Friends (1994–2004): Season 6, Episode 1 - The One After Vegas - full transcript

Okay, this is it.

You sure you wanna do this?

Hello, Mrs. Ross.

Well, hello, Mr. Rachel.

- Whoa!
- Oh, my God!

Come on, Phoebe, hurry!

Okay! Okay!

Oh, my God!
Is everybody getting married?

No running in the chapel.

Hey, don't you give me
any of your.. Hey!

Why are you here?



Ross and Rachel left a message.
They're getting married.

- Isn't that why you guys are here?
- Yes. Why else would we be here?

What happened? Did we miss it?

We missed it.

Maybe you wouldn't have
if you could run in the chapel!

I can't believe they got married.

I know! I didn't even know
they were dating.

I don't think they're as much dating
as they are...

two bottles of vodka walking
around in human form.

This is insane.

What's the big deal?
It's not like it's a real marriage.

What?

If you marry in Vegas,
you're only married in Vegas.

If you marry here,
you're married everywhere.



Really?

Yeah.

Oh, my God!

Oh, well.

The One After Vegas

Why are we in bed together?

I don't know.

- Did we?
- I don't know.

Do you have any clothes on?

Yes.

- Really?
- No.

But we didn't have..

Sex, did we?

I don't remember much
about last night.

It was such a blur.

I remember laughing.
I laughed a lot.

Then we didn't have sex.

Well, so, what did we do last night?

I don't know, but I think
it was a lot of fun.

Luckily, not too much fun, right?

- I don't think so.
- Oh, thank God.

Oh, I mean,
we were really drunk.

I'm glad we didn't
do anything stupid.

Tell me about it.

Morning, Phoebe.

Well, my movie has been
officially canceled.

Joey, I'm so sorry.

You want my breakfast?

Too depressed to eat.

I'll probably eat in, like,
five minutes.

I'll fly home with you.
What time is your flight?

- What about my cab?
- I don't need that anymore.

You borrowed my cab.
You have to drive it back.

I don't wanna drive back
by myself. I get lonely.

How about if you come with me?

- It's a long trip.
- That would be great.

We could talk and play games.

This could be our chance
to, like, renew our friendship.

Are you asking me
to have a "frienaissance"?

Sure?

All right. Although, I don't think we
need one. I never stopped loving you.

So has anybody talked
to Dr. and Mrs. Geller yet?

They left me a message.
They'll be here.

Where is the waitress? I'm starving.

It's a buffet, man.

Here's where I win
all my money back!

I gotta talk to you.

Sure.

What's up?

Monica and I almost got married.

My God!

That's huge!

Wait a minute. Why wasn't I invited?

And who was gonna be your best man?
Don't say Ross. Do not say Ross.

I just don't think that Monica and I
are ready yet. I love her...

but seeing Ross and Rachel
come out of that chapel...

was like a wake-up call that Monica
and I are moving so fast, you know.

How do I tell her
without crushing her?

Tell her she's not marriage material.

What?

Girls say it to me all the time.

And if she's anything like me,
she's just gonna be relieved.

How do I tell him that it's too soon?

He's gonna think
I don't love him anymore.

- Well, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

Good. I was just testing you.

- Hey.
- Oh, hi.

We were just talking about bacon.

No, we were talking about tennis.

Tennis is more believable.

Thank you.

Coffee.

What?

Are we gonna talk about
what you guys did last night?

What do you mean "last night"?
Nothing happened last night.

Ross invited us all to watch.

What is the matter with you?

We weren't gonna miss
our friends getting married.

Who got married?

You did.

What?

- Hello. We didn't get married.
- No, we didn't. That's ridi..

Wait, wait, wait.
I remember being in a chapel.

They would not let us get married
when we were that drunk.

They let you get married.

Most people who marry
in Vegas are drunk.

Now, I'm drunk right now.

I can't have a mimosa with breakfast?
I'm on vacation.

What are you gonna do?

Well, I guess we find
a divorce lawyer.

