Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 23 - The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding: Part 1 - full transcript

Do you realize this is the
last time we'll be here...

as six single people?

What's happening to the coffeehouse?

From now on, it's you four
and me and the missus.

The little woman. The wife.
The old ball and chain.

- Old?
- The young, hot ball and chain.

- Much better.
- We gotta go.

- Where?
- Get the dress and lunch with Mom.

Joey, you too?

I just heard "lunch."

Yeah, I can go. Sure.



Actually, I'm glad they're leaving.

I need to talk to you
about something.

- What's up?
- This may be a little awkward.

If you need money, it's a bad time.
I'm buying 128 dinners tomorrow.

No, it's not that.

I'm not gonna say this
as your friend...

but as Monica's older brother.

- But you're still my friend?
- Not for a few minutes.

- Right now, are you still my best man?
- No.

Do I still call you Ross?

You guys are getting married,
and I couldn't be more thrilled.

But as her older brother,
I have to tell you this:

If you ever hurt my little sister...

if you ever cause her
any unhappiness of any kind...



I will hunt you down...

and kick your ass.

What? I'm serious.

- Dude! Stop it! I'm not kidding.
- I hear what you're saying...

and thanks for the warning.

No problem.

Are we friends again?

Yeah.

You won't believe what Monica's
brother just said to me!

The One With Monica
and Chandler's Wedding

What you doing, Mon?

I'm listing things that
could go wrong at the wedding.

So I can be prepared.

- What are they?
- So far, the dresses won't get picked up...

my veil gets lost
or I don't have something blue.

I'm responsible for all those.

I had to go with the odds.

Remember that audition I had a
while ago and I didn't get the part?

- The commercial?
- That play?

That other play?

- The movie?
- Yes!

The one about the dog
who flies planes?

No. But, man, that one hurt.

- This is the one about WWI soldiers.
- Oh, yeah.

Back then we called it
"The Great War."

It really was.

The guy they wanted backed out!
I start shooting today!

Congratulations!

- Today's the rehearsal dinner.
- I'll be done by then.

Oh. Then way to go,
you big movie star!

See you. I'm off
to fight the Nazis.

Wait, Joey. We fought the Nazis
in WWll, not WWI.

Who was in WWI?

Go ahead.

You're gonna be late! Go! Go!

Who did we fight in WWI?

- Mexico?
- Yes. Very good.

- Hey, Joey. We're ready.
- Yeah, me too.

Richard, we're ready for you.

Joey Tribbiani, this is Richard Crosby.
He's playing Vincent.

- I'm acting with you?
- Nice to meet you.

I can't believe this. This is incredible.
You just won an Oscar.

No, I didn't.

I think you did.

I think I lost, three times.

- Cookie? Would you...?
- No.

We're about an hour away
from getting the scene lit.

- Can you guys run it a couple times?
- Yeah, sure.

All right. Let's do it.

And... Action!

- We have to find the platoon!
- Forget it, the platoon is gone!

- What?
- The platoon's dead! Face facts, Tony!

What'll we do?
We have no reinforcements or food.

There's food in the basement.
Potatoes and some pasta.

Hang on.
Joey, you keep touching your face.

Something wrong?

No. No.

I thought it might be
a cool character thing.

He's a face toucher.

I don't think so.

Let's take it back
to Richard's last lines. Action!

We may not have weapons,
but we still have food.

Potatoes, pasta...

and a few tins of tuna!

Honey, we gotta go!

Here's a question
you never want to ask:

Can my dad borrow one of your
pearl necklaces?

Did he say what kind of neckline
he's wearing?

No.

I just met him once,
but I'm guessing...

plunging?

He is more of a if-you've-got-it-
flaunt-it kind of father.

Let me see if Rachel has anything.

Yes, include more people in this.

Do you realize that at this time tomorrow
we're gonna be getting married?

I have a date tomorrow night.

- I can't believe we made it.
- Don't sound so surprised.

I'm sorry, but...

- Nothing.
- What?

Well, honestly?
Ever since we got engaged...

I've been waiting for something
to flip you out.

Honestly? Me too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I think that something
will come up and I'll go all...

Well, Chandler.

- But nothing has.
- I'm so glad.

