Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 3 - The One with Phoebe's Cookies - full transcript
Monica tries to figure out Phoebe's grandmother's secret cookie recipe. Meanwhile, Rachel tries to teach Joey how to sail, and Chandler has an awkward encounter when he tries to bond with Jack.
Hey, guys.
So, what do you think?
- About what?
- What?
Are you kidding?
Okay, I'll give you a hint.
Eyes. No, no. Your eyes! No.
Chandler's eyes!
I got glasses.
You always had glasses.
No, I didn't.
Are you sure?
Didn't you have a pair?
They were really round and burgundy,
and they made you look kind of...
- Feminine.
- Yes!
No.
I think the glasses look great.
You look sexy.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You didn't think I wore glasses?
Of course.
The One With Phoebe's Cookies
What do you want for
an engagement gift?
That's okay, we're not
having a party...
...so you don't have to get us...
If someone wants to give us a present,
we can't deprive them of that joy.
You should get them a
little CD player.
I already have one.
Unless someone borrowed it and
left it at the gynecologist.
Yeah, and by "someone"
she means Joey.
I know what I want!
- What we want, honey.
- No, you don't want this.
I want your grandmother's
cookie recipe.
You mean the chocolate chip
cookie recipe?
The one my grandma
made me swear on her deathbed...
...that I would never
let out of our family?
Dying people say the craziest things.
I've wanted it for years. I was gonna
make cookies for my children.
Break my heart. Oh, all right.
I'll be the mom who makes the
world's best chocolate chip cookies.
Our kids are gonna be fat,
aren't they?
Ahoy!
- How's the boat?
- I'm getting into this sailing stuff.
You finally took it out of the marina?
Why would I do that?
It took three guys
to get the thing in there.
If you don't sail it,
what do you do on it?
It's a great place to just sit...
...hang around, drink a few beers,
eat some chips.
It's good that you finally
have a place to do that.
I could teach you to sail if you want.
- You could?
- I've been sailing my whole life.
When I was 15, my dad
bought me my own boat.
- Your own boat?
- He was trying to cheer me up.
My pony was sick.
- You know what I was thinking?
- What?
Nothing, I just like to go like this.
- What are you doing tonight?
- Do you have a lecture?
- No, why?
- Then, free as a bird. What's up?
My dad wants to know if you want
to play racquetball.
Great! Dad must like you!
He doesn't ask just anyone to play.
He didn't ask for you.
He asked for "Chauncey."
I assumed he meant you.
Did you correct him?
No, I thought it would be
more fun this way.
Cool! Maybe you could
do this every week.
Or you could sit on the porch...
...and make sure no one
steals the trashcans.
He does that every week too.
Just so you know, you have to let
him win. He hates to lose.
Maybe I'll play with my left hand.
You're not a lefty?
Does anybody know me?
What's wrong?
I went to my old apartment
to get the cookie recipe...
...and that stupid fire burned it up!
No! Why didn't you make a copy
and keep it in a fireproof box...
...and keep it at least 100 yards
away from the original?
Because I'm normal.
That was the one legacy
my grandmother left me.
And I know you wanted it
as an engagement present.
We have to get you
an engagement present?
Don't worry about it.
No one got me an engagement present.
I don't have the recipe, but here.
I wish you health
and happiness.
An old cookie?
This is what happens when you
don't register for gifts.
I made a batch and froze it.
This is the only one left.
We can't accept this.
Why not?
Because it's gross.
No, wait. I think I can figure out
the recipe from this cookie.
I do this at work all the time.
- Really?
- I think so!
Okay, Ross, we owe you a present.
Two! I've been engaged twice.
Look at this clown.
He thinks he can take up the
whole river.
Get out of the way, jackass!
Who names their boat
Coast Guard, anyway?
That is the Coast Guard.
What are they doing here?
The coast is all the way over there.
Joey, just ignore the boats.
- We're not finished with our lesson.
- All right.
I'm gonna go over the basic
points once more.
Come on, Rach. I got it, okay?
I want to go over there...
...where that boatload of girls is.
