Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 8 - The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs - full transcript

- Hey, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving.
- No, no, no.

What are we keeping Thanksgiving
a secret this year?

We're playing a game I learned.

You have to name all the states
in six minutes.

What? That's like insanely easy.

It's harder than it sounds.
You always forget one.

Or, in some cases, 14.

It's stupid and I wasn't playing against
people, so technically, I didn't lose.

You forgot 14 states?

Nobody cares about the Dakotas!

Okay, time's up.



All right, I got 48.

That's not bad. Pheebs?

I got tired of naming states, so I
decided to list the types of celery.

And I have one, regular celery.

So Rachel's got 48,
and Phoebe has the lead in...

vegetables. Joey?

Say hello to the new champ
of Chandler's dumb states game.

- Wow, how many you got?
- Fifty-six.

The One Where Chandler
Doesn't Like Dogs

Hey, how is New England not a state?

They have a sports team.

Does South Oregon have a sports team?

There you go.

How come we have
one extra place setting?



You invited your assistant.

Oh, right, sorry. Tag's not coming.

His girlfriend came into town,
so he's with her.

Why didn't you tell me?

I made him his own individual
sweet potato stuffed pumpkin.

I was going to,
but then I figured...

your food is so delicious
and perfect...

you can never have too many
of those pumpkin things.

You'd think I wouldn't enjoy that
because it is so fake, but I still do.

Regular celery!

I already have that.

Done...

with time to spare.

- This may be a new world's record.
- I hate to lecture you guys...

but it's disgraceful that
a group of well-educated adults...

and Joey, can't name all the states.

You ever see a map, or one of those
round, colorful things called a "globe"?

Magellan? You got 46 states.

- What? That's impossible.
- Forty-six.

Well, who's well-educated now,
Mr. I-Forgot-Ten-States?

I'm going to go turn on Joey's oven.

Please, watch him.
Do not let Joey eat any of the food.

I am only one man.

- Okay, time is up.
- Now, just give me another minute.

If you don't know them by now,
you will never know them, okay?

That is the beauty of this game.
It makes you want to kill yourself.

This is crazy. I can do this.

All right, I bet I can get
all 50 before dinner.

Okay, but if you can't, no dinner.

You're on.

Don't look at my list, because there's
a lot on there that you don't have.

Did you know your oven doesn't work?

The drawer full of takeout
menus is okay, right?

Ross, I'm gonna use yours.

Chandler, give me a hand.

Joey, do not let Ross look at maps
or the globe in your apartment.

Don't worry.
It's not a globe of the United States.

I'm gonna go out and take a walk.

Phoebe, why is your bag moving?

- Oh, it's not.
- Seriously, it's moving.

- What the hell's in there?
- It's just my knitting. That's all.

Yes, I knit this.

I'm very good.

Ross' apartment is nice.
How come we don't hang out here?

Maybe because it smells a weird.

It's like old pumpkins or something.

- That's my pie.
- Which smells delicious.

- Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
- What?

We left Joey alone with the food.

Yep, yep, I knew it.

There he is...

feeding stuffing to a dog!

Hi, Geller-Bing residence.
How can I help?

Why is a dog in our apartment?

I'm sorry, who's this?

There's a dog sitting on my couch.

Tell her I'm allergic, and I will sue!

- There's no dog here.
- Yes, there is!

He's black and white and shaggy.

He's sitting next to Rachel
and licking her hand.

Oh, my God! Where are you?

I'll be right there.

They're here already?
How are they doing this?!

Hi, Tag.
What are you doing here?

I wanted to see if your offer
was still good.

Well, sure. Come in.

Well, what happened
to your girlfriend?

We kind of broke up this morning.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, so she went back to Ohio.

Ohio, thank you.

Where's the dog?

What dog? There's no dog here.

Yeah, that dog left.

Wait a minute. I thought we
agreed to say... Your thing. Yeah.

Phoebe. Phoebe, open up.

There's no dog in here.

Well, the hiding-the-dog plan
is off to a great start.

Phoebe, we can hear the dog barking.

No, that's just me coughing.

Oh, good. There you are.

Listen, I have a dog in my room.

What is it doing here?

I'm watching it for friends
who went out of town.

Wait.

Hello, my name is Klunkers.

May I please stay
with you nice people?

I wish he could stay here,
but Chandler's allergic.

Extremely allergic, okay?

If I'm anywhere near a dog
for more than five minutes...

my throat will just close up.

That's odd. This dog's been
living here for the past three days.

Really?

If he's been here that long...

and you haven't had a reaction,
maybe you're not allergic to it.

