Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 13 - The One Where Rosita Dies - full transcript

Rachel breaks Joey's armchair. Phoebe takes a temp job in a call centre. Ross and Monica find out their parents are selling their childhood home.

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- Hey.
- Hi.

- What are you doing?
- I was thinking of moving the couch.

Why would you want to do that?

So there'd be a decent place
for me to sit?

- Rach, there is a decent place.
- And your lap does not count.

- Come on, help me move this.
- No, no, no.

- No?
- No.

Rosita does not move.

I'm sorry. Rosita? As in...?

As in "Rosita does not move."

It's just a chair.
What's the big deal?



It's the exact equal distance
from the bathroom to the kitchen...

and it's at an angle where you
don't get any glare coming off Stevie.

Stevie the TV?

- Is there a problem?
- No.

What does he know?

Come on, Rosita.
Us chicas gotta stick together.

You bitch!

The One Where Rosita Dies

Hey, you know what's weird?

After you guys get married,
when you introduce me to people...

you're gonna have to say,
"This is my brother-in-law, Ross."

Not "my friend, Ross,"
"brother-in-law, Ross."

That's weird, isn't it?

Couldn't I just say,
"This is Ross"?



Sure, do whatever you want.

Hey, Ross?

I checked the real estate section.

Look at this.

Looks like Mom and Dad's house.

Even has a tree
with a broken limb out front.

And the window in the attic...

Oh, my God!

What happened
to the window in the attic?

- I can't believe they're selling it.
- And they didn't tell us.

What happened
to the window in the attic?

Hello, Dad? Monica and I just saw
the house in the paper.

Yes, we're surprised.

Who did you leave a message with?

Sorry!

Joey, Joey, I'm so sorry.

I told you not to move it!
How would you feel if, say...

I wanted to move your mom, okay...

and you said, "Don't,"
and I did it anyway...

and her head fell off?

I'll buy you a new one, okay?

We'll go to the store and get you
a new chair right now.

She's not even cold yet.

Wouldn't Rosita have
wanted you to move on?

I mean, you know, she did always
put your comfort first.

That's true.

- Okay, you ready?
- Yeah.

I don't want Stevie
to see her like this.

I can't believe we have to say goodbye
to the house we grew up in.

Man, some stranger's gonna be
in my room.

For 15 years they kept it
as a shrine to you.

It's time the velvet ropes came down.

They kept your room a while.

Please! Dad turned my room into
a gym 20 minutes after I moved out.

I gotta say, a tanning bed and a stack
of Victoria's Secret catalogs?

Not a gym.

- Come on. You know they love you.
- As much as they love you?

They thought she was barren
until I was born. It's not my fault.

I hate this year.

What's wrong with this year?

It's February and I've only
given two massages...

and they were both horrible tippers.

That was me and Ross.

Oh, that's right.

If you want some extra cash...

some college friends made
good money doing telemarketing.

That's a great idea.
You're really good on the phone.

It'd be better than the last
telephone job I had.

I probably won't have to say
"spank" as much.

What?

Oh, yeah, like you never called.

This is very easy.
You read from the script...

and try to sell as much
toner as you can.

Okay, I can do that.

By the way, I love my office.

- Why don't we do a trial run?
- Oh, okay.

All right.

Hi, this is Phoebe
from Empire Office Supplies.

- Can I speak to your supply manager?
- I'm the supply manager.

I'd like to talk
about your toner needs.

We don't need any.

Okay, sorry to bother you. Bye-bye.

Yeah, you're right. This is easy.

Okay. What was wrong with that call?

Oh, well, all right.

No offense,
but you were kind of rude.

They always say they
don't need toner. That's okay.

Whatever they say, you can find the
answer to it, here in the script.

So I think you're ready to sell toner.

- Do you have any last questions?
- No.

Wait, yes, I do have one question:

What is toner?

Joey?

Joe?

Full bag?

Beer's still cold.

Something terrible
must have happened here.

Oh, no, no, no!

Stevie, I was never here.

- Dad?
- I'm here!

- Hey.
- Hi.

Seems like just yesterday you guys
used to come out to watch me work.

We can't believe
you're selling the house.

Time for a new family
to start here.

I hope their check clears before
they find the crack...

in the foundation
and the asbestos in the ceiling.

Let's grab our stuff and
get the hell out of here.

- Sorry we can't store your things.
- Oh, it's okay.

I can't wait to see everything again.

I don't know what's down here.

But there are six or seven
Easy-Bake Ovens in the attic.

I used to love to play restaurant.

Not as much as you loved to play
"uncooked batter eater."

You can't expect a child to wait
for a light bulb to cook brownies.

So I think your boxes are over here.

Oh, great.

Hey...

whose cigarettes are these?

I don't know.

They must be your mother's.

But please, please don't ask her.
I'll throw these away.

Cool! Dad, my report cards!

Hey, check this out.

Math, "A." Science, "A."
History, "A." Gym...

My rock polisher!