Is that it? You want to give...
...a shout out to the hot chicas?
Okay, let's do that, Sailor Joe.
Quick question, though:
What's this called?
- Boat rope?
- Wrong!
How do you get the mainsail up?
Rub it?
No. What do you do if I say
we're coming about?
I say, "Come again?"
I know this one. I know this one.
Time's up. Now you're dead.
And deaf!
You go on and make your little jokes.
If you don't know
what you're doing...
...you will die.
Am I getting through to you?
- Yes.
- Don't just say yes.
This isn't a game.
You could get hurt out here!
Do you want to pay attention,
or do you want to die?
I want to make a
ship-to-shore call to Chandler.
- I definitely taste nutmeg.
- You do?
You don't? Well, that's
the difference...
...between a
professional and a layman.
That and arrogance.
Hey.
Hey. How was sailing?
I don't want to talk about it.
You could've at least saved
me a cookie.
Women are mean!
I can't believe that.
Now the only thing left
of my grandmother's legacy is...
...this crumb.
I wish you a long and happy marriage.
- Hey.
- How was it?
Well, I had a great time.
Chauncey, on the other hand...
I will tell the story.
It was going great.
I let him win, we were bonding...
...he even said I could call him Dad.
And what did he ask you
not to call him?
Daddy.
Look, here's the story.
We had just finished playing,
and we were gonna take a steam.
I walk into the room...
...and it's really steamy.
So I take off my glasses,
and that's when it happened.
Guys?
- Over here.
- Have a seat, son.
Hey!
- Oh, my God! I can't believe it.
- I know.
You gave my father a lap dance.
Why do they put
so much steam in there?
Because otherwise they'd
have to call it the "room" room.
Why?
Why did that have to happen?
Come on, it's not that big a deal.
Not that big a deal?
There was touching of things.
I know you wanted
to bond with my dad...
...but did you have to bond
to that part?
I'm sure Dad doesn't care.
He probably thought it was funny.
He'll be telling this story for years.
I don't want him to tell
this story for years.
Oh, but he will.
He still tells the story about how
Monica tried to escape from fat camp.
I wasn't escaping.
Then how'd you get caught
in the barbed wire?
I was trying to help out a squirrel.
You were trying to eat it.
If that is your father calling
to tell this story...
...then the marriage is off!
Come on. Hello.
I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.
I'll call you later, Dad.
I love you.
I'm off to see your dad.
Aren't you a little overdressed?
You better make sure
he tips you this time.
I figured I would try to convince
him not to tell the story anymore...
...and I figured the best way
to do that was face to face.
And by "face," I don't mean his lap.
And by "face," I don't mean my ass.
Are you getting Monica and
Chandler a present?
I don't know. You know,
they didn't get us anything.
Thank you!
Hey.
Well, hello.
So when are we getting
back out on the water, matey?
I don't know the boat way
to say this, but never!
Why not?
Because you're mean on the boat.
I was just trying to teach you.
Well, lesson learned.
Rachel is mean.
Yep, yep, yep.
I remember when she took me out
on her dad's boat.
She wouldn't let me help at all.
Excuse me, I wanted you to help.
But you couldn't move...
...because you were wearing
three life jackets.
You have to respect the sea.
Joey, I'm sorry if you thought
that was mean.
But I tell you, that was not mean.
My father is mean. He used to always
yell at me on the boat.
It was horrible.
I was being a really good teacher.
Does a good teacher say,
"Put down the beer, pinhead!"
Does a good student drink seven beers
during his first lesson?
Six and a half.
You knocked the last
one out of my hand, remember?
I didn't want you to get hit
by the boom.
Well, it hit me anyway.
It would have hurt a lot less
if I had finished that last beer.
I'm sorry. I will try to tone it down
and stop yelling.
No bossing me around?
- I won't boss you around.
- And be nice?
- I'll be nice.
- You'll be topless?
- Joey!
- You want me to learn?
Here's batch 22.
Maybe these are like your grandma's.
This has a bit of orange peel,
but no nutmeg.
Let's give it a shot.
