Friends (1994–2004): Season 5, Episode 8 - The One with All the Thanksgivings - full transcript
The gang remember and share with each other their worst Thanksgivings.
Monica, that was the best
Thanksgiving dinner ever.
It was so good.
I think you killed us.
I couldn't possibly eat another bite.
I need something sweet.
Does anyone want to watch TV?
Monica, your remote doesn't work.
You have to lift it and point.
Oh, forget it.
Let's play that game where everyone
says one thing they're thankful for.
I am thankful for this
beautiful fall we've been having.
Very nice.
The other day,
I was at the bus stop...
and this lovely fall breeze came
and blew this chick's skirt up.
Which reminds me,
I'm also thankful for thongs.
The One with the Thanksgiving Flashbacks
It's not so much an underpant
as a feat of engineering.
It's amazing...
how much they can do
with so little material.
And they play with your mind.
Is it there? Is it not there?
Are you aware that
you're still talking?
Is anyone thankful for anything else
besides a thong?
I don't know. Am I more thankful
for my divorce or my eviction?
And I didn't think you'd be able
to come up with anything.
I'm sorry. This is
the worst Thanksgiving ever.
I am the king of bad Thanksgivings.
You can't swoop in with your bad
marriage and take that away from me.
You're not going to tell about your
parents' divorce again, are you?
Come on! I want to hear it.
It wouldn't be Thanksgiving
without Chandler bumming us out.
It's a tradition, like the parade.
If the parade decided it was gay
and abandoned its family.
Now, Chandler, dear...
just because
we're getting a divorce...
doesn't mean we don't love you.
It just means...
he would rather sleep
with the houseboy than with me.
More turkey, Mr. Chandler?
Every time you tell that story,
that guy's accent gets thicker and thicker.
So are he and your dad still together?
No. After they got their own place,
the houseboy got his own houseboy.
Should have heard his accent.
You're right, yours is worse.
You're the king of bad Thanksgivings.
I've got one that's worse.
Really? Worse than,
"More turkey, Mr. Chandler?"
Did the little rich boy
have a problem with the butler?
Yes, mine's worse!
More bandages!
More bandages!
Please, can I get
some more bandages in here?
This man is
In this life, Phoebe.
Oh, this life. Oh, okay.
No, Chandler's is worse.
It must be cool
remembering stuff like that.
I don't have any past-life memories.
Of course, you don't, sweetie.
You're brand-new.
I know Monica's worst Thanksgiving.
Let's not tell this story.
I know!
It's the one where Joey got
Monica's turkey stuck on his head.
Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?
It's not like it sounds.
It's exactly like it sounds.
What's going on?
Oh, my God!
I know!
It's stuck!
Step.
How did it get on?
I put it on to scare Chandler.
Oh, my God! Monica's going to
totally freak out!
Help me get it off!
Plus, it smells really bad in here.
Of course it smells bad.
You have your head up a dead animal's ass.
Did you get the turkey?
Oh, my God!
Who is that?
It's Joey.
Is this supposed to be funny?
It's not supposed to be funny.
It's supposed to be scary.
Get that off now!
I can't. It's stuck!
It has to feed 20 people. They're
not going to eat it off your head!
Hold on.
Let's just all think.
I got it!
You pull.
I'll spread the legs
as wide as I can.
Now is not the time.
Count to three. One...
two...
three!
It worked!
I scared you! I knew it!
I'm here, big guy.
Yeah, you are!
I scared you!
You did look like an idiot.
I wasn't the only one
who looked like an idiot.
Remember when Ross tried to say
"butternut squash"...
and it came out,
"squatternut bosh"?
Yeah, that's the same.
That's it.
That's my worst Thanksgiving.
That can't be the one Rachel meant.
She didn't even know that happened.
So, what's yours?
I really don't want
to tell this story.
Reliving pain and getting depressed
is what Thanksgiving's all about.
For me, anyway.
And, of course, the lndians.
Of all people, you do not want me
to tell this story.
What is that supposed to mean?
- Monica, I think Rachel's here!
- I'll get it!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Not for me.
Chip and I broke up.
Why?
What happened?
My parents are out of town,
and Chip was going to come over.
And you were going to give him...
your "flower."
Monica, can you just call it sex?
It really creeps me out
when you call it that.
And by the way...
while we're at it, a guy's thing
is not called his "tenderness."
Believe me.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Everyone...
this is Chandler.
My roommate...
and lead singer of our band.
This is Monica.
I'm Ross' little sister.
I'm so glad you could come.
We've got plenty of food,
so I hope you're hungry.
