Friends (1994–2004): Season 8, Episode 12 - The One Where Joey Dates Rachel - full transcript

Phoebe gives Chandler and Monica a late wedding present: the game Ms Pac-Man. Chandler plays it all day long to be better than Monica and Phoebe. Rachel misses dressing up for romantic ...

Did we get paper towels?

You mean the thing
we went to the store for?

Nope.

Hey, I got you a present!

Oh, my goodness, where did you hide it?

I ordered it for your wedding
and it's finally here!

You didn't have to get us anything..

I love it! It's huge! Let's open it!

- It's a Ms. Pac-Man machine!
- Oh, my God!

I didn't know where to put it.

- We can put it in the guest bedroom.
- Yeah, okay.



I kind of like it here.

Do you like it?

I practically spent my
entire childhood at the arcade.

- This was my second favorite.
- What's your first?

- I don't remember the name.
- Well, what did it do?

You'd put a quarter in,
pull some handles and win a candy bar.

A vending machine?

Don't feel bad for me.
I won every time!

I'm so glad you guys are here.

Guess what happened
in the paleontology department.

Do you think he saw us,
or can we still slip out?

Professor Newman, the department head,
is retiring, so..

- They made you head of the department!
- I'm teaching his advanced class!

Why didn't I get head
of the department?



Great. You've always wanted
to teach an advanced class.

No, I know. It's really exciting.
This is the break I've been waiting for.

I'm not sure a court-ordered
detox program..

Was the break
Professor Newman was waiting for.

But, hey.

Hey, Rach, I got a big date.
Do you know a good restaurant?

Paul's Cafe. It's got great food
and it's really romantic.

Great, thanks.

Then take her to the
Four Seasons for drinks.

Or go downtown
and listen to some jazz.

Or dancing. Oh, take her dancing!

You sure are naming
a lot of ways to postpone sex.

I miss dating. Dressing up,
going to a fancy restaurant.

I won't be able to do that for so long.
And it's so much fun.

Not that sitting around
worrying about giving birth isn't fun.

Hey, you know what?
Why don't I take you out.

You don't want to date
a pregnant lady.

Yes, I do. We're gonna
have a good time.

I'll take your mind off of childbirth,
and C-sections..

And baby heads stretching out..

Okay, I'll go with you.

- It will be fun.
- All right.

No, no! Yes!

Would you look at that.

I knocked off all your top scores.
How sad.

Okay, I'm next.

Don't start another game.
I'm next! Phoebe?

Sorry, I couldn't hear you
over all the winning.

- Phoebe's hogging the game.
- It's a stupid game.

You think it's stupid because
you suck.

I don't suck. It sucks.

You suck.

If this game is gonna cause problems,
I should keep it.

No, I love it. It is a great present.

Why don't you go home and wait
for the thank-you card?

- Why do you want to play this game?
- It doesn't spit out a Clark Bar.

Okay. Phoebe, that's it.
Out of the chair.

Phoebe! Chandler!

No, no. This is a girl fight.
I'm hoping it will turn into love-play.

Okay, look. Honey, I'm sorry..

I'm acting hostile. I don't mean to.
It's just that I love this game so much..

That I would just like
the chance to play it too.

Wow, it's amazing how well I can play
with you yapping around my head..

Like a Chihuahua.

All right, that's it. Chandler,
help me get her out of the chair.

Chandler, come on.

Joey, could you get that?

Joey.

I thought you were in your room.

I'm picking you up for our date.
For you.

Lilies. They're my favorite.
Thank you.

And a brownie.

Well, half a brownie.

Actually, it's just a bag.

It's a long walk from the flower shop
and I felt faint, so..

This is so great! I actually feel
like I'm on a real date.

But I have morning sickness and
I have on underwear that goes up to..

There.

Hey, come on. This is a real date.

So nice place you got here.

Football. Pizza box.

Oh, a subscription to Playboy.
My kind of woman.

That's my roommate's.

I'd like to meet him.
He sounds like a standup guy.

He's protective of me,
so you'd better watch yourself.

Your roommate, is he good-looking?

Must be tough to keep your hands
off him.

I'm pretty sure he's gay.

No! No, he's not! Why are you trying
to ruin the game?

Which brings us back
to Greely's Theory of Dominance.

That's it for today.

Does anyone know where
the Freeman Building is?

It's the new building on Avenue A.

That's across town.
I'm teaching there in 10 minutes.