I haven't made so many cookies
since 9th grade.
What for, a bake sale?
No, just a Friday night.
These are pretty good.
Yeah, but not as good as batch 17.
Which one was that?
The ones we had after
you almost threw up.
Oh, yeah, batch 17 was good.
I did not like batch 16.
I'm okay.
Any more from the good batch?
We could work off those.
I think there's one left.
Batch 16.
Sixteen, people, get out of the way!
Okay, Joey. You're doing really good.
I just need you
to step to the portside.
Remember talking about the portside?
Oh, yeah.
No.
It's left, sweetie, but that's okay.
That's a tough one.
Why not just say left?
Okay, go to the left.
The left.
Just sit over there!
You're yelling again. See that?
Oh, no, no. Very quiet.
Said with love, no yelling.
You know what? Since I'm here,
I'm gonna have a beer on the portside.
See what I did there?
We're luffing a little.
Can you tighten up the Cunningham?
You just said a bunch
of stuff I don't know.
Joey, come on!
We just went over this.
We did that when that bird...
...flew over with the fish
in his mouth.
Did you see it? It was gross.
I did not see the bird or the fish!
I did not see the piece of
Styrofoam shaped like Mike Tyson!
I did not, because I was trying
to teach you how to sail a boat.
Which obviously is
an impossible thing to do.
You're yelling, and I don't
see you taking your top off.
I quit!
- What do you mean? You can't quit.
- Why not?
You're not finished! I won't have it.
Greens do not quit.
Greens?
I'm a Tribbiani. Tribbianis quit.
Oh, my God.
I just said, "Greens don't quit,"
didn't I?
Did I say, "Greens don't quit"?
Yes! And you're still yelling at me.
No, I'm not yelling at you.
I'm just yelling near you.
Oh, God, Joey. I'm my father.
Oh, my God. This is horrible.
I try so hard not to be my mother,
I didn't see this coming.
I'm so sorry.
I just wanted you to learn.
I did learn.
- Really?
- Yeah, come on.
It's okay.
I know what a mainsail is.
I know to duck when
the boom comes across.
- I know port is right.
- Left.
Damn it!
What are we gonna do
with all these cookies?
Joey.
It would make my grandmother happy...
...that we're trying
to figure out her recipe.
I bet she's looking up at us
and smiling right now.
Looking up?
She was really nice to me,
but she's in hell for sure.
Well, I've tried everything.
I give up.
I'm not gonna be the mom...
...who makes the world's
best cookies.
I do make the best
duck confit with broccoli raab.
Kids love that, right?
Isn't there any relative
that has the recipe?
What about your sister?
No. I made a promise to
myself that the next time...
...I would talk to Ursula
is over my dead body.
And that's not happening
till October 15, 2032.
That's the day you're gonna die?
I've got shuffleboard that day.
That's what you think.
What about friends of your grandma?
Wouldn't they have the recipe?
I may have relatives in France
who would know.
My grandmother said she got it from
her grandmother, "Nestley Toulouse."
What was her name?
Nestley Toulouse.
Nestl? Toll House?
You Americans always butcher
the French language.
Phoebe, is this the recipe?
Yes!
Oh.
I cannot believe that I spent...
...two days figuring out that recipe.
It was here the whole time!
I know! You see,
it is stuff like this...
...which is why
you're burning in hell!
So you understand.
I'd feel better if you
didn't tell what happened.
I'm a little embarrassed about it.
I understand completely.
Nothing's scarier than embarrassing
yourself in front of your in-laws.
As a matter of fact, when I started
dating Judy, I was unemployed.
Her father asked me
what I did for a living.
I said I was a lawyer.
- What'd you do when they found out?
- They never did.
So if you ever see me giving them
legal advice, just nod along.
Shall we?
So, I guess we wear swimsuits in here.
Well, Joey, I hate to admit it...
...your way of sailing
is a lot more fun.
Why don't you give a pull
on that rope?
We're not sailing.
- Just pull on it.
- All right.
Sandwiches!
What else?
Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Oh, wow.
- What are you doing?
- Sorry.