Chandler hates Thanksgiving
and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving food.
I'm so glad you brought him here.
I can make you some
macaroni and cheese for dinner.
As long as the Pilgrims
didn't eat it.
Damn it!
Does it feel weird around here now?
You know, since
I've been away at college?
Not really.
That's cool.
So that's Rachel, the girl you've been
writing all those songs about?
Might want to rethink the lyrics to
"She Feels Weird Since I've Been Gone."
I cannot believe Chip dumped me
for that slut Nancy Branson!
I am never going out with him again.
I don't care how much he begs.
His begging days are over, now
that he's with Nancy Branson.
I've just had it
with high-school boys.
They're just silly.
They're just silly, stupid boys.
I'll start dating men.
I'm sorry, Judy.
I couldn't find that bowl
you and Jack were looking for.
Call them Mom and Dad, you loser.
Did you like
the macaroni and cheese?
It was great.
You should be a chef.
Guess what.
All this stuff about Nancy
being a slut was all a rumor.
Chip dumped her, and he wants
to come over to my house!
- That is so great!
- I know.
Oh, gosh. Listen,
if you and Chip do it tonight...
promise me
you'll tell me everything.
Totally. It's not that big a deal.
We already kind of did it once.
But now you'll definitely know
whether or not you did it.
I know.
And Chip promised that this time
it'd last at least for an entire song.
I'm thinking of asking
Rachel out tonight...
maybe playing her that song
we wrote last week.
"Emotional Knapsack"? Right on!
But don't take long.
We're testing our fake lD's tonight.
Right, Clifford Alvarez?
Listen, Roland Cheng...
if things go well,
I may be out with her all night.
Dude, don't do that to me.
It's cool, you can stay here.
My parents won't mind.
It's not that. I just don't want
to be stuck here with your fat sister.
Why don't you finish off these pies?
I don't have any more room
in the fridge.
No, thank you.
Judy, you did it.
She's finally full!
I called you fat?
- I don't even remember that.
- Maybe it'd jog your memory...
if you guys played
a little bit of "Emotional Knapsack."
I'm so sorry. I really am.
I was an idiot back then.
I rushed the stage at a Wham concert,
for crying out loud!
I can't believe you called her fat.
I can't believe you let
George Michael slap you.
I am really sorry.
That is terrible. I'm so sorry.
That's not the Thanksgiving
I was talking about.
Yes, it was.
No, it was actually
Thanksgiving's over.
Let's get ready for Christmas.
I have the cutest Christmas story.
We want to hear Monica's story.
Mine had a dwarf that got broke in half,
but, you know, whatever.
You changed your major again?
I had to.
There was never any parking
by the psychology building.
Love your new nose!
Dr. Wolfson's an artist.
He removed my mole cluster.
Want to see?
No! Please, let me.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Your hair sure is different.
We were just talking about that.
We can't believe
how stupid we used to look.
Where's Monica?
She's upstairs.
Come down, everyone's here!
Ross, Rachel...
and the boy who hates Thanksgiving.
Oh, my God!
What's the matter?
Is there something on my dress?
You look so different.
Terrific.
That dress, that body....
- Dude!
- Sorry.
Yes, she's thin. It's wonderful.
But we really want to hear...
about Ross' new girlfriend.
Her name is Carol.
She's really pretty and smart.
She's on the lacrosse team
and the golf team.
Can you believe it?
She plays for both teams.
So I guess I'll see you at dinner.
- Dude!
- Sorry.
Oh, my God!
That was so awesome.
You got him back
for calling you fat.
He was drooling all over you.
- That must have felt so great.
- It didn't.
Yeah, I mean, I look great.
I feel great, and my heart's
not in trouble anymore.
I just don't feel
like I got him back.
I just want to humiliate him.
I want him to be naked, and
I want to point at him and laugh.
That, we may be able to do.
How?
Guys tend to get naked
before they're going to have sex.
What?
I didn't work this hard
and lose weight...
just so I could give my flower
to someone like him.
First of all, if you keep calling it that,
no one will take it.
And then second of all,
you're not going to have sex with him.
You'll just make him
think that you are.
I'll throw him out
in the yard, lock the door...
and all our neighbors
will just humiliate him!
You'll definitely get him back.
How do I make him think
I want to have sex?
Here's what you do.
Just act like everything around you
turns you on.
What do you mean?
Anything can be sexy.
Like this dish towel.
This feels so good against my cheek.
And if I get a little hot,
I can just dab myself with it.
Or I can bring it down to my side
and run it through my fingers...
while I talk to him.
I can do that.
