Friends (1994–2004): Season 8, Episode 17 - The One with the Tea Leaves - full transcript

Chandler and Monica are happy together - their worst problem is his habit to put CDs in the wrong box and their different taste in music. Rachel is desperate to get back at good terms with ...

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Joey? Are you in there?

- That's Rachel.
- You have to talk to her.

I can't. Not after the other night.
It's too weird.

Don't tell her I'm here.

Don't eat that!

- Hey!
- Hey, Rachel.

Is Joey here?

- I don't see him. You?
- No.

Maybe he's in the sugar bowl.
Joey? Nope.

Well, at least you make
each other laugh.

- What's up?
- I haven't seen him since he said..



How he, you know..

I don't know,
I think he's avoiding me.

Why is that bagel on the floor?

- We were playing a game.
- Was Chandler naked?

Sort of like a ring-toss
kind of situation?

- Sure!
- What? No! No!

All right, listen. If you see Joey,
will you just tell him that..?

Tell him I miss him.

- Okay. Did you hear that?
- Yeah. That naked bagel game?

Dude, I don't know. That's a pretty
small hole.

- You've gotta talk to her.
- I can't.

You guys don't know what it's like
to get shot down.

I don't know what that's like?

Until I was 25, I thought the response
to "I love you" was "Oh, crap."



No rejection?

I got shot down at fat camp.

Boy, kids are mean
when they're hungry.

So, what do I do?

It's Rachel.
You're gonna never talk to her again?

It's weird and it's awkward,
but you gotta at least try.

Yeah, okay.

I forgot this was on your..

We didn't play it!

I'll look at your tea leaves
and tell your fortune.

- You read tea leaves?
- I've done it for years.

I actually stopped
because I was so accurate.

And one of the great joys
of life..

Is its wondrous unpredictability,
you know?

And also,
tea tends to give me the trots.

- Okay. I'm done. Read mine.
- Okay.

I see a ladder.

Which can mean either a promotion
or a violent death.

I'm the head chef.
I can't get promoted.

Who's next?

I'm done. Do mine.

Okay.

Oh! Okay, I see a circle.

Which can either mean
you're having a baby..

Or you'll make
a scientific discovery!

Well, I have been spending
a lot of time in the lab.

- What does yours say, Pheebs?
- All right.

Wow! Yay!

Oh, I'm gonna meet a guy!
And really soon!

He's gonna be the man of my dreams.

Probably not the guy
I had a dream about last night.

Has anyone seen my shirt?

It's a button-down, like
a faded salmon color?

You mean your pink shirt?

Faded salmon color?

No, I haven't seen your pink shirt.

I must have left it at Mona's.
I knew it!

I'm sure you can get another one
at Ann Taylor's.

That's my favorite shirt.
I love it.

Ask Mona to give it back.

I don't know. I could.

We didn't really end things
on good terms.

If I went, I'd be ignoring the
one thing she asked me to do..

Jump up my own ass and die.

Oh, wait a second, you guys?

I've been seeing that guy
everywhere I go.

We take the same bus,
go to the same bookstore.

Maybe he's the tea guy.

Did you see that?

He totally checked you out!
And he is so cute!

Mine is a picture of the Village
People. What does that mean?

Hi.

Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Tea gives Phoebe the trots!

I thought Joey and I
would be okay..

But we don't know
how to be together.

By the way,
I've been meaning to say this.

If you guys knew about this,
a heads-up would have been nice.

Just a little, you know.

"Joey loves you. Be prepared."

- Sorry.
- Well, for next time.

- It's tough, but things will improve.
- How do you know?

What if it gets worse and worse..

To the point where we
can't be in the same room?

I'm not great at the advice.

Can I interest you
in a sarcastic comment?

Some cheese?

Honey, why is the Bruce Springsteen CD
in the Cat Stevens case?

If I can't find the right case,
I use the nearest one.

- Where is the Cat Stevens CD?
- The James Taylor case.

- Where is that CD?
- I'll save you time.

