Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 22 - The One with Chandler's Dad - full transcript

I think I'll go with the chicken piccata
instead of the Cornish game hen.

Will there be a vegetarian option,
you know, for me?

Yes. Definitely.

What is it?

Dancing.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I saw the Porsche parked out front.

Can I get the keys? Thought
I'd take that bad boy for a spin.

Ross drives it? When I ask, you say
you're the only one allowed to drive it.

He's my brother, plus he drives
so slow he could never hurt it.

It's a car, Monica, not a rocket ship.



Just replace the bulbs in the
brake lights after you're done.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Saw the Porsche. Looking good.
When can I take it out again?

- You let Joey drive it?
- I've never driven it. Not once.

Okay, once.
Okay, I drive it all the time.

So much for the "you-can-drive-it
but-don't-tell-Rachel" plan.

Wow, I can't believe you lied to me.

I can fix this. Monica, Rachel thinks
all you talk about is the wedding.

There. I've blown both your secrets.
Now we're even.

I won't let you drive the Porsche
because you're a terrible driver.

There. That wasn't about the wedding.

If you want a ride in the Porsche,
I'll take you around the block.

You got a couple hours?

The One With Chandler's Dad



Whew, that was a brisk ride.

- Take the top down, did you?
- Only way to fly.

Give me the keys. Monica's wrong.
I'm an excellent driver.

You're fast and irresponsible.
That adds up to a bad driver.

In high school, that added up
to head cheerleader.

Did you see the look
that girl just gave me?

She must've seen me cruising
in the bad boy.

- She's checking out your beehive.
- What?

- Give me a brush.
- The keys.

- No way!
- Well, no brush.

Fine. It doesn't matter.

If I remember correctly, there's
a comb on the floor of the bathroom.

Alimony.

We still haven't gotten
an RSVP from your dad.

Oh, right. Maybe that's because I
didn't send him an invitation.

Why not?

An invitation?
That's like almost asking him to come.

He's your father.
He should be at our wedding.

I was gonna send him an invite
but then I saw the stamp.

It was one of those Marilyn
Monroe stamps and I thought:

My dad has that dress.

Wow. That must be a very different view
when he stands over an air vent.

You should see him singing
"Happy Birthday, Mr. President."

We have to invite him.

I don't even know the man.
I haven't seen him in years.

And when he finds out
he wasn't asked?

We don't run in the same circles.

I hang out with you guys and he...

stars in a drag show in Vegas.

I think I want to trade circles.

You don't want him there.
Nobody will stare at the bride...

when the father of the groom
is wearing a backless dress.

So what? As long as he's not wearing
a white dress and veil, I don't care.

I think I need to do some shopping.

Nice.

My God!

- What do you think you're doing?
- Just washing the windshield.

There's no way I'll let you
drive this car.

- Couldn't find the comb?
- No.

Why don't you just hand over the keys.

Oh!

Do not start this car.

Okay, okay.
I will give you 20 bucks...

if you get out of this car
right now. Hey!

Look.

If you're so freaked out,
just get in the car.

With you? Yeah, right.

All right.

Okay, okay, okay.

- What are you doing? Get in the front.
- In the death seat?!

- Hey, guys.
- Hi, sweetie.

- Ready to go?
- My purse is at Monica's. I'll be back.

- Wait a minute.
- What? Oh.

That one kept going.

So, you and Phoebe, huh?

- How long have you been going out?
- Over a month.

We ought to get
to know each other better.

- Sure. I'd like that.
- Yeah. So, uh...

What's your name?

- It's Jake.
- Joey.

- Do you like the Knicks?
- Yeah, big fan.

Me too. There's a game on Tuesday.
Do you want to go?

Great! Let me make sure I'm not
doing anything Tuesday.

Here.

- What's this?
- Your suitcase. We're going to Vegas.

Are you serious? Eloping?
No more stupid wedding stuff.

No more these flowers, these flowers.
Think of the money we'll save.

We're not eloping. I love the flowers.
Can our wedding be bigger, please?

We're going to see your dad.

I want to get to know
my father-in-law.

We already went over this and I won.

No, you didn't.
Honey, just so you know...