Good, good, good.
Get busy. He's coming.
Hey, what's up?
Could you make me some of that
righteous mac and cheese like last year?
I'd love to.
I love macaroni and cheese.
I love the way this box feels
against my cheek.
And I love carrots.
Sometimes I like to put them
between my fingers.
Like this.
And hold them down here
while I talk to you.
And, you know, if I get really hot...
I like to pick up this knife.
And I put the cool steel...
against...
my body.
Are you all right?
I'm fine.
Twenty-year-old male.
He's got a severed toe
on his right foot.
Could you please not
do that feet first?
You know where his injury is.
Severed toe, you just said it!
It says the knife went
through your shoe.
They're made of wicker!
Did you bring the toe?
I have it right here on ice.
Toes on Ice, coming soon
to Madison Square Garden.
Save your strength, man.
Don't worry, son.
We'll just reattach it and then....
What is it?
You brought a carrot.
This isn't your toe. This is a small,
very cold piece of carrot.
You brought a carrot?
Oh, my God!
There's a toe in my kitchen.
I'm sorry! I'll go get it!
All we can do now
is sew up the wound.
Without my toe? I need my toe!
I can go really fast!
Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche.
I'm not falling for that one.
That's why I lost my toe?
Because I called you fat?
I didn't mean to cut it off.
It was an accident.
That's why for an entire year
people called me Sir Limps-a-lot?
I'm sorry.
It wasn't your whole toe.
Yeah, well, I miss the tip.
It's the best part.
It has the nail.
Sir Limps-a-lot.
I came up with that.
You're a dork.
- I can't believe this.
- I said I was sorry.
"Sorry" doesn't bring back the piggy
that cried all the way home.
It figures that something like this
would happen today.
I hate this stupid day
and everything about it!
I'll see you later.
Wait.
Come here.
Is there anything I can do?
Anything?
Just leave me alone for a little while.
I'm a duck. I go quack-quack.
I'm happy all the time.
Nice try.
Wait, wait, wait.
Look, Monica
This is not going to work.
I bet this will work.
You're so great.
I love you.
Nothing. I said you're so great,
and then I just stopped talking.
You said you loved me.
I can't believe this!
No, I didn't!
Yes, you did!
No, I didn't!
You love me!
No, I don't!
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Gauze!
Gauze!
I need to get some gauze in here!
Can I please get some more gauze?
This is getting ridiculous.
Thanksgiving dinner ever.
It was so good.
I think you killed us.
I couldn't possibly eat another bite.
I need something sweet.
Does anyone want to watch TV?
Monica, your remote doesn't work.
You have to lift it and point.
Oh, forget it.
Let's play that game where everyone
says one thing they're thankful for.
I am thankful for this
beautiful fall we've been having.
Very nice.
The other day,
I was at the bus stop...
and this lovely fall breeze came
and blew this chick's skirt up.
Which reminds me,
I'm also thankful for thongs.
The One with the Thanksgiving Flashbacks
It's not so much an underpant
as a feat of engineering.
It's amazing...
how much they can do
with so little material.
And they play with your mind.
Is it there? Is it not there?
Are you aware that
you're still talking?
Is anyone thankful for anything else
besides a thong?
I don't know. Am I more thankful
for my divorce or my eviction?
And I didn't think you'd be able
to come up with anything.
I'm sorry. This is
the worst Thanksgiving ever.
I am the king of bad Thanksgivings.
You can't swoop in with your bad
marriage and take that away from me.
You're not going to tell about your
parents' divorce again, are you?
Come on! I want to hear it.
It wouldn't be Thanksgiving
without Chandler bumming us out.
It's a tradition, like the parade.
If the parade decided it was gay
and abandoned its family.
Now, Chandler, dear...
just because
we're getting a divorce...
doesn't mean we don't love you.
It just means...
he would rather sleep
with the houseboy than with me.
More turkey, Mr. Chandler?
Every time you tell that story,
that guy's accent gets thicker and thicker.
So are he and your dad still together?
No. After they got their own place,
the houseboy got his own houseboy.
Should have heard his accent.
You're right, yours is worse.
You're the king of bad Thanksgivings.
I've got one that's worse.
Really? Worse than,
"More turkey, Mr. Chandler?"
Did the little rich boy
have a problem with the butler?
Yes, mine's worse!
More bandages!
More bandages!
Please, can I get
some more bandages in here?
This man is
In this life, Phoebe.
Oh, this life. Oh, okay.
No, Chandler's is worse.
It must be cool
remembering stuff like that.
I don't have any past-life memories.
Of course, you don't, sweetie.
