Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 7 - The One with Ross's Library Book - full transcript

- Morning.
- Hi.

How was your date?

- Pretty good.
- Oh, good.

My God. Sorry about that.

Okay, really good.

I gotta go. I'm late.

You're going to leave
her with me?

Don't worry,
she's a terrific girl.

Can you do me a favor?

Could you mention I'm not looking
for a relationship? That'd be great.

What, are you kidding?



Just casually slip it in, you know.
Lay the groundwork.

Tell her I'm a loner.
No, an outlaw.

She doesn't want to get mixed up
with the likes of me.

That's a lot to remember.

Can't I tell her that you're a pig?

I'm gonna call her later myself.

Honest.

Chandler used to do it.
He'd make her pancakes.

He'd make extras
and leave them for me.

I'm not telling her anything.
It's not my responsibility.

Fine.

Now, where did we land
on those pancakes?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Sorry, but I couldn't get
that lock to work.



Yeah, Joey kind of disabled it
when I moved in.

- You must be Rachel. I'm Erin.
- Hi.

I don't mean this to sound like high
school, but did he talk about me?

Would you like some pancakes?

The One With Ross's Library Book

- Come on. Why are we here?
- Okay, okay, take a guess.

The hot chicks?

Okay, okay, I was typing names
into the library computer earlier...

you know, for fun.

And I typed mine in,
and guess what came up.

My doctoral dissertation.

It's right down here in the biggest
library in the university.

Wow, that's actually pretty cool.

There's also a book here
by a woman named Wendy Bagina.

What is that?

Sounds like two people are really
enjoying the Dewey Decimal System.

We're so sorry.

You didn't bring me here to do that,
did you?

She sent the chicken back again?

She said it's too dry and wants
to explain to you how she wants it.

I'd like to meet this chicken expert.

Send the colonel in.

Oh, my God!

Lucky bastard.

- Janice.
- How are you...

Ms. Hotshot-Chef-at-the-Big-Fancy-
Restaurant-With-the-Best-Chicken-Ever?

I'm fine.

Oh, what is that on your finger?
I'm blind.

Somebody's been doing a little
cooking outside the restaurant.

So who's the lucky guy?

Funny story.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, who's your friend?

- Hey, Joey.
- Erin.

You're still here.

We ended up spending the day together
and had such a great time.

Why wouldn't you? Erin is great.

And then there's you guys.

Well, listen, I better get going.

Today was great. Thanks.

And, Joey, last night was fun.

Yeah. I'll call you.

- I'll call you too.
- Or I'll call you.

- And call me.
- Okay.

Look at that,
we're all gonna call each other.

Good to see you again.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

The system kind of broke down, huh?

Joey, I'm sorry. I just couldn't
tell her all those things.

And we got to talking, and I...

We want you to marry her.

What?

She is so amazing. You have no idea.

Who do you think brought her here?

Cupid.

She's so cool.
She speaks four languages.

Man, do you know what guys want.

Come on, she's so perfect for you.
She's sweet.

She likes baseball.
She had two beers at lunch.

My beers?!

Look, she's a very nice girl.

We had a very good time,
but I don't see it going anywhere.

You always say that.

Maybe if you gave her a chance,
it would go somewhere.

I'm sorry, you guys.
I just don't think so.

- Whatever.
- Fine.

Hey, don't start judging me.

You're in love with your assistant.

You're having an affair with the guy
who keeps pigeons on the roof.

Phoebe!

Secret affair.

What did I say?

Hey, cutie-cutie.

So I ran into someone you know
today at work.

Oh, yeah? Who was it?

Oh, my God.

I am so sorry, sweetie.

Are you okay?

You didn't tell her we're engaged?

- She saw the ring.
- Did she freak out?

She was shocked,
but then again, so were most people.

She actually has a boyfriend herself.

Name's Clark.

She also invited herself
to our wedding.

Clark too.

You said no, right?

You said no, right?

She cornered me. She asked me
if the wedding was in town.

- What was I supposed to do?
- Lie.

How hard is that?
"Your check's in the mail."

"Oh, your baby's so cute."

"I can't wait to read your book, Ross."

So she comes to the wedding.
Maybe it won't be so bad.

Think she'll sit quietly?
Think she'll want to make a toast?

You don't think she'll want
to sing "Part-Time Lover"?

Oh, my God. She's not gonna like
the chicken either, is she?