Not like that. You're letting
all the good stuff fall out.
Careful!
You're wasting good pastrami!
Oh, my God. I'm my dad!
So, what do you think?
- About what?
- What?
Are you kidding?
Okay, I'll give you a hint.
Eyes. No, no. Your eyes! No.
Chandler's eyes!
I got glasses.
You always had glasses.
No, I didn't.
Are you sure?
Didn't you have a pair?
They were really round and burgundy,
and they made you look kind of...
- Feminine.
- Yes!
No.
I think the glasses look great.
You look sexy.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You didn't think I wore glasses?
Of course.
The One With Phoebe's Cookies
What do you want for
an engagement gift?
That's okay, we're not
having a party...
...so you don't have to get us...
If someone wants to give us a present,
we can't deprive them of that joy.
You should get them a
little CD player.
I already have one.
Unless someone borrowed it and
left it at the gynecologist.
Yeah, and by "someone"
she means Joey.
I know what I want!
- What we want, honey.
- No, you don't want this.
I want your grandmother's
cookie recipe.
You mean the chocolate chip
cookie recipe?
The one my grandma
made me swear on her deathbed...
...that I would never
let out of our family?
Dying people say the craziest things.
I've wanted it for years. I was gonna
make cookies for my children.
Break my heart. Oh, all right.
I'll be the mom who makes the
world's best chocolate chip cookies.
Our kids are gonna be fat,
aren't they?
Ahoy!
- How's the boat?
- I'm getting into this sailing stuff.
You finally took it out of the marina?
Why would I do that?
It took three guys
to get the thing in there.
If you don't sail it,
what do you do on it?
It's a great place to just sit...
...hang around, drink a few beers,
eat some chips.
It's good that you finally
have a place to do that.
I could teach you to sail if you want.
- You could?
- I've been sailing my whole life.
When I was 15, my dad
bought me my own boat.
- Your own boat?
- He was trying to cheer me up.
My pony was sick.
- You know what I was thinking?
- What?
Nothing, I just like to go like this.
- What are you doing tonight?
- Do you have a lecture?
- No, why?
- Then, free as a bird. What's up?
My dad wants to know if you want
to play racquetball.
Great! Dad must like you!
He doesn't ask just anyone to play.
He didn't ask for you.
He asked for "Chauncey."
I assumed he meant you.
Did you correct him?
No, I thought it would be
more fun this way.
Cool! Maybe you could
do this every week.
Or you could sit on the porch...
...and make sure no one
steals the trashcans.
He does that every week too.
Just so you know, you have to let
him win. He hates to lose.
Maybe I'll play with my left hand.
You're not a lefty?
Does anybody know me?
What's wrong?
I went to my old apartment
to get the cookie recipe...
...and that stupid fire burned it up!
No! Why didn't you make a copy
and keep it in a fireproof box...
...and keep it at least 100 yards
away from the original?
Because I'm normal.
That was the one legacy
my grandmother left me.
And I know you wanted it
as an engagement present.
We have to get you
an engagement present?
Don't worry about it.
No one got me an engagement present.
I don't have the recipe, but here.
I wish you health
and happiness.
An old cookie?
This is what happens when you
don't register for gifts.
I made a batch and froze it.
This is the only one left.
We can't accept this.
Why not?
Because it's gross.
No, wait. I think I can figure out
the recipe from this cookie.
I do this at work all the time.
- Really?
- I think so!
Okay, Ross, we owe you a present.
Two! I've been engaged twice.
Look at this clown.
He thinks he can take up the
whole river.
Get out of the way, jackass!
Who names their boat
Coast Guard, anyway?
That is the Coast Guard.
What are they doing here?
The coast is all the way over there.
Joey, just ignore the boats.
- We're not finished with our lesson.
- All right.
I'm gonna go over the basic
points once more.
Come on, Rach. I got it, okay?
I want to go over there...
...where that boatload of girls is.
Is that it? You want to give...
...a shout out to the hot chicas?
Okay, let's do that, Sailor Joe.
Quick question, though:
What's this called?
