Friends (1994–2004): Season 6, Episode 18 - The One Where Ross Dates a Student - full transcript

Hey.

I just got my teacher evaluations.
Check out what this one student wrote.

"I loved Dr. Geller's class.
Mind-blowing lectures.

Dr. Geller, you are definitely the hottie
of the Paleontology Department."

Ah, "Hotties of
the Paleontology Department."

There's a big-selling calendar, huh?

Who wrote it?

I wish I knew,
but the evaluations are all anonymous.

- Do you still have their final exams?
- Yeah.

Match the evaluation to the exam with the
same handwriting and there's your admirer.

A hot girl's at stake
and all of a sudden he's Rain Man.



Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Why are we so sure that this is a girl?

It's a girl.

Anyway, it wouldn't matter, okay?

- Because I'm a teacher. She's a student.
CHANDLER: Oh, is that against the rules?

- No, but it is frowned upon.
- I see.

- Besides, there's a big age difference.
- Think of it like this. When you're 90...

I know, when I'm 90, she'll be 80...

...and it won't seem
like such a big difference.

No, that's not what I was gonna say
at all.

What I was gonna say is
when you're 90...

...you'll still have the memory
of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.

Chandler, you know that girl you went to
college with who became a movie director?

Oh, yeah, Dana Keystone.
She was in my movement class.

What's a movement class?



It's Chandler's way
of pretending he didn't take mime.

Listen, anyway,
she's directing the new Al Pacino movie.

- You gotta get me an audition.
- Oh. I haven't talked to her in like 10 years.

Oh, no, no, no. Please, Chandler,
I would owe you so much.

You do owe me so much.
You owe me 3400...

Hey, hey, dude.
Why you changing the subject? What?

- Will you make the call or what?
- Okay, I'll try.

JOEY:
All right. Thanks, you're the best.

The last day of auditions is Thursday,
so I gotta get in by Thursday.

Just remember Thursday. Thursday.
Can you remember Thursday?

Yeah, so Tuesday?

Thursday. Look, if you need help
remembering, just think of it like this.

The third day. All right?
Monday, one day.

Tuesday, two day.

Wednesday, when, huh, what day?
Thursday.

The third day, okay?

- Thank you.
- Okay.

- Hey, Mon, I'm gonna check my messages.
- You just thought of that in there?

Sure, you know, nature called.
She wants to see who else did.

Hello?

Uh...

Rachel.

You guys, someone is in our apartment.
Call the cops.

You're on the phone.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Oh, my God. Thank you.
That was the Fire Department.

- There was a fire at our place.
- Oh, my God. How bad was it?

He didn't say, but it was a fire.
I'm guessing not very good.

- Come on, we gotta go.
- Phoebe, come on.

What are you smiling about?
What is so funny?

The part I wanna audition for is a fireman.
This is so meant to be.

Wow. Looks like you were very generous
with your grades this semester.

- Professor Geller?
- Yeah? Huh?

I wanted to say
how much I enjoyed your class.

Oh, thank you. Thanks very much. Ow.

I'm a little embarrassed about calling you
a hottie on my evaluation.

- That was you?
ELIZABETH: Yeah.

I felt a little weird about it.
You're a teacher. I'm a student.

But would you maybe wanna go out
with me sometime?

Oh, I... Heh.
I don't think that would be the best idea.

Oh, because I was thinking, um,
the semester's over.

- You're not my teacher anymore.
- What time?

Oh, you know what? Forget it.
I see you already gave me an A.

- Gotcha.
- I'm kidding. Ha-ha-ha.

- Oh. Ha-ha-ha.
- Ha-ha-ha.

So seriously, what time?

Coming through. Oh.
Coming through. Oh. Hello. Hi.

No, right. Coming through.

- Oh.
- Okay. Well, it's not so bad.

Most of the damage
was contained to the bedrooms.

RACHEL:
Oh, my God.

Hey, buddy, you think I could borrow
your uniform this Thursday?

- Excuse me?
- Joey. He's working.

You would look good in that.

- Uh-oh. How bad is it?
- Oh, it's bad, it's really bad.

