Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 19 - The One with Ross and Monica's Cousin - full transcript

Oh, hey! How was your audition?

I'm sorry, do I know you?

What are you doing?

Practicing blowing you off.
I'm gonna be a big movie star!

You got it?

- Not yet, but the audition went great!
- What's it for?

A big-budget period movie
about three Italian brothers...

who come to America at the
turn of the century. It's classy.

The director's supposed to be
the next-next Martin Scorsese.

The "next-next"?

A guy from Chicago's supposed to be
the next Martin Scorsese.



This guy's right after him.

Hello?

Joey, it's Estelle. I just talked to
the casting people. They loved you!

They loved me!

They want to see you again tomorrow.

- My God!
- There's just one thing.

Do you have a problem
with full-frontal nudity?

Are you kidding me? I never
rent a movie without it!

Oh.

Okay, let me call you back.

- What's the matter?
- They want me naked in the movie.

- Wow!
- I know.

- My grandmother's gonna see this.
- Grandma's gonna have to get in line.

The One With Ross
and Monica's Cousin



The wedding's so close.
Are you nervous?

Yeah, but I also can't
wait till it's over.

We have a pact not to have sex
again until the wedding.

A "no sex" pact, huh?

I have one of those with
every woman in America.

Will you give me a hand
making up the guest bedroom?

Cousin Cassie's staying with us
for a few days.

Cassie? I haven't seen her
in, like, forever.

I wonder if she still carries
a Barbie everywhere?

- She's 25 years old.
- So? I still...

You're probably right.

Pheebs, can I talk to you
over here for a second?

Subtle, guys.

What?

I know you're planning my
surprise bridal shower.

Okay, well, don't ruin it.
Just play along, at least.

Okay. Sorry.

We have to throw her a shower?

What'd you decide to do
about the movie?

I don't know. I mean...

It's not like it's porn.
This is a serious, legitimate movie.

Nudity's really important
to the story.

That's what you say about porn.

Maybe I shouldn't go on the callback.

No, you should. A lot of major
actors do nude scenes.

The chance to star in a movie?
Come on!

That's true. And I'm only naked in
one scene. It sounds really great.

My character's Catholic. He falls
in love with a Jewish girl.

We run away and get caught
in a big rainstorm.

We go into a barn, undress each other
and hold each other.

It's really sweet and tender.

Plus, everyone will see your thing!

When can we have this shower?

She has so much going on,
we have only two options.

- We have Friday.
- That's just two days away.

- What is the other option?
- Yesterday.

If we make it yesterday, we're done!

It's impossible.
We can't do this by Friday.

We have to find a place,
invite people, get food.

There's too much to do.

- We cannot do it!
- Calm down!

Okay. I'm sorry, you're right.
I'm sorry.

Just calm down, woman!

Phoebe, I already did.

All right, then I need to calm down.

I think we can do this
if we just get organized.

We have two days to plan this party.
We need to make fast decisions.

Where will we have it?

- Here. What time?
- 4:00. Food?

- Finger sandwiches and tea.
- Great! Very Monica.

- And chili!
- You went one too far.

- Flowers or balloons?
- Both.

- We're paying for this.
- Neither.

- What should we do for a theme?
- Lusts of the Flesh!

- What?
- I don't know. Cowboy theme?

I'm glad we decided not to sleep
together before the wedding.

Oh, boy. Me too.

I was thinking, say we had a big fight,
and broke up for a few hours.

Technically, we could have sex again.

What do you think,
bossy and domineering?

The wedding's off,
sloppy and immature.

That's me. Come on.

Wait. Cassie's in the guest room.
We're going to lunch.

Get rid of her, obsessive and shrill!

Shrill? The wedding is back on.

I thought I heard voices.
You must be Chandler.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.

- So, ready to go?
- Yeah.

- Chandler?
- I'll be right with you.

- Cassie needs to stay at your place.
- Why?

