Friends (1994–2004): Season 8, Episode 18 - The One in Massapequa - full transcript

Is it okay if I bring someone
to your parents' anniversary?

- Sure.
- Yeah.

- Who's the guy?
- Parker, we met at the cleaners.

Did he put a little starch
in your bloomers?

Who said that?

No, he's really great, though.
He has this incredible zest for life.

He treats me like a queen. Except
when he treats me like a naughty girl.

Would it be okay if I give the toast?

Even after what happened
at their 20th?

- I'd really like to.
- Hopefully this time Mom won't boo you.

Yes! Every year Ross makes the toast,
and it always makes them cry.



- This year, I'm gonna make them cry.
- You wonder why Ross is their favorite?

Any time Ross makes a toast, everyone
cries and pats him on the back.

And they all come up to me and say,
"God, your brother."

You know what they're gonna say
this year? "God, you."

Well, at least one
person will be crying.

I'm an actor, and any actor
worth his salt can cry on cue.

- Really? You can do that?
- Oh, you kidding me? Watch.

Well, I can't do it
with you guys watching me!

Hey.

Oh, my God.
You look so fantastic.

On my way over,
I pictured you in my mind's eye.

Now I'm like,
"Mind's eye, you had no idea!"

- Let's do that again!
- Okay.

- What are you doing?
- I'm working on my toast.



Or as I like to call it:
"Sob-fest 2002."

I cannot wait to see them cry.

It's not gonna be like regular crying. It's
gonna be like Terms of Endearment crying.

I'm gonna reduce my parents
to sniffling, quaking masses of..

I may have some unresolved anger
from my childhood.

- Hey, check this out.
- It's a dog.

It's a dead dog.

Chi-Chi. She died
when I was in high school.

- You're talking about a dead pet?
- It's good stuff, huh?

Joey? You got a present
for my parents?

In honor of their 35th anniversary,
I had a star named after them.

- That is so cool.
- And I got Kama Sutra for the Elderly.

You know, I think maybe
the one present is enough.

- Do you guys have any extra ribbon?
- Sure.

What do you need? We got lace,
satin, sateen, raffia, gingham, felt..

And I think my testicles
may be in here too.

Chi-Chi! Oh, I loved this dog.

Monica couldn't get braces
because Chi-Chi needed knee surgery.

- What?
- You're the 200-pounder who rode her!

Hey! Everybody, this is Parker.
Parker, this is..

No, don't tell me. Let me guess:
Joey, Monica, Ross, Rachel..

And I'm sorry,
Phoebe didn't mention you.

Chandler, I'm kidding!
Already you're my favorite.

- Tell me a little about yourselves.
- Actually, we should get going.

Classic Ross!

Rachel, look how you glow! May I?

I think you already are.

Rachel, you have life
growing inside you.

Is there anything more miraculous..
A picture of a dog! Whose is this?

That's my old dog.
He passed away years ago.

Well, at least you were lucky to have
him. Bow-wow, old friend. Bow-wow.

You guys, we really should get going.

There I go again, my catch phrase.

- So where's the party?
- It's in Massapequa.

Massapequa, it sounds magical. Is it
steeped in Native American history?

Well, there is an Arby's
in the shape of a tepee.

I've got my notes.
You got the presents?

- I've got the car keys.
- We're driving? Aces.

- So he seems like a nice guy.
- Yeah, I like him a lot.

- You want to hang back and take a cab?
- Okay, otherwise I'm not going.

- Hey, Mom.
- This is such a great party!

Thirty-five years. Impressive.
Do you have any pearls of wisdom?

- Jack?
- Why serve food on such a sharp stick?

It's a good question, Dad.
It's a good question.

- Congratulations, you two.
- Thank you, we're so excited.

And also, congratulations
on your wedding.

- Can we talk to you for just a moment?
- Yeah.

It's just a little thing.

While we think it's marvelous you're
having this baby out of wedlock..

Our friends are less open-minded.

- We told them you're married.
- What?

Thanks for going along with this.

- We have to pretend that we're married?
- I had to shave my ears.

You can do this.

- Can you believe that?
- I know.

If you do the ears, you may as well
take a pass at the nose.

I don't want to have to lie
about being married.

I don't either. But it's their party,
and it's one night.

We don't have to lie.
We won't talk.

If it comes up,
we'll smile, we'll nod along..

- Ross?
- Rachel?

Hi, Aunt Lisa. Uncle Dan.

Congratulations on the baby
and on the wedding.