The only thing that isn't burned is an ax,
which I do not remember buying.

- How's your room, Rach?
- Everything's ruined.

My bed, my clothes.
Look at my favorite blue sweater.

Isn't that mine?

Fine. I'm sorry for your loss.

You're not gonna be able to live here
for a while.

- You ladies have a place to stay?
- Oh. Wow.

Okay, look, pal...

...I am not in the mood
to be hit on right now.

But if you give me your number,
I will call you some other time.

Yes, they can stay with us.

Have you figured out what started the fire,
Mr. Fireman?

Well, uh, do either of you smoke?

No, not usually.

- But yeah, I could use one now. Thanks.
FIREMAN: No, no.

- Do you light candles, burn incense?
- Yes, I do all the time. I love them.

[GASPS]

Oh, my God, I did it. It's me, it's me.

I burned down the house.
I burned down the house!

Okay, Phoebe, calm down.
There's no need to place blame. Okay?

I warned her about those candles.

It's great to catch up.
I can't believe how long it's been.

Hey, Chandler, is that?

- Oh, that's great. Good for you.
- So, hey, hey, is it?

Okay, so, yeah,
maybe we can get together, um...

Can you hold on for one second, please?

What?

When you're off the phone,
you wanna get a pizza?

Hi, I'm back.

Yeah, that sounds great.
Okay, well, we'll do it then. Okay, bye.

[YELLS]

Hey, listen, so when's my audition?
I know it's Thursday, but what time?

Hi. We didn't get to the audition.

- I'm gonna take her to coffee and do it then.
- Ah.

Wow, so now you're going on a date
with this girl?

Not a date.
I haven't talked to her in 10 years.

You can't call somebody you haven't
talked to in 10 years and ask for a favor.

There are rules, you know?
You gotta put in some time.

You're right, I'm sorry.

- It's not like you're going out with an ex.
- No, we only went out once.

You dated her?

Not once.

Great. Why don't I just go out with an ex,
you know, and do Joey a favor?

Hey, you wanna do Joey a favor?
Maybe you go out with Joey.

[YELLS]

Oh. That's great.
My friend Joey's in the movie business.

Mm. You know who I ran into from school?
Howie.

- Hmm. My friend's name is Joey.
DANA: Heh.

Apparently, Howie's editing now.

Yeah, he calls me up
and asks me if he can edit my new movie.

Heh. Can you believe that?

You know,
I haven't spoken to him in, what, 10 years...

...and he asks me for a favor?

Yeah, I've always hated that Howie.

No "How you doing?" Heh.

Man, I mean,
not even a cup of coffee first.

- Heh. The nerve, huh?
DANA: Yeah.

Refill?

Now, this is last-minute,
so I want to apologize for the mess.

- Oh.
PHOEBE: Who cares?

Oh, my God.

It sure didn't look this way
when I lived here.

I know.

There's one problem, though.

There's only room for one, so I guess
one of you will have to stay at Joey's.

Well, since the fire was kind of my fault,
I guess you should get to stay here.

Hey, hey, hey, now.

This was no one's fault, Pheebs, okay?
It was an accident.

It was my fault.
You should get the nice room.

Okay. Whoo!

So, Rach,
you're the first guest at Hotel Monica.

Hotel Monica.

MONICA:
Just tell me how you like your eggs.

I thought I'd bring them to you,
you know, in bed.

RACHEL: Aw.
- You've been through so much.

I have.

This right here is where I keep the pizza.

And that's where the napkin is.

- What's that smell?
- I know. I don't...

Oh, please, it was such a big class.
You never even noticed me.

What? Of course I did.
You sat next to Sleepy Sleeperson.

Who?

Oh. I had trouble
remembering everyone's names...

...so I came up with nicknames.

Like the guy on the other side of you
was Smelly von Brown-Shirt.

Oh, yeah. Ha, ha.

- So, um, did you have a nickname for me?
- Uh, no. No.

Yes, you did. What was it?

Um, it's...

Cutie McPretty.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Listen, I gotta tell you,
I'm having a great time.