Oh, look, there's your old makeup kit.

It's a clown kit. Clown kit!

But the white seems to be untouched.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

You know how the garage
floods every spring?

How are you ever gonna sell
this place?

I think I accidentally
used Monica's boxes...

to keep the water away
from the Porsche.

Oh, no, Dad. Dad?

What the...

Oh, God. Everything's ruined!

Dad, she's gonna be crushed.

You don't secretly smoke, do you?

No.

So it's just your mother then.

Hi. This is Phoebe
from Empire Office Supplies.

Can I speak to your
supply manager, please?

Earl. Thanks.

Hi, Earl. This is Phoebe
from Empire Office Supplies.

I'd like to talk to you
about your toner needs.

I don't need any toner.

I hear what you're saying, but at
our prices, everyone needs toner.

Not me.

May I ask why?

You want to know why?

You want to know why?

I surely do.

Okay.

I don't need any toner...

because I'm gonna kill myself.

Is that because you're out of toner?

Okay, so no toner today.
Thanks anyway. Bye-bye.

Wait, wait! I can't let you hang up.
Just please talk to me.

Well...

I only had one thing to do today.

I guess I could push it back.

Yeah. Now, why do you
want to kill yourself?

I've been working for 10 years
now at this...

meaningless, dead-end job...

and nobody here
even knows that I exist.

Chandler?

I'm sorry?

Look...

I'm sure that people know
you exist.

Oh, yeah? I work in a cubicle...

surrounded by people.

I've been talking to you for five
minutes now about killing myself...

and no one's even looked up
from their desk. Hang on.

Hey, everybody...

I'm gonna kill myself.

I'll get back to you.

I got nothing.

Wait.

Hey, Marge.

Nothing. Nothing.

Good chair.

Now, if anybody asks...

your name is Rosita.

Come on, Joey. I just bought you a new
chair, the most expensive one in the store.

You know what I was thinking?
We could name her Francette.

Francette?

What is she, a couch?

Poor thing. Cut down in her prime.

Joey, the new chair
will be here in an hour.

Maybe we should move
Rosita out of here.

Start the healing process.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Maybe I'll take her down
to the incinerator.

It's gonna be so sad.

And kind of cool.

She's healed!

- That's weird.
- No, it's not weird.

It's a miracle!

It's not a miracle. I'm sure
there's an explanation.

There is. If your heart is pure,
wondrous things can happen.

- I don't...
- Can you tell me how this happened?

- Well, no.
- Miracle.

No, you know what, maybe somebody
came in here and fixed it. Or something.

Someone like an angel?

That's right, Joey. The chair angel
came in and healed your chair.

Get your non-believer ass
out of my chair!

She'll understand.
I didn't do it on purpose.

Dad, that won't matter to her.

Look, all my stuff is safe and dry.

And all her stuff is...

growing new stuff.

This is the kind of thing...

that makes her think
you love me more than her.

My God. Does she think that?

- Can you blame her?
- I don't know.

We may have favored you unconsciously.
You were a marvel.

- The doctors said your mom couldn't...
- I don't want to hear it.

- Really?
- Well, not right now.

Monica came here for some memories.
Damn it, we'll give her some.

Okay, grab...

Grab some boxes. We'll take stuff
from mine...

and whatever we can pass off
as hers, we'll put in there.

- Like, this. She could have made this.
- Sure.

And this, she could have won this.

- This could have been hers.
- Sure.

- Here, what about this?
- Your makeup kit?

I'd feel better.

I am so psyched
I kept this chair for myself.

Yeah. Me too.

- Hey, how's the miracle chair?
- Fine.

You know, this thing has
speakers in the headrest?

- No, really?
- Yeah.

You can hook it to the TV
and you get radio.

My chair heals itself.

Earl, you're not hearing me. All I'm
saying is, you're not alone, all right?

Everybody hates the people
they work with.

Hey, guy.

Wait, that sounded like
someone being nice to you.

No, that's just the "hey, guy" guy.

He says that to everybody.
He's the worst.

I'd like to take him with me.

All right. Let's just forget about
the people at the office, okay?

There's gotta be someone
worth sticking around for.

What about family or friends?
Maybe a girlfriend?

Yeah, right.

Oh, sorry. Boyfriend?

- Oh, God.
- No, whatever. Anything.

Hey, guy.

Yeah, he's gotta go.

Okay, I should...

be getting back to my thing now.

See you.

I'm not finished!
Don't you dare hang up on me!

The new girl's good.

Hey, guys.

I just whipped us up some Easy-Bake treats.
They should be ready in about three days.

That's a good one!
You hear that, Ross? Three days!

- Oh, this'll make a great memory.
- Okay.

Which boxes are mine?

- These are yours right here.
- Okay.

A coloring book.

You loved that thing.

You never went anywhere without...

without that coloring book.

Really?

Looks like I had trouble
staying in the lines.

Nuh-uh!

- An old glove?
- Yeah, you loved that glove.