Thank you for staying
so calm during this.

It's made me stay calm.

I could've been worse.

I'll be right there.

If you're calling before Saturday,
you've reached Monica and Chandler.

But if you're calling after Saturday,
you've reached Mr. And Mrs. Bing.

Please leave a message
for... the Bings!

Hey, Maureen! Hi!

- This is my cousin, Maureen.
- We're the Bings.

Hi! You guys look so beautiful.

Mr. And Mrs. Bing!

Monica.

So you know, I had my
"older brother" talk with Chandler.

What is that?

I told him that if he ever hurt you...

I would hunt him down
and kick his ass.

What is the matter with everybody?
I'm serious.

I would kick his ass!

Ross, please, my makeup!

- Chandler.
- Mom.

Thanks for wearing... something.

This is so exciting! I thought we
screwed you up too much for this.

Just think, soon there will be
lots of little Bings.

I can't believe I'm going back to work
to get spit on again.

You're lucky. At least the people
that spit on you are famous.

- Who spits on you?
- I don't want to talk about work.

Mrs. Bing? These are my parents,
Judy and Jack Geller.

- It's lovely to meet you.
- Are you his mother or father?

Jack!

What? I've never seen one before.

Dad, there's Ross.
Go talk to him.

I wasn't even able to act
like I'm okay with it.

Hello, all.

Hi... Dad.

Hi, Mr. Bing.

- Nora.
- Charles.

- It's so great to see you both here.
- Yes.

Although we may be seeing
too much of some people.

Aren't you a little old
to wear a dress like that?

Don't you have a little too much penis
to wear a dress like that?

Oh, my God.

Of course you can kick his ass, son.

You could kick anyone's ass
you want to.

Thanks, you guys.

- Rach, Rach?
- Yeah?

Talk to Chandler's dad and
keep him away from Chandler's mom.

- But I don't know what he looks like.
- He's the man in the black dress.

Hi! I'm Rachel,
a friend of Monica and Chandler's.

- I'm Amanda.
- Oh, I get it.

"A man, duh!"

Could I have your attention?

- I'm Ross Geller.
- Dr. Ross Geller.

Dad, please. As I was saying...

I'm Dr. Ross Geller.

And I'm the best man.

And I have to say, I'm a little
surprised we're all here today.

For those of you
who don't know Chandler...

he's not the biggest fan
of relationships.

In fact, I think
before he met Monica...

the only real relationship he
had was with a girl named Molly.

And he would've married her,
only she couldn't control her bladder.

It was his dog.
Did I say it was his dog?

Any... Anyway...

This marriage is
doubly special for me...

because not only is the groom
my best friend...

but the bride is my little sister.

She's the greatest sister
a guy could ask for.

Please join me in raising a glass...

to the couple we're
here to celebrate.

- To the Bings.
- To the Bings!

How cool is it that the next time you see
Chandler you'll be walking down the aisle?

I can't believe that after tomorrow
it's all gonna be over.

Honey, it's not gonna be over.
You're gonna be married to Chandler.

Maybe I can wear the
dress for Halloween!

I'm gonna steam my dress.

Who will make sure nothing
happens to it?

- I'll do it.
- Who wants it? Anybody?

- I said, I'll do it.
- Nobody?

- All right, I'll do it myself.
- I'm not gonna screw it up.

You're right. I'm sorry.
You were a big help tonight.

Thanks for helping my grandmother
get to the hotel safely.

- Of course! That's what I'm here for.
- Okay. Sorry.

What grandmother?

- Where have you been?
- Taking my parents to the hotel.

- Going back to work?
- Yeah.

- Nice shades.
- Thanks.

I figure if I wear these in my scenes,
I won't get spit in my eyes.

And, if I remember correctly,
Ray-Ban was the official sponsor of WWI.

Great! All right!

- I'll see you later.
- All right.

- Where's Chandler?
- I think he's in Rachel's room.

Chandler?

- Is Monica here?
- She's steaming her dress. Why?

- I think Chandler's gone.
- What?

- He left that.
- "Tell Monica I'm sorry."

Oh, my God.

What's up?

"Tell Monica I'm sorry."

Tell her yourself.

