Friends (1994–2004): Season 6, Episode 14 - The One Where Chandler Can't Cry - full transcript

Rachel desperately tries to stop Ross and Jill from starting a relationship. Joey is shocked to find that people think Phoebe is a porn star. Chandler admits he hasn't cried since he was a child.

Oh. Uh, hey, Rach.
I was just coming over here to, uh...

Oh, wait, I don't have to lie to you,
you don't live here anymore.

I'm eating their food.
What are you doing?

Ross is on a date with my sister.

They shut the drapes
two and a half hours ago.

Whoa, I didn't know
we could date your sister.

Joey, we know you steal our food.

I'm good.

Oh, are the drapes still closed?

Yeah. Who should've shut their drapes
is that perverted couple two doors over.

- Is that a swing?
- Oh, don't even ask.


I can't believe Ross is going out
with Rachel's sister.

When Chandler made out with my sister,
I was mad at him for 10 years.

- That was like five years ago.
- Yeah, you got five years left.

- Joey...
- You wanna make it six?

Oh, Ross, hey. Hi, how are you?
There you are.


Can I get a cup of coffee?

So how was your big date last night?

Uh, it was okay. Yeah, it was fun.

- It was fun?


So, uh... So did you guys hit it off?

- I guess so.
- So, uh... So did anything happen?

Because rumor has it
you guys shut the drapes. Heh.

No, no, nothing happened.

I shut the drapes to show her slides
of my favorite fossils.

Oh, slides. Ha, ha.

So really nothing happened.

Something could've happened, all right?
She really dug my slides.

- And she was definitely giving me the vibe.

Was it the "Please don't show me
another picture of a trilobite" vibe?


If she wasn't into me,
why would she ask me out again?

- She asked you out again?
- Yeah, uh-huh.

- Tomorrow night.
- Hmm.

Valentine's Day.
The most romantic day of the year.

Who knows what could happen?

I might not be shutting my drapes
to show her my slides, if you know what...

Okay, okay, okay, I got it, I got it.

I can't...
I can't go with the you-and-my-sister thing.

I just can't. It's just too weird, all right?

I imagine the two of you together,
I freak out.

- It just freaks me out, and I can't do it.
Okay, okay, okay. No... Yes. It's okay.

It's okay.

Hey, it's too weird for you.
I won't see her again.

- Thank you. I... Yeah.
- I mean, after tomorrow night.

No, no, no. Please, Ross. I can't do it.
It's gonna freak me out.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay. I'll tell her tonight
I can't see her anymore.

Ross, thanks.

- You want me to call her right now?
- Oh, no. No, no, no.

I mean, come on, that's craz...
I mean, that's crazy.

So, what's going on with you?
What is going on with you?

Well, um... Oh.

- I may teach another class this semester.
- Yeah, do it now. Call her right now.

- This is my favorite part.
- Yeah, me too.

Oh, you know what's sadder than this?

I cried for three days with that movie.
No, wait, two.

Because on the third day, my mother killed
herself, so I was partly crying for that.

Well, see, now, that I can see crying over,
but Bambi is a cartoon.

You didn't cry
when Bambi's mother died?

Yes, it was very sad
when the guy stopped drawing the deer.

There's nothing wrong with crying.
You don't have to be so macho all the time.

I'm not macho.

Yeah, you're right.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I guess I just never really cried, you know?
I'm not a crying kind of guy.

Come on, man, there's gotta be something
that gets you choked up.

Like, uh...

What if you saw a three-legged puppy?

I'd be sad, sure, but I wouldn't cry.

Okay, what if the puppy said,
"Help me, Chandler.

All the other puppies pick on me."

Cry? I just found a talking puppy.
I'm rich.

Oh. I've got it. I have got it.
Pictures from your childhood.

This will get you going good.

- All right, what's going on there?
- Oh, that's Parents' Day, first grade.

That's me with the janitor, Martin.

- Where are your parents?
- Oh, they didn't wanna come.

- Oh, Chandler.
You poor thing.

So that story doesn't make you cry?

No. Look, I don't cry.
It's not a big deal, okay?

No. It's not okay. It's not okay at all.

You're dead inside.

- Excuse me.

- Are you Phoebe Buffay?
- Yeah.

Can I get your autograph?
I'm your biggest fan.

Oh, you're my biggest fan?
I've always wanted to meet you. Hi. Ha, ha.

- Sure, yeah.
- Wow.

Wow, thanks a lot.

I just wanna say
I think you're really talented.

You're just saying that
because you're my biggest fan.

Joey, listen, take good care of that guy.
He's a fan.


So you saw me
on Days of Our Lives, huh?

You want me to do a little
Dr. Drake Ramoray for you?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

But I just got Phoebe Buffay's autograph.

- Oh. You're Phoebe's fan.
- Oh, yeah. I've seen all her movies.