Because "Pervie Perverson" here
can't stop staring at her.

Chandler, she's our cousin!

I wasn't staring.
I was listening intently.

It's called being a good
conversationalist. Watch.

Say something.

You were staring about eight inches
south of there.

Fine. She can stay at my place.

What does Cassie look like now?

Exactly like Aunt Marilyn.

This Aunt Marilyn,
is she coming to the wedding?

Wafer-thin ice.

Hey, I'm back.

Hi, Joey.

Will I read the same scene again?

I tried to call you.
You didn't need to come today.

Oh, great.

I'd have been perfect for this part.

You made a bad decision and
ruined your movie. Good day!

You didn't need to come, because the
director saw your tape and loved it.

And, scene.

Wasn't that fun? We did
a little improv there. Yeah!

So, you were saying?

The director wants to meet you
tomorrow.

Wow! Sure! That's great.

Your agent said you're okay
with nudity.

Yeah, sure. As long as
it's handled tastefully.

And that barn is not too cold.

Perfect. There's one more thing.

It's important to the director that
everything in the movie's authentic.

In your love scene with Sarah...

she talks about how she's never
seen a naked man who wasn't Jewish.

So...

So... what?

So, the director is insisting
that whoever play that part...

be authentically, anatomically...

not Jewish.
You know what I'm saying?

Yes!

No. What?

An Italian Catholic immigrant
at this time would not be...

Bar mitzvah-ed?

Think 13 years earlier, lose the rabbi,
add a scalpel.

- To get this part, you can't be...
- No.

But you are?

- You told them you weren't?
- That's right.

Wow!

It's definitely all gone?
There's nothing there to work with?

- What were you thinking?
- I don't know. I just want this part.

They say no matter what you're asked
during an audition, say yes.

They want you to ride a horse,
say you can.

You figure out how to do it later.

This is not like learning to ride
a horse. This is like learning...

to grow a turtleneck.

I know, okay? Tomorrow,
when I go meet the director...

I have to take my clothes off so
they can see what my body looks like.

Oh, my God. What are you gonna do?

I have to call my agent
and tell her I can't do the part.

Unless...

Unless what?

This may sound crazy, but there may
be something we could...

fashion.

- Like what?
- Well, I'm not sure yet.

Off the top of my head,
I'm thinking...

double-sided tape
and some sort of luncheon meat.

I've got a great idea for party
favors for the shower.

We get mahogany boxes
and carve everyone's names in them.

Then inside is each person's
individual birthstone.

Okay. Okay.

You take care of that.

Meanwhile, the party's tomorrow
and we don't have a guest list.

Okay. Who do we know that's coming?
Me. Are you?

- Hey.
- Hey, what's up?

I'm making something for Joey.
Can I raid your fridge?

Have at it.

All right. Turkey? That won't work.

Cheese? That won't work.

Olive loaf? I hope that won't work.

Are you making him a sandwich?

No, it's more like a wrap.

Okay, so I'm gonna go, guys.

So you can get back to deciding on
what to get me for a present!

We have to get her a present?

Okay, but look. Look at what I got.

It's her address book.
We have a guest list.

You're amazing. Did you pull
that out of her purse?

Uh-huh. And a little seed money
for the party.

Cassie?

Hey, Ross!

It's been so long!

Last time I saw you...

you were setting up your tent
in line for Return of the Jedi.

That's right.

So you did see me that day.
Because it seemed like you didn't.

- Yeah, sorry about that.
- It's okay. Come on in.

Thanks for letting me stay here.
Monica's place was nice.

But her fianc? sure stares a lot.

Oh, my God! You do a great Chandler!

I have a knack for impressions.

Maybe after we get re-acquainted
you could do me.

Yeah. No!

How you doing on that...

hot dog?

- I'm all done.
- Thank God.

The last time we hung out was when
our parents rented that beach house.

Remember the time I pinned you down
and tickled you until you cried?

We're probably too old to do that now.