Oh, my God.
Chandler just left, though?

Maybe it's not what we think.
Maybe it's:

"Tell Monica I'm sorry
I drank the last of the milk."

Or "Tell Monica I'm sorry I used
her tweezers to pluck my nose hair."

He does that. I've seen him.

Or maybe he was writing to tell her
that he's changed his name:

"Tell Monica I'm Sorry."

- It means he freaked out and left!
- Don't be so negative!

Good God, isn't it possible that
"Sorry" is sitting in there right now?

Phoebe, I think Ross is right.
What are we gonna do?

I'm gonna have to go find him
and bring him back.

You make sure Monica
does not find out, okay?

But if you don't find him
and bring him back...

I am gonna hunt you down
and kick your ass!

I will find him.

Well, the dress is done.

What?

We're just so happy for you.

That's so sweet!

Can we just take a minute and talk about
the man I'm gonna marry tomorrow.

I mean, how lucky am I?

That's a good question.

I just hope that someday
you guys find someone like Chandler.

I hope we find someone exactly
like Chandler and soon.

Joey? Can you
go through these lines with me?

Oh, man, they just re-did my makeup.

- Just the last two pages.
- All right.

I found the picture!

Picture? What picture?

The picture of my wife
I found in your pack.

- Could you lower the script?
- I don't want to.

I need to see your face
so I can play off your reaction.

Okay, look.

I know you're great
and play all those Shakespeare guys...

but you're spitting
all over me, man.

- Of course I am!
- You know you've been spitting?

That's what real actors do.

Enunciation is the mark
of a good actor.

And when you enunciate, you spit!

Didn't know that.

Thanks. Okay, check it out.

Picture? What picture?

- Gunther, have you seen Chandler?
- No, I haven't seen him.

- Damn.
- He's getting married tomorrow, right?

Yes. Don't worry.
Everything's fine.

- We'll see you tomorrow at the wedding.
- I wasn't invited.

Then we'll see you
the day after tomorrow.

Mom? Dad?

What are you doing here?

We thought we'd see what
the fuss is all about.

- I see why the girls like coming here.
- Why?

The sexy blond behind the counter.

- Gunther?
- She just added him to her list.

- What? Your list?
- Of people we're allowed to sleep...

I know what the list is.

Come on, sit down.
Have a cup of joe.

Dad, I can't. I'm sorry.

If you see Chandler,
tell him I'm looking for him.

And if you see Rita Moreno,
let her know I'm looking for her.

Action!

I found the picture!

What picture?

The picture of my wife, in your pack!

You went through my personal property?

Why do you have a picture of Paulette
in your pack?

Because, Vincent, we were lovers...

for two years!

Cut! Wonderful!

Great scene!

You were awesome. In that
last speech, you soaked me.

- Tomorrow's call sheet.
- I'm not working tomorrow.

- You are now.
- No, you gotta get me out of it.

I have plans. Important plans!

- Ross said still no word from Chandler.
- Oh, man.

But they found the grandmother
wandering down 5th Avenue.

Okay, well, there's one down.

I'm getting married today!

I cracked a rib, but I don't care.
Today's my wedding!

My day is finally here!

She might not even notice he's gone.

I'm gonna start getting ready!

We can't let her start getting ready.
This is too awful!

But she'll be in the gown
and then he won't show up...

then she'll have
to take off the gown...

Stop it. You can't do this here.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's just so sad.

Pull it together.
She can't see you like this.

- She'll know something's wrong.
- I know. I know. Oh, God!

There's no tissue.

Can you grab me some toilet paper?

Oh, that's gone too.
This is Monica's bathroom, right?

- I found one.
- Okay.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Oh, God.

Can I have another one?

Sure.

Do you need some floss?

I can't imagine what will happen
if he doesn't show up.

Here's a whole bunch.

She'll be at the wedding waiting...

and people will be whispering,
"Oh, that poor girl."

Then she'll have to come back here
and live alone.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

There was a pregnancy test in the
garbage. And it's positive.

Monica's pregnant.

So I guess she won't be totally alone.

Oh, my God!

I know. Monica's gonna have a baby!

Can this count as her "something new"?

Oh, my God.

Do you think this is why
Chandler took off?