It still has to go, right?

Why?

- Okay, it's...
- Don't do it!

- Don't do what?
- I have to.

Okay? It's time.

Okay, I hate dogs.

- What?!
- That's crazy? Why?

Told you.

They are needy...

jumpy, and you can't tell
what they are thinking...

and that scares me a little bit.

You're right. They are scary.

She just ate a treat out of my hand!

So you're not allergic? I mean, does that
mean you're not allergic to wool either?

You bought me
a pink turtleneck sweater.

The guy in the catalog pulled it off.

Wait. Do you not like all dogs?

I mean, not even puppies?

Is there a puppy here?

- You don't like puppies?
- Okay, you are new.

Look, Chandler, I told you. Never
tell anyone about this dog thing.

It's like Ross not liking ice cream.

- You don't like ice cream?
- It's too cold!

It's just that dogs make me
a little uncomfortable.

Hurts my teeth.

And I don't want you guys
to hate me...

but I don't think I can be around
that dog anymore, okay?

So either the dog goes or I go.

Oh, my God!

How can I not get this?

I'm a college professor.
I got 1450 on my SATs.

Twelve-fifty.

Damn, I forgot you were here.

We're gonna take Klunkers to Ross'.

We'll be back in a minute.

Before you go,
can I ask you a question?

When a guy breaks up
with his girlfriend...

what is an appropriate amount
of time to wait before you make a move?

I'd say about a month.

Really? I'd say three to four.

Half-hour.

Interesting.

When it's your assistant,
I'd say never.

All right, Rach, the big question is,
does he like you?

Because if he doesn't like you,
this is all a moo point.

A "moo" point?

Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion.

It just doesn't matter.

It's "moo."

Have I been living with him for too
long, or did that all just make sense?

Don't listen to Joey.

Okay, would you look at him?

He's obviously depressed.
He's away from his family.

What he needs right now is
for you to be his friend.

You're right. I'm sorry.
Thank you.

- Okay, that's what I'm going to do.
- Fine, take their advice.

No one ever listens to me.

When the package is this pretty,
no one cares what's inside.

Okay, I'm keeping my end of the deal.

Why is the dog still here?

- We're leaving.
- Okay.

- Come on.
- Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

I could pull this off, right?

- Hey.
- Hey.

How you holding up?

Not bad.

- I'm sorry about your girlfriend.
- Thanks.

- Were you guys together a long time?
- A year, on and off.

I kind of thought we'd end up together.
I don't anymore.

- Now that she broke up with you.
- Yeah.

It's weird.

I used to assume that I would meet
someone and fall in love and be happy.

That all that was just a given.
Lately, it's like, what if it's not?

Do you ever have that feeling?

No.

Yeah.

All the time.
Constantly. It's terrifying.

But, you know, then I figure,
it has to work out.

Why?

Because it has to.

- You really have all the answers, don't you?
- No, no, I do. I really do.

- Thanks for talking to me.
- Come on, what are bosses for?

Hug it out.

All right, he likes you back.

Told you, you should go for it.

What?

Street noise drown any of that out?

No? See you later.

Okay.

What did Joey say? I like you back?

You know... Well, see... He...

Joey knows that I'm very insecure
about my back.

And you were hugging me...

so, obviously, you are not
repulsed by it. Yeah!

- Wait, that doesn't make any sense.
- No?

All right, here's the truth.

Joey said what he said...

because I'm attracted to you.

Wow.

Yeah, I admit it.

I have a crush on you. I know that's
crazy because we work together...

and nothing could ever happen.

The last thing I wanted to do
was freak you out...

or make you feel uncomfortable.

Which is why it would be really great
if you said something right about now.

Oh, my God.
Those guys are stealing my car.

What?

Right there. That's my car!

- Hey!
- Okay, that's gonna take one minute.

Do you have anything else
you want to get off your chest?

I can't believe this.

We still have time to talk,
and they're not even in the car yet.

Look, there they go.

Okay, Phoebe.
We should probably go back now.

Please, don't leave me.
I'll be lonely.

Stop it. Stop.

- Okay, let's go. We can be strong.
- Yeah, okay.

Did you hear that?
She said, "Monica."

I can't leave her.

We could sneak the dog back in,
and Chandler wouldn't even know.

That's not gonna work.

I had that dog for three days,
and Chandler had no idea.

He's not so smart.

Hey. I didn't know either.

Yeah, but you kind of knew that
something was going on, didn't you?

Yeah, I knew.

Where's Chandler?

- Here I am.
- Wash your hands.

How did you know?