- Here's something to start you out.
- How's marriage treating you?

- Unbelievable. It's great!
- We love marriage.

We'll see you later.

- Hey!
- Hi!

Can I just say, Monica,
that your driving is exquisite.

Thanks. Like I said before,
I pretty much just stayed in the lines..

And tried not to hit anybody.

What a beautiful place.
What a great night.

I have to tell you, being here
with all of you in Event Room C..

I feel so lucky. Think of the good
times that happened here.

The birthdays, the proms,
the mitzvahs, both bar and bat!

None will compare with tonight.
I don't want to forget it.

It's like I want to take a mental
picture of you all. Click.

I don't think the flash went off.

- I'm gonna find the men's room.
- I'll go with you.

Somewhere there is someone
with a tranquilizer gun..

And a huge butterfly net looking
for that man.

I have to go too, but I don't
want him complimenting my thing.

Glad we weren't in the car.
Did he let up?

He called the Long Island
Expressway a "concrete miracle."

This room. This night.

That waiter! His shoes!
I must take a mental picture!

Sorry.

Were you guys making fun of Parker?

That depends, how much did you hear?

He's a little enthusiastic.
What's wrong with that?

- It's so much.
- Well, so what? I like him.

Do I make fun of the people you date?
Tag, Janice, Mona.

No, because friends don't do that.
Do you want my opinion?

Your collective dating record reads
like a who's who of human crap!

- I feel terrible.
- I know.

What was wrong with Mona?

- Open it, open it, open it.
- Yeah, baby!

So we never got to hear
about your wedding.

- We were surprised we weren't invited.
- No, it was a small wedding.

But it was beautiful.
It was small, but kind of spectacular.

- Where did you have it?
- On a cliff in Barbados, at sunset.

And Stevie Wonder sang " Isn't She
Lovely" as I walked down the aisle.

- Stevie's a family friend.
- Oh, my God. That's amazing.

- I'd love to see pictures.
- Yeah, so would I.

You wouldn't think Annie Liebowitz
would forget to put film in the camera.

Would you excuse us for a second?

- What are you doing?
- What? This may be my only wedding.

- And I want it to be amazing.
- Okay.

- Maybe I rode in on a Harley.
- Ross, it has to be realistic.

Say, are you okay?
You seem kind of quiet.

- No, I'm fine. I'm great. I'm with you.
- And I'm with you. What a great time!

Look at this plate bouncy thing.

What an inspired solution to man's
plate-dispensing problems.

Oysters! Let me feed you.
That's not necessary.

- Please?
- I don't eat..

- I won't quit until you try one.
- Okay, fine.

- Good.
- What're they like? I've never had one.

- Try one.
- They look too weird.

I know, I know.

Listen, your family is really
starting to warm up to me.

You just kissed the caterer.

- What are you doing?
- Going over my toast.

I can't wait. They'll cry so hard,
they'll be fighting for breath.

If you want to, I could just
hold them down and you could just..

And my veil was lace,
made by blind Belgian nuns.

- Blind?
- Not at first, but it's intricate work.

They said even though they lost
their sight, it was worth it.

- I bet you looked beautiful.
- Well, I don't know.

But there were some people that said
I looked like a floating angel.

- How did you propose?
- Oh, yeah, that's a great story.

Well, actually, I took her
to the planetarium.

That's where we had our first date.

I had the room filled with lilies,
her favorite flower.

- That is so sweet!
- I want to hear the rest!

Then Fred Astaire singing,
"The Way You Look Tonight" came on..

The lights came down,
I got on one knee..

And written across the dome,
in the stars, were the words:

"Will you marry me?"

And the ring was the size of my fist.

Hey, Phoebe? Look..

I want to apologize. Okay?
We were being jerks.

- Parker's nice, I'd like to know him.
- You better do it now.

- Why?
- Because I'm gonna kill him.

- What?
- He's too excited about everything.

I'm all for living, but this is
the Gellers' 35th anniversary.

Let's call a spade a spade.
This party stinks.

I'm having the worst time.

There was a line for the buffet,
and when I got to the plates..

I slipped on a giant booger.

Are you sure it wasn't an oyster?

It could've been.
I didn't look at it.

I wiped it on Chandler's coat
and got the hell out.

I thought he was a great guy.
I was so excited about him.

Well, hey, you should
be excited about him.

There's nothing wrong with him.

- You think?
- Yeah, know what?

- We were all just being too negative.
- You're right.

