Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 2 - The One with Rachel's Book - full transcript

Chandler, you're doing so well
with this whole getting married...

never gonna sleep with anyone for the rest
of your life thing. I thinks it's great.

- Hey. Who wants French toast?
- I'll have some.

Me too. Eggs and milk in the fridge.
Thanks.

- What's the matter?
- My hand feels weird.

I guess it's because I'm engaged!

- When will that start getting annoying?
- Start?

Let's start the wedding plans.

- Okay.
- Already?

We got a lot to do. We gotta think
about the flowers, the music...

- I have thoughts on the music...
- Chandler. Too many cooks.



Take it from me. All you have to do is
show up and try to say the right name.

- What in God's name is that?
- Oh, my God, the wedding book?

I haven't seen that since fourth grade.

This baby has everything. Take,
you know, locations, for instance:

First organized alphabetically,
then geographically...

then by square footage.

That is so smart.

Break it off. Break it off now.

Look, here's the invitation you used to your
wedding to John Lynch in the fifth grade.

Remember how I got sick and
Ross had to fill in as a bridesmaid?

I was a brides-boy.

I don't smell French toast, brides-boy.

The One With Rachel's Book

That conclusively proves...



that I had the idea
for Jurassic Park first.

Let's take a look...

Phoebe, what are you doing here?

I need to talk to you. It's urgent.
It's about Monica and Chandler.

Oh, my God. Of course.

Would you please excuse me
for a moment?

Do you know each other's hometowns?
Why don't you...?

What's going on?

Well, not much. I was just thinking
that since they just got engaged...

it would be nice
if they have privacy.

So could I just move in with you
for a couple days?

Okay, sure. But what's wrong
with Monica and Chandler?

Nothing. Why?

Phoebe, you said it was urgent.

Yeah, it is.
My movie starts in, like, five minutes.

Do you realize I have a classroom
full of students?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so rude.
Does anyone want to come to the movies?

I haven't cleared the
budget with my parents...

but tell me how this is for music:

A string quartet for the processional,
a jazz trio for cocktails...

the Bay City Rollers
for dancing...

Wait, that was
for my sixth grade wedding.

You couldn't get them anyway. Ian
doesn't even play anymore and Derek...

Derek is a name I shouldn't know.

Mon, do you have another pillow,
something a little snugglier?

Why are you napping here
instead of at your place?

- The duck.
- What... The duck?

What the hell
did the damn duck do now?

Well, he did not get sick
somewhere in there...

and it was immediately found
and properly cleaned up.

Do I get to look at this book...

or is it just for people
involved in the wedding?

Of course you can look at it.
I want your opinion.

Here you go.

- What about centerpieces?
- Centerpieces!

- Roses or lilies?
- Definitely roses.

I think they're more "wedding-y."

- But lilies are the clear choice.
- Oh, my God, it's like one mind.

Guys, guys, you gotta let me nap.

I'm gonna get cranky.

Joey, there's a perfectly good couch
across the hall.

Yes, it is perfectly good...

and it is not one of the places
the duck got sick.

What?

- All right, I'm gonna go.
- Joey, what did the duck do?

I don't know,
but he did not eat your face cream.

Hey, little buddy. How you feeling?

What the hell is in that face cream?

That's so soft.

Pillowcases!

"Zelda looked at the chimney sweep.
Her father, the vicar..."

Vicar?

"...wouldn't be home for hours.

Her loins were burning.

She threw caution to the wind
and reached out and grabbed his..."

This is a dirty book!

Phoebe?

Oh, Ross, hi.

- Phoebe, what are you doing?
- Sorry, I'm with a client right now.

- Phoebe!
- Okay, let's talk outside.

Unfortunately, this time will be
counted as part of your massage.

So try...

and think relaxing thoughts.

And don't touch any of my dinosaurs.

I know they're cool, but they're mine.

Phoebe, you can't massage people
in my apartment.

I did it at Monica and Chandler's.

And they knew about it?

Okay, Ross, what is this really about?

This is my home and I want to be
able to come and go when I want.

I will find someplace else
to do the rest of my appointments.

I don't know what the big deal is.

I don't want naked,
greasy strangers in my apartment...

when I want to kick back
with a puzzle... Beer, cold beer.

Hey, Joey. What are you doing?

Sweeping. Why?
Does it turn you on?

No.

What if I was sweeping a chimney?

Joey, did you eat my face cream?

Where are you going?
The vicar won't be home for hours.

Joey, where did you learn that word?