Now that you're marrying me,
you don't get to win anymore.

Forget it. I don't want to go.
I don't want to see him.

I know your dad embarrassed you.

All kids are embarrassed
by their parents.

You'd have to come up with a new word
for what I went through.

In high school,
he came to all my swim meets...

dressed as a different
Hollywood starlet.

It's hard enough to be 14.

You're skinny, you're wearing Speedos
that your mom promised you'd grow into.

You look up in the stands.
There's your dad cheering you on.

Dressed as Carmen Miranda,
wearing a headdress with real fruit...

that he will later hand out
to your friends as a healthy snack.

But he was there!

My dad didn't come
to one of my Brownie meetings.

You were a Brownie?

No. I ate them.

The point is, he was at every one
of your swim meets, cheering you on.

That's a pretty great dad.

He had sex with Mr. Garibaldi.

- Who's Mr. Garibaldi?
- Does it matter?!

You're not 14 anymore, okay?
Maybe it's time you let that stuff go.

If he's not at your wedding, you'll
regret it for the rest of your life.

Okay, but I'm just doing this for you.

- So I never get to win anymore?
- How much did you ever win before?

You know how when you're wearing pants
and you lean forward...

I check out your underwear?

Well, when Jake did it...

I saw that he was wearing
women's underwear.

I know. They were mine.

Oh!

No, no, wait. That's weird.

We were goofing around,
and I dared him to try them on.

That's weird!

- I'm wearing his briefs right now.
- That's kind of hot.

I think so too. And that little flap?
It's great for holding my lipstick.

I wouldn't know about that.

Jake says that women's underwear
is actually more comfortable.

He loves how silk feels
against his skin.

Next he'll say your high heels
are good for his posture.

There's nothing wrong with Jake.
He is all man.

I think more than you.

He looked like a real lumberjack
in those pink lacies.

I'm just saying only a man completely
secure in his masculinity...

could wear women's underwear.
I don't think you could.

- I am secure with my masculinity.
- Okay, whatever.

You've seen my huge
stack of porn, right?

Here you go.

Look all you want.
There's nothing there.

Slow down,
or I am returning to the back seat.

Would you calm down?

No! You're driving 15 miles
over the speed limit.

I'm driving 5 miles over the limit.
They raised it by 10.

What, are they crazy?!

God, I forgot how much I love driving.

I have got to get my license renewed.

You don't have a valid driver's
license? Pull over right now.

Ross, you're so tense.
You just gotta relax, okay?

Just need to relax. All right?
Just need to relax.

What are you...? That's not funny.
Stop horsing around.

I am not horsing around, okay?

I am "Porsche-ing" around.

Uh-oh.

Stay calm. Nothing will happen.
You're not in that much trouble.

Really? You think so?

I was talking to myself.
You're going down!

Has someone taken your order?

Oh, yeah. She did. He did. She?

I'm sorry, I'm new. I don't...

- I just ordered a beer.
- You're straight. I get it.

If we called your dad,
we'd have better seats.

I don't want him to know we're
here yet. I'm not ready for that.

Besides, he won't be too happy
to see me either.

Why not?

I don't know if I told you...

but he's kind of tried to contact me
a lot the last few years.

What?

Yeah. He's made phone calls,
written letters.

He came to New York.
But I always said I was too busy.

It's very "Cats in the Cradle."
I don't want to get into it.

Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome the incomparable...

Helena Handbasket.

Hello, darlings.

And there's Daddy.

Switch places with me. Come on!
I'll go under, you go over.

- Yeah, I'll get right on that.
- Come on!

- What? No. Hey, Rach, come on.
- Come on!

I'm sure we won't get arrested
for this.

God!

Hi, officer.
Was I going a little too fast?

Oh, my God.

- Can I see your license, please?
- Absolutely.

It's weird. I had a dream last night
that I was stopped by a policeman.

And then he...

Well, I probably shouldn't
tell you the rest.

He gave you a big...

fat...

ticket?

- Your license.
- Yes. Here you go, Officer...

Handsome.

- It's Hanson.
- Oops, sorry. My mistake.

Dear Lord!

- Wow!
- Here it comes.

This is a great picture.

