Friends (1994–2004): Season 6, Episode 8 - The One with Ross' Teeth - full transcript

Hi, my name's Chandler.
I just moved in next door.

Would you like to battle me
in a post-apocalyptic world...

...for control of the galaxy's
last remaining energy source?

Sure, neighbor. Come on in.

Is Janine around?

She's at dance class.

Can I check my room?

Don't go through her stuff.
She gets really mad.

Oh, my God.

It's like a guy never lived in here.

You gotta be careful. This girl
thing is dangerous. It's spreading.



It is?

Is this your pretty pink pillow
on the couch?

No.

Is that your tiny little box that's
too small to put anything in?

- No.
- No.

Okay, this is not good.
You are a guy, okay?

This is a "guy's" place.

Soon, you'll be soaking
your fingers in stuff.

- You're right. I'll talk to her.
- Talk to her. Be a man.

- I'm a man.
- Defend yourself.

We have to hem the new dust ruffle.

Be right there, sweetums.

Totally different situation.

Hey, guys.



- How was breakfast with Hillary?
- Okay.

She's still depressed because
she broke up with her boyfriend.

Is this Hillary,
your hot assistant chef, Hillary?

- Yeah.
- The one that stares at me?

No. The one who looked at you once
because you got in her way.

Still, I could tell. She was into me.

Why don't you set us up?

Ooh, are you setting Ross up
with someone?

Does she have a wedding dress?

Hey.
Hey.

Rachel, I'm making up flyers
to try to get new massage clients.

So can I come to Bloomingdale's
and use the copy machine?

Well, sure, but they might think it's weird
considering I don't work there anymore.

Oh, my God. What happened?

I got a job at Ralph Lauren.

Well, that's great. Congratulations.

A year ago.

You've lasted all year. Good for you.

But, Pheebs, you could still use
the copy machine where I actually work.

But come by at lunch
so my boss doesn't see you.

Kim will freak out.
She already doesn't like me.

- I don't think my boss likes me.
- I don't think mine likes me either.

Maybe it's a universal thing.

Or maybe because you're all hanging
around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday.

Yeah, let's head off to work.

Thank you.
Sure.

You will not believe this.

I was making copies,
and Ralph Lauren came in.

Oh, my God. Did you talk to him?

Yeah, a little. He seems really nice.

- Good kisser.
- What?

What?

- You kissed him?
- Totally.

Phoebe, are you serious?

Yeah, I was just in there,
he came in and introduced himself.

The next thing I know,
we're making out.

Phoebe, you do know he's married?

No.

Phoebe.

What am I supposed to do, ask every guy
I make out with if he's married?

No, yeah, I should.

- Hey, Joey.
Hey.

Uh, can I talk to you for a second?
There's a kid in this picture.

Do you, uh, know this kid?
Is it a relative?

No. I just thought it was cute.

Yeah, that's what I was afraid of.
Okay, uh...

Look, Janine, I really want you
to feel at home here, but...

...some of this new stuff,
it's too girlie.

Oh. Like what?

Uh, like this.
Pictures of cute babies we don't know.

We can't have that.

Joey, it's Anne Geddes.
She's a famous artist.

I don't know this baby.
I don't know if she's a famous artist or not.

I don't want to be a jerk, but
you're changing too much around here.

I'm sorry. I just thought
I'd try and make the place a little nicer.

Yeah, but it's too much stuff.

You know, you got the candles and
the "foofy schmoofer" thing here.

Over here, you got
a picture of a watering can.

- I just thought...
- I'm sure it's a famous watering can.

But come on.

And what is with the really hot stick
in the bathroom?

It's a curling iron.

Oh. Well, that's okay then.

Okay, my towels, for instance.
I come into the bathroom...

...and my towel is not on the floor,
where I keep it.

It's up here on some hook.
And it smells different.

- It's clean.
- Yeah, well, it feels different.

It's dry.

All right, I can make my peace
with the clean, dry towels.

Okay, also, what is with
these chips you bought?

No, no, no. It's potpourri.
You're supposed to smell it.

Well, that's like summer in a bowl.

Oh.

Kim, hi.

Uh-huh.

So I handed in that marketing report,
and I never got to hear what you thought.

- I didn't read it.
- Ah.

So, wow, the spring line's really
gonna be great this year, huh?

Yeah.

So I hear, uh, Ralph Lauren fooled around
with someone in the copy room.

Tell me everything.

Hey, guys.
- Hey.

What's up?

You know...

Oh, my God.

