Friends (1994–2004): Season 8, Episode 1 - The One After I Do - full transcript

Oh, my God, we did it!

We just got married. Right there!

Is that your ring?

We're off to a good start.

- And, you sure you're not pregnant?
- Yeah. I'm sure.

But if you're ready to have kids
we got a room upstairs.

I mean, I'll blow off
this party right now. I'll do it!

Okay, you guys,
that ceremony was so beautiful.

Was it?! Was it perfect?!
Is it too soon to see the video?!

Can we just please take a moment?
Our two best friends just got married.

We are so blessed to be able
to share in this incredible joy.



That is so true.

Mon, is it too late to switch
from chicken to steak?

I'm so happy for you guys.
And you are both so lucky!

I mean, you both said the right names

And nobody was drunk.

Okay.

And nobody was gay.

And on your first try.

Great. Great.
Just give me a sec to change film.

I know I'm not supposed to know,
but I do and I'm so excited for you.

- What's going on?
- Monica's pregnant.

Oh, my God. Is that why
you guys had to get married?

- Guys, I'm not pregnant.
- Oh, slow swimmers?

What?! What do you mean?
You're not pregnant?



- You didn't tell anybody I was, did you?
- No.

I'll be right back.

You. Take a lot of pictures.

Why don't we get a shot of Monica
and the bloody soldier.

About that, Joey, you have
to change before the party.

- I can't. I don't have any other clothes here.
- Find some, please.

Anything that doesn't say,
"I died tragically in France."

- Fine!
- And be careful who you hug, okay?

My father's upstairs in tears
because you got blood on his dress.

Why don't we see the bride and
the groom, and the bridesmaids.

Hey, Mon, why'd you tell the guys
that you weren't pregnant?

- Because I'm not.
- We found your tests.

If you're not pregnant..

It's because I am.

What are you talking about?

Yes, I am with child.

I didn't want to say anything
because it's your day.

- I didn't wanna steal your thunder.
- So you told people I was pregnant?

Does this look like a conversation
I want to remember?

- Who's the father?
- Yeah.

I can't say.

- Why?
- Why not?

I can't say because he's famous.

Oh, my God. Who is it?

Phoebe, come on, you have to tell us.

Okay, okay, it's James Brolin.

James Brolin is the father of my baby.

As in Barbra Streisand's husband
James Brolin?

What?!

Well, he never said that to me.

Monica, if you step away,
we'll get Chandler and the bridesmaids.

How about just the bridesmaids?

I am the groom.
I was told it was a big deal.

- It is.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Thank you for that.
I can't deal with the stress quite yet.

Instead you told me
Monica was pregnant?

You said she was.
I didn't disagree with you.

Sneaky.

Smile, ladies!

- By the way, James Brolin?
- I know.

I could only think of two names:
him and Ed Begley Jr.

- Then I remembered he's gay, so..
- Ed Begley Jr. is not gay.

Really?

Congratulations!

Look who's married!
And just in time too, I hear.

What? Ross!

So if you've got this all under
control, I'm just gonna..

I just wanted you to know
that you have made us happier

You have given us more joy..

I'm not pregnant.

What?

I'm not pregnant.

Oh, well.

But I did still get married today.

Whatever.

Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me
great pleasure to introduce to you:

Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Bing.

- Before we go out there, I got a present.
- I'm not gonna put my hand in your pocket.

- No. I've been taking dancing lessons.
- What?

For the last six weeks. I wanted this
to be a moment you'd never forget.

That is so sweet.

So would you care to join me
in our first dance as husband and wife?

Yes.

- What's the matter?
- It's these new shoes, they're all slippery.

- Are you gonna be able to do this?
- Not well.

Well, the good news is,
I don't think anyone's looking at us.

So are you ready to talk about it?

No.

Now?

No!

- We'll talk about something else then.
- Thank you.

Who's the father?

Honey, I haven't told him yet..

So, until I do, I don't think
I should tell anybody else.

That's fine. That's fair.

- Is it Tag?
- Phoebe!

Okay, I'm sorry. I'll stop.

Is it Ross? It's Ross, isn't it?

- Oh, my God, it's Joey!
- Stop it. Okay?

I am not gonna tell you
until I tell him.

At least we know it's a him.

Oh, sweet Lord.

I'm sorry, okay?
I went down to the gift shop.

It was either this or a bathrobe.
What's more important:

The way I'm dressed,
or being with you today?

Honey, I'm not gonna even pretend
I was listening. Hey! Hey!

I'm Ross, I don't believe we met.
I'm Monica's older brother.

Hi, I'm Mona from her restaurant.

Hello, Mona from her restaurant.

Mona. What a beautiful name.

You think so?
I always kind of hated it.

Come on! Mona Lisa.

Mona...

Llegglachen.

