Friends (1994–2004): Season 6, Episode 21 - The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad - full transcript

- Okay, Chandler.
- Okay.

And your horoscope says:

"On the 5th, a special someone
is going to give you a gift."

- Oh, well, thank you in advance. Mm.
- Ha, ha.

"But the 12th brings a lover's spat."

You're going to make a joke
about my special present.

Why would you do that?

Oh, wait. "On the 19th,
a secret crush announces itself."

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

Oh, my God! It's Joey Tribbiani
of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.

[LAUGHING]



That's right. It's your first day.

Are you psyched to fight fake crime
with your robot sidekick?

Am I psyched?
The lead in my own TV series?

I've dreamed about this for years.

Why have I not been preparing?

No, Joey, you're gonna be great.

But I gotta act with a robot.
I don't know anything about technology.

I can't even use Chandler's computer,
except to find porn.

And that's only because
it's there when you turn it on.

Our lover's spat will start
a little early this month.

I'll be waiting.

Are you judging them by their covers?
Because you're really not supposed to.

I'm deciding which one to use.
I'm going to start writing another book.

Because the last one
was such a big seller?



Well, if you must know,
I have written 14 books.

And as I'm the only one
who has read them...

...I can tell you that
they have all been very well received.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- What are you doing later?

Oh, Rachel and I have to get our hair cut.

- We do?
- I want to see what he wants first.

I just found out Elizabeth's dad
wants to meet me.

Wait a minute. Hold the phone.

You're not Elizabeth's dad?

Come on, guys.
I really want this guy to like me.

It would really help me out
if you guys could be here...

...to make me look good.
- Of course we'll help.

- We'll be here.
- Thanks.

We know how tough
those parent-teacher conferences can be.

- So here's your office set.
- Wow, huh?

Mac Machiavelli, Private Investigator.
Eh?

- Let's get you to wardrobe for a fitting.
- Okay.

Hey, uh, when do I meet the robot?

Why don't we do that right now?
He's right here.

- Okay.
- Joey Tribbiani, this is...

Wow! He's so lifelike.

Unbelievable.

This is Wayne, the man who created
and operates C.H.E.E.S.E.

How do you do there, buddy?

- I'll let you two guys get acquainted, huh?
- Okay.

Sorry about that.

- Uh, so where's C.H.E.E.S. E?
- C.H.E.E.S.E. Is right here.

Nice to meet you, Mac.

[LAUGHING]

- This is the temporary robot, right?
- No. Why?

Well, I just thought it was gonna be
a really cool robot.

Like the Terminator,
or, uh, when I first saw you.

I spent two years developing this
machine. It's absolutely state of the art.

I'm sorry. It doesn't look like
it can do anything.

It can do this.

[GIGGLES]

Hey... Oh, ha, ha.

This is my father, Paul Stevens.
Dad, this is Ross Geller.

It's great to meet you, Paul.

I prefer that Liz's boyfriends
to address me as Mr. Stevens.

Uh, of course. Mr. Stevens.

Good. So, Ross...

...what's your problem?

Excuse me?

Why can't you get a girlfriend
your own age?

Heh. It's funny...

Um, it's not funny.

I don't like you going out
with my daughter, Ross.

Okay, um, I can see that.

But I think if you give me, um, one chance,
I can change your mind.

- Okay.
- What?

Okay. I'll give you one chance
to change my mind.

You've got one minute.

- Daddy.
- Fine.

Two minutes. Go.

[STAMMERS]

[CHUCKLES]

A minute and 50 seconds.

Okay, um...

I want you to know, I have never
done anything like this before.

I mean, I've been in, um,
relationships in general.

But I've never done it with a student.
I mean, not...

[LAUGHS]

Not "it." We haven't done "it."

Uh... We, I mean...
I mean, we've done stuff...

Okay. Okay. A joke.
A joke. Lighten the mood.

Um, two guys go into a bar.
One of them is Irish.