You're brand-new.
I know Monica's worst Thanksgiving.
Let's not tell this story.
I know!
It's the one where Joey got
Monica's turkey stuck on his head.
Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?
It's not like it sounds.
It's exactly like it sounds.
What's going on?
Oh, my God!
I know!
It's stuck!
Step.
How did it get on?
I put it on to scare Chandler.
Oh, my God! Monica's going to
totally freak out!
Help me get it off!
Plus, it smells really bad in here.
Of course it smells bad.
You have your head up a dead animal's ass.
Did you get the turkey?
Oh, my God!
Who is that?
It's Joey.
Is this supposed to be funny?
It's not supposed to be funny.
It's supposed to be scary.
Get that off now!
I can't. It's stuck!
It has to feed 20 people. They're
not going to eat it off your head!
Hold on.
Let's just all think.
I got it!
You pull.
I'll spread the legs
as wide as I can.
Now is not the time.
Count to three. One...
two...
three!
It worked!
I scared you! I knew it!
I'm here, big guy.
Yeah, you are!
I scared you!
You did look like an idiot.
I wasn't the only one
who looked like an idiot.
Remember when Ross tried to say
"butternut squash"...
and it came out,
"squatternut bosh"?
Yeah, that's the same.
That's it.
That's my worst Thanksgiving.
That can't be the one Rachel meant.
She didn't even know that happened.
So, what's yours?
I really don't want
to tell this story.
Reliving pain and getting depressed
is what Thanksgiving's all about.
For me, anyway.
And, of course, the lndians.
Of all people, you do not want me
to tell this story.
What is that supposed to mean?
- Monica, I think Rachel's here!
- I'll get it!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Not for me.
Chip and I broke up.
Why?
What happened?
My parents are out of town,
and Chip was going to come over.
And you were going to give him...
your "flower."
Monica, can you just call it sex?
It really creeps me out
when you call it that.
And by the way...
while we're at it, a guy's thing
is not called his "tenderness."
Believe me.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Everyone...
this is Chandler.
My roommate...
and lead singer of our band.
This is Monica.
I'm Ross' little sister.
I'm so glad you could come.
We've got plenty of food,
so I hope you're hungry.
Chandler hates Thanksgiving
and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving food.
I'm so glad you brought him here.
I can make you some
macaroni and cheese for dinner.
As long as the Pilgrims
didn't eat it.
Damn it!
Does it feel weird around here now?
You know, since
I've been away at college?
Not really.
That's cool.
So that's Rachel, the girl you've been
writing all those songs about?
Might want to rethink the lyrics to
"She Feels Weird Since I've Been Gone."
I cannot believe Chip dumped me
for that slut Nancy Branson!
I am never going out with him again.
I don't care how much he begs.
His begging days are over, now
that he's with Nancy Branson.
I've just had it
with high-school boys.
They're just silly.
They're just silly, stupid boys.
I'll start dating men.
I'm sorry, Judy.
I couldn't find that bowl
you and Jack were looking for.
Call them Mom and Dad, you loser.
Did you like
the macaroni and cheese?
It was great.
You should be a chef.
Guess what.
All this stuff about Nancy
being a slut was all a rumor.
Chip dumped her, and he wants
to come over to my house!
- That is so great!
- I know.
Oh, gosh. Listen,
if you and Chip do it tonight...
promise me
you'll tell me everything.
Totally. It's not that big a deal.
We already kind of did it once.
But now you'll definitely know
whether or not you did it.
I know.
And Chip promised that this time
it'd last at least for an entire song.
I'm thinking of asking
Rachel out tonight...
maybe playing her that song
we wrote last week.
"Emotional Knapsack"? Right on!
But don't take long.
We're testing our fake lD's tonight.
Right, Clifford Alvarez?
Listen, Roland Cheng...
if things go well,
I may be out with her all night.
Dude, don't do that to me.
It's cool, you can stay here.
My parents won't mind.
It's not that. I just don't want
to be stuck here with your fat sister.
Why don't you finish off these pies?
I don't have any more room
in the fridge.
No, thank you.
Judy, you did it.
She's finally full!
I called you fat?
- I don't even remember that.
- Maybe it'd jog your memory...
if you guys played
a little bit of "Emotional Knapsack."
I'm so sorry. I really am.
I was an idiot back then.
I rushed the stage at a Wham concert,
for crying out loud!
I can't believe you called her fat.
I can't believe you let
George Michael slap you.
I am really sorry.
That is terrible. I'm so sorry.
That's not the Thanksgiving
I was talking about.
Yes, it was.