Really? You think so? You know,
I had just rolled right out of bed.

You look phenomenal.

She should!
It was taken 10 years ago!

You know, you're probably wondering
about the old date.

Yes, I am. You're an Aquarius, huh?

- I'll bet you're a Gemini.
- No.

- Taurus?
- No.

- Virgo?
- No.

- Sagittarius?
- Yep.

I knew it. I knew it!

- You won't speed anymore, right?
- I won't speed.

- And you promise to take care of this?
- I promise.

In the meantime, let him drive.
Does he have a license?

- Can he handle a stick?
- Well...

I can handle a stick!

- That can't be your father.
- I've been saying that for years.

- Oh, my God!
- What?

That's Mr. Garibaldi
playing the piano.

Hello, and welcome to the show.

I see some of our regulars
in the audience.

And a couple of irregulars.

- He's coming into the audience.
- Relax. You'll be fine.

Oh, much better.
You're invisible now.

- Where are you from?
- Bakersfield.

- I'm sorry?
- Bakersfield.

No, no, I heard. I'm just sorry.

It can't happen like this.
I'll meet you back at the hotel.

Look, a standing ovation already.
So early in the show.

Turn around, darling.
Let me see your pretty face.

Can we have our drinks, please?
Waiter?...tress?

- Hey, Pheebs.
- Hey.

Check it out.

How much of a man am I?

Wow, nice.
Manly, and also kind of a slut.

I'm beginning to see what Jake
was talking about.

The silk feels really good.

And things aren't as smashed down
as I thought they would be.

That's great.

You have so many more choices
than with men's underwear.

Bikini, French cut, thong.
And the fabrics: Cotton, silk, lace.

You know what I've always
wondered about? Pantyhose!

The way they start at your toe,
then they go all the way up to...

- I should go take these off, shouldn't I?
- I think it's important you do.

What's your name?

Chandler.

Chandler?

What an unusual name.

You must have had terribly
fascinating parents.

Oh, they're a hoot.

And who is your friend?

I'm Monica.

- Monica. Where are you from?
- New York.

I'm not very fond of New York.

Queens, I like.

What is this...

sparkling something, honey, huh?

Actually, Monica and I are engaged.

Really?

Congratulations.

When's the big day?

In two weeks.

I see.

Well, I wish you both
a lifetime of happiness.

So, you're bald.

Wait, wait.

We'd love it if you could be there.

Really?

I know it would make me happy...

ma'am.

Then I wouldn't miss it for the world.

I'm getting all misty here.

You'd think I was having my legs waxed
or something.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

Thanks for making me do this.

Before we go on with the show,
I want to say to the bride and groom...

how lucky they are
to have found each other.

In every life a little rain must fall.

Fortunately...

in my life...

When I was growing up,
I played the one on the far left.

I think you've had enough fun
for today.

Remind me to introduce you
to someone.

- Who?
- Fourth gear.

What does he want?
I wasn't doing anything.

Maybe he saw your hands slip briefly
from the 10 and 2:00 position.

Maybe it's Sergeant Sagittarius
coming back to flirt some more.

Perhaps he didn't tarnish
the badge enough.

It's a different guy.

- Good evening, officer.
- Do you know how fast you were going?

No, I don't, but it couldn't
have been more than 60.

You're right. It was 37.

Really?

- Can I see your license, please?
- You're kidding.

You're not gonna give me a ticket
for driving too slow, are you?

That's right.

You wanna help me out here?

I'm sorry, what?

Can you do your little thing
that you did before?

I don't think so.

I don't think I want
to tarnish his badge.

You know, officer...

I had the weirdest dream last night.

Oh, my God!

Your license, please.

You don't want to hear
about my dream...

Officer...

Pretty?

It's Petty.

I'll be right back with your ticket.

- You have a son.
- I know. I know.

- You feel better?
- Yeah. Much.

Listen...

Not that I'm insecure
about my manhood or anything...

but I think I need to hook up
with a woman right now.

I understand.

You look familiar. Do I know you?

I don't think so.

Maybe it's because I'm on television.

- I'm an actor on Days of our Lives.
- Wow. Really?

- $4.50, please.
- Oh, let me get this.

These are for you.