She had to have just taken that test.
I took out the trash last night.

It's turning into
the worst wedding ever.

The bride's pregnant, the groom's
missing and I'm still holding this.

Phoebe, we cannot tell anyone
about this.

- Right. Yeah.
- Okay?

Hey, wait. Do you know
what kind of birth control she uses?

No. Why?

Just for the future.
This is hardly a commercial for it.

Anything?

No. I talked to Joey on the set.
He hasn't heard from him.

I talked to Chandler's parents again.

You said he was missing?

No. I made it seem
like I called to chat.

Pretty sure they both think
I'm interested in them.

- We've got to tell her he's gone.
- No, we can't.

She'll start getting ready soon.

Can't you stall her? I'll go back
to the places I went last night.

How much time?

How long before she absolutely
has to start getting ready?

- One hour.
- Give me two.

Then why do you ask?

- Wish me luck.
- I'm going with you.

Why?

You're tired. You looked all night.
And, clearly, you suck at this.

I have documented night blindness.

No, you don't!

Okay. But I don't suck!

See you later.

Do you know how
you're gonna stall her?

Because she is insane
about her schedule today.

- I'll figure something out.
- Okay, good luck.

I thought we'd start with my makeup
and then do my hair.

Okay. But before you do that,
I need you to talk to me.

About what?

I'm never gonna get married!

You will. The right guy's
just around the corner.

Okay, are we done with that?

No, I'm serious.

Maybe I should just forget about it.
Become a lesbian or something.

Any woman would be lucky to have you.

Maybe I'd feel better
if I slept with Joey.

Rachel? Are you okay?

Excuse me, Aaron? I have
a little problem with the schedule.

I wasn't supposed to work today.
I have a wedding that I have to be at.

It's my best friend's
and I'm officiating...

so I really can't work past 4.

You've gotta stay until the end.
We can't stop filming just for you.

It's not like it's your wedding.

It is my wedding.

Did I not make that clear?

You said your best friend
is getting married.

Yeah, to me.

Yeah, I'm marrying my best friend.
Isn't that beautiful?

- But you said you were officiating.
- Yeah.

- Your own wedding?
- Happens more than you think.

I'm sorry, Joey. It's still no.

I'm having surgery.

What?

I made up the stuff about the wedding
because I didn't want you to worry.

But I'm having surgery today.

What kind of surgery?

Transplant.

But you're supposed to work on Monday.

Hair transplant.

But you're not bald.

It's not on my head.

There's nothing I can do.
You'll probably be out by 4 anyway.

We've just got one short scene, it's
just you and Richard and he's a pro.

You'll be fine.

Morning, Richard.

Hey, you're here! Great!
Let's go, buddy!

We got a scene to shoot!

I'm wearing two belts.

- Are you drunk?
- No.

Yes, you are!

All right.

We are never gonna find him.
He's one guy in a huge city.

Oh, my God. Is that him?

That is an old Chinese woman.

He could be in disguise, you know.

You know what? You're right.
You're absolutely right.

Wait a minute.

Chandler!

Now you're thinking.

Maybe we're just approaching
this all wrong.

If you're Chandler
and you want to hide...

where is the last place on Earth
people would think you'd go?

So this is your office.

How'd you guys find me?
I knew I should've hid at the gym.

- What the hell are you doing?
- Panicking.

And using the Internet to try to prove
that I'm related to Monica.

- How is she?
- She doesn't know you're gone.

And she doesn't have to know.
Come on, we're going home.

- I can't do that.
- Why not?

Because if I go home,
we're gonna become the Bings.

I can't be the Bings.

What's wrong with it?

The Bings have horrible marriages.

They yell, they fight...

and they use the pool boy
as a pawn in their sexual games.

Have you ever put on a black dress
and asked me up to your hotel room?

- No.
- Then you are neither of your parents.

It's not just their marriage.
Look at yours. Look at everybody's.

Only Paul Newman
can make marriage work.

And I've met me.
I am no Paul Newman.

I don't race cars or make popcorn.
None of my proceeds go to charity.

But look, Chandler...

right now no one has
a lower opinion of you than I do.

But I totally believe you can do this.

I want to. I love her so much,
but I'm afraid...

