Friends (1994–2004): Season 8, Episode 13 - The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath - full transcript

After his openhearted evening with Rachel, Joey finds it impossible to go back to thinking about her as just a friend, yet he can't talk about it, not even to Chandler. As Joey rambles, ...

All right, it's a new day.
That stuff about Rachel?

You don't feel that now. It was crazy.
You're fine. You're better than fine.

You are, as your friend Tony
would say, "Great!"

Everything's normal.
She's just your friend, Rachel.

Your friend, Rachel.
Your friend. Rachel.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hey, it's your girlfriend, Rachel!

Are you..? Are you high?

I just had the most amazing bath.

- Really? I don't like baths.
- You like them with me.

Honey, it's not the bath I enjoy.
It's the wet, naked lady.

- Baths are so relaxing.
- Really? What do you do?

You just sit in there,
stewing in your own filth.

How dirty do you think I am?

If you had some candles and bubbles
and music, you would love it.

It would take all of your stress away.

It's 2:00 on a Wednesday
and I'm watching Road Rules.

How stressed do you think I am?

Hey, Chandler. You got a minute?
I really need to talk to you.

Oh, yeah. Is this a cold-pizza talk
or a leftover-meat loaf talk?

Well, neither.

Oh, my God, what's up?

I don't know. It's just..

Lately, I've been feeling..

Okay, here's what it is.

You know what?
I feel a lot better. Thanks.

No. Come back here and talk to me,
mon frere.

- Who?
- Just come back.


You and Monica,
friends for a long time.

And sure, there are rules.
But then you went to London.

But that's different. There are rules
there too, you know what I mean?

Do you?

It was different for you guys.
You were both in the same place, right?

- In London?
- Yeah.

Yes, when Monica and I were
in London, we were both in London.

You know what. This is a bad idea.
Forget all about it.

And listen, do me a favor,
this conversation between you and me.

If that.

How do I keep losing at tic-tac-toe?

Oh, no, no, honey.
My circle always stays in the middle.

Oh, Ross, don't forget we have
that doctor's appointment tomorrow.

- To find out the sex of the baby?
- No. We don't wanna know.

All we care about
is that it's happy and healthy.

Yep, happy and healthy. And cute.

- And smart. With an aptitude for science.
- Popular.

Are you two talking
about the same baby?

- Hey, have you thought of names?
- Oh, yeah. I've come up with a bunch.

- Really? Me too.
- Me too.


If it's a girl, Phoebe.
And if it's a boy, Pheebo.

Maybe. But it wouldn't hurt
to have a backup, you know?

- Rach, what were you thinking?
- Okay.

I was thinking if it's a girl..

How about Sandrene? It's French.

That's a really pretty name
for an industrial solvent.

- Okay, fine. What do you have?
- It's for a boy.

I know it's a little out there, but..


Oh, my God. Our child will be beaten
to death in the schoolyard.

Yeah, by Sandrene.

You're saying that
because I said no to your name.

I'm really, really not.

How about you each get five vetoes?

- That sounds fair.
- I don't think you'll need it. Check this out.

If it's a girl, Rain.

- Veto.
- Why?

Rain? "Hi, my name is Rain.

I have my own kiln,
and my dress is made out of wheat."

I know her!

I bought a homemade soap
from her at a Dead show!

- Okay. How about for a guy, Thatcher?
- Why do you hate our child?

- Fine, you go.
- Okay. James.

- But only if it's a girl.
- Veto.

I like Ruth. What about Ruth?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Are we having an 89-year-old?

- How about Dayton?
- Veto. Stewart.

Veto. Sawyer.

- Veto. Helen.
- Veto.

Is it me, or is Veto starting
to sound really good?

Boy, do I have a surprise for you.

Sex on the balcony?

No. But someone's not gonna
get over that idea.

- What is it?
- I drew you a bath.

I don't like baths. Could you draw me
a picture of us having sex on the balcony?

Please. Will you just try it for me.
I used all my best stuff.

I lit candles, I put on music.
I used bath salts, plus bubble bath.

And got you this little plastic
Navy ship! So it's a boy bath.

- This does butch it up a bit.
- I swear, if you try it, you will love it.

If I do this, can we at least discuss
sex on the balcony?


But I know how
that discussion's gonna go.

All right, this isn't so bad.
I like the flowery smell.

Which is okay,
because I've got my boat.

I can actually feel my tension
just melting away.

