Friends (1994–2004): Season 6, Episode 4 - The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance - full transcript

Monica, which of all of this
kitchen stuff is mine?

This bottle opener.

- And...?
- And it's a magnet.

Look at that!

How weird is that?
You're moving in with me...

and you have the one thing
I don't have.

It's like, in a way,
you complete me.

- Kitchen.
- What?

You complete me kitchen, matey!

I know what you're thinking.

That she'll move in with you, then
fall in love with you, and then...



when she finds out you're already
married, she'll be happy.

You know? You're just very sad.

Oh, my God!

I see what this is.
You are in love with Rachel!

It all adds up! You're obsessed
with her. It's always:

"What will you do about Rachel?
Why are you moving in with Rachel?

When will you confess your secret
marriage to Rachel?" You want her!

Saved by the bell.

Aren't these candlesticks mine?

No, I bought those.

Oh, right. I forgot.

That you're a liar!

That's great! I'll be there Monday.
And thank you again.

That was the head
of the paleontology department...



at N...

Y...

U.

Wow. What...

did he...

say?

Remember that paper I had published
last year on sediment flow rate?

- They loved it.
- Well, who wouldn't?

I know!

Anyway, they asked me
to be a guest lecturer.

It's temporary, but if they like me,
it could lead to a full-time job.

How great would that look
on the mailbox? Professor Geller.

Professor and Mrs.

And Mrs.?

You and Ross are still married.

What?

Just kidding!

Oh, God!

Saved your ass.

The One Where Joey Loses His lnsurance

What's the matter?

You know that psychic I see?

She told me I'm gonna die this week,
so I'm bummed.

I know you don't know about readings,
but that's the worst you can get.

That's crazy.

She'd say that to you?

You don't believe her, do you?

I don't know. She said
that I'd have triplets...

but she also said one of them
would be black.

Just out of curiosity,
did she say how you'd go?

She didn't tell me I'd die
till the end of the session.

I wasn't gonna waste
a whole other hour there!

I've only got a week left.

I've really gotta start living now!

Hey, everyone.

Well, today's my first lecture...

and I wanted to try it out
on you guys. Do you mind?

No, that'd be great!

"There are three primary theories
concerning sediment flow rate.

Each of these theories can be further
subcategorized into two..."

This is it.
This is what's gonna kill me.

"subcategories. The first
of these subcategories is.."

Are there naked chicks
on that piece of paper?

No. Why?

I never seen a guy stare so hard at
something that didn't have chicks on it.

"There are three primary theories...

concerning sediment flow rate.

Each of these theories...

can be further subcategorized...

into.."

Why don't you open with a joke?

Open with a joke?
It's a university, not a comedy club.

Wait a minute, hold the phone.

You're not talking
about Chuckles University?

Come on, we're kidding.

You know what might make it
less boring?

Thank you.

Some visual aids.

- You know what's a good visual aid?
- Don't say naked chicks.

Why not?

I don't even know why I talk
to you guys about it.

I'm just gonna do it on my own,
with no naked chicks.

That's the way I did it
till I was 19.

All right, 20.

Twenty-three.

Any good mail?

Something from
the Screen Actors Guild.

It's probably a residual check.
Can you open it? I got....

"Benefits lapsed."

That's weird.

I don't remember being in a movie
called Benefits Lapsed.

It's not a check. Your health
insurance expired because...

- you didn't work enough last year.
- Let me see that.

Oh, I can't believe this!

This sucks!

When I had insurance,
I could get hit by a bus...

or catch on fire, you know?

And it wouldn't matter.
Now I gotta be careful?

I'm sorry. There's never
a good time to have to...

stop catching on fire.

All right, well...

I guess I gotta go see my agent.

Make sure to look both ways
before you cross the street.

"Make sure to look both ways
before you cross the street."

Hey, you're still alive!

How are you feeling?

It's so exhausting, waiting for death.

Oh, by the way, do you think you..

What are you doing?

Preparing you for..
Didn't you think I was dead?

