Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 9 - The One with All the Candy - full transcript

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Let me just straighten out
your helmet there.

- Thanks, Daddy.
- No, no. One daddy, two mommies.

- All right, it's all yours.
- Okay, okay.

There you go, there you go.

Wow, Ben's first big-kid's bike.
This is so exciting!

Oh, yeah, I remember mine.

It was my sixth birthday.
I went to the park...

and I got on it, and it bent.
- Yeah.

- I never had a bike of my own.
- What?

We didn't have a lot of money.



But the girl across the street
had the best bike.

It was pink, and it had rainbow-colored
tassels hanging off the handles...

and a bell
and this big, white wicker basket...

with those
plastic daisies stuck on.

That sounds like my first bike.

My dad gave me his old one.

- Did the girl ever let you ride it?
- No.

But she gave me the box
that it came in.

It had a picture of the bike
on the front.

So I would sit on it, and my stepdad
would drag me around the backyard.

That is so unfair.

Not really, I got
to drag him around too.

The One With All the Candy

Hey, what are you guys doing?



Making candy for the neighbors.

I'm sorry, who?

I'm gonna hang
a basket on the door.

When the neighbors walk by,
they can take a piece.

- But we don't know the neighbors.
- I do.

There's, let's see,
the guy with the mustache...

smokes-a-lot lady,
some kids I've seen...

and a red-haired guy
who does not like to be called Rusty.

Oh, I know that guy.
He also doesn't like it when you say:

"Back off, Howdy Doody. I'm engaged."

You got hit on by Firebeard?

See, this is exactly why
I'm making this candy.

We can get to know our neighbors.

Wouldn't it be easier
if we just moved?

Good morning!

- Somebody's in a good mood.
- Well, why shouldn't I be?

I have great friends.
I have a wonderful job...

Where you can make out
with your assistant.

It's not a big deal.

We stayed up all night creating a plan
so that us dating won't be a problem.

Oh, yeah? What's the plan?

We... We are not...

going to let it...

be a problem.

It took you all night
to come up with that plan?

Well, you know,
we did other stuff too.

Did you two...?

Oh, I don't sleep with guys
on the first date.

- Matt Wire, Mark Lynn, Ben Wise...
- Anymore!

Hi, Tag, I have a conference call
today, is that correct?

- Yes, at 4.
- Okay, thank you, that'll be all.

Wait, wait.

Did you see that?
He had no idea...

there was something
going on between us.

- I'd better get back to my desk.
- Okay, hard worker.

I'll put that in your evaluation.

- My what?
- You've been here for two months now.

And your boss is required to hand in
a performance evaluation.

But you know, there is one thing
that I have yet to evaluate.

- Are you serious?
- No, I've just always wanted to do that.

Can you help me clean this up?

- I'm excited to see if anyone ate my candy.
- Me too!

- You don't have to do that.
- Thanks.

The basket is totally empty!
The neighbors ate it all!

Well, either that or...

No. Not even Joey could eat that much.

Little refresher, popcorn shrimp night.

Joey!

Yeah?

- Did you eat all the neighbor candy?
- That was the plan.

When I got to it,
there was only a few pieces left.

They've come by all day.
They love it.

They love my candy?

- Oh, man, I gotta go make more.
- Hey, Mon.

Make some more lasagna too. Something
might have happened to a chunk of it.

Ross, the neighbors ate all my candy.

Mine stole my newspaper.

It's like a crime wave.

Pheebs, you got a second?

Sure.

Ever since you told me
about that bike...

I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I mean, everyone should have
a first bike, you know? So...

Oh, my God, Ross!

- You like it?
- I love it!

- Yeah?
- Oh, oh, God...

And I love you.

Not that way.

But the bike got you a lot closer.

Well, take it downstairs.

You know, give it a test drive.

Okay. Oh, my God.

My first bike!

Thank you for the best present
I've ever gotten.

You're welcome.

Oh, and Chandler's about to cry.

Am not.

Hey, dude, it's okay. It kind of...

got to me a little too.

I'm just so glad I
could make her happy.

Thanks. I'm glad I'm not alone on this.

- Yeah, you are.
- Yeah, you are.

Who is that?

Don't worry, I'm brave.

I... I am brave.

No, no, no, no!

Can you tell me who is there, please?

My name's Gary. I live upstairs.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Do you know what time it is?
- It's candy time.