He's just embracing life. We could
all stand to be more like Parker.

You know what? I'm like him!
I'm a positive person!

- Actually, you have an edge.
- What's that?

- Oh, it's Parker!
- Look, the Bunny Hop!

- Oh, I love it!
- You do?

Are you kidding? People acting
like animals to music? Come on!

Okay, it's time for the toast.

I know normally Ross gives the toast,
but this year I'll do it.

No, it's gonna be great. Really.

Okay.

Mom, Dad, when I got married..

The thing that made me sure I could
do it was the example you two set.

For that, and other things,
I want to thank you.

I know I probably don't
say it enough..

But I love you.

When I look around, I'm saddened by the
thought of those who could not be here.

Nana, my beloved grandmother,
who would so want to be here.

But she can't..

Because she's dead.

As is our dog, Chi-Chi.

I mean, look how cute she is.. was.

Do me a favor,
pass this to my parents.

Remember she's dead, okay?
Her and Nana, gone.

Wow!

Does anybody remember when..

Debra Winger had to say goodbye to
her children in Terms of Endearment?

Didn't see that?

No movie fans?!

You want to hear something sad?

I was watching a 60 Minutes
piece on orphans in Romania..

Who have been so neglected
that they were incapable of love.

You people are made of stone!

Here's to Mom and Dad. Whatever!

Thank you, Monica.
That was interesting.

- Wasn't it interesting, Jack?
- Why don't I remember this dog?

Ross? Why don't you give us
your toast now?

Oh, no, Mom.
It's just Monica this year.

You're not saying anything?
On our 35th wedding anniversary?

No, of course.

Everybody? I just wanted to say..

On behalf of my new bride, Rachel..

And myself, that if..

If in 35 years, we're half
as happy as you guys are..

We'll count ourselves
the luckiest people in the world.

Oh, Ross.

I just wish Nana were alive
to hear Ross' toast.

My God, what a fantastically
well-lit hallway.

Can I get you something to drink,
like a water and Valium?

I must say, this apartment,
it's.. there are no words.

- Thank God.
- It's a haven.

- A third-floor paradise, a modern Eden.
- Yeah, I know, I know. Gotcha.

Listen, why don't we just sit and
relax, just be with each other quietly.

That sounds great.

This is the most comfortable couch
I've ever sat on.

Let's try something.
Let's play a game.

- I love games.
- Shocking.

Let's play the game of..

Who can stay quiet the longest.

Or Jenga.

Let's play this one first, and
remember, whoever talks first loses.

- I lose, now Jenga.
- Oh, my God.

- Is something wrong?
- You know the word "wrong"?

Everything isn't perfect or magical?

Everything isn't aglow
with the light of fairies?

They were just brake lights, Parker!

Excuse me for putting a good spin
on a traffic jam.

You don't have to put
a good spin on everything!

- I'm sorry. I'm a positive person.
- No, I'm a positive person.

You are like Santa Claus on Prozac.

At Disneyland, getting laid!

You want me to be negative?
You want me to be less happy?

Much less happy.

Fine. Well, then to quote Ross,
"I better be going."

So long!

Don't let the "best door in the world"
hit you in the ass on your way out.

Isn't this the most incredible fight
you've had in your life?

We could've gone from the ceremony to
the reception with you in the sidecar.

It just isn't feasible.

But a dove placing the ring on your
finger would've been no problem.

- It was fun being married to you.
- Yeah, and it was an easy 400 bucks.

- Okay, Ross, can I ask you something?
- Yeah.

- That proposal at the planetarium?
- I know, I know. It was stupid.

Are you kidding? With the lilies,
and the song and the stars?

It was really wonderful.
Did you just make that up?

I thought of it
when we were going out.

That's how I imagined
I would ask you to marry me.

Wow.

Well, that would've been
very hard to say no to.

It's a good thing I didn't do it, it
sounds like a very expensive wedding.

- Okay, good night.
- Good night.

Even if the sidecar had a windscreen
to protect your hair?

- I will think about it.
- That's all I'm asking.

Okay, that's it. I give up.

At Mom and Dad's 40th anniversary,
you give the speech.

You know, I don't understand
why they didn't cry.

- Come on.
- That stuff you said about true love?

You were right. We did learn
a lot from Mom and Dad.

That picture of Chi-Chi
with her mischievous grin.

And what you said about Nana? Yeah,
she really would've wanted to be there.

And you know what?

I think she was.

Oh, good God, Ross,
how the hell do you do it?