The famous botanist.

Oh, no, she's..
Well, she's dead now, but..

Supposedly she was once
quite the hottie of the plant world.

Really?

- See, I never knew about her.
- Linda Llegglachen..

So, what table are you at?

Me too.

Good. Now there'll be someone there
who likes my name.

Yes, there will.

Guess what, Molly Gilbert. You've
just been bumped up to table one.

And if it's all right with you,
I'll take your place at table six.

Martin Llegglachen.

That's better. Now, just bend your arms
a little bit. Now look straight ahead.

This time I want you
to really put your ass into it.

Who's slippery now?

Isn't that just the best feeling?
Rubbing a fork on the bottom of your shoe?

Chandler, darling, look,
my date has finally arrived.

I'd like you to meet Dennis Phillips.
Dennis, this is my son, Chandler.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Dennis is a dear old friend..

And a fantastic lover.

Are my ears bleeding?

Don't mind Chandler.
He's always been shy.

Oh, you're right.

Bravo, Dennis.
Thanks for pleasing my mother so.

I'm so sorry I missed the ceremony.
I was stuck at auditions.

Yes, Dennis is directing
a new Broadway show.

I don't believe we've met.
Joey Tribbiani.

- Dennis Phillips.
- I've admired your work for years.

- You've done some really amazing stuff.
- Thank you.

If you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go get myself a drink.

I'll be back in a moment.

Okay. You stop.

Dennis Phillips. That's great.
How did you guys meet?

- Well, it's a funny story.
- Funny, "ha-ha"? Or funny:

Thank you. If everyone will please
take your seats, dinner will be served.

- I thought you were at table six.
- No. Nine.

See, before, when you showed it to me,
you held it that way..

Which was misleading.

Hello.

Will you see if your mom can give
my resume to Dennis Phillips?

Well, they've kind of locked themselves in
one of the men's room stalls right now.

Perhaps when they get out.

If I could get in a Broadway show,
then I would've done it all.

Film, television and theater.

The only thing left would be radio.
But that's just for ugly people.

- What size shoes do you wear?
- Eleven, 11??.

My shoes give me a problem on the
dance floor. Can I borrow your boots?

I don't really even know
where I left those.

- Those aren't 11 ??.
- Okay, fine, I'm a 7!

I have surprisingly small feet. But
the rest of me is good. I'll show you.

Who am I kidding?
I belong in radio.

- Can you believe Phoebe got pregnant?
- Let's not talk about that right now.

- This is so huge.
- Sure, but as big as your wedding?

Of course not. Nothing is.

Between me and you,
in this day and age..

How dumb do you have to be
to get pregnant?

Sometimes you can do everything right.
Everyone wears what they're supposed to..

And one of those little guys
just gets through.

- How?
- I don't know. Maybe they have tools.

Well, I talked to her, and she's
definitely gonna have the baby.

She said she's gonna
raise it on her own.

- Well, maybe that's really brave.
- Maybe.

I just hope she realizes how hard
it's gonna be.

Maybe she hasn't really thought it
through that much.

Well, there's a lot to think about.

How is she gonna handle this financially?
How is she gonna juggle work?

Does she realize she's not gonna have
a date again for the next, like, 18 years?

I don't know.

Are you okay?

I'm just thinking about Phoebe.
Poor, knocked-up Phoebe.

- Champagne?
- Oh, yes! Thank you very much.

That's actually how the French drink it.

Well, I just got off the phone
with my lover James Brolin.

- Oh, really?
- Apparently, he is married to some singer.

But he said he'd leave her for me.
And I said, "James Brolin, are you sure?"

- James Brolin said..
- Rachel's the one who's pregnant?

What?!

Why bother?

- How do you feel?
- I don't know how I feel.

This is all happening so fast. I have to make
all these decisions that I don't wanna make.

Someone just take this away from me!

- Calm down. Maybe you're not pregnant.
- What?!

When I got pregnant with the triplets,
I took that test, like, three times.

Yes. Maybe it's a false positive.
Are you sure you peed on the stick right?

How many ways are there to do that?

I'm just saying, don't freak out
until you're 100 percent sure.

All right, I'll take it again
when I get home.

I can wait until then.

Oh, this is such a good party.
How late does it go till?

- You gotta take it now.
- No, this your wedding.

You're not gonna be able to have fun
until we know. Do it as a present to me.

Okay, thank you.

- I'll run out and get you one.
- You girls are so great.

- Wait a minute. Who's the father?
- She won't tell us.

Come on! It's my wedding.
That could be my present!

- I just gave you peeing on a stick.
- See, this is why you register.

It was the chair again. Okay?
I'm not doing it!

Dad. Can't you go back to your table?

No. Apparently little Molly Gilbert is
enjoying her grown-up salmon en croute.

Look, I don't.. You know what?