My roommate says they taste
like little drops of heaven.

Oh, please.

Did you hear that?
"Little drops of heaven."

Four a. M.

So can I get some candy?

I am sorry, but some of us
have to get up early and go to work.

He does not know
that I am not "some of us."

- He can hear me, can't he?
- Yeah.

I'm sorry, but I'll put some out
in the morning.

Okay, I'll swing by later.

You live in this building?

Seems like I'd remember you.

Night, Gar.

Is there anybody in this building
that does not hit on you?

Smokes-a-lot lady.

Oh, wait, that is not true.

So did you read your evaluation yet?

No, it was marked "confidential."

I just sent it to human resources.

Please, you're kidding, right?
I wrote that one as a joke for you.

A joke they would appreciate?

I'm thinking, no.

- What did you say?
- I said you were a good kisser...

and that I liked your
teeny, tiny tushy.

No, not my tushy.

It gets worse.

About your initiative, I wrote:

"He was able to unhook my bra
with minimal supervision."

Under problems with performance,
I wrote, "Dear God, I hope not."

And then... And then I drew
a little smiley face.

And then a small pornographic sketch.

That is so sweet of you
to get Phoebe that bike.

When I heard the story,
I almost cried.

Almost cried, huh?

Hear that, Chandler? "Almost" cried.

Hey, you cry every time
somebody talks about Titanic.

Those two had only each other.

She really likes it, huh?

Oh, yeah. I saw her
walking it down the street.

She had these flowers in the basket.
It was so cute.

I saw her this morning,
walking it by the park.

Wait, she was walking the bike?

Both times?

- Hey, Pheebs.
- Oh, hi!

- Hey, so you enjoying the bike?
- Oh, so much.

Pheebs, you do know how
to ride a bike, don't you?

Of course.

Can we see you ride it?

Okay.

See?

I told you not to get
involved with your assistant.

There's no such thing as a secret
when it comes to affairs.

Did you hear that, Chandler?

No such thing.

What happened? I'm just eating candy.

Maybe it's not that bad. They might
not take it the way I meant it.

Absolutely, you know?
Because "tushy" can mean both ass...

and good worker.

I just gotta get the thing back.

Rach? That sketch you mentioned?

Might it have looked
a little like this?

Oh, my God, Joey!

- What is the matter with you?
- God!

This little talent came in handy
before I could afford porn.

Hi, I'm sorry. I know it's
after-hours, but I really need candy.

I'm sorry, I can't help you.
See? Rules are rules.

Please, I have people coming
from out of town today.

- I told them all about your candy.
- You're kidding.

Out-of-towners, huh?
What did you tell them?

I told them your candy
was absolutely indescribable.

Some people have said it's "little
drops of heaven." But whatever.

- Please, can't you help me out?
- Hey, Chandler, do we know that lady?

Isn't she the woman who lives
below you and has sex really loud?

All right, I'll do it just this once.

- But you can't tell anyone.
- Please, just give it to me.

Yeah, that's her.

- Thank you.
- Unbelievable!

I can't believe that sign didn't work.

You know what would work?
Stop making candy.

But they like it.

You mean they like you.

Maybe.

Is that why you became a chef,
so people would like you?

You want to talk about getting
people to like you, huh, funny man?

Just remember everything
I taught you, and you'll be fine.

Okay? Here we go.

Ready, set...

Wait, this seat
is really uncomfortable.

Maybe before we start
we should just get another one.

Perhaps like an airplane seat,
or a beanbag chair!

You can't get out of this.
You have to learn how to ride a bike.

Why? Why do I have to learn?

- Well, in case of an emergency.
- What kind of emergency?

Well, what if a man comes along
and puts a gun to your head and says:

"You ride this bike or I'll...

I'll shoot you."

I would ring the bell to distract him.

Then I would knock the gun away
with a Chinese throwing star.

Okay, Phoebe, just get on the bike...

and, hey, I'll hold you up
and push you. Okay?

You won't let go?

- No.
- You swear?

I swear.

- Okay.
- Come on.

All right, here we go. All right?

- All right.
- All right?

Feel good?
All right, try pedaling.

That's it, you're doing great.
Yes, take control.

Yes, yes, yes!

Oh, no!

You swore!

- I just thought you were doing so well.
- I am shocked. Shocked!

It's a legitimate learning technique.

Wow.

Hey, there's some people outside
asking about candy.