You took it every place you went. You
never went anyplace without the glove.

Wow, look at this.

I can't believe I even
fit into this shirt.

Oh, this is yours.

I don't know how that got in there.

This isn't mine.

Hey, this isn't my stuff.

Ross, these are your boxes.

Where are my boxes?

Your boxes are...

- What?
- Dad?

The garage flooded, sweetie,
and ruined your boxes. I'm sorry.

Just mine?

I'm afraid so.

Why wasn't Ross' stuff ruined?

And if you say the words "medical marvel,"
I'm going to Easy-Bake your head.

I used your boxes to divert
water away from the Porsche.

Ross' stuff is fine,
but I have no memories...

so you could keep the bottom
of your car from water?

There was also
leaves and gook and stuff.

I can't believe this!

Screw it. I'm having one.

- Hey, Chandler.
- Hey.

How'd you like to sit
in a chair that reclines...

has a rolling massage...

and speakers in the headrest?

I've tried that so many times...

they won't even let me
in the store anymore.

What if I said you could
do it in my apartment?

Are you telling me...

you bought the chair
that makes all others obsolete?

The chair that Sit Magazine called
"Chair of the Year"?

I just purchased...

the La-Z-Boy E-Cliner 3000.

Well, that's awesome! That's great!
What made you do it?

It's a long story, but,
I broke Joey's chair...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You broke Joey's chair?

I thought I did, that's why
I replaced it with mine.

That's how it got fixed!

You thought that elves
came in and fixed it?

No.

Angels.

I'm getting my chair back.

Well, looks like
it wasn't healed after all!

I guess this chair's mine now.

Joey, you broke my chair!

Your chair?

He thought he broke it,
so he switched chairs.

So there was no miracle?

No, Joe. No miracle.

Oh, no! This is devastating!

My faith is shaken. I'm glad I have
a new chair to get me through this.

Nice try, but you don't
get that chair anymore.

That is my chair now.
You can sit on my lap.

No, I take that back!

I think I should get the chair.

- How do you figure?
- You broke a chair and you broke a chair.

The only one here that hasn't
broken a chair is me.

No, no, no. This chair's
not going anywhere.

- Where's the logic in that?
- The logic...

is that there are two of us...

and we are both strong enough
to break a chair in half.

So Joey breaks my chair,
and I get nothing?

That's right.

What are you guys, like,
a gang or something?

Yeah, we are.

We're the Cobras.

Where can I find Earl?
He's the supply manager here.

I don't know any Earl.

I'm right here!

Earl?

I'm Phoebe.

Phoebe?

The lady who sells toner?

Look, you can't kill yourself.

Look, I really appreciate
you coming down...

No, I can't let you do it.

- Why?
- Because, fate made me call you today.

I thought it was toner.

Think about it, okay?
This isn't even my regular job.

My first day, you're my first call.

Somebody else may have hung up,
but I wouldn't do that...

because I know about this stuff.

- My mom killed herself.
- Really?

- How?
- I'm not gonna give you tips.

Don't you see that this...

all came together so I could
stop you from doing this?

- Couldn't it just be a coincidence?
- No, it's fate.

It doesn't really seem like
enough to be fate.

Oh, well.

Okay, here's a weird thing.

My mother was also a supply manager.

I'm actually the office manager.

Oh, my God! So was she!

And get this, okay.

Your name is Earl, right?
Her name was Pearl.

Puh-Earl.

Was there anything else?

Sure.

Where're you from?

- Philadelphia.
- Oh, my God, so was she!

I've got goose bumps.

- Really?
- I'm wearing layers, and it's warm.

These jerks might not care about you...

but the universe does,
and that says a lot.

Did you hear that?

I don't need you guys
to care about me...

because the universe cares!

The whole universe!

I really wish they'd care
a little bit.

You know, I don't think it's you.
This is a freaky place.

Hey, guys!

- Oh, no, it's you.
- Yeah.

Oh, this is terrible.

Everything is destroyed.

Look at this.

It meant enough for me to save,
and now I can't tell what it is.

It's still soft.

What do you think this is?

I think it was a mouse.

- How are you, honey?
- How do you think I am?

You've wrecked my childhood memories...

you love Ross more than me.

And I just rubbed
a dead mouse on my face.

Sweetheart, we love you
just as much as Ross.

I'm sorry about what happened...

and I probably can't
make it up to you...

but here's a start.

- What's this?
- It's the key to my Porsche.

Well, the key to your Porsche.

What?

What?!

I've considered getting rid of it.
I saw my reflection the other day.

Your mother's right,
I do look like an ass.

You're giving it to me?
You're kidding.

Well, wait a minute.

A couple of stupid boxes get wet,
and she gets a Porsche?

- Let's take a drive?
- All right!

What about me? I'm a medical marvel!

Hey, guys.

Have you seen Chandler's chair?

Joey broke it. He got rid of it.

Are you kidding? I get a Porsche
and the Barcalounger's gone?

This is the best day ever!