You know how you said it might be weird,
the whole student-teacher thing?

And to be frank, I thought it would be too.
But it's not. I mean, it's not at all.

- Dr. Geller.
- Burt.

So did you sleep well last night?

RACHEL: I did.
- Yeah?

I did. Monica was so sweet.
She left a little mint on my pillow.

- Know what Joey left on my pillow?
RACHEL: What?

Gum.

- Well, we determined the cause of the fire.
- Yeah, I know. It was my candle, my candle.

No, there was an appliance left on
in the bathroom.

It looks like a curling iron.

- I don't use a curling iron.
- Well, someone does.

Don't look at me, my hair's straight.
Straight, straight, straight.

- It could've been a hair-straightener.
- Oh.

This is where I keep the pizza.

And... Hey, where'd the napkin go?

There you go. I wouldn't want
my best guest to strain her eyes.

Thanks, Monica.

- Does that smell bother you?
- What, the smell from Joey's?

No, I can hardly smell it over here.

Well, you let me know if you can.
Because I can bake a pie to cover it.

- I can smell it a little. Bake the pie.
- Okay.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, yes, one minute, please.
It's for you. It's the fire inspector.

Oh. Hello? Yeah, this is Phoebe.

Really?

[IMITATING INSPECTOR] Yeah, so it turns
out that it wasn't the hair-straightener...

...that started the fire.

No, no. It was the candles.

Yeah. It's very not good
leaving candles unattended.

In fact, one of the first things
they teach you in fire school is...

Uh...

Uh, okay, well, I have to go now.

We had such a great time.
She's incredible.

I thought the age difference
might be a problem, but it wasn't.

It wasn't at all.
Elizabeth is very mature for her age.

A concept lost on some people.

So it's okay to date a student?

Well, not really.

I mean, technically,
it's not against the rules or anything.

But it is frowned upon...

...especially by that professor
we ran into last night.

Judgy von Holier-Than-Thou.

Just be careful, okay?

You don't wanna get a reputation
as Professor McNails-His-Students. Ha, ha.

- Yeah. What should I do?
- Well, Ross, it seems pretty clear.

I mean, what's more important,
what people think or how you feel? Huh?

- Ross, you gotta follow your heart.
- Joey, that is so sweet.

- Hey.
- Hey, hey. So how'd it go with Dana?

Any reason I should leave a block
of time open, say, Thursday?

- I couldn't do it.
- You couldn't do it?

Relax, I just need more time.
We're going to dinner.

What? You're going out with her again?

- Going out with who?
- Dana Keystone, from college.

Oh, yeah. Wasn't she, uh, mm?

No, that was Dana Kaplan.

CHANDLER & ROSS: Oh.
JOEY: Ah.

- Joey, you didn't even know her.
- Yeah, whatever.

Great story again.

The yarns that you weave.

Ha-ha-ha. Woo-hoo!

You know, uh, actually,
I should get going.

Oh, no, no, no, stay, stay,
because you should...

You should stay.

Wow.

Oh, I am really flattered.

But I just...
I don't feel that way about you.

- Oh, no, no, no. That's not... No, no, no.
DANA: I'm sorry, Chandler.

You know, you are such a sweet guy,
and I don't wanna hurt you.

Oh, I wish there were something I could do
to make you feel better.

No, no, no... Really?

Of course.

Well, it just hurts so bad, I, uh...

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Well, maybe there is one thing you can do.
- What? Anything. Anything.

Well, I mean, this is just off the top
of my head now. Um...

Ahem. But I have this friend, uh,
this actor friend...

...and he would kill me
if he knew that I was doing this, um...

...but, um, would it be possible for him
to get an audition for your movie...

...say, on Thursday?

Absolutely.

But you'd really feel better
about me rejecting you...

...if your friend can audition
for my movie?

Well, the heart wants what it wants.
I'll see you later.

Hey. How's it going?

Well, not much has changed
in the last five minutes.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Yes, it has. I made cookies.

That's all right. I'm still full
from your homemade potato chips, so...

Oh. But you should eat them now
because they're hot from the oven.