Did that not come off?

Yeah, scared the hell out of me.
I thought we'd lost you forever.

- You wanna lie down?
- Yeah, thanks.

Can you do me a favor?

Wake me up in a couple hours.

You know, if you can.

Did you take these back?

I liked them so much
that I bought some for myself.

They're really great, aren't they?

I love them.

Nice try.

How'd the lecture go?

It went great.

And I didn't need any jokes
or naked chicks either.

That's great. I'm sorry
we weren't supportive before.

I knew I just had to let
the material speak for itself.

Everyone's all, "Ross, you have
to be funny and sexy."

Well, I proved them wrong!

And now I'm gonna pass
the news on to Joey and Chandler.

- That you're not funny or sexy?
- That's right!

- Hey, Estelle, listen..
- Well, well, well.

Joey Tribbiani.

So you came back, huh?

They think they can do better,
but they all...

come crawling back to Estelle.

What are you talking about?

I never left you.
You've always been my agent.

Really?

Oh, well, no harm no foul.

Look, you gotta get me some work.
I lost my health insurance.

All right, first thing we gotta do:
damage control.

- Why?
- Well, I think...

someone out there...

may have been bad-mouthing you
all over town.

The bastard!

We're early.
The lecture doesn't end for 15 minutes.

- But we could sneak in and watch.
- Yeah, we could.

Hey, look. There's some
Kappa Kappa Deltas. I was a Kappa.

Hey, sisters.

Wow, we really are bitches.

Right. So when Rigby got his samples
back from the laboratory...

he made a startling discovery.

What he believed to be igneous
was, in fact, sedimentary.

Imagine his consternation when..

Oh, bloody hell.

So Estelle lined up a bunch
of auditions for me tomorrow.

And I'll have my health insurance
back in no time.

That's great, but shouldn't you
be on the toilet right now?

- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing.

I got this blinding pain in my stomach
when I was lifting weights before.

And then I passed out...

and I haven't been able
to stand up since.

But I don't think
it's anything serious.

This sounds like a hernia.
Go to the doctor.

No way. If I go to the doctor, it'll be for
this thing sticking out of my stomach!

That's a hernia.

Why'd I have to start
working out again?

Damn you, 15s!

What the hell are you doing?

Look, I was nervous.

You guys had me all worried
I was gonna be boring.

I got up there and they were
all, like, staring at me.

I opened my mouth and this
British accent just came out.

Yeah, and not a very good one.

Will you, please...?

Dr. Geller? Kurt Rathman.

I'm a paleontology professor here.

Do you have a moment
to talk about your lecture?

I'm sorry, I've got plans
with my sister.

Monica Geller.

Right. Will you excuse us
for one moment?

- What are you doing?
- You can have an accent, but I can't?

Top of the morning to you, laddies!

Would you just please stop?

Yes, yes, Bombay is very, very nice
this time of year.

Hey, will you grab me a cruller?

Sit down!

Will you go to the hospital?

Hernia operations cost...

a lot probably, okay?

Besides, it's getting darker and more
painful. That means it's healing.

Look, I'll loan you the money.

Just go to the hospital and
let's just get that thing...

pushed back in.

Thank you, but it'd take me
forever to pay you back.

I don't want that
hanging over my head.

Besides, when my
insurance kicks in...

I can get all the free
operations I want.

I'll probably start
with that laser eye surgery.

What's going on?

Joey's got a hernia, but it's nothing
a little laser eye surgery won't fix.

I'm telling you,
if I put my hand on my stomach...

it doesn't hurt that bad.

Hey, maybe you'll die!

Chandler, I'm scared.

No, we can go together.

Just don't wait too long, because I'm
out of here sometime before Friday.

But I don't want to die.

It'll be fun. We'll come back
and haunt these guys!

Wait. Could I come back and haunt Monica
and Rachel when they're in the shower?

- That's my girlfriend.
- Hey, I'm dead!

- Give me them!
- No, they are mine!

- You stole them from me!
- You stole them from me!