- I'm Irish.
- And the Irish guy wins the joke.

- Ross?
- Ross!

- How crazy that we would run into you.
- Oh, my God! Thank you.

Um, uh...

Mr. Stevens,
I'd like you to meet my friends.

This is Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler.

So you're Elizabeth's father, huh?
I can see now where she gets her...

...rugged handsomeness.

Is there a Mrs. Stevens?

There's a Mr. Bing!

No, unfortunately, Lizzie's mom
passed away shortly after she was born.

- I raised her by myself.
BOTH: Oh...

I get that a lot.

Okay, um, why don't we all
take a seat, you know? Heh.

And, uh, I'll get us all
some, uh, coffees.

Yeah, why don't you... Ahem. Uh...

And you guys can talk about
whatever you want.

Whatever pops into your head.

It is so strange seeing Ross here,
this time of day...

...because usually
he's at the children's hospital.

Yeah. But not looking for dates.

So, um, Monica is Ross' sister.

He's a great brother!

- I had a sister.
- Oh.

- She passed away.
ALL: Oh...

You don't have to do that every time.

But, uh, Ross is a great guy.
I was roommates with him in college.

Funny story, heh, ha, ha...

Your roommate in college died,
didn't he?

A part of him did, yes.

Okay! Here we are, Paul, Elizabeth.

I hope you guys were finding
something to talk about.

- Yes. We were just...
- Sorry I'm late.

But I am ready, ready to talk you up. Heh.

- When does Liz's father get here?
- I'm already here.

Oh, Ross is so great.

Honey, you got the kind with the little girl.
You said we'd get the kind with the baby.

- You said the baby creeps you out.
- The little girl creeps me out.

- You said the baby.
- Why would the baby creep me out?

Why would the little girl
creep you out?

I'm sorry.
Can you please talk a little slower.

- This is for your book?
- It's about relationships.

You know, the traps, the pitfalls,
what not to do.

- Keep going. This stuff's great.
- What?

Excuse me.

And how none of it matters
when the people really love each other.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

And how people will believe anything you
tell them as long as it's a compliment.

- Oh, hi! Hi.
- Hi. Hi.

- I left my keys here somewhere.
- Oh, well, let's look for them.

Under here... Oh, hey!

Hey! Are these them?

No.

- All right.
- Oh.

- Here they are.
- Good.

- Thanks for your help.
- Wait! Sorry!

- Mr. Paul?
- Just call me Paul.

Paul. Um,
I just wanted you to know that...

...you know, Ross really is a great guy.

Maybe you could date him then. It
would save me the trouble of killing him.

Are you okay?

You just don't look old enough
to have a 20-year-old daughter.

Well, we were very young
when we had her.

- Ah. We?
- Yeah, it usually takes two people to...

Oh, no! Yes! Of course. I know that.

What I meant was are you still "we"
or are you just you?

I'm just me. Yeah.

My wife died shortly
after Lizzie was born.

Oh.

- So you raised her all on your own?
- Yes, I did.

Oh...

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How was your first day?
- Great.

Except I got a little attitude
from the robot.

Damn those robots. They're supposed
to be our faithful servants!

It wasn't the robot,
it was the guy who controls him.

He doesn't like me. He had C.H.E.E.S.E.
Knock over the sandwich table...

...right when I was reaching for one. Ugh.

Why don't you get him fired?

I may have to. I hate to do it.
But I'm the star, you know?

There's a limit to how many sandwiches
I can eat off the floor.

[PHONE RINGS]

Excuse me.

Joey Tribbiani.

Joe! I'm glad I found you!
I got an audition for you.

JOEY: Wow.
- The thing is, it's kind of on the q.t.

The actor who has the part
doesn't know he might be fired.

It's the lead in a series.

Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.

I'm the lead in Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.

Uh-oh.

Joey?

Hi, Ross.

I was just getting him to like you.

Joey?

- Joey!
- Hey, Ross.

Ross, Joey is not here.