No, it was actually
Thanksgiving's over.
Let's get ready for Christmas.
I have the cutest Christmas story.
We want to hear Monica's story.
Mine had a dwarf that got broke in half,
but, you know, whatever.
You changed your major again?
I had to.
There was never any parking
by the psychology building.
Love your new nose!
Dr. Wolfson's an artist.
He removed my mole cluster.
Want to see?
No! Please, let me.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Your hair sure is different.
We were just talking about that.
We can't believe
how stupid we used to look.
Where's Monica?
She's upstairs.
Come down, everyone's here!
Ross, Rachel...
and the boy who hates Thanksgiving.
Oh, my God!
What's the matter?
Is there something on my dress?
You look so different.
Terrific.
That dress, that body....
- Dude!
- Sorry.
Yes, she's thin. It's wonderful.
But we really want to hear...
about Ross' new girlfriend.
Her name is Carol.
She's really pretty and smart.
She's on the lacrosse team
and the golf team.
Can you believe it?
She plays for both teams.
So I guess I'll see you at dinner.
- Dude!
- Sorry.
Oh, my God!
That was so awesome.
You got him back
for calling you fat.
He was drooling all over you.
- That must have felt so great.
- It didn't.
Yeah, I mean, I look great.
I feel great, and my heart's
not in trouble anymore.
I just don't feel
like I got him back.
I just want to humiliate him.
I want him to be naked, and
I want to point at him and laugh.
That, we may be able to do.
How?
Guys tend to get naked
before they're going to have sex.
What?
I didn't work this hard
and lose weight...
just so I could give my flower
to someone like him.
First of all, if you keep calling it that,
no one will take it.
And then second of all,
you're not going to have sex with him.
You'll just make him
think that you are.
I'll throw him out
in the yard, lock the door...
and all our neighbors
will just humiliate him!
You'll definitely get him back.
How do I make him think
I want to have sex?
Here's what you do.
Just act like everything around you
turns you on.
What do you mean?
Anything can be sexy.
Like this dish towel.
This feels so good against my cheek.
And if I get a little hot,
I can just dab myself with it.
Or I can bring it down to my side
and run it through my fingers...
while I talk to him.
I can do that.
Good, good, good.
Get busy. He's coming.
Hey, what's up?
Could you make me some of that
righteous mac and cheese like last year?
I'd love to.
I love macaroni and cheese.
I love the way this box feels
against my cheek.
And I love carrots.
Sometimes I like to put them
between my fingers.
Like this.
And hold them down here
while I talk to you.
And, you know, if I get really hot...
I like to pick up this knife.
And I put the cool steel...
against...
my body.
Are you all right?
I'm fine.
Twenty-year-old male.
He's got a severed toe
on his right foot.
Could you please not
do that feet first?
You know where his injury is.
Severed toe, you just said it!
It says the knife went
through your shoe.
They're made of wicker!
Did you bring the toe?
I have it right here on ice.
Toes on Ice, coming soon
to Madison Square Garden.
Save your strength, man.
Don't worry, son.
We'll just reattach it and then....
What is it?
You brought a carrot.
This isn't your toe. This is a small,
very cold piece of carrot.
You brought a carrot?
Oh, my God!
There's a toe in my kitchen.
I'm sorry! I'll go get it!
All we can do now
is sew up the wound.
Without my toe? I need my toe!
I can go really fast!
Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche.
I'm not falling for that one.
That's why I lost my toe?
Because I called you fat?
I didn't mean to cut it off.
It was an accident.
That's why for an entire year
people called me Sir Limps-a-lot?
I'm sorry.
It wasn't your whole toe.
Yeah, well, I miss the tip.
It's the best part.
It has the nail.
Sir Limps-a-lot.
I came up with that.
You're a dork.
- I can't believe this.
- I said I was sorry.
"Sorry" doesn't bring back the piggy
that cried all the way home.
It figures that something like this
would happen today.
I hate this stupid day
and everything about it!
I'll see you later.
Wait.
Come here.
Is there anything I can do?
Anything?
Just leave me alone for a little while.
I'm a duck. I go quack-quack.
I'm happy all the time.
Nice try.
Wait, wait, wait.
Look, Monica
This is not going to work.
I bet this will work.
You're so great.
I love you.
Nothing. I said you're so great,
and then I just stopped talking.
You said you loved me.
I can't believe this!
No, I didn't!
Yes, you did!
No, I didn't!
You love me!
No, I don't!
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Gauze!
Gauze!
I need to get some gauze in here!
Can I please get some more gauze?
This is getting ridiculous.