- Movies?
- That was Phoebe Buffay, the porn star.

- I don't think so.
- No, no, it was.

She was in Sex Toy Story 2...

...Lawrence of a Labia.

And I got her autograph.

The guys at the comic-book store
aren't gonna believe this.


Hey, don't let that guy in here anymore.
He just said Phoebe's a porn star.

Well, I wouldn't call her a star,
but she's really good.

You should check out
Inspect Her Gadget.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You'll never believe what just happened.

Ross totally blew me off
and didn't even tell me why.

Oh, well. You know what, honey?

The best thing to do to get over a guy
is to start dating someone else.

Oh. Oh, there is this great guy
you will just love at work named Bob.

He's a real up-and-comer
in Human Resources.

Thanks, but I'm not gonna date
some random guy from your work.

Not random. Bob.

It's probably because
I'm not mature enough or smart enough.

Maybe he doesn't like the way I dress.

Pfft. No, that can't be it.
It's really gotta be the smart thing. Ugh.

I'm so stupid.

I'm just this, like, incredibly pretty,
stupid girl.

No, honey.


Okay. You wanna know why Ross
canceled the date?

Because I asked him to.

- You asked him to?

- Why?
- Because you are my sister...

...and Ross and I have this huge history.

- You wanna go out with Ross?
- No.

You don't want him,
but you don't want me to have him?

- You know, Bob in Human Resources...
- Ugh.

I cannot believe you did this to me.
You had me doubting how smart I was.

You had me doubting my fashion sense.

This is not that big a deal.
Just don't date Ross.

- There's a million other guys out there.
- You have no right to tell me what to do.

I'm not telling you what to do.
I am telling you what not to do.

- Why are you always so jealous of me?
- This is not about me being jealous of you.

This is about you being a brat,
wanting what you can't have.

Can't have?

Excuse me,
the only thing I can't have is dairy.

All right, all right.
You just blew your chances at dating Bob.

- Who?
- In Human Resources!

I am jealous of her?

I mean, who does she think she is,
Princess Caroline?

- You're jealous of Princess Caroline?
- Do I have my own castle?

Hey. Phoebe's not here, is she?

- No.
- Oh, great, did you get a movie?


Yeah. Yeah.

But, uh, I don't think it's the kind
you're gonna like.

You didn't get more that are gonna have us
reaching for the tissues all night, did you?

Sort of.

Guys, what's going on?

Phoebe's a porn star.


What are you talking about?
- Where?

"Phoebe Buffay in
Buffay the Vampire Layer."

- Oh, my God. Ha, ha.
- That's Phoebe. Where did you get that?

Down at the adult video place
on Bleecker.

And I saw Joey was about to go in,
so I ran in ahead of him... surprise him.

And then... Ha, ha. Then I pretended
that I didn't know he was in there.

Wow. I mean, I just can't...
I can't believe this.

You know?
I mean, you think you know someone.

Even Phoebe, who's always been
somewhat of a question mark.


This is so bizarre.

I guess it kind of makes sense, though.
She had such a terrible childhood.

Hey, I had a terrible childhood
and I don't do porn.

- Yes, but you're dead inside.
- Ah.

- All right, well, I'd better take that back.
- What? Why? Why?

We can't watch that.
I mean, that's Phoebe.

- You're right. We shouldn't watch this.
- Absolutely not. That goes back.

- But, you know, maybe a little bit.
- How about just the first half?

Hey, no, this is wrong, you guys.
Phoebe's our friend.

- I'm not gonna watch it.
- Yeah.

- Good for you, Joe.
- Yeah.

Ah. I thought I'd find you here,

Buffay, are you going to plunge your stake
into my dark places?

Actually, I was kind of hoping
it would be the other way around.

- Hold on, what is that on her ankle?
- Her ankle is what you're watching?

- Well, it's hard to tell.

Oh, God, if she would just stop moving.

She's just doing her job.

You sick bastards.

Oh. It's a tattoo.
That's weird. Phoebe doesn't...

Wait, that's Ursula.
That's not Phoebe. That is Ursula.

Wait, wait. I can watch that.
Rewind it. Rewind it.

- Hey.

What's up? Oh, my God.
What am I doing?!

- Hey, sweetie.
- Hey.

Chicken Soup for the Soul?

There's no back to this couch.

Why are you reading this?
You hate this kind of stuff.

I figured I'd give it a shot.

Maybe one of those stories
would make me cry.

Then you wouldn't think
I was all dead inside.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Chandler, I don't care if you can't cry.
I love you.

Oh, that makes me feel so warm
in my hollow tin chest.

- Stop it.
- I mean, come on, seriously. Think about it.

We get married, I'm up at the altar,
and I'm like this:

I won't care.

Because I know that you'll be feeling it
all in here.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

And if we have a baby one day...

...and the doctor hands it to you
in the delivery room...

