Friends (1994–2004): Season 6, Episode 22 - The One Where Paul's the Man - full transcript

- Hi, you guys.
- Hey.

What's the matter?

Well, it's just... It's one
of these situations that I just hate.

You know,
a massage client gave me three tickets...

...to the Helmut Peltz Exhibit
at the Morgan Chase Museum.

Now you're thinking
you gotta sleep with him.

No. No, it's just that he gave me
three tickets and there are six of us.

- I'll give up my ticket.
- Me too.

Okay. That's so generous.

And I think Ross is generous too.

Great. Okay. Then it's just us girls.



- Great.
- Yeah.

So, what is the exhibit?

It's mostly just photographs...

...of, um, lesbian love scenes interspersed
with video games and free sandwiches.

Oh, man.

- Hi.
Hi. Hi there.

Hey, Ross, listen.

Chandler got you out of going to the
lesbian sandwich museum this weekend.

Thanks? But I have plans.
Uh, Elizabeth and I are going out of town.

- Oh, that's great.
- Yeah.

Think about all the money
that you're gonna make.

Why? What?

Well, her father pays you
for babysitting, right?

- Uh-oh.
- Ha, ha.



No, no. That's funny.
But maybe it's time to move on.

You know, let it go. Stop it.

Besides, Rachel's going out
with Elizabeth's father.

So, uh, he's much older than she is.

Looks like I'm not the only one
interested in fossils. Huh?

Ross, all that does is remind us
that you are interested in fossils.

Okay, okay.

Uh, well, Rachel's gonna need to yell
sweet nothings in his ear. Huh?

- Ross?
- Oh, come on, that's funny, you know?

Because he's got, like, a hearing aid,
you know?

Because he's all old.

One second.

Okay, look, Ross.

Just so you know,
since Lizzie likes you so much...

...I accept the fact
that you're going out with her.

Really? Okay, that's great.

Yeah. But then I changed my mind.

I'm funny like that.

So I've told Lizzie
and now I'm telling you.

I don't want you seeing
my daughter anymore.

All right, look. I realize it upsets you.

Yes, it does.

But Elizabeth and I are both adults...

...and so I don't think there's really
anything you can do about it.

I'll tell the university about
your relationship and have you fired.

Oh, a man with a plan.

This is so exciting. You get your picture
back up on the wall of fame.

I know. It was so cool
when it was up there before.

Me and Jim Belushi would just be
cracking up about something.

Then I get fired off Days of Our Lives
and he takes me down.

Now he's just laughing at me.

Look at him. That smug Belushi bastard.

Oh. Okay. Maybe when they put
your picture back up...

...they could put you next to Matt Lauer.

Look at him just smiling at me. Hee-hee.

Yeah, I know. We'd be great together.

- Hey. So I'm back.
- Who are you?

Joey Tribbiani.

From the wall?

Okay, maybe this
will jog your memory, huh?

Huh?

Okay, anyway.

I'm ready to go back up on the wall.
I'm the star of a new TV show.

- Show me in the TV book.
- Oh, well, it's not on TV yet.

Well, then it's not on the wall yet.

Okay, fine. I will bring you a tape. Huh?

So, um, now, do you have any
of Matt Lauer's clothes here?

Maybe just ones
that haven't been cleaned yet?

God.

I love museums.

- Soaking up all the culture.
- Yeah.

- Where do you want to start?
- Ooh, the gift shop.

Yeah.

- Hey, and then lunch.
- Oh, wait, yes, but I can't eat too much.

Paul's taking me out to dinner tonight.
He said he has a big surprise planned.

Ow, wow. What do you think?
Maybe he's gonna tell you he's gay?

What? No, why?

No reason. That would just be
a really big surprise, right?

You could put the aisle over here
and then have the wedding ceremony here.

I didn't know
you could get married here.

This would be a beautiful place
to get married.

Yeah, but I wouldn't put the aisle there.
And I'd never have the ceremony there.

You'd have the ceremony
under this big, beautiful arch.

May I help you?

Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt.
It's a beautiful space.

- Do you do a lot of weddings here?
- Yes, we're very popular.

There's a two-year waiting list. Sorry.

Monica, you should totally put
your name down for this place.

What? Are you crazy?

I'm not getting married.
I'm not even engaged.

Yeah, but there's a two-year wait.
What if you get engaged in two years?

Then you've gotta wait
another two years for this place?

That's four years.
Chandler's not gonna wait that long.

He's gonna find somebody else,
you know?

- Someone who put their name on the list.
- Mm-hm.

Yeah. Honey, it can't hurt
to put your name down.

If in two years you're not engaged,
you just don't use it.

Well, I guess there is no harm
in putting my name down.