- Boat rope?
- Wrong!
How do you get the mainsail up?
Rub it?
No. What do you do if I say
we're coming about?
I say, "Come again?"
I know this one. I know this one.
Time's up. Now you're dead.
And deaf!
You go on and make your little jokes.
If you don't know
what you're doing...
...you will die.
Am I getting through to you?
- Yes.
- Don't just say yes.
This isn't a game.
You could get hurt out here!
Do you want to pay attention,
or do you want to die?
I want to make a
ship-to-shore call to Chandler.
- I definitely taste nutmeg.
- You do?
You don't? Well, that's
the difference...
...between a
professional and a layman.
That and arrogance.
Hey.
Hey. How was sailing?
I don't want to talk about it.
You could've at least saved
me a cookie.
Women are mean!
I can't believe that.
Now the only thing left
of my grandmother's legacy is...
...this crumb.
I wish you a long and happy marriage.
- Hey.
- How was it?
Well, I had a great time.
Chauncey, on the other hand...
I will tell the story.
It was going great.
I let him win, we were bonding...
...he even said I could call him Dad.
And what did he ask you
not to call him?
Daddy.
Look, here's the story.
We had just finished playing,
and we were gonna take a steam.
I walk into the room...
...and it's really steamy.
So I take off my glasses,
and that's when it happened.
Guys?
- Over here.
- Have a seat, son.
Hey!
- Oh, my God! I can't believe it.
- I know.
You gave my father a lap dance.
Why do they put
so much steam in there?
Because otherwise they'd
have to call it the "room" room.
Why?
Why did that have to happen?
Come on, it's not that big a deal.
Not that big a deal?
There was touching of things.
I know you wanted
to bond with my dad...
...but did you have to bond
to that part?
I'm sure Dad doesn't care.
He probably thought it was funny.
He'll be telling this story for years.
I don't want him to tell
this story for years.
Oh, but he will.
He still tells the story about how
Monica tried to escape from fat camp.
I wasn't escaping.
Then how'd you get caught
in the barbed wire?
I was trying to help out a squirrel.
You were trying to eat it.
If that is your father calling
to tell this story...
...then the marriage is off!
Come on. Hello.
I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.
I'll call you later, Dad.
I love you.
I'm off to see your dad.
Aren't you a little overdressed?
You better make sure
he tips you this time.
I figured I would try to convince
him not to tell the story anymore...
...and I figured the best way
to do that was face to face.
And by "face," I don't mean his lap.
And by "face," I don't mean my ass.
Are you getting Monica and
Chandler a present?
I don't know. You know,
they didn't get us anything.
Thank you!
Hey.
Well, hello.
So when are we getting
back out on the water, matey?
I don't know the boat way
to say this, but never!
Why not?
Because you're mean on the boat.
I was just trying to teach you.
Well, lesson learned.
Rachel is mean.
Yep, yep, yep.
I remember when she took me out
on her dad's boat.
She wouldn't let me help at all.
Excuse me, I wanted you to help.
But you couldn't move...
...because you were wearing
three life jackets.
You have to respect the sea.
Joey, I'm sorry if you thought
that was mean.
But I tell you, that was not mean.
My father is mean. He used to always
yell at me on the boat.
It was horrible.
I was being a really good teacher.
Does a good teacher say,
"Put down the beer, pinhead!"
Does a good student drink seven beers
during his first lesson?
Six and a half.
You knocked the last
one out of my hand, remember?
I didn't want you to get hit
by the boom.
Well, it hit me anyway.
It would have hurt a lot less
if I had finished that last beer.
I'm sorry. I will try to tone it down
and stop yelling.
No bossing me around?
- I won't boss you around.
- And be nice?
- I'll be nice.
- You'll be topless?
- Joey!
- You want me to learn?
Here's batch 22.
Maybe these are like your grandma's.
This has a bit of orange peel,
but no nutmeg.
Let's give it a shot.
I haven't made so many cookies
since 9th grade.
What for, a bake sale?
No, just a Friday night.
These are pretty good.
Yeah, but not as good as batch 17.
