Friends (1994–2004): Season 5, Episode 9 - The One with Ross's Sandwich - full transcript

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What am I sitting on?

Top of the world?

Dock of the bay?

I'm out.

Oh, undies!

Whose are they?

- Whose are they?
- Not mine.

Joey's! Got to be Joey's.

They're mine.

See, Joey's.
They're Joe-Joe-Joey's.

Why are they here?



I don't know.

I'm Joey.

I'm disgusting.

I take my underwear off
in other people's homes.

Get them out of here.
What's wrong with you?

- Take them!
- I got them.

You can touch them.
They're yours.

Chandler? A word?

I'm tired of covering for you two.
This has got to stop.

Tighty-whiteys? What are you, 8?

Thank you, Joey, so much.

You're not welcome, okay?

Look, I hate this.
You guys keep embarrassing me.

Yesterday, Rachel found
your razor in our bathroom.



I said it was mine, and that
I was playing a woman in a play.

Then one thing led
to another, and....

And around the ankles,
that is a tough spot.

It was. All right, listen

All this lying has been
hard on us too.

Yeah, I bet all the sex
makes it easier.

Yeah, actually.

Meanwhile, I get Rachel shoving your
underwear in my face...

and asking when she can
come see me star in Ugly Woman.

We'll be more careful.

We don't want them to know
because it's going really well.

And maybe it's going well
because it's a secret.

It sounds weird,
but we're so bad at relationships.

- We are. Help us!
- Help!

All right.
But you do it with me once.

- Joey!
- Didn't think so.

The One With Ross' Sandwich

- Can we please just drop this?
- But I don't get it.

Does anybody else just take off
their underwear when they're hot?

What are you reading?

Wuthering Heights.

I have to finish it by tomorrow
for my literature class.

You're taking a class?
That's so cool.

I really liked
that Lamaze class I took.

I thought this time I'd go
for something more intellectual...

with a less painful final exam.

That sounds like fun.

Oh, you should come with me!

Then I'll have someone to sit with.

Do you have time to read it?

I read it in school.

This is going to be so much fun!
I have to finish.

But what time does the class start?

What's wrong, buddy?

Someone at work ate my sandwich.

What did the police say?

My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich.

I can't believe someone ate it.

It's just a sandwich.

Just a sandwich?

I am 30 years old, okay?

I'll be divorced twice and
I got evicted.

That sandwich was
the only good thing in my life!

Someone ate the only good thing
going on in my life!

That's a nice sweater vest.

I have enough
for one more sandwich.

I was going to eat it myself, but....

Mon, that would be incredible.
Thank you so much.

I still can't believe
someone ate it!

Look, I left a note and everything.

"Knock-knock." "Who's there?"

"Ross Geller's lunch."

"Ross Geller's lunch, who?"

"Ross Geller's lunch.
Please don't take me. Okay?"

I'm surprised
you didn't wear it home.

Want to keep your food?
Scare people off.

I learned that on the street.

Really?

What would you say, Phoebe?

Stuff like:
"Keep your mitts off my grub."

Do you picture Phoebe on the street
with the entire cast of Annie?

This'll keep them away
from your stuff.

Phoebe, you are a badass!

Someday I'll tell you
how I stabbed the cop.

He stabbed me first!

The Bronte sisters were remarkable women
for their time.

They lived in a patriarchal society.

Sorry I'm late, but I left late.

So, what is the book about?

Didn't you read it
in high school?

I started it, but then
there was this pep rally.

And I was on top of the pyramid.

But anyway...

what's the book about?

It's a tragic love story
between Cathy and Heathcliff.

It takes place on these
creepy moors in England.

Which I think represent the wildness
of Heathcliff's character.

I totally get symbolism.

How would you characterize
the theme of this book?

Let's see.... Rachel Greene?

I would have to say
that it's a tragic love story.

That's sort of a given...

but, yes. Anyone else?

Symbolism!

And the wildness of the moors...

which I think, is mirrored...

in the wildness
of Heathcliff's character.

Excellent! What Rachel
has shrewdly observed here....

You completely stole my answer!

Honey, that was pretty obvious.

How would you know?
You didn't read it!

What do you think?
You in the blue shirt?

I think that yours is a question
with many possible answers.

Would you care to venture one?

Would you care to venture one?

Are you just repeating me?

Are you just repeating me?

All right. Let's move on.

Okay, then.

Why didn't you say
you hadn't read the book?

I didn't want him
to think I was stupid.

That was really embarrassing,
what happened to you.

Your note?

Amazing!

Not only did no one
touch my sandwich...

but people at work are
actually afraid of me.

A guy called me "Mental."

"Mental Geller."

I've always wanted
a cool nickname like that.

The best you got in high school
was "Wet Pants Geller."

It was the water fountain, okay?!

Anyway...

people are writing
reports for me...

pushing back deadlines
to fit my schedule.

I tell you,
you get tough with people...

and you can get
anything you want.

Hey, Tribbiani!
Give me that coffee! Now!

This was really fun.

I've been wondering
if you'd ask me out.

So you still wondering?

No. We just went out.

You're smart.

I like that.

Oh, candles!

What is that, a blanket?

A video camera? Oh, my God!

I can't believe you thought you'd
tape us having sex on the first date!

Joey, is what she just said....

Oh, my God!

You're actually going

What is going on here?

And with Chandler in the next room.
What are you, sick?

I'm Joey.

I mean, I'm disgusting.

I make low-budget adult films.

You promised to be more careful!

The good Joey name's been
dragged through the mud!

We're so sorry.

I'm telling everyone.

It's the only explanation that
doesn't make me look like a pig!

No, there's a better explanation.

Tell them you had to make
an adult film for your...

adult film class.

I like that. But no!