You know what? It'll be okay.

She's probably not gonna even
want to come.

- Really?
- No, that was a lie.

See how easy that was?

So you would have just lied?

Yes.

- It would have really been that easy?
- Yes.

Do it Saturday. We're having
dinner with her and Clark.

Hi.

What's wrong?

People are doing it
in front of my book.

I'm sorry?

My doctoral dissertation is in the
library at school. I went to see it.

And there were students making babies
right in the paleontology section.

Oh, my God.
Did you get to see anything good?

- That's not the point.
- I know that's not the point.

I'm trying to make it the point.

At your school...

was there a place on campus
where students went to fool around?

Yeah, there was.

In the corner of the library where all
the books were that nobody ever read.

Yes, there was.

Great, because people kept showing up.
I think it's like a thing.

Hold on a second.

Fifth floor, against that back wall?

Oh, for crying out loud!

- So we should go catch our movie.
- What's the rush?

I like to see the previews.

The candy.

- Oh, hey.
- Well, look who's here.

- Hey, Joey.
- Hey, Erin.

- Hey, Rachel.
- Hi.

We were about to take off
and see a movie.

- Oh, no!
- What's wrong?

Phoebe, we forgot that party
we have to go to.

Oh, no.

What party?

- A birthday party.
- A birthday party.

Whose birthday party?

- Alison's birthday party.
- Alison's birthday party.

And how old is Alison?

- Thirty-two.
- Thirty-two.

- I feel so terrible ditching you like this.
- No, that's okay.

Wait a minute.
Why don't you guys do something?

Look how that worked out.

- You want to catch a movie?
- Yeah, sure. That will be fun.

Guess I'll talk to you guys
after Alison's party.

- That, actually, might go late.
- I'll wait up.

Excuse me. Hi, I'm a professor here.

Do you know the paleontology section,
fifth floor, stack 437?

Well, yes.
Just give me five minutes.

I just have to find someone
to cover my shift.

No, no, no.

Can I speak to someone in charge?

How can I help?

Hi, I was wondering, is it possible
to increase security...

in the paleontology section?

I wrote a book that's up there.

And instead of reading it,
people are...

Well, they're rolling around
in front of it.

We are aware of the problem
you're referring to.

As far as increasing security,
I'm afraid the library's understaffed.

I can't help you.

Well, fine.

If I'm the only person
with any appreciation...

of the sanctity of the written word,
then I'll go defend it myself.

Don't you follow me.

- How did it go with Erin?
- Unbelievable.

We had the best time.

- So you're not mad anymore?
- No, no. You guys were totally right.

This was much better than
the first date.

That was awkward.
We were both nervous.

- Didn't you sleep together?
- Yeah, that calms me down.

And we have so much in common.

She loves sandwiches, sports.
Although she is a Met fan.

Not an issue now,
but if we had kids...

Oh, my God! Listen to you talking
about having kids.

Oh, my Joey.

Please don't get married before I do.

I just cannot believe
that Clark stood me up.

He may still show up.

What are you, stupid?

- It's been three hours.
- Is that all?

I just feel like such a fool.
I thought this guy was my soul mate.

I thought I was your soul mate.

What am I doing?

You know, let's just...
Oh, let's forget about Clark.

Let's go on to happier things.

Why don't you tell me
about your lovely wedding.

There was something that we wanted
to tell you about the wedding.

It's going to be a small ceremony.

Tiny.

We're not even sure
why we're having it.

It's actually going to be just family.

Oh, wait.

You two think of me as family?

I have to ask you something now,
and be honest.

Do you want me to sing
"Careless Whisper" or "Lady in Red"?

How can you say that?
The Mets have no closer.

- What about Benitez?
- What about game one of the series?

- What about shut up?
- You shut up.

I love arguing with her.

- Be right back.
- Okay.

So how's the second-greatest
love affair of the century?

Second? Who's the first?

Me and this muffin.
My God, it's delicious.

How's it going with Joey?

Oh, okay.

Okay?

Tell me that you like him, please.
I mean, tell me that you like him.

He's a really great guy, and I know
you really want this to work out...

but I just don't see this
having a future.

But you said that you liked him.
What happened?

Did you just change your mind?

- Kind of.
- Then change it back!

I'm sorry.
It's just, there's no real spark.

Didn't you sleep together?