Which one was that?
The ones we had after
you almost threw up.
Oh, yeah, batch 17 was good.
I did not like batch 16.
I'm okay.
Any more from the good batch?
We could work off those.
I think there's one left.
Batch 16.
Sixteen, people, get out of the way!
Okay, Joey. You're doing really good.
I just need you
to step to the portside.
Remember talking about the portside?
Oh, yeah.
No.
It's left, sweetie, but that's okay.
That's a tough one.
Why not just say left?
Okay, go to the left.
The left.
Just sit over there!
You're yelling again. See that?
Oh, no, no. Very quiet.
Said with love, no yelling.
You know what? Since I'm here,
I'm gonna have a beer on the portside.
See what I did there?
We're luffing a little.
Can you tighten up the Cunningham?
You just said a bunch
of stuff I don't know.
Joey, come on!
We just went over this.
We did that when that bird...
...flew over with the fish
in his mouth.
Did you see it? It was gross.
I did not see the bird or the fish!
I did not see the piece of
Styrofoam shaped like Mike Tyson!
I did not, because I was trying
to teach you how to sail a boat.
Which obviously is
an impossible thing to do.
You're yelling, and I don't
see you taking your top off.
I quit!
- What do you mean? You can't quit.
- Why not?
You're not finished! I won't have it.
Greens do not quit.
Greens?
I'm a Tribbiani. Tribbianis quit.
Oh, my God.
I just said, "Greens don't quit,"
didn't I?
Did I say, "Greens don't quit"?
Yes! And you're still yelling at me.
No, I'm not yelling at you.
I'm just yelling near you.
Oh, God, Joey. I'm my father.
Oh, my God. This is horrible.
I try so hard not to be my mother,
I didn't see this coming.
I'm so sorry.
I just wanted you to learn.
I did learn.
- Really?
- Yeah, come on.
It's okay.
I know what a mainsail is.
I know to duck when
the boom comes across.
- I know port is right.
- Left.
Damn it!
What are we gonna do
with all these cookies?
Joey.
It would make my grandmother happy...
...that we're trying
to figure out her recipe.
I bet she's looking up at us
and smiling right now.
Looking up?
She was really nice to me,
but she's in hell for sure.
Well, I've tried everything.
I give up.
I'm not gonna be the mom...
...who makes the world's
best cookies.
I do make the best
duck confit with broccoli raab.
Kids love that, right?
Isn't there any relative
that has the recipe?
What about your sister?
No. I made a promise to
myself that the next time...
...I would talk to Ursula
is over my dead body.
And that's not happening
till October 15, 2032.
That's the day you're gonna die?
I've got shuffleboard that day.
That's what you think.
What about friends of your grandma?
Wouldn't they have the recipe?
I may have relatives in France
who would know.
My grandmother said she got it from
her grandmother, "Nestley Toulouse."
What was her name?
Nestley Toulouse.
Nestl? Toll House?
You Americans always butcher
the French language.
Phoebe, is this the recipe?
Yes!
Oh.
I cannot believe that I spent...
...two days figuring out that recipe.
It was here the whole time!
I know! You see,
it is stuff like this...
...which is why
you're burning in hell!
So you understand.
I'd feel better if you
didn't tell what happened.
I'm a little embarrassed about it.
I understand completely.
Nothing's scarier than embarrassing
yourself in front of your in-laws.
As a matter of fact, when I started
dating Judy, I was unemployed.
Her father asked me
what I did for a living.
I said I was a lawyer.
- What'd you do when they found out?
- They never did.
So if you ever see me giving them
legal advice, just nod along.
Shall we?
So, I guess we wear swimsuits in here.
Well, Joey, I hate to admit it...
...your way of sailing
is a lot more fun.
Why don't you give a pull
on that rope?
We're not sailing.
- Just pull on it.
- All right.
Sandwiches!
What else?
Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Oh, wow.
- What are you doing?
- Sorry.
Not like that. You're letting
all the good stuff fall out.
Careful!
You're wasting good pastrami!
Oh, my God. I'm my dad!