I could fall asleep in here.

I could drown in here.


- So?
- Oh, my God.

I told you you were a bath person.
Hey, maybe I can give you a facial.

I'm gonna need a bigger boat.

I don't think you had an open mind
about the name Ruth.

I mean, come on, little Ruthie Geller?
How cute is that?

Oh, my God, I can practically
hear the mahjong tiles.

Okay. All your tests look fine. Are you
interested in knowing the sex of the baby?

- No, we're not.
- But you have it right there in that file?

You could tell us
whether it's a boy or a girl?

Dayton or Sandrene?
Phoebe or Pheebo?

That's right.
But if you don't wanna know..

- No, we wanna wait. Right?
- Right. Right.

Oh, I'll be right back.

I know it's really not my place..

But please don't name
your child Pheebo.

So which of these babies
do you think is the ugliest?

What? Rach, come on, that's terrible.

They're babies.
They're all beautiful.

- Third one from the left?
- Yeah. Why is it staring at me?

I think it knows I'm talking about it.
Don't you..? You're looking!

- I didn't!
- I saw you!

Fine, I did,
but I didn't see anything.

Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you!

- Okay. But listen to me, I didn't..
- Don't tell me! I don't wanna know!

I couldn't even if I wanted to,
because I don't know!

I swear I didn't see anything! I don't want
to know. It was just a momentary lapse.

Momentary lapse?
Don't you have any self-control?

Okay. A couple months late
on the lecture, Ross.


I'm in the bathroom. Can you come in here?
I think there's something wrong.

You know what?
I think I'll wait out here.

I'm in the bathtub.

- What's wrong?
- I drew my own bath, but I did it wrong.

The water's tepid, the salt didn't dissolve
and is now lodged places.

And the scents I used don't compliment
each other. Eucalyptus and chamomile?

- What?
- Bath salts.

They're starting to effervesce.

It's different.

It's interesting.

Okay. Let's talk about something else.

Yeah. Sure. So, what was
going on with you today?

I actually had the weirdest
conversation with Joey.

He was talking about rules
and right and wrong.

- I had the same conversation.
- You did? What was he talking about?

He hasn't had this much trouble getting
out words since we saw him in Macbeth.

That was a long night.

All right, let's break this down.
What exactly did he say to you?

He was talking about rules
and looking at people differently.

- He didn't say that to me.
- What'd he tell you?

He was asking questions
about you, me and London.

And the glue that holds
this all together, the rules.

Okay. So you, me and London.

Looking at people differently.

Maybe he wants to do what you and I
did in London with someone.

But what'd he mean by "rules"?

Wait. He stopped talking
the minute Phoebe came in.

- Because he was looking at her differently.
- And Phoebe is his friend.

So he thinks that would be
breaking the rules.

My God, he wants to do it
with Phoebe in London!

- You guys?
- Just a minute!

- That's Mrs. Tribbiani.
- You don't say anything.

Why would I say anything?

That two of our friends could start
the greatest love affair of their lives?

They would have me to thank.
Then we could all start having babies!

- I'm not gonna let you say anything.
- You just stay here.

Oh, God!

Hey, Monica, I brought back your iron.

Oh, you had that? I thought I lost it.
I got a new one a month ago.

Oh, just as well. I broke this one.

- What?
- Nothing.

I really shouldn't say.
I'm really not supposed to.


It's a humdinger.

Well, then it's really too bad
that you can't tell me.

Somebody likes you!

Is it Chandler?

- No!
- Then tell him to stop staring.

It's Joey.

Really? Joey? You don't say.

- Is it something you'd be interested in?
- I don't know, I don't know.

You know, I mean, on the one hand,
"Mother, may I?"

But, you know, on the other hand..

No. No, I can't. We're friends.

Oh, no. I don't wanna risk
what we have.

I guess that makes sense.
You think you're gonna talk to him?

Sure. I mean, it's Joey.
I don't want him to get hurt.

Well, I must say, I am on fire!
First Chandler, now Joey.

- Not Chandler. Just Joey.
- Sure.

You know what? I've been thinking about it.
I'm coming around on the name Ruth.

I think I would actually consider
naming our child that.

Rach, I can't tell you
how much that means to me.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. You hated the name Ruth.
Why would you change your mind?

Unless you know we're never
gonna have to use it.

You did see. You know it's a boy!

I didn't see anything.
I actually changed my mind about the name.