This is too huge.

You're right. It is huge.

So why don't we take it
just a little bit at a time.

Forget getting married for a sec.
Just forget about it.

Can you just come home
and take a shower?

Well, yeah. But then...

We're just gonna go home
and take a shower.

That's not scary, right?

Depends on what you mean by "we."

- All right!
- There he is!

Good old Chandler
with the homophobic jokes.

So, what do you say?

I'll shower,
but I won't promise anything.

Okay, that's all we're talking about.
Okay? Come on, let's go home.

Who's Mike Smith?

I was sure this was my office.

The nights are the hardest.

But then the day comes...

and that's every bit as hard
as the night.

- Then the night comes again...
- The days and nights are hard, I get it!

I have to start getting ready.
I'm getting married today.

I know. At dusk.

That's such a hard time for me.

I'm gonna put my makeup on.
We have to be at the hotel in an hour.

- Wait!
- What?

Let's go to lunch!

I can't go to lunch!

Right.

Oh, good God, I've fallen down.

What's going on?

All right, honey, listen.

When I tell you what I'm about to
tell you, I need you to remember...

that we are all here for you
and that we love you.

Okay, you're really freaking me out.

We can't find Chandler...

's vest.

We can't find Chandler's vest.

How can that be?
Wait, are you serious?

Found the vest.

We'll have to keep an eye on it,
make sure we don't lose it again.

Okay, don't scare me like that, okay?

For a minute, I was like,
"Oh, my God! The worst has happened!"

I would sooner die in this hellhole
than see her back with you!

That can be arranged.

- Let's reset.
- What?! He got me!

Let's take it from there.

Are you a little off today?
It's going terribly slowly.

Look, my best friends are getting
married in, like, an hour, okay?

And I'm the minister.
Please, can you pull it together?

Of course. I'm sorry. I'd hate you to miss
anything like that on account of me.

- I can do this.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Still rolling. And, action.

I would sooner die in this hellhole
than see her back with you!

That can be arranged!

Slippery little bugger!

So you two were married, huh?

What happened, you just drift apart?

Do you remember our wedding day?

Did you know I slept with the best man?

Yes, he told me.

At least I think that was what he said.

It was difficult to understand
with his legs wrapped around my head.

Here comes the bride.

Oh, my God, Monica!

I want to wear this every day.

You look so beautiful.

I'm so happy for me.

- Hello?
- Did Chandler show up yet?

- We got him back. Everything's fine.
- Damn it!

- Where are you?
- I'm still on the set.

The wedding is in less than an hour.

I know. I'm sorry. The guy's drunk.
They won't let me go until we get this.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna
have to find another minister.

No, I'm the minister!

Look, put them both on the phone,
I'll marry them right now.

Joey, I have to go.

Don't hang up on me! I'll marry you
and me right now! I have the power!

There you go! You put on a tuxedo!

That wasn't scary, was it?

No.

I'm telling you,
just a little bit at a time.

What's the next little bit?

Getting married.

You can do that too.
Just like you've done everything else.

Yeah, you're right. I can do that.

- Excuse me for a minute.
- Where you going?

I'm not gonna run away again.
I just want some fresh air.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Oh, fresh air!

- Cover for me.
- Maybe you're overreacting. You do that.

We gotta do something.

Joey won't make it, so I'll look around
the hotel for other weddings.

Don't tell them Monica's pregnant,
because they frown on that.

Okay.

Anastassakis Papasifakis wedding.
Excellent.

Congratulations.

Mazel tov.

Hi! Oh, great hat.

I need you to perform another wedding.
Can you do that?

I don't know.
Are they Greek Orthodox?

Yeah. Yeah.

They're my friends,
Monica Stephanopolis.

And Chandler Acidophilus.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Has anyone seen Chandler?

- I thought he was with you.
- He was with me.

We're playing a little game.
Hide-and-seek.

You can't ask us, son.
That's cheating.

You're right.
Thanks for keeping me honest, Dad.

He better not come here. He can't see
the bride in her wedding dress.

As I recall, when we got married,
I saw the groom in the wedding dress.

That was after the wedding.
It's not bad luck then.

Honey, it isn't good luck.

Oh, my God! Monica.

