Friends (1994–2004): Season 8, Episode 16 - The One Where Joey Tells Rachel - full transcript

Previously:

There's this woman that I like a lot.

But it's complicated.

She was with this other guy
for a long time.

I could never do that to the guy.
We're friends.

So this guy she used to go out with,
is he a good guy?

The best.

- Then talk to him.
- I don't know.

It's worth finding out,
if you like her.

I do, so much.

I can't stop thinking about her.
I can't sleep..



You know what?
You have to go for it.

How often does this happen to you?
You owe it to yourself.

It's Rachel.

I'm sorry, did you just say
it's Rachel?

Yes.

You like Rachel?

Yes. I like Rachel.

Rachel?!

Yeah. Okay, but look, you know..

You know who else I like? You.

And it doesn't get said enough.
I like you, Ross.

- "Rachel" Rachel?
- It's not a big deal.

It's not a big deal?
I'm sorry, I just..

What about the stuff you said?



How you can't stop thinking about her?
How you can't sleep?

I'm an actor, you know?

As a group, we tend to be
overdramatic.

Rachel-who's-carrying-my-baby Rachel?

I know it's bad.
And I know it's wrong, okay?

It's not like anything's
ever gonna happen.

These are just feelings.
They'll go away.

You know, I gotta go.

Hey, Ross..

You know, I just have one...
Rachel?!

Rachel?!

Okay, she's kicking.

She's growing inside you.

- That was a big one.
- That's the youngest girl to reject me.

- You guys!
- Hey there.

Let me ask you.
Do you believe in soul mates?

Oh, yes, I do.

There's one person out there
for everyone.

You know how you find him?
Stop looking.

I've stopped looking
for Russell Crowe.

He'll find me.

And you?

No. I believe that certain people
are more suited for each other, but..

- Soul mates? I don't think they exist.
- Good.

- Why?
- Well, last night, I met Monica's.

What?

I had a date with this guy.
I swear he's her other half.

You don't think there's somebody
better suited for Monica than me?

Well, what's he like?

- He's tall. He has brown hair.
- Of course.

A tall guy with hair similar to mine?
Oh, unknowable universe!

- He works with food.
- Oh, sure. Older?

- Obviously. And he's British.
- I was just gonna ask!

And he's so centered,
and mature and confident.

It's so sad they never met.

Luckily, the guy she settled for
can't hear you.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
Maybe I'm wrong.

We're going out again.
I'll find out more.

He's meant for her,
and you're gonna date him?

He may not be my soul mate,
but a girl's gotta eat.

Rachel?!

I didn't know Joey was on JAG.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I talked to Joey.
I wanted to see you.

I still can't believe it.
Joey and Rachel?

It's like you and me going out,
only weirder.

I know you're hurting..

But don't say that again.

What if they marry?
He'd be the stepfather of my child.

You don't need to worry.

He'll never tell her how he feels.

If he did, you don't know
how she'd react.

Sure, women never like Joey.
I think he's a virgin.

- He isn't thinking about going for her.
- He's not?

All he's thinking about
is how you're taking this.

It's freaking him out.
He wants to move to Vermont.

- Why?
- He wants to leave the country.

He thinks you hate him.

Hate him?

No, I don't hate him.

It's just, it's Rachel. You know?

I can't even imagine how hard
this must be for you..

But I don't want you
to lose Joey over it.

Right now, he needs to know
that you're still his friend.

Okay, I'll talk to him.

I'd do it soon.

He just asked me how to convert
his dollars into Vermont money.

- Hi!
- Hi.

- Chandler, Monica, this is Don.
- Hello.

Hello, nice to meet you.
How are you?

Soul mate.

- What are you guys doing?
- We had lunch at Adriatica.

- What's with the sun-dried tomatoes?
- I know! Is this 1985?

- That's what I said! Isn't it strange?
- Not really.

What's wrong with sun-dried tomatoes?

On a barbecued-chicken pizza?

No?

- What restaurants do you like?
- Octavio. 27-and-7.

- There's this place, Alessandro's.
- Oh, my God! I'm the chef!

You're kidding!
Your food is fantastic!

I want to talk about your menu.
Anyone want coffee?

If you're talking about me,
I'll go with you.

I'll have a mocha-ccino.

What are you doing?

I swear, I didn't know you guys
would be here.

You don't believe in soul mates, so..

I believe in handsome strangers
who hit on my wife.

Just because I think they're soul mates
doesn't mean anything'll happen.

Phoebe? Good work.

He's great. I love him.

Don't worry, we'll find you
someone else.

I understand if you came by to hit me.
I deserve it.

No, I don't want to hit you.

What, then? Kick me?

No.

Bite me?

I don't want to do anything to you.

I just want to say I'm not
mad at you..

And that I certainly
do not hate you.

I just came here to say that.

Hey, wait, Ross?

You wanna come in
for a beer or something?

Yeah, sure.

You got any beer?

All I got is melon stuff
that Rachel left.

Okay.

You need to understand something.

I am never gonna act
on this Rachel thing, okay?

I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize
my friendship with you.

Thank you.

Anyway, it'll just..

It'll take me a while to get over her.

I'm not sure how to do that.
I've never been in love, so..

What?

You're in love with her?