I don't think so.
You're giving me Ruth..

So you get to name him
when it's a boy.

That's when you'll swoop in and
name him Heath or Blaine or Sequoia.

I would.. Sequoia!

- Veto.
- Fine.


You anticipated
that I would figure all this out..

And you know that
it actually is a girl.

And you really do want her
to be named Ruth.

Well, I'm not falling for that!
Okay? Ruth is off the table!

- But, Ross, you want the name Ruth.
- Not like this!

What's up?

- Joey, I know.
- What?

- I know.
- What?

- I know about your feelings.
- Oh, my God, you do?

I'm sorry. Things worked out for
Chandler and Monica, but that's rare.

I know. And this is so much more
complicated than it was for those guys.

I mean, it's Rachel, for God's sakes.

For God's sakes, it's Rachel!

I know! She's not only my friend,
she's my pregnant friend.

She's my pregnant friend
who's Ross 'ex!

Yeah, that's Rachel.

Beat me over the head with it.

What am I gonna do? I keep trying
to get rid of these feelings.

I stayed up all last night and made a list
of everything I don't like about her.

- You wanna hear it?
- Yeah.

"She made me switch to light mayo."
That's it! That's all I got!

You know what? Tastes the same
and my pants fit better.

Joey, I think you're getting upset for
nothing. This is probably just a crush.

You think?

Absolutely. You get this rush
of feelings, but then it goes away.

Yeah, just a crush.
That's all this is. It's a crush!

I'm Joey. I don't get deep feelings.

There you go.
Crushes happen all the time.

I know I've had them for all you guys.
Except for Ross and Chandler.

- And I'm sure you've had them for us.
- Not really.

Throw me a bone here.

So I called the doctor.

- Now we both know the sex of the baby.
- What?

That's right.
The student has become the master.

- Ross, I swear. I don't know.
- Oh, come on, you know it's a girl.

A what?

You really didn't know?

- We're having a girl?
- No.

- That's what you said.
- No.

- You said girl.
- Yes. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm not! We're having a girl!

Sometimes I can't believe it's with you,
but still, we're having a girl!

I know! You know what?
I'm putting Ruth back on the table.

Yes, we'll have ourselves
a little baby Ruth.

- Permission to veto.
- Yes, please.

Do I smell essential oils?

Yeah. I'm gonna take a bath.
I was just gonna get a magazine.

What do you think you're doing?

Leaving my troubles behind?

I know that you're new at this,
but this is unacceptable bath decorum.

It's so hard to care
when you're this relaxed.

Okay, fine. You can have the bath,
but I am taking your boat.

Now you're just a girl in a tub.

Hi, bubbles. Manly.

I thought I would drop by
and let you know how it went.

You told her?

She pulled it out of me!
She's like a conversational wizard!

- How did it go?
- You were wrong. He doesn't like me.

How would you like it if I sent you
to Lee Majors' house..

And I told you he liked you
and you went there..

And you found out that he didn't like you.
How would you feel?

- I don't think I'd care.
- Really? Lee Majors is hot.

- Hello?
- We're in the bathroom!

- Why?
- Because it's a relaxing and enjoyable time!

- What are you guys doing in here?
- Oh, my God.

A friend he's looking at differently,
but it's wrong.

- It's Rachel!
- You like Rachel?

It's no big deal. Phoebe and I talked.
It's a crush. It'll go away.

Dude, you gotta rearrange
your bubbles.

Mazel tov.

Ross and I were looking for you.

What are we all doing in here?
Oh, my.

- Honey, cover it up with the boat.
- It's not an aircraft carrier.


We're all in here,
and we'd love for you to join us!

Well, hey! What's going on?
Oh, cool boat. Oh, no.

- Did you tell them?
- No. I was waiting for you.

- Tell us what?
- We're having a girl.

Oh, wow! Really?

I'll get you later.

All right. It's a new day.
And it's just a crush.

That's all. Just a little crush.

All that worrying I was doing?
That was crazy.

Like my friend the bird here
would say, "It was cuckoo!"

Everything's gonna be fine.
It's just a crush.

- Hi, sweetie.
- I love you.

It's nice to do this together,
isn't it?

Yeah. And what you're doing
feels so good.

I'm not touching you.

- You're not?
- It's the salts.

Oh, sweet Lord,
new realms of pleasure.

Whatever keeps you
off the balcony, big guy.