...and you don't cry, so what?

And if we take him to college
and we come home...

...and we see his empty room
for the first time...

...and you got nothing?

Won't matter to me.


Well, I won't worry
about this anymore, then.

Yeah. And, you know, if I die...

...from a long illness...

...and you're writing out my eulogy...

...and you open the desk drawer
and find a note from me that says:

"I will always be with you"...

...and you still can't shed one tiny tear...

...I know you'll be crying a river inside.

- Aw, I love you, sweet...
- What is wrong with you?

- What?
- What?

You can't shed a tear for your dead wife?

I mean, I left you a note from the beyond.

- So you didn't mean any of that?
- No, you robot!

You damn kids.
You ring my bell one more time, I swear to...

Oh, uh, Jill. Um...

That's just a little game I play
with the kids down the hall.

They've really taken a liking to me.

What's the matter?

Rachel and I had a really big fight.
Can I come in?

I know we're not supposed to see
each other anymore. I'm okay with that.

I don't know anybody in the city,
and I need somebody to talk to about it.

- Oh, of course. What happened?
- I don't wanna talk about it.

Okay. Um...

- But you know what might cheer me up?
- What?

Seeing some more
of your super-cool slides.

- Wow, really?
- Totally. I loved them.

And maybe you could finish telling me
about all the different kinds of sand.

I'd love to. You wait right here.
I'll go get the projector and my notes.

Oh, great. Thanks, Ross.
You're such a good friend.


Hey. Have you guys seen Jill?
I can't find her anywhere.

- No, I haven't.
- Is Ross home?

Maybe I'll just call him
and see if he's actually seen her.

Who is it?

It's Phoebe, "Phoebe."

- Hey.
- Oh, God.

- So you're making porn movies.
- No, I'm not.

We're still rolling.

You're making one right now.

Let's go, Phoebe.
- And you're using my name.

Yeah, can I help you with something?

Phoebe, come on.

Look, I'm talking right now.
You're... You mean her. Oh.

You know,
twin stuff is always a real big seller.


Yeah. I could talk them into giving you
like $30.

No. No way. No.

And stop using my name.
And shame on you.

And shame on all of you.
You're disgusting.

Especially you, with that.

Slides are almost ready.

Yeah. Ooh, I know what this is missing.


- Okay, well, there's wine in the kitchen.
- Oh, great.


What is my sister doing there,
and why are the drapes shut?

Okay. Rach, calm down, okay?

She's really upset. We're just talking.

I think she's trying to make something
happen with you to get back at me.

Oh, so that's the only reason
she could be here, huh?

It couldn't have anything to do
with the fact that I'm a good listener...

...and I put on a great slide show?

Ross, I am telling you,
she is using you to get back at me.

You know, I think I can take care of myself.
I'll talk to you later. Goodbye.


Uh, that was your sister, actually.

She thinks you're just using me. Heh.


- Hey.
- Hey.

So I just came from the company
Ursula works for.

Oh, no, not you too.

No, no.
I went to pick up Phoebe Buffay's checks.

There were a lot of them.

- Nice.

And I won't have to
go back there anymore...

...because I gave them
my "correct address."

That's great, but isn't it gonna bother you
that people think you're a porn star?

Oh, no, no. I know how to handle it.

- Yeah.

You're trying to figure out
where you know me from?

All right, I'll give you a hint.
From porn. Okay?

Yeah, your pervert boyfriend
watched me in a porno movie!

- See?
- Yeah.


- You, uh, may have been right about Jill.
- Oh, I knew it. What happened?

- Um, she kissed me.
- What? You kissed?

- Maybe we should give them some privacy.
- Shh!

Look, I tried not to kiss her, okay?

It doesn't sound like it.
It's pretty easy not to kiss someone.

You just don't kiss them.
See? Look at us right now, not kissing.

Let me finish, okay?

She started kissing me,
and I didn't stop it.

I guess I just wasn't thinking.

Yeah, that's right. I'm gonna give you
something to think about.

Hold on.

But then I started thinking
and I stopped the kissing.

Oh, well, thank you for taking your tongue
out of my sister's mouth to tell me that.

Look, I realized if anything were to happen
with me and Jill...

...then nothing could ever happen
with us.

- What?
- No, I mean...

Look, I don't know if anything
is ever going to happen with us again, ever.

But I don't wanna know
that it never could.

So I stopped it...

...and she got mad
and broke my projector.


I don't even know what to say.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh, my God, are you crying?

I just don't see why those two
can't work things out.

All right, I'm leaving.
I'm not gonna spend one more day...

...with someone
who's out to sabotage my every move.

That's you, Rachel.

Yeah, I got that.

And you.
I throw myself at you, and you say no?

How gay are you?

You take care, Jill.

- Okay, see you.
- Bye-bye.

I can't believe Jill's gone.

I can't help it. I opened a gate.