Well, I think.. I think
Ross already has one.

Yeah, that guy's finally gonna
be able to put in that pool.

Okay.

Now, this one's free, right?
Because you paid for the first two.

Laugh it up, but the joke's on you...

because we don't need
to get divorced.

- We're just gonna get an annulment.
- An annulment?

Ross, I don't think surgery
is the answer here.

Oh, that's your thing!

What?

Your thing. You're the guy
who gets divorced.

No, no, that's not "my thing."

I do not love getting divorced.

Yes, you do. This is
your third divorce.

You love divorce so much,
you're probably gonna marry it...

and then it won't work out,
so you're gonna have to divorce it.

I'm so drunk.

- You wanna play some Pai Gow?
- Maybe.

But I kind of think we should talk
about last night.

That's a good idea.
I wanna talk about last night too...

- and I don't know what Pai Gow is.
- I see.

- So what should we do?
- I don't know.

I know I love you.

I know I love you.

Where are we on the whole
"going back...

to where they have the marriages"
thing? I love you.

That's a good question.

Last night we let the dice decide.

We should leave it
up to fate again. I love you!

We don't get married
unless there's a sign.

So say...

you roll another eight,
then there's a sign...

that we should marry.

Eight we get married...

but 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10,
11, 12, we don't get married.

Sounds great.

Hey, we got a shooter.

Money, please.

- Ready?
- Ready.

Come on, eight.

Yes, yes, eight.

Eight, easy eight.

- I can't believe I rolled an eight.
- That was so unlikely.

Let's get married.

I guess.

Last night I rolled a hard eight.

It was the wrong kind of eight.
No wedding! Damn it!

I wanted it so bad!

Wanna go pack?

We're doing the right thing.

Of course we are.

We left it up to fate.

If we were supposed to get married,
there would be a sign.

Okay, you have 19 questions left.
Use them wisely.

Come on, Joey. You can't win
if you don't ask any questions!

- What?
- You promised me a fun road trip.

We've been on the road for 6 hours,
and you've been asleep for 5 and a half.

We are switching, and
you are going to drive back.

That will be your punishment,
you greedy sleeper!

All right.

And until then, you are going
to sing to me...

because the radio's broken and you are
selfish, but you have a nice voice.

- Really?
- Sing!

I wanna rock 'n' roll all night

Man, this is a long drive.

Are my eyes open?

No!

Morning.

- Hey.
- Hey, hubby.

Actually, I wanted to talk to you
about that whole annulment thing.

Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

Okay.

So we'll just stay married.

Yes, exactly.

And I will make everyone
call me Mrs. Geller.

Wow, this is so amazing.

I really thought I'd have to
talk you into this more.

Now I'm scared because I don't
actually think you're kidding.

I'm not kidding.

Look...

I can't have three
failed marriages.

I can't, okay?

I am not gonna be that guy.

Okay? No, no. That is not gonna be
"my thing."

So, what, we just
stay married forever?

I don't know.

I mean, I haven't worked it all
out yet, but....

Okay, I know it's a bit crazy..

How is this going
to affect you, really?

I mean, you fill some form out
once in a while...

instead of checking the box "Miss,"
you check the box that says, "Mrs."

It's right next to it.

Okay. I'm sorry, you're right.
You know what?

We can stay married...

because I thought that the boxes
were far away from each other.

- No, they're right..
- Ross!

All right. Just...

please take a moment here...

and think about what
you're asking of me. Okay?

I am asking you to do me a favor.

You are asking me to be your wife.

And as my wife, I think
you should grant me this favor.

We did make vows.

That kid kicked me really hard.

Well, you did pull his hair.

- He took my snack.
- I'm not getting into this again.

All right, you know what?
Hurts really bad.

Well, I told you not to walk. Here.

There. There. Okay.

- This doesn't mean anything, does it?
- No.

How could you pick up a hitchhiker?

He could be a rap.. He could be
a rapist or a killer or something.

Don't you think I asked him that
before he got in?