Okay, I'll just wait for him in here!

Ross, it's okay. You can come out.

Yeah, Ross. It's okay. It's me...

...Mr. Stevens.

Oh, I didn't... Oh, my gosh.
I didn't even see you.

Sure you did. You came in,
got all awkward and ran to the bedroom.

You were shouting, "Joey, Joey!"

- Bye, Rachel.
- Bye.

- I'll call you later.
- Okay. See you!

- Bye, Ross.
- Ah, hoo. Ha, ha.

[STAMMERS]
What? What the...? How did...? What?

You know, he lost his keys.
So he was looking for them.

In your mouth?

No.

Downstairs. And we got to talking...

...for two hours. I really liked him.
I invited him for a cup of coffee.

You were at the coffee house!

Ross, what's the big deal?
So I kissed the guy.

He's my girlfriend's father. Okay?
It's weird!

- You dated my sister.
- That was different!

- What? Why?
- This is weird for me!

Ross, look. This is good for you, okay?

Let's face it.
So far the guy's not loving you.

But I can turn that around.
I've got the inside track.

We could all go out to dinner.
And I could talk you up.

Plus the guy is a very,
very successful lawyer.

- How is that important?
- Oh, it's important.

There's a million guys
out there who can play Mac...

...and there's only one robot.

And this one guy who controls it.
I didn't know he could get me fired.

- What am I gonna do?
- Well, Joey.

You're a pretty charming guy.

Thanks. But I have a
problem to deal with.

No, sweetie. You've got to win over
the guy who controls C.H.E.E.S.E.

Go back there
and kiss some serious robot ass!

That's not a bad idea!

If I have to turn on the charm tomorrow,
I'm not wasting any of it on you guys.

Oh, actually I got a little bit
saved for you, Pheebs.

So do you think, uh,
Joey is more charming than me?

Yeah. That's why I'm sleeping
with him on the side.

Yeah, you wish.

- "You wish."
- Phoebe, stop writing about us.

I'm not writing about you.
I'm writing about other people.

- Who?
- Marsha and Chester.

Okay, fine. Fine. Then you know what?
I will just write about Phyllis.

- Hmm.
CHANDLER: Huh.

- "Phyllis is sitting in the chair."
- I see what you're doing.

- "Phyllis sees what I'm doing."
- Oh, ho.

Ooh, I have tasted my own medicine
and it is bitter.

Morning! Hey!

How's my favorite genius
and his robot buddy?

- Don't touch him!
- Okay. All right. Um...

Wayne, level with me. I keep hearing
all these rumors that I might get fired.

They even have actors coming in
to read for my part.

Come on, man.
You gotta give me a second chance.

I love this little guy... Aah.

Okay. That's why you didn't want me
to touch him, right? There you go.

Stupid! I can't believe this! God.

Hey, how are you doing?

So it seemed that my prom date
had stood me up.

So Ross selflessly offered to take me.

- What a nice story.
- Heh.

So Ross was in college...

...and decided to jump at the chance
to take a young girl to her prom.

Wow. I definitely did
not see that one backfiring.

- I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- Yeah. Take your time.

Just so you know, I was a freshman and
she was a senior. So it wasn't as bad as...

Ross, look. I know I've been giving you
a lot of jabs.

It's partly because
I'm very protective of Lizzie...

...and partly because
they just keep coming to me.

I have to admit that after all
the wonderful things Lizzie has told me...

...and the many, many, many
stories that Rachel has told me...

...that, well...

...you're not...

...all bad.

"Not all bad."

I'm sorry I was so harsh.
But you have to understand.

I still look at Lizzie
like she's a 12-year-old girl.

You know, I know what you mean.
I do that, too.

- I beg your pardon?
- No! I don't see her as a 12-year-old girl.

I mean, I have a son who's, um, 6,
and I still think of him as a baby.

- You have a son?
- Yeah. My ex-wife and I...

...uh, share custody of Ben. And, uh...