- Yeah. I thought you knew that.
- No.

Look, if it helps, I don't want
to feel this way, honest.

I just keep thinking,
"I'll get over this," you know?

But it just keeps getting harder.

I don't know what to do, you know?

What do I do?

- You need to tell her how you feel.
- That's the green stuff talking.

I'm serious.
You need to find out where she is.

If she's not where you are,
you can start to move on.

But what if,
and I'm not saying she will be..

If she is where you are..

Then my feeling weird
shouldn't stand in the way.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

If she ends up with somebody else..

The truth is,
she couldn't find a better guy.

Hey, thanks.

- So when are you gonna talk to her?
- Oh, my God. I have to tell her.

I haven't thought about it.
What should I say?

I'm understanding,
but let's not get carried away.

What am I gonna say?

Yeah, tell me about it.

I'm phasing out the wine importing
and focusing more on the cheese.

Cheese, you say?

That's some
pretty smelly work, huh, Don?

- Excuse me?
- Cheese. It's smelly.

You must smell a lot of the time too.

Not really. But with cheese,
I think the smellier, the better.

Me too! Chandler hates it.
I can't have blue cheese in the house.

And you're still married to him?

I would like to go to France and eat
nothing but bread and cheese.

Not even bread. Just cheese.

No, I want the bread.

And pastries.

And pate.

I'm really not high.
I just used to be fat.

I have a villa in the Loire Valley
you can stay in.

Is it made of cheese?

No. A house made of cheese,
wouldn't that be incredible?

- I'd move in tomorrow!
- Oh, come on!

- Listen to this!
- I'm so sorry.

- What do we do?
- They both want a house of cheese.

I don't know how you fight that.

Okay, okay. I can do this.
I can tell her how I feel.

Okay, stand up straight.

Take a couple deep breaths.

Look confident.

Joey? What's up?

I came by because
I want to talk to you about something.

What's up?

Here, in the hall?
What are we, animals?

I'm late for a meeting.
Could you make it quick?

I just came by to tell you that..

I want to have dinner with you.

Sure. Just tell me where to meet you.

Okay. That's good.

That gives you a couple of hours
to prepare.

Don't you people ever knock?

I'd like to have Don and Phoebe over.
Wouldn't that be nice?

Sure. Set it up.

I'll just be browsing
through the personals.

Are you okay?
You're acting weird.

Yeah. Fine. Not perfect.

But good enough.

Jeez, what's with you?

I'm sorry, did you say "cheese"?

- What's going on?
- Phoebe says you and Don are soul mates.

I don't believe in that,
but you two get along.

I'll step aside if you wanna go with
Don and live in a house of cheese.

- You don't believe in soul mates?
- No, but I'm sure "tomahtoes" does.

I don't believe in soul mates, either.

- You don't?
- Nope.

We weren't destined
to end up together.

We fell in love and work hard
at our relationship.

Some days we work really hard.

So you don't want to live with Don
in a cheese house?

No, I've had second thoughts.
Do you know how hard it'd be to clean?

- I love you.
- I know.

I'm gonna take you out to dinner.

I found this place that makes
the greatest jalapeno poppers.

No? They taste so good.

It happens whenever Chandler
touches my stomach.

I'm worried the baby won't like him.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, sure.

Look, the reason..

Is it hot in here?

Why don't you take off your sweater?

This is a nice place..

And my T-shirt has a picture
of Calvin doing Hobbes.

Oh, my God, really? Can I see it?

Yeah, sure.

I wouldn't think Hobbes
would like that so much.

How long have we known each other?

Seven, eight..

Eight years. Wow.

A long time.

But over the past few weeks, I..

Okay! Sorry about the wait,
but it is mega-jammed in here.

Our specials tonight..

- Could you give us a second?
- Sure.

Second's up!

Not that kind of table.

So you were saying?

I'm not sure.

You asked how long we knew each other,
and I said eight years.

Then the waiter came over
and cut his tip in half..

And now here we are.

Yeah. Here we are.

I think I'm falling in love with you.

What?

I'm falling in love with you.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, you're kidding. It's a joke.

Funny. It's funny!

I don't get it.

Okay.

Wow.

Okay, so the specials are..

Are you..?

How did..?

When?

Does it really matter?

Wow. Wow.

It is hot in here.

I know this is a lot.

You don't have to say anything.

You take as much time as you need.

Okay, you gotta say something.

Joey, I love you so much.

- But..
- But.

Joey?

Right. Hey, that's..

That's okay. That's fine.

It's pretty much what I was expecting.

It's no big deal, all right?

- I think I'm gonna go.
- Please don't leave like this.

You can't do this to a pregnant woman!

Don't start doing that.

You can't do that,
because you're gonna make me..

Oh, there we go!

- Can I?
- Sure.

Oh, Joey. I don't want to lose..

Hey, hey.

You can't, okay? Ever.

I'm so sorry.

Please don't be sorry.

Okay? Don't be sorry.

You know, I was only kidding.

Yeah, that was a real good one.

- Is this your table?
- Yeah.

- You'll be here all night.
- I know.

I haven't even read the specials.

What's the matter?

I don't know.
I think maybe one of them is dying.

I kind of hope it's the girl.

The guy is really cute!