Hey, what's she doing back here?

Relax, Ross.
She's not made of ice cream.

Hey, look, Phoebe.
I laid out the states geographically.

We don't have time for this.
We have to keep him away from my room.

- Yeah, but, look what...
- This is what we do not have time for!

- Where's Monica?
- In Phoebe's room. You can't go in there.

Why not?

Monica's crying.

She's very upset
about this whole Klunkers thing.

- Well, I should go in there.
- No, no.

No, she doesn't want to see
you right now.

- Why not?
- Because you sent away the dog.

- That's ridiculous.
- Oh, is it? Is it?!

Look, when Monica and I were kids,
we had a dog named Rover.

And one day, my dad decides
he doesn't like dogs.

So Monica and her friend Phyllis...

take away the dog, and that was the
last time we ever saw him. See?

This is just like that...

only with a few details changed.

Okay, I'm in my sweatpants.

Bring on the food.

- What's the matter?
- Monica's upset because of Klunkers.

So? Bring the dog back.
You're a hero.

Yeah, I could be a hero.
I could do that.

What if it attacks me?

Chandler, it's like a big gerbil.

And that doesn't scare you?

Ross, you need some help?

From you?

Yes, please.

First of all, Utah?

Dude, you can't just make stuff up.

Okay, Klunkers,
come here, you big gerbil.

Klunkers.

Where's my Klunkers, my little...?

No, no, no.
I am not going to do that voice.

Klunkers.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Come back here,
you furry, little butt-sniffer.

Not you, ma'am.

I hate America!

When I finish this game,
I swear, I am moving.

- Tag still talking to the police?
- Yeah.

Damn it. Why did I open my mouth?

"I have a crush on you.
I'm attracted to you."

I know that I freaked him out.

If you said it like that, you did.

What was I thinking?

I work with this man.
I have to see him every day.

How'd this happen to me?

Oh, wait. That's right,
it was because of you.

All right, I think I can help you.
You wanna know what you have to do?

- Please, help me.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Now, you're gonna want to talk
to him about this, right?

But trust me, Rach,
that'll only make it worse.

You have to deny everything.

That conversation out there,
never happened.

Joey, I don't think that's gonna work.
It was a pretty long conversation.

There was no conversation.

Okay. Joey, I'm just gonna talk to Tag.

Who's "Tag"? There's no "Tag".

Okay. This conversation is over.

See? It works.

Hey, is Chandler here?

No, he went for a walk.

Okay, you cannot tell him,
but look who's back.

Well, no, no, no.

He went over to Ross' to bring
the dog back here.

Oh, no, the dog's not going
to be there!

You think?

Hi, honey.

Please, please, please,
don't be mad at me.

- What? Why would...?
- Wait and see.

Maybe we will, maybe we won't.

Okay, I went over to Ross' apartment
to bring back Klunkers for you...

and I left the door open,
and she must've gotten out.

And I looked everywhere, all over
the apartment, including the roof.

Which, FYI, Ross,
one of your neighbors, growing weed.

I couldn't find him...

and I am so, so, so sorry.

But I do know where we can all go
ease the pain.

We have good news. Look who's back!

Klunkers. Oh, my God!

- She came back all by herself.
- It's a Thanksgiving miracle.

It is so good to see you.

She came all the way back
from Ross' building.

The things she must've seen.

She climbed up the fire escape...

and she tapped on the window with her teeny,
little paw, and we ran to let her in.

I went too far, didn't I?

When should I have stopped?

Okay, maybe this is so hard
because there aren't 50 states.

Let me tell you something.
I have 49 states...

and there are no more!

I think I should be able
to eat something.

It's up to you.

- Oh, hi. How are you doing?
- I'm okay.

I gotta go down to the police station
and look at mug shots.

Thanks for having me over.

Tag, you're going?

We didn't even get a chance to talk.

So where did you say
you're from again?

- Colorado.
- What good are you?

Look, I think we should talk
about what happened on the terrace.

Okay.

I never should've said what I said.

It just doesn't matter how I feel.

We work together, so nothing could
really ever happen between us.

I would love to go to work on Monday
and never talk about this again.

Okay. Big day, Monday.
Lots to do.

So we okay?

I'm not.

I knew it. I freaked you out.

No, you didn't.

What freaked me out was you saying
nothing could happen between us.

- Really?
- Yeah.

So please don't fire me
for doing this.

That's one less thing
we have to do on Monday.

Delaware.

Delaware.

- All right.
- I want my turkey now.

You got it.

You got Nevada twice.

- I know.
- Yeah.