I'll always remember that summer.
It's when I got all these freckles.

I'll always remember that summer...

because that's when I realized
that we are related.

You know, we're not just
two random people thrown together.

We share genetic material.

It took you that long
to figure it out?

I'm a little slow.

Just as our children would be.

- Hi.
- Hi.

How are you? Good. Hi.
Thanks for coming.

Thank you. So nice to see you.

- No, thanks.
- Okay. Hey, Rach?

- Yeah?
- Who the hell are all these people?

I don't know.
I called everybody in her book.

These are the ones that could
show up on 24 hours' notice.

There's a word for people like that:
Losers.

Hi, I'm Rachel. This is Phoebe.
I'm the maid of honor.

- How do you know Monica?
- I was her accountant four years ago.

I'm interested to find out who's been
doing her taxes the last four years.

That's great.

- When is Monica supposed to get here?
- I don't know.

Excuse us.

- You didn't tell her?
- You were supposed to.

You were supposed to tell her to come!
I was bringing the cake!

- Fine, I'll go call her.
- And please tell her to bring a cake!

We have a lot of options. A number
of prototypes for you to try on.

Those look great.

Okay, this one's a mushroom cap.
This one is made of bologna.

- The toothpicks?
- Just until the glue dries.

Thank God.

These are more realistic,
but perishable.

Over here, we have pink suede,
which is nice.

But if it gets wet, it'll shrink.

Maybe we'll just
take that one away.

I also did a little something in fur,
but that's really just for me.

Why don't you try these on? We'll
get a better idea of what works.

Thanks, you are such a good friend.
And this is so weird.

Okay, the taffy's too sticky.

I was afraid of that.

- Toothpick?
- Yeah.

- What are you trying now?
- The Fruit Roll-up.

- And?
- Delicious.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
We have a winner!

What? Which one?

The Silly Putty.
Not so silly anymore!

She's your cousin.
She's your cousin.

If she knew what was going on in
your head, she'd think you were sick.

Or would she?
Let's back up for a second.

She was the one who suggested
opening a bottle of wine.

She was the one who
turned down the lights.

She was the one that wanted to rent
Logan's Run...

the sexiest movie ever.

I know that look.

Forget it. I want it. She wants it.

I'm going in.

What the hell are you doing?

Say something clever.

Okay, doesn't have to be clever.

Just has to be words. Say some words.

Any words will do.

Oh, my God, this is the longest...

that anyone has not talked ever!

There is nothing you could say
to make this worse...

so just say something!

I haven't had sex in a very long time.

Yeah, you really shouldn't
have said anything.

Phoebe? Rachel? It's Monica.

I wonder what you could possibly
need me for on such short notice?

- Oh, Monica. We are so sorry.
- For what?

First, for forgetting to
throw you a bridal shower.

Then, forgetting to invite you to it.

You already had it?

We called everyone in your phone book.
A bunch of people came.

It took us so long to get you here
that they had to leave.

We wanted to throw you a big surprise
and a great shower.

Now you don't have either.

We ruined everything.

No, wait a minute, that's not true.
What you did was really sweet.

- It kind of works out for the best.
- What do you mean?

Now I get to spend my shower
with the only people I really love.

I get all those presents without
talking to people I don't even like!

- Surprise.
- Surprise, Monica.

What's cool is, the character
is from Naples, right?

My whole family's from Naples.

That's great. Okay. I've heard
everything I need to hear...

We just need to, uh...

Leslie?

- Joey, this is the awkward part.
- Hey, right. Not a problem.

I totally understand you need...

to make sure I don't have any
horrible scars or tattoos.

Don't you worry.

I have nothing to hide.

So, there you go. That's me.

One hundred percent natural.

I tell you, that has never
happened before.

Cassie, are you finding
everything okay?

Yeah. Thanks for
letting me stay here.

Oh, it's no problem.

What?

Say something. Say anything.

Ask her out! She's not your cousin!