Where do you think...

Zelda?

- You found my book?!
- Yeah, I did!

Joey, what are you doing
going into my bedroom?

I'm sorry. I went in there to take a nap.
I know I shouldn't have, but you got porn!

God! I cannot believe you invaded
my privacy like that!

Zelda.

Now, you seem a little tense. Maybe you'll
relax if I gave you a nice milk bath.

Okay, you know what?

- I don't even like that part.
- Oh, I do.

You know what? I don't care.
I'm not ashamed of my book.

There's nothing wrong with a woman
enjoying a little erotica.

It's just a healthy expression
of female sexuality...

which, by the way, is something
that you will never understand.

You got porn.

- Hello.
- Hi, is Phoebe here?

- No, she's out for the night.
- Oh, great.

Can I help you with something?

I don't know. Are you a masseur?

Yes, I am.

Great! Dad?

Thank you so much.
I'll pick him up in an hour.

You need help with that?

Your parents must've been thrilled
when you told them you were engaged.

Oh, yeah.
I should probably call them.

I remember when we first got engaged.

- I've never heard that story.
- Dad, you don't...

Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant.

I still don't know how.

You don't know how? Your dog
thought my diaphragm was a chew toy.

What a sweet story.

At least you're not hearing it
at your fifth grade Halloween party.

They wanted a scary story.

We're really excited
about our wedding plans.

I guess pretty soon we'll be making a big
withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund.

- What?
- You tell her, Jack. I can't do it.

You have the wedding fund, don't you?

We have it.
Only, now we call it "the beach house."

You spent my wedding
fund on the beach house?

We're sorry. We assumed...

that if you got married after 30
you'd pay for it yourself.

You bought the beach house
when I was 23.

So you've had seven years
of beach fun...

and you can't put a price on that.

We do feel bad about this.

We saved again
when you dated Richard...

then that went to hell,
so we redid the kitchen.

What about Chandler?

It was Chandler.
We didn't think he'd propose.

Clearly I did not start drinking
enough at the start of the meal.

I can't believe there's no money
for my wedding.

Maybe, if your father hadn't tried...

to sell ice over the Internet.

- It seemed like such a simple idea.
- Stupid, Jack. The word is stupid.

Enough. I don't want
to hear about it anymore.

Good luck, Chandler.

Okay, now I'm going to...

touch you.

That's soft.

Why does Joey keep talking
about chimney sweeps and vicars?

I thinks he's just been rehearsing
for an episode of his show.

Because it really sounds
like a bad porn novel.

Do you think your parents
could help pay for it?

I don't know.

My mother spent most of her money
on her fourth wedding.

She's saving the rest for her divorce.

And any extra cash my father has
he saves for his yearly trips to...

Dollywood.

- What happened at dinner?
- My parents spent the wedding fund.

My God, what did you order?

Wait, there's no money?
Well, this is terrible.

You guys are gonna have to get
married in, like, a rec center.

Oh, my God, you're right.

We're gonna have to be out by 6 so they
can take out the floor for senior swim.

- Honey, it's gonna be okay.
- No, it's not gonna be okay.

- No swing band, no lilies.
- No, but that's good.

You don't want lilies.

If a cat ate them, it would die.

- What?
- I'm just saying, now you could invite cats.

It's gonna be okay.

I mean, you don't need to have this...

rustic Italian feast.

You don't need this custom-made...

empire-waisted, duchess satin gown.

You can wear off-the-rack.

It's really gonna be okay.

The important thing is that we love each
other and we're gonna get married.

Do you even understand what
"off-the-rack" means?

Why don't you pay for it yourself?

How? I don't have any money.

- Well, I have some.
- How much?

Well, close to...

- Are you kidding me?!
- How much?

- Enough for wedding scenario A.
- Really?

Scenario A has lilies. Someone's gonna have
to break it to the cats and it won't be me.

How great are you, you little saver!

This is exactly
the budget of my dream wedding.

You guys are so made for each other.

You're not suggesting that we spend
all of the money on the wedding?

Yeah.

Look, Mon, I've been saving this money
for six years...

and I kind of had some of it earmarked
for the future, not just for a party.

Hello, Mr. Chandler.

Sweetie, this is the most special day
of our lives.

I realize that, honey, but I'm not gonna
spend all the money on one party.

Honey, I love you.

But if you call our wedding
a party one more time...

you may not get invited.

We can always earn more money.
We're only gonna get married once.

I understand, but I have to put
my foot down. The answer is no.