How does that explain
my underwear at your place?

I don't know.

Get ready to come out
of the non-gay closet.

I promise to come up with something.
Just give us time.

All right.

But it better make me
look really good.

And another thing:

The video camera?

Nice!

May I have a word?

Of course, Donald.

We've been getting reports
of very angry behavior on your part.

- What?
- Threatening letters...

refusal to meet deadlines.

Apparently people now
call you Mental.

We want you to speak
to a psychiatrist.

You don't understand.
This is so silly.

This is all just
because of a sandwich.

A sandwich?

You see, my sister makes
these amazing turkey sandwiches.

Her secret is, she puts an extra slice
of gravy-soaked bread in the middle.

I call it "The Moistmaker."

Anyway, I put my sandwich
in the fridge....

Oh, you know what?

I'm sorry.

I believe I ate that.

You ate my sandwich?

A simple mistake.
It can happen to anyone.

Oh, really?

Did you confuse it with your own
turkey sandwich with a Moistmaker?

Do you, perhaps, remember...

seeing a note on top of it?

There may have been a joke
or limerick of some kind.

That said it was...

my sandwich!

Now, calm down.

Look in my office.
Some may be in the trash.

It was quite large.
I had to throw most of it away.

You threw my sandwich away?

My sandwich?!

What's this book about?

You didn't read it, either?

I was going to, but I accidentally
read something else.

Vogue.

So tell me about Jane Eyre.

No, read it yourself.

Come on,
don't be such a goody-goody.

Fine.

All right. So, Jane Eyre?

First, you'd think she's a woman,
but she's not.

She's a cyborg.

A cyborg?
Isn't that like a robot?

This book was light years
ahead of its time.

Sorry I'm late.
Let's get started.

What did you think of Jane Eyre?

Rachel and I were discussing it,
and she had very interesting insights.

Go ahead, Rachel.

Thank you, Phoebe.

What struck me most
when reading Jane Eyre...

was how the book was
so ahead of its time.

If you're talking about feminism,
I think you're right.

Well, feminism, yes.
But also the robots.

Since that video camera thing
didn't work out...

I thought that I would give you
just a little preview.

You're naked!

I know!

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I saw a psychiatrist at work today.

Why?

On account of my rage.

Which, if I may say,
right now is out of control.

He gave me a pill for it.

A pill?

When the psychiatrist told me
to take a leave of absence...

because I yelled at my boss,
I started to get worked up again.

So he offered me a tranquilizer.

And I thought it was a good idea.

So I took it.

They're making you take
time off work?

And you're okay with that?

I don't know.

It's going to be weird
not having a job for a while.

But I definitely don't care
about my sandwich.

I hate it when they make me see
the shrink at my office.

He's always like, "Your colleagues will like
you better if you like yourself better."

Who needs that?

- You do.
- I know.

It's so embarrassing! I can't believe
you let me go on like that!

I'm sorry.

It was so funny when you compared
Jane Eyre to Robocop.

That was not funny!

I snapped, okay?
You weren't taking the class seriously.

Come on! What is the big deal?

I thought it'd be something
we could do together.

I thought it would be fun.

Fun is good.

But I also wanted to learn.

People talk about what they learned
in high school. I never went.

So you really wanted to learn.

You know, Phoebe,
I just wanted to have fun.

You know who should go?

I know! I know! I know!

Monica, you asked the question.

Oh, my God, that's Monica!

You get away from me,
you sick, sick, sicko!

What's going on?

Joey has got a secret peephole!

- Oh, no!
- Yes, he has a naked picture of Monica!

He takes naked pictures of us, then
he eats chicken and looks at them!

Oh! Dude, that's my sister!

Give me that!

Wait! Everybody calm down, okay?

Let's give our friend a chance
to explain why he's such a big pervert!

I am not a pervert, okay?

It's just....

I just kind of....

I think I can explain this.

Thank you.

Joey's a sex addict.

What?! No, I'm not!

It's okay! It's good!

It's a disease.

I am not a sex addict!

Yes, you are!

That's the only way
to explain all this stuff!

No, it isn't. It's not.

Because you could also explain it
with the truth!

What is the truth?

- What's up?
- What's going on?

I slept with Monica.

Well, let's see what everybody
thinks of that.

You slept with my sister?

Yes, but it was

We just did it once, in London.

This is not good for my rage.

Is this true?

Of course, it's true.

How else would you explain all the
weird stuff that's been going on?

Yes, it's true.

If it happened once, how come we
found your underwear in our apartment?

That was the underwear
I was wearing that night in London.

Right, Monica?

I guess I wanted to keep it...

as a souvenir.

My God, Monica!

Are you sure you're not
just a sex addict?

If anyone's a sex addict here,
it's Monica.

She has been trying to get me back
in the sack ever since London!

That's why she gave you
a naked picture of herself.

That makes sense.

And the video camera?

I guess I set up the video camera
to try and entice Joey.

But, sadly, I could not be enticed.

Monica, this has to stop now.

I know, I know.

I know. I will, and I would appreciate
if we all could just...

drop it immediately, and forever.

Okay. That is, if you can resist me.

- I'll give it my best shot.
- Good luck.

Unbelievable!

You really kept Joey's underwear?

Why? Why would you do that?

I'm Monica.

I'm disgusting.

I stalk guys and keep their underpants.

I think we've all learned
who's disgusting and who's not.

Now, I'm going to get back
to my bucket.

I'm only eating the skin,
so the chicken's up for grabs.

You were making a good point.

I mean, till you got cut off.

What's up with that girl Monica?

I don't know.
I didn't come with her.

Hey, everybody!
Everybody, guess what!

I just convinced Carl
to give us a test.

Test?

Come on!
Tests make us all better learners!

Oh, yeah!
We should have essay questions!