I know!

- How's Chandler doing?
- Great.

He's doing great.
Don't you worry about Chandler.

Are you okay?

Well, you're sweating.

Out of happiness for you and Chandler.

These are beads of joy.

That's sweet.

Don't touch me.

- Phoebe, can I see you for a second?
- Yeah.

- What's going on?
- Chandler's gone again.

Why would you play hide-and-seek
with someone you know is a flight risk?

Aaron, you gotta let me go.
The guy's hammered.

I'm sorry. As long as he's here
and conscious, we're still shooting.

You wouldn't happen to have
a very big fork?

So I just talked to the director.

That's it. We're done for the day.

We finished the scene?

- You were wonderful.
- As were you.

So I got your car. It's right outside.

Why? Are we done for the day?

That's what you told me.

Thank you. You're welcome.

No, we gotta go. Come on.
Here we go.

Is that my ass?

- There he is!
- What?

You're not getting
away this time, mister!

Unless you want
that ass-kicking we talked about!

Ross!

I'm serious! You're not
walking out on my sister!

That's right. I'm not.

- Then where have you been?
- I know about Monica.

- You know?
- What?

I heard you and Rachel talking.

- What? Talking about what?
- You don't know?

If somebody doesn't tell me
what's going on right now...

What, you'll "hi-yah"?

Monica's pregnant.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
And you're not freaking out?

I was. Then I went to the gift shop
because I was out of cigarettes.

- Cigarettes?
- Big picture, please!

So when I was in the gift shop,
that's when I saw this.

And I thought, "Anything
that can fit into this can't be scary."

You obviously didn't see Chucky III.

But come on, look at how cute
and small this is.

So I got it to give Monica
so she'd know I was okay.

Dude.

Way to go, son.
I knew you'd find him.

Our little boy is getting married.

Look at you, so handsome.

You look beautiful, Mom.

You look beautiful too, Dad.

I love you both.

I'm so glad you're here.

Are you Chandler?

Are you Joey?

- This is nice.
- What?

I've never walked down the aisle
knowing it can't end in divorce.

I wish your grandmother
had lived to see this.

- She's right there.
- Not that old crone. My mother.

Congratulations, darling.

We love you, sweetheart.

You look beautiful.

- Is this new?
- Not now.

- Who's this?
- I'm Father Karabasos.

He's Greek Orthodox.

As are you.

Let us begin.

Dearly beloved...

That's my line!

I can take it from here. Thanks.

Dearly beloved,
I'm sorry I'm a little late.

You may be confused by this now...

but you won't be
Memorial Day weekend, 2002.

Let's get started before
the groom takes off again.

We are gathered here today...

to join this man...

and this woman
in the bonds of holy matrimony.

I've known Monica and Chandler
for a long time, and I cannot imagine...

two people more perfect
for each other.

And now, as I've left my notes
in my dressing room...

we shall proceed to the vows.
Monica?

- He took off?
- Go on. Go on.

Chandler, for so long...

I wondered if I would ever
find my prince.

My soul mate.

Then three years ago,
at another wedding...

I turned to a friend for comfort.

And instead I found everything that
I'd ever been looking for my whole life.

And now...

here we are...

with our future before us.

And I only want to spend it with you.

My prince.

My soul mate.

My friend.

Unless you don't want to.

You go.

Chandler?

No, that's okay.

I thought this would be the most
difficult thing I ever had to do.

But when I saw you walking down
that aisle, I realized it's simple.

I love you.

Any surprises that come our way,
it's okay, because I will always love you.

You are the person I was meant
to spend the rest of my life with.

You want to know if I'm sure?

You may now kiss the bride.

I guess by the powers vested in me
by the state of New York...

and the Internet guys...

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

Oh, wait. Do you take each other?

- I do.
- I do.

Yeah, you do!

Rings.

Oh, crap. Okay.

Let's do the rings.

We good? Yeah? Good?

Once again...

I pronounce you husband and wife.

Now kiss her again.

I love you.

And I know about the baby.

- What baby?
- Our baby.

We have a baby?

Phoebe found your pregnancy test.

I didn't take a pregnancy test.

Then who did?

Look at them.

And they're gonna have a baby.