Dude, that's not gonna happen.

Move it! Move it!

Hey! I'm the teacher!

Hello.

Sorry I'm a little late.
Whoa, a lot late.

Well, let me start
by introducing myself.

I'm Professor Geller.

So to sum up..

I'm Professor Geller.
Good job today.

- What comes with the filet mignon?
- Steamed vegetables.

Instead of the vegetables..

Is there any way that I could
substitute the..

Three-pound lobster?

You know what? Bring her both.

And I'll have the same.

Wow, this is shaping up
to be a pretty good date.

I almost forgot.
I didn't pay you the rent.

No roommate stuff. It's a date.

Wow, so I get to see what
Joey Tribbiani is like on a date.

Have any moves?

No, I'm just myself,
and if they don't like me for..

I'm sorry, I couldn't even
get through that.

I knew it. Tell me your moves.

All right.

Well..

I start by having a bottle of wine
sent to my table from a fan.

Oh, my God. And that works?

If you add, "This is embarrassing.
I just want to have a normal life."

You poor little famous man.

Okay, how about this one?

I was gonna wait until the end
of the night to kiss you..

But you're just so beautiful,
I don't think I can.

Oh, my God!

Wow, that was fantastic!
I almost leaned in. Really.

So tell me one of your moves.

All right.

So where'd you grow up?

That's your move?

Boy, Rach, you're lucky you're hot.

- Come on, just answer the question.
- Queens.

Were you close to your parents?

- With my mom. Not so much my dad.
- Why not?

I don't know.
There's just this distance.

We both try to pretend it's not there,
but it is.

It's gotta be rough.

Yeah, it's really tough.
Sometimes I think..

Wow!

Nice move!

- "Where'd you grow up?" So simple.
- Thank you.

Now, excuse me.
I'm gonna use the restroom.

- Now you're watching me walk away.
- Yes, I am! So simple!

- You won't believe what I did today.
- Clearly not shower or shave.

I played this all day,
and now I rule.

They should change the name
to "Ms. Chandler."

Although, I hope they don't.

You stayed home and played Ms. Pac-Man
while I went to work like a chump?

I got the top 10 scores. I erased
Phoebe off the board. High-five!

What is the matter with your hand?

I played for eight hours.

It'll loosen up. Check out the scores.

Also, look at the initials.
They're dirty words.

- Chandler, why would you do that?
- Because it's awesome.

You think it's clever?

They only give you three letters,
so after A-S-S, it is a challenge.

But clearly you're up to the task.

- This one's not dirty.
- Put it together with that one.

Oh.

If you don't clear this off,
you won't get one of those from me.

Ben's coming over tomorrow.
This can't be there.

- He won't know what they mean.
- He's 7, not stupid.

- Have you talked to him lately?
- I'm gonna unplug it.

I'll have nothing to show for my day.
Like work.

No!

Hey, look! It's still there!

This thing must have some kind
of primitive ROM chip!

Wow. The dirty words
and the computer talk.

This is just the coolest
you've ever been.

- You gotta beat your scores.
- With the claw?

Fine, I'll do it.
We gotta get this off.

Carol's still upset that
you taught him "Pull my finger."

Pull my finger. My hand is messed up!

- I am not gonna answer that.
- Oh, come on. Just pick one.

Between Monica, Phoebe,
Chandler and Ross..

If you had to,
who would you punch?

We're friends.
I wouldn't punch any of them.

Chandler?

Yeah, but I don't know why.

- I'm having a wonderful time!
- Me too!

- This is the best date I ever had.
- I know!

I laughed so hard. Did you
see the wine come out my nose?

Joey, I think everybody saw it.

I never knew I could enjoy
the non-sex part of a date so much.

That's because you have never
been on a date with me before.

All right. Now don't judge me.

I normally wait till my date leaves,
but I'm ripping into the swan.

Okay, then you don't judge me.

I'm gonna suck on the cellophane
from that brownie.

Oh, yeah.

So tell me, what are Joey Tribbiani's
end-of-the-night moves?

Well, if I want the girl to kiss me..

First, I make my lips
look irresistible.

How do you do it?

Now you can't tell anyone, but..

I put on shiny lip balm.

- Oh, my God.
- Like a moth to a flame, I tell you.

- Okay, now you go.
- No, I don't want to tell you.

- Why not?
- It's embarrassing.

More embarrassing than
shiny raspberry lip balm?

I didn't say raspberry before, did I?