They'll just have to wait, won't they?
I only got two hands!

- Need some help?
- No, you don't know the system.

I don't need nobody messing
with the system!

By the way, the week before your
wedding, you may not see a lot of me.

Oh, hello, liar.

Look, I'm really sorry
I let go of the bike.

I could've been killed, you know.

I know, I know.

But can we please try it again?

I mean, you were so close, Phoebe.

Well, I would love to...

but the bike got stolen
and the police have no suspects.

- Phoebe.
- What?

What the hell?

You know what?

If you won't learn how to ride,
then I'm sorry...

I have to take it back.
- What? Why?

Because it's...

It'd be like you having this guitar...

and never playing it.

Okay, this guitar wants to be played.

And this bike wants to be ridden.

And if you don't ride it...

you're killing its spirit.

The bike...

is dying.

All right. If you care enough
to make up that load of crap, okay.

Great, great.

You're making the bike very happy.

Okay, Ross.

Please don't die!

To get the evaluation
before they see it...

we gotta get into Zelner's office.
He doesn't get in until 10.

But his assistant, Betty, comes in
early to eat breakfast at her desk.

- That's kind of sad.
- Yeah, well, Betty's kind of sad.

Which is why I believe I can lure
her away with these chocolates.

While I distract her, you go in.

- Got it.
- Let's roll.

Hello, Rachel. You got a minute?

Yeah, sure, Mr. Zelner.
For you? Anything. Minute.

Okay, great.

Abort the plan.

Actually, I'd like to speak
to both of you.

Okay.

Well, can we get you anything,
Mr. Zelner? Maybe some chocolates.

No, thanks,
but I'll give these to Betty.

So I read your evaluation of Tag.

Or to use his full name,
Tag "Sweet Cheeks" Jones?

Is something going on with you two?

Oh, my God,
can you imagine if there was?

I mean, what would happen exactly?

Well, I'd be forced to file a report.

I'd have to consult
with the legal department.

And your future at the company
would be in jeopardy.

- Well...
- Mr. Zelner...

I filled in that evaluation.

- Oh, no...
- Yeah, yeah.

I thought it would be funny.

You wrote that you have a cute tushy?

Yes. I have a weird sense of humor.

And I'm kind of strangely
proud of my butt.

It's kind of a risky joke, Tag.

What is this drawing?
I can't figure it out.

It's upside down, you gotta...
It doesn't matter.

It's not like I don't have
a sense of humor.

Hell, I even enjoy a naughty limerick
every now and then.

There's a time and a place.

Unless you have a limerick right now.

No? Okay.
Well, you've got my fax number.

I can't believe you did that.
That was sweet.

- Don't worry about it.
- You could've lost your job.

Are you kidding me? With this
cute butt, I'd find work.

Thank you, you're great.

- You know what?
- What?

I feel great.

In fact...

What?

It's just... It took me so long
to get that desk organized.

I'm sorry.

There it is.

What is going on?

We're waiting for the candy.
Bring out the candy!

Yeah, lady, give us candy!

Joey!

- What's up, buddy?
- What are you doing?

Waiting to get candy.

Get in here.

Hey, and you cannot smoke in here.

Merry Christmas.

The candy is coming! I need
another 15 minutes for it to cool.

All right, everybody, just be quiet.
Be quiet! Be quiet! Pipe down!

What is the matter with you people?

This woman was trying to do a nice
thing for you, and look at her.

She is a mess.

Her hair's not brushed. She's
got dark circles under her eyes...

chocolate on her face,
and she is still stunning.

She was making candy
so she could get to know all of you.

And I'll bet that not one of you
can tell me her name.

Am I right?

Candy Lady?

No, not "Candy Lady."

If we know it, can we have candy?

All right, you know what?

Forget it, you've ruined it.

Go home. You've ruined it.

That's all wrong! You guys
ruined everything. You ruined it!

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Did you smoke?

No, smokes-a-lot lady blew smoke
directly into my mouth.

Are you okay?

Fine, but it was
really scary for a while.

Someone slipped a threatening
note under the door!

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.
Mob mentality or whatever.

I can't believe it. I did it.
I rode a bike!

I never thought I'd be able
to do that. Thank you.

Oh, hey, don't thank me.
Thank yourself.

You're the one who faced your fears
and ultimately overcame them.

Don't be so corny, Ross.
It's not an After School Special.