Yeah.

Tramp.

Does Joey have any idea?

I don't think he does.
You know what?

Maybe you could tell him
I'm not interested...

in a serious relationship.

You mean, like,
that you're kind of a loner?

Yeah, that'd be great.

- And maybe that you're a real stronzo.
- I'm sorry?

I guess Italian isn't one
of the four languages you speak.

- Hey. Want to go?
- Yeah, let's go.

- Okay. See you guys later.
- Bye, guys.

Hey, thank you so much.

Wow.

I guess it wasn't cupid
that brought her here.

No, just a regular old flying dwarf.

Yes, yes? How can I help you?

We were just looking around.

Oh, you're fellow scholars.

What exactly were you looking for?

Perhaps Dr. Chester Stock's
musings...

on the Smilodon californicus?

Get out of here!

Meeting someone?

Or are you just here to brush up...

on Merriam's views on evolution?

Actually, I find Merriam's views
far too progressionist.

I find Merriam's views
far too progressionist.

I'm sorry. Who are you?

I'm a professor here. Ross Geller.

Ross Geller? Why do I know that name?
It's a...

Wait.

Did you write this?

Yes.

You're the person
who checked out my book?

You know, you look nothing
like I would have thought.

You're so young.

Well, I skipped fourth grade.

I am very, very sorry.

- So how was your date?
- Great. We walked around the Village.

We went to this ice-cream place.
Split a milk shake.

Seventy-thirty, but still.

I'm thinking of taking her upstate
to one of those bed and breakfasts.

Really? She said she wants to go?

No, it's a surprise. It's gonna be
tricky because she's busy at work.

- She said that?
- Yes.

Joey, don't you think maybe
it's kind of quick...

for you to be going away together
on a trip?

Not for me. No, I want to spend
as much time with her as I can.

Okay, honey.
Joey, we need to talk, okay?

I got the feeling from her...

that she's not looking
for a serious relationship.

- Where are you getting this?
- She told me.

She said she's kind of a loner.

- Joey...
- Hey, Rach, it's cool, you know.

I'm a loner too, right?

Hey, Joey. You know what?
You are way too good for her.

I promise, next time I will tell them
you're not looking for a relationship.

No, don't do that. Just...

- Next time, make sure she likes me.
- Well, that too.

Joey?

- Do you want some pancakes?
- Finally.

What are we gonna do?

I say we go with "Careless Whisper."

Chandler?

Did she see us yet? Did she see us?

Janice, what are you doing here?

I thought I was gonna go back
to my apartment...

but I just felt like I really
couldn't be alone tonight.

I was just wondering if I could maybe
stay here with you.

Just, I really feel like I need
to be with family.

Our kids are gonna call her
Aunt Janice, aren't they?

Please. Because otherwise,
I really don't know what I might do.

Aren't you just a teensy bit curious?

- Do you have any tissues?
- Yeah, in the bathroom.

We'll just let her stay.

No. If we let her stay,
she will stay forever.

- Kind of like your Barcalounger.
- Is that what you're thinking about?

I never stop thinking about it.

- What are we going to do?
- Nothing. We'll just have to let her stay.

We can't. We gotta fight!

Fight!

Chandler, she has beaten me.

I'm tired, Chandler.

So very tired!

Hey, you guys?

Do either one of you want to get
in there before I take my bath?

Janice, I'm sorry...

but you can't stay here tonight.

Why not?

Honestly?

Our apartment is a hotbed...

for electromagnetic activity.

Monica and I have been immunized,
but sadly...

you have not.

I'm gonna need a comforter.

Do you have a hypoallergenic one?
Because otherwise I get very nasal.

Do you have a cat?
Because it's already happening.

Do you hear that? Listen.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
You have to go.

Why?

Because Chandler still has
feelings for you.

He does?

Say again?

That's right. That's right.

And that is why you can't
stay here tonight.

And probably why you shouldn't come
to the wedding.

Feelings. Such strong feelings.

I mean, I realize that his feelings
may never completely go away...

but you can.

Oh, my God.

I understand. I am so sorry.

I'll go.

Goodbye, Monica.

I wish you a lifetime
of happiness with him.

Chandler.

You call me when this goes
in the pooper.

I got this section covered.

Yeah, in fact, I've got this baby
to shine in people's eye...

Okay, see you later.

I just wanted
to show Monica your book.