What happened to your teeth?

I whitened them.

Really?

Yeah, what do you think?

I think I shouldn't look
directly at them.

Come on, seriously.

- They're really, really, really white.
- What was wrong with your old...

...human teeth?

I did leave the gel on
a little longer than it said to.

- How much longer?
- A day.

Ross, tonight is your date with Hillary.

I know. That's why I did it.
Are they really that bad?

No. No, no, no.

You'll be fine.
Hillary's blind, right?

She will be after tonight.

Oh, Rach.
Uh, do you notice anything...?

Your teeth?
Yes, I saw them from outside.

You guys are never gonna
believe this...

...but Phoebe made out
with Ralph Lauren.

- What?
- Oh, my God.

She ran into him at my office,
and they just made out.

The craziest thing is,
now my boss likes me because...

...it's the best gossip
she's heard all year.

I am proud of all my friends today.

Rachel, I can't believe Phoebe
made out with Ralph Lauren.

Ugh. I'm so jealous.

Hi, I'm Chandler,
your live-in boyfriend.

Chandler, please. Come on.

Look at him.

Well, I am no woman,
but that is one tasty dish.

Hey.

Here. Ooh.

Who's the silver fox?

That is your make-out buddy.
Don't you recognize him?

Oh, wait. "Ooh, Phoebe, I love you.
Kiss me, please."

That's not Ralph Lauren.
It sounds like him, though.

What?

Yeah, no, Ralph doesn't look
like that guy.

He's young, and he's got long hair
and a beard and a Hacky Sack...

Oh, my God. That's not Ralph Lauren.
That's Kenny the copy guy.

What?

Oh, God... I told my boss that someone
made out with Ralph Lauren.

If she finds out that I lied to her,
she is gonna hate me even more. Phoebe!

Why would the copy guy
say he's Ralph Lauren?

To get you to make out with him.

Oh.

Okay, maybe this will make them
look less white.

Nope. Heh.

Okay, so colors that don't work are...

...blue, yellow, green, red, black,
white, orange and purple.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.
The date starts in an hour.

Ross, maybe if your skin was lighter,
your teeth wouldn't look so bright.

Oh, great. So all I need to do
is get some new skin. Thank you.

If we put just a little bit
of makeup on you...

Whoa, whoa.

We're not 13 anymore.

Ross, this is the only thing left
that has a shot at working.

Won't she notice I have makeup on?

Half the guys out there
have makeup on.

What?

Half the people... I mean...
Just try it and see.

No, I am not putting on makeup.

Hello? Ross, could you put up
some of these flyers for me?

No! Demon! Demon!

Now our drawers will smell nice,
and we didn't waste these pantyhose.

God forbid we throw out old underwear.

You know what?
I'm gonna go over to Joey's.

We're supposed to organize
the wrapping paper.

Yes, but I've really gotten in touch
with my feminine side enough today.

In fact, we're two sachets away
from becoming a lesbian couple.

This has been kind of a girlie day.
You're right. I'm sorry.

It's okay. I just feel like I need
to be in a guy place...

...do kind of a man thing.

Go over to Joey's and...

...drink some beer and
hammer up some dry wall.

When guys hang out, they don't just
drink beer and hammer up dry wall.

When girls hang out, we don't have
pillow fights in our underwear.

I'm sorry. We do. We do.

I don't know why I said that.

Hey, Chandler.

Come on in.
We're knitting potholders.

No, thanks, Josephine.

Ross, I was wondering if...

Oh, my God. Where are all the men?

- Oh. Hi, Kim.
- Hi, Rachel.

Uh, remember that thing that happened
yesterday? Well, it didn't happen.

You didn't cancel the fabric order
from Taiwan?

Okay, two things didn't happen.

Remember I told you someone
made out with Ralph Lauren?

Well, it turns out that's not true.

It's not true?
Oh, that's interesting.

Because I checked. Only one keycard
was used to access the copy machine...

...yesterday during lunch,
and that keycard belonged to you, Rachel.

Oh, no. No, no, no. Oh, God,
you think I made out with him?

Listen to me, if you think sleeping
with Ralph is gonna get you my job...

...you are sadly mistaken.

Oh, no. I don't want your job. I don't.

Oh, this is such a mistake.
I didn't make out with him.

Nobody made out with him.
I did not use my keycard yesterday.

I don't even know
how to use my keycard.

Hi, Ralph.
- Hi, Kim.

Yeah. Nothing happened.

You could cut the sexual tension
in here with a knife.