- I'm gonna do it too.
- Me too.

Really? Who would you marry?

I don't know.
I don't have anyone right now, you know?

Oh, Pheebs.

Don't feel too sorry for me.
At least my boyfriend isn't gay.

- Phoebe, that's not...
- Don't even get me started on yours.

Hey.

- So, did you watch the tape of my show?
- I did.

- All right. Let's get me back up there.
- No. You don't go up on the wall.

- What? But you saw the show.
- Yes. It was very offensive to my people.

Dry cleaners?

Russians. It showed them
as terrorists and villains.

Okay, okay.
Look, you got Harrison Ford up there.

That's right.
Mr. Ford is a very good customer.

He brings us a lot of clothes.
You bring us nothing.

Okay, well, that may be true.

But in Air Force One, okay,
the Russians were terrorists and evil.

And plus, he kills a bunch of them.
That's offensive to Russians.

- I've never seen it.
- Oh, you should. It's great.

This place is really beautiful.

Yeah. I've been coming here since I was
a kid. This used to be my grandma's.

Wow. The only thing I got
from my grandmother was her eyes. Heh.

I mean, not her actual eyeballs.

But people say that my eyes look...

- Do you want to make out?
- Sure. Ha, ha.

Are you okay?

- What's wrong?
- Uh...

Yeah, I was just thinking
about your father.

- Well, whatever works for you.
- No.

No, no. Uh, he just really
freaked me out before.

Oh.

Well, so we have to hide our relationship
from one more person.

Big deal.
Besides, we've had fun hiding it.

Yeah.

- Hey.
- Yeah.

Um, you brought protection, right?

Why? Are there, like, bears
or something?

- No.
- Oh, uh...

Oh, protection, yeah.
No. That I forgot.

Ha, ha. I'll just run to the store
and get some.

No. Hey, hey. I'm the guy. I'll get it.

- Do you know where the store is?
- No.

Do you want to ride around town
on my little pink bicycle?

A little bit.

- I'll be back in 10 minutes.
- Okay.

Why don't you get in the hot tub
and I'll meet you there.

Oh, okay.

Oh, my God. What a great
surprise. This is such a beautiful house.

Thank you. It used to be
my mother's. So this is the kitchen.

You've reached Monica and Chandler's.

If you're listening to this message,
we're probably screening.

Yeah, we are.

Hi, this is Hildy
from the Morgan Chase Museum.

I'm calling for Monica Geller.

I want to let her know
there was a cancellation.

If she's still interested in having
the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility...

...it is available.

This is Chandler Bing.
This is Chandler Bing.

Yes, the groom. No, not the groom!

It's so secluded up here.

- I know. That's why I like it here.
- Mm-hm.

I feel like we're the only two people
in the world.

Whoops. Sorry.

What's the matter, honey?

- Did you see a little mouse?
- No. Big bear. Big bear outside.

I think I...

Actually, would you go check on that?

Honey, we don't have any bears here.

Well, okay.

Would you get me a Diet Coke?

- Okay. Be right back.
- Okay.

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?

- I came with Paul.
- Yeah. I recognized the ankles.

Hurry up. Get out.

Here you go, honey.

- Ah. Thank you.
- Diet Coke.

Oh. Ice.

I need ice.

Okay.

- Thank you.
- Be right back.

Okay.

- You and your ice.
- Oh.

Get out. Get out. Go. Come on.

Quick.

No, not in there! Not in there!
He's in there!

- Did you really hear a bear?
- Go!

Here you go, honey.

One Diet Coke with ice.

Oh, thank you.

I am so happy that you're here.

- Here I am.
- Elizabeth.

Oh, look. Elizabeth's here.

Who were you talking to?

You guys?

How did you know we were here?

- Um...
- Well, she obviously saw the tire tracks...

...that were leading up
to the closed garage.

Obviously. Heh.

Elizabeth, what are you doing here?

Did you come up here to work on
that term paper or something?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, why don't you, you know,
go in that room and do your homework?

Oh, I wouldn't do it in there.
Um, that's my dad's bedroom.

That's your dad's bedroom.

Ha, ha. That's your dad's bedroom.

Ho-ho.

- Why are you yelling?
- Oh!

That Diet Coke, I think,
went straight to my head. Whoo!

Hi, honey.

See you later.

Wait. I bought groceries.
I was gonna make you dinner.

Well, next time, ask.

Or at least wait for me to ask.

Hi, this is Hildy
from the Morgan Chase Museum.

I'm calling for Monica Geller.

Oh, no.

I wanna let her know
there's been a cancellation.

If she's still interested in having
the Bing-Geller wedding at our facility...

...it is available.

Please. He didn't hear it.