[MONICA CHUCKLES]

- Okay.
- Oh. But not in here.

Can't eat them in bed, remember?
No crummies.

Oh.

[THROUGH GRITTED TEETH]
I'll be out in a second.

Okay.

- What are you doing?
- This doesn't lock, does it?

- Oh. Joey, sorry. Oh.
- Oh, it's all right, don't worry about it.

No, but look.
Oh, that's gonna leave a stain.

Rach, hey, it's fine. You're at Joey's.

- Really?
- Yeah, look.

- Huh.
- Yeah.

- I've never lived like this before.
- I know.

Whoo! Ha-ha-ha.

All right, well, don't waste it.
I mean, it's still food.

What do you wanna do now, huh?
You wanna go get a drink?

Uh, I can't.

- Oh, you have some studying to do?
- No, I have some turning 21 to do.

Okay. Ha, ha.

You know, I remember
when I was in college, we used to...

[ROSS MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

- What are you doing?
- Nothing, I'm just...

I'm so comfortable with you.

- Do you not wanna be seen with me?
- What?

No, of course I do. Are they gone?

No, they're still here.
But I think I'm about to leave.

What? No, no, wait, wait.

You're right, this is stupid.
Who cares what people think?

I mean, we like each other, right?
There's nothing wrong with that.

Come on.

Burt. Lydia. Mel.

- This is Elizabeth.
- Hi.

Aren't you in my Popular Culture class?

That's right, Lydia.
Elizabeth here is a student.

And we're dating.

And you may frown upon that...

...but we're not gonna hide it anymore.

You are so fired.

- What?
- They're gonna fire you.

You can't date a student.
It's against the rules.

Really? It's not just frowned upon?

JOEY: Oh. Ah.
RACHEL: Ah!

I love it at Joey's.

There you go.

RACHEL: Ooh. Thanks.
- Nice.

- So you busy Thursday?
- Oh, very funny.

I don't know if you remember, but my
audition was supposed to be Thursday.

You got me the audition?

CHANDLER: Yeah.
- Oh, let's hug it up.

Okay, okay, okay.

What are you gonna do to me
if you get the part?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Yeah, okay, I need to talk to you.
RACHEL: Uh-huh.

Now, I know that they said
that the hair-straightener started the fire...

...but I think I'm partly at fault.

You see, I didn't tell you,
but, um, I had recently refilled the tissues.

And so, you know,
let's face it, that's just kindling.

So I think it's better that I stay at Joey's.

No, no, no, Phoebe, this was my fault.

- Besides, you know what? I'm fine here.
PHOEBE: Okay.

- Oh, Chandler, Monica's looking for you.
- Really?

- Yeah, she said something about crummies.
- No, no, no. I was so careful.

Okay. You have to switch with me.
Monica is driving me crazy.

That's right.
All the ladies wanna stay at Joey's.

No, Phoebe, come on,
I don't wanna switch.

Please. Come on,
I can throw wet paper towels here.

No, but at Monica's,
you can eat cookies over the sink.

I know. I'm sorry.

All right, fine.

- This looks like so much fun.
RACHEL & JOEY: Ha, ha.

PHOEBE:
God, what a mess.

Wow, it actually is in the handbook.

I can't date you
or have a hot plate in my office.

Oh, I can't believe
we have to stop seeing each other.

For what it's worth,
I did appreciate you standing up for me.

That felt really nice.

Kind of made me like you even more.

I know, I know. I really like you too.
But we can't date.

It's against the rules. It's forbidden.

Wow.

- What?
- Just hearing you describe it...

...as forbidden, it's really hot.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, I don't care how hot it is, it's, uh...
It's wrong.

[ELIZABETH PANTS]

- Stop it.
- No, no. It's wrong. It's...

It's naughty.

It's...

...taboo.

Shut the book.

- Hey. Let's also get a hot plate.
- Oh.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- So?
- So?

- It's Thursday. How was the audition?
- It's Thur...?

Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day.
Wednesday, when, huh, what day? Thur...

[GASPS]

Oh!

[English - US - SDH]