After that, what could I do
except become a chef?

Mm-hm.

And someday soon,
I hope to open my own restaurant.

Mm.

You know, you're a really great listener.

Most guys I go out with,
they just talk and talk.

After a while, it's like, "Shut your mouth."
You know?

I've probably been talking too much.
Why don't we talk about you?

Come on, I want to know.

Okay. I'm from Long Island.

I came to the city for college.

Um, I, uh, have a 5-year-old son,
and in my spare time...

...I like to read spy novels.
But let's talk more about you. Hmm?

So if you sear the stems
of the flowers first in a frying pan...

...your arrangement will
look fresh much longer.

Joey, that is such a great tip.

Monica, can you excuse us?
I need to talk to the girl with the flowers.

Okay, but, Joey, come over later.

I'm gonna teach you
how to make a bird feeder...

...out of just a pine cone
and some peanut butter.

Aw. I love birds.

What is the matter with you?

- What?
- You're arranging flowers.

You got dead flowers.

You've got a picture of a baby
dressed like flowers.

This is not Joey.

Hey, hey, look, I am still Joey, okay?

Flowers, they're just, you know,
nice to look at.

And that happens to be a picture
by a famous artist of a famous baby.

You're turning into a woman.

No, I'm not.

Why would you say that?
That's just mean.

Now I've upset you? What did I say?

It's not what you said.
It's the way you said it.

Oh, my God.

I'm a woman.

So now she thinks that I made out with him
and that I did it to get her job.

- Why didn't you just tell the truth?
- I did.

She doesn't think anyone would confuse
Kenny the copy guy with Ralph Lauren.

Well, what if Kenny were the real brains
behind the whole company?

What if Kenny hired that Ralph guy
to be the pretty front man, huh?

Did she ever think of that?

You were with Kenny today, weren't you?

- Just for a second.
- Ugh.

- Phoebe, what am I gonna do?
- Well...

The only thing you can do.
Sleep with Ralph Lauren.

I'm not gonna sleep with Ralph Lauren.
I mean, I could, but I wouldn't.

Ooh. Sleep with Kenny.

- That wouldn't help me.
- Oh, yes, it would.

- I've had a really good time tonight.
- Mm-hm.

You know, I rarely connect with someone
this much on the first date.

Me neither.

Uh, I've had a really
good time too, you know.

Are you gonna eat that bread?

Oh, I just like the smell.

Mm.

You make me laugh.

Would you like to move over
to the couch?

Mm-hm.

Maybe I'll just turn down
the lights a little?

How about all the way?

Okay.

Wow, cool poster.

Or should I say, "groovy poster"?

So, uh...

...where were we?

Are those your teeth?

Oh.

You can see them, huh?

Yes. They're insanely white.

I did that for you.

What's the matter with you?

What's the matter with me?
You've got a black light. It's 1999.

Oh, good. Kim, hi.

Hi, Rachel. Oh. I wanted to ask you, have
you seen the new Ralph Lauren sheets?

What am I thinking?
Of course you have.

Okay, look.

I'm sorry that I lied to you before.

You were right. Ralph and I were
an item, but we're not anymore.

Oh, really?

Yeah, he dumped me.

He said, "Rachel, I can't do this.

Even though you're a very, very...

...very beautiful woman...

...I can't do this.
I'm married and I'm sorry."

And I don't know why, but he said,
"And you will never get promoted...

...especially not above Kim,
who is an integral cog...

...in the Ralph Lauren machine."

You expect me to believe...

Hi, Ralph.
- Hi, Kim.

Oh, my God.

He just gave you the coldest look
I've ever seen. It's like he hates you.

Then it is true.

Of course it's true.
And it hurts so bad.

Oh, honey, come here.

Oh, it'll be okay.

We've all been there.

You and Ralph?

Kenny the copy boy.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Uh, I need to talk to you.
- What's the matter? You upset?

I'm sorry, but we gotta get rid of
all this girlie stuff in here.

I, uh... I gotta be a man.

Okay? The living room
has to remain a guy place, okay?

That's just the way it has to be.

If that's what you want,
I'll just put it all in my room.

Good. Great.

And, uh, thanks for being
so understanding.

I didn't want to make
a big deal out of this.

But you could, uh, put the picture
of the famous baby in my room.

I mean, if you want to.

Okay.

And, uh, maybe the watering can there.

Sure.

And a couple of these
little tiny boxes.

Joey, do you want me
to put it all in your room?

Okay.