- Right.

Or you might get everything
you've wanted since you were 15.

Hey.

I saw a woman breast-feeding
twins at the same time.

It is like a freak show up here.

- What's the matter?
- Nothing.

What is it? Hey.

- Really, it's nothing. I'm..
- Rach, come on. What?

I've just been thinking about how
my baby and I are gonna be all alone.

What are you talking about?
What about Ross?

Please. He'll be with his real family.
The twins and little Miss New Boobs.

Okay, how long
was I watching that woman?

I'm just saying that, you know..

Someday Ross is gonna
meet somebody..

And he's gonna have his own life.

Right?

Yeah, I guess so.

I just never thought I'd be raising
this baby all by myself.

That's pretty dumb, huh?

Hey, you listen to me. Listen to me.

You are never, ever gonna be alone.

Okay? I promise
I won't let that happen.

Joey. Oh, sweetie,
what would I do without you?

You don't have to worry about that,
okay?

Could you grab me my other box
of tissues?

- They're under Ross' coat.
- Sure.

Oh, my God!

Joey?

Oh, my God.

Okay.