I'm not talking to you.
You go back to sleep.

- And, you, are you a rapist?
- No.

Do you like car games?

Yeah, you know
the license plate game?

I love the license plate game!

I'll play. I'll play.

No, you need your sleep.
Night-night.

Listen. I know you wanted
to talk to me...

but I have an idea that may
make you wanna stay married.

We register...

and you get to keep
all the presents.

No, Ross, come on. No, listen.

I've thought about
how to tell you this.

I came up with an analogy
about a little goldfish...

in a pond that freezes over
in the winter...

but I realized that was a story about
what to do when people pick on you.

So I'm gonna actually save that
for my children's book.

- What's up?
- Oh, sorry.

The bottom line, Ross...

is we cannot stay married.

- I don't know if that's true..
- Oh, but it is.

Okay. You know what this is?

This is a difference of opinion.

- When that happens in a marriage..
- Ross, come on!

This is not a marriage!
This is the world's worst hangover!

Ross, listen, if you do not
get this annulment, I will.

All right.
All right, I'll do it.

Thank you.

Hey, hey...

is there any such thing
as an annulment shower?

There's the train station.
This is where I get off.

I have your address
and phone number.

I have your name and the fact
that you're a drifter.

So ball's pretty much
in your court.

All right. See you, Phoebe.

Come on, Phoebe, I can't
take this anymore.

Please talk to me.

Let me make it up to you.

Ground control to Major Tom

Commencing countdown Engines on

Take your protein pills

And put your helmet on

- This is..
- Stop it! Stop it! No!

That's not fair. You know I can't
resist that beautiful voice.

Phoebe, look, I am so sorry.

I promised you a fun
road trip with your friend...

and I didn't deliver, okay?

Now I know that you think being awake
is an important part of friendship.

So I will strive to stay awake
for as long as I know you.

You can still sleep
at night and stuff.

Thank you.

So can we play 20 Questions now?

I got a good one.
I thought about it since Kansas.

Okay.

Is it...

a kind of hot sandwich?

Yes.

Is it a meatball sub?

That is incredible!

You are the master!

Bug!

- Enough already!
- Well, you didn't have to catch them!

- You look like you're..
- Don't say it!

Don't even think it.

All right.

Chandler, enjoy your handful.

Should we just get married?

All the signs are telling us to do it.

I'm sick of the signs.

- I'm happy the way things are.
- Me too.

- I don't want change, do you?
- No.

Then nothing changes!
Everything stays the same!

Go unpack. It's been three days,
and it drives me insane!

Jeez, relax, it's not
like we're mar..

You know, I was thinking,
what if I...

unpack here?

All your stuff would be here.

Well...

what if all my stuff was here?

Then you'd be going back
and forth all the time.

Doesn't make any sense.

Okay.

What if we live together,
and you get what I'm saying?

Live together?

There've been no signs for that.

Me asking is kind of a sign.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Okay. Okay, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.

Here's your key. Here's your key.

Now go out and christen it!

Go out and come back in!

Door hasn't been locked
in five years, but okay.

- Ready?
- Ready!

The key broke in the lock,
and I can't get in.

Wait. Oh, my God, I can't get out!

- This isn't a sign!
- No, it's a very old key!

- It's an old key!
- Oh, my God, it's old!

I love you.

I love you.

Are you hugging the door right now?

No.

Yeah, yeah, me neither.

So did everything go all right
with the annulment?

Oh, yeah. No problems.
It's all taken care of.

Ross, thank you.

Do you wanna go see a movie?

- Yeah, why not?
- Phoebe?

No, thanks.
I've already seen one.

Okay, I'm gonna get my sweater.

You wanna hear something weird?

Always.

I didn't get the annulment.

What?

We're still married.

Don't tell Rachel. See you later.

What are you doing?

Key is stuck in the lock.

I can fix it. Hold on.

Watch out, watch out.

It still doesn't work.

I'm not finished.

Nice job, Joe.
You're quite the craftsman!