This is Chandler Bing.
This is Chandler Bing.

No!

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah. Where's the guy who decides
whose pictures go up on the wall?

- He's not here right now.
- Oh, you're kidding me.

All right, well, make sure you tell him that
Joey Tribbiani dropped off these clothes.

Okay? I'm an actor. I'm trying to get
my picture up there on the wall.

You know, there are two people
who could get your picture up there.

Oh, really?

Well, maybe you and I go out for drinks.

You're the other one, right?

So, Lizzie, are you planning
on staying the night?

Oh, no, no. Believe me,
I'm leaving as soon as possible.

Good, good. Not that we don't want you
to stay. Obviously, you're welcome.

How much more homework
do you have?

Uh, I just have one problem left
that I do not know how to solve.

Uh, Rachel, maybe you want to
come upstairs and help me figure it out?

Really?

Okay.

Okay, I'll go upstairs...

...if you get me something from the car.

What do you need from the car?

Surprise me.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So you're gonna be in the car.
I will be upstairs.

And that's where everybody's gonna be.

Just relax. Just relax, Paul.
You're doing great.

She likes you. She...

I think she likes you. She likes you.

You know why?
Because you're a neat guy.

You are the man.

Still got it.

Still sexy.

You're just a love machine.

I'm just a love machine

So proud of what you have, baby

Showtime.

I'mjust a love machine
Hey, baby

- Phoebe?
- Yeah?

- Have you seen Chandler?
- No, why?

The woman from the museum called
and said that there was a cancellation...

...and we could move up our wedding.
Chandler heard.

I know. How bad is this?

Well, with a regular guy, it's bad.
With Chandler, oh, dear God.

I know. I know. He totally freaked out
and I can't find him anywhere.

- Well, what are you gonna do?
- I'm never listening to you again, for sure.

"What harm can it do
to put your name down?"

- Rachel said that.
- Well, Rachel's not here!

Ooh, here it is.

Ooh, Joey, why did you sign it,
"son of a bitch"?

- I didn't do that. Who would've done that?
- Son of a bitch.

Okay. Maybe ask this guy.

You. Get out of my shop.

- What did he do?
- He went out with my wife.

- Joey.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, I did not go out with your wife.
Okay?

- I went out with her.
- That's my wife.

Get out!

- Well, we should go.
- Yeah.

Ross?

Elizabeth.

Okay. Okay.
I'm gonna go out this window.

I'll meet you at the front door.

- Just tell them you're going home, okay?
- Okay.

Wait, wait. No, don't go in there.

Don't go in there. I need another soda.

Ross.

Oh, my God. Ross, what in heaven's name
are you doing here?

And that is why we cannot
see each other anymore.

Ross, you and I are gonna have
to have a little talk.

- Daddy, I...
- You're next.

Okay. I didn't know he was here.

Let me just see if I got this straight.

I tell you to stay away from my daughter
or I'll have you fired.

What you heard was:
"Take my daughter...

...come up to my country house
and ruin my weekend with Rachel."

- Okay. Please, Paul. Just let me explain.
- No. Let me explain. Fired.

Okay, fine. Fine. Have me fired.

But, uh, I want you to know...

...that you and I are not all that different.
I mean...

...l, too, am a neat guy.

What?

And I, too...

...am just a love machine.

Ross.

Let me show you
where the guest room is.

I'm so sorry. Please stop freaking out.

I'm not freaking out.

Why would I freak out?

A woman named Hildy called
and said we were getting married.

But that happens every day. Ah-ah-ah!

Honey, we were at this beautiful place.

And I just put our names down for fun.

- I mean, what's the harm in that?
- Right here.

Please don't think I was trying
to pressure you.

- Phoebe and Rachel just thought...
- Phoebe and Rachel?

So the people that knew
about our wedding before me were you...

...Phoebe and Rachel, Hildy...

...and apparently some band called
Star Light Magic Seven...

...who are available, by the way.

It was a mistake.

Please don't take this to mean anything,
because it doesn't.

Okay.

Really?

Yes. If it really doesn't mean anything,
because you know I'm just not ready.

I know.

Okay.

All right.

Now, I'm gonna go tell Joey
that you're back.

We were really worried about you.

- Hey, did she buy it?
- Totally.

- So did Hildy show you the place?
- Yeah. It's beautiful.

I can't believe you're gonna ask Monica
to marry you.

I know.

- Hey, Gunther.
- Take these cappuccinos to Table 11.

And that guy over there wants
some biscotti.

Oh. Well, I just actually came in
for a cup of coffee to go.

Do you still work here?

No, no. I quit a long time ago.

Did I forget to tell you that? I'm sorry.

- Oh, it's cool. I was gonna fire you anyway.
- Great.