Two hundred CDs,
not one of them in the right case.

Okay. No need to panic.
Deep breaths, everyone.

We'll just have to put the CDs
in their right cases.

If we do that, we should
come up with some kind of order.

We have to talk this through.

Oh, my God, you have such
problems! I feel so terrible for you!

All right. Okay, I'm sorry.

You're both focusing on
this uncomfortable thing.

Change the subject.

Get him talking about something else.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Maybe you need his advice
on a work problem..

- I could do that.
- Good.

The Miami Vice soundtrack?
Really?

They were just giving those away
at the store.

In exchange for money.

Hey.

I really don't know what to tell you.

Maybe Joey could help you out
with your big work problem.

- What?
- Yeah, Joey, she's..

Rachel's got this big work problem.
It is a head-scratcher.

Know what? If we're gonna make dinner,
we're gonna have to leave.

Yeah, Joey, maybe
you could help her out.

- Okay.
- Oh, and you know what?

While you're helping
solve this problem..

You might want to do something with
your hands. Like, off the top of my head..

Maybe put the CDs
in their right cases.

Here we go.

So you have a big work problem?

Yeah. It's, uh..

Yeah, it's, uh..

You know, it's nothing.

Okay.

So I think I'm gonna take off.

No, wait, Joey, it is.
It's something. It's..

It's my boss.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. And, uh..

And my baby.

Yeah?

My boss wants to buy my baby.

What? Oh, my God!

I know, I told you,
it's a really big problem!

- He wants to buy your baby?
- Can you believe that?

- That's crazy.
- That's what I told him!

- How did this even happen?
- Well, I'll tell you.

See, my boss and his wife,
they can't have children, so..

And then when we were
at the Christmas party..

He got drunk and said to me,
"Rachel, I want to buy your baby."

When you said it was a problem
about your boss and the baby..

I figured it was
about maternity leave.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, that would have been
a much simpler problem.

- Oh, hello.
- Oh, it's you. I see you everywhere.

I'm Jim. Jim Nelson.

Hi, Jim-Jim Nelson.
I'm Phoebe-Phoebe Buffay.

- We've seen each other a lot lately.
- Yes.

Maybe we'll see each other at
dinner tomorrow. Around 8:00?

Well, maybe we will.

Mona?

Okay, if I were a salmon shirt,
where would I be?

Upstream.

Damn, nobody's here
for my good ones.

I am so sorry I spilled wine
all over your shirt.

- It's okay.
- No, it's still wet.

Let me get it out before it sets.
I have something you could wear.

Here.

I don't know if I want to wear
a woman's shirt.

- That's a man's shirt.
- Awfully pink.

It's not pink!

Honey, we are so meant
to be together.

- We both have the Annie soundtrack.
- Honey, both yours.

Hey, great advice on that Joey thing.

- The work problem?
- It was perfect.

It felt like he was my friend.

- What problem did you say you have?
- Oh, that's not important.

The point is,
I think everything's gonna be okay.

May I help you?

You think you can just buy
my friend's baby?

Isn't it funny how we kept meeting?
It's as if someone wants us together.

Someone does. Me.

Witty banter. Well done. Good.

- Tell me a little bit about yourself.
- Okay. I'm a masseuse.

- And I used to work at this place..
- Do you like to party?

I like parties.

You're wild, aren't you?

- Yeah, I guess. A little.
- Ain't no thing. I'm wild too.

So anyway..

I've lived in New York,
somewhat wildly, I guess..

For, well, since I was 14.

I'm sorry. I'm staring.

It's just that you have
the most beautiful eyes.

- Oh, stop it.
- And your breasts!

Okay.

Look, you're coming on
a little strong.

I'll give you the benefit
of the doubt.

The universe wants us
to be together.

Why don't we start over?
You can tell me about yourself.

- All right.
- Okay.

I write erotic novels..

For children.

- What?
- They're wildly unpopular.

Oh, my God!

Also, you might like to know
I have a Ph.D.