- Would you like to dance?
- Sure.

Great.

- Dr. Geller.
- I wasn't farting!

A little game from our table.

Dr. Geller, will you dance with me?

Maybe later. Right now,
I'm about to dance with this lady.

Unless this lady wouldn't mind
letting you go first.

I'd be happy to.
You are very sweet.

Yes, I am.

In fact, let's try my special way.
You can dance on my feet.

- Sure.
- Yeah? Hop on.

Is the pretty lady looking?
Keep dancing.

And the world will never know.

Did you talk to Dennis about me yet?

I told him how talented you were
and all about Days of our Lives.

You don't tell a Broadway guy that!
Now he thinks I'm just a soap actor.

But you're not just a soap actor.

You are a soap actor
with freakishly tiny feet.

He has no idea
what kind of range I have.

Don't move.

It's like he's running
on tiny little pegs.

- Thank you.
- No, thank you, Miranda.

- Melinda.
- All right.

- How cute was that?
- Oh, were you watching?

Can I go next?

Of course you can. Hop on.

Okay, but I get to hop on after her.

- I am so gonna score.
- What?

I like your bow.

I'd like to propose a toast
to Monica and Chandler..

The greatest couple in the world,
and my best friends.

When I first found out they were
getting married, I was a little angry.

I was like, "Why, God? Why?
How can you take them away from me!"

But then I thought back over all our
memories together. Some happy memories.

And there were some sad memories.

I'm sorry.

And some scared memories.

And then I realized
I'll always be their friend.

Their friend who can speak
in many dialects..

And has training in stage combat
and is willing to do partial nudity.

To the happy couple.

- Thank you.
- That was very nice, Ashley.

- Can we do it again?
- No, no.

- So, is it my turn now?
- I'm next.

- That's okay, you can dance with her first.
- Are you sure?

- So, what's your name?
- Gert.

That's pretty.

What are you doing there, Gert?

Dancing on your feet
like the other girls did it.

Hop on, Gert.

- Why aren't you moving your feet?
- I'm trying.

Faster. You're not going fast enough.

Maybe I should stand on your feet!

So did you happen to catch
my toast up there?

- Oh, my God. That was for my benefit?
- There was a little something for everyone.

- I know you're casting for this new show.
- I don't think you're right for this project.

You're wrong.

Whatever it is, I can do it. If you
didn't see it up there, just try me.

It's an all Chinese cast.
Can you be Chinese?

- Well, I'm not proud of this, but..
- Oh, my God. Please don't!

- Ready to get back to the dance floor?
- Did it turn into sand?

- Come on, I love this song. You'll be fine.
- No. No, I won't.

Do you know why
I took all those lessons?

I didn't want you to be embarrassed
to be seen on the dance floor..

With some clumsy idiot.

Oh, sweetie,
you could never embarrass me.

Okay, you could easily embarrass me.
But it doesn't matter, all right?

I married you.

No matter what you do,
I'm gonna come home with you, okay?

So I'm gonna dance on my wedding night
with my husband. Come on.

But I'll tell you, that's the last time I
buy shoes at the Slippery Fun Shoe store.

Just try not to move your feet at all.

There you go.

- I'm gonna have you arrested.
- Why?

You stole my moves!

Oh, Chandler, you're quite the dancer!

- Thanks, Mrs. Geller.
- Oh, come on, you can call me Mom.

Really?

I will.

Sorry, Mom.

- How much longer?
- 30 seconds.

Thirty seconds, okay..

Did I miss it?

I want you to know that
if it's positive, we're gonna..

- I know. I know.
- You do. Okay.

It's time.

Go ahead, Rach.

Wait. You know what? I can't
look at it. Somebody else tell me.

It's negative.

- What?
- It's negative.

Well, there you go.

That is.. That's great.
That is really great, great news.

You know, because the whole..

Not being ready and, kind of,
the financial aspects, all that..

This is so just the way
that this was supposed to be.

Then, great.

God, this is so stupid.

How can I be upset
over something I never had?

- It's negative?
- No, it's positive.

- What?
- It's not negative, it's positive.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I lied before.

- Now you know how you really feel about it.
- That's a risky little game.

Are you really gonna do this?

Yeah.

I'm gonna have a baby.

I'm gonna have a baby.

I'm gonna have a baby!

- With who?
- No, it's still not the time.

I just didn't see the fast song coming.

Don't talk, we'll get you up to your
room, soak your feet. You'll be okay.

- Thank you.
- That is so sweet!

No, I mean it. There are so few
genuinely nice guys out there.

Tell me about it. I feel like I'm
holding down the fort by myself.

- It's Joey, right?
- Yeah.

Wait a minute! No!

I'm the nice one!

I'm the one that danced
with the kids all night. I..

How small are your feet?!