You're gonna have to
"put your foot down"?

Yes, I am.

Money and a firm hand.

Finally a Chandler I
can get on board with.

- Hey, Rach.
- Joey.

Hey, Rach, do you smell smoke?

I get it. Smoke, chimney,
chimney sweep. Very funny. Ha, ha.

No, no, I'm serious.
You don't smell it?

Something's on fire.

No, I don't smell anything.

Oh, you know what? It's probably
just your burning loins.

- Hey, what are you guys talking about?
- Nothing.

Damn, this coffee's cold.

Do you mind if I heat this up
on your loins?

You know, I cannot believe
you told him. Joey...

So I guess you bought that book
after we broke up.

Yeah, I did, because I wore out
my first copy when I was with you.

Oh, yeah?

Well, when we were going out,
I read tons of porno magazines.

What's up?

Ross, how could you do that
to an old man?

Excuse me, ladies.

I'm sorry?

My massage client, Arthur.

His daughter said some guy
that worked for me...

gave him a really weird massage.

I gave him an extremely
professional massage.

He said you poked
at him with wooden spoons.

Okay, so it wasn't
a traditional massage.

But I did give him acupressure
with a pair of chopsticks...

and I gently exfoliated him
with a mop.

Well, he's never coming back.
You just cost me $80 a week.

This is your fault.
You didn't move his appointment.

Oh, it's my fault?
You didn't have to massage him.

You could've sent him away.

You could've not rolled Tonka trucks
up and down his back.

He said he liked that!

You're right, you're right.
I'm sorry.

Dude, what are you massaging
an old man for?

- His daughter was hot.
- Gotcha.

Look, Ross,
I really need that $80 every week.

I'm sure you'll find
another massage client, Phoebe.

Yeah, I'm sure I will too. But until then,
I'm going to massage you every week...

for the price of $ 100.
- You just said 80.

You want me to mess up your puzzle?

A hundred it is.

Hello, Zelda.

- Who are you supposed to be?
- The vicar.

- Do you even know what a vicar is?
- Like a goalie, right?

Look, that's enough.

The joke's over. I'm sick of it.

You mean this isn't the sweet torment
you've been waiting all your life for?

Joey, I'm serious,
all right? It's enough.

You make stupid jokes
and sleazy innuendoes...

and it's just not funny anymore.

I'm sorry. Rach, I'm sorry.

Maybe I could make it up to you
by taking you roughly in the barn.

All right, that's it.
You wanna do it? Let's do it.

That's right.
I wanna do it with you.

Been trying to fight it,
but you just said all the right things.

I did?

Yeah. Oh, I've been waiting so long
to get on that body.

- This body?
- Yeah, that's right.

Come on, Joey, sex me up.

You're starting to sound like
the butcher's wife in chapter seven.

Come on, now. Don't keep me
waiting. Get those clothes off.

But I'd keep that helmet on,
because you're in for a rough ride.

I don't want to. I'm scared.

Listen...

I've been thinking.

It's not fair of me to ask you to
spend all of your money on our wedding.

I mean, you work really hard for that.

- Well.
- Well, you work for that.

Look, I've thought about it too.

I'm sorry. I think we should spend
all of the money on the wedding.

- You do?
- Yeah, I'm putting my foot down.

Look, when I proposed,
I told you...

that I would do anything
to make you happy.

And if having the perfect wedding
makes you happy...

then that's what we're gonna do.

You are so sweet.

What about the future and stuff?

Forget about the future and stuff.

So we only have two kids.

We'll pick our favorite and
that one will get to go to college.

- Have you thought about that?
- Yeah.

How many kids were we gonna have?

Four. A boy, twin girls
and another boy.

What else did you think about?

Well, stuff like where we'd live,
you know.

Like a small place outside the city...

where our kids could learn
to ride their bikes.

We could have a cat that had a bell
on its collar...

and we could hear it every time
it ran through the little kitty door.

We'd have an apartment over the garage
where Joey could grow old.

You know what?

I don't want a big, fancy wedding.

- Sure you do.
- No.

I want everything that you've
just said. I want a marriage.

You sure?

- I love you so much.
- I love you.

When you were talking
about our future, you said cat.

But you meant dog, right?

- Yeah, totally.
- Oh, good.

Room temperature okay?

- Excellent. Is the music too loud?
- No.

Good.

- What the hell are you doing?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Were you expecting a traditional
massage with the hands?

Fine.

Now, just try to relax.