- Wow! You do?
- Yep. A pretty huge..

All right.

- Hey.
- Joey, honey, listen.

Thanks for talking to me yesterday.
It meant a lot.

Not a problem.
Just so you know..

That guy won't be bothering
you about that baby thing anymore.

- What?
- Let's just say I took care of it.

Let's say more.

Don't worry. I told him, very nicely:

"You don't go buying people's babies!
So back off!"

- What?
- What?

No, no, no!

He doesn't want to buy my baby!
I made that up!

What? Why?

So we would have something
to talk about!

And you couldn't think
of anything else?

You said your boss
wants to buy your baby?

You yelled at my boss!
I'll lose my job! What am I gonna do?

You could always sell your baby.

I can't believe you brought
my boss into it! I'll be fired!

- You lied to me!
- Well, she told me to!

Chandler has two copies of Annie!

Oh, my God!

- Ross!
- Hello!

What are you doing?

Not touching myself, if that makes
anyone less uncomfortable.

Okay, then. I'll call you.

Morning. You wanted to see me?

Please, come in. Have a seat.

- Look, Mr. Zelner..
- It's best I speak first.

Yeah.

Lee from Human Resources is here
as a witness to our conversation.

Oh, God.

If I in any way implied
that I wanted to buy your baby..

I am sorry. Okay?

Last week, when I asked you
when your due date was..

I certainly did not mean that
I felt that I was "due" your baby.

I want to be very clear..

That I understand
that it's your baby..

And it is not mine to purchase.

Well, as long as we are clear
about that.

There it is.

- Not your regular cleaners.
- I know.

That creep goes there.
I had to find a new one.

I have to find a new bank,
adult bookstore, grocery store..

- What?
- A new grocery store.

The universe said I'd meet a nice guy.
I got that?

When I get up there,
I'm gonna kick some ass.

You'll meet someone. If I can meet
a great guy, so can you.

Yeah, we both can. And we both will.

- You didn't have to come in.
- You kidding?

This is where they get out stains.
This is like Disneyland for me.

I'm gonna be over here watching
the dance of the clean shirts.

Excuse me. I think you dropped..

- Wow!
- What?

Sorry.
You're just so incredibly beautiful.

Well, I'm sorry about that too.
But what are you gonna do?

Don't think I'm crazy,
but I was meant to pick this up.

- Do you believe in that kind of thing?
- A little.

Now you're talking.

- Want to go for coffee?
- I'd love to. Let me tell my friend.

An ink stain!
Can I watch how you get this out?

She must have left.

- So? What happened?
- It's all gonna be okay.

They're so happy I'm not suing, I got
an extra month paid maternity leave.

So long as I understand the money
should not be construed..

As a down payment on this
or any other child.

Ralph Lauren is going
out of their way..

To show they're not
in the baby-buying business.

- Give us a minute?
- Kicking me out of my living room?

Yeah.

I'll be in there.

I'm sorry I lied to you.
I was just trying to make things..

I know. I know.

It kind of worked.

I don't know about you,
but I haven't thought about our thing.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah. It's kind of been
like "us" again, a little bit.

- Yeah, I know. I've missed that.
- Me too.

I haven't thought about
how I put myself out there..

And said that stuff.
How you didn't feel the same..

And how it was really awkward.

My gynecologist tried to kill me.

Item J437-A.

Color: winterberry.

Hi, listen. Come here. Come..

I'm so, so sorry about yesterday.

But what did I tell you about leaving
your key outside the door like that?

I mean, you're lucky it was me
and not someone else.

I guess lucky is too strong a word.

Anyway, Mona, I'm really, really sorry.
It's just..

Listen, you don't have to apologize.
I understand why you were there.

- You do?
- Yeah. You still have feelings for me.

To be honest,
I still have feelings for you.

I wish we could work it out,
but we can't.

It's too complicated with you
and Rachel and the baby. I just..

It just wasn't meant to be.

Oh, God. You're right.

Ross, we have to be strong.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Can I? To remember you?

No.