Just tell me, Rach. Just tell me.

Okay.

All right, stand up.

Well, when we're at the door..

I lightly press my lips
against his.

Then move into his body,
just for a second.

And then I make this sound:

It doesn't sound like anything,
but it works.

Oh, yeah. That would work, yeah.

All right, I gotta go to bed.
I had such a wonderful time.

Me too.

You were 50 minutes late?
Did you crawl?

No, I ran, okay? It's really far.

When did people stop understanding
"Get out of my way"?

Why didn't you take a cab?

With the traffic and one-way streets,
it'd take me twice as long.

And I have class three times a week.
Who am I, Rockefeller?

You won't be able to keep doing this.

If I don't, they'll take the class
away from me.

And I put it in my family newsletter.

- Your what?
- You've seen it, The Geller Yeller.

Right. Wow.

I figured out a faster route.
I'm sure I can make it this time.

I just can't be afraid
to get a little bit hit by cars.

- Hey.
- Hi!

Remember when we talked about Cujo?

I can't believe you haven't seen Cujo.

Relax, it isn't Citizen Kane.

Have you ever sat through
Citizen Kane?

Yeah, it's really boring.
But it's, like, a big deal.

Anyway, I was thinking
about renting Cujo.

Well, let's do it tonight.

- Don't you have that big date?
- Oh, right.

- Hey, Joey, can I ask you something?
- Yeah.

After our date, did you feel weird?

Oh, my God. You did too?
It freaked me out. What was that?

I don't know. I'm kind of thinking
it was the lobster.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, the lobster.

- I was up sick all night.
- Me too. All night.

Really? We didn't cross paths.

Yeah, well, that's because..

I stayed in my room.

You don't want to look
in my hamper.

Okay, I got that.

I'll escape there.
I'll come back here.

All right. Come on, Ms. Pac-Man.

Well, you're just a little bitch,
aren't you?!

Hey, you guys?

I'm sorry that I was
hogging the game before.

But if you don't get off soon,
I will cut you.

Oh, my God! Your friends have
some unfortunate initials.

They're all Chandler.

Chandler couldn't get this good.

I did. But it came at a price.

Ben's coming, and he can't see this.

By age 7, kids have
already seen orgies.

Was it just me?

So..

We're about out of time.

Now, I know I've given
you a lot of new information.

And it may seem
a little overwhelming.

But, if there's one thing..

You need to take away
from class today..

It's that..

Dinosaurs ain't never coming back.

I'll see you next time.

Yes, I made it! I'm on time!

Okay, why don't we all..

Open our books to page 23..

Where..

Where you will see..

A bunch of red spots.

Okay, why don't you all start to read
while I..

This is so embarrassing.

I just want to have a normal life.

Wow, that's an expensive
bottle of wine.

It is?

That's funny, my fans
don't normally do that.

Are you all right?
You seem a little distracted.

No, no, I'm fine. It's just..

Hey, can I ask you something?

Have you ever looked at someone
you know..

And suddenly seen them
in a different way?

You mean like from behind?

Yeah. That's exactly it.

I saw this guy from behind,
and he seemed totally normal.

And then he turned around
and it was Stephen Baldwin!

Yeah.

So you know exactly what I mean.

Totally! Wow.

- Would you excuse me?
- Sure.

- Phoebe! You're on fire!
- I know!

You can do it!

- Don't touch me!
- Don't touch her!

Go left! Go right! Go right!

I can't! I can't!

No! You son of a..

Phoebe?!

Oh, hi, Ben.
No, don't look at the machine!

Thank God you're home!
I'm watching Cujo.

- Alone?
- Yes! What is wrong with this dog?

Did you get to the part where Cujo
throws himself at the car?

No, seriously,
what's wrong with the dog?

Wait, what happened to your date?

Oh, it didn't work out.

- Want to watch the rest of the movie?
- Oh, okay. Yeah.

I never thought I'd say this..

But I hope this dog dies.

What are you doing?
Sit here. Protect me.

Oh. Sure, yeah. Why not?

Okay.

- That's him, that's him! That's Cujo!
- I know.

It's gonna be okay.

Oh, my God. What's he gonna do now?
I can't watch.

How can you watch this?
Aren't you scared?

Terrified.

So is everybody here?
I got here a little early, myself.

Let us begin.

Now, the hadrosaurids have been
unearthed in two main locations.

Here..

And..

Here.

Now, as for the hydrosaurs..