Just so you know,
Carol and I are on excellent terms...

...as I'm sure you are with your wife.

Oh! I'm sorry.

It's unbelievable!

Don't worry.
I just didn't realize you were married.

Oh, we were. But that was just a...

I mean, that was just
a big drunken mistake.

You're back.

You two were married?

Oh, whoops. I'm sorry.
You were talking about Emily.

We said we would meet
at the coffee house at 6:00.

- We said 7:00.
- We said 6:00!

The only way that I said 6:00...

...would be if I said the sentence,
"Let's meet at 7:00, not at 6:00."

If I had said 7:00, I would have
said something like:

"Wow, my boyfriend
is such a wiseass. 7:00!"

- Hi!
- Oh, my good God!

- I know what time you said.
- What?

Well, actually I know what time
Chester and Marsha said.

- What time?
- Quite an interesting turn of events.

Suddenly it's my book
to the rescue, huh? Let's see.

Ooh. Very interesting.

Yeah, well this certainly clears things up.

- What does it say?
- I will tell you...

...as soon as you thank me
for writing my book.

Thank you for writing your book.
It's a great book...

...and you are the queen of everything.

Thanks. So are you.

I told you I should not wear this color.

"Monica... Marsha and Chester are
planning on seeing a movie Sunday night.

"Marsha thinks they're supposed to
meet at 6:00.

Chester thinks it's at 7:00."

- You knew we would miss the movie?
- That's right.

Instead of telling us, you decided
to write it in your stupid book?

"Marsha and Chester are mad at Phyllis."

I can't believe I'm gonna lose this job.

I'm so sorry, man.
Is there anything I can do?

Yeah. Help me get this mini-fridge
past the security guard.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey, Joey, I want to talk to you.

Yeah? I don't want to talk to you, Wayne.
I hate you. You ruined my life.

- Oh, Chandler, Wayne. Wayne, Chandler.
- Hi. How are you?

Joey, I'll get you your job back
if you help me out.

Why should I help you out?

- The reason he just said.
- What do you need?

I saw you on stage talking
to that beautiful woman.

You know, Sarah.
I wish I could talk to her.

- Are you in love with her?
- Yeah.

Her. All of them. Anyone.

Yeah. I've been there, my friend.

Listen, I guarantee you keep your job...

...if you can teach me how to talk
to women like you do.

Oh, Wayne, it's not something you can
teach. It's something you're born with...

You can teach it.
I can show you right now.

I mean, if you think about it...

...Ross did learn something
from each marriage.

- How to make the next one even shorter?
- Oh.

Wait a minute. That's not fair.

He was married to me a hell of a lot
longer than he was to Emily.

He just didn't tell me.

Maybe I have to pee again.

Well, this is fun.

So Ross...

...did you kill any of these wives?

You know what? I...

I have had enough of this.
I care a great deal about your daughter.

And I have treated her
with nothing but respect.

- So if you've got a problem with me...
- Are you yelling at me?

God, no.

You know what, Daddy?
If you don't like Ross, that's fine.

It doesn't matter to me.
I'm gonna go out with him anyway.

Really?

Well, if it doesn't matter to her...

...it doesn't matter to me.
Still not yelling.

Well, what can I say?

This doesn't make me like you better.

That's okay. I'm not so crazy
about myself right now either.

- Then we agree?
- Yeah, I guess so.

- Neither of us like Ross.
- I like Ross.

Oh, heh, kids!

Wait. I just thought of another story
about how nice Ross is.

That's okay, Rach.
We're not liking Ross right now.

- Oh! Well, I got a lot of those, too.
- Uh...

Well, it turns out you were right,
C.H.E.E.S.E.

- That shipment never made it to Omaha?
- You got it.

And the rabbi's beard?
100 percent horse hair.

Nice catch, C.H.E.E.S.E.

It's your line, C.H.E.E.S.E.

Wayne! Wayne!

[English - US - SDH]