Give me them!

Just wanna each take one?

Yeah, that seems fair.
We never use them.

Look, I really need
some help, okay?

Why did I have to speak
in a British accent?

What do I do?

Why don't you call
Mummy and Daddy?

I'm serious! Someone's gonna find out and
then they're never gonna offer me a job.

Why don't you phase it out?
Yeah, phase the accent out.

People will think you're
adjusting to life in America.

Come on.
No one will even notice.

They're probably not even
listening to you.

They're not listening to me?

Of course they're listening to you.

Everybody listens to you.

Monica, do you think I should
try this phasing-out thing?

I think you look fine.

Whenever you're ready.

Hey, Timmy.

I've got a surprise...

for you.

Hold it. I'm sorry.

The surprise is a new swing set.
If you could play it less intense.

Oh, yeah. Sure, no problem.

Just hold on one second.

Hey, Timmy.

I've got a surprise for you!

Oh, my God!

So that's why I feed my dog
Purina One.

Pick up a bag today.

- That's where you pick up the bag.
- Exactly.

The line is, "Pick up a bag,"
so you need to pick up the bag.

Or I could just point to it.

Purina One. Point to a bag today.

I didn't get it, did I?

Joey Tribbiani.

I'm here to audition for "Man."

You mean "Dying Man."

- Do it one more time.
- Really? Really? Okay.

Hello, Ross? This is Dr. McNeely
from the Fake Accent University.

We'd like you
to come onboard full-time!

Listen to this!

My reading was wrong.
I'm not going to die.

Really? How do you know?

My psychic is dead!

She must have read
the cards wrong.

I'm sorry.

Better her than me.

Hey, let's bake cookies!

Listen, I'm really glad
you got the part.

Are you sure you can do this?

And thanks for coming with me.

And thanks again
for helping me take a shower.

Now, is that
"never talking about it again"?

We're ready for you.

This is Alex.
He'll be playing your son.

Hi, Alex.

As you can see, my hands
are not in my pants.

All right, Alex.
Now, when Joey says his line...

"Take good care of your mama, son,"
that's your cue to cry. Got it?

All right, let's do this.

Scene five, take one.

And action!

Take good care of your mama, son.

Take good care of your mama, son.

Come on, son.

Your mama's good people.

Cut! Alex, remember, you're
supposed to cry.

Can you cry for us this time?

All right. From the top.

Scene five, take two.

Take 36 is up.

Let's try this again.

You ready, Joe?

One thing, is it all right
if I scream...

right up until
you say, "Action"?

Sure.

- Action!
- Take good care of your mama, son.

Cut!

I'm sorry. Why don't you lift up your
shirt? Take a look at this, kiddo.

We have a crying child!
Roll the damn cameras!

- Hello, is Ross there?
- No, he's not. Can I take a message?

Yes, this is Russell,
Ross' divorce lawyer.

Since I haven't heard from him, I
assume he's giving the marriage a try.

Ross got married again?

All right, keep going.
We are phasing the accent out.

Phasing it out.

"So without retesting their results
in the laboratory...

the team would never
have identified...

the initial errors
in their carbon dating...

analysis."

Were there any questions
at this point?

What's happening to your accent?

Come again? What's this nonsense?

All right. I'm not English.

I'm from Long lsland.

I was really nervous,
and the accent...

just came out.

I'm sorry.

So if we could just
get back to the lecture.

Were there any questions?

About paleontology?

I was just trying to make
a good first impression.

Obviously, I screwed up. But what
you guys think of me is important...

because I'm hoping to get
a permanent job here.

So if you'd just give me another
chance to make a good impression..

Ross! Are you crazy?

I am still your wife?
Were you just never gonna tell me?

What the hell is wrong with you?

I could just kill you!

Well, hello, Rachel!

You've really done this before?

You just take a big, big swing, okay?

Now, don't hold back.

What are you doing?

We're just celebrating that Joey
got his health insurance back.